The day started off with a visit to the doctor

 

I hate doctors' visits - especially when I receive bad news.  Today, I found out that my blood pressure spiked, and that my doctor wants me to do daily monitoring.  AARGH!   It's hard enough for me to remember to take my medications in a timely manner....

But enough of that.   After leaving the doctor, I went to BJ's to do some shopping, followed by a visit to Trader Joe's to buy some food for the week.  And then, I had time to kill before this month's co-op board meeting.

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Tonight's board meeting would be the first one with the site manager in training, and I was hoping that we could start off on the right foot. First, we had to interview an applicant to buy an apartment, and that went quickly.  And then, we met with the new site manager.  This time, things went quickly, as he understood what we were trying to do, and we understood what he was trying to say to us.  What a change of tome from our prior meetings!  After he left, we took care of some remaining co-op business, and ended the meeting in record time.

Next on my list of things to do would be applying for social security.  As much as I expected that I'd have problems with the process, it went smoother than expected.  For example, when I had to enter data in regard to my late wife, the application form made it easy for me to bypass data that I don't have anymore - such as her social security number.  Now, I have to wait until money starts flowing into my checking account.  Then, I'll deal with fixing the tax withholding on both my pension payments and my social security payments.

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As I've said in other posts: Most of what goes on in a transgender person's life has nothing to do with being transgender.  We still put our trousers on one leg at a time.  But we also have to deal with other issues which would not have been expected for us if we were cisgender.

Giving away some wigs - a quick post

 

The other day, I found a couple of wigs of the style (and quality) I used to wear when I first started going out as Marian.  By the standard of wigs I wear today, these were the equivalent of cheap costume jewelry. Although the style looked good on me, I would have to replace the wig on a monthly (or even, a bi-weekly basis) to be wearing something that looks good on me.

Years ago, I started wearing inexpensive wigs that cost $60 or so.  They served my purpose way back when, but I knew I needed to wear something better.  So, I graduated to wearing wigs in the $300-$400 range, and replacing them every 6 months or so.  (I still can't believe that one of my current wigs still looks OK after 9+ months of wear.  But I will soon be using it as a backup when I take my upcoming Bahamas cruise.)  There's a part of me that would like to try a much more expensive human hair wig that costs $1,800-$2,500 or so (as once recommended by my former cruise partner, FCP), but I am uncomfortable spending that kind of money on a wig when my face still looks relatively masculine - even with properly applied makeup.

What might the big deal be in regard to the human hair wig?  To answer this, one has to understand the psychology of the largest group of consumers (in the New York Area) for human hair wigs - the ultra orthodox Jewish women whose faith prohibits them from showing their real hair in public.  To get around this, they wear wigs in place of their own human hair as a way to skirt around laws of their faith. (Don't get me started about their Eruvs.)  FCP came from such a tradition, and wanted me to upgrade my look.  But, I realized that it made more sense to be able to replace my wigs in the same way that women might try new hair styles and colors until they get one that works - then stick with it for a while.

Right now, I have 4 unworn wigs in my closet, and will be taking it out to replace the oldest wig that I now wear.  Hopefully, I will be able to get as much wear out of this wig as I have its predecessor.....

 

 

 

PS: One can feel the difference between an old and new wig.  And that's how I usually determine when to retire a wig.  So keep a new one around to compare the feel between old and new wigs.  When the old one starts feeling worn out, replace it.  You'll be glad you did.

Earrings and other jewelry

 

One of the things that women often take for granted is getting theirs pierced as a child or young adult.  It is so much easier to wear pierced earrings, and there is a greater availability of earrings for women with pierced ears.  So, I decided to finally get my ears pierced this past winter, in order to wear the above pierced earrings I had just bought on my Hawaii trip.

Now that my ears have been pierced, I have had occasional problems with the piercings.  The holes are not the easiest to find (which can be a good thing when seeing people who have no idea that I am TG), and this often frustrates me when attempting to wear dangling things such as the earrings in the picture. With a girlfriend who accepts my nature, I feel no guilt in getting ready to go out in front of her, as she wants me to look my best in either gender presentation.

Soon, I will start accumulating jewelry to fit every mood and situation.  For example, I love the idea of wearing pearls with a little black dress on a cruise's formal night.  Not all jewelry has to be expensive or formal.  Yet, the jewelry I buy has to be tasteful for a woman of my age.  Therefore, it has to be both simple and easily coordinated with what I'm wearing that day.  In the case of the above earrings and necklace (and pendant), I made sure that these items looked good with the dress I was wearing.

