Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!

Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds. 

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?

Coronavirus!

This virus has affected everyone.  For people like me, we have lost people near and dear to us.  For others, like XGFJ, they caught the bug and survived - some with long term negative effects. And yet, still others are asymptomatic.  It is not something to take lightly, yet some politicians have done so for political and economic reasons.

As recently as 3 months ago, New York was America's ground zero.  The virus was burning, and the only way to put it out was to deny it fuel - which we did with an extended quarantine. Now, the virus is burning hot in Florida and Texas.  Why?  It's because the governors of those states ignored medical advice from the CDC, and paid attention to Trump's need to show that America was open for business prior to election day.  People in dire economic straits usually vote out the incumbent party, and our president was willing to sacrifice the health of the nation in order to be reelected.

I've been in contact with friends in New York, Florida, and Texas, and only the New Yorkers seem to have a healthy perspective on things.  We still fear the virus, but we feel safe in a gradual reopening of the economy.  Compare this with Texas, where many people won't bother with face masks, and treat the act of wearing one as a symbol of a culture war.  Florida is even worse.  And these states are having infection rates such as New York had 3 months ago.  Even an ex girlfriend of 22 years ago is worried.  But she is stuck in Florida for now.

The other day, a tweet came across my path.  It showed a golf cart parade of Trump supporters being heckled by anti Trump people from the same community ("The Villages".) It's a damned shame that people have consumed Trump flavored Kool-Aid, as we will be suffering for years because of this poor excuse for a human being.  Because of this man's deliberate inaction, we are now in a situation where the Europeans (who are desperate for American tourist dollars) have decided to keep Americans out - to preserve the gains they have made against the virus.

I have both gained and lost things of value because of the virus.  No price can be put on the loss of a parent - I will always miss my dad.  However, I've learned that I do very poorly when I am idle.  I need routines to keep me busy, and I need a social network to keep me sane.  And I have worked to patch together such a network.  Not being in intensive contact with XGFJ for the past 6 months has taught me that I should never get too attached to someone.  There is a fine line between love and addiction, and only now am I truly starting to get over losing her as both a friend and lover.  As much as the pandemic hurt me, this may have been its greatest gift - the knowledge that she could love only part of me, not the whole of me, making her a bad partner for me.

I went to the dentist today, and he was surprised!

Normally, I would have done a "Half and Half" day when going to the dentist.  I had scheduled a weekday visit to the dentist (which usually involves me presenting as a male), followed by work (which usually involves me presenting as a female). However, in a chat with the dentist's receptionist, I outed myself to her, and she said that I should come in as a female one day - so I did!  And it was fun. More importantly, it was convenient!

Now that I am out to him, I don't have to do any more half and half days when going to the dentist - this will save me at least an hour's worth of time each time I get my teeth worked on.  And it is one more step in my path to femininity.  But is it worth it?

- - - - - -

A while back, XGFJ said that she feared me being on this path.  The reality is that she probably was never comfortable with me, but sent mixed signals throughout our relationship.  If she had bothered to express her feelings properly and negotiate, I would have set limits to how far down this path I'd have gone.  Now, I have decided to attend meetings of every meetup group that she doesn't want for me to attend - only because I need to show her that she has no right to demand I not attend these groups, her feelings be damned.  But I will attend only those gatherings that I'd want to attend because they do something for me other than rub her the wrong way.

I don't know if I'll ever get into "her" dinner group.  They like to pick known regulars over newcomers.  So it will mean that I have to keep trying for a while and hope for the best.  However, if there is a meeting open to newcomers, I'll try for it.

- - - - - -

I won't go into any details about work - that would violate my oath. But we're being kept busy trying to clean up the mess brought upon us by the pandemic.  In the past, I'd feel comfortable giving a census job to anyone who applied for one.  Now, if the person is immuno-compromised, or in one of the known risk groups, I'll look out for the health of the applicant over the needs of the census bureau.  At least, we are moving forward, having places to do our training. Hopefully, we will have a reasonably accurate head count, as required by law....

Life gets even crazier

Most people who know me are aware that I am an avid Marxist.  No, not in the economic sense, but in the comedic sense.  Of the brothers, I would have love to have known both Groucho and Harpo - but for very different reasons.  Groucho was an underappreciated wit, and a man who, sad as it is, didn't seem to have a happy home life.  Harpo was the exact opposite.  He was a man who was cherished by all - including his wife and children.  No one in show business ever had a bad word to say about him.  If I had to choose between these two brothers, I'd have picked Harpo as a friend.

- - - - - -

Casual readers may be wondering why I start off this entry with a mention of the Marx Brothers. Well, the answer to this is that my life seems to be like a script from one of their movies - a thin plot coupled with a lot of insanity.

In my case, things with XGFJ may be coming to a head.  A while back, she threatened to expose me to my family.  But I blunted that threat.  The other day, I signed up for a meetup with "her" dinner group, and she signed up for one with mine shortly afterwards.  At the same time, a mutual friend of ours (who might be interested in dating me) signed up for the same dinner.  I told her that I'd be attending as a female, and she didn't mind.  (I'll bet she knows a little bit more about XGFJ's views than she wants to let on, as I caught her in a statement that XGFJ made to me.)  So, to have someone I could count on in my corner, Vicki decided to join me for this dinner with "my" group.

Sadly, I have to plan for the possibility of XGFJ going ballistic.  She threatened to out me earlier in the year for attending any of the groups - and refused to work with me on a reasonable accommodation for her discomfort in seeing me.  Now that I have blunted her weapon, I feel no reason to accommodate her feelings.  She left me because I was putting my female side more and more in public, thinking I was lost in a "pink fog".  This was never the case.  But without her making her real issue understood to me, she gave up on a relationship that could have worked.  Now that the relationship is defunct, everything I might have done for her while in a relationship is off the table.  And that bothers her in the extreme.

