I've documented issues related to the loss of a friendship, the breakup of another, and thought's I've had about things in general. Yet, I've never tied everything together for general consumption. This is my attempt to put things into perspective.
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I've been dating GFJ for a little over 5 years. And we have hit some problems in our relationship. Since I'm writing this entry before Thanksgiving, I am making the assumption that both of us will be with our own families during holiday season.
(This is now true.) I'd have been happy to have had the same kind of relationship that Vicki #1's dad had with his girlfriend - two people in love with each other, but not sharing a common living space. Each of us would have had the freedom to live our lives as we see fit, but would have had the knowledge that each of us would be there for the other. I do not know where this will end up, nor do I know if this situation is permanent. But I do think that we were better off with each other being in our lives, and I think that separating on a good note leaves us many more options than I have with my former cruise partner.
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To check whether I was going nuts or not, I described the situation with my former cruise partner to several of my other friends. Several of these friends would have liked to see me find a way to patch things up with her, as she was a close friend for several years. However, other friends noted that this woman's actions were abnormally controlling, even though they could be viewed as simple caring from another perspective.
I react very poorly to being controlled by others, and I would push anyone away who'd try to do this to me. I guess this goes back to childhood, when my mother didn't respect that other people (especially her children) had opinions that differed significantly from hers. I can still remember being on the phone with a friend, saying that the fancy service at one Chinese restaurant we went to was a little off putting to me. My mom got very upset at this, as my opinion was very different from hers, and started an argument which resulted in my dad telling her off for one of the few times that I remember him doing so. Incidents like this created a situation where neither my brother nor I have any pleasant memories of her. Nor do either of us miss her, almost 20 years after her death.
My former cruise partner is a control freak, but this never got to me until a series of incidents on our last cruise together
(documented in my previous blog). Describing these incidents in detail to my friends, the one I consider my main reality check told me that she was now very glad that she never met my cruise partner. The little incidents would have been driven her nuts! Then, this friend said that she understood why I severed contact the way I did - the relationship could no longer nourish me the way it once did, and I didn't want to cause either of us any more pain.
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I also related these events to HWV (in passing) when we went out for dinner the other night. She and HWJ started asking me about romance and my transgender nature - intimate questions that I have no problems answering, when asked by people I've gotten to know a little. It's amazing how little the average person knows about gender dysphoria, gender presentation, gender identification, and gender preference. For most Cisgender people, it's way too easy to take many things for granted.
This was an educational conversation, as much for me as it was for them, as I was in the proper setting to talk about things. Could I have talked this way with GFJ? Probably not. This is the kind of conversation which would have her walking away to give me more space to live as Marian - even when I gladly make the trade-off to share my life with someone I love. (Thankfully, my dysphoria is very mild, as it allows me to live in both genders as needed.) In a way, I am very envious of one of my Facebook friends I met at Fantasia Fair. She has a healthy relationship with her wife, a relationship which would only break up if she decides to transition completely, both socially and medically.
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Now we get to my recent conversation with Pat. As I've mentioned, she's an idealist who thinks she is a realist. She's a person who believes in leftist conspiracy theories, and will only accept the idea of impossibly large changes without plans, and not the incremental changes that realists like me promote. There are serious problems with the world right now, climate change being one of them. Although I believe in climate change/global warming, I still consider it an incompletely proven theory - the same way Einstein's theory became useful, even if not proven completely. Pat is the type of person who will get involved in every Liberal cause, including Black Lives Matter, and then think she is "Woke". Often, she doesn't have much of a clue about what is really going on, as she seems to always be looking for her Lefty Gold Medal to be pinned on her chest. This will never happen, as she has no clue about how to affect any change, because she doesn't know how to convince people that change is needed.
Years ago, I learned that politics is a skill of making possible things happen, and knowing what things are possible and what things are not. To break down the idea of "Separate but Equal" in the courts, many smaller cases had to be brought before the Supreme Court, building up a foundation to overturn prior court rulings. Pat has no clue about this technique, and would have blown it by putting everything together in a single court case - and then losing it. Society needs time to process major changes, it needs a plan to implement those changes, and it needs time to sell those changes to a large enough population who will support it. Pat would destroy the world we live in with her ideals, as she would not pay enough attention to the details or planning needed to get any meaningful changes done.
With all of this, Pat understands why I severed contact with my former cruise partner. I've grown enough to live without an important crutch in my life. Yet, she doesn't understand that my growth also allows me to see her for what she is, and accept her as such. At the age of 78, I doubt that she ever will grow any further - her mind is set in its ways, she distrusts everything the world has been built on, and she can provide no meaningful or effective steps that will make this world a better place. All she can do is tilt at her windmills and bask in her "wokeness".
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As with everything I write about, it all comes back to me. Years ago, I searched for any romantic interest that would have me for a partner. I settled for my wife, a good woman, someone who deserved someone better than me. It took me years after I lost her to cancer to then be able to appreciate a good woman when she came into my life. And yet, I wasn't able to read GFJ's mind and give her the relationship security she needed. (No, there is no way I could have read her mind. But this is a problem with many relationships - not enough quality communication.) Whatever happens with GFJ and I, I feel I have learned something I might be able to bring into another relationship (if I ever decide to pursue one again.)
