The end is near (or has come, by the time you read this).

 

The 2020 US Census.  There has been a lot of controversy surrounding this census both due to the pandemic and to the political leadership in charge of it.  I do not plan to discuss the politics of the census, as it has been covered much better elsewhere.  Instead, I will discuss my feelings about the census and the people I've met while working there.

 

When I first was in contact with the census bureau, I was up for two jobs.  One was an assistant manager position in charge of resolving technology related issues.  The other was for a clerical position, a position whose main responsibility was to recruit enumerators to do the decennial head count.  The former position was one I'd have done in my male presentation, as that could be a way for me to reenter the world of technology.  The latter position was the one I took, a position which I was allowed to come to work as a female.

 

Although its obvious that I am a transgender person, I was always treated with respect. And I earned the respect of many people there, as I was one of the go-to people to whom questions were posed to get problems resolved.  I enjoyed resolving problems with common sense solutions.  Recruitment was another issue - I hated reading off the awkward script provided us to use, especially when redundant questions were asked of the potential employees. However, recruiting helped me a great deal - it taught me what I needed to do to keep my voice sounding somewhat feminine over the course of a long day.

 

One of the first people I met was a woman whose own son is transgender. It was she who gave me the confidence to go to work presenting as female for the first time. And I'll always be grateful to her for the information that allowed me to be my authentic self at work. Next, was a woman whose goal was to work two or three months, earn a few dollars, and then start travels across the country in an RV with her husband, staying away from home for months at a time. Sadly, the pandemic put a hold on that dream. When people returned to the office after the 6 week pandemic break, both of these women were no longer coming to the office.  However, new people started coming in, including a woman who was born in Brazil.  She's a person who I'll likely be in contact with long after the census, as she is a very interesting person. Later on, we hired a woman from Mount Vernon, someone who could be a traveling partner if I were to go to the right cities.

 

Some people there are a little bit strange.  There is one man who seems to carry everything he owns in his car. In a way, he reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who started doing this after her separation from her ex-husband. Another person had a voice like a foghorn. Although she is a good person, her style rubbed a few people the wrong way.  Many people appreciated the peace and quiet in the office when she was not around.  There were two men with whom I could have serious intellectual conversations, and I wish there was a good way to keep in contact with them.   

 

As I write this, we've started the shut down process for the office.  Through a good part of the day, I was destroying messenger bags that enumerators carried while going door to door on their assignments.  It's a shame that we are doing this, but the census needs to make sure that no one has the tools to impersonate a legitimate employee.  Much of the printed paperwork unique to the 2020 census will be sent out to be destroyed. And other items will be given to other government entities.  It's only a matter of time before the office door is locked for good.

 

I'll miss this place.  It helped keep me sane during the worst part of the pandemic, and distracted me when I dwelled too much in thoughts of my ex-girlfriend.  The people were all decent people, and for the most part, I'd be glad to work with most of them again.

 

 

 

I don't think I'll be cruising alone for a while.

 

The above is the itinerary of the last cruise I took with my former cruise partner.  Almost everything about cruising will have changed by the time I take my next cruise due to the pandemic. Until they address the needs of solo travelers on cruises, I guess I won't be going on a cruise anytime soon.

This cruise was a disaster because of the problems my cruise partner and I had.  She had broken up with her boyfriend and I was ambivalent about taking this cruise.  If I had to do it all over again, I'd have passed on this cruise and spent my money on a trip to Washington, DC. At least, I'd have had an enjoyable trip and have had one more friend I could talk to during the worst of the pandemic.

Recently, one of the ladies I've been dating scheduled us for a cruise to Bermuda sometime next year.  Although she may have been jumping the gun a little, it is early enough for her to get her entire deposit back if things go sour between us before then.  Yet, it will be a strange cruise for me.  First, it'll be a cruise where I'll have to present as Mario for several days.  Second, it'll be a cruise with the new pandemic protocols - things I don't like, but would live with to cruise again with a partner. For example, the embarkation/debarkation routines will be much more rigid, so that people can be socially distanced while getting on/off the ship. Once on the ship, social distancing will be enforced. And there will likely be no sharing of tables between multiple groups/individuals.  One of the things I liked most about cruising was the opportunity to meet new people. That will be much harder to do when the cruise line is trying to keep people apart for health reasons. At least, I'll have a travel partner for this upcoming cruise, someone I can talk with while enjoying the cruise.

When I am alone on a cruise, I like to chat up people I meet while dining. Sometimes, I'll go to the bar to have a drink, and meet people there. One of my pen pals is a woman I met on a solo cruise, and I never would have met her while pandemic health protocols are being enforced.  From what I've read, the lounge chairs at pool side will be limited, and one may need to schedule time to be in the pools.  I can only imagine whether the ships will limit people in the hot tubs as well.  It will not be as much fun to be on a cruise as it was before the pandemic.

There is a phrase which is almost always true in any situation:

This Too Shall Pass.

And I'm hoping that by the time I turn 65, that we will have returned to a new normal, and that most of the pandemic protocols can finally be relaxed because they are no longer needed.  We can only home, and work towards that goal....

 

It was a long day for me....

 

Today was a busy day for me. It was the last 8 hour day at the census.  It was a short visit with the folks from my Thursday night gaming sessions.  And it was dinner with Vicki.  By the time I got home, I was totally exhausted and unable to pay any attention to a book I was trying to read, or to the TV on in the background.

Starting off the day, I woke up before the alarm clock and proceeded to get ready for work.  This would be the last day I officially had to be on site by 7:00 am, and I knew I'd be exhausted all day. As usual, I arrived at the office a few minutes late (don't tell my boss), and proceeded to surf the web all day.

