Thinking about a friend - a short post

 

I have a friend whose life has been quite a disaster.  The other day, he came to me asking for advice as he had hit a low in his life.  The question I had was: Do I tell him the unvarnished truth and risk the friendship?  Or, do I try to soften things up, and help him continue along the erroneous path he's been taking in his life?  I decided to risk the friendship and go for broke.

It took me a while to compose a reply to this friend's request for help.  And I let him have my opinion, as if it were a gun shooting its load from both barrels.  Surprisingly, he took things well.  Whether or not he really thinks hard about what I said is something I can't determine.  But I now know he took it in the spirit in which it was said, as he trusts my opinion and my ability to see things clearly.

- - - - - -

Why do I mention this?

One of the things I mentioned in a follow up message was that both he and his partner need to go to couples therapy.  If 50% of marriages break up because of money, a good deal of the other 50% break up because of bad communications skills.  His partner has supported him through thick and thin, throughout a period of life where his health deserted him.  Without this woman in his life, he would likely be homeless - and he knows it.

A skill that I learned from my former therapist was to identify underlying emotions before they erupt as anger.  With my friend, he still needs to learn a similar skill - how to hold back from casting his die before he understands the consequences of that cast.  (See: Alea iacta est.)  Sadly, he didn't trust his partner to do the communications for him during one hospital visit, and it caused him a lot of grief afterwards.  Even now, he still has a problem judging the potential consequences of his actions.

Hopefully, my most recent communications with this friend will trigger him to get some help.  Yet, I can't help but think: There, but for the grace of God, go I.

It was an unusual weekend to say the least

This weekend started off in a memorable way.  First, my boss called me into his office and told me that the firm is bringing me onto the "staff payroll" instead of being paid through an agency.  This means that once again, I have to fill in paperwork to get my job.  This time, HR (and some others) may be a little surprised when they see paperwork in Mario's name instead of Marian's name.  Luckily, I've always used an informal version of my name that's androgynous and can be used by either sex.  

But Friday was much more than being given the job that I thought I'd be given the following week.  I finally was able to talk to the contractors who have been fixing up the apartment below me for sale.  Hopefully, I'll be able to see the bathroom once they are done, and get an estimate (time and money) of what it will take to do the same thing in my place.  Then, I drove to see FH for dinner.  

FH was in rare form on Friday.  Going to a busy area to eat at a chain restaurant will likely end up resulting in a long wait when NYC is still under pandemic restrictions.  She wanted to eat at the Cheesecake Factory in Rego Park, Queens.  So I drove to the shopping center, got the parking ticket, and proceeded to the restaurant where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Next, we walked across the street to the Olive Garden where we were told it would be a 1 hour wait for a seat. And then, we walked to the Longhorn Steakhouse where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Guess where we ate - the Olive Garden.  

There is a good reason why people choose to eat somewhere other than the Olive Garden.  Most of the food is excessively salty and excessively starchy.  (What do you expect from a pseudo Italian restaurant chain?)  After 45 minutes waiting on a chilly park bench, we walked to the restaurant and had a mediocre meal.  And that's where the fun begins.  When trying to use the parking lot payment machine, the machine refused to accept my credit card.  I had no way of knowing that this lot accepts payments at the exit gate.  So I started getting frustrated, and asked FH to be quiet for a moment so that I can deal with my frustration.  She kept talking, only making it worse.  Eventually, I got mad at her and told her to shut up.  She got mad as well, and we escalated things to the point where I said that I wouldn't bother calling her again. Eventually, the parking lot attendant told us that he had to reset the machine and that we should pay at the exit gate.

At this point, all I wanted to do was get out of the parking lot and drop FH off at her place.  She started up her argument again, saying that I was wrong and that she would speak whenever she wanted to - even when the person next to her needs a little bit of quiet for a minute.  She even brought up Marian, and I told her that this part of me is not up for discussion as it is not germane to the argument.  So I was glad to get her out of my car quickly, and then call a friend.  Thankfully, Vicki was available.  She noted that it is easy to understand why someone who has as little empathy as FH has never been married.  And then she said that this makes it much easier for me to start dating people who have a better chance of meeting my needs for a mate.

- - - - - - 

Saturday came, and I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I knew that today had to be laundry day if I wanted to go on my date with APJ (as I'll call her for now - it could change).  So I decided to get up and finally start my day around 10:30.  But that didn't mean that I'd start any chores then - that was around 1:00 pm when I brought my laundry downstairs.

Once I was done with my laundry, I got ready to go meet APJ in Hackensack.  I did a quick shower and shave, and got dressed for the second day in a row as Mario.  Then it was off to Jersey.  Both of us fought the usual Saturday traffic to get to the diner, and we chatted for almost 2 1/2 hours.  So far, so good.  But I will have to tell her about Marian before we get intimate.  And I only can imagine what she will think when I do so.

Since I know that I'll need lunch for Monday and Tuesday, I stopped by Shop Rite on the way home.  While there, I looked for a cheap succulent plant to leave a friend as a gift.  I couldn't find one in my price range.  So, I decided on buying a "lucky" bamboo plant, and will leave it on the friend's doorstep on my way upstate tomorrow.

