I still play hopscotch across gender lines

Unlike an acquaintance mentioned in a prior post, I have no intention of backsliding on my path to femininity.  Even though the AI generated picture above is only an aspirational goal, it is a good idea of what I'd look like after Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS).  And I want to look like this (as appropriate for my age) at some time in the future.

The big question will always be: How far can I go along my path and have RQS as my companion?  I'd rather stop at a point before she starts feeling uncomfortable than to go too far and lose her.  For me, having companionship at this stage of life is more important than being fully female.  The equipment between my legs is less important than how I present myself to the world.  Additionally, the ability to present myself to the world 24x7 as a female is not as important as having a partner at this stage of life.

So, where does this leave me right now?

Well, I am comfortable crossing gender lines as needed to get things done during the day.  For example, I have to do some tile shopping for repairs being done on my bathroom wall.  This is something best done while I'm in male mode.  Yet, I feel more comfortable in female mode overall.  

Yet, this can get a bit awkward when I need to be in Male mode part of the day, then Female mode for the rest of the day.  For example, I have electricians coming to my apartment several days next week. (I can't move all of the furniture out of the way to get all the needed work done on one visit.)  I'll need to be in male mode these days, then change into female mode after they have gone for the day.

For the most part, everyone in my apartment complex knows that I live a bi-gendered life.  But, I have to be careful which mode I use when I deal with the outside world.  If a mechanic sees me as a woman, they will either treat me as someone who doesn't know much about mechanical things - or worse....  Yet, presenting as a male can be just as awkward in female dominated spaces, such as makeup counters. 

Will this crossing of gender lines ever end?

I don't have a good answer to the above question.  If I didn't have to worry about RQS's feelings, I'd probably move much faster towards living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I'd still want a relationship with my family, and that would likely mean that I would either have to out myself to the rest of the family or find ways to hide it....

Medicare - AARGH!

 

Turning 65 is a big pain!  Not only do I have to realize that I am an old person, but I have to change my insurance provider - and not by choice, but by effective mandate.  This is not as bad as it sounds, but it is a confusing mess.

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I always knew that I'd be going on Medicare, but am confused by all the options available to me.  So I registered for a traditional medicare plan (parts A&B) and drug coverage (part D).  But I have also looked into a supplement plan, even though that will cost me extra money.  Could I have gone with an "Advantage Plan" (part C) instead of the others?  Yes, but I have been told that there are issues going down that route.  So I'm buying time by leaving options available to me to choose from in the future.

But what has that to do with being transgender?  Virtually nothing.  One of the things about the transition process is that most of a life continues running as if a person was cisgender. About the only thing different for me is that my ID still has Mario's name on it, and that I still see my internist as Mario.  I can only imagine what will happen if I go towards medical transition.  That's a topic I don't want to think about right now, as I'm not sure if I'll ever go that far....

Normalcy

 

What is normal?  For a trans person, it is being about living a normal life for the gender for which one identifies.  This means that after a period of transition, a trans person will live an uneventful life in issues of gender, save for those issues specific those people of that gender.

Once one has transitioned, all of the other issues in a person's life still go on.  The issue of gender dysphoria has been removed, but all other issues remain.  If one is prone to anger, one will still get angry quickly after transition. If one is warm and affectionate, this personality trait will still remain after one shifts to a new gender identity and presentation.  If one has family problems, they will still remain after transition.  In short, transition is not a be all and end all.

Why am I noting this?

For the past 15 months, I've been working at a job as Marian that I've grown to abhor.  It's not the job itself, but what I've let it do to my life.  I no longer have the energy to read in the way I once did.  I no longer have the time to prepare my own "healthy" meals.  And I no longer have the time to keep up with my friends.  This is not a normal I like to live.  Yet, it is the normal that many of us are forced to suffer for much of their lives.

Lately, I have identified a date for which I will be submitting my resignation, so that I have a chance of enjoying a summer spending time with RQS.  I will miss the extra money I get from working my job.  But I will be able to get back to a normal that I enjoyed more than the normal I have now....

Getting Old

 

Very soon I will turn 65 and be eligible for Medicare.  It's amazing how quickly time passes.  It seems like yesterday that I was trying to skip out of school and do things I enjoy more.  With the exception that I now want to skip work, it still seems the same to me - there is never enough time, money, or energy to do all the things one wants to do.

