My arm was stuck, and I didn't notice a thing!

 

I just got one of the above cards.  However, my card has my name, information about my first shot on the front, as well as my next appointment date on the rear.  Since some of the information may need to be kept private until we have "vaccination passport" apps, I plan to guard this card with my life for now.

When I made my vaccination appointment, the Yonkers site had just opened up for residents outside of the "cities" of Yonkers and Mt. Vernon.  New York's vaccination scheduling website still implied that appointments were still limited to residents of the two cities.  So I wasn't sure if I was going to be allowed to get my shot there.  As a consequence of this, I kept my appointment in South Queens until I was vaccinated.

The Yonkers vaccination site is in a decidedly "low rent" neighborhood.  Along North Broadway and Warburton Avenue, it's easy to see the urban blight that is often found in big cities. This site is a short walk from the Phillipse Manor Hall Historic Site, but I wouldn't be comfortable taking that walk - even in daylight. Luckily there was enough parking nearby, and I easily found a parking spot across from the vaccination site.  It felt strange driving down one of Yonkers' many hills, seeing the riverfront "high rent" district from a place (in walking distance, without considering hills) whose residents do not have much hope.

Entering the site was easy.  All I had to do was show my ID and my appointment confirmation.  Of course, when I'm presenting as a female, I have to identify myself as "Gender Nonconforming", so that others realize that I am rightfully using my male identification and paperwork.  Several people along the way asked me to show my paperwork, but this wasn't an issue for me.  I assumed that people wouldn't hassle me because of my feminine presentation, and I was right.  Virtually everyone addressed me as "Ma'am" until I had to show my ID, and even then, they kept addressing me as a female.  The only questions I was asked when sitting down for the shot were the important ones: Was this my first shot? Do I have any allergies? Do I understand the risks of this "emergency approved" vaccination?  From start to finish, it took me less than 30 minutes - 15 minutes of which were observations for adverse reactions to the shot.

- - - - - -

Recently, ex-presidents Carter, Clinton, Bush #43, and Obama made public service videos to encourage ALL Americans to get vaccinated, making sure that they were all seen getting their shots in public.  A noted absence in the ex-presidential public service message ranks was Trump.  When he finally spoke up to encourage people to get vaccinated, he waffled - trying to keep the loyalty of the Anti-Vaxers. It sickens me to think that he'd remind people that they can choose NOT to get their arms stuck, when we need to achieve herd immunity quickly.  At least, I don't feel that I'm at risk of dying from this virus anymore....

On Easter, some people must be blind

The above picture was taken on Easter, when I drove an hour to get together with the Fun Time Friends.  The fellow in the picture went out of his way to get another picture taken with me.  I wonder what he sees, and I wonder what's on his mind.  But, if he were to invite me out, I'll politely decline.  I'll make up some story about seeing some gentleman near me that I've known from childhood, and hope that he backs off.

- - - - - -

This is the first time that I've looked into a picture taken by someone else and started to see something resembling a feminine form.  The more I live a good deal of my life as a woman, the more that I'll experience both the good and bad sides of what cisgender women experience every day.  Sometimes, it can be something as simple as having to wait for a restroom stall to free up.  And at other times, it may be something as risky as having to be on a poorly lit street waiting for a bus to come by.  There are so many good and bad scenarios I can think of, that I won't even try to make a list of them here.

One thing I can say when I look at my face in the picture is that this is the face of a confident woman. In a sense, I can understand why the ex girlfriend broke up the relationship - she was afraid of what this path of life would do to me.  When given a choice between courage and fear, I chose courage while she chose fear.  But enough of her already, as I mention her only in passing.

Does the above picture of me show someone who can exude confidence?  I'm not sure, but it is the picture of a person who hasn't yet developed her own style.  Over the past 8 years, I know what I want to look like when I go out the door, and I know what I need to look like to blend in with other women.  Yes, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am in life.  But, in certain ways, I feel better now than I did a decade ago.  (This is not true in all areas of my life.  It is my growth as Marian that is helping to give Mario reasons to have hope.)

As I like to say, when the Easter Bunny brings you some eggs, make sure that you ask:

Chicken Eggs or Cadbury Eggs?

And then act accordingly....

 

I woke up and saw something weird.

This morning, I received a very strange message from FH:

stop stalking my page
you can tell who is looking at your page
i don't like it

When I looked at her Facebook page, she had unfriended me.  Here's the quandary - I never look at her Facebook page, except when she posts a picture that she wants me to "Like".

So I wonder if she's been looking at each and every one of my Facebook friends, then examining anything posted.  If so, then I can guarantee that she is not the type of person I want to be with for the long term.  It's bad enough that she focuses on my heritage, as if I deny part of my background (which I don't).  But she never seems to be happy with me.  Or, at least, I feel this way when she sounds disappointed when uncontrollable things go wrong (such as an accident that causes a major traffic jam) causing me to be late to arrive.  

If she found this website by hunting through every one of my links, then so be it.  But I'd have liked (and deserved) a better explanation than what she posted. 

- - - - - -

Later on in the day, we exchanged a couple of text messages.  She sees me at the top of her "bubbles" (the icons for contacts and for chats, as I'd call them) and thinks that I'm always on her FB page.  I hate breaking the news to her, but I rarely look at her site and will post "likes" on her posts when they are mirrored to my news feed.

Right now, this is not a big deal to me whatever happens.  I think she was very tired when she made her first posts, and didn't know much about how FB ranks contacts.  (Heck, I still get my ex girlfriend coming up near the contact list after 5 years of us being together, followed by over a year of being apart.)

