The important things on the docket required me to be Mario for the day.

 

The other day, I had to restore my male image to my Facebook profile so that I could join a message group.  Amazingly, several of the people I know from the Widows/Widowers group noticed, and said hello.  As for me, I wonder what they will say when my profile reverts to a female Alfred E. Newman in the next day or two.

- - - - - -

Everything I had on my docket today effectively required my presenting as a male in public.  First, I had to get a book from the library, and then attend a co-op board meeting as Mario.  So, first, I went out to a local diner to have some Greek Salad, and  couldn't finish the dish.  Unfortunately, I couldn't go back to town the same way I went to the diner, so, I took the long way to the library.  

Picking up the book at the library got in the way for doing laundry.  I'd have been picking my clothes out of the dryer in the middle of  the co-op board meeting.  So I deferred that task until later. Around 5:30, the co-op meeting started, and the interviewees who was supposed to attend didn't bother to show up.  The next time we'll be able to meet with them will be in May.  Their loss.  And then we had to deal with a shareholder and her issues.  She has problems that can't be corrected quickly, but won't take a delay for an acceptable answer.  We're trying to delay spending money until we have a major funding issue resolved.  Until then, we have to slow walk everything.

- - - - - -

Eventually, the meeting ended, and I had enough time to do a load of laundry.  Even when it is done, the work will not be finished - I still have to fold it, and put it into places where it belongs.

I had to go home today

 

After a long weekend with RQS, I had to go home.  It's just as well I did so, as I needed to start getting things done at home. So, it was with regret (and a little relief) that I got on my way.  (As they say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.)

- - - - - -

Both of us got moving late in the morning today.  But that didn't mean that either of us were ready to go out.  I knew that I had to get ready to leave around 1:30, so that I could drive home by 3.  One problem - I should have started earlier, as afternoon traffic jams would be starting early.

The reason I started to get ready later than I planned was RQS's TV.  We wanted to move a large screen TV into the living room, and move the smaller one into the sitting room.  Well, we had to move furniture, storage boxes, and other stuff out of the way to get at all the wires (power cords being the most important), and disconnect them so that we could carry the TV into the living room.  We did this before I showered, and we had working TV in the living room before I left.

One of the problems I have at RQS's place is that the lighting is terrible.  There is only one place in her apartment where I can get enough light to do my makeup, and it's her bathroom.  The lighted makeup mirror I brought to her place doesn't do enough good.  But I can make do with it if I'm careful.  If I could find a solution that works, I'd have a much easier time of applying my makeup at her place.

I left RQS around 3:15, and it took forever to make it from her neck of the woods to the other side of the East River.  But once across, I had no problem making it to Stew Leonard's to do some food shopping.  But again, I hit some traffic on the way home, as I was traveling in the middle of rush hour.

Eventually, I made it home for the night - and finally had a chance to relax.

As I write this, I can't sleep

 

First, as I write this, I can not sleep for some unknown reason.  My relationship with RQS is going well, and we are scheduled to go on another cruise in a few weeks.  So, what is going on?  I described how I'm feeling as like a cisgender male version of a female's hot and cold flashes.  She said it might be hormonal, and to bring it up with my doctor on my next visit.

With this out of the way, I'm not sure if I was individually contacted by my former cruise partner, or whether it was a broadcast to an entire meetup group.  Although I might have responded "Yes" to an invitation to join the meetup group at a local restaurant, I would be busy that same night with co-op business - and the co-op comes first these days, due to the importance of my attendance at meetings.

My brother is flying out of town for his final interview with a firm.  If he's hired, he'll be moving to another state.  And I'll miss him, in spite of him and I seeing each other less than every 3rd month or so. I don't want to get stuck managing the family homestead, and I don't want to deal with the paperwork of paying bills, etc. to keep this joint venture going.

Tomorrow, I'll look up the phone number of the place where my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound, and schedule it for next week.  I'm at the age where my body is likely to betray me, and I don't look forward to its series of betrayals.  

Yet, none of these things can fully explain why I can't sleep right now.  Maybe, after I'm done with this post, I can get back to bed, cuddle up with RQS, and finally fall asleep. 

A tip into NYC for the Billy Preston documentary

 

I wanted to see the documentary on Billy Preston's life (Billy Preston: That’s The Way God Planned It) but it wasn't showing at the local art-house.  So, I had put it on the list of films I'd look for when searching for documentaries to watch on the various streaming services.  Yesterday, RQS and I went to see this film.

But first...

This weekend, I drove down to RQS's place en-femme. She's comfortable with me this way, and I didn't feel like switching my id from wallet to wallet to travel as Mario.  

I got up moving slowly, and started my preparations to dress as Marian. By 2:00 pm, I was out the door, making my stops on the way to RQS's place.  First, it was to the bank to get some cash.  And then off to the gas station to buy some overpriced gas.  (We have the Orange Monster and Israel to thank for this.) Once my local area tasks were done, I was on my way to Queens.

