The doctor wants to run another test on me - a short post

 

I went to the doctor today, and he saw signs that made him want to have a liver scan done on me.  I've put this off for a long while, and don't relish going in for a simple scan.  Why, you might ask?  Maybe, I'm hiding from reality.  And maybe, I simply don't care.  This is why I wish I had a good therapist I could trust with both my eating issues and my gender issues.

Years ago, I broke up with Patty, then Ex-GF-M because of eating issues.  Both were good people, but they were triggering my food addiction.  Since then, I've never been able to restore the drive I once had to lose weight and live a more healthy lifestyle.  I've simply become complacent.  And I'm paying the price for being complacent.

Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call in the nick of time, as I want to stay healthy enough to live a longer life than I expect to live, now that I have someone I really care about in my life.  But it will take major changes in my life to do so.  At least, there will be one major non-health related benefit - I will be able to buy a new wardrobe that fits me well and looks better on me.

I saw an old flame tonight

No, I did not even think of reigniting the flame.  Patty is a pleasant memory, and we retained our friendship after we broke up.  And now, when I meet her, it is in Marian mode for two reasons:

• I don't want to reawaken things by presenting as a male.
• I am more comfortable meeting women in female mode, so that there is no hint of sexual interest.

Patty is comfortable with this.  And yet, I was thinking of warning her that I was going to be wearing a dress when I went to City Island to see her.  Go figure.

- - - - - -

Before we got together, Patty texted me to let me know that there was an unexpected death in her family, so that she wouldn't have to talk about it in any detail.  Yet, that was one of the first things we talked about, because she needed to tell me about it.  And then, we started catching up on what's been going on in each other's lives.

Patty grew up in a close knit family, and anything that would unravel that fabric has to hurt a bit.  This death, coupled with a family issue which I won't go into here may make things unable to be mended between Patty and a family member.  I feel sorry for her, as I think she's already read the tea leaves and sees the last chance to heal some old wounds go away.

Dinner was a little bit more expensive than I had planned.  But I had the cash ready and available tor a bill that was higher than expected.  (Moral: Don't eat the broiled fisherman's platter when a simple piece of fish will do.)  At least, I was filled to the gills, so to speak....

- - - - - -

All too soon, we had to leave.  But I suggested that we try to arrange a foursome for dinner next month, with me presenting as Mario.  Hopefully, that will happen....

Another day without leaving the apartment.

The other day, I went to my doctor and my blood pressure had spiked a bit.  One of the things he told me to do was to take and record my blood pressure readings on a daily basis and have him see it when I see him next.  So, when Amazon delivered my blood pressure monitor, I had to try it out to find out whether my blood pressure was under control or not.  And after 4 readings throughout, I consistently got numbers that said that the medicines I take were working.  So I'll have something to say to my doctor when I see him next month.

But this was one of many little things that made up my day....

Given how dreary the weather was expected to be, I figured that this would be a good time for a Jammie Day.  And I stayed in my PJ's and relaxed.  One of the things I wanted to do was find a duster that I could use as a dress like garment worn over a unitard.  Unfortunately, I might have given this away in one of my donation bags.  If so, I will need to look for another garment I can use in its place - but it won't be as pretty.

Late in the evening, I received a long awaited phone call from my ex-GF Patty.  We've maintained a friendship over the years since we broke up, and I think that her husband is a great fellow.  The phone call came just before I was scheduled to call RQS, so I texted RQS to tell her what's up, and that I'd call her immediately after finishing things with Patty.  Patty has had a very busy summer, and hasn't been able to keep up with her correspondence.  So, Patty apologized for not getting back to me sooner, explaining that the house that she lives in is being sold.  Luckily, she doesn't have to move, although her rent may change.  We caught up with the other details of what's been going on in our lives, and agreed to try and get together again sometime soon.

Next, it was my delayed phone call with RQS and I told her about Patty and her apartment.  We caught up on our daily events, and called it an early night.  Knowing me, I'll have trouble sleeping again and only get a few hours of sleep before seeing the dentist.  Hopefully, I'll be wrong and have a good and restful sleep....

By the time you read this....

 

By the time you read this, I will have both gone to a doctor to see about my persistent cough and have gone on my California cruise with RQS.  And I'll have much to report when I get back.

I'm not one who is comfortable going to new doctors, dealing with new procedures, etc. when it comes to my health.  So, it took a badly abscessed tooth to get me going to a dentist on a regular basis.  It took me almost getting pneumonia to start seeing my internist on a regular basis.  It took a former girlfriend to get me to see a sleep doctor. And it took a former friend to get me to see a dermatologist (who I should see again soon). As you can guess, I am nervous about going to the Doc in a Box today, and may write another post about it later on.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, we'll be flying to LA for our cruise.  On our one full free day in LA, we intend to see my uncle, and then do a little of the tourist thing.  Unfortunately, many of the attractions will close at 5 pm, not giving us enough time to do more than one museum or attraction.  But then, I never loved LA.  Its sprawl befits the description, "LA is a suburb in search of a city." I prefer to be in a traditional city.

