Meetups

 

The above picture is from last year's FTF Prom Meetup.  It's a good group to hang out with, but one from which I am drifting away.  Lately, my weekends are filled with time spent with RQS.  And that's a good thing.  Unlike my previous relationship, RQS is comfortable with me as Marian, though she prefers to see Mario.  This is not a problem for me, as we are learning where each other's limits are in this and other areas of life.

Although I will still go to Yonkers game nights, my heart isn't in the games anymore.  Instead, my heart is into being with people who accept me for who and what I am.  Other meetup groups have mostly fallen by the wayside, as I don't have the interest in spending that much time in these groups, nor do I have the need to use meetups as a way of being with people.

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Tonight, I attended a small meetup at a local craft brewery which held a few games of bingo hosted by a drag queen.  It was interesting to hear the Queen mention an old, now closed, gay bar - "It's been a long while since I've seen you at the B Lounge."  That's one person who had me pegged.  But I had a good time, even though I still have to deal with issues related to buying a new car, getting all parts of Medicare insurance set up (A, B, D, & G), and getting my laundry done before RQS comes here for the weekend.  Will I go to tomorrow's food truck meetup?  Maybe.  But I need to have everything ready to go for laundry to make that happen....

A quick note about my office

Two women I know are likely to have delivered their babies by the end of the week.  One of them is my former student voice clinician, and the other is the office gofer.  It is the second woman I want to talk about today.

The gofer is visibly pregnant (how could I have doubted it for an instant?) and is working at the office into her last week of pregnancy.  From what she says, there is no one designated to take on any of her responsibilities when she goes on leave.  We're already seeing what happens when she is not in the office, as K-Cups, paper coffee cups, paper towels, etc are not being replenished in the break room. Given the way my office works, I doubt they will do much of anything to deal with her absence until she's been gone a few days.

Before leaving, she complained about how this firm brings on new hires.  First, a person works for an employment agency (think of "Kelly Girls" and the like) for the first 3 months, and then another 3 months for the firm itself without benefits.  (This may have changed since new management took over the firm, but I digress.)  This woman's employment start date is listed as some time early this year, and her position is protected for only 6 weeks.  If she desires to come back, she will not be too happy leaving her baby in care of someone else.  If she desires to leave, we will have a 6 week gap until we can find a new worker to replace her.

No matter what, I have a feeling that this may be a factor in when I choose to retire....

Sleep Problems

 

 

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle for no good reason.  So, I feel tired when I go in to work, and my productivity is down until lunch time.  It doesn't help that I am naturally awake late in the evening, and the effects of sleep deprivation have set in.

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When I was dating XGFJ, I always had problems with her nestling in my arm in bed.  It is not a romantic problem - it's an issue with RQS as well, but she accepts that I will need to shift my body now and then to keep comfortable.  The difference is simple - we communicate better now.  My previous relationship failed because of poor communication, and I wish it had ended earlier, so that we could have stayed close friends. 

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Going away for a short trip has its own problems.  In my case, if I don't bring my CPAP machine with me, I will fall back to having my sleep apnea cause me problems. When I was with XGFJ, she noted that the machine trained my subconscious to keep my airways unobstructed.  RQS notices that I sleep better with the machine, and has no problem with my use of the machine.  

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Even when all things are going right, there's a part of me that's restless.  If no one is with me, this is not an issue.  But, if someone is staying over, I can't just get up and put my thoughts into this blog.  Yet, I have less and less to say on a regular basis, and I am thinking of giving this blog a break for a while.  (I'll bet that FCP will be happy with that, as it was my previous blog that caused our rift (and, according to FCP, signaled the end of our relationship to XGFJ.))

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Luckily, I can get my sleep on weekends.  It's not enough.  But it will have to do until I retire.

A thought on an angry ex friend

One reaps what one sows.  This is so true in many ways.  I lost a friend by revealing too much about her inner thoughts, and I will not be forgiven.  But now, I have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....

FCP contacted me today, commenting on events that happened in the past.  In her anger, she supplied clarification about a conversation we had, communications between her and my ex-girlfriend, and her thoughts on my ex's feelings.  I don't believe that I said anything recently about FCP that she should have taken offense to, but one never knows what goes on in a person who feels she has been betrayed, and what she will do to feel she has gotten her payback.

Part of today's communication had pictures of FCP's family, FCP commenting that these are people I'd never see again.  Well, I know she's sending these pictures out of anger, trying to rub in what I lost.  But I discounted the possibility of seeing her son, daughter in law, and now their baby long ago, as FCP doesn't have it in herself to let her anger go and consider forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the forgiver much more than the person being forgiven, as it releases any control that the repressed anger has on you.  Some of what FCP said hints at a former over dependence on daily conversations with me. And yes, I had a dependence on these communications as well.  I grew from our friendship ending, and I hope she has done so as well.