- - - - - -

In many ways, I wish I could have been one of the women who wore uniforms like the one above.  Sadly, the market for women's baseball died when the men came back from WW2, but a good movie came from it.  (By the way, what do the movies "A League of Their Own" and "The Green Mile" have in common?  Answer below....)

I knew that I was going to have less time in Cooperstown than I wanted, as I woke up later than planned. But I figured that I had enough time to drop off yesterday's gift, and then go to Cooperstown for a 3+ hour visit to the Hall of Fame.  So I got in my car and wasted time at the local Mickey D's before getting on the thruway.  Usually, it takes me about 45-60 minutes to reach the thruway, and based on the time I budget to reach Catskill, it would be another 2 hours to reach Cooperstown by back roads from there.  During the daytime, this is a beautiful drive.  Yet, I wouldn't recommend doing it at night, as these are rural roads with little traffic and no cell phone service.  Eventually, I made it to Cooperstown, and found free parking without trouble, then had no problems buying my ticket for the museum.  (Later on, I was told by a local NOT to visit Cooperstown from Memorial Day to Columbus Day, as the crowds ruin the place - something I experienced when I visited with my (now) ex girlfriend a couple of years ago.)  It would be easy to go on and on about the exhibits at the museum.  But for baseball fans, it's a shrine worth visiting at least once.

Around 4:30, it was time to go home.  And I didn't want to take those back roads at night and in the rain. So I drove North to Route 20, then made the mistake of taking more side roads to reach the thruway.  This must have added at least 30-45 minutes to my return trip home.  Once on the thruway, it was a lead footed drive home.  With one stop at the local supermarket for tomorrow's lunch, I was home in 4 hours.  Not bad, considering everything.

 

 

- - - - - -

 

 

Answer to above question:

Both movies have a scene where Tom Hanks' character urinates off screen.  In "A League of Their Own", the duration of his urination is mentioned.  In "Green Mile", the character has a UTI that ends up being cured by the wrongly convicted man on death row.

Sometimes, I miss a former friend.

 

It's been a little over 15 months since my former cruise partner and I severed our friendship.  I will never go into a detailed apology for my actions, as I don't want to give her any ammunition she could use against me.  (She's the type of person who would try to destroy a person out of anger.) Yet, I once sent her an olive branch to suggest that we try to repair things.

The other day, I mentioned something to the ex girlfriend - that I threw out a framed picture I have of the former friend.  I don't want it anymore, and I doubt my ex friend would want it either.  There is a touch of sadness here, as my ex girlfriend doesn't understand why the my ex cruise partner and I couldn't patch up things.  The former cruise partner couldn't stand how I referenced her in my prior blog (she didn't like seeing herself in a sometimes harsh light), and I couldn't stand how she defamed me to at least two (or more) people I know.  There are lines which two friends should never cross, and we crossed them.

You'll note that the face of the person in the center of the picture is obscured by her hair.  I was lucky to have this picture of my former cruise partner in better times. (She wouldn't want her face exposed here.)  Strangely, it was on the same ship on the same itinerary where we had a problems several years later. One thing I know, I will never cruise out of the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal again....

 

It was my first full weekend without GFJ, and I wanted someone special to be with....

 

t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell.  I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected.  But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future.  I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.

When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection.  So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings.  In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying.  We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.

The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did.  If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day.  If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day.  This didn't mean I slept all day.  Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times.  It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.

When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip.  This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs.  While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face.  Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor.  (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago.  Any ideas from my readers?)

Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable.  The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little.  So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing.  If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year.  The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas.   You can guess how much of a funk I was in....

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day.  JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK.  She's feeling a bit down.  Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help.  Her son needs to find work.  And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.

Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange.  I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon.  Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian.  Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7?  Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship.  Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.

If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present.  I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her.  But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson.  She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone.  (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)

- - - - - -

But back to JS.  She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice.  The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida.  Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves.  The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.

By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out.  Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner.  The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy.  If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all.  Instead, I had leftovers.

JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be.  She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life.  Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself.  How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?

On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet.  If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely.  And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so.  Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.

- - - - - -

Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home.  Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as Marian 24x7.  What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance.  And that was worth NOT living 24x7.  But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.

Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year.  Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.

My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so.  My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact.  But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass.  I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately.  Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.

My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate.  So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week.  Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.

At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this.  I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today.  Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her.  Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)

So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours.  This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days.  It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene.  And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives.  I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.


- - - - - -


PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did.  Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband.  Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.

I woke up this morning to another strange thing...

It's amazing what some people can use as excuses in their lives to justify actions against others they don't like. This morning, I woke up to find that I have been removed from a meetup group that I never even attended.  The person running the group removed me for "Excessive Gossip". I won't name the person or the meetup group involved.  But I will say that the paths of this person and I will cross at other meetups.  And that I will be civil, but keep my distance.

