There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Being Thankful

 

I'd like to wish all of my readers a Happy Thanksgiving!

This is one of the rare entries which goes out on (or close to) the actual date I refer to in the post.  Yet, it expresses much about how I feel lately.

Earlier this year, I lost my dad because of the pandemic.  Yet, I'm grateful that he was my dad, and that he had 92 years on this planet.  Life is way too short.  Yet, in the grand scheme of things, my dad lived a full life.  And, most importantly, he raised two children to adulthood and made sure that they had the grit to take care of themselves after he was gone.  For that, I am grateful.

My brother has turned himself into a person I respect very much.  Even though we are very different in style and personality, I'm grateful that we have a good relationship.  No, we wouldn't have chosen each other as friends, as we don't have much in common.  But he is a good man, and someone I'm glad to know.

I'm thankful that I recently had 10 months of work with the census bureau, as I was able to replenish my bank account for future use.  It's nice to know that I have money enough to afford another vacation when the pandemic restrictions are gone.

I could go on and on about things today.  However, right now, I am more interested in the Thanksgiving dinner I expect to have with someone who could become very special over time.

 

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Some dates and no prunes

 

No, this is not the Maitre D' at either of the places I ate this weekend.  However, by the time the weekend ended, my wallet was almost as empty as the place the "fellow" is holding.

FH has a job where she works a Sunday through Thursday schedule.  This means that we have both Friday and Saturday in which to get together.  However, she is too drained from her job to meet on Fridays, so Saturday become our regularly scheduled date night.  This left me free to do things on Sundays.  This weekend, I met with JM and had a second nice date with her.

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The weekend opened up on Friday night, with the tire pressure idiot light coming on after dark.  Unfortunately, I was not going to take care of this issue in the dark while dressed in a LBD for dinner with Vicki. So I drove to Milton, NY for dinner with Vicki, and figured that I'd take care of the problem in the morning.

Saturday came, and I had to find the tire pressure gauge before driving to meet FH. After inflating the tire properly, I drove to Yonkers to pick her up, and then to Rhinebeck for a nice day in the country.  From there, we crossed the Hudson to drive through Kingston and then through New Paltz.  (I wasn't going to say how well I know the area because of the ex-girlfriend, so I talked in generalities.)  I figure that one day soon, she'll likely want to stay over my place, and that we can go to Woodstock for another trip to the Little Bear.  But I digress.  By the time we made it back to Forest Hills, about 8 hours had passed and I was very tired. So I made it back to Croton, and then to bed.

The next day, I wasn't much in the mood to go out of the apartment.  However, JM and I had a late lunch date in Pelham, and I wasn't in the mood to cancel it.  When we got there, there was no way we were going to eat outdoors due to the approach of inclement weather.  It was already too windy to enjoy dining outdoors.  So we ended up eating inside, about 25+ feet away from the only other customers in the place. Again, we ate and chatted for 3 hours, and decided to meet again.  I wish I had met her before I met other ladies, as this woman is a great catch.  Yes, she's out of my league for reasons I won't discuss here.  But if she were to like me enough to have a relationship, I'd feel very lucky to have a woman I could talk with for hours at a time.  However, given my transgender nature, I always have to hedge all of my bets.

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It looks like FH and I will be spending Thanksgiving together.  Hopefully, it will be a very pleasant day.  I'll make sure that my phone is set to "do not disturb" whenever I'm with any of the ladies in my life.

 

The "Race" to find a Girlfriend - Status Update

 

Seven years ago, I was at the above lighthouse on my earliest date as Marian.  The woman I was with knew I was cross dressing, and was OK with it.  However, she had her issues, and big ones at that.  So we were never in contact with each other after our third date.  Seeing this picture, I thought of this lady, and decided to see whether she is still alive (she had health issues) or not.  I'm glad I found out that she's still alive.  And I now know that she's living with her ninety year old mother.  (One day, I might drop her a line to find out what has gone on in her life since we were last in contact. But this is not a high priority with me.)

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Now that FL has taken herself out of the "Girlfriend Race", I can say that FH wants to spend a weekend with me in Amish Country. With the Coronavirus starting its second wave, I'm not sure if I really want to do this trip at this time.  But if it means we can test out our physical attraction without distractions at home, I'm willing to do so.  Yet, I'm not completely sure if I want to place my "long term" bets on FH yet.