Afterward, we will go on our cruise and stop in San Francisco for a couple of days. In a way, this trip is our way of connecting with family on the West Coast. First, we'll visit the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes. RQS won't mind that, as I was with her when she scattered her husband's ashes. (Of course, we'll spend the better part of the two days in San Francisco doing the typical tourist thing.) Then we will sail off to San Diego, where we'll meet up with RQS's cousin for the day. And all too soon, we'll be home.

It's been hard to identify why I am ambivalent about taking this trip.  And now I think I've figured it out.  It will likely be the last time I see my uncle while he's alive.  It may be the last time I visit San Francisco and go where I scattered my late wife's ashes.  It may be the last chance that RQS gets to meet her older cousin.  In short, it's a trip with a set of "Lasts" that is giving me a sense of sadness before it begins.

- - - - - -   

A while back, FCP criticized me, saying that I had nothing going on in my life. (I take this slightly out of context, as I don't want to rehash old wounds.)  I think she'd now say that I have a life of my own. It's far from perfect, but it's my life and I'm living it.

RQS makes me glad that she's in my life.  Unlike Ex-GF-M, RQS is willing to try new things when with me.  She is willing to get a little lost along the way, and explore what serendipity brings to us.  Unlike XGFJ, she's willing to force the issue and make me tell her how I feel.  And unlike my relationship with Patty, our relationship is built on solid ground - we both feel secure.  It's a shame that it took me almost 25 years to find a relationship that really works for me. But as they say, "you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince(ss)."  

Friends and acquaintances are slowly coming out of the woodwork - a short post.

 

Every so often, I try to reach out to people I haven't heard from in a while.  Today, 3 people reached out to me to say what's up in their lives.

- - - - - -

Several years ago, I met a woman from Ontario who has become a pen pal.  There was no way we could have a romantic relationship, but we enjoyed each other's company on the cruise.  I was pleasantly surprised when she wrote me at the end of her most recent cruise.  Sadly, like me, she has noticed the quality of NCL amenities going down while the cruise price is going up.  In response, I mentioned that we're taking our next cruise on Princess, and may switch to cruising with them for a while if they sail the routes we want to take.

Next, I received a call from FL.  She has moved out of her place on the Jersey shore, and has moved inland.  Her faith is very important to her, and she has found a church that is growing.  More importantly, she is now seeing someone - and I'm very glad for her.

Finally, Patty (my ex-girlfriend from years ago) stepped out of the woodwork for a little bit.  Sadly, things have been going wrong for her, and she's dealing with quite a few inconveniences.  Hopefully, things will get better for her soon.

- - - - - -

I mentioned a select group of people, as I'm not a person with whom most people think of to keep in contact.  So it was nice to hear from these people - just to break the routine....

Starting to catch up with people

 

Harpo Marx has nothing to do with this post, save this is my favorite picture of him, and that he is my favorite among all the Marx Brothers as people. (Groucho is my favorite on screen.)  

- - - - - -

Today was my last day of work before the weekend.  And my schedule included dealing with a phone call from the Medicare Insurance Agent (for my Part D coverage) and having dinner with a friend from my meetup groups.  What I didn't plan for was a 90 minute phone call with my ex girlfriend Patty, as her hubby was busy with a gig.  So, bu the time I reached RQS, it was getting close to midnight.  

But first....

I haven't been sleeping that well, and I could have used another 2 hours of sleep before going to work.  But I was awake and alert all day.  I guess it relates to me having more liquid when I get up and some calories (in the form of carbs) to burn before leaving home.

After 8 hours at my workstation, it was time for me to leave and get ready for dinner.  Dinner was scheduled for 6:30 at a nearby restaurant.  Since I had the insurance agent scheduled, I pushed the time forward to 7 pm.  And this was a good thing, as the insurance agent didn't bother calling me.  Luckily, the restaurant is 5 minutes away from me and I got there at 7 o'clock sharp. My friend and I had a nice meal together.  She is young enough to be my daughter and she sees me as if I were a cisgender woman.  And that is how I relate to her.   

Once I got home, Patty and I had a nice long chat and caught up on things. I won't go into any of the details here, save that we talked about family members with similar issues, medicare issues, and residence issues.  We could have talked more, but her hubby got home and she wanted to spend time with him.  So I suggested a dinner foursome with RQS, and let her spend the end of the evening with her hubby.

