Sometimes, I feel like the world is closing down on me.

 

Lately, I have been feeling down in the dumps because of a few minor things.  But I can sum it up in a simple phrase that could be worrisome if I didn't know myself: "The Thrill Has Gone."

- - - - - -

Since my then girlfriend and I broke up in 2019, I haven't found a new spark to ignite my passions.The woman I called FH in this blog and I stopped seeing each other this spring. The woman I call MWL and I have developed a non-physical relationship.  Given my experiences with the late Ex-GF-M, I don't think I can afford to open up too much to her - even though she is accepting of Marian AND does some exercise. Part of me wants to have a romantic relationship, but is no longer thrilled by the effort it takes to have one.  But being alone is also unfulfilling.

If my "large" apartment was as neat, tidy and organized as the one in the picture, I'd probably be able to invite people now and then.  Alas, it's messy enough to keep me from getting any value out of having a cleaning lady come over.  Sooner or later, I'll have to try to get my cleaning lady back, and see if she can take over where she left off before the pandemic set in.

- - - - - -

The other day, I got an email saying that an interview had been scheduled for me with the New York Court system.  However, when I needed to print a document so that I could physically sign it, my printer ran out of ink.  Wouldn't you know it - I couldn't find any of the ink cartridges I had in my apartment.  So I'll have to go out and buy new ones.  AARGH!

I talked to the hostess of my Yonkers gaming group, and told her of the Court System interview.  She advised me to go as Mario.  And this is what I already planned to do before speaking with her.  This woman is a good resource for me, as she has her finger on the pulse of what is going on in the real world.

If I were to get the job, it'll feel a little strange going to work in trousers again.  But I found that being Marian helps keep me sane; this presentation just doesn't need to be an everyday occurrence.  Too bad that some people didn't understand this....

 

 

 

From what I can tell, it looks like my ship is going to sail ...with or without me

 

I've been looking for information on cruise ships scheduled to return to service, and it looks like the ship doing this 18 day cruise is scheduled to resume service soon.  The cruise line is looking to service its Alaska, Panama Canal, Coastal California / Mexico, and Hawaii routes this fall.  

- - - - - -

Right now, the prices are still very reasonable for the cruises given everything, and I may just drop the hammer on one of them.  Alaska is out of the question for me.  But Hawaii is still a reasonable possibility.  All depends on my employment situation.  Part of me wants to get a new job, as that will provide me with spending money without draining savings.  Yet, another part of me wants to travel as Marian, and a Hawaiian cruise would give me the opportunity to do just that.

With one of the 18 day cruises, I will have a minor headache to deal with: Traveling home shortly before Christmas, during the worst of the holiday rush.  Do I really want to do this?  If I were to drop some extra coin and do another cross country train trip, I would be in-transit on Christmas day - either on a two day leg from the West Coast, or waiting in Chicago's Union Station for my connection to New York.  

Is this the way I want to spend a holiday?

What would you do if you were me?

 

 

Makeup

 

 

 

Transgender people have special makeup needs.  Unlike many people, I have found that theatrical makeup stores have many of the products we need - as long as we think creatively.  Once we have an idea of what needs to be done to our faces to make them look reasonably feminine, theatrical makeup houses such as Alcone often have the best products for our needs.

Due to a minor glitch on their website, my favorite store for makeup accidentally sold me a product from Ben Nye that was discontinued.  Since I use theatrical makeup for beard coverage and for jaw line contouring, this could have been a disaster for me.  In my response, I asked if they could recommend a similar product to Ben Nye Creme Shadow Natural contour compact, they promptly made several suggestions.  Mehron Cream color -Med Dark 4 came closest to what I needed, and I asked them to ship me a container to try out.  Hopefully, I'll be able to recommend this product to my TG readers.  I already recommend Alcone for specialty makeup, and will continue to do so in the future.

Don't be afraid to order from these businesses.  They were hurt during the worst of the pandemic, and they appreciate any and all business they get.  Almost all of them take internet orders, as many supply remote movie production, regional theaters and television stations across the country.  Although I highly recommend Alcone, I am biased - I have bought products at their NYC store when I worked in NYC.  Now, all my business is conducted through the internet - and they still meet my needs.  I expect that they can meet your needs as well.  

 

 

 

 

Originally, my plan was to post one or two entries per week.

 

Lately, I feel too exhausted to do much of anything after work.  Yet, I feel I have something to say every day of the week.  Go figure.

A critical reader made a comment that I now have something to write about other than air conditioners. Well, I have more to write about.  But I plan to keep details of many conversations private - if only because I've hurt several people in the past with my posts.

- - - - - -

Common themes that I will likely write about are: family, work, travel, health, and future full retirement.  At the age of 64,  these are common topics for people of my age.  And there are sub-topics that only transgender people will likely face.  These are the things I hope to be writing about in the future.

There are people who have made comments about what I've written about, with one person making suggestions that would please only her.  (I doubt she reads this blog anymore.)  Since this blog is mostly about things I experience, I would not be able to fulfill that person's request.  With that being said, I encounter a lot of things in my small life and I like sharing them.  I do not intend to change the theme of this blog to write about things that don't have meaning to me.  Yes, in the past, it hurt someone without me meaning to do this.  But I'll be trying to filter out details which could cause others pain or embarrassment. 

- - - - - -

With that being said, I have an interview scheduled for a potential new job.  If I get that job, I will be going as Mario and then consider socially transitioning on the job. Yet, if I were with the right person, I'd stay as Mario - and live life in both genders, but with less time spent as Marian.

Wish me luck....

 

.

 

Things may be looking up - albeit several years late.

