Soon, 2020 will be over.

I pass over the Bear Mountain Bridge several times each month. But when I looked at the above photo, I was reminded of how rarely I go to this tower to get a view of the Hudson River "from above".  This picture was taken over a decade ago, before things started to go sour in my life. And it also reminds me that there will be a time after the virus is long past.

Why do I mention this right now?

For most of us, 2020 has been a terrible year.  I lost my dad.  My niece has had to postpone her wedding 3 times, and friends have lost their jobs due to the virus.  And I am one of the "Lucky" ones.  My dad lived a full 92 years, my niece is living with her fiancee (having recovered from Covid-19), and my friends have been able to find work.  Others have had it much, much worse than me, my friends, and my family.

Things are starting to look up for us.  Initial deliveries of the Coronavirus vaccines are being scheduled, planning for mass inoculations is taking place, and the economy is recovering.  If we're lucky, by this time next year, 2020 will be a bad, but persistent memory.

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2020 was remarkable in many ways for me. It was the first year in a long while where I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up with in private. Yet, it allowed me to go to work as Marian for the better part of 10 months. During the year, I met new people, and was able to develop at least 1 new friendship.  No, this friendship may not be as deep as the ones I lost last year.  But it is a start for me.

Having worked at the census for the better part of 10 months as Marian, I feel confident that I will be able to find work again as Marian.  This may turn off some people.  But I don't care much about them. Unless I'm living with a woman who needs to see Mario most of the time, I'd like to be living as much of my life as Marian as possible.

2021, I hope, will be a year which I finally get my weight under control.  My goal is to be wearing size 18 clothes within the next 2 years.  Yes, I'll have to replace both of my wardrobes, but it will be worth it if I'm successful.  Additionally, I'd like to be in a new serious relationship by the end of next year. (I miss the touch of someone next to me in bed.) Hopefully, I'll finally be able to take a Hawaiian cruise, preferably as Marian.

 

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An amazing lack of good information

 

The other day, I found out that Mario was dropped from one meetup group without explanation.  As much as my ex girlfriend claims she didn't have a hand in it, I have my doubts - there has been way too many weird coincidences in the timing of things, as if she's trying to gaslight me.  So be it.  I'd like to bury the hatchet, be able to attend this group as Mario, and still be civil and friendly towards this woman. (She said she'd not mind if I did so.)  But she won't help me with membership in the group.  So, sadly, too much bad blood may have been spilled, and she may hold a grudge that won't go away. Or, just maybe, she's very uncomfortable seeing me in any form, because she has regrets herself? (I won't go into more here, save that I was only looking to attend the group only to develop friendships.  But I'd have also liked the chance to show her that we could be in the same place and that nothing bad would happen.)

So, on Friday night, I wasn't able to sleep much   And I wished I could cancel my Saturday date with FH, as we'd be driving up to Woodstock for the day, then driving back to Queens to bring her home, and finally back to Croton to sleep.  Yet, this trip was worth it, as she had a good time, and that she realized that it's an extra 100 miles for me to drive, just to bring her home.  We discussed our Thanksgiving plans, and it finally looks like I'll pick up dinner at Boston Market, then bringing it to her place for our feast.

After a long drive on Saturday, I was amazed that I had the energy to see JM on Sunday. For this date, I met her in front of her apartment, and then drove to Greenwich Village to enjoy some sidewalk dining before it got too cold to eat outside.  As usual, JM and I had a good time, and we will likely meet again.  One potential problem is here - will she run away when she finds out I live part of my life as Marian?  I know one thing - she seems to like what she sees so far.                        

 

 

 

 

 

I'm feeling a little bit down.

 

Although I had no present intentions to attend the dining group that I was blackballed from by my ex, it still stings a little when several months later, Mario was finally removed.  This leads me to wonder - did the ex find a new boyfriend?  It would be nice to think it so.  But that's not my horse, and certainly not my rodeo any longer.

For the better part of the year, this pandemic has gotten in the way of me healing from the slings and arrows of the recent past, and moving forward in my life.  As much as I like the women who have been passing through my life lately, I feel that I could have done better had I not been a failed relationship for 5 years.  No, I'm not complaining about these women or the failed relationship.  Instead, I was younger, a bit more attractive, and less calloused in regard to romance way back then.  For all I know, I'd have hooked up with someone who enjoyed the "whole" of me, and not be alone during the worst of the pandemic.

With all of this being said, I had some good things happen in regard to my feminine presentation. The other day, I went to an outdoor service where the ashes of a friend's husband were buried.  This woman's children liked me, and my friend said I was looking better than before.  (At the time, I was wearing a forest green maxi dress with a mock turtleneck.  I did look good in the dress, and I haven't worn it since last winter.)  This friend noted that I now appear completely natural when presenting as female, save that I am large.  (How true this is to others is something else.)  

At least, I still have family and friends.  No, not as many as I'd like.  But I cherish my family and the true friends I have.  And for that, I am grateful. 

There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Being Thankful

 

I'd like to wish all of my readers a Happy Thanksgiving!

