Coronavirus!

This virus has affected everyone.  For people like me, we have lost people near and dear to us.  For others, like XGFJ, they caught the bug and survived - some with long term negative effects. And yet, still others are asymptomatic.  It is not something to take lightly, yet some politicians have done so for political and economic reasons.

As recently as 3 months ago, New York was America's ground zero.  The virus was burning, and the only way to put it out was to deny it fuel - which we did with an extended quarantine. Now, the virus is burning hot in Florida and Texas.  Why?  It's because the governors of those states ignored medical advice from the CDC, and paid attention to Trump's need to show that America was open for business prior to election day.  People in dire economic straits usually vote out the incumbent party, and our president was willing to sacrifice the health of the nation in order to be reelected.

I've been in contact with friends in New York, Florida, and Texas, and only the New Yorkers seem to have a healthy perspective on things.  We still fear the virus, but we feel safe in a gradual reopening of the economy.  Compare this with Texas, where many people won't bother with face masks, and treat the act of wearing one as a symbol of a culture war.  Florida is even worse.  And these states are having infection rates such as New York had 3 months ago.  Even an ex girlfriend of 22 years ago is worried.  But she is stuck in Florida for now.

The other day, a tweet came across my path.  It showed a golf cart parade of Trump supporters being heckled by anti Trump people from the same community ("The Villages".) It's a damned shame that people have consumed Trump flavored Kool-Aid, as we will be suffering for years because of this poor excuse for a human being.  Because of this man's deliberate inaction, we are now in a situation where the Europeans (who are desperate for American tourist dollars) have decided to keep Americans out - to preserve the gains they have made against the virus.

I have both gained and lost things of value because of the virus.  No price can be put on the loss of a parent - I will always miss my dad.  However, I've learned that I do very poorly when I am idle.  I need routines to keep me busy, and I need a social network to keep me sane.  And I have worked to patch together such a network.  Not being in intensive contact with XGFJ for the past 6 months has taught me that I should never get too attached to someone.  There is a fine line between love and addiction, and only now am I truly starting to get over losing her as both a friend and lover.  As much as the pandemic hurt me, this may have been its greatest gift - the knowledge that she could love only part of me, not the whole of me, making her a bad partner for me.

I went to the dentist today, and he was surprised!

Normally, I would have done a "Half and Half" day when going to the dentist.  I had scheduled a weekday visit to the dentist (which usually involves me presenting as a male), followed by work (which usually involves me presenting as a female). However, in a chat with the dentist's receptionist, I outed myself to her, and she said that I should come in as a female one day - so I did!  And it was fun. More importantly, it was convenient!

Now that I am out to him, I don't have to do any more half and half days when going to the dentist - this will save me at least an hour's worth of time each time I get my teeth worked on.  And it is one more step in my path to femininity.  But is it worth it?

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A while back, XGFJ said that she feared me being on this path.  The reality is that she probably was never comfortable with me, but sent mixed signals throughout our relationship.  If she had bothered to express her feelings properly and negotiate, I would have set limits to how far down this path I'd have gone.  Now, I have decided to attend meetings of every meetup group that she doesn't want for me to attend - only because I need to show her that she has no right to demand I not attend these groups, her feelings be damned.  But I will attend only those gatherings that I'd want to attend because they do something for me other than rub her the wrong way.

I don't know if I'll ever get into "her" dinner group.  They like to pick known regulars over newcomers.  So it will mean that I have to keep trying for a while and hope for the best.  However, if there is a meeting open to newcomers, I'll try for it.

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I won't go into any details about work - that would violate my oath. But we're being kept busy trying to clean up the mess brought upon us by the pandemic.  In the past, I'd feel comfortable giving a census job to anyone who applied for one.  Now, if the person is immuno-compromised, or in one of the known risk groups, I'll look out for the health of the applicant over the needs of the census bureau.  At least, we are moving forward, having places to do our training. Hopefully, we will have a reasonably accurate head count, as required by law....