The other day, I had a date with a woman from Manhattan. (Let's call her JM for now.)  JM and I met in Tarrytown, and we spent the better part of three hours talking with each other.  In certain ways, she's out of my league.  But if I am good dating material for her, it might be worth seeing what happens. This will involve the inevitable disclosure of my dual gendered nature.  Is this person worth the risk? We seem to get along more smoothly than I did with FH on our first date.  So I'll have to see what happens on a second date - both of us need to know whether each of us are "first date wonders."

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On other matters, I mentioned in a prior entry that a former friend rang my Google Voice number and didn't leave me a message.  (Her number was blocked because of events that happened a year ago.)  By the time you read this, she should have received a birthday card from me. And I will then find out whether her phone call was an accident or not.  (If there is no response, I'll know that this former friend accidentally dialed my number.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tech Support is no fun when dealing with people with no technical aptitude

 

Some people are totally clueless when it comes to technology. My friend Pat is one of them.  She has no ability to describe a problem, nor does she know when NOT to supply superfluous information when it is not called for. I often hate helping her out, as she is a person who has no aptitude to manipulate the simplest of technical ideas.

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Recently, Pat asked me for help with two things: to install a printer on her new computer, and to fix an undefined problem with her TV.  So, I attacked the problem with the TV first.  When her daughter from California last visited, she gave pat both a new TV and a new Apple computer. The daughter helped Pat cut the programming cord with the local cable company, and set the TV up to use her daughter's shared YouTube TV and Netflix accounts via a Roku device.  Unfortunately, Pat had no understanding of what the daughter did with the TV, nor did she have any of the fine manuals (I normally substitute another word for "fine" here) that came with her equipment. 

Since Pat did not know where the TV's remote could be found (she uses the Roku device to turn on the TV and to control the volume on the TV), I had to experiment with the buttons on the side of the TV to get at the settings for the TV. I was doing this blind, and Pat kept telling me that one of her friends fixed a problem like this with something on her cable box's remote. Pat was getting quite annoying, there was nothing about the cable box remote that could be the cause of the problem, and it took me a while to get Pat to stop offering me help with distracting, useless information.

Eventually, I found the TV's remote, and I was easily able to reconfigure the TV to use its original working configuration.  Somehow, the TV was accidentally switched to use HDMI2 for input instead of HDMI1.  Once I updated the settings, there was another problem.  Pat didn't know how to get to YouTube TV.  There are two similar icons in Roku that access YouTube related services, and I had to figure out which one to use.  Again, Pat got in the way of this when I told her which icon NOT to use before finding the correct icon to use for her to get the TV programming she wanted.  She wanted to know WHY she shouldn't use the icon and wouldn't stop trying to get an answer when I was telling her to simply not use the icon.  AARGH!  As much as I'd be a bad teacher, she'd be a student that I'd flunk because she can't master the material.  A minute later, I found the icon, and Pat was happy.

Next, leave it to Pat to get totally confused when using Netflix.  After one logs into Netflix, one is presented with a featured program, a description of it, and the option to select other movies/shows in its library. When I tried to explain what is on the screen, she couldn't find anything - and she was looking at the screen.  For example, the phrase "now trending" (or something like that) was in the middle of the screen on the left, she couldn't find it - even when I walked over to the screen and pointed it out. After scrolling down, I'd say: "remember where 'now trending' was found?" and she couldn't remember where it was to find the next topic.  She is totally hopeless with technology, and needs someone with infinite patience to guide her in its use.

By the time we were finished with the TV, I was in no mood to help Pat install a new printer on her new Apple computer.  Pat would be less than helpful with the installation process, and even if I were able to install the printer on her Apple, I'd likely have problems that I couldn't diagnose or repair remotely. (I use a PC, and can use tools I have to fix things remotely if needed.  Unfortunately, they don't work with Apple equipment.)  The last thing I need is to get sucked into being Apple tech support for her. So, I'm glad that this didn't happen on this visit.

PS: On an unrelated note, I found out that I wasn't receiving notifications for comments needing moderation.  I've done so for about 20 posts.  Sorry I missed so many of them over the months!

