Not much to say today

 

 

Today was a dreary day, where I wanted to stay in bed all day.  And for the most part, that's what I did until I had to get up and start taking care of laundry for the week.

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Normally, I try to get my weekly chores done on Sunday, as I reserve Saturday for being with friends. Some of these Saturdays, you'll find Mario going out on a date, hoping to make another love connection with someone who could become special.  Other Saturdays, you'll find me spending time with a friend, just to keep from getting too lonely.

Given that it was wet and foggy outside, I decided to go outside as Mario - only to shop for a few lunches I could eat during the week at work, and to go downstairs to wash a load of colors.  (I can do whites during the week, as I now spend 5-6 days per week as Marian, and don't need them as much.) Soon, I expect that I'll see the new resident in both of my modes.  But I was glad I didn't see her today, as her dad was helping her move in. (He used to work on my car until I got better scheduling of regular maintenance from other shops.)  Sometime later this year, I'll see if she wants to be part of the board, as she suggested that she'd be willing to help out with things.

Towards mid evening, I worked with a fellow board member, and showed her the ropes of using zoom for a meeting.  Now, she has the tools to run a meeting without my assistance - and that's a load off my back.

I wonder when this problem will be completely resolved.

I have to be careful in discussing this problem, as I am a member of the co-op's board of directors, and do not want to reveal any of the internal workings of the board.

- - - - - -

A few years back, we had a contractor erect a retaining wall to secure the land one of our buildings sits on. Once one of these walls is erected, most people take it for granted as it becomes part of the landscape. However, this is a big mistake.  People have been killed because retaining walls have failed.  In New York City, retaining walls should be inspected every 5 years by a licensed professional if they have a portion over 10 feet in height, or they face a public right of way.  If this had been done for one wall, it would likely have been repaired before failure, and Northbound traffic on the Henry Hudson Parkway below would not have been affected.

In our case, I feel that the remaining part of our retaining wall has to be replaced. This will likely add to our costs in keeping our land from eroding from under our building.  This is a critical repair, and contractors will need to work up bids for our co-op.  This takes time, as the costs of labor and material availability must factored into the total price, so that the contractor can make a profit. But there is a cost of regulation that also has to be factored into the price.  Regulations often imply "best practices" which many unlicensed firms ignore.  Given that board members act in a fiduciary capacity for a co-op, we need to make the best choice of contractor, the best choice of retaining wall options, and the best value for money spent.  The latter may be the most important consideration, as our co-op errs on the side of frugality.

Later in the morning, I did some research and sent an email with the following text to our board:

I did a search for information regarding retaining walls, and came up with this important piece of info.. New York City now requires all retaining walls that extend upwards of 10 feet OR are adjacent to a right of way to be inspected every 5 years. This was in response to the retaining wall collapse that caused the shutdown of the northbound lanes of the Henry Hudson Parkway in 2005.(?)  However, there is not much regulation outside NYC, and most of that seems to regard decorative walls and permits. 

Since our managing agent's site representative is supposed to do a walk through of the property on a periodic basis, would this imply that proper eyeball inspections of the wall had not been done, and would it also imply that needed licensed inspectors should have been periodically used to inspect this critical part of the co-op's physical infrastructure?

I feel that "Best Practices" should always be used by managing agents in the course of business.  Once NYC established a 5 year cycle for inspection, wouldn't this define a "Best Practice" for our managing agent to see that our retaining wall is inspected on a regular basis?  I would hope so.

More to come as things become public....
 

 

A trip into NYC

 

When I first worked in NYC many years ago, my friend WDS and I used to frequent this joint.  The food was always good, and the prices were always reasonable.  Today was my first chance to visit this place in years, and it didn't bring back any good (or bad) memories.  It was just another New York City restaurant that has weathered the pandemic, and has found a way to stay alive until things return to a new "Normal".

- - - - - -

FH and I had planned to visit Manhattan's Chinatown or Williamsburgh, Brooklyn today, and Manhattan won out.  So it was off to the core of the Big Apple, hitting every traffic jam along the way.  Once we reached Manhattan, FH's GI Tract started acting up, and we ended up in the West Village.  This is we found an on-street parking spot nearby several open restaurants.  And it was just in time, as FH had to take care of some urgent business.  With that out of the way, we sat down to enjoy a nice late lunch or early dinner.  