Life gets even crazier

Most people who know me are aware that I am an avid Marxist.  No, not in the economic sense, but in the comedic sense.  Of the brothers, I would have love to have known both Groucho and Harpo - but for very different reasons.  Groucho was an underappreciated wit, and a man who, sad as it is, didn't seem to have a happy home life.  Harpo was the exact opposite.  He was a man who was cherished by all - including his wife and children.  No one in show business ever had a bad word to say about him.  If I had to choose between these two brothers, I'd have picked Harpo as a friend.

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Casual readers may be wondering why I start off this entry with a mention of the Marx Brothers. Well, the answer to this is that my life seems to be like a script from one of their movies - a thin plot coupled with a lot of insanity.

In my case, things with XGFJ may be coming to a head.  A while back, she threatened to expose me to my family.  But I blunted that threat.  The other day, I signed up for a meetup with "her" dinner group, and she signed up for one with mine shortly afterwards.  At the same time, a mutual friend of ours (who might be interested in dating me) signed up for the same dinner.  I told her that I'd be attending as a female, and she didn't mind.  (I'll bet she knows a little bit more about XGFJ's views than she wants to let on, as I caught her in a statement that XGFJ made to me.)  So, to have someone I could count on in my corner, Vicki decided to join me for this dinner with "my" group.

Sadly, I have to plan for the possibility of XGFJ going ballistic.  She threatened to out me earlier in the year for attending any of the groups - and refused to work with me on a reasonable accommodation for her discomfort in seeing me.  Now that I have blunted her weapon, I feel no reason to accommodate her feelings.  She left me because I was putting my female side more and more in public, thinking I was lost in a "pink fog".  This was never the case.  But without her making her real issue understood to me, she gave up on a relationship that could have worked.  Now that the relationship is defunct, everything I might have done for her while in a relationship is off the table.  And that bothers her in the extreme.

At virtually all meetups I have attended in the recent past, I have attended them all as a female.  It wouldn't make any sense to confuse people by showing up as a male and letting things slip up.  (What would happen if I referenced something that only that person and my feminine persona would know?)  However, I have also signed up for meetup groups as my male persona, as a male presence would be required there.  (Think of singles mixers, etc.) Two of those groups are known to XGFJ, as I attended them with her early on in our relationship. And my presence in any of these groups bothers XGFJ.

So what would you do in my size 13-W shoes?

PS: Our mutual friend also signed up for the theater group that XGFJ didn't want me to attend. Again, she'll be seeing me in female presentation, so I doubt she has as many problems with it as XGFJ.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Miscellaneous notes from the home front

This Tuesday, I took the day off from work and walked another 2.5 miles (1.25 each way) on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  As usual, I took some photos and captured some "MOOving" images.  This post is my way of documenting some of the little things that have occurred that I felt worth documenting....

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On a recent trip to the Walden-Walkill Rail Trail, I met two ladies cycling on the trail.  We spoke for a while about the history of the trail and why there is a break in the trail.  Then one of them mentioned that she was gay and that she was riding with her partner.  That didn't bother me, I wasn't out to pick either of them up.  But it did give me an opportunity to show them a picture of me in female mode.  At that point, any awkwardness was relieved, and I waved them off as they rode back to their starting point.

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Recently, the host and hostess of our Thursday game nights wanted to try out some online gaming platforms.  So several of us logged on one Friday evening and had a nice time.  Too bad we weren't doing this during the worst of the quarantine.

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I think I will need to set up a new OK Cupid profile.  It's not that the old ones are bad.  It's that I've clicked through everyone possible, swiping right as needed.  Instead of doing this, I should have written messages to the ladies I am interested in, using a strategy similar to that which I'd use when writing cover letters and resumes - customization.  We'll see what happens if I bother to do this.

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Thinking of dating, I finally met a woman I've been chatting with from Forest Hills.  She's a nice gal, and it might be worth the effort to date her.  So I'll try to arrange another get together soon.