 

 

 

 

Final results, some lunch, and a chair

 

As I start this entry, I can finally that there is a light at the tunnel for us transgender folk. Our 45th president has been declared to have lost the presidential election, and our national nightmare is almost over.  This doesn't mean that we've won the war against regressive elements in society.  Instead, we now have denied the worst elements of our society a key friendship with someone with access to the levers of power. But this entry is not about the trouble caused by our 45th president.  Instead, today's discussion is about a more mundane subject - a date with FH that had us going to Beacon, NY with a return trip to Forest Hills to assemble a chair.

Last week, FH asked me to order a chair from Staples, as she couldn't receive a delivery during the day.  As much as I was a bit reticent about doing this, I agreed to do so.  However, it took me until late Wednesday night to place the order for the chair, and it came on Friday morning before I went for a 4 mile walk along the Croton Aqueduct Trail with my friend DS.  Once home, I realized that I had to clean up much of the disaster my apartment had turned into over the past few months, so that I wouldn't be excessively embarrassed if FH came inside for a minute.

The next day was our date. I did some last minute cleanup, and then drove down to Yonkers to meet FH.  She hadn't been to Yonkers in years, and was surprised that the old Nathan's Famous was no longer there.  In its place is now a much more modest venue, with other stores occupying the land the original building once used.  After taking care of some business, it was off to Cold Spring to do some walking around and then grabbing a bite to eat.

It took us an hour to reach Cold Spring, but there was nowhere to park.  The municipal lot was full, and the town was full of people walking around, enjoying a warm November day.  After a few rounds through town, we were unable to find a place to park.  So it was off to Beacon for lunch and some exploration.

There is a Thai restaurant near the dummy light in Beacon that is pretty good.  So we found a nearby parking space and ambled over to it.  While walking there, a group of cars passed by, people honking their horns in a celebratory manner.  Joe Biden had just been declared the winner of this year's presidential election by several networks (finally!), and people celebrated as if a house had fallen on an ugly Wiccan practitioner from the West, with an opportunity for someone to acquire a gently used pair of red shoes.  Once done with lunch, we explored Beacon a little before starting the long drive home.

On the way home, we decided to pass through Cold Spring again, and again, no parking was to be found in town. We were now off to Forest Hills, and to assemble the chair that was loaded in my car.  When we finally reached FH's apartment building, we were extremely lucky - there was a parking spot open directly in front of the entrance to her building.  We unloaded the box containing the chair, and brought it up to her apartment.  A few minutes inside the apartment, we started to open the box and put the chair together.  As expected, we encountered a few glitches before getting the chair assembled. But all went relatively smoothly, and we were able to watch our future president's "victory speech" while we have each other massages.  

Although I am not sure of where things will go, if they will go, etc., FH is a nice woman to be with.  However, I also have to see where FL wants to go, as I am still not sure of which of these two women I want to be with. 

PS: FL and I had a discussion shortly after I wrote this entry.  My dual-gendered nature is something more than she can handle.  So we've agreed to remain good friends.

 

 

 

 

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Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes....

 

How many of you remember this scene from M*A*S*H?  It is a classic.  The character in the center intends to commit suicide because he has suffered his first ever case of erectile dysfunction.  The song, "Suicide is Painless" has been called "the stupidest song ever written".  Although Robert Altman made only $70,000 for directing M*A*S*H, his son made $1,000,000 for having co-written the song.

Why do I bring up this song?

Recently, I was in a Zoom meeting with some friends, and I start reciting the lyrics to this song. Unfortunately, I touched a raw nerve with one of these friends, as I did not know that her mom had committed suicide. The other friends on the Zoom meeting understood where I was going, and didn't pay it much mind. But I knew that I touched a third rail with this friend.

One of the things I learned years ago from watching George Carlin in Peekskill was that a good comedian's banter may offend some people unintentionally.  I had done just that in my Zoom meeting.  Although I was able to recover and apologize, I now know this person's sore point from which she has never recovered.  Given the other things I know about her, I can understand how she has lived her life without falling in love with (or being loved by) someone nice.

As much as I can bitch and moan about things, I can still consider myself lucky.  Both of my parents died of "typical" causes (Mom from heart disease, and Dad from the Coronavirus), and not "unnatural" causes (such as a car accident or suicide).  My wife died of cancer.  Had she lived, I don't know if I could have taken the chance on going out in this world as Marian.