I understand why DS doesn't go to our game meetup these days.

 

 
When I selected this picture, it appeared as if it was a specialty coffee drink.  Instead, it is a picture of a hot fudge sundae at Ben & Jerry's in Mt. Kisco.  Yum!

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Why did I keep the picture at the top of this entry?  Well, it's a reminder of indulgences that I have avoided (or eased off on) over the past couple of weeks.  And it's a reminder that my weight has dropped over the past few weeks.  Yay!  And yet, it's something to monitor, as lethargy and weight loss can mean many things.  So I will make it a priority to see my GP soon.

- - - - - -

 The first thing on my docket for today was seeing my friend MSJ for lunch.  This was not a day where we would review changes she made to her resume.  Instead, it was a day which we exchanged stories of Thanksgiving related disasters.  All too soon, 1:30 pm came around, and we had to go   We'll be talking next week, and seeing each other in the new year.

Next, it was off to bring my old phone to the fix-it shop for battery replacement.  The lady behind the counter was a little surprised that I came with a phone battery in hand.  But then, I have previous experience trying to get battery replacements done on other Motorola phones.  She told me to give her 30 minutes.  So I went across the street for some hot chocolate while she replaced my battery.  When I returned, the phone was ready, and it was time for me to go home to nap.

- - - - - -

Around 4 pm, I started a load of laundry, and then got ready to go out.  After I brought the laundry upstairs, I drove down to Yonkers for game night.  Although I thought DS might come tonight, she was visibly absent.  The loud mouthed fellow that I know she doesn't like was there, and he was in fine form.  Not only was he scattershot in explaining rules to games he may have played once or twice, he was very loud in his arguments (that's a stronger word than I'd like to use) about game rules.  I was getting annoyed too.  It's easy to see why DS is absent most of these days - she is tired of this fellow making himself the center of attention.

We ended the evening early, and noted that our next gathering will be in 3 weeks, and not the usual 2 weeks.  That's fine with me, as I could use the extra Thursday for my own purposes.  But I'll have to figure out a way to give the host/hostess' children their Xmas gifts before Xmas.

It's been a long time since I was at a meetup

 

TCL will never understand why I attend meetups as Marian.  But then, she can never understand what it's like being transgender, and why I want to live life as a female.  So, I only try to get together with her when I know I'll have to be in Mario mode for something else that day.

- - - - - -

Today was not a day I would have wanted to see TCL.  I was lethargic for most of the day, and I would have skipped out on going to a meetup had I committed myself to this dinner in Pleasantville.  So I made sure to set several alarms to get me moving when I needed to do so.  

Around 4 pm, I got showered and dressed.  However, I didn't know what to wear.  It was too chilly for me to wear a dress, as I would have stood out from cisgender women on a day like this.  So I looked for a comfortable sweater top and a pair of women's trousers I could wear, and found something I haven't worn in a couple of years.

I arrived in Pleasantville 30 minutes early, and decided to play games on my phone to kill time.  Shortly after I walked into the restaurant, DS showed up.  A few minutes later, everyone else showed up, and we proceeded to order dinner.  After some more time, my Jambalaya arrived, and I was getting stuffed before I finished what was on my plate.  But I made sure to leave room for bread pudding for dessert.  

Around 8:30 pm, it was time to go.  As I walked to my car, one of the fellows at the meetup complimented me on what I was wearing.  Was this a polite comment?  Or, was he trying to show an interest in getting to know me better?  I didn't have the benefit of a young adulthood as a female, so I'm not always sure of how to read men while out as Marian.  But at least, I know this fellow to be a harmless gentleman....

It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

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I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

- - - - - -

Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

- - - - - -

At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

I want to have my old phone as a backup, but....

 

My old phone is laying on a small table with the tools needed to repair it.  But should I do it myself?  That is the question.  I no longer have one of the tools I need to soften the adhesive holding the remainder of the back panel for removal.  And this is where my dilemma starts.

- - - - - -

Last Wednesday, RQS and I were watching a YouTube video about Lithium Battery issues in electronic devices.  And I took my phone out of its case for the first time in months, finding that my phone's battery was one that needed immediate replacement.  So, in order not to be without a phone for a few days, I decided to replace the phone and transfer all of my programs and data to the new phone on Black Friday.  

Black Friday came, and I purchased the phone.  Then the task of moving apps and data to the new phone started.  Although moving apps and data was easy, Google doesn't move passwords to new devices for some reason I don't know.  (It may have something to do with security on the phones, but I'll leave that to others to explain.)  I'm lucky that RQS and I have a good relationship, as others might have thought I was deliberately neglecting her to play with my phone.

Over the next few days, I got most of my apps up and running on the new phone, save that "enhancement" stats for one game weren't ported.  So, I ended up starting from scratch, albeit at a higher level of play. This was the least of my concerns.  What should I do with the old phone?  I feel I should repair it, replacing the two year old battery.  Could I do it myself?  

My next step was to order a new battery from Amazon.  But it wasn't a battery direct from the manufacturer.  When the battery came in a few days later, I was able to open the back of the phone a little more, then I paused.  I didn't want to ruin the phone, nor did I want anything but a genuine Motorola battery in the phone.  So I ordered what I should have ordered in the first place, and decided to wait before deciding to hand the phone over to a pro for this repair.