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Some of my readers might know that my ex girlfriend (XGFJ) had a big problem with the idea of me attending any of her meetup groups' gatherings.  She tried to blackmail me by threatening to expose me to my family as Transgender, so that I wouldn't attend.  Recently, I attended a gathering of "her" live music group (I knew the organizer from "my" dinner group) and had a nice time.  The ex hadn't gotten livid yet.  She now wanted to "negotiate" how we'd share our groups.  To me, that opportunity ended with her blackmail attempt.  The other day, "her" dinner group opened up to newcomers.  I signed up, and saw the following in a Facebook message:

I have said this before but you ignored what I said. We need to talk about you going to my meet up groups. You have joined 17 of my meet up groups. There are plenty of other meet up groups that you can join especially going south in Westchester.

Although I never attended that group's meeting due to XGFJ's blackballing me, I accomplished what I wanted - I sent a message saying that I no longer need to care what she thinks anymore. 

I won't go into all the crap that occurred over the past few months, but I believe that even though she claimed to want a friendship after the breakup, her actions said otherwise.  Without any relationship, I feel no obligation not to attend meetings in the 4 groups where our interests intersect - Dining, Music, Theater, and Hiking.  I'm taking Vicki's advice, and signing up for any event I want to attend, not worrying about XGFJ's feelings about my attendance. There is at least one event where we are booked to be at the same place at the same time.  I wonder if she'll bug out, as she did for a gathering of the live music group.

Yet... I wouldn't mind it if we could be friends again.  But I doubt that she wants a friendship. She can not see me as a male without thinking of me as a female.  Sadly, that makes her extremely uncomfortable, and probably makes a friendship impossible. 

Conundrum

It's not surprising that the word "Conundrum" has come up today.  I first learned this word when I read Jan Morris' book of the same name. And I find it amazing that I now have a conundrum related to my transgender nature.

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There is one person in my life with whom I have patched up a "sort of" relationship.  No, it's not romance anymore.  But several things this person has said makes me wonder if she's having her doubts about things in our past. Although I have already started the process of meeting people to date (Vicki says this might be unwise), I don't want to rub this in my "friend's" face.  (I'm not sure of what to call my relationship with this person anymore, for reasons I won't yet discuss here.)  So I'm very careful what I say when the two of us chat online.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a Zoom meetup with people from the hiking group that this person has attended.  (I plan to go on some of their hikes when I'm back in shape and have the endurance for their hikes.)  Today, I attended an in-person (socially distanced) meeting of the Live Music group.  (I met this meetup's organizer at one of my dinner meetups a while back, and invited me to come....)  We discussed the two dining meetup groups, the New Paltz group and the Beacon group.  The former is cliquish, and people have bonded tightly with each other.  Quite a few people have been bothered by this group's unwillingness to accept new people in Zoom meetings during the pandemic.  But the two key organizers don't give a damn about being open to newcomers.  The Beacon group is more welcoming, and Vicki wants to join me there.  Maria will occasionally go with me as well. 

Now that in person gatherings will likely start up soon, I now have a conundrum.  With the one exception of the hiking group, no one has seen me in male mode.  People would only recognize me as a female.  If I go to the New Paltz group in either mode, I will likely piss off this "sort of" friend.  Yet, if I let her tell me what to do and what not to do, I would lose all respect for myself.  We are not in a relationship - she has no right to ask me for this "favor".  If I go as a male, I might "out" myself if any one person other than my "sort of" friend connects my male and female sides.  If I go as a female, I would likely kill off the chances of friendship with this person.

What would you do?

Working as a woman

This picture was taken shortly before the pandemic.  The lady in the picture was one of my closest friends at the office.  And now, she's in the process of moving into the smaller apartment of her two family house. Her (and her husband's) dream is to live the RV life, pulling up stakes, and travel where and when they want.  Hopefully, they will be able to do it.

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Going in to the office as a woman was hard at first, when everyone in the office knew I was transgender.  There was no way to hide this fact, as all my correspondence had my male name on it.  Over time, I was accepted as just one of the girls - if not a vary large one.