Unlike most women of my age, they have had decades to develop a feel for the jewelry that works best with their personality.  I'm lucky.  Since my fingers and wrists are too big to wear some of the jewelry given to my by my former cruise partner, I have been able to avoid many of the "loud" items that would draw attention to the non-feminine parts of my body.  In short, the jewelry I wear helps me blend in, not to stand out.

Given what I've said above, I am still surprised at how hard it is to see ear piercings when the piercings are not being used for jewelry.  A while back, I went to see my brother after taking my studs out, and he didn't notice a thing.  My fears of being noticed at the wrong time weren't fulfilled.  So, for any TG readers of this blog who are afraid of piercings, don't be.  Most people will ignore tiny studs in one's ears while the piercings heal, and will not notice those piercings when the studs are out.

The more I work on cleaning my place, the more it seems I need to do.

 

My apartment used to look something like this in the not so distant past.  However, when the pandemic struck, everything changed in my life.  One of those things was an incentive to keep things tolerably neat. Now, I'm trying to eliminate much of the clutter that has taken over this place.

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Right now, the space behind the loveseat is being used for storage.  However, it is a manageable accumulation of boxes stored in the least worthwhile area of the apartment.  And most of this will be moved into my storage compartment downstairs when I've cleaned that out.

My closets are showing more open space than I've had in years.  Yet, there is so much more pruning I have to do.  Ideally, I'll only need one tall dresser/chest and one closet to hold each of my masculine and feminine wardrobes.  But until then, I'll have to gradually build donation bags from clothing I haven't worn in a season or two.

When I started this cleanup process, it was a bit overwhelming.  There is light at the end of the tunnel - but it's so far away.  I figure that there is a lot more that I can get rid of before this place starts to feel like the home it was for me when I moved in here 40+ years ago.  But then, like many baby boomers, I thought that this would be a stepping stone purchase - I'd eventually own a house that could hold all of the stuff that I'd accumulate over the years.

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I guess that the same thought process goes for maintaining one's health as well.  One can not do everything all alone.  The impetus to finally to do the work on this apartment wouldn't have been there, had RQS not been in my life and been in the same position in life.  We work well together.  Years ago, my former cruise partner (FCP) wanted a diet and exercise buddy - something I wasn't prepared to do.  There was a certain desperation in communicating this need for a partner, and I knew I wasn't in a position to help her out.  She would eventually have Bariatric surgery, as well as skin reductions to make her body reflect who she wanted to be.  

So, this leads to the question: Who do I want to be?  To answer that takes a lot of hard work.  To welcome people into my life, I have to have a home worth visiting.  That involves apartment cleanup and some help.  Something similar is needed to get my body into shape.  Will I do anything as drastic as my former cruise partner?   No.  I saw how miserable she felt in the early days after her surgery, and I felt bad when I saw her binge eating afterward.  She dealt with the symptoms, and not the underlying problem.  I want to deal with both the underlying problem and its symptoms.

Over the years, I've learned that I need to be able to be out as Marian.  I would never have been happy if several of my previous romantic relationships got further than rolls in the hay.  I'll always be grateful to FCP for her help at the beginning of my journey.  Yet, to continue along this path, I had to go it alone.  Sadly, the way it happened was not a good thing.  But I'll bet that she's better off having been forced to open herself up to the world a little.

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In the end, I'll end up being the person I want most - who and whatever that person may be.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

 

The full quote — “There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics” — has been attributed to Mark Twain, who himself attributed it to British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, who might never have said it in the first place.  In 2020's America, this phrase takes on even more meaning with the misinformation circulating in "conservative" information bubbles.  False information is being spread by certain "Newscasters" in order to keep pliable masses supporting people who don't give a damn about their welfare.

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Recently, I watched a YouTube video by Steve Shives featuring a political candidate who spoke the GOP's "quiet parts out loud."   Sadly, this fictional candidate's speech is too close to the truth for comfort.  For example, I was once "defriended" by a transgender woman who stated that New York's abortion law protected abortions up to and including the 9th month of pregnancy. There is a certain ignorance and suspension of reality in such a belief.  If a woman carries a fetus into the 9th month of pregnancy, she likely wants the baby to be born.  If there is an abortion, it is likely to be to save the life of the mother.  The same type of misinformation was said when the GOP bashed Obamacare - most people kept doing to their doctors of choice, and it reduced costs for the states that expanded Medicaid. Worst of all was our 45th president claiming that "secret evidence" proved that he won the election. People died in the January 6th 2021 assault on the Capitol building because of this man's lies, and yet, he still walks free.

