Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

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This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

Dresses, dresses, and more dresses.

 

The one generalization a person can make about transgender people is that we like to wear clothing strongly identified with the gender of which we identify.  As a trans-woman, I love wearing dresses.  And that's OK.  But it means that to blend in I have to tone things down by wearing a dress as an oversized tunic.  So that's what I do more often than not these days.

When I bought the above dress, I didn't have the idea that it would be out of stock as quickly as it was.  I bought it just before the color above was gone.  Today, wearing this dress to work with a pair of black leggings, I felt that I looked pretty and appropriately informal for a place like my office.  (I'd hate to be wearing a T-Shirt and Jeans to the office every day as some women do at my office.)

 

This dress is slightly more problematic.  Once I put it on for a test drive, it screamed to be worn as a dress.  So, on the next warm day that I have free, I plan to do so.  It is very comfortable, and well worth the bargain price I paid for it.  (Remember, both dresses came from Target, and the net including shipping and tax was under $42.00.)  Even if this dress and the dress above it last for only one season, I'll get good value from them.

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Recently, the above dress arrived in the Mystery Box shipment from Universal Standard.  This is the type of dress I'd never buy on my own as it's best worn by a woman with a defined figure, and not by a trans-woman. It took me a while to figure out how to put this dress on, as the outer belts which tie together by the woman's left elbow didn't have a hidden hole for one tie to go through - like the one below.

This dress was also in the shipment, and I posted a mediocre picture of me wearing it in an earlier post.  At least, this dress was easy to figure out once I saw the hole for the belt that came in from the left side of the dress.

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Even though I feel that the dresses from Universal Standard are of better quality than the dresses from Target, I will get more use from the two simple garments at the top of the entry.  Will I be tempted to buy more dresses in the future?  Yes.  But most of my purchases will be for practical purposes, and not to gamble on getting something nice as I did buying "Mystery Boxes".

Garbageman

 

An alligator in the sewer system.  It's a classic New York City myth, and one New Yorkers enjoy telling people from time to time.  This weekend, RQS and I decided to go into the city to see an off-Broadway play (Garbageman) for which we had tickets.

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As has become our routine, we try to find an entertainment venue to go to on weekends.  This week's venue was one of a handful of plays which were selling tickets at a price lower than a first run feature film.  We have both gotten tired of the typical Hollywood blockbuster fare, where special effects, not plot or performances, are the focus of the movie.  And off-Broadway plays seem to give us better value for money spent - even when we see a dud of a play like Garbageman.

Normally, I get to RQS's place spending about 15 minutes or so hunting for a parking spot.  Today, I parked within sight of her apartment, on my first pass through her neighborhood.  We killed a little time hooking up her DVD player before leaving for dinner.  Instead of going for Indian food in the West Village, we went to a place serving Turkish food, the New Istanbul Grill.  It has now become another one of our go-to joints while in Manhattan, as we both enjoyed a good mean at very reasonable prices.

Next, it was off to see Garbageman.  This play is about two men, dissatisfied with their lot in American life going to attend the January 6, 2021 "Rally" in Washington, DC.  By the time the first act ended, we were totally bored by the play and decided to back to her place for a pint of Tipsy Scoop ice cream.  Considering the play's review in the New York Times, we probably did the right thing by leaving. If the first act was any guide to how the second act would be, we should have gone with RQS's suggestion and gone to a different play.  Maybe next time.  

On the way back to RQS's place, we saw a lot of young people who had obviously gone out clubbing.  One woman of note had on a red dress that barely covered her pubic delta.  While in the subway, I noted that this was a dress for either standing up, or for keeping her legs very close together.  What I didn't mention until we got back to her place was that this woman's undies matched the dress she was wearing. We had a laugh, and decided to take out one of the pints of Tipsy Scoop in her freezer and watch "He Said, She Said" before calling it a night.

I'm a little concerned about supply chain issues getting worse.

 

Several months ago, I mentioned that it took forever for me to get this replacement head unit for my air conditioner. Supply chain issues prevented it from being manufactured and delivered in a timely manner. Today, I watched a video that makes me think that this incident may just be the tip of an iceberg...

One of the things I've noticed when I went to the beach with FH last years was the presence of cargo ships sitting outside New York harbor.  They had yet to cross under the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge and enter the Ports of NY/NJ for unloading. Today's video came from someone who seemed to be a survivalist by nature, but had a valuable insight to what's happening on the West Coast.  His most salient point in the video had nothing directly to do with the problems with world shipping.  Instead, it had to do with the Russia-Ukraine war.  Even though Russia is not well integrated into the Western economies, we lose a lot by cutting off trade with Russia, and he focused on their fish and fertilizer exports.  He also noted that Ukraine being a bread basket for the world.  Couple these factors with supply chain issues at major ports, and we likely will soon see major food shortages - even in the USA.

I feel that we will have to learn how to live with sudden short term periods of scarcity as supply chain issues work themselves out.  Smart people will need to learn how to maintain inventories of things they need, so that they have reserves for when selective items are temporarily scarce and hard to find. Strangely enough, this will pump up our economy while making things worse.  America has always been a land of plenty, and this period of temporary shortages will be a hard thing for Americans to get used to. It will likely cause major social disruption, as our culture defines America as THE land of plenty (for a price) when we're not in the middle of a world war.

You may ask, what does this have to do about being transgender?  The answer is simple.  When times get bad, people become more conservative and prone to populist insurrections.  January 6, 2001 was just the start of a problem for us transgender people, as people in "Red States" now feel free to enact laws regarding what we can and can't do with our bodies (think of abortion laws and transgender participation in sporting events).  As things get worse for the general population, politicians will make minorities like us sacrificial lambs to deflect attention from the fact that they aren't getting anything done to solve the problems average people face.