It still feels a little strange to put on make up every day before leaving for the office.  If I were to have FFS, I would have an easier job of appearing as a female without makeup.  That will only happen if I were to decide to go full time.  By then, I'll have had to have lost about of a third of my body mass before doing this.  And that kind of weight loss will be a great effort for someone who has over eaten for all of his/her life.

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I figure that it'll be much harder for me to get my next job working as a female because of the now high unemployment rate. But I may just float a few resumes out there to see whether I get any bites.  If I do, I'll go to the interview and hope for the best.

Opening up from Quarantine

This dress is something I picked up from Catherine's, thinking it would be  perfect for summer. I sent a copy of the picture above to Vicki #1, and she said it looked great.  What do you think?

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Unfortunately, I wore the dress to work the other day. So I settled on wearing another outfit to work that I bought at the same time - an aqua gauzy shirt, with a breezy patterned skirt with aqua as its dominant color.  (Sorry I didn't get a picture of it before going to work.)  And this is what I wore before dinner with Vicki in Connecticut.

As virtually everyone is aware, the recent Quarantine has gotten in the way of everyone's lives.  My former girlfriend has had to make major changes in how she runs her small business, and she no longer has the physical endurance she had before contracting the virus and having places where she could regularly pursue her favorite exercise routines.  As for me, I've tried to go for walks on the days I have free from work, and am gradually building up the endurance I'll need to go on hikes with meetup groups in the region.

Back to dinner with Vicki.... 

We had different, but compatible, reasons for "chancing" this dinner.  I figured that going out in the early stages of reopening would result in the least risk of catching the virus before the second wave hits.  She believes that we must get back to living our lives, knowing that this wave will come, and that the hospitals should not be overrun with new admissions, now that the first wave has passed.  Both are likely to be true.  And I'm also at the point where where I think we should gradually reopen the economy until the second wave hits - then deal with that wave when it comes.

Our first problem was choosing a place to eat.  We needed an inexpensive place which had outdoor seating.  This meant looking through all of the options available to us in a google search, specifically noting "outdoor dining" as a requirement.  And we settled on Southwest Cafe in Ridgefield, CT as our choice.  Our next problem was seating.  We had to be sure to get a seat when we arrived.  The place took no reservations, but noted that they never reached their capacity limits. And the third, but minor, problem was my work schedule - I  got out of work at 5:30,. This left us a short time to make it to the restaurant on time to enjoy a leisurely meal.

Of course, it would have been easy for me to have stayed late at work.  As a non-manager, I am prohibited from doing so. This made it ethically possible to rush out the door at 5:30 and head over to Vicki's.  After picking up the money I'd need for the night, I had to take Route 129 to Vicki's and pass by the Croton Dam Park area.  In one sense, I'm glad that they have closed the park - the "tourists" will be taking their walks elsewhere.  However, we still see people wanting to talk with the cops policing the entrances, getting in the way of people (like me) who have places to go.  And yet, I made it to Vicki's by 6:00 pm.

After picking up Vicki, we got to the restaurant by 6:30, and were seated by 7:00.  Everything that came to the table was disposable - the plastic cups, the plastic tableware, napkins, plates, etc. were all disposable, according to guidance from Connecticut's department of health.  Yet, this wasn't an issue.  Both my drink and my dinner's portion size made up for everything.  I was glad to help a restaurant stay open in these hard times.  And I am looking forward to the days where Westchester will be allowed to reopen as well.

I won't go into the details of what Vicki and I discussed over dinner.  A casual reader of this blog will take things the wrong way.  But I can say that we had a great time, finally achieving some normalcy that we haven't had since Mid March.  One minor drawback was that she misgendered me in public.  It seems that I'll have to watch out for this in people now that things are returning to a new normal.  It took a long time for a former friend to get used to correctly gendering me when presenting as female, and I think that Vicki made a casual mistake of someone finally being able to relax in public for a change.