A second night out with a new meetup group

 

 

 

As you can see, I'm having a great time with the girls.  This is the second time I've been with this meetup group, and I've been made to feel welcome again.  Yes, it's a group that Mario could have attended, but I fit in much more as Marian, with the exception of my size.  (It's another reason for me to figure out how to lose some weight.)

 

Some people wonder why I'd have rather been born with a female body.  It's not extreme dysphoria as some transgender people suffer.  Instead, it's the social role of women - they are the glue that hold societies together.  Their conversations are more interesting, and they often involve the nitty gritty of life that men usually ignore.  (Don't get me wrong, I'd have rather had all the inconveniences and headaches of being a typical woman in order to have lived life as one.) 

I figure that one day, I'll have to make some hard choices.  Until then, I'll have an interesting life observing how different and/or similar life is on both sides of the gender coin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where is Superman when you need him?

 

The once ubiquitous phone booth.  Once, they were all over the place.  Now, they are a rarity - especially wooden booths.  And this one was spotted in Bethel, CT about a decade ago in a small theater.  At least we know of one place where Clark Kent could change into Superman without problems.

Why do I mention Superman?  Well, there are many people who want a strong leader to deliver us from the morass we have been in.  Although the economy has been improving for most of us, there are many people being left behind - and many of these people are Trump supporters.  As a TG person, this bothers me a great deal.  The social coalition which supports this wannabe tyrant consists of people who'd impose their brand of theocracy on the whole nation - and put people like me at great risk.

It's hard to believe that DC comics once had Superman reminding us that America is supposed to be a pluralistic society.  Today, a message like this would be dismissed as leftist propaganda, and not a statement of core American ideals.  This is so sad.  Maybe, we need a real life Kal-El to become a modern age immigrant from another planet and remind us what our core beliefs were and should be again.  But then, I'd bet that half of this nation would label him as an illegal alien.

A night at the prom

 

 

 

As you can see, I stand out from average sized women.  But I'm accepted in my presentation.  It's a nice feeling to know that one can be accepted for who she is inside.  But this may also be a reflection of my personality as Marian, as Vicki has noted that I am much more at home as Marian than I am being Mario.

 

I'd love to have two people no longer in my life to see the above picture taken at the FTF meetup group's 2021 Prom.  Even better, I'd have loved for one of them to be at this meetup.  No, it's not to impose Marian on this person.  Instead, it's to show this person that there is nothing to be embarrassed about in being with me. 

 

You'll notice that I am in the back of this picture of the women from the FTF meetup group.  The caption on the website labels us the women of the prom, plus one photo bomber.  At one time later on, several of the women got me up and dancing.  Even more fun, one fellow took me to dance with him shortly after this picture was taken.  (No, my gender preference hasn't changed.  But it was fun to have a man treat me as a woman.)  

Although I didn't bother to correct this picture for the background light, you can easily see that my "friend" wanted another picture of me with him.  And I gladly complied.  There was one thought in the back of my mind that I made sure to not act on.  It would have been a fun picture to have taken with me kissing him by surprise.  But several bad things could have come of it, so I let this innocuous shot be taken.

It was a fun evening, and I hope to do this again next year.

Jury Duty - Deferral Requested

This is what a SDNY (Southern District of New York) Federal Jury Duty summons looks like.  The bottom part of the form has been cropped, so that my private information isn't made public.  This will be the second time I'm asking for a deferral, and I need it for two reasons: (1) I expect that we'll be very busy at the office dealing with headaches from a new customer. (2) I don't want to travel to Lower Manhattan during the summer on potentially overcrowded subway cars on the Lexington Avenue line.

Travel to this courthouse takes me about 2 hours.  If I find it hard enough to get up by 6 am to be at work at 8, imagine how much of a pain in the ass it will be for me to get up by 5:30, to be in court by 8:30.  People from Northern Westchester are expected to go downtown, while people North of me are allowed to go to White Plains.  This is not fair.  But we are stuck with a system that is geared to impose hardships on the jurors, and make it easy for every other stake holder involved in court cases.  No wonder why people try so hard to get out of jury duty.