Considering that it was starting to get a little bit cooler after we ate, FH suggested that we head over to the Brooklyn Wegmans, so that she could pick up some food before going home. Unlike our previous visits, we had no problems finding a parking spot - Passover was starting, and most Jews were likely to be at home celebrating the holiday with family.  And then, FH's GI Tract acted up again.  So we cut our shopping run short, and went back to her place.   Unfortunately, there were no spaces available near her apartment, so I ended up going home earlier than either of us wanted.

The big thing of the day was a trip into NYC for dinner with a new friend.

 

It's hard to believe how empty Grand Central Terminal is these days.  It was the first time at GCT in over a year, and things have really changed due to the pandemic.  If I didn't know better, I might have thought things were "normal" based on how everything felt when I arrived.  Things felt too comfortable for comfort.  None of the usual crowds were milling about the terminal.  None of the food stands and news stands I usually counted on seemed to be open - as if they closed the terminal after rush hour ended.  And most of all, the relative quiet of the place compared to the old normal.

- - - - - -

I spent the whole work day in my usual tunic and trouser garments.  However, I was prepared for the evening, as I had pantyhose on underneath.  This way, I could change into my dress without the time consuming headache of donning hosiery when I needed the time for something else.  And I did need the extra time before catching the train into NYC, as I couldn't find my favorite scarf.  Why did I look for the scarf?  50 mph wind gusts.  The last thing I needed was for my hair to look shitty when meeting someone in person for the first time.

Luckily, I was able to make it to the local train station with a few minutes to spare.  While waiting, I noticed that Metro North was preparing a new platform to serve a track not accessible from the original platform.  (It looks like a temporary platform to me, but they could make it permanent in the future.)  The train came a minute afterward, and I was n my way into the city.

Arriving at the terminal, my first destination was an ATM.  However, Chase had moved its ATMs out of Grand Central and the closest Chase ATM was at a branch across the street.  (I was lucky to arrive 15 minutes early, as I needed the extra time to get some money.)  I was surprised when I found that the machine dispensed a $100 bill.  That C-Note won't be spent any time soon.  A few minutes later, I met my new friend and we walked to the restaurant. 

My friend realized that this restaurant was a different one than she expected to go to, but we had a pleasant meal.  Around 9:00, we walked back to GCT and we said our goodbyes.  Hopefully, she'll be interested in a friendship. If not, it was a nice evening with someone new.

Is it me?

 

A while back, an acquaintance of mine wondered why s/he was being avoided at gatherings. I tried to be tactful and shift the focus to other problems.  But the problem was mostly with this person.  S/he was loud, yet had little to say that interested people. This person focused on one of his/her traits as an explanation for half of the group avoiding this person.  But I didn't have the heart to explain things, or the energy to illustrate the nature of the problem.

- - - - - -

Several years ago, I attended one session of a women's group being formed.  Another woman (let's call her J for now) asked me for help with her group, then backed away very quickly when she found out I was transgender.  Over time, I have become open about my transgender nature, but was afraid to do so when I first started going out and about in the world.  So some people accepted me for the person I was, and others shunned me - like the person mentioned above.

When I had my dispute with my ex, the ex made sure that J had all the details (supporting the ex's point of view) to make her keep me out of the group.  Yet, she didn't expel me from the meetup list - she just wouldn't admit me to meetings.  J came into one of my groups, then said a few things to the ex as if I were making a big deal about being excluded.  (That is a great distortion.  But with a clique, distortions go far in keeping someone out.)  Eventually, the ex claimed that it was me who caused the former leader of the group (let's call her S for now) to quit leadership of the group.  Let's chalk the ex's statement up to being angry at me for wanting to join one of "her" meetups as if the ex owned them.  Yet, I'll give J some credit for her part in this affair - she was eventually willing to tell me how she felt, instead of being mute.

Later on in our dispute, the ex was making a big deal about me entering the secondary groups which were formed by members of the first group and made sure that the new leader of the group (let's call her L for now) kicked Marian out, but not Mario.  That was OK, as I wasn't immediately planning on going to the ex's favorite group until any romantic feelings I once had for the ex were gone.  For some unknown reason, Mario was later kicked out of the group without causing any trouble in the group or even visiting the group.  That was the catalyst that cause me to contact the ex, as she once said that I could go to the group as Mario.  Yet, in a way, I may have been lucky NOT to be able to go - for reasons I was thinking about the other day.

