If I were a normal sized gal, I'd have an easier time packing.

 

My doctor has been telling me for years that I must lose some weight.  This has been one of the hardest things to do, given that I no longer burn off as much fat as I once did with my everyday activities.  An unfortunate byproduct of this is that my clothes take up more space in a carry-on than they should - especially in Marian mode.

Over the past few days, I have been trying to squeeze a week's worth of clothes into a single carry on bag, with any overflow going into a small backpack.  It was a little easier for me when I had a bag from Mystic Seaport which could be expanded at will.  (It was a great personal item to take on a plane.)  But I think that it migrated to RQS's place - and that I don't have it when I need it.  AARGH!

Sooner or later, I'll have to learn how to minimize what I pack.  But my makeup and toiletry kits take up a lot of precious space - something I wouldn't need if I traveled as Mario.  At least, I'll be traveling as Marian on this trip, and not needing to present as Mario for at least 7+ days.  I can finally get my nails done!!!  

Hopefully, I'll be able to drop a few pounds before next summer's trip....

The more I work on cleaning my place, the more it seems I need to do.

 

My apartment used to look something like this in the not so distant past.  However, when the pandemic struck, everything changed in my life.  One of those things was an incentive to keep things tolerably neat. Now, I'm trying to eliminate much of the clutter that has taken over this place.

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Right now, the space behind the loveseat is being used for storage.  However, it is a manageable accumulation of boxes stored in the least worthwhile area of the apartment.  And most of this will be moved into my storage compartment downstairs when I've cleaned that out.

My closets are showing more open space than I've had in years.  Yet, there is so much more pruning I have to do.  Ideally, I'll only need one tall dresser/chest and one closet to hold each of my masculine and feminine wardrobes.  But until then, I'll have to gradually build donation bags from clothing I haven't worn in a season or two.

When I started this cleanup process, it was a bit overwhelming.  There is light at the end of the tunnel - but it's so far away.  I figure that there is a lot more that I can get rid of before this place starts to feel like the home it was for me when I moved in here 40+ years ago.  But then, like many baby boomers, I thought that this would be a stepping stone purchase - I'd eventually own a house that could hold all of the stuff that I'd accumulate over the years.

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I guess that the same thought process goes for maintaining one's health as well.  One can not do everything all alone.  The impetus to finally to do the work on this apartment wouldn't have been there, had RQS not been in my life and been in the same position in life.  We work well together.  Years ago, my former cruise partner (FCP) wanted a diet and exercise buddy - something I wasn't prepared to do.  There was a certain desperation in communicating this need for a partner, and I knew I wasn't in a position to help her out.  She would eventually have Bariatric surgery, as well as skin reductions to make her body reflect who she wanted to be.  

So, this leads to the question: Who do I want to be?  To answer that takes a lot of hard work.  To welcome people into my life, I have to have a home worth visiting.  That involves apartment cleanup and some help.  Something similar is needed to get my body into shape.  Will I do anything as drastic as my former cruise partner?   No.  I saw how miserable she felt in the early days after her surgery, and I felt bad when I saw her binge eating afterward.  She dealt with the symptoms, and not the underlying problem.  I want to deal with both the underlying problem and its symptoms.

Over the years, I've learned that I need to be able to be out as Marian.  I would never have been happy if several of my previous romantic relationships got further than rolls in the hay.  I'll always be grateful to FCP for her help at the beginning of my journey.  Yet, to continue along this path, I had to go it alone.  Sadly, the way it happened was not a good thing.  But I'll bet that she's better off having been forced to open herself up to the world a little.

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In the end, I'll end up being the person I want most - who and whatever that person may be.

Managing the contents of my closet

 

I'm one of those transgender women who love wearing dresses.  If I were born in a later generation, I'd likely want to wear different garments, as the cisgender women of my generation made their transition into preferring trouser-like garments years after I grew up.  In short, I modeled my clothing preferences on that of my mother, and I may always gravitate to those garments.

Unlike my mother, I enjoy wearing clothing with simple lines and strong colors.  Although I will wear patterns, I am more into solids - in either gender presentation. Although I have more patterned tops for when I present as male, it's only because these are the only tops available in my size. When presenting as a female, I prefer to let my costume jewelry do some of the talking. But I try never to over do it with  jewelry.