The "Religious Right" has lost many of the cultural battles it has fought recently, and they are now focusing on Transgender people as convenient targets.  How does it hurt people to amend birth certificates when Gender Corrective Surgery is performed?  Yet, in some states, this change is banned, leaving many transgender people in a state of legal limbo.  What about transgender medical care, preventing TG youth from having an incorrect puberty?  Does this hurt the larger society?  Even going to the restroom can be a problem, as many states have passed "Bathroom Bills" which restrict people to use only those restrooms associated with the gender people were associated with at birth.  Being transgender, I can't risk seeing friends in Texas because of laws like this.

We must be on the alert when false information is being spread about us.  Even if we are in stealth mode, we must always speak out against the lies spread by our enemies.  Although it is a small segment of America which is out to attack us, it holds disproportionate influence over one of our two major political parties.  We can't let that one party win while radicals hold control of that party, as it is an existential threat to us.

Truth doesn't always win out.  People who believe in the truth must fight lies whenever their seed reaches fertile ground.  Take on the fight, and fight hard - our lives depend on it!

 

 

Swedish death cleaning - American Style

 

Have you ever looked at a messy apartment and congratulated yourself for getting rid of a lot of the clutter? That's how I felt yesterday after a closet clean out session.  In addition to rationalizing what I'm keeping in the closet, I have given it greater organization for future storage.  

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Some of the things I found in the closet were tools needed for painting and for bathroom tile work. Although I will likely hire out most of the future work of this ilk, it pays for me to keep some of these tools around - just in case.  Next, I found 12 bottles of distilled spirits, all of which I intend to give away over time.  The bottles are properly sealed, and will likely have retained their alcohol content after 30 years. Then, I found enough clothing to fill 2 large donation bags - which went to the donation center today. What I found most interesting is the amount of makeup supplies that I've been keeping in reserve for future use. I never realized how much stuff I bought planning to use, and then stored away as my makeup needs changed.

I will soon need to clean out my storage compartment, so that I can make room for things I don't need in this apartment on a regular basis.  For example, I want to rotating out-of-season clothing between the apartment and the storage apartment, so that the apartment (and its closets) doesn't feel cramped anymore.  Part of this cleanup will be the disposal of a 600+ Vinyl LP collection  I don't play these albums anymore, and I want to see them go where someone might enjoy them.

In both the apartment and the storage compartment, I have some cut glass decanters which have never been used.  I know that 2 of these decanters in the apartment were wedding presents, but I'm not sure of the others that are in the storage compartment.  There will be a tinge of sadness when I get rid of these items, as I will be feeling sad for hopes that died with my wife.  The decanters are among many items I have which provide connections to my late wife, and going through all the clutter has stirred up both memories and feelings.  The more "valuable" things were when my wife was alive, the more feelings I will need to deal with as I dispose of those things.

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Given where things are now, I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.  There's a part of me that wonders what my late wife would be doing had I been the one to pass away.  But I'll never have answers to those questions.  All I can do is move forward, so that I have a place that I can be proud to have guests in again.

Cleaning out a closet - not much to say about today.

 

I'm not much of a believer in the principles of Feng Shui.  But I agree with this post, that having a messy apartment, as well as messy closets are bad for someone's health.  Excessive clutter reflects problems that a person has and must be dealt with.  Today, RQS and I attacked the closet in my hallway.

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RQS has been at my place from Friday to Wednesday, and on two of those days, it was too hot to do anything outside.  So, after a mild amount of prodding, I shifted our cleanup focus from making the bedroom neater to attacking the mess in the closet.  By the time we were done, we had 4 large bags to be donated to charity, as well as some garbage bags for the dumpster.

By the time we were done with the closet, it was too late to go out.  (This would have been a day spent as Marian if we had gone out.  But I digress.)  There wasn't much to do, now that Labor day festivities ended.  So we stayed in our jammies and watched a couple of movies and some old reruns. 

Although RQS has to go home to take care of some things, she'll be back this weekend.  Hopefully, we'll again find some inexpensive lobster to boil, and we can have another feast while the crustaceans are in season.  Until then, I'll get back to paying my bills and doing laundry, so that RQS can feel comfortable when she returns.