A long drive to see someone who has a short time left to him.

 

What else can I start the day with but a mention of a long drive?  My cousin has terminal cancer, and I wanted to see him in the hospice while he's still alert and able to appreciate the visit.  (I wish I could have done this for my uncle in California, but he died before I had the chance to do so.  This is why I'm spending a day on the road, which I'd rather spend packing for my upcoming trip.)

- - - - - -

This would be a day I had to spend as Mario.  So I took my ID and money out of my female wallet and transferred it to my male wallet.  When one lives in two genders, one has to always be aware of the gender in which one is presenting and who one is meeting during the day.  It can be a major scheduling effort some days, but one well worth the effort when one is forced to live this way, female to close friends, family and many acquaintances, while male to others.  Otherwise, one can easily be outed when one is not ready to do so.

Around noon, I set out for New Jersey.  Although I hit some traffic, I was able to reach my cousin's nursing home/hospice around 2:00 pm.  (The minute one sees the land the church owns here, one can make a justification to eliminate the income tax exemption given to religious entities.  But I digress....) I drove into the complex, and about 1/4 mile into it was the nursing home/hospice which my cousin was admitted into yesterday.  They had no official receptionist by the door, so I had to rap a few times before I was let in.  And then the nurse showed me the way to where my cousin was sitting.

When I first saw my cousin, he looked like he was at death's door, and it got slammed on him a few times.  His arms were black and blue (likely from the times they had to put a needle in his veins, or from the blood thinners he likely takes - I should ask my niece about this one day) and he could barely talk.  We made conversation for a few minutes before my other cousin arrived.  I talked a little bit more, but saw that my cousin was very tired - and it was time for us to depart.

On my way home, I called Vicki to find out that I had double booked events for tomorrow.  To make room to bring Vicki to the hospital and back for a day surgery, I had to postpone lunch with my friend from the census.  From having a lunch and dinner get together with separate friends, I was now taking care of Vicki - something I was more in the mood for anyway.

When I arrived home, it was time to fold laundry.  I have underwear and socks to last me for the cruise.  Now, all I have to do is fill up my suitcases....

It'll be nice to get back into a dress tomorrow.

Was she dead or alive? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

 

I hadn't seen Pat in months, and I haven't been able to reach her by voice or text.  Given that she's 84 years old, I figured that I should take a drive to her care home to see what was going on....

- - - - - -

Today's weather report predicted a strong chance of rain for the evening - but I decided to brave the weather anyway.  So, around 6:30 pm, I decided to get dressed and drive across the river to Pat's care home.  As I crossed the river, the clouds looked ominous, and I knew that heavy rains were going to come.

I arrived at Pat's place around 7:15, and the receptionist said "long time, no see". Then she told me how to use the new system to record visitors to the building.  My face was scanned, and then I proceeded upstairs to see Pat.  Strangely enough, we got into a serious conversation where we didn't disagree much. Then we talked about me being transgender and how she didn't understand why a man would want to be a woman.  I noted that I didn't have severe gender dysphoria, but that I would rather have been born female - with all the problems that women have to deal with throughout their lives.   The conversation then shifted to sex, but not in a graphic way.  Specifically, I wondered why human males evolved to have 25%-33% more average body mass than human females, and how this is reflected in the first position we think of when a man and woman have sex.  I contrasted this with Bonobo ape sexual behavior, wondering if there is any beneficial evolutionary advantage in how humans have sex.

Of course, I can't do our conversation justice.  It was one of those "you had to be there" moments that will be forever lost in time.  But I did look at Pat's phone to see why she says she is having trouble with the phone.  And I found that she didn't have the phone's ringer set loud enough to be heard.  Once I set the ringer to a loud enough volume, I tested it and it worked properly.  Now, Pat should be able to hear the phone ring - until she screws up the volume again....

I now wish I hadn't booked an upcoming cruise

 

Before anyone gets any wrong ideas, I am still looking forward to my cruise.  But the conditions which made me select this cruise at this time have changed, and I would have preferred to be taking a different cruise with RQS later in the year.

But first....