Next was RQS.  We caught up on what was going on for the day, and then it was time to go to bed.  At this point, I picked up some clothing I'd need for the next day, and packed for an overnight with her. However, I made sure that I transferred everything from Marian's wallet to Mario's wallet.  The last thing I want is to have no ID in my wallet when I need it - as happened with XGFJ several years ago....

Where is Skeeter Davis when you need her for a theme song?

 

At the time I started to write this entry, I was watching a film on Netflix called "Don't Look Up."  It's the story of two people who find a planet destroying comet, and all of the lunacy that happens when politicians and businessmen try to spin this knowledge for their own gains.  

All too often, we're finding that our political leadership uses emotional manipulation to keep the common people under control.  Much of our media dulls our senses, so that we won't notice the truths we have to deal with on a regular basis.  In the film, the media is painted as only wanting to deliver "happy news", trying to spin the projected destruction of the earth into an event that will benefit us all.  This is too close to real life for comfort, given the amount of "happy news" being broadcast on network TV.

What would happen if there was an extinction level event?  Given the past few years of politics, I think we'd fail to rise to the challenge.   Hopefully, Skeeter Davis would have had an alternate version of "It's the End of the World." in the can for us to listen to.

- - - - - -

But enough of that....

Today was a typical weekend day that started out with nothing for me to do, save clean up this apartment of mine.  And I proceeded to kill time as to not do that.  Then, I still have a hard decision to make - do I really want to keep this job I have?  I like having the money from the job, but I don't like how drained I feel after a long day at the office.  No, I can't complain about how I'm being treated.  It's the nature of the work environment that I don't like - it's an electronic assembly line that doesn't allow much for social interaction.  This is a problem for me, as I need more social interaction than I'm getting now.

After wasting the whole day in bed watching TV, I decided to go out as Mario.  It feels a little strange getting dressed this way, but it is the quickest thing I can do to get out - even if only to fill my car up with gas.  Unfortunately, I went to the wrong supermarket (ACME) as they did not seem to have a section where I could find pre-made meals that I could heat up at lunch.  So I picked up a couple of frozen dinners, and will eat them until I can go to Stew Leonard's or Wegmans to get something "Fresh."

Once I finished dinner, I called CWS.  Three hours later, we realized how long our call was, and called it a night.  But that wasn't the end of phone calls.  My friend Patty texted me to wish me a Happy New Year, and we ended up on a phone call that lasted another hour or so. 

People enter and leave your life for a reason - I just wish I knew what those reasons were.

 

The title of this entry may say it all.   

I once dated a woman who broke up with me, and then resumed our intimate relationship.  (I'm talking about Patty here.)  She may have been trying to get my attention, and then again, she may have had second thoughts about what she did after she did it.  When I finally broke things off later on, it was several years before we were in contact again.  And then, it was because she had a surgical procedure that prevented her brain from being starved of blood.  Recently, someone mentioned a symbolic breakup as a tactic for getting the attention of the other partner, and I would advise against it.  The partner may assume that the breakup is complete, and prematurely start the process of moving on.  In the case of Patty, we were able to reconnect as friends, and we still get together to this day.

Not all exits are permanent, as my experience with Patty shows.  However, some exits are permanent.   Years ago, I was close friends with a fellow who yearned to be a Lutheran Minister.  I was instrumental in his attempts to convince his parents that a career in Medicine, Law, or Accounting wasn't for him.  He demonstrated that a degree in Computer Science would always make it possible for him to find work, and his parents didn't protest too loudly when he followed his calling, getting his Doctor of Divinity degree, and set himself up as a local parish's minister.  Although his parents are long gone, and I haven't seen him or his wife in over 25 years, I can safely say that they should be proud of what their son has accomplished. Hopefully, I'll be able to take a long weekend at the Jersey Shore and visit him one last time (at his parish) before he retires.

Some exits are unpleasant, as in the case with one of my former friends.  I will not go into any of the details here, as I've talked way too much about her in the past.  In some of these cases, one wishes s/he could rewrite the past.  But that's not possible.  These are teachable moments - where one should learn what not to make, so that these kind of exits won't happen again.  Recently, I made a comment about one former acquaintance, noting that she spoke and wrote loudly.  This was one of the rare times where I wanted to disconnect from someone who could not be a true friend.  For the most part, I try to avoid unpleasantness, but it seems to happen no matter what I do.

Most of the people who enter my life enter as a result of some trauma they have experienced, or as a way to deal with some of the stresses they are dealing with.  I can say this is true about several of the girlfriends I've dated, but won't go into the details here.  Those people who have already gotten their acts together look for someone in a better place than I am.  As a result, I'm left to help others deal with their problems.  Sometimes, I can do so.  Other times, it's too much for me - as in the case of FH.  Her problems were related to her personality.  Yet, I found her interesting enough to hang out with for the better part of a year.