Now, I did not tell the ex-girlfriend that I had my earlier conversation with FCP.  FCP had said that she's get in trouble if I said anything, so I kept my mouth shut.  But... FCP opened her mouth to the ex, as I'd bet that she needed to know if I said anything about the conversation.  It's not worth stirring things up with the ex, and FCP has been a lost cause for the past 2 1/2 years.

What I find curious is that FCP found my blog interesting and discussed it often with the ex.  I guess that FCP still found me interesting enough to follow, even though I had little to say about her anymore.   I also find it interesting that FCP has soured on communicating with the ex, as without me being a topic, the ex has nothing to talk about that FCP finds interesting.  

FCP claims that she has blocked me.  Who knows?  She is an angry woman who gets upset when she doesn't get the results she wants.  For me, she is finally out of my life, and leaving my mind quickly. I only wonder if she has/or will go back to some of the habits she used to have when I once knew her. I hope not - she has done a few things in the past 2 1/2 years which I feel she should be proud of.

 

 

PS: The ex-girlfriend sent me an interesting message shortly after I received the communication from FCP.  I will not go into the content, save to mention that FCP had no right to put words into the ex-girlfriend's mouth.

A quick thought on gender presentation

 

The more I go out as Marian, the more I want to wear clothes that identify me as female.  The above dress is something I saw on Target's site that I like.  However, I will likely not buy this dress, as my closet is already overflowing.

Unlike many women, I enjoy wearing dresses all year round.  Yes, I know that cisgender women do not like wearing dresses in the winter, so I switch to shirts/blouses/sweaters and trousers for the cold weather. As I've said before, my goal is to blend in with women as a woman as best as possible.  So far, I do so more often than not, as evidenced by a recent incident where a woman changed her top in front of me.  If she thought I was a guy in a dress, she'd have waited until the bathroom was free to do so.

Over time, I am hoping that I am able to perfect my female presentation, so that most cisgender women would never think that I was anything but a cisgender woman.  However, I want to retain my ability to present as a male when I need to - such as in affairs of romance.  Ideally, I'd have an androgynous body, and be able to switch between modes as I see fit.  Until then, I'll do what I can to perfect who I am in Marian Mode....

Thinking about my weekend....

I don't miss scenes like that above.  Part of me feels sorry for the person in the picture, and part of me feels revulsion at the same time.  And this is what I've encountered lately when I've taken the subway - at least one derelict has made each of my excursions underground less pleasant since I've met RQS.  So, I don't mind driving her home at the end of each weekend, as I want for her day to start off in a pleasant way.

But enough of the subway for now....

RQS came up this past weekend and we went car shopping.  Specifically, we drove to Goshen to talk with a salesman at a dealership which had a couple of cars I was interested in.  This drive had its share of problems, as we encountered a traffic jam at a traffic circle in Bear Mountain state park.  So we decided to bail, and take the long scenic way to Route 17 instead of risking a problem on the other side of the mountain.  This was a fortuitous decision, as we got to see a side of the park I've never seen before.  When we reached the road that I expected to use to reach Route 17, it was closed.  So, we continued on the road towards Sloatsburg and reached Route 17 just short of the Red Apple Rest. 

Before I go on, I want to mention something about the Red Apple Rest.  In its heyday, it was an important "pit stop" along the "old" route to the Catskills.  However, with more people taking the Thruway, this establishment was left for locals to patronize.  Sadly, there was not enough business for this place to survive, and the ruins of this place stand along the road where a once thriving business once stood.

Once we passed the Red Apple Rest, it was off to the dealership.  And then, the "fun" began.  I was interested in both the Hyundai Kona and the Elantra, and was willing to take either model at the price the internet sales person said they'd accept.  However, the Kona I wanted was gone, and all that was coming in was a more expensive trim package that I didn't want to pay for.  So I mentioned the Elantra. The sales person mentioned that it was a different type of car, and I understood that. He presented me with a couple of offers, and the last one was acceptable.  But I needed a little time to think on it, as the car's color was not what I wanted.  I said that I'd get back to him by Monday, and I hope that we can work things out - as the cash price is not an issue anymore.

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On the way home, we decided to finish off some leftovers from the day before.  As we passed through Ossining, I spotted the Lobster Truck on its way back home.  Luckily, Shoprite is having a lobster sale next week, and we'll be feasting on crustaceans when she's here next.

Happy Independence Day!

 

The above is a shot from an Independence Day celebration at West Point, NY.  The shot does not do the display justice.  But then, I'm not in the mood to spend my time for an entry today, when I can be enjoying the rest of my weekend.

so....

Happy July 4th!