Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.

As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended.  Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was.  Others wanted to change me into something they wanted.  And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship.  In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.

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In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before.  Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before.  But I am much more comfortable with them now.  Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.

Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with.  The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore.  The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person.  And that's a shame for both of us.

Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out.  One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing.  Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own.  And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made?  If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with.  There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.

When I was married, I never had to worry about this.  I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made.  So she always had some input in the form of advice.  Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis.  But I can't and won't live in the past.

Do I wish I still had someone special to care for?  Yes.  But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by.  Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....

White Post Farms

Aren't these the cutest looking critters?  If they could be domesticated as house pets, they'd be a rival to cats and dogs.  But I digress.  Today, I'm writing about a weekend I had with the lady from Forest Hills and her daughter.

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I was supposed to order the tickets for this weekend event Thursday evening.  Due to a personal screw-up (which I'll blame on my own ambivalence about going further with this relationship), I couldn't get the 1:30 pm tickets for Sunday afternoon that I planned to buy.  Instead, I ended up buying tickets for 3:00 pm, and doing a big Mea Culpa for my screw-up.

Sunday came, and I drove to FH's place, picking up her and her daughter.  FH is a middle aged lady, while her daughter is a young adult whose voice makes her sound like a teenager.  (The daughter still has a lot of growing up to do, and I'm confident in her ability to make young adult mistakes and recover from them.)  So we drove to the McDonald's in New Hyde Park, where they saw one of the fanciest looking fast food joints they will ever visit.

Wouldn't you agree with me about this McDonald's?  When the town had its dispute with McDonald's regarding the potential tear down of the building, both sides came to an agreement to preserve it.  (Note: My mom was interviewed by a local TV station about this building and McDonald's.)  As much as I'd have like to have seen a full historic restoration of the building, I am happy to see it returned to life - even if it is a McDonald's.

We reached White Post Farms around 3 pm, and proceeded to go inside.  This is an experience best enjoyed by a (Grand)parent and younger children.  But we had fun there, in spite of the 80+ degree weather.  (Who'd have thought it'd be this warm at the end of September?) 

As you can see, this place has animals that the average suburban child will not see outside a traditional zoo.  And they can get up close to many, as a good number of these animals would be perfect in a typical petting zoo. 

It was really nice to see FH's daughter enjoying herself at the farm.  Hopefully, if we were to go there again, the weather will be a little bit more comfortable - I felt way too warm, even in a short sleeve shirt.

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Tomorrow, I go back to Marian mode.  It'll be nice to get back into a comfortable dress again!

A highlight of the week

It's been a while since I went to a meetup with the Fun Time Friends.  But this week, I finally was able to go.  And the headache of getting there was worth it....

Normally, I try to set a distance limit for meetups that I only drive an hour or so to get to a meetup.  However, once I reached Connecticut, traffic stopped moving. And what should have been a 70 minute trip became a 100 minute trip.  Since it was too late for me to cancel dinner with the group, I texted the hostess to let her know I was going to be late.  Although I was about 30 minutes late, this was not a problem, as people were still arriving for Milford's Restaurant Week dinners....

Unfortunately, I was not able to sit at the hostess's table.  But I can't complain, as I was able to sit with the great group of ladies in the picture above.  It was nice to feel acceptance as Marian again. People who do not know me treat me as an oversized lady.

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On the way home, I chatted with FL.  She's been dealing with a low grade bug for most of the week, and she had to cancel getting together on Saturday.  This is not a problem, as I am usually sleep deprived at the end of the week, and I need rest.

There's a part of me that can't wait for my census job to end.  As much as I can use the money from the job, I'm tired of this schedule. As much as I'm tired of the schedule, I'll both miss having a reason to get up in the morning AND having a place with good people who I meet on a regular basis.  When the census finally ends, I'll be able to do things with FL during the week - a benefit to having the census end.  My big question is - Is FL too good to be real?  She's making an effort to enjoy me in Marian mode, and liked the thought of going away with me in Marian mode.  Is she trying too hard to have a relationship?  If so, why?  It seems like there should be a red flag somewhere....

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Not much else to say.  More next time.

It's been an interesting weekend - and it began on a Thursday!

At the beginning of this weekend, I wasn't sure of how things would go.  There's a part of me that is very uncomfortable with the risk of letting FH go, so I can pursue a relationship with FL.  I still have to figure out where I stand with MH.  And, I have to keep my head clear for the last days of employment at the census.  So, I have a lot on my mind these days.