At virtually all meetups I have attended in the recent past, I have attended them all as a female.  It wouldn't make any sense to confuse people by showing up as a male and letting things slip up.  (What would happen if I referenced something that only that person and my feminine persona would know?)  However, I have also signed up for meetup groups as my male persona, as a male presence would be required there.  (Think of singles mixers, etc.) Two of those groups are known to XGFJ, as I attended them with her early on in our relationship. And my presence in any of these groups bothers XGFJ.

So what would you do in my size 13-W shoes?

PS: Our mutual friend also signed up for the theater group that XGFJ didn't want me to attend. Again, she'll be seeing me in female presentation, so I doubt she has as many problems with it as XGFJ.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Miscellaneous notes from the home front

This Tuesday, I took the day off from work and walked another 2.5 miles (1.25 each way) on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  As usual, I took some photos and captured some "MOOving" images.  This post is my way of documenting some of the little things that have occurred that I felt worth documenting....

- - - - - -

On a recent trip to the Walden-Walkill Rail Trail, I met two ladies cycling on the trail.  We spoke for a while about the history of the trail and why there is a break in the trail.  Then one of them mentioned that she was gay and that she was riding with her partner.  That didn't bother me, I wasn't out to pick either of them up.  But it did give me an opportunity to show them a picture of me in female mode.  At that point, any awkwardness was relieved, and I waved them off as they rode back to their starting point.

- - -

Recently, the host and hostess of our Thursday game nights wanted to try out some online gaming platforms.  So several of us logged on one Friday evening and had a nice time.  Too bad we weren't doing this during the worst of the quarantine.

- - -

I think I will need to set up a new OK Cupid profile.  It's not that the old ones are bad.  It's that I've clicked through everyone possible, swiping right as needed.  Instead of doing this, I should have written messages to the ladies I am interested in, using a strategy similar to that which I'd use when writing cover letters and resumes - customization.  We'll see what happens if I bother to do this.

- - -

Thinking of dating, I finally met a woman I've been chatting with from Forest Hills.  She's a nice gal, and it might be worth the effort to date her.  So I'll try to arrange another get together soon.

- - -

Some of my readers might know that my ex girlfriend (XGFJ) had a big problem with the idea of me attending any of her meetup groups' gatherings.  She tried to blackmail me by threatening to expose me to my family as Transgender, so that I wouldn't attend.  Recently, I attended a gathering of "her" live music group (I knew the organizer from "my" dinner group) and had a nice time.  The ex hadn't gotten livid yet.  She now wanted to "negotiate" how we'd share our groups.  To me, that opportunity ended with her blackmail attempt.  The other day, "her" dinner group opened up to newcomers.  I signed up, and saw the following in a Facebook message:

I have said this before but you ignored what I said. We need to talk about you going to my meet up groups. You have joined 17 of my meet up groups. There are plenty of other meet up groups that you can join especially going south in Westchester.

Although I never attended that group's meeting due to XGFJ's blackballing me, I accomplished what I wanted - I sent a message saying that I no longer need to care what she thinks anymore. 

I won't go into all the crap that occurred over the past few months, but I believe that even though she claimed to want a friendship after the breakup, her actions said otherwise.  Without any relationship, I feel no obligation not to attend meetings in the 4 groups where our interests intersect - Dining, Music, Theater, and Hiking.  I'm taking Vicki's advice, and signing up for any event I want to attend, not worrying about XGFJ's feelings about my attendance. There is at least one event where we are booked to be at the same place at the same time.  I wonder if she'll bug out, as she did for a gathering of the live music group.

Yet... I wouldn't mind it if we could be friends again.  But I doubt that she wants a friendship. She can not see me as a male without thinking of me as a female.  Sadly, that makes her extremely uncomfortable, and probably makes a friendship impossible. 

Conundrum

It's not surprising that the word "Conundrum" has come up today.  I first learned this word when I read Jan Morris' book of the same name. And I find it amazing that I now have a conundrum related to my transgender nature.

- - - - - -

There is one person in my life with whom I have patched up a "sort of" relationship.  No, it's not romance anymore.  But several things this person has said makes me wonder if she's having her doubts about things in our past. Although I have already started the process of meeting people to date (Vicki says this might be unwise), I don't want to rub this in my "friend's" face.  (I'm not sure of what to call my relationship with this person anymore, for reasons I won't yet discuss here.)  So I'm very careful what I say when the two of us chat online.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a Zoom meetup with people from the hiking group that this person has attended.  (I plan to go on some of their hikes when I'm back in shape and have the endurance for their hikes.)  Today, I attended an in-person (socially distanced) meeting of the Live Music group.  (I met this meetup's organizer at one of my dinner meetups a while back, and invited me to come....)  We discussed the two dining meetup groups, the New Paltz group and the Beacon group.  The former is cliquish, and people have bonded tightly with each other.  Quite a few people have been bothered by this group's unwillingness to accept new people in Zoom meetings during the pandemic.  But the two key organizers don't give a damn about being open to newcomers.  The Beacon group is more welcoming, and Vicki wants to join me there.  Maria will occasionally go with me as well. 

Now that in person gatherings will likely start up soon, I now have a conundrum.  With the one exception of the hiking group, no one has seen me in male mode.  People would only recognize me as a female.  If I go to the New Paltz group in either mode, I will likely piss off this "sort of" friend.  Yet, if I let her tell me what to do and what not to do, I would lose all respect for myself.  We are not in a relationship - she has no right to ask me for this "favor".  If I go as a male, I might "out" myself if any one person other than my "sort of" friend connects my male and female sides.  If I go as a female, I would likely kill off the chances of friendship with this person.

What would you do?