I can't believe I ate the whole thing....

 

 
I was supposed to meet my friend from the census for lunch today.  However, I screwed things up in confirming our get together, and we had to postpone things for 3 weeks.  There is much I had to talk about, and I guess that will have to wait until we recover from holiday season.  But this didn't stop me from having a nice meal out.  No, No, No!  I ended up having lunch at the Mexican joint down the hill from me, and spent money that I didn't need to spend.

It was not easy for me to get up and ready for dinner with the meetup group.  My bed was comfortable, and I was lying on a heating pad being used to help me deal with some back pain I've had for the past couple of days.  Yet, I made sure to get dressed again, and out the door for a second restaurant meal of the day.

Finding a parking space at the lot in back of the restaurant was impossible. Almost everyone seemed to be having their holiday dinners.  Instead of circling the lot for an hour or so, I went to the new parking garage across the street from the first lot, then walked to the restaurant in the rain.  (Too bad that there was no place to put the umbrella when I got to my table, but I digress....)  Of the 4 people who were there when I arrived, I didn't know anyone.  But soon the people I knew came to the table.  

My stomach must be getting smaller, as I was filled after eating a small bowl of chili with chips.  Yet, I had a light salad afterwards - something I wish I had skipped.  Too bad that the restaurant was crowded, as it took forever to get my food.  I'd have liked someone to bus the table earlier, so I didn't have my dirty plates sitting in front of me.  Luckily, the person next to me wasn't eating, so she didn't mind me spreading out a little.

Being in a loud restaurant with a lot of noise isn't pleasing to me.  So, once I paid my bill, I was out the door and on the way home.  Did I enjoy the day?  Not that much.  But I did enjoy some of the food....

 

PS: If you can't remember where I got the title of this entry, watch this old ad.

 

 

And now: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel

 

When I was young, I loved watching this show.  Yes, it was campy.  But it was fun to watch.  It's a shame that this show was done with a campy style, as the tone of the Batman comics was much darker in spirit.  But what does this have to do with my life?

Well, many of us have to live two separate lives.  One out of circumstance, and the other out of choice.  The first life is what others expect of you.  The other is what you expect from yourself.  Most of the time, our outer and inner lives are in rough synchronization with each other.  Other times, they are not.  In the case of the fictional crime fighter, his Batman persona was a way of coping with the damage done to him in his past.  In my case, it is my true spirit coming out of a cocoon.

Last night (as I write this), I had a conversation with Vicki.  She noted that my personality as Mario and Marian is the same person, just expressed in two very different ways.  RQS sees this, regardless of what clothing I am wearing.  But what is this difference?  Vicki feels that Marian's personality expression reflects the lack of both the familial emotional damage done to Mario as a child and the social emotional damage that would have been done to Marian had she been born with a female body.  There is a certain emotional strength in Marian that Mario could never have, as she never suffered the blows that most children have received while growing up.

Why is this important?

I realize that I never want to give up my life as Marian for anything.  Yet, it is threatened by the undercurrents of today's politics.  A conservative gay man who made a case for same-sex marriage long before it was the law of the land once noted that he was surprised to see this happen in his lifetime.  Same-sex marriage only challenges one of one of our traditional beliefs: Heterosexual relationships are a cornerstone of our society's values.  Society begrudgingly acknowledged gay and lesbian rights and moved on to other struggles.  But that left transgender people with fewer allies.  

The existence of transgenders challenges something more basic in society, the idea that people could be born with the mind of one gender, but be housed in the body of the other.  I'm reminded of a joke from the "Addams Family Values" movie where Morticia delivers her newborn child.  Gomez pops out into the waiting room where everyone is asking: "What is it?"  And Gomex proudly announces: "It's an Addams!"  It's not the answer most of us were expecting to hear, but it is an equally correct one that challenges our standard mode of thinking.  To most of us, one's sex/gender is the most basic form of identification one can have - and it is fixed at birth.  To Gomez, it is simply that he had a healthy child.

Right now, my rights are protected in most of the "Blue States".  But they are being attacked in congress, as Sarah McBride may be denied her right to go to the women's loo in peace.  Sarah understands the nature of the game.  But most people do not.  They see the world in binary terms such as reproductive gender and not the fluidity found throughout nature.

