Sunday tends to be my day to take care of weekend chores.

This is what my laundry basket feels to me at the end of the week.  With the exception of one day (or two) which I must go out in the world as Mario, virtually all the clothes in my laundry basket are for Marian. This is a good thing, as I am able to live most of my week as a woman, and enjoy my time both as Marian and as Mario.

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Today, I had 2 things on the docket.  First, I had to buy pre-made meals for lunch at the office. Then, I had to do some laundry so that I'd have something clean to wear during the week.  However, I neglected to do some items, and this will force me to do another load later in the week.  But I digress....

This was not the day to go out and do anything.  It was rainy when I went out to Wegmans, and I ended up spending more money than I planned.  To make things worse, I wanted to get some extra cash from the ATM, and Chase's machines were down at my branch.  (I have no idea whether the whole network was down or not, but this is an inconvenience that justifies my maintenance of more than one checking account for cash withdrawals.

When I finally got around to doing laundry, I forgot a few tops that needed washing.  This is the type of problem a transgal has if she builds up a wardrobe geared to be an office worker, and suddenly finds work in a factory like setting.  Although I have a couple of tops on order, I have to keep all of then clean for work.  So I use all 5 tops I have, and wash them on weekends.  Unfortunately, I forgot to wash some of these tops, so it neccisitated use of a second wash cycle to get these tops ready for the coming week.  It is similar to what I needed to do when presenting as a male.  However, I couldd get away with doing things as a male that I can't do as a female.  So, I'm extra cautious when keeping up my appearances as a female.

Hopefully, by next week I'll have settled into a simple weekend routine.

I decided to go to Long Island today.

 

As I've mentioned before, I grew up on long island.  If one were to find the Easternmost point in Queens County and walk South about 1/4 mile, you'd be in front of the house in which I grew up.   While in the neighborhood, I decided to see what it was like at the local shopping mall, Roosevelt Field.

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It's hard to believe that this mall is the 9th largest shopping mall in the country.  Yet, I think the mall could be in trouble due to the amount of vacant stores.  The pandemic and Amazon have taken their toll, yet the mall still survives.  It's not just a place to go shopping as much as it's a place to spend time participating in American consumer culture.  If we're not spending money in stores, we're visiting them to see what we can buy.

I found it hard to believe how many people were at the mall today.  If I didn't go near the food court, I wouldn't have noticed any evidence that there is a pandemic going on save for the lines to get in a couple of stores. Since this visit was in male mode, I was not going to explore the women's departments looking for bargains.  Instead, I explored some of the clearance merchandise, and avoided spending money at the mall.  

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Years ago, my late wife and I used to visit malls to kill time.  Now that I've gotten older, I find the lure of new things less compelling.  If I buy things now, they are either consumables, things replacing those that no longer fit, or are things replacing those that have worn out. Internet shopping is the future for me, as much as I'd rather shop in person.  Product displays no longer tempt me.  I know what I want, can find it with little help, and do not need the headaches of driving to malls to shop well.  Change has benefited me in more ways than I'd have expected....

The end of the week is here!

 

Above is another work of art from the same hotel/casino.  As much as I am not a gambler, I had a good time when I went there with a then special someone.  I know that she'd be surprised to see me getting up at 6 am every day, as that was the time one had to get up to use the spa's pool before it opened for business.

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Why do I mention a work of art?  Well, I'm thinking of going into NYC this weekend and visiting a museum before the tourists come back to town.  Yes, there is always the risk of catching the virus.  But without a special someone who cares what happens to me, the reward of enjoying myself while I can outweighs the risk of catching the virus.  It is depression or fatalism?  I don't know, but I think it's a form of acceptance of the things I can't fully control.  

Vicki once mentioned that at some time, we have to start living life again.  Recently, the two of us went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant which was busier than the restaurant that FH and I ate at the night before.  FH has little to worry about, as she has had her two vaccination shots, while I should be the one to fear contact with people.  Yet, I'm the one who feels confident going out to eat.  Go figure.

