I hate getting old, but it's better than the alternative

 

As I write this, it's a little more than two weeks before Halloween.  And this is the one day that it always makes sense for me to present as a male.  AARGH!!!  But it makes a lot of sense, given that there are a lot of cross-dressers out there who only go outside when being "in costume" - and what TG person wants to be mis-gendered by people thinking you are wearing a costume?

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While I've gotten older, I've lived through a lot of "been there, done that" experiences that often repeat themselves.  Doctors' visits, Dental visits, License Renewals, etc. have all become repeating experiences.  Days seem to blend into each other, as many of the things I do tend not to be novel.  And that's why I force myself to get out and travel, trying to get in at least one bucket list trip each year. Yet, I'm always a little bit ambivalent about trying new things and going to new places.  Go figure.

Yesterday, I chatted with MSJ about grief and loss.  Today, I had a similar conversation with my brother in regard to the loss of intimacy.  He still doesn't seem to understand a lot of things, as his situation cannot come to closure until his wife has passed away.  He cannot grieve.  Yet, he suffers because he no longer can be intimate with anyone (and no, I'm not talking about sex, though that's part of the equation.)  He has friends, but friendships can only go so far.

It is normal as people get old to lose friends and lovers.  I've already lost a wife.  Two of my ex-lovers have already passed away.  Some of my friends have vanished from the scene, and I expect that at least one of these friends died last year.  Other friends have faded away, as we grew apart over the years.  This is normal for people who have reached senior citizenship.  And eventually, I will be gone from the scene.  It's the part of life we grow to accept, but never like.

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Strangely enough, I feel freer and happier than when I was young.  I always wished I could be the woman in a ball gown dancing in one of those old time movies.  But the gender I was assigned at birth wouldn't allow that.  It was not acceptable for me to wear a dress.  Now, I can present as the female I would have preferred to be born as, and wear the clothing which was denied to me in my youth.  Unlike the belief held by one woman I dated, it is not the idea of having sex that is important.  It is the other parts of being a woman that are important, having a wider range of intimate and supportive relationships - something males are not allowed to have in our culture.  Although I can live with the "plumbing" I've had from birth, I could be just as happy (if not more so), if I had the "plumbing" appropriate for a female.

MSJ said that I've had the best of both worlds.  She doesn't understand that being a male or a female includes a wide range of experiences, with a reasonable subset of them to be fully experienced to be truly male or female.  As a transgender person, I cannot experience many of the inconveniences of being female, and can only have an intellectual appreciation of a subset of cisgender female experiences that a transgender female can't have.  

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Well, I could go on and on.  But I need to cook dinner....     

Lunch with MSJ, and a useless drive to New Jersey

 

The above was not today's lunch.  Something like this would mean eating indoors.  And on the last warm day of the season, MSJ and I decided to eat under the gazebo in a nearby park.

But first....

I woke up around 9 am, and proceeded to plant myself in front of my computer taking care of completing a blog entry, then starting on the meeting minutes for the co-op board meeting.  By noon, I had to shift gears, so that I could meet MSJ by 1 pm.  So, I rushed to the shower, quickly applied my makeup, then put on one of the last summer dresses I had in my closet before rushing to the deli for a sandwich.  Only then could I go to meet MSJ, albeit several minutes later than planned.

Even though I did my fair share of talking, MSJ's needs dominated the conversation.  She soon will travel upstate to pick her son up from college.  But this means leaving her disabled husband alone with her other son.  What bothers her is that the demands of her life do not allow her to recharge her emotional batteries.  I said that if we lived in a different universe (if I were a cisgender female or post-op transgender female, and we both were unattached), I'd be taking her somewhere on a "Girls Trip".  I then noted that she has the worst of many worlds.  If her husband died, she'd have had a period of grief, and then found ways to move forward with life.  But, she has to keep taking care of him as well as taking care of her sons, not being able to nurture herself.

Once we were done with lunch, I decided to drive to Lane Bryant in Paramus.  One problem - they had closed this store.  Since there was no way I was going to drive to Clifton, I decided to take the long road back home via Bear Mountain.  (Too bad that RQS was not with me - the leaves are just starting to change.)  It was a nice drive home, and I was in for the night.  