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On Thursday, I had a day off, and I took the opportunity to go for a walk with another woman who answered my personal ad in female presentation.  We had a nice afternoon together, and I found out that it is a very small world after all - she had done business with my ex-girlfriend before selling her old house, she exercised in the same building where my ex has her office, and she previously lived down the road from my ex.  When I asked her what she thought of my ex, she put her finger to her head and started twirling it.  This made my day, and I had yet to attend my Zoom meeting in the evening.  By the time we turned back to the parking lot, we were almost in Stone Ridge - and I was glad NOT to be too close to my ex's office.

I rushed home so that I could talk to several people, and yet have time to attend the Zoom meetup.  By the time I got in to the meeting, the host and hostess was about to leave, and control was being passed to my pen pal in Texas.  It was then I found out that the ex husband of one of the ladies had been sentenced to 3 life terms - he'll likely be "Bubba's Special Friend" before long.  Another of the ladies is in dire financial straits, and will need a quick influx of money to keep her in her home.  It's gotten me to the point where I may anonymously send her a few dollars to help her out.

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Friday came, and I was sleep deprived.  It was all I could do to stay awake at work. I was hoping to be able to hide myself away.  But I got stuck answering phone calls.  Most were from enumerators involving their work.  And I brushed off a news reporter, as we are not allowed to have the reporter come to our office, and we are not allowed to give interviews.  He was unhappy with how I treated him, but that's his problem and not mine. I was just doing my job.  Later on in the day, I made arrangements to see Vicki at a Sushi restaurant in Yorktown, and we had a nice night of it.  She liked how a dress looked on me, and I was glad that she suggested that I buy it.

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Saturday was another sleep deprived day at the office, and I had nothing to do.  So I surfed the web for the better part of my shift.  I scheduled a 6:30 dinner with FL, and we were at a restaurant in Briarcliff Manor until 10:30 or so.  Hopefully, things will keep going well for us, as she seems to be a keeper.  (And, NO!, I don't expect her to bob for cans of Foster's Lager from an ice bucket....)

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Sunday, I finally had enough sleep. When I arrived, I showed her my "Pregnant Phone", to explain the problem I had in talking with her the other night.  (Hopefully, I'll get the battery replacement from California by Thursday/Friday, so that I can have a fixed phone over the following weekend.) Then, FH and I went to Manhattan to walk around Greenwich Village.  .

It's been a while since I've driven on the LIE to the BQE, and then across the Williamsburg bridge.  So I was taken by how many things have changed since I was last on these streets.  Eventually, we found parking in the West Village, and we walked over to Washington Square.  Next, it was off to find a restaurant - and we ate at a small Indian joint which was doing its best to stay open with pandemic restrictions.  (I don't think t will survive the winter.  Hopefully, I'll be wrong about this.) At lunch, FH floated the idea of taking a trip to Amish country.  Although I said yes to the idea, I'm really not sure if I want to do so, as I don't know how far I should go with this relationship now.  Once done with lunch, it was back to Washington Square to enjoy people watching, and then to drive home.

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In the end, I will have to thank my ex girlfriend for setting me free.  Several of the women I've met after our breakup have only seen me in Marian mode and are very comfortable being with me this way. FL is comfortable with the idea of going to meetups this way and would consider a Hawaii cruise with me presenting as Marian.  Would FH be comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  who knows? 

Since I mentioned my ex several times lately, I have to mention that she is still avoiding meetups where I'm present as Marian.  She has a habit of posting a message, saying that she was sorry she couldn't make it, but had other plans.  I can only imagine what would happen if she slips up and sees me (as Marian) with one of the ladies I've been seeing.  Luckily, I'm in no hurry to see this happen in real life, as the last person I want to see is my ex.  That's one of the few things we can agree on these days.

There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

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This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

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Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

It'll be sad when the census ends

 

This has been the first real job that Ive been able to work as Marian.  And sadly, it will soon end.  Whether it ends at the end of September, as the Trump administration wants, or at the end of October as originally scheduled, it doesn't matter - this gig will soon end.

I took this job knowing that it was a short term gig.  It paid well. But there is nothing much left for me to do except pack up my belongings and take my leave.  Yet, I've made a few friends here, and I hope to get together with them in the future.