Dinner with a friend

 

It's been a while since I've seen LK.  She's wonderfully pregnant, and her life has been taken up by the life inside her and the toddler who came out of her about a year and a half ago.  So, it was a miracle that the two of us were able to connect for dinner tonight.

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I'll always have LK to thank for helping me develop a decent feminine voice.  It's not the voice I want, but it's much better than the voice I had when I started transgender vocal therapy at Mercy College (now University)  And it's always a pleasure for me when we get together, as she was the only one of the student clinicians who showed true professionalism in her student work.  (I can only imagine how good she is when working with her clients today.  If I had a child with speech and hearing issues, she'd be one of the first people I'd want working with my child.)

Both of us arrived at the local (to her) diner around 5 pm, and we chatted as if it were old times.  I talked about my past and upcoming cruises, while she talked about the issues in her life.  Both of us needed to chat and this dinner gave us the perfect opportunity to do so.  All too soon we had to leave.  LK had to get up very early for work, and I had to go home.  So at 7:45, we went our separate ways, but pledged to meet each other 4-5 weeks from now. 

Dinner with my former student voice clinician

 

Today's entry is going to be a quick one, as I have to leave for RQS's place in a little while.  But it involves dinner with someone who helped me become the woman I am (for better and worse).

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Several years ago, I started transgender voice training at Mercy College's (now, University's) speech and hearing clinic, where future clinicians are trained.  Compared to the rates charged by one NYC practitioner who has an office on Broadway, I was getting a bargain.  But the help I could get there was limited, as the students rotated in and out of in-school clinical practice every semester.  As a result, the quality of service varied quite a bit, and that there would be a limit to the amount of help I could receive at Mercy.

LK and I have developed a friendship over the years. She is the only student clinician that I encountered who was "fully adult" (she was approaching 40) when I met her.  Last year, she had a baby, and his health complications got in the way of us meeting for a while.  So, getting together with her was a special event.  I was surprised to find that she is pregnant again, and experiencing all of the classic symptoms of pregnancy that she was lucky to have missed the first time around. I won't go into the details of what we chatted about, save that we caught up on each other's lives and hope to get together much more often, now that they have a handle on her son's issues.

All too soon, it was time to leave, and we had to go.  LK went home, while I went to Walmart to pick up a couple of last minute items that I needed for my trip.

Taking it easy....

 

Soon, RQS and I will be seeing this sight as we depart from New York on our Autumn cruise.  The big question I will be asking myself is: How much "Alone Time" will I need in this relationship?  I've found that I get tired of having the same people around me after a few days, and this was likely a factor for me in my breakup with XGFJ - I needed time apart from her more often than I told her.

I opened up with this thought, as I started to wonder how well RQS and I will get along on a 10 day cruise.  We will likely be OK, but I have minor worries about it.

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Today was a good day for me, though most of my plans went sour.  My niece and I were able to connect with each other via Zoom, and we were online for an hour chatting about things in general.  Now that I know that she prefers the use of one communications tool, we can schedule Zoom meetings at will and keep in touch.

My niece is glad that she's in England right now, and loves the early Autumn weather they are having.  Soon, winter will come, and she'll be flying back to the States with her husband.  (This assumes that her passport gets renewed before their trip. She has an expired US passport, and will need it renewed for her return.) I told her of my plans to visit sometime in the next couple of years (in Marian's female gender presentation) and she noted that I shouldn't have any problems with it when I visit.  This is a good thing, as I find it more comfortable for me to dress as Marian instead of Mario.

Although I ran my mouth at a mile a minute, we had a good chat.  Hopefully, we'll be doing it again soon.

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I was supposed to speak with my former student clinician for my speech therapy.  She has delivered her baby, and is up to her eyeballs taking care of her infant. So we haven't had much time to chat in a long while.  The same goes to a lesser extent for KM, a woman I used to work with at the document imaging firm.  Although I was supposed to speak with both women, it was just as well that I didn't - I was in the mood to be alone.  In many ways, I was like Greta Garbo in saying: "I want to be alone." 

As you can guess, being with people was the furthest thing from my mind today....

Seeing an "old" friend.

 

It's been a while since I've seen my former student clinician from Mercy College that I used to develop my feminine voice. So It was a great pleasure to see her again and catch up on things.