In the past, I wouldn't think twice of taking on a strenuous task.  For example, it took the efforts of 3 men (including me) to get my entertainment center up my staircase.  Today, I realize that I will either smash the thing to bits to get it out of my apartment, or that someone will hire some strong men to get it out of my place.  I will not risk my health to get this piece of oversized furniture out of my apartment.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I should start seriously thinking of getting old.  How far do I want to continue along my path towards femininity?  Romance will limit my progress on that path.  And this might be OK, as there are few old age homes that specialize in the needs of the LGBT community.

Do I fear getting old?  No.  But I fear getting decrepit.  As a result, I will be walking a lot as the weather gets warmer.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....

I was thinking of a topic for discussion

 

The weekend after Columbus day is when Fantasia Fair is usually scheduled.  I've only had the privilege to attend this gathering once, and I hope to be able to do so again one day.  The first time I attended, I was a newbie, and had much to learn.  Next time, I hope to be able to pass on some of my "wisdom" so that newcomers can have an easier time in their paths towards "transition".

You'll note that the word "transition" in the prior paragraph has been put in quotes.  Movement towards being your authentic self does not require a full medical or social transition.  Each person's path has its own stops along the way, and each person has his/her own unique goal which he/she wants to achieve.  In some cases, it is a full transition, where the body is shaped to better fit the person's image of what he/she wants to be.  In other cases, it is a partial transition, where many of the characteristics of the opposite sex are incorporated into that person's body, so that he/she feels complete.  And in still others, it is a temporary transition, where one can simply take on the role of the other sex for a while, and retreat to where he/she originally started.  This is a gross simplification, as it focuses only on body presentation and not all the other subtleties implied by the gender spectrum.

In my case, I would prefer to have a female body - with all that this entails.  Unlike most transgender people, my male body does not bother me.  It simply doesn't suit my purposes, save in one way which I won't go into right now.  I can live with what I have.  With other people, they will sacrifice everything to have the body that he/she wants in the gender that he/she needs to exist in.  Severe gender dysphoria is often treated with GCS (Gender Confirmation Surgery), but it is often not available to many transgender people for a myriad of reasons, financial cost being one of them, but not the only one.  For many, the social and professional costs are prices too high for them to pay. 

The topic I'd like to discuss involves my experiences living in the world as Marian, and the costs I've had to pay to do so.  I'd also like to discuss the costs others have had to pay, and tell the audience that going in this direction is not for weaklings.  A person will be attacked from many directions by many people - most of them unexpected.  But the rewards are great - life as one's authentic self is very fulfilling, and worth all the costs involved in doing so.  Would something like this be a good topic for a Fantasia Fair presentation?  Maybe.  But first, I'd like to speak with someone I know who has done just that....

 

 

Stepping Stones

When I first tried to enter the workforce years ago, I encountered a problem common to many young people.  In order to get a job, I first needed to have a job.  Now that I'm an older person, I have that same problem again.  It would be much easier for me to find work if I were already employed.  Well, it looks like this problem may soon have a resolution. 

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My alarms woke me up at 8:30, and brought me to full consciousness by 9:00. My TV was turned to my usual channel, and my favorite courtroom drama was playing when I got another call from the Census Bureau.  This time, they were calling me about the IT position that I really was looking for when I filed paperwork with them.  So when my TV show ended, I returned the call and now I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, I'll get an offer before I'd have to start the other position mentioned in an earlier entry. 

Even though the Census positions are temporary, they would be stepping stones I could use to find work outside of government.  Of course, I'd want to socially transition while on the job, so that I could interview as Marian and leave Mario behind when looking for work. So, I won't get too far ahead of myself.  Instead, I'll hold off from scheduling my planned cruise and assume that 2020 will be a year without a vacation for me.

Once I was done with the Census Bureau, I looked at today's weather forecast.  There was no way that I was going to go to today's Arts Westchester meeting, and even much less of a chance that I'd go to today's Fun Time Friends meetup.  (Note: By mid morning, I received an email from Arts Westchester's volunteer coordinator that the meeting was rescheduled for next week.) This freed up my day, and allowed it to be a Jammie Day.  And then, I received a text from SWD saying that she couldn't make lunch today.  Well, the expected snow became a fortunate coincidence, as I had our lunch scheduled for Wednesday.  I'd have hated to have crossed signals with her.  So we rescheduled our lunch for 2 1/2 weeks from now.

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Around 1:00 pm, the weather forecast predicted that 6" to 12" of snow would fall in my area. There was no way that I'd go out in this weather.  Instead, I decided to stay in and take care of things that I could take care of indoors - and prepare to get up early tomorrow to clean off my car AND to go to the interview that I scheduled before paying attention to the weather report.