This is one of the rare entries which goes out on (or close to) the actual date I refer to in the post.  Yet, it expresses much about how I feel lately.

Earlier this year, I lost my dad because of the pandemic.  Yet, I'm grateful that he was my dad, and that he had 92 years on this planet.  Life is way too short.  Yet, in the grand scheme of things, my dad lived a full life.  And, most importantly, he raised two children to adulthood and made sure that they had the grit to take care of themselves after he was gone.  For that, I am grateful.

My brother has turned himself into a person I respect very much.  Even though we are very different in style and personality, I'm grateful that we have a good relationship.  No, we wouldn't have chosen each other as friends, as we don't have much in common.  But he is a good man, and someone I'm glad to know.

I'm thankful that I recently had 10 months of work with the census bureau, as I was able to replenish my bank account for future use.  It's nice to know that I have money enough to afford another vacation when the pandemic restrictions are gone.

I could go on and on about things today.  However, right now, I am more interested in the Thanksgiving dinner I expect to have with someone who could become very special over time.

 

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Some dates and no prunes

 

No, this is not the Maitre D' at either of the places I ate this weekend.  However, by the time the weekend ended, my wallet was almost as empty as the place the "fellow" is holding.

FH has a job where she works a Sunday through Thursday schedule.  This means that we have both Friday and Saturday in which to get together.  However, she is too drained from her job to meet on Fridays, so Saturday become our regularly scheduled date night.  This left me free to do things on Sundays.  This weekend, I met with JM and had a second nice date with her.

- - - - - -

The weekend opened up on Friday night, with the tire pressure idiot light coming on after dark.  Unfortunately, I was not going to take care of this issue in the dark while dressed in a LBD for dinner with Vicki. So I drove to Milton, NY for dinner with Vicki, and figured that I'd take care of the problem in the morning.

Saturday came, and I had to find the tire pressure gauge before driving to meet FH. After inflating the tire properly, I drove to Yonkers to pick her up, and then to Rhinebeck for a nice day in the country.  From there, we crossed the Hudson to drive through Kingston and then through New Paltz.  (I wasn't going to say how well I know the area because of the ex-girlfriend, so I talked in generalities.)  I figure that one day soon, she'll likely want to stay over my place, and that we can go to Woodstock for another trip to the Little Bear.  But I digress.  By the time we made it back to Forest Hills, about 8 hours had passed and I was very tired. So I made it back to Croton, and then to bed.

The next day, I wasn't much in the mood to go out of the apartment.  However, JM and I had a late lunch date in Pelham, and I wasn't in the mood to cancel it.  When we got there, there was no way we were going to eat outdoors due to the approach of inclement weather.  It was already too windy to enjoy dining outdoors.  So we ended up eating inside, about 25+ feet away from the only other customers in the place. Again, we ate and chatted for 3 hours, and decided to meet again.  I wish I had met her before I met other ladies, as this woman is a great catch.  Yes, she's out of my league for reasons I won't discuss here.  But if she were to like me enough to have a relationship, I'd feel very lucky to have a woman I could talk with for hours at a time.  However, given my transgender nature, I always have to hedge all of my bets.

- - - - - -

It looks like FH and I will be spending Thanksgiving together.  Hopefully, it will be a very pleasant day.  I'll make sure that my phone is set to "do not disturb" whenever I'm with any of the ladies in my life.

 

The "Race" to find a Girlfriend - Status Update

 

Seven years ago, I was at the above lighthouse on my earliest date as Marian.  The woman I was with knew I was cross dressing, and was OK with it.  However, she had her issues, and big ones at that.  So we were never in contact with each other after our third date.  Seeing this picture, I thought of this lady, and decided to see whether she is still alive (she had health issues) or not.  I'm glad I found out that she's still alive.  And I now know that she's living with her ninety year old mother.  (One day, I might drop her a line to find out what has gone on in her life since we were last in contact. But this is not a high priority with me.)

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Now that FL has taken herself out of the "Girlfriend Race", I can say that FH wants to spend a weekend with me in Amish Country. With the Coronavirus starting its second wave, I'm not sure if I really want to do this trip at this time.  But if it means we can test out our physical attraction without distractions at home, I'm willing to do so.  Yet, I'm not completely sure if I want to place my "long term" bets on FH yet.

The other day, I had a date with a woman from Manhattan. (Let's call her JM for now.)  JM and I met in Tarrytown, and we spent the better part of three hours talking with each other.  In certain ways, she's out of my league.  But if I am good dating material for her, it might be worth seeing what happens. This will involve the inevitable disclosure of my dual gendered nature.  Is this person worth the risk? We seem to get along more smoothly than I did with FH on our first date.  So I'll have to see what happens on a second date - both of us need to know whether each of us are "first date wonders."

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On other matters, I mentioned in a prior entry that a former friend rang my Google Voice number and didn't leave me a message.  (Her number was blocked because of events that happened a year ago.)  By the time you read this, she should have received a birthday card from me. And I will then find out whether her phone call was an accident or not.  (If there is no response, I'll know that this former friend accidentally dialed my number.)