But first....

I was a little depressed, as I noticed that my former cruise partner had deleted the "Congratulations" message I sent, finding out that she has a new grandchild.  So sad.  I doubt she'll ever let go of her anger towards anyone who may have hurt her (like me), and as a result, will never heal from her wounds.  I mentioned this to LK when we met, and she was a great "pick me up" when I needed it most.  And then we talked about her good news - her bun in the oven is healthy, and she can't wait to be a mom.  We talked about so many things in the short time we were together, and I'm hoping that we can get together early next month.

LK is a great person, and is now a great professional.  Yet, her pregnancy is getting in the way of her assignments (occupational prejudice), and there's not much she can do save to deal with it assertively.  She intends to continue working after baby leave, and I feel she will "easily" be able to handle the demands of both family and career. Hopefully, her partner will also step up to the challenge of raising a child.

I won't go into much more right now.  Maybe later on, if LK is OK with it.  (I learned at least that much from dealing with FCP.) 

A quick note on life passing way too quickly

 

It's hard to believe that I haven't found the time to write a new entry for several days.  So I figure that I should put down some bullets to let you know what's happening in my life....

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First, I'm still waiting on getting a fix to the broken Wi-Fi connectivity on my air conditioners.  Later today, I'll be writing Friedrich's CEO to let him (or one of his flunkies) know that I'm very upset that they don't have a solution to my problem yet....

Believe it or not, I'm still going to my mind numbing job.  I don't know how long I will last there.  But I can use the money, I enjoy going to work as Marian, and I have nothing else to give me reasons to get up in the morning at a schedule that most people consider normal.

And last, I am going to see my friend, LK, the former student clinician from Mercy who helped me with my voice training.  It will be a rushed dinner, but something we've wanted to fit in for a long while.

Dinner with a friend

 

This is a quick entry, as I need to take care of cleaning up my bedroom.  Tonight was dinner with the former student clinician who helped me work on my feminine voice.  I hate to say it, but my face still gives me away more than my size or my voice. But this isn't much of an issue if I'm treated with respect.

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I decided to wear a unitard (body suit) with the buttoned top over it.  This would make it a little easier for me to go to the bathroom if needed.  It's a very comfortable outfit, and something I may wear (with a little modification) as the weather gets warmer.  If I'm going to live in the world of women, shouldn't I have to deal with some of the problems women deal with on a regular basis?  I have two more tops in a similar style (different prints/colors) that I can wear with the unitard, and will be doing so in the future.

My friend mentioned that she'd like to visit the women's restroom in the Borough of Manhattan's president's (title?) office during the next Open House New York weekend.  I figure that we will be going into the city together, then going to the loo together.  This time, I'll be sure to get some great pictures from the bathroom stall's river view window.

Hopefully our stars will align to do more things together in the future.  I'm also hoping that things work out for her and her boyfriend, as I'd like an excuse to buy another formal gown in a color I am comfortable wearing.

It was my first full weekend without GFJ, and I wanted someone special to be with....

 

t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell.  I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected.  But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future.  I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.

When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection.  So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings.  In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying.  We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.

The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did.  If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.

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On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day.  If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day.  This didn't mean I slept all day.  Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times.  It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.

When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip.  This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs.  While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face.  Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor.  (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago.  Any ideas from my readers?)

Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable.  The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little.  So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing.  If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year.  The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas.   You can guess how much of a funk I was in....

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Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day.  JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK.  She's feeling a bit down.  Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help.  Her son needs to find work.  And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.

Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange.  I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon.  Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian.  Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7?  Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship.  Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.

If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present.  I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her.  But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson.  She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone.  (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)

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But back to JS.  She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice.  The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida.  Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves.  The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.

By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out.  Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner.  The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy.  If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all.  Instead, I had leftovers.

JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be.  She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life.  Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself.  How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?

On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet.  If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely.  And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so.  Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.

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Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home.  Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as Marian 24x7.  What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance.  And that was worth NOT living 24x7.  But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.

Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year.  Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.

My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so.  My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact.  But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.

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Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass.  I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately.  Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.

My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate.  So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week.  Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.

At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this.  I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today.  Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her.  Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)

So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours.  This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days.  It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene.  And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives.  I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.


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PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did.  Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband.  Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.