This afternoon, I saw the signs of the end of the pandemic.  Some of the meetup groups that I attend have started to post events for the spring.  It'll be nice to see people again.  But I know that because of last year and my dispute with the ex, that I'm no longer sure of being accepted anywhere due to the dispute.  Yet, I'll deal with those issues if they come up.  At least I can say that I made it through the worst of times alive.  That's more than a lot of people could say if they were able to communicate with us from the beyond....

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Thursday - the end of the week is in sight!

 

Some of my readers who have been to Atlantic City may recognize this glass sculpture in the lobby of one of the Casino/Hotels. It's a pretty work of art, and I enjoy looking at it whenever I visit this casino.

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You might be asking: Why did I start off talking about a casino?   It's because life is about taking chances, and I realize that I made the right move by returning to work.  Like most people, I have my problems with work.  But it's nothing a make a big deal about.  Others have it much worse than I do, and many of them feel that winning the lotto is the only way they will find success.

Most of the time, we control good parts of our own destinies. One of my friends from the online meetup group is in a FML (Fuck My Life) kind of mood, as her Texas acquaintances failed her when she needed a warm place to stay during the recent frigid weather. She hasn't received a raise in 3 years, and there is no sign that more money will be coming to anyone soon.  She misses being able to be with people, as the pandemic has reduced the foot traffic near her door.  And, all the men that have contacted her online seem to be scammers.  Why in the hell did she leave New York for Texas?  I advised my friend how to turn this pandemic into a goose that can lay a golden egg. Her boss made promises to her that aren't being kept.  With Trump's tariffs on Chinese manufactured goods, and layoffs related to the pandemic, my friend can claim that her boss has not been able to keep her promises to help my friend develop move valuable skills.  She can tap into a prospective employer that once reached out to her (via a headhunter) and do a cold call, asking to be considered for work when they begin hiring again.  (The prospective employer is out of state in a tourist dependent area, so they won't be hiring until Autumn at best.  But she could be on the top of his list of people to talk to.)  She has options she never thought of, many of which can help her get more control of her destiny if wise choices are made.

As for me, I wanted to get out of the zoom meetup early.  I had dinner to cook, and each minute in the meeting was a minute away from the oven and from dinner.  Yet, I was very glad I could help her, as it was my turn to pay some stuff forward today....

 

 

If I can get to sleep and out the door, I have a potential routine for a work day.

To the left is Harpo Marx.  In real life, he had a lot more going on in his life than I do these days.  First, he was an entertaining person on and off the screen.  And he was appreciated for the person he was - someone who never put on airs, and was beloved by almost everyone who knew him.  Who wouldn't want to live a life like he did as an adult!

Why might you ask: Why am I bringing up Harpo Marx?  Well, as an adult, he was able to live a fulfilling life, and was able to do more of what he wanted to do as he grew older. In many ways, I am doing just that, being able to live part of my life as Marian.  But to do so, I must fine tine a daily routine.

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My alarm is set for 6 am during the week, and I usually wake up an hour early.  This means that I get an hour less sleep than I want and need.  Before I do anything, I put on a cup of coffee, then check my email for a few minutes.  Eventually, I make it to the shower, and then to put on my feminine face for the day.  Around 7:15, I have to be out of the house to make it to work by 8:00, with a quick stop at the deli for an egg sandwich.  How boring.  And then, it's 8 1/2 hours at the office doing quality assurance on boxes of scanned documents.  

The place I work at is a factory with a digital assembly line.  Paper goes in one end of the plant, and digitized images come out the other.  It's far from the friendliest place to work,  not because the people there are unfriendly.  Instead, the work flow doesn't give people the opportunity to socialize outside of official break time.  Most tasks in this factory can be done by anyone with a little bit of training. And one can easily leave problems at the door when 4:30 comes.

After I leave the office, I am free to do whatever I want or need to do until 10 pm or so, and then I should be preparing for bed.  However, I'm not a person to go to sleep early.  Therefore, my inability to fall asleep early is causing me problems.

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Hopefully, I will fine tune this routine soon.  I can't keep going to work being sleep deprived.