PS: I talked with FH later on, and she noted she was a little woozy after taking her sleeping pills, as well as being a little confused.  So, we will likely try and go to the restaurant we wanted to go to last week and try for another nice meal.

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.

 

A day I could sleep late

 

 

 

This was a day where I had the option of getting up late, and I took advantage of it.  Originally, FH and I were supposed to out for a nice dinner at the Milleridge Inn on Long Island,but her stomach was feeling a little queasy, so we made other plans for the evening.  However, I'll be picking up dinner on the way down, as well as stopping at the pharmacy to pick up some meds for FH.

Every little thing conspired to add time to the front end of my day, and I took advantage of it by doing laundry shortly after I got up - around 11 am.  This frees up some time tomorrow, so that I can go to an Easter Dinner with the FTF Meetup group in Connecticut without worrying about having to do laundry when I get home.  

 

This is the second week in a row that FH has not been feeling well.  Last week, her GI Tract was forcing her to stay near a rest room all the time we were at Wegmans.  Today, she was getting over another problem which may have been related to food poisoning the night before.  Normally, I wouldn't think this an issue.  But TCL planted a tickler that hasn't yet gotten out of my mind.  Could she be looking for an opening to start looking for someone "better"?  If so, then I hope she drops the hammer sooner than later, as this will free up my Saturdays for other activities.

 

If FH weren't in the picture for this evening, I'd likely have gone for a walk on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  It would have been a perfect day to have gone out for a walk.  I wasn't going to drive 60+ miles North, then drive another 100+ miles South for an evening date.  Could I have done something local?  Yes, but I relished my sleep.  So, if the weather is good tomorrow morning, I might do something along the Putnam Rail Trail before showering, shaving, etc. to make myself look good for the FTF meetup to be held later that day.

One thing I know about tomorrow: Most of the day will be spent as Marian.  And that's a good thing.  I should be able to do my nails again before dinner, and look as pretty as possible when I see these people for the first time in months.

 

A question came to mind: Do I mind presenting as Mario?  The answer is no, but it's because I'm making a trade off when I do so.  I wouldn't give up being Marian part time.  But I'd retain the ability to be Mario part time if it meant I could have a healthy romantic life.  Last night, I had to strip off my nail polish for tonight's evening with FH.  And I didn't mind doing this to be with her.  I just wonder what's going on in her head....

I finally got some papers notarized.

 

A few years ago, my friend Maria asked me to do a boudoir photo shoot so that she could print one of my pictures and give it to her husband as an anniversary gift.  In a way, this is my favorite shot, as shows a vulnerable side she rarely shows to people.  Of course, the picture shows that I am an amateur photographer, as no one should be consciously aware of how a scene is lit.

- - - - - -

Today, Maria and I finally had the chance to meet for a few minutes in person.  I needed her to notarize my signature on a form I need to send in, so that I can claim my share of the funds in my late father's IRA. So we scheduled an after work get together at a McDonald's near her house.

As usual, my work day was 8 hours of electronic "Whack-a-Mole",  Luckily, I had a good sleep the night before, and was able to get through the day without falling asleep at my desk too often.  This is a job that I go to for two reasons only: (1) Money and (2) Something to occupy my time during the day.  Do I enjoy the job?  Not really.  But I don't hate it either.  I should have looked for a part time job, so that I'd have more time in my life to schedule and do the things I want to do.

Luckily, I get out at 4:30, and can beat rush hour choke points on the way home, and on my way up North.  That is what I did, making it to Fishkill an hour before Maria and I were supposed to meet.  So I went shopping at the local Walmart to kill time, then I drove to the McDonald's to meet Maria.

This turned out to be a very quick meeting with Maria.  It was freezing outside, and we both had other things to do.  Her notary stamp was giving her trouble, so she had to stamp the form twice.  Hopefully, that won't be a problem when I send it in to the bank.  At least, I'm all done for now.

- - - - - -

Afterwards, I went looking for a place where a food truck is going to be next week.  Ever since I've heard of Cousins Maine Lobster before, and I wanted to try something from their food trucks.  Every time one is nearby, I'm scheduled to be elsewhere.  So I went to Hopewell, thinking that the truck was going to be there today.  And I was surprised to find another food truck there.  Since I was "in for a penny, in for a pound," I decided to try a grilled shrimp Po'Boy sandwich.  The sandwich was so messy, that I figured that it would be best eaten at home.  And 45 minutes later, that's just what I did.  It was yummy.  But the next time I order from this truck, I'll ask for a few less greens so that the sandwich is easier to eat.

On the way home, I talked with the woman who used to run a store I used to shop at.  We were getting along fine, but something she said was a hint that she couldn't deal with the Marian side of me.  Oh, well.  I haven't put a few years' investment into this relationship, so I'll have little to be upset about if she reacts negatively to my reveal.

Once I finished eating, I decided to make reservations for the dinner I plan to have with FH tomorrow.  She deserves to go to a nice place once in a while, and I'm glad I can take her there tomorrow.  FH may not be the one for me in the long term, but I like her - and that's what counts.

It's always something, isn't it?

 

Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update.  This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind."  Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.

On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions.  My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems.  My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult.  I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people.  (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life.  Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)

Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear?  Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led.  I was once one of these people.  Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.  

My dreams have always been modest.  Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power.  But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me.  So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist.  The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment.  And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.

Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years.  She is truly unique.  She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be.  No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does.  But I am envious of someone who can do so....