Ending a long weekend and starting a short week (A short post)

 

It's Tuesday, and RQS finally had to go home.  She had her usual Tuesday routine to take care of, and I had lunch with DS on the schedule.  It could be a busy day or a relaxed day, all depending on what I planned to do with it.

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RQS and I got up early for us, and I dropped her off at the station at 10:30. But I had time to kill, as DS and I weren't scheduled to eat until 12:30.  So, I drove to Walmart to replace a pair of broken sunglasses. This killed enough time.  Once I got to Yonkers, I would not wait long.  So  off to Yonkers I drove.

I had never stopped in this area of Yonkers before - it was a safe area, but a confusing trip on local streets once off the parkway.  Several minutes after I arrived, DS arrived, and we placed our orders.  Since I've been having way too much Chicken lately, I ordered a Cheeseburger - and it was yummy,  We were there for 2 1/2 hours, and then it was time to leave.  

My next stop was at Lidl, a quick run to pick up some more vanilla nougats.  And then it was home for the night.  My legs were hurting, so I couldn't do laundry.  Even if I wanted to do so, I couldn't, as they were refinishing the laundry room floors.  So I was finally in for the night.

A Paperwork Status Update and Other Thoughts

 

In the past, I have mentioned that I have applied for entered in another nation's Foreign Birth Registry.  Today, I checked on the status of my paperwork, and found out that things are in progress, and I should expect an update towards the end of March.  Once I'm officially registered, I will say more about this country, and more about my feelings about doing this, as there is a part of me that feels as if I could have conflicting loyalties.

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Unlike many TGs, I am very lucky that I can still go stealth in my gender assigned at birth.  In today's America, this is an asset, as we have a federal government hostile to transgender people.  I don't travel as a female when I have to show my paperwork (passport, etc.) to a federal government employee.  Instead, I present as my assigned gender.  Hopefully, a Democratic Party wave will sweep the upcoming elections and force the MAGAloons out of power.  Then, we may just have sanity return in how transgender people are treated in America.

RQS and I have an Iceland Cruise scheduled for next year.  But we're very concerned about the price of the flights going even higher than they are now.  Jet fuel prices, like other fuel prices, have gone up 50% (or more) since our president started this illegal war against Iran.  Note that I am not a fan of Iran's cruel regime, and would love to see it fall.  The regime has a legitimate reason to be upset at the USA, as we overthrew Iran's elected leadership in the 1950's.  And Iran's actions are responsible (as a legitimate military response to America's actions) for the spike in oil prices. After our election day, I feel that things may change with oil prices, as our president will have much less power to screw things up.  Only time will tell.

My brother has told me that my nephew intends to propose to his girlfriend soon.  Assuming that my brother is right, it will be a small wedding.  Hopefully, it will allow us to facilitate taking another Alaska cruise, this time from Seattle, before or after the wedding.  Although Seattle is a city I want to visit, I've given it a low priority.  This wedding will temporarily give Seattle a higher priority on the "Cities to Visit" list.

We were looking at cruise videos and found a few CHEAP bucket list trips we could take.  One problem: RQS can't afford to take any of them.  Without a viable business to take these cruises, I will not book any of them.  But damn, I wish I could do so without hurting my relationship with her.  She is way too good a partner to have to risk the relationship for one trip.

As you can guess, both of us are itching to travel again.  We simply just don't know where and for how long.

 

Another Jammie Day (a short post)

 

RQS and I fell asleep shortly after SNL ended, and woke up at 9:30 this morning.  With the continuous rain outside, there was no way we'd be going out today.

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We ended up watching YouTube videos for much of the day.  Did we bother getting dressed and doing laundry?  No.  Did we do anything to clean up the apartment?  No.  We needed a day of relaxation, and we had one.