I find it interesting that several negative events in my social life have occurred after I had my falling out with my former cruise partner.  Within two weeks of our falling out, she sent an email to GFJ ("my eyes only") to be forwarded to me.  Of course, one can't expect GFJ not to read the email. And shortly afterward, GFJ decided to break up with me.  A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance of mine (in one of my meetup groups) sent an email to this former cruise partner, withing her a Merry Christmas.  And just before Christmas, this acquaintance decided to disconnect from me in social media and in other places.  Could there be something going on here? 

I'm not too worried about what either person could or would do.  The former cruise partner is out of my life by choice.  I didn't want to be obligated to her or to be controlled by her.  That's not what friendship is about.  With this other person, I figure that she will come to her senses one day.  Until then, I will keep my distance, as I don't want to upset her any more than she is now.

- - - - - -

Given what has been going on lately, it's easy to wonder whether something is wrong with me, or whether it is the world around me.  Another acquaintance once asked me why people avoided her when sitting at a table.  And out of kindness, I replied that I didn't have an answer.  The reality was very different.  This person's communication style was off putting in a hard to define way.  Knowing this, I have to ask myself a simple question: Have I changed much since I decided to fearlessly go into the world as Marian?  And secondary questions come to mind: Have these changes been a net negative?  What are these negative changes?

Thinking about my issues, I feel I have become more confident in myself.  This may bother those who are insecure, because they chose me as a friend when I was less secure than they were, making them feel more secure by comparison.  As I've grown, my inner security may have made them feel less secure by comparison.  Who knows?  But if this leads to me having less friends, I may have to accept this as a price for my growth.  Yet, the nagging question still keeps repeating itself: It is me, or is it the world around me?

- - - - - -

Later in the morning, I remembered that GFJ and I had come communicating to take care of.  I had previously registered for one meetup.  When I came back to register for two more from the same group, I found that GFJ had registered for all three meetups.  Either we will need to establish some guidelines for signing up for meetups in groups which we both are members, or GFJ will have to get used to seeing me as Marian.  If she doesn't want to try to have a relationship again, I feel no reason not to sign up for meetup groups in which I am interested in.  But if she wants to work on patching things up, I'd avoid having Marian in the same place as she is, and only have her see Mario in public.

When we finally got together this afternoon, GFJ and I went to see Bombshell.  If you were interested in how Roger Ailes was finally removed from power at Fox News, this would be the movie for you.  Afterwards, we sat down for a while and chatted - it looks like our romance is over, complete except for the final credits.  But we will still remain friends.  This just leaves me with an empty and sad feeling after 5+ years of being together.

Such is life....


PS: GFJ texted me late at night to say it's over.  😞  

PPS: Just before this entry was due to go public, I received the following from my former cruise partner.  What do you think of it?

It takes a very, very sick puppy to call someone every day for YEARS to chat-go on cruises with the person, happily wear the jewelry, handbags and clothes the person gave you and THEN write terrible things about the same person in your blog.

(I never asked for or wanted most of the stuff she gave me.  Yes, I appreciated some of the stuff, but I always felt uncomfortable with her always giving me stuff.).


Your description of ME was " someone with few friends, social anxiety, a food addict who is estranged from her son" - A mentally healthy person would have written "**** is a great friend and I am blessed to have her, she has always accepted me as I am, goes on cruises with me in Marian mode regardless of the stares and knowing it's hard finding jewelry in my size has found many things that fit me".

(She is a sick woman.  Yet, she was a great friend while it lasted.)

I was thinking of sitting with you to try to repair our friendship when I found that blog- I thought for years you were my BEST friend-turns out not only weren't you my friend but I really didn't know you.

(I made the mistake of being too truthful in descriptions. Your mileage will vary.)

As for *** - she read about how you wanted to be "Marian 24-7 and how happy you were when she left after the weekends so you could put on a DRESS". Leave that poor woman alone. You know how to manipulate her and have made her stay a lot longer then she would have. SHE DESERVES SOMEONE BETTER AND NICER THAN YOU. SHE IS NOT INTO WOMAN, SHE FINDS MARIAN DISTASTEFUL AND DESERVES TO FIND A MAN. The fact that you asked her if you could go to her meetups in a dress and could she give you dating tips for your NEXT relationship fills me with DISGUST. YOU'RE SICK! SICK! SICK!


(GFJ still cared.  She just couldn't deal with the Marian side of me.)

I understand you were very nasty to one of the members of the Beacon meet up group. Many people there do NOT WANT YOU THERE and I think they will be petitioning ***** to ask you to leave the group. You should be a "lady" and just leave.

(I wonder where she comes up with this crap.  I wasn't deliberately nasty to anyone.)

As far as I'm concerned- You have caused me great harm when I was nothing but good to you-You are spiritually and morally bankrupt. You are two faced, dishonest and dishonorable. You have nothing to write about yourself as you barely have a life so FEEL FREE TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG YOU MALICIOUS NASTY BITCH.

(As you can see, she has a big bug up her ass after 2 1/2 months.)

It's been over 10 weeks since I was even in contact with my former cruise partner. As my readers are well aware, I've closed out the old blog because of two things - I erred too much in how much information I reveal about people, and because I was no longer free to talk about this person.  I'm much more careful in my current blog, only talking about things that are publicly available.

Dollars to donuts, she's trying to poison the well of my social life.