Over the years, I have bought way too many items of women's clothing, and I have had to purge some of these garments as they have gone out of style and no longer fit my needs.  Luckily, some charities have been beneficiaries of my purchases.  Today, I am gradually removing the cheaper garments from my closet, those garments which wore out quickly and were not meant to last.  In short, I'm trying to remove "fast fashion" from my wardrobe.

Shifting towards more sustainable fashion requires work.  Yes, I will continue to occasionally buy lower priced garments which I know will last a year or two. But I will not do this as often as I used to do it. (A gal's got to spruce up her wardrobe occasionally, doesn't she?)  The big question becomes: When I eventually get around to losing some weight, will my taste in women's clothing change and what will happen to my wardrobe when that happens?

Dropping off some baggage

 

 

This is going to be a short post, as I don't have that much to say today.  RQS and I will soon be going on another cruise, and I'll be dropping my big bag off at her place.  This will make it possible for me to travel to RQS's place the day before our cruise, and then catch an Uber together to the cruise terminal the next morning.

Packing luggage for male or female modes is still an art for me.  I usually pack way too much stuff, and have gotten away with it because I've been traveling on cruise ships or on Amtrak for the past decade. Somehow, I will need to learn how to pack much lighter if I want to do more traveling, as I don't want to get hit with overweight luggage fees when flying on vacation.  Because I am a heavy person, my clothing weighs more than the average person, and I need larger bags to carry the same number of garments.

Losing weight has never been easy for me, and I wish I had never met Ex-GF-M - if only because my food addiction would never have been triggered on a daily basis.  I had lost 70 pounds in a short period of time, and gained them back when with her.  Those pounds have stayed on long since we broke up, and I have to start eating more fruit and vegetables if I'm going to have a shot at weight loss.

But enough of that.

We all have to deal with the baggage from our past.  I have to deal with the memories of things I said to my late wife out of ignorance.  I have to deal with memories of hurting a best friend because I said too much about her life.  And I have to deal with memories of many more things than I want to discuss here.  This is the baggage I'll always have with me.

One thing that my former therapist taught me is that I have to learn how to forgive myself for my screw ups. I can ask others for forgiveness, but it often can't be given.  In the case of the former friend I used to talk about too much in my blogs, she couldn't deal with the pain from her past.  Now, she demands to be in control of people and things, as she fears being hurt by the ones she loves most.  Because of things we have said, neither of us trusts each other, and there is no way to rebuild any semblance of a friendship.  So sad.

In order to move forward in life, one had to drop off baggage in the proper places to move forward.  In the literal sense, I am dropping off a bag at her place, so that I can go on a cruise with her.  In the case of my former friend, I have had to accept the fact that I screwed up, forgive myself, and move forward to new friendships.  

Hopefully, my future will be better than the past I left behind....

It's hard to believe that I haven't done any serious shopping in a while.

Recently, the above dress was displayed as part of an ad from Karina Dresses on my Facebook feed.  Given that this company is based in the USA and makes its garments in the USA, I had to take a closer look at their web site.  

Karina calls its products as the "Original Easy Dress".  Given that they have a decent selection of dresses each with multiple patterns on sale, it's worth my effort to get to know this brand a little more.  And, given that their one store is located about 90 minutes from me, it's just as much of an effort for me to visit their store as it would be to visit Universal Standard's store before it closed due to the pandemic.

Yet, with all the shopping options out there, nothing seems to say "Buy Me!"  I'm at the stage of wardrobe building where I want to carefully fill in wardrobe gaps, and not buy things for the excitement of receiving something new off the UPS truck.  I'm also at the stage in life where I should seriously get my act together and lose some weight before my health starts to deteriorate.  So, assuming that I start losing weight, I will need to refresh my wardrobe while I shrink - it doesn't make sense to buy things I don't need and won't be able to use for the long term.

I hope that once I start losing weight, that I can use the above image as a model for how I want to look.  Yes, I will need to have some plastic surgery, as my former cruise partner needed after her weight loss. But I will look so much better after having done all of this.
 

 

Torn between two desires

There's a part of me that enjoys going to work and getting a paycheck.  And there's another part of me that rebels against getting up at 6 am.  I don't know which side of me will win out.  But I will be relieved when I don't have to wake up at 6 am, but will need to find a part time gig to give me a reason to get up in the morning.