As for me, I will continue exercising my rights to go out as Marian, as this is the personality that best fits who I am.  She may evolve, like most of us do over time.  Yet, she will feel more like a whole person while doing so. This is the most important thing to me - to be true to myself.

Happy New Year - 2025

 

Happy New Year!!!!

(My regular posts will resume tomorrow.)

Thinking about the year soon gone.

 

RQS and I seem to be spending most of our free time together, and we've got a routine that seems to be working for us.  This got me thinking about how my life has changed over the past few years, and how things seem to be crystalizing into something nice this past year.

- - - - - -

At the beginning of the year, I was concerned about visiting my uncle before he passed away.  Sadly, this did not happen, and I ended up taking a California Coastal Cruise by myself - one of the few times I've traveled lately without her.  (Yes, I will note that I booked my Hawaii cruise before I met her, but I did offer to have her come with me on the cruise.)  Our big trip was our Norwegian Cruise in June   And then, we took 2 separate cruises to Bermuda.  Cruising has become our favorite form of vacation, but the idea of visiting places already visited has diminished.  We want to experience new places.  And that may mean changing how we travel and where we go.

As we age, we have to worry a bit about changes in our health.  RQS has had her health problems, and I have had my issues.  I will soon need to search for a new GP, as my doctor is getting old.  He's a good doctor, but I have my issues about reaching his office, and the quality of his staff.  My sleep doctor is retiring at year end, and I need to find out who I will need to see for future follow-ups.  Luckily, the doctor who performed my colonoscopy is young, and I will likely be able to see him when I next need to have the lower part of my GI-Tract inspected.

Getting older often means that one will see his/her peers gradually die off.  Earlier this year, one of the people with whom I went to college suddenly passed away.  My cousin passed away just before RQS and I went on one of our Bermuda cruises.  And last night, I was told that the clinical supervisor for my feminine speech training at Mercy College had passed away due to a heart attack.  I live one of the more unhealthy lifestyles of people I know.  Yet, I've been lucky enough to maintain my addictions to air, water and food.  

Now that I've been out of the workforce for 2+ years, I miss work for only one reason - the social aspect of being in an office.  Towards the end of my work life, I knew that my efforts were underappreciated.  At the bank, I was no longer in the location where the company was growing, I was in a field that was quickly dying off, and I had been unable to make the transition to a new skill set in time to maintain my value to the corporation.  I was a misfit for the first job after leaving the bank .  And then, the next 2 jobs had no room for future growth.  So I'm glad that I have my days to myself.

Even with having days to myself, I'm finding that I'm attending fewer meetups.  More of them are being held on weekends, and I am no longer free on weekends.  More of my time is committed to being with RQS (and her time with me) than I ever had with XGFJ.  We stumbled into a solid relationship, and I make sure to tell her how lucky I feel that she's with me on this part of my journey through life.  Contrast this with my brother's life.  My sister in law's illness has put extreme stress on their relationship, and he stays away from the house to maintain his peace of mind.  Earlier in the year, he booked a Mediterranean cruise for August, and then cancelled it for reasons other than he wanted to mention - I think my sister in law's illness played a part in his decision.  Virtually all of his travel now is without his wife, and I feel sorry that they do not travel together to see their offspring.  I wouldn't trade my life with RQS for his life with his wife.  I prefer to spend my time with RQS when possible.

I am worried about what will happen over the next 4 years.  The president-elect is being reckless with his nominations, and will likely alienate us from the free world.  More important to me is the GOP's attitude towards transgender people.  Although I could live in stealth mode, I don't trust the powers that be not to violate my civil rights.  So I am working on getting a second passport.

So many things are in flux right now.  And yet, I feel calm.  Somehow, I'll find a way to survive and prosper - in spite of the world around me.

 

A day spent doing nothing. (A quick post.)

 

Last night, I decided to wear something pretty to bed.  Little did I know that neither RQS nor I would bother to get dressed to go out today. Thankfully, my apartment is warm enough that I could wear a "little nothing" and feel comfortable all day.

We had no plans for the day, and given the outside temperature, it didn't make sense to go outside.  Instead, RQS straightened out my kitchen while I emptied out a chest of drawers, so that I could buy a more functional chest from Ikea next weekend.  I could then move stuff from the chest that currently holds part of my female wardrobe to a chest whose drawers open and close without difficulty.  (Would it make sense for me to repair the old chest?  Yes.  But I don't have the woodworking tools to take care of this simple task.)