 

Although I haven't been happy on my job, I haven't been looking hard to find a new one.  Today, something popped up from out of the blue - an interview with the NYS Office of Court Administration.

Please be advised, you have been scheduled for a Clerical Assistant
interview with the 9th Judicial District. Details are as follows:

*_Date_*

mm/dd/yy

*_Time of Interview_*

hh:mm

*_Location_*

Westchester County Courthouse

111 Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. – 9th Floor

White Plains, NY 10601

When you get to the 9th floor please advise the front desk that you are
there for the interview.

This floored me.  I had once thought I was totally forgotten by NYS-OCA, as I had taken the Civil Service Exam for this position several years ago.  However, I guess that they extended the time for this list due to the pandemic.  Who knows?  However, I received some paperwork a few weeks ago asking me if I were still interested in working for the court system - and I said yes.  The last few times I received letters like this, I was never called for an interview.  But this time, I was called.

Although I am living my life as Marian these days, I would take this job (if offered) as Mario, then socially transition (professionally) while on the job.  If asked to start this job this year, I would not be able to take any of the cruises I want to take.  However, I would likely be able to go to work and present as my authentic self, and not as Mario.  And if I enjoyed this job, I'd probably stay on the job until I am 70.

What would you do if you were in my shoes (2" heels)?  Would you retire with the resources I have?  (My 401k plus future Social Security will give me a nice income in a couple of years.)  Or, would you work to the age of 70, not being able to take the time to travel as desired.  (I like the idea of working as Marian, and wish I could have done it years ago.)  One way or another, it'll be a hard decision for me....

 

 

PS: I just checked one of the civil service tests I took.  It's 4 years, almost to the day.

Conversations with two people.

 

Recently, I had a couple of conversations that I found very interesting.  The first was with my brother, as we discussed our mutual past, current family issues, and how to protect our assets.  The other with the newest member of our co-op board, where I outed myself to her and, discussed issues related to our co-op, and pleasantries regarding her father, grandfather, and great grandfather.

As I've mentioned before, my brother and I own a house we rent out to the best of tenants.  Hopefully, they will stay our tenants for a long time, as this income is a blessing to have in uncertain times.  Given that there is some maintenance that has been needed for a couple of years, we decided to take care of it before the weather gets cold.  Once done talking about the house, we talked about our past, and I found that I didn't remember that my brother was in the car when I was taken to therapy as a child.  I told him that I wish I could have given the notes from childhood therapy to my adult therapist.  And he responded that my dad wanted to protect me from what I might see.  Unfortunately, it should have been up to me to decide what happened to this information, and I wasn't given the chance to do so.  This is the one complaint I have about my father.  Eventually, we talked about his family and what he plans to do with his assets in his will.  (I won't go into those details here.)  Suffice it to say that I'd do the same things given his circumstances.

Once I was ready to go out, I stumbled into the new co-op board member.  We discussed an important issue that the co-op must deal with, and we agreed on the scope of the issue.  Hopefully, she will help me convince the other members of the board that this is an issue that can not be put off much longer. Next, we discussed family issues, and I mentioned some things about the recent past.  Specifically, that I saw her grandfather getting around on his scooter - and that I was happy that he was still active in his business.  Given that the co-op board knows of my transgender nature, I opened up to her - and she said that I looked good as Marian.  She couldn't believe it was me in the picture.  This way, if I come into a zoom meeting a little bit late, she won't get shocked at my appearance.

On the whole, I'm happy about these conversations, as it allowed for certain things to be said that needed to be said.  There was no hinting or guessing at what the other person meant.  These were some of the most effective chats I've had in a while.  And I'm very glad that I took the time out to have these chats....

Henri!

 

No, I'm not talking about Henri Matisse.  I am talking about a tropical storm that was making its way up North to New England as I started to write this entry.  This storm put an area from New York City (and the Hudson Valley) through Eastern Long Island/Eastern Connecticut at risk for major storm damage.  So, like many of us, I battened down the hatches and waited for the storm to pass.

- - - - -

If the storm hadn't come, I'd have taken the day and traveled into NYC to do two things:

1. See "Automania" at MoMA (NYC).  (I want to get there before 10/11, as the cars will be gone from the sculpture garden after that date.)
2. Go to the Saatva NYC showroom to see a mattress designed for heavy people.  (At my weight, I want to get the best night's sleep that I can, and a "regular" mattress won't cut it anymore.)

Instead, I ended up staying inside my apartment, save to go downstairs and do some laundry.  One thing I've noticed lately is that I don't do that many loads to launder male garments anymore.  Although I'll include my male trousers and shirts in a typical load of colored laundry, my whites are virtually all male garments and sit inside the hamper for a few weeks - until  have enough for a full load.

- - - - - -

Right now, it looks like my Saturdays and Sundays are starting to get booked up.  I wonder how I'll find the time to enjoy any downtime while I'm working....

Why do I mention work?

I'm leaning towards quitting the job on my own volition, and cracking open my 401k a little.  There is enough money in the bank for me to afford a new car.  Right now, I'm looking at two different Honda models:

1. 2021 CR-V
2. 2021 HR-V

In both cases, a late model, low mileage used car from a different year would be acceptable at the right price.  Unfortunately, the pandemic has disrupted supply chains enough that it is hard to get a good car at a reasonable price.  If I had known what I know now, I'd have gone to the same place where my brother bought a late model Chevy Malibu and bought one there last year.  Unfortunately, few people have good foresight while hindsight is often with 20-20 clarity.

- - - - - -

How many of you have T-Mobile for a cell phone provider?  If you do, I suggest that you go on to their site and lookup what you should be doing in response to a recent data breach.  I'm in the middle of doing things, and I'll be requesting a credit report soon....