The last two times I went to this courthouse for jury duty, I "served" by being available for a grand jury, but not being picked.  (I like to imagine that this grand jury may have been investigating some of Trump & associates' crimes.)  Last time, it was just before the pandemic struck.  And I wasn't going to give up $194/day (before taxes) to get a measly $50/day plus a 4 hour round trip commute.  So I asked for a deferral, and the pandemic gave me a year's reprieve.  Now, I am asking for a short deferment, so that my service can be scheduled for cooler months.  At that time, I will go into serve (dressed as Marian), and get this duty over and done with.  Since a winter jury duty service will excuse me from being called for 4 years, I figure that with the right use of deferment requests, that I might reach 70 years of age before I get a "Must Serve" request.  And if that's the case, I will have successfully avoided service at this god-awful location.

This chicken crossed the road to get some food....

 

This chicken did more than cross the road today.  But then, he knew that he could scarf up a lot of fatty food hanging out near people at the Walkill Valley Winery.

- - - - - -

This weekend was one spent in Mario mode.  Just as well.   It makes it easier for me to go dating.  But there are some people with whom I don't feel comfortable talking about my dating life - and one of them has been upset at me for not opening up about this. Recently, I told this one person about FH, saying that I had an argument with someone who was too comfortable with confrontation, and that I decided to shut FH out from my life.  What I didn't say is that FH wrote me another text today noting that I shouldn't have cut her off without explanation after a year of being together, and saying that I need psychological help. I also didn't say that I have a letter I am sending her via snail mail to explain my feelings in regard to our argument.  One thing I will say is that if I am in an argument and that the woman doesn't listen to me when I say that if she continues along this path, that I will sever communication with her - that I mean what I say even in the heat of an argument.

Saturday was a day spent with a woman I'll call LMW.  We agreed to get together at 1:30-2, and we were together until almost midnight.  I have to be careful of going too far with her until I know I want to pursue the relationship.  Sunday was a day spent with a woman I'll call AMH.  We met at the winery at 1:00, and spent 3 1/2 hours there, enjoying some food, some wine, and some music.  Unfortunately, the trip home was marred by Sunday traffic on the bridges crossing the Hudson.  Right now, I won't say too much more about either of these women, save that they are nice women and would be decent choices for me.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable in regard to my job.  But I know that I'll have an awkward chat with my boss when it's time for me to move on with my life....

Conversations

 

A while back, someone asked me not to mention our conversations.  For the most part, I have complied with this person's request.  Yet, the underlying issues we discussed go unresolved.  Today, I feel that we will sever the last link between us in the near future.  If that happens, I plan to discuss what I've kept under wraps only for courtesy reasons.

But enough of that for now.

One of the reasons I am concerned about conversations with women I've dated is to see if there is a natural give and take between the two parties.  I could never live with someone like TCL, as she runs on at the mouth sometimes, and rarely gives way to let the other person speak.  Women like FH are opinionated, and are not that open minded.  My former cruise partner appeared to be open minded until I screwed up our friendship, and then her true views started to come out.  As much as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can judge the quality of a person by the quality of conversation he/she is able to make.

There are many qualities of conversation.  For example, people feel most comfortable when chat flows easily, and that any "challenge" is within acceptable levels.  For example, guys bantering around talking sports may argue whether Babe Ruth or Willie Mays was the greatest baseball player.  (For the record, I say Babe Ruth is the greatest "all around" ball player, as he could pitch as well as he could hit.  If he stayed a pitcher, he likely would have achieved his place in Cooperstown on his pitching record alone.)  But when a person feels that he/she is out of his/her league, then things get awkward.

Friendly conversation does not come natural to me.  I do not have the social skills which attract many people.  Is it body language, conversation topics, or intensity of conversation?  That I'll likely never know. The one time I mentioned this issue to my former therapist, he dismissed it, focusing on my issues with food.  (He was an alcoholic in recovery, and saw everything life through that one lens.  I knew that there was much more to life than focusing on my food addiction, and was secretly glad when this man retired.) If I could live my life over, I'd have gone into therapy at an early adult age, focused on getting more education, looked for ways to develop my social skills, and looked for mentors to help me in my career growth.

My ex girlfriend's dinner group (the one she fought so hard to keep me out of) consists of a lot of single people.  So far, I've seen 3 of the regulars show up in my dating feeds.  Obviously, we wouldn't be good matches.  It would have been interesting had I been able to go there (in either of my modes) when my ex wasn't in attendance. That's water under the bridge, and I hope she's happy with the results of her campaign.  As for me, I'm living in the present and focusing on having nice chats with people from other groups.  At least in these groups, I've been made to feel welcome.

Will I ever be able to have a conversational style that makes me able to have a good chat with almost anyone?  I doubt it.  But it's a nice goal to have....

Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

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