There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

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This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

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Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

It'll be sad when the census ends

 

This has been the first real job that Ive been able to work as Marian.  And sadly, it will soon end.  Whether it ends at the end of September, as the Trump administration wants, or at the end of October as originally scheduled, it doesn't matter - this gig will soon end.

I took this job knowing that it was a short term gig.  It paid well. But there is nothing much left for me to do except pack up my belongings and take my leave.  Yet, I've made a few friends here, and I hope to get together with them in the future.

Sometimes you swing for the fences, and sometimes you play small ball....

The above picture was taken about 7-8 years ago, when minor league ball was being played.  I was dating a woman from Staten Island, and we had bargain tickets to see the "Baby Bombers" play at home.  Those were simpler times, and the eventual break with this woman didn't hit me as hard as that in my most recent relationship.

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Why, you might ask, am I referencing a relationship that ended 7 years ago?  Well, the Baseball analogy seems to fit with this picture.  When dating, one either has to go for the Thunderbolt of attraction.  Or, one has to go for "something" that grows over time.  I tend to make the latter choice, as I am too slow to deal with a Thunderbolt if it were to strike me.  And that is just as well.

In my last post, I mentioned 3 ladies: FL, MB, and FH.  I thought MB was no longer interested when she dropped out of sight.  Instead, I'd bet that one of two things happened: (1) MB had a date with someone more promising, or (2) MB got herself into a funk and was not in a good position to date.  However, I touched base the other day, and she responded this afternoon.  We exchanged a series of messages, and it looks like I'll be in a good position to see her again.  FH asked me to help her buy an air conditioner for her daughter's room, and I'll be seeing the daughter when I lug the machine into her apartment. This leaves FL. Yesterday (as I write this), I went on a date with her, and we spent a good part of the evening in each other's arms, talking on a park bench in Tarrytown after a nice riverfront dinner. Over dinner, FL mentioned that in a way, I am the best of both worlds: Someone who could be both a boyfriend and a girlfriend.  When I mentioned that I was thinking of leading a meetup to Innisfree Garden in Dutchess County, FL said she'd be interested in going with me.  I let her know that I'd be going as Marian, and she said she understood that. YAY!  But I now have a dilemma.  Is it time to start getting more intimate?

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I feel obligated to mention XGFJ in passing.  When we were fighting over meetups, I know I played my hand way too hard and I lost access to the one functioning dinner group in the Hudson Valley because of my ex.  However, I have access to the music group, and have effectively blocked her out because of her hatred of me as Marian.  The other day, I came off the wait list for a meetup, and she a couple of days later.  When she saw me as an attendee, she bailed, saying that she had made other plans.  I guess that as long as I am an active member in the music group, my ex will stay away.  I feel sorry for her.  She won't be free until she is able to see me again as Marian and confront her fears directly.  But that's not my concern - I have to make a decision on which one of the three ladies I've dated is worth gambling on, and if not, do I want to try for someone else?

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Over the past 8 months, I've been able to save a reasonable amount of money by working at the census bureau.  I have postponed taking time off from work for two reasons: (1) I want to save up as much money as I can while the census is willing to pay me to work, and (2) The pandemic has severely limited the number of places I can travel to without having to quarantine myself upon return. Recently, higher-ups in Washington have directed the census to stop counting people a month earlier than planned, as POTUS feels that the GOP will benefit from an under count in the urban (Blue) states. Today (as I write this), a judge has issued an order to temporarily stop preparations to end the census on September 30th, and continue with the "original" (pandemic adjusted) end date of October 31st.  If the October 31 date holds, I will likely save an extra month's salary (after expenses) and be better prepared for a time where I'm not working.

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And this brings me back to baseball.  Sooner or later, I have to choose which direction I want to go in my life and what I want to do when I get there.  Do I swing for the fences and go for a relationship where I can live as Marian 24x7?  Or, do I play "small ball" and take my gains when I can, but risking little in the process?  I tried the latter in my last relationship, and it didn't work out.  But maybe I can do a little better this time around. 

It looks like things are sorting themselves out

For the most part, time is passing and things are happening slowly.  Until the pandemic ends, I'm trusting that the slow march of time will help things change for the better.

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Recently, I mentioned 3 women I've dated: FH, MB, and FL.  It looks like things are slowly sorting themselves out.  I'd have liked MB to have been one of the last two to choose from.  But she has her issues, and I think she wants someone more physically active than me.  FH is a good person, but I'm finding that we may not have enough in common to keep up a lasting relationship.  Couple this with her location and other things I won't talk about now, and she might have to be dropped from my list.  And then there is FL.  Unlike my previous relationship, she did her research up front.  So, she's the one that may be at the top of my list.  