After a quick attempt at napping, I drove to Yonkers to see my game night friends for what be my only chance to see them until next spring. The visit was way too short, and if I didn't have dinner scheduled with Vicki, I'd have stayed until the sun went down. But 6:00 came way too soon, and dinner was scheduled for 7:30 in Mahopac.

Picking Vicki up around 7:00, we got to dinner on time.  However, it was a blessing that the restaurant wouldn't allow us to open the bottle of wine Vicki brought with her.  We chatted about many things over dinner, not discussing the elephant in the room: What do I do with FH and FL? How do I sort things out?  So, on the ride home, we finally chatted about that.

When we got to Vicki's house, we chatted about relationships, and I learned something about her and about myself.  Vicki has strong feelings about my ex-girlfriend, and tends to get into a lecturing session if the ex comes up.  I only wanted to reference her in context of the other two ladies, and it triggered something in Vicki.  But Vicki mentioned something in passing about someone we once knew - the fellow who introduced us said I was cheap, and the ex mentioned that in her "nastygram" to me on my birthday.  

Am I cheap?  Frugal yes, but I don't think excessively cheap.  I only wish I had a person who knew me well enough to give me honest and objective feedback.

 

A talk about adult toys

 

Today's discussion will be relatively quick.  No, I'm not going to perform a review of female adult toys. With my current plumbing arrangement, I couldn't even begin to make a reasonable evaluation of said toys. But I can talk about a discussion which recently took place between me and three other ladies in regard to such toys.

As I've written before, I am a regular participant in a Zoom Meetup with a Texas based group.  They know me only as Marian, and treat me as a female.  So it was a pleasant surprise when I was included in a conversation about vibrators. And this review of a vibrator from Tracy's Dog had me laughing and made me wish even more that I was born with the "alternate plumbing configuration."  One of the ladies in this chat said that several of her friends own the vibrator and can testify to its value in inducing orgasms.  So I submit this link, so that my readers can buy something similar as a gift for their girlfriends.

 

Even when things go wonderfully right, they go wrong

 

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to compose a letter I want to send to someone who once was special to me.  Inside this letter, I mention something important - if we ended a romance when we should have, I'd be asking my closest friend for important advice instead of feeling sad about a friendship that ended poorly.

Why do I mention this?

This weekend, I had dates with two ladies. Both of them are interested in me. Both would be good choices for me.  Both know about me in my masculine and feminine presentations.  And I was reminded of this joke:

Shortly after Utah statehood, a young Mormon man was in love with his two prospective brides, Katherine and Edith, and wanted to marry them both.  However, he was not aware of the most recent revelation coming from the church in Salt Lake City when he brought his two fiancees to the local LDS church to be married to him.

He approached the minister of his church and asked him to perform the marriage ceremony.  The minister said that he couldn't perform the dual ceremony. And the young man asked the minister

"Why?"

The minister replied:

"Son, you should know that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Yes, this is a corny joke, but it illustrates the dilemma I now have.  On one date, I ended up in a very heavy petting session, where if we had been at either of our apartments, we'd have been going at it like rabbits.  On the other date, we were about to break up, as she found my Marian Mode personal ad and was upset at me - but wanted to stay friends. This would have solved my dilemma of having one too many girl friends.  However, we went back to her apartment, where I showed the physical connection that this woman was looking for. So we ended up chatting, and not breaking up after all

As I said, either woman would be a very good choice for me.  But I can't have them both - none of us are polyamorous. If my dad were alive, he'd tell me what I could do without providing me a solution to my problem. Sadly, I no longer have him to ask for advice.  And this is a time I really wish I could ask him for urgently needed advice.  How do I figure out which one is best for me?

.

Things are warming up

 

It was a day off from the census, and I decided to accompany FL to see a house she was thinking of renting on the Jersey shore.  There is a big difference between driving 90 minutes through the Hudson Valley to see my ex girlfriend and 120 minutes driving through New Jersey to reach FL.  And I know that this will become a factor in the relationship as it develops....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have to think of how I will extricate myself from FH.  She's a nice woman, but I don't think I want to deal with the headaches of a girlfriend who can't drive and won't use mass transit in the age of COVID-19.  Yes, she's willing to spend $70+ on an Uber to get to Westchester.  But I don't like the idea of driving to the Catskills, then drive her back to Long Island.  Something bothers me, and it's related to the inconveniences of dating someone who has limited transit mobility at a time mass transit poses an infection risk.

In regard to FL, the drive to Brick and back was a way of seeing whether FL could be comfortable with me in Marian Mode.  Even though there was no hanky-panky, she was comfortable putting her hand in mine and laying it on my skirted leg.  This is a very positive sign.  Yes, the first time we get intimate, I'll be dressed as Mario. But she has no objection for me to be dressed as Marian.  

In many ways, my ex may have done me a favor by breaking up with me.  FL is making an effort to be comfortable with me both as Marian and as Mario.  I only wonder - is there something I should be concerned about that I'm not sensing?

 

 

Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.

As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended.  Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was.  Others wanted to change me into something they wanted.  And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship.  In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.

- - - - - -

In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before.  Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before.  But I am much more comfortable with them now.  Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.

Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with.  The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore.  The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person.  And that's a shame for both of us.

Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out.  One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing.  Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own.  And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made?  If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with.  There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.

When I was married, I never had to worry about this.  I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made.  So she always had some input in the form of advice.  Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis.  But I can't and won't live in the past.

Do I wish I still had someone special to care for?  Yes.  But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by.  Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....