My brother called towards the afternoon, and we chatted for a while before he had to run off.  Now that I have my new passport, RQS started salivating at the idea of using her credit card points to buy tickets for another cruise.  I had to explain that chasing credit card points is a foolish thing, as the hidden cost of those points (in higher prices) is a foolish game. (Don't get me on the subject of excessive American credit card interchange fees and point accumulation - Europeans don't have this nonsense, and they are better off for it.)  When she realized that she couldn't buy a cruise, she looked into buying a restaurant gift card.  What I haven't noted is that I'm looking at paying for a cruise for the two of us, using a combination of my points (I rarely ever redeem them) and cash.  I have no problems paying with cash, if there is a cash discount, and with plastic if there is no discount.

By the time we were ready for dinner, we were hungry.  Luckily, we had enough food in the house to have a tasty meal without having to go to the supermarket.  But this made us decide to do some apartment cleanup and some laundry tomorrow.

Introducing RQS to another friend

 

I've known DPV since the early days of the post-Covid reopening of society.  We dated once, realized that we'd make better friends than lovers - and stayed friends.  I have driven her to a hotel prior to her going into a hospital for an operation.  (I won't say much about this, save that she has recovered acceptably well.)  And I wanted to make sure that DPV knew that RQS and I are an item, and that RQS knew about our friendship.  So, we finally scheduled a dinner at DPV's place for RQS and DPV to get to know each other.

DPV knows that I am TG, so wearing a dress (with tights to keep my legs warm) wouldn't be an issue.  So, the one question I had to ask was: What should we bring up for dinner?  DPV said we could bring up whatever wine we wanted, but I'm glad we didn't do so for reasons we found out later.  In the end, we decided on bringing up a cheesecake - a perfect choice.  Google Maps gave us a route that got us to DPV's place in under 90 minutes.  But it was through roads we'd never take again at night - there were way too many curves and blind spots to risk driving home on those rural roads.  As a result, we were near her house 30 minutes early, and stopped at a Mickey D's for a snack and to kill time.  

This dinner almost didn't come off.  DPV's house had no heat because there was no oil in the tank.  Why she didn't get her delivery a month ago, no one knows.  But she needed an emergency delivery today, and it hadn't come by the time we were there.  So, we had to dress warmly and deal with the chill inside the house.  When we arrived, DPV wanted us to hear this Kazakh singer which captivated DPV, but had no effect on us.  It took a while for dinner to be ready, so we were very glad that we had our snack before arriving. 

When dinner was served, DPV told us a little about her life story.  We found out that DPV had been in recovery for a long time (albeit with a rare lapse or two).  We talked about how a GLP-1 drug helped her lose weight, although she has another 100-150 pounds to go.  (This was my reason for not having a romance with her.  Me being a TG was hers.)  And, we eventually talked about cruising, specifically the cruise she is taking next year.  So, I made sure to give her the link to my cruise web page.  

All too soon, it was time to leave.  We wanted to get home in time for SNL's cold open.  And we were home with 15 minutes to spare.  It was a long day, but a good one. 

If you knew Sushi like I know Sushi....

 

I've been working on a gradual cleanup of the mess in my place.  For every 2 steps forward, I end up taking one step backward.  So, I had made a little bit of a mess in cleaning up a mess.

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This morning, I awakened at 9:00, my first memory being that I couldn't get MS-Now on my TV.  It seems like I had to go through the monthly ritual of renewing my access based on my cable TV subscription.  Realizing what I had to do, I woke up and started the day's routines.  

One of the things I needed to do is straighten up some of the mess in one corner of my bedroom, finding a place for the things I wanted to keep, and tossing out the stuff I didn't find worth keeping.  But this took some time.  And, by the time I was most of the way through the task, I had to take my shower and get ready to pick RQS up at the station.

RQS got an earlier train than originally planned, and I barely made it to the station on time.  I suggested that we go to the Sushi joint in Yonkers/Scarsdale, and she said yes.  So, it was off to the Sushi place, where we feasted on nutritious dishes of little raw fishes.  And then, it was back to my place for the evening.

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When I didn't mention was that this was the first time I wore my corduroy dress with a white, long-sleeved T-Shirt as a base layer.  It was too warm for the time I picked RQS up, but perfect for when we left for home.  I must have looked like a teacher on a date, not having changed into a "date night" dress before going out.  But I was comfortable, and found that this will be one of my winter staples when the weather cools off.

PS: My renewed passport arrived today!  Now, I can plan my future cruises.