My uncle passed away last night.  After 91 years on this planet, it was time for his soul to depart his body and travel into the unknown - whatever that might be.  He lived a long and successful life, having won more than one industry awards in a highly competitive and visible industry.  (Let's just say that you might have seen him win one of his awards 50 years ago, or so.)  He was always there for his family when he was needed, and I'll always be grateful for the assistance he offered when my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Last year, I chose to take a California Coastal Cruise, as a fallback if my uncle wasn't up to being visited.  Sadly, he had severely damaged his hip the autumn before, and it never healed enough to allow him to walk again.  (He fell trying to take care of a wife who was suffering with dementia, when his wife should have already been placed into a care home.)  When we visited Los Angeles last June, he had just been told that he'd never walk again.  With everything going on in his life at that time, I made it a point to try and visit him again while he was still above ground.  Today, I got the news that I was about a week or two too late.

Right now, the person in charge of my uncle's affairs has not made any arrangements for my uncle's memorial service/gathering.  I likely will not be able to attend this service if held before mid May, as my prior commitments preclude making any trips.  And, even if I could attend, I will not know any of the people who would be attending this service/gathering, as they are all industry insiders.

At least, there is one good thing to come out of all of this.  I will not need to bring along any male garments for my upcoming trip. (I'm sure that my uncle would have found a way to write a humorous story about this if he wasn't the person in the casket....)

It was a long weekend, and yet it seemed so short.

 

RQS came up here on Friday and left on Monday morning. The longer we spend time together, the harder it becomes for us to leave each other at the end of the weekend.  Soon, RQS and I will be packing for a cruise to Bermuda.  It'll be our first time there, and it'll be a chance to spend time together, away from our normal activities.  

It seems like the remainder of this year will be a busy one for us.  After our cruise, RQS will be going to see her sister, while I'll be cruising to the Bahamas.  We don't know how we'll be spending Christmas and New Year's Eve.  But I expect that we'll keep being busy well into the new year.  For example, I'm looking for an excuse to take a trip to the West Coast, so that I can visit my uncle in his nursing home.  When I was there earlier in the year, he wasn't up to seeing visitors.  This time, I am looking at taking a short 3-4 day cruise out of LA, seeing my uncle either on the day before or after the cruise.

I'm not too keen on visiting Los Angeles.  It's not the easiest city to get around without a car, and I am taking a risk that my uncle may not want to see me if I decide to visit.  Yet, he's in his 90's and doesn't have many years left to live.  So, I'm hoping I can visit and see him for one last time soon....

Sad News, with more to come (eventually)

 

Today's post will be a short one.  But it involves sadness caused by a situation that I have no control over, and frustration because I have limited access to information.

As I have mentioned before, both my aunt and uncle are in nursing homes for the ailments of old age.  When RQS and I were in Los Angeles earlier this year, we were not able to see my uncle, as he was just told that he'd never be leaving the nursing home due to his frailness.  Today, I finally heard from my uncle, and he is in a bad way.

Last year, my uncle fell and broke his hips.  From what I can understand, he is not a candidate for hip replacement surgery.  All they could do is patch him up.  He has been in the nursing home since then.  When I spoke to him in December, he still had the voice of a man who would resume his life as soon as he was certified able to do so.  Of course, this time never came.  In June, I talked with him for 5 minutes, and he still had a tolerably strong voice.  But it was one weakened by circumstance.  Tonight, he could barely hear me on the phone, and his voice sounded like someone with no interest left in living.

He is depressed, in part, because he has no children, and because his nearest relatives live a continent away.  Neither my brother nor I can hop in a car to see him.  If we were to visit, he'd have to hop on a plane, spend at least one night in LA, and then fly home after the visit.  This is why I scheduled a California Coastal Cruise for this past June.  If he was unable to see us, we'd still have a great time on the left coast.

After our too short phone call, I called my brother to report on things.  My brother gave me another tidbit of information which I did not have.  And I asked him to relay my concerns to my uncle's agent, as I do not have the agent's name, nor do I want to be the point of contact for information regarding my uncle's affairs.  (Also, I feel that my brother knows more than he lets on, and doesn't trust me with anything.  But that's another story for another day.)  Hopefully, I'll get more information soon.  But I know that in the long term, it will only be bad news.  And I feel sad about things that eventually must come.

California Vacation 2023 - Los Angeles

The Birth of a Nation.  It was one of the landmark films of American Cinema.  But its racism gets me sick when I think about how the KKK is portrayed in this film.  Yet, this film is referenced in the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures as part of its exhibit of how African Americans have been portrayed in American cinema.

But first....