If you look at the picture at the top of this entry, it is the image of a British artist (Grayson Perry) after being being awarded his CBE title from Prince Charles.  I would love to have a woman support me in my endeavors such as his wife (pictured on his immediate right). This couple has been together for years, and have raised a beautiful daughter together. Luckily for me, I have been able to maintain a motley crew of friendships as people enter and exit....

I hate rainy, foggy days.

Normally, I try to stay in a single presentation for the entire day.  This makes things much simpler for me.  Once I move my ID and money into the correct wallet, I can be sure that I'm carrying all 3 needed items I need to show a police officer if my car is stopped.  (I also move my AAA card, as I've been in need of a tow while in my female presentation.)  This was not going to be a "half and half" day, as I only needed to be out as Mario for an hour, and I'd be out as Marian until I returned home late in the evening.

- - - - - -

Last night, GFJ and I were chatting around 2 am.  We caught up on the past day, and then she asked a question - Did Patty know about me being TG?  I told her that she may have had some inklings when we were going together in the early 2000's, but I was not out and about way back when.  I have to assume that GFJ is still sorting things out in her mind, and that my TG nature is an important issue to her.  

When I finally got up late this morning, I knew I'd have to present as a male for part of it.  There was a book (on hold) waiting for me at the library, and there was a prescription waiting for me at the drug store.  Since I could not do these things without revealing my legal identity, I had to go out as Mario for a couple of hours before coming home to change into my female presentation and go out as Marian for the evening.

Once home, I started getting ready to go out as Marian.  Off came the boy clothes, with a plan to put on the girl clothes before seeing JS for a movie and a bite to eat.  While at home, I decided to wrap gifts for my family and for GFJ.  However, I couldn't find the locking diary in the stores for the daughter of Thursday night's meetup's Christmas Gift.  So I finally broke down and subscribed to Amazon Prime, so that I could get her gift in my hands before the next game night.

While writing the earlier parts of this entry, I got a message from JS - her dog had to go to the vet for a canine emergency.  It seems as if every time we agree to get together, some event gets in the way.  Yes, I have often been unavailable on weekends, as I have always given GFJ first claim on my time.  (She is a special woman to me, and I've said as much to her.)  But now, I have the freedom to schedule weekend time with JS, and she still has excuses.  Given what I've mentioned about her and her family in the past, I'll bet that she is having serious budget problems as well as problems with her daughter.  And these problems are getting in the way of her having a healthy social life.  (These problems are also the cause of her former financial planner abandoning JS to her own devices, as JS would not do the things needed to get her life in order.)  As for me, I'd rather not allow JS to lean too much on me, as I don't want to be in a codependent relationship with anyone.

Now that JS had to postpone our get together, I had to figure out what to do for the rest of the evening.  Did I continue my preparations to go out as Marian and see a movie?  Or, did I do something else?  I ended up staying in for the night.....

I could have gone early and shopped, but....

I hate Christmas shopping.  It's a pain to find the things people really need, and even harder to find the things that people would like but wouldn't get for themselves.  When I asked the hostess of my Thursday night meetup what to get her kids, she mentioned that her son would like anything with Goldfish on it, and that her daughter would like a diary with a lock.  At this time, it looks very doubtful that the daughter will get what she wants (from me) for Christmas.  But I'll try to do so....

- - - - - -

One of the things I had to do for Christmas was a double gift - I usually get my dad a pair of sweatpants for his birthday, then a sweatshirt on Christmas.  There's not much he can use and safely keep in his nursing home.  So I take care of the clothing, and let my brother come up with the rest of the gift ideas.

Before I did anything today, I made sure to leave my cleaning lady's cell phone outside my door so that her son could pick it up on his way home.  This gave me the option of taking a drive to Jersey to do some clothes shopping, but would force me to do a longer drive to see Patty for dinner tonight.  Instead, I stayed in bed all day, and only started to get dressed when I had just enough time to make it to dinner on time.

The drive to Mamaroneck was god awful.  The rain and the headlights made the road hard to see, and I was wishing I had cancelled dinner for safety's sake.  But Patty and I made it to the restaurant on time and we spent 3 hours chatting about anything and everything.  It's too bad that her husband had the flu - it would have been nice to see him too.  We talked about New Years' plans, and she is going to the place that GFJ and I went a couple of years ago.  I made a joke about showing up as Marian, and she felt that no one would recognize me outside the context in which they knew me.  That's a good sign of how far I've come along in my path towards the feminine.

- - - - - -

All too soon, Patty and I had to part ways.  I decided to call GFJ on my way to Target in Mt. Kisco - but she was either asleep, or enjoying herself in South Jersey.  Again, I was wishing I had stayed at home.  But at least, I found sweats for my dad's year end presents.