t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell. I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected. But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future. I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.
When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection. So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings. In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying. We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.
The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did. If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.
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On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day. If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day. This didn't mean I slept all day. Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times. It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.
When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip. This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs. While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face. Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor. (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago. Any ideas from my readers?)
Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable. The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little. So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing. If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year. The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas. You can guess how much of a funk I was in....
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Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day. JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK. She's feeling a bit down. Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help. Her son needs to find work. And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.
Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange. I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon. Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian. Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7? Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship. Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.
If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present. I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her. But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson. She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone. (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)
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But back to JS. She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice. The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida. Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves. The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.
By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out. Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner. The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy. If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all. Instead, I had leftovers.
JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be. She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life. Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself. How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?
On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet. If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely. And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so. Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.
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Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home. Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for
the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push
GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as
Marian 24x7. What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance. And that was worth NOT living 24x7. But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.
Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year. Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.
My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so. My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact. But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.
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Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass. I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately. Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.
My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate. So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week. Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.
At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this. I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today. Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her. Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)
So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours. This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days. It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene. And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives. I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.
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PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did. Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband. Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.