- - - - - -

One of the problems I've had recently is that I have no idea of when my work at the census will end. Well, I'm now sure that this part of my life will end towards the end of the month, and I'll be both sad and happy to see it go.  Sadness will be present, as I'll miss seeing familiar faces on a daily basis.  Happiness will also be there, as I've been paid to take up space as recruitment wound down.  As you'd expect, they had no way or desire to move me to an area where I'd have work to do while the place winds down.  So I spent much of my time surfing the web and reading books.

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As I've mentioned before, my niece is waiting for a resident visa to be issued, so that she could move to Britain and be with her fiancee.  The other day, I read that the USA and UK are working on a transit bridge between New York (and its low COVID infection rate) and London (to help with post-Brexit trade).  My niece may be one of the beneficiaries of this development if it comes off.

- - - - - -

Going out en-femme has become such a normal part of my life that I don't write much about it anymore.  Yet, there are still things I can say about it.  For example, I sent off a copy of my resume to a woman whose husband runs a business in lower county.  If she likes what she sees, it might be an opening to work another job en-femme.  This time, I'll make sure that only the owner (and his HR designee) knows of my legal identity.  This might be a great segue for me when the census job ends.

What I miss most about the "Old Normal"

With a title like the one above, one might think I was talking about having a girlfriend.  But you'd be wrong.  I realize that I don't miss my ex.  Instead, I miss being able to have closure in a dispute we were having.  She's not worth space in my head, and the memories I have being with her are not worth the time I spent with her.  

However, the above doesn't mention what I miss most about the "Old Normal".  If you were to ask me what I miss most, it would be the ability to be in places where people congregate and to be social. I miss the ability for my acquaintances to hold dinner meetups in local restaurants. I miss meetups where a small group of friends would play board games all night.  I miss being able to go into New York City to go to the theater.  And I miss being able to take vacations wherever I want to go.

A good part of my social life revolved around meetup groups.  I wouldn't think twice of going to more than one dinner meetup group per week if my schedule permitted.  Of course, I had a regular Thursday appointment in Yonkers to play games after work.  These groups helped me refine my feminine presentation and expression.

Although I can go to New York and visit museums today (they are allowed to open at 25% capacity), I am not comfortable using mass transit in the city.  So if I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met), I'll have to drive into Manhattan and try to find parking there.  This is something I don't like doing.  But I'll do this to have an enjoyable date with one woman.  However, I will miss being able to visit some of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan when I do this.

Most of all, I miss being able to travel where and when I want.  The pandemic has gotten in the way of that.  Cruising is out for the foreseeable future, and I feel I am limited to travel in the Northeast.  This wouldn't be so bad, but I want to get some sun and be able to wear my swimsuit again.  The Hawaii cruise I wanted to take is likely to be cancelled, and it is getting priced too high to bother taking.  Instead, I am now looking at a cruise scheduled for late next year, and am hoping to book that cruise before prices start to spike irrationally.

There are 4 words that I try to focus on when the "New Normal" gets me down....

"This Too Shall Pass."

And I know it will....

Miscellaneous items of note for August 2020

When I started blogging, I used to have a girlfriend.  Since I broke up with the most recent ex, it has been the longest period I spent without a "significant other" since my late wife passed away.  With the loss of two people I counted on in my life, I found that I was lucky to be able to date as a male - as bad as my cravings were to find someone new, it is much harder for the average female.  

Now that the pandemic has eased off for a while in the NYC Suburbs, I've been able to date several women, with three of them being on my short list.  Of those three, I have a strong feeling which one I'll end up with - and I'm hoping that this time, I don't make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

- - - - - -

As I've mentioned here, I've been working at the census since January.  Soon, this job will end, and I'll be looking for another job to tide me over to final retirement.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it working as Marian or as Mario.  But I'd like to be able to keep working as Marian, even though I'll have to spend more time and money maintaining my feminine appearance.  

Recently, I stumbled into someone who believes me to be female, and suggested that I apply for work at the firm her husband runs.  If I were to get hired, he'd have to know that I am transgender, and would also have to keep this a secret from the other staff.  (I don't mind people knowing about me.  I just want to control how the message is delivered.)  Yet, it would be very interesting to find work in private industry as a non-op transgender woman.

- - - - - -

If all goes right, my niece will soon have her visa and will be able to fly to Great Britain to start her life with her fiancee.  Both she and my brother will need to spend 14 days in quarantine before the wedding.  And I expect that this will be one of the happiest days of her life.  Too bad that this part of her life will start in a way furthest from her dreams.

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The other day, I received a message from one woman on a dating site.  (She responded to my ad, with me in feminine presentation.)  She said I was a hell of a person based on my profile, and wanted to meet me as a friend.  (She had just started dating someone new.)  I figure that I will meet her and develop a friendship.  If I stay in the friendship zone (as I expect), I'd ask her to just introduce me as Marian to her beau, and not mention my biological gender.