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The other day, I went to the doctor.  Then, he made his usual speech about me becoming more active and losing weight.  I mentioned that it is easier said than done, when the job I have sucks out almost all the energy I have to be active and that it screws up my natural eating patterns in a way that I actually end up eating more than I would have otherwise.  Further along in the discussion, he discussed a potential prescription change with me - and we put it off until my next visit.

I'm pretty sure that I would be in better shape (in many ways) if I no longer had this job.  But it's nice to have enough money coming in that I don't have to raid my savings.  Given the choice of having more time in my life vs. having enough money to avoid draining savings, I am finding it hard to make a definite decision.  I can easily go in either direction.

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I turn 66 1/2 in a little over 2 years.  Do I want to start collecting Social Security earlier than planned, and get a reduced benefit?  If so, I will lose money if I live as long a life as my father did.  Could I start draining my 401k?  I could do that, but I still want my money to grow and outlast me.  I can't say that would happen if I start regular withdrawals now.  These are the questions that many people of my age have to ask.  And there are no right answers, as we do not know how long we will live.  Nor, do we know how healthy we will be when we get to a certain age.

You'll note that I haven't mentioned anything about being transgender.  Until I go on hormones, it is a non issue in the multi-variable equation.  So I'll base my decisions on how long my father lived, and hope that this gives me a good idea of what I need to plan for in the future.

 

Patterns of behavior

 

Some people are very predictable.  One person I know had a regularly scheduled appearance at a weekly dining meetup that was like going to church on Sundays - a place of comfort which this person did not want to see defiled by another person's presence.  This attitude caused an irreparable rift between two people that scarred one of them for little reason.

Why is this important?

I chatted with a friend last night, and noticed that this friend wanted to lecture me about my weight and my sleeping habits.  Yes, both are terrible.  I should do something about both.  But I haven't.  It's a matter of willpower - and much more.  Now, I'm starting to see several patterns of behavior that I don't like in myself and in others.

One person I know has burnt relationships without noticing her role in those relationships' failures.  Sad.  But when you don't learn from the past, you are doomed to repeat it.  In my case, when pushed, I will fight - not worrying about the end result.  In my most recent case, if I backed off when an unreasonable demand was made of me, I could have been in a better place with our mutual connections.  Next time, I'll know that it is better to avoid a fight where I don't have the ground advantage.  I learn from my mistakes.

We all are creatures of habit.  For example, many of us tend to take one way to work, one way to the airport, and one way to see each of their friends or family members.  Years ago, I had a minor issue with a friend when she was directing me to Westchester County Airport.  The most direct routes would have me drive to Pleasantville or Thornwood, then cross over the hilly ridge (via one of two roads) to reach the road that would take me to the airport.  I preferred the route through Thornwood, while my friend preferred the route through Pleasantville.  She was a little upset at me at first, but then became more comfortable when I reached the road going to the airport.  Another person I know uses her cell phone in bed, then drops it as she nods off to sleep.  Habits are hard to break, and they help to make us predictable creatures.

When my last long term girlfriend broke up with me, I thought I was going to make a habit of going to the local church (where they knew me as Marian) more often. It was not because I am a devout believer.  Instead, it was the feeling of community that I wanted.  In the case of the person I referred to at the top of this entry, I guess that she is still looking for that sense of community she gave up years ago when she stopped going to her church.

 

The high point of my day was dinner

 

I won't go into too much about today.  My ex and I had an interesting exchange of emails.  And thought it brought up feelings in me (and probably in her), it was a productive exchange that will likely continue over time.  What's more important is that I had dinner with Vicki tonight.  Although I can call on her for help, I always have to remember that she is a married women, and has only limited time for me.  

Vicki has a positive accomplishment of note - she has been able to lose enough weight to switch herself into the category of "overweight" from "obese".  I must relearn how, how much, and what to eat, so that I can also lose my excess weight.  It will be hard for me, given that I eat out all too often.  But with the pandemic and winter coming, I'll bet that we will soon have the same shutdowns that plagued us this spring.  However, I think that this time, most businesses will be allowed to stay open, as we can't afford the social safety net needed to keep people home and keep people and businesses solvent. So, without the excuses to eat out, I may just be successful in my attempt to lose weight.