There were the usual slow spots on my way to RQS's place.  So, I ended up driving through Forest Hills to bypass the traffic snarl in Kew Gardens, where the Grand Central Parkway, the Jackie Robinson (aka Interboro) Parkway, and Van Wyck Expressway all meet.  Even though NYC/NYS did a lot of work to improve traffic flow at this confluence of roads, they were constrained by the local roads also having to flow through this area - there was no way to widen/lengthen the merge points to accommodate the traffic that needs to flow through the area.  So, 90% of the time, I'm forced to drive through local streets because the Van Wyck Expressway is at a stand still for over a mile before the exit for the Jackie Robinson Parkway (JRP), and the entrance to the JRP being blocked as 5 lanes merge into 2.

What surprised me was that I made it to RQS's place in 2 hours (an acceptable time), and that we were able to relax for the evening before 6:00 pm. 

- - - - - -

Saturday came, and we had a movie to go to.  Around 3 pm, we both started getting ready to go out, and I spread my makeup all over "my" side of the dining table.  By 4 :30, we were out the door and headed to the city.  Reaching the Hudson Square area of Manhattan, we could only find one place to eat - Shake Shack.  Although the burgers were good, we could have spent half as much at Mickey D's and enjoyed it just as much.  Yet, I can't say that Shake Shack wasn't worth the money they charged for their burgers.  They were good!

We were in walking distance of the theater, and were able to find a seat with ease.  However, we had issues with sitting down, as we both wanted to take off our coats, and had a big bag of popcorn to manage.  Once seated, we found that the movie focused on Billy's growth as a musician, followed by the pain the Billy had to deal with.  His abuse (both what was done to him when young and the substances he "enjoyed" to survive) was the focus of the latter part of the film.  It wasn't until the end of his life that he could even start to share his pain.  What a sad life balanced with joyous music.  Too bad for him that he couldn't have had a "normal" life.  Too good for us that he didn't.

I suggested to RQS that we take the long way home to avoid stairs, and we did that.  But it took us twice as long to get home from Manhattan.  First, it was a local to South Ferry, where we changed to another subway line to take us to Union Square.  From there, it was a trip back to 8th avenue to preserve our ability to sit down on the outbound ride, and then a transfer of trains in Ridgewood to that we could make it to a deli for a quart of OJ.  

We were home around 10:15, and ready to sleep.  And both of us needed it....

I prefer to see reality than live in a fantasy world

 

The other day, RQS sent me some links to various "meetup" sites whose purposes are simply to enable people to make new social connections.  A couple of these sites were geared for females to make social connections.  So, I asked RQS how passable I am, and she noted that there are some telltales that I am TG.  In short, I am not 100% passing, but that's OK for most purposes - just not for all.

It's hard for people to see reality these days, much be comfortable with reality.  We live in an age where the people we once could count on to tell us things resembling truthful opinions now tell us lies we want to hear.  We have a president who is a pathological liar, and who is totally disconnected from reality.  We are in a war that no one wanted, save for two people: Bibi Netanyahu and Donald Trump.  And now, Trump is telling lies which conflict with themselves:  "We have won the war with Iran." and "We need more money to win the war with Iran."  Where is our objective reality here?   Trump is the leader of an American cult which, unfortunately, has taken control of our government.  At a macro level, much of America is stuck living in a fantasy world.  But what about us as individuals?

As an individual living in a society which has become untethered from reality, I find it harder to maintain a solid connection to reality. First, I need to find objective information about myself and the world I live in.  As a TG, I need to know many things: How well do I present? What can I do to improve my presentation? Where can I travel safely in my preferred presentation? How do I keep informed of significant events that could affect me?    Second, I need to make reasonable decisions based on the information I gather.  In the case of travel, I have to be absolutely sure of how well I pass, as I could be committing a felony in some states.  (I was in one Southern state where I had to go to the loo and relieve myself while presenting as Marian.  Technically, I committed a felony just by needing to take a bio-break.  Luckily, no one cared where I was.)  Even worse, I can't visit many countries as Marian, as my assumed gender preference would be considered illegal and punishable under their laws.  (We're seeing that in some American states today.)  I have to be sensitive to the fact that we now have a federal government hostile to TGs and the rest of the LGBT community.  So, I am glad that I sent information to a nation where a grandparent came from, so that I have an exit route available in advance.

One TG individual I know has been corrupted by the media she consumes.  Although she has lost the desire to get her passport renewed in her identified gender due to Trump's executive order, she still refers to his political enemies by the childish names he uses for those people.  Yet, she can't identify why these people are bad.  She sees the word "Socialist" and identifies all evil to this word and those who identify with it.  Yet, she can't identify what is bad about the word itself.  Even though she's unhappy with the cult leader, she still identifies with the values of the cult - even when the cult would treat her like crap.  This transgender woman is not alone in her fantasy views of identity.  Another transgender woman I met belonged to a conservative religious denomination.  When she moved to upstate NY, she went to attend another church of that sect.  The pastor said that she shouldn't attend again because she was TG.  Her identity conflicted with what others saw that her identity should be,  We all can make similar mistakes.  This is why we need to always seek objective reality, instead of seeking to feel comfortable living within our fantasies.