Why did I order the batteries myself?  Unlike Apple and Samsung products, few places keep Motorola replacement parts in stock - even though it is the #3 cell phone maker.  At least, with parts in hand, the phone can be repaired quickly.  When I told this to TCL, she had no clue as to why this could be an issue.  But then, she uses an Apple phone, and they always have parts in stock at the Apple store.  And I'd rather save money by buying phones that cost 50% to 66% less than their Apple equivalents.  So far, my approach has saved me money on phones, as I am able to get reasonably priced upgrades when I need them.

A Microsoft Windows update cost RQS $100. (A short post)

 

Many of us have had to deal with flawed Windows updates.  Sometimes, an update is so bad that it "Bricks" the computer, requiring the user to recover to the last applied backup.  In RQS's case, the update installed a bad driver which wouldn't let her use her computer.

- - - - - -

Several weeks ago, RQS complained that her computer wasn't booting properly.  She'd see the manufacturer's logo flashed, and then she'd get a black screen.  I couldn't fix it on my own, and I suggested that we bring the computer to the local repair shop in Croton.  One problem.  I spent a couple of weekends in a row that I'd be spending time in Queens, and that I wouldn't bring the computer to the shop on my own.

Since this past weekend (as I write this) was a long holiday weekend, we planned to drop the computer off on Friday.  Another problem - many places, such as my insurance broker and the computer store were closed for Thanksgiving weekend.  So we ended up dropping the computer off this morning, on my way to drop RQS off at the train station.

Less than 90 minutes later, RQS's computer was fixed.  The local fix-it guy did a good job. Her computer is up and running, and we'll pick it up this Friday.  Yay!

I now find that I try to avoid talk of politics (a short post)

 

I am still recovering from the November election.  In short, the Democrats didn't have a chance, as people have way too short memories of the chaos of the first Trump administration.  This means that I don't follow political news as closely as I once did, and I try to talk about other topics whenever possible.

Why do I mention this?

It's midnight, and RQS wanted to get information regarding who Trump's latest nominees are, and I wanted to discuss other things.  Although we didn't have an incident, I was uncomfortable for a minute or two.  And I was very glad that our conversation shifted into a more comfortable topic.

- - - - - -

On other matters....

I was too tired to get moving until 4 pm, when we decided to finally make our way outside for a pizza, and then go to the movies.  Although the pizza was very good (as usual), we couldn't say that about the movie - it was sold out in both of the theaters we went to.  At least, we got tickets for tomorrow's showing.

In short, today was mostly a nothing burger, and it was just as well.  Tomorrow, it will be Pedicures for two, followed by a trip back to the movie theater....

The day after, Or: The turkey didn't die in vain. He died for us.

 

After a night where our stomachs digested yesterday's feast, it was time to take care of errands.  Our goals for the day: (1) Bring RQS's computer to the repair shop for a battery replacement, (2) Get my car's windshield fixed, and (3) Buy a new cell phone (the old one's battery needs replacing).  Of these tasks, there is no order that they must be done.  But they must be done while I present as Mario.  AARGH!  

- - - - - -

As usual, I awakened before RQS and decided to take care of some things before going out to get the car windshield fixed.  Unfortunately, several things conspired to prevent us getting to Safelite on time.  First, RQS didn't get dressed soon enough to meet the built in margin I had with departure time to reach Mt. Kisco.  Second, Google Maps directed me to a non-extant address on the "wrong road" in Mt. Kisco.  (I copied the address of 379 N. Bedford Road, and it got corrected to 379 Bedford Road - a location far away from where we needed to be.  And lastly, the street numbering on North Bedford Road was out of sequence, as Shoprite's entry (333 North Bedford Road) came after the small driveway for Safelite while building construction got in the way of seeing Safelite's building from the road.  AARGH!

We proceeded to sit down while my windshield got repaired.  If one looks carefully, there is a spot that got damaged in the safety glass laminate that couldn't be fixed.  However, from either side of the glass, it looks like a spec of dirt.  When it came to paying for the work, I couldn't get them to charge my insurance company directly - I had booked everything with a cash payment.  So I knew I'd have to deal with my car's insurance company when I can reach my agent.

Our next stop was to Best Buy where I bought a new cell phone.  The battery on my old phone is dying, and I figured that it was time to replace it and move things to a new phone.  As I write this, I'm monitoring the process of porting everything over to the new phone.  There will be a few hiccups in the process.  But I expect to be up and running this evening.  Once the new phone is set up for phone calls, I will order a new battery for the old phone and prepare to take it to the shop to be installed.  I will then have a backup phone for emergency use.  Yay!

Unfortunately, when we got home, the computer repair shop was closed for the weekend, as was my insurance agent.  RQS and I will be dealing with this on Monday, when everyone is back at work.

- - - - - -

While I am by my computer, RQS is cooking the chicken breasts I bought for Thanksgiving dinner.  One of the four will be used for Chicken Salad sandwiches.  Another will be used for Chicken Linguini Alfredo. And the remaining two will go into the freezer for later use.  Upon opening the package, RQS remarked - these breasts are heavier than the turkey breast we had last night!  Somehow, I think I did right....