After I contacted the ex, I asked her if she asked L to exclude me.  The ex claimed she didn't, but the sudden unexplained exclusion didn't make sense to me (or others in my circle).  The ex made a big deal about showing me proof that she didn't ask L to kick me out.  I wonder if L was only trying to protect the ex from her feelings if I were to go there once as Mario.  Why didn't L have the courtesy to respond to my question of her?  I have more respect for J who would state what her feelings were, than for L who didn't. 

Recently, I had a conversation with Vicki, and we discussed intimacy in friendships vs. intimacy in romance.  The two are different things.  Both of us recognized the need for an occasional argument in the romance, as that forces things to the surface which might be suppressed for too long.  My friend DCD argues way too much with his girlfriend - almost every night.  I never argued with the ex until after we broke up.  DCD and his girlfriend had the flip side of my problem with the ex - poor communication without judgement, negotiation, or compromise.

- - - - - -

But back to the first person I mentioned....

During the worst of the pandemic, I received one contact from this person - and s/he had nothing to say.  When I wanted to mention the background of my problem with the ex, s/he had already taken the side of the ex before the call.  Was I ever really his/her friend?  Next time, if asked, I will answer this question ("Is it me?") directly but tactfully, and maybe help the person who asks it.

That leads me to the nature of the meetup group that was the focus of all the problems.  It was for Over 50's who are single.  Might the group be a self selecting group of people who have intimacy issues? (I have edited out my musings on intimacy for brevity.) If so, I might have been lucky to be excluded, as most of the group's regulars may either not know what real intimacy is, or not want it anymore.

As for the question of the day....  Yes, it could be me.  And I know what the "It" is, unlike the first person I mentioned.  For that, I am lucky.

 

 

 

 

PS: I do not check meetups to see if my ex is part of them, or whether she is going to anything I am interested in.  The one time I stumbled into her registration for an event was a fluke.  I wonder what will happen when we finally stumble into each other, as the odds would suggest. 

PPS: The first person I was writing about even writes loudly.  If you were to see an email from this person, you'd understand what I mean....

A quick note

The above picture is from one of those "you should have been there" moments.  Several years ago, I went to "Burlesque by the Beach" with YGM, and had a great time.  The lady in the picture was doing a pantomime of woman getting dressed while almost naked and the audience was having a great laugh.

- - - - - -

If I could turn back the clock, I'd probably turn it back to a time when YGM was here - and take advantage of the chance to be with this friend more often.  Now that she's in Florida, there's little chance we can get together at will.  That's OK, as she's been doing well down there.  But up here, I miss the days before Covid-19 struck the land.  And when "Normalcy" comes back, my normal will be very different from that I had several years ago.

Soon, I plan to publish a post about a friend who was never able to get out and about as the person she was inside.  She always lived in the shadows.  Even though I lost a lot over the past year or so, at least I had the chance to live as my authentic self.  And I have learned from my past, unlike many people I know.

It takes a lot to be able to withstand the attacks of people who don't understand you.  My friend was unable to do that.  She had to worry about a wife who didn't accept this part of herself, and couldn't break free of her cocoon.  I did.  Yet, I sometimes wonder if this has been worth what I lost in the process.  Given what I know about people, I think the people I lost in the process weren't secure enough in themselves to understand and accept someone like me.  

- - - - - -

Recently, I got a job working as Marian.  Several people I know wondered whether I was working as Mario or as Marian.  The big question is: "Why should it matter?"  I'm the same person no matter how I'm presenting at the moment.  If I were to get a different job, I might take it as Mario. (I know one job opening where I will apply as Mario.  But I'm not saying where for now.)

Looking back at the time I went to the show with YGM, I realized that the performer in the picture was more sure of who she was than most people I know.  One has to have confidence to perform almost naked in front of a group of people.  And she had that.  I wish more of us had the same....

Opening up a mystery box or two

 

I like the above picture of me.  In it, I almost look like a pretty old grandmother - and that pleases me. Yesterday, I received my mystery boxes from Universal Standard and got 7 items.  The 6 pictures below are the items I will likely wear.

 

(Mine is in Merlot)

The three dresses I received are all good for Fall/Winter wear, and I plan to try them out when the weather gets cooler.  Although the two items below will be good for summer, I am not sure if the shorts may be appropriate for wearing outside.  I will check with Vicki before wearing them.

 

(Mine is in Merlot)

From what you can see in the above pictures, was it worth $200 to get these quality garments?  It was a gamble I might not take again, but I'll answer that question later in the year.  My friends in Texas game me the thumbs up on the boxes, so I think I may have been lucky....