Once our tasks were done, it was time to relax.  And we did so for the rest of the day.  We thought about booking another cruise from a last minute booking list.  But we held off.  I wasn't sure if RQS could afford another trip, and I didn't want to encourage her to take any trips she couldn't afford.

- - - - - -

Luckily, I had more than enough in the house to make a decent dinner.  However, I know that my GP will read the riot act to me when I see him this coming week.  I shudder to get on the scale, as I don't want to know how much I weigh.  Yet, I need to ask the doctor a couple of questions, and this will be my one opportunity to do so.

A visit to the bank and a feast at home

 

As I am one of two people who have signatory powers for the co-op, I was expected to meet the board's president at the bank for whatever tasks were needed as we transfer our operating account from one bank to another, one management company to another.  Since I am only known to the bank as Mario, this determined how I'd dress for the rest of the day.  (The cold weather outside reinforced the decision to dress in Mario mode today as well.)

Around 11 am, I arrived at the bank, and found that our president had mostly completed work at the bank.  All that was left for me was to email a copy of a form to the new managing agent, and to collect reimbursement money for renewing our Zoom account.  And then, we were done.  Now, it was time to rest until I had to pick RQS up at the train station.

At 3:45 pm, I picked RQS up at the station, and then we took a drive to Yorktown and Uncle Giuseppe's.  (Uncle Giuseppe's is an Italian Specialty supermarket with locations in the NYC suburbs.)  Unlike Trader Joe's, where I have a hard time breaking $50 in a typical visit, I broke $100 at Uncle Giuseppe's on this visit.  And this visit only resulted in less than 2 supping bags worth of food.  At least, we got our meal for the night - Zuppa de Pesce. Our next stop was at the Foodtown, where I only wanted to pick up some fresh pasta that I forgot at our prior stop.  And that's where RQS accidentally flushed ker keys down the toilet.  Now, that forced us to get some keys cut sometime this weekend.  

We finally got home and relaxed before I started to prepare dinner - and it was tasty.  Both RQS and I enjoyed our meal and the dessert we had afterwards.  But now, we had another thing to take care of this weekend....

I don't have much to say for today, save that I couldn't eat the whole thing.

 

OK, I know I have to go on a diet other than "See Food".  But when it's a once-a-year dinner at a good restaurant and service is slow, it's hard for me NOT to chow down from the bread basket.

- - - - - -

I didn't want to get up today.  It was raining outside, and they predicted more extreme weather by dinnertime.  For the most part, I stayed in my jammies and watched videos most of the day.  That is until I found a 7-8 year old computer that was once my dad's machine until he passed away.  Although the computer runs Windows 10, it can't be upgraded to Windows 11 because it doesn't have a TPM module.  (Even more important, the machine still uses rotating disk memory and is way too slow compared to modern machines.)  So, I have two Windows 10 machines that can't be upgraded, and I don't know what to do with them.

Next, I had to get showered and dressed.  Although I really want to go out as Marian, I'm not going to out myself to people I'm not sure would respect me after the outing.  (There are still some advantages to presenting as a male, and I have to take advantage of them while on the co-op board.)  Just before I was to pick up my fellow board members, I decided to finally subscribe to a new anti virus platform.  This was easier than I thought it would be.  But it will be way too expensive to stay on this platform after this subscription period ends.

Once done with installing the new software, it was off to pick up my fellow co-op board members, and then to the restaurant.  At the restaurant, we met the new site manager, our accountant and our lawyer.  As much as we discussed formal business with our experts, we also participated in normal social chit chat.  Service was slow, and I ate too much - simply because the bread basket was right in front of me. And then the food came!  In this episode of "(Wo)man vs. Food", Food won this round.  I ended up bringing the seafood home, only to trash it in the dumpster.  After 2-3 hours, I wasn't going to trust the safety of a seafood dish, and I wasn't going to reheat it for tomorrow's meal.  So the only thing I figured I should do is toss the leftovers because it was the safest thing to do.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow will be another day.  And I am scheduled to go to another meetup.  Like the last one, I'm not certain about going.  I'll make a decision about it tomorrow morning....