I can still remember the name calling that FCP did after the unfortunate dissolution of our friendship. In many ways, it showed the true nature of what she felt inside about me.  (Just drop the words of anger, and focus on internal definitions...)  We will see a lot of that in our friends as things get hard for them.  They will be saying that there are more important things to worry about than gender identity, expression, and preference.  And from their perspective, they may be right.  But from our perspectives, it reaches deep into our identities of self - and this could be a live or die issue for many.  I am lucky NOT to have severe gender dysphoria.  But what about those who do?  Can they live, much less, prosper in stealth mode?  I don't know.

As the fictional Margo Channing once said: "Fasten your seatbelts; it's going to be a bumpy night." I'd change that to say it's going to be a bumpy year or two at best....

Thoughts on a past lost to time

 

 
Something got me thinking about my former travel partner.  I'll admit that it was because of my stupidity that I lost her as a friend. Yet, I'm not really sure about the quality of the friendship we once shared.  Thinking back on it, there may have been a codependency factor involved that made the dissolution of the friendship more painful for the two of us.

I'm very glad that FCP has had two happy events occur in her life in the past few months.  And I'm sad that I couldn't be there to share them with her.  Yet, she's not with me as I explore things with RQS, building up a shared set of happy experiences..  We both lost a lot when the friendship ended, but this is a part of life.

One of the things that FCP said to me in the process of cutting off communications was that I did not betray XGFJ, and that she is glad that I am communicating with her again.  What she doesn't want to see is the fact that XGFJ betrayed me.   Although I have forgiven XGFJ for her actions, I doubt that we'll be any closer than we are now - two people with a shared past that have less and less to talk about as time pulls us away from each other.

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But enough about FCP and XGFJ.  There are other things that time has erased from my life.  For example, the older I get, the harder it gets for me to remember many of the details of my late wife.  She had a habit of saying "N double-A s t i" for "Nasty".  There were many more quirks that she had, but most of them have moved into inaccessible areas of my memory.  I miss those memories, yet it is a good thing that most of them are inaccessible.  It would be a bad thing to bore RQS with things about my late wife's life, and for her to bore me with things about her late husband's life.  We are only able to share the most important things about our late spouses' lives, and we understand the losses that the other has felt....

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the career I enjoyed (for the most part) for the better part of 40 years.  The opportunity to work as a programmer again is tantalizing, as it was the type of work I most enjoyed.  Yet, I'm way past my prime, and I would not gain much from retooling for work best done by a younger person. Yet, I could sacrifice some of the time I have left to me to end my working career doing the type of work that gave me pleasure when I started in the workforce.

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One of the things I miss since I've been employed at my present job is reading for the enjoyment of it.  By the time my day ends at the office, my mind is fried.  I've made so many micro decisions that I have no energy left to make any of the big ones.  This has resulted in an inability to clean up my apartment, and an inability to do much of the reading I enjoy so much.  Hopefully, by the time I get to take my next long vacation, I will have recharged my energy enough so that both my apartment has finally gotten cleaned up and that I've regained my ability to enjoy a long book.  I'd hate for these things to have gotten lost with time.

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All of us have friends and family we have lost over the years. Many of us have had to reinvent ourselves to live with a purpose in life. As for me, I live to learn - about myself, about others, and about the world in which we live.  From each loss comes an opportunity to grow.  And I intend to use those opportunities to grow instead of being burdened by them....

 

Several people agree with me about this one....

 

 

About a week ago, a headhunter called me about a possible position.  However, I was considered too rusty for them to refer to my former employer.  After chatting with a couple of people I realized that this was a bottom fishing headhunter who doesn't know technology that well.  

The headline for the ad read as follows:

Job Title: Mainframe Programmer
Location: New York, NY or Pittsburgh, PA
Duration: 12 months initial contract & high possibility of extension
Need to come in the office one day/week

Since I posted the email last week, I won't post the full text again.  The fellow that runs the shop is making decisions as if the mainframe is just another set of letters in the alphabet soup of computer jargon.  As such, one would want the freshest of skills in any person being presented to a prospective client.  However, no one is being trained for mainframes anymore, and several people say that many firms are desperate to temporarily hire retirees to get them to the point where their old systems can be retired.

Given that the headhunter and I have no written contract or obligation to work with each other, or to keep each other's secrets, I will probably contact people I know who might still work at the old place.  Who knows, I might just get lucky....

 

Another quick post about some conversations

 

Tonight was a night of chatting.  If it wasn't KM from work, or Stephanie from Texas, it would be RQS keeping me chatting until after midnight.  So I won't have too much to say right now.

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The day at work dragged on, as I had a hard time staying awake.  At least, I was able to get a full day's worth of work done - even with the trouble I was having staying alert.  Since I planned to talk with KM after work, as well as Stephanie via Zoom, then chat with RQS, I knew I'd have no time to do any of the other important things I wanted to do tonight.

KM told me about the goings on at the office from her perspective.  She's looking at the company from a youngster's point of view, someone who comes from a bluish collar background.  She sees opportunity in its chaos.  As for me, at an age where I should be considering retirement, I see something else - a company struggling to define its core business for future growth.  Sadly, I had to cut her off, as I had to connect with Stephanie.

Stephanie and I had a more meaningful chat.  She wishes that she could have met me much sooner in life, as we would have developed a closer friendship.  Little does she know that she would have seen me in a very different light had she done so, as I had yet to come out as Marian at the time.  Yet, I can see myself being like an older sister to her.

Once done with Stephanie, it was time to chat with RQS.  As usual, we had a long chat where I did most of the talking.  That seems to be OK with her, as she seems to enjoy hearing what I am saying.  We'll see if this continues over time....