Last year, I contacted MWL (a woman I once dated) to find out which shore excursions I should take when in Hawaii.  Recently, she contacted me to find out whether I knew of some good places to eat in Los Angeles in her upcoming visit. And after her return, I found out that she used the mass transit system (mostly buses) to get around town.  So that gave me the idea that we might be able to use LA's mass transit system to get around town, and avoid having to use Ubers or local cabs.  I didn't know how bad a decision that would be, given our the experience we were to have in this city.  

- - - - - -

RQS and I made a decision to see both the Academy Museum and the Petersen Automotive Museum before trying to visit my uncle in the nursing home.  We asked people at the hotel how we could get to an active Metro station, and no one had a clue.  LA is a car culture, and almost no one uses mass transit.  This was evidenced by the directions we got to a metro station "only" 4 long blocks away.  After walking there in the heat, we found that the station was was under construction and wouldn't be open until next year.  So, we ended up deciding to take an Uber to the museums.

This was my first time using the Uber app, and it took me a bit of time to get things working.  Luckily, we had help from an Uber driver who was waiting for an airport call.  After I got things set up and clicked on the "Ride Request" button, someone else agreed to the fare before our Uber driver even got the message.  AARGH!  We wanted to give him the business.  But we got a driver with whom we had a nice chat, and he helped us fix an error in the destination address while on the way to the museums.

Once at the Academy Museum, we gravitated to the exhibit of Blacks in Cinema, and I found it very interesting.  Although I identify as White, I knew of some of the racism Blacks faced in American cinema.  But I didn't know how diverse the black cinema experience was.  I found it interesting that movies targeted to the African American audience had as many themes as those targeted to a White audience, and often noted that the films had an all Black cast.

 
Both RQS and I noted that this museum gave a superficial view of what goes into making a movie.  New York's Museum of the Moving Image and New York's Paley Center gives the visitor a better idea of what goes into making a motion picture (Movies and TV Shows).  But I digress....

 
When we were done with the Academy Museum, it was across the street we went to the Petersen Automotive Museum.  And it was here that the full history of automobiles was on display, using individual automobiles (and motorcycles) to show the art of personal transportation by motorized vehicle.  We spent a couple of hours here, and wished we had more time, so that we could visit "The Vault."  But that's something for another visit.

Next, it was off to my uncle's nursing home.  On the way there (via Uber), my uncle returned my call and said that he wasn't up to having visitors.  Of course, this is understandable, as he was just told that he will never be able to return to his home due to injuries sustained in caring for my aunt.  So we walked around Beverly Hills a little bit, and then went for dinner at a reasonably proced Indian Restaurant.

After dinner, it was back to the hotel to get ready for our first day on the cruise ship....
 

Seeing Pat with RQS

 

The weekend came and so did RQS.  We decided to have a quiet weekend together on Friday and Saturday, both days in Marian mode before seeing her cousin and his wife as Mario.  And it was more interesting to me than I would have expected...

- - - - - -

On Friday, I thought I'd reach out to Pat and see if she'd like a couple of visitors this weekend. So we went to Pat's place to visit.  On the way there, we picked up an inexpensive folding chair as a gift, as Pat didn't have enough seating in her place. Once there, Pat and I got into an animated conversation, both of us looking at the world in very different ways.  Let's say that I come to her position from a position of historical advantage, and she came to her position from historical disadvantage - and were still able to be friends after a heated discussion.  If I had her experiences, I might have felt as she does.  But I had my experiences, and see the world from a more optimistic, but pragmatic viewpoint.  (No, I don't want to say much about the conversation, save that I have never been a nurturing person and she has been all of her adult life.)

When we left RQS's place, I found out that my cell phone had dropped out of my handbag and had to return to Pat's place.  Arriving at her place, I met her at the elevator and saw all the people being herded in for dinner.  This cemented what we feel about the "assisted living residence".  It is sucking excess people out of nursing homes, and placing them into a sterile environment where their souls are sucked dry.  Other than the receptionist at the front desk, we could see no one else working at the building.  Meal time is not something that people look forward to there, as the food is bland, institutional, and not nourishing - it meets the barest requirements for food to be fed to the home's residents.  There are no social activities in the place for people to attend, and the residence is totally isolated from the world at large.  Pat feels like a prisoner in the place, and doesn't see any hope for freedom.

Sadly, we're seeing the tip of the iceberg when it comes to warehousing the impoverished aged.  I hope that I won't be spending my final days in a place as sterile and depressing as her place is.