 

 

Looking back at two friendships.

 

The above picture is of me and my former cruise partner (FCP) who shall not be named here.  The other day, she came up in an exchange of text messages between me and my ex girlfriend. Although I can sense some of my ex's ambivalence about how we handled our differences, I know that she may be learning something by chatting with me this way.  Whether or not we end up being good friends again is up to fate.  But with everything that went on in my life last year, she may have been in a worse place without losing anyone important in her life. And that could be the explanation why she fought so hard then and why she is ambivalent about a friendship now.  But I digress....

The ex and FCP have met once during the pandemic and have chatted on the phone several times.  It seems like the ex inherits friendships whenever she breaks up with a man - and now she has FCP for a friend.  I know that FCP and I will likely never find a way to patch things up - and I can't blame her for feeling as she does.

Several days ago, I had a dream that referenced FCP, and it wasn't pleasant.  I feel that I needed to send an indirect message to find out whether she is OK or not. And thus, the mention of this dream to my ex. I'm hoping that all is still OK with FCP, as last the ex heard, things were OK, as FCP has hunkered down with her pets for the duration.

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You might wonder why I once sent FCP a terse apology that may have sounded "matter of fact" and nothing more.  The answer is simple: If I were to say a "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa" to her, she'd find a way to use the written word against me.  Thus, I don't want anything communicated in a form that could be used against me.

Regarding the ex, I want her as a friend, the type of friendship we could have had at the first time we broke up.  I don't push her.  Both of us still have some feelings that might complicate things if a friendship is rushed.   So I find it better to go slowly and work at rebuilding trust.  In our last conversation, I mentioned that there was a subtle wall between us during the relationship - and she gave as part of her explanation: "I didn't think about it."  People who build walls between themselves and others (and I'm including myself here as well), don't think of things that the other person feels should be obvious.  Over time, they may become obvious to the person, and by then it is often too late to fix things between the two people.  This is why I believe that an occasional argument between two people is a healthy thing - the walls we build are not started by our conscious minds, but can only be breached by our conscious minds.

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Some of my readers might remember that the big problems with the ex started with our breakup and how we handled things.  I am careful NOT to mention what's going on with my dating life with her, as it is none of her business.  If she were to ask, I'd give her the information she asked for, but I'd warn her that she might not like what she were to hear. (Whether she'd be pleased or not is not my concern if she were to ask the question.  But I think she'd be pleasantly surprised to find out certain things that I have not mentioned in this blog.)  Hopefully, this will not be an issue for us in the future.

As I've said earlier, I'm just trying to develop the friendship that my ex and I should have developed years ago.  Yet, at times, I feel that we're doing a delicate dance around an elephant in the room (not to be confused with the hose connecting us to our CPAP machines). Would either of us be able to overcome a fear of being hurt to risk opening up to a relationship again?  And if so, could either of us deal with potential rejection, or with a potential relationship failure in the future?  Right now, I'm only looking for a friendship, as that is the only realistic option open to us at the moment....

 

Will I be able to keep up this pace?

 

I seem to be burning the midnight oil lately, not going to sleep early enough and waking up too early.  Work is not easy for me these days, as it's hard to stay awake and do a mind numbing job.  

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Last night, I figured that I was going to go home, relax a little, and enjoy my Zoom meetup with my Texas friends.  Yet, it seemed like Grand Central station to me, as I did not manage my time well.  This is a skill that I think I've lost in the years since I had to work a 9 to 5 job.  (The census had a schedule, but it was not one of these jobs.)

The big question is: Will I get used to a schedule where I have to be up by 6 am?  I need to do all the things required of me to present as a female when at work.  In many ways, I am living the life of a woman with a body that was born with the wrong equipment.  And this keeps getting in my way in subtle things such as having to shave every morning. 

Yet, there are only a few things I'd change, one of them is living half and half, so that I could have a woman in my life who accepts me warts and all.  Being Marian gives me energy.  But being Mario can give me companionship.  It's hard to find a middle ground, but it's a place I need to find to have optimal happiness....