Stone walls don't a prison make, nor iron bars a cage

As we age, we begin to see many of our friends enter assistive care facilities.  Sometimes, as in the case of XGFJ's mother, little assistance is needed to live a rewarding life.  In the case of my father, much more assistance was needed because my dad was no longer self ambulatory.  Like my father, some people prosper when in the right assistive care facility, as they can resume the socialization denied them by their former isolation.  But in the wrong facility, a social person can feel imprisoned.

When I visited Pat, I noticed how sterile and empty her new place seemed.  Save for the receptionist at the front desk, the place was devoid of people.  There was a small area to the right of the reception desk where kids could play, but I wondered - how many people are bringing very young kids to see their elders in nursing homes these days?  I rarely saw them when I visited my dad, and thought that this room was there more for show than anything else.

RQS and I walked to the elevator and got off on the 3rd floor. I was surprised at how quiet this place was.  Looking to my left, I saw another reception desk in front of us, this one being empty.  In another nursing home, or a hospital, it would be staffed by nurses in charge of patient care.  In this place, it looked like it was set up for a different kind of care facility, but left unused as it wasn't apparently needed to service the patients currently housed in this building. So, we walked down the aisle to Pat's room, knocked on the door, and were greeted warmly.

Pat and her daughter visited several care facilities before choosing this one.  It must have been heart wrenching for her to dispose of many of the things she accumulated over the years.  There was almost nothing from her old life present in the room.  The room was almost as sterile as the hall outside. And this said that this room was not "Home" for Pat.  It was simply a place to stay.

Unlike my dad's nursing home, Pat's place didn't seem to have the on-site services that my dad's place had.  For a place doing some of its business as a memory care center, I found it amazing how few safeguards were there to keep memory care patients from wandering off site.  People like Pat were tasked to find their own transportation to off-site doctors - and possibly get dropped off at the wrong sites with no one to help them get where they need to go.  Yet, they are prohibited from leaving the facility's grounds - even for a healthy walk.  Go figure.

The economics of nursing homes in the United States appalls me.  Like our prisons, many are places which have evolved to warehouse people who have no economic value to the larger society.  (I will not go into prison economics here, save that the "for profit" sector has very little incentive to treat inmates with the full respect that most humans deserve - something it has in common with nursing homes.)  As America ages, "for profit" nursing homes have sprung up, many with the goal of raking in as many Medicare dollars as is possible.  Service quality is not a major factor.  If it was, I'd see more evidence of "enrichment activities" than I did in Pat's facility.

Pat noted several things I won't mention here.  Let's say that one has to take what she said with a grain of salt - even if what she said rang true in my ears.  Without people to socialize with, Pat is now a lonely person with few ways of dealing with her feelings. In short, this place is a prison for her, a cage without bars.

 

We get old and don't see it happening

The other day, I reached out to my friend Pat, the former hypnotist, to see how she is doing.  And I found that she had moved out of her apartment in Lower Westchester county, and moved to an assisted care facility on the other side of the Hudson.  This news didn't surprise me too much, as Pat is 80 years old and was having trouble taking care of herself.  But what did surprise me was that she was having memory issues that made this home a better place for her to spend her final days.

I've known Pat for over 2 decades, and we have had many an interesting conversation in those years. So RQS and I decided to go across the river and meet Pat in her new digs.  Would they be nice?  Or, would they be a hell hole?  Would this be a place in which one could be happy in one's later years?  Who knows?  But this would all come out when we saw Pat.

Years ago, I dated a woman named Eileen who lived in the area where Pat's nursing home now is.  I'm now very familiar with the area, and suggested to RQS that we'd eat at a place 5 minutes away from the home.  This would allow us to get to Pat's place at 7 pm, and be able to take advantage of an excuse to leave - we were going to see a movie nearby, and needed to be there by 7:45.  I had chosen a Mexican place I had eaten at with MWL, but it had failed in the year since I went there last.  So, it was off to El Bandido for some Mexican grub.  The Bandit is an old standby, and it has been around since I dated Eileen many years ago. I knew the food would be good, and RQS agreed with me after we finished our Enchiladas.

Once done with our food, it was off to Pat's place.  The place looked both sterile and empty, and the only person other than Pat that we saw was the receptionist at the front door.  Once we knew where Pat's room was, it was off to her wing to see her.  It took a while for Pat to answer the door - there is only one person there with whom that she feels comfortable socializing.  And then, it was like "homecoming day."

All too soon, it was time to leave.  But RQS and I knew that we had a new thing to do - keep tabs on Pat for her daughter.  No one else will do it, so guess who had to step forward....