Thoughts on a VCR and on Travel

 

Ever since I started pulling wires to disconnect my old DVD player and connect a new one, I have not yet been able to get my old VCR to work.  The VCR is rarely used, but I want to be able to use it once in a while to play a tape of my late wife and I on a TV show.  As much as I'm starting to care for RQS, I will always miss my late wife and how she made my life better.

Although I think I have everything set up right, I know that I'm overlooking something.  I am very lucky to have had this poor quality recording, as it is all I have left of my wife, save for a few tiny pictures.  In the future, all there will be left of me will be a few pictures and the remnants of my thoughts on the blog entries I've posted.  This is normal in life.  From dust to dust, as they say....

Right now, I feel I have a few more good years left in my life.  Over the next two or three years, I plan to go on at least three to five more cruises, plus do some more land trips that I never have had the time or money to do in the past. For example, I will be doing another New England/Eastern Canada cruise soon.  And shortly afterwards, I'll be doing a Hawaii cruise on my own.  If all goes right, sometime next year, I will be doing a Panama Canal cruise with RQS.  Then I hope that we will be able to take some trips to South America (think: cruising by the Tierra del Fuego), Iceland, and Great Britain (with a Westbound crossing on the Queen Mary 2). At that point, I have to determine how much money we can spend on travel while we are both healthy enough to take bucket list trips.

When I went on my last cruise, the ship I was on had only 2 US type electric sockets.  In today's world, this is not enough.  By watching one vlog, I found out that the ship we're cruising on has USB ports on both sides of the bed.  If that's true, we will not need to play games with the extension core I use for my CPAP machine.  

It's nice to know that no matter what happens, that the world will keep moving forward when I'm long gone.  Let's hope that time does not come soon....

Anotther day with not much to say.

 

It's been over a decade since this picture was taken.  Things have changed a lot since then.  For example, I was afraid to be seen in any garment associated with femininity, and was overly careful on my first excursions "out".   Now, I don't worry about who sees me, save that I want to be in places where trans people's rights are protected.

For the most part, the past few days have had me catching up on much needed sleep.  I haven't made the time to do laundry, and I'll take care of that need tomorrow morning before RQS gets here.  This will be the first time that she'll have come here in a while that I haven't met her as Marian.

- - - - - -

RQS knows that I do a lot of socializing as Marian, and she has accepted my going out in the world as Marian.  Yet, it'll be a inverted surprise when RQS and I go up to see one of my friends for dinner with me in Mario mode, as this friend has only met me as Marian.  This will be a small, but true test of this friendship when this dinner eventually happens.

At this stage of my life, I am tolerably comfortable switching between gender presentations in order to have both a romantic life and a family life.  Yet, there's a big part of me that wishes I could have everything and stay in Marian Mode full time....

How do I feel, now that I'm retired?

 

Please pardon the slightly blurred picture above.  I was looking for a more colorful picture of me to post, and this is what I could find with a limited amount of time.  But why was I looking for something with color to post, you might ask?  Well, the answer is simple.  I feel that the weight of going into a soul crushing job has lifted, and that I am looking forward to the future.

Looking forward to the future does not mean that everything will be cheerful.  For example, if I assume that RQS and I will have a long term relationship, I must also assume the likelihood that one of us could die of old age before the other.  Who needs grief?  But that's a normal part of life if one lives to old age.  Having lost a spouse over 2 decades ago, I'd hate to go through that experience again.  And yet, the reward for taking that risk is worth all the pain it could bring.

I now have the freedom to plan and do new things.  Most of the big things I want to do involve travel.  Yet, the little things in life can be the most rewarding.  For example, I can hear it in RQS's voice when she talks about her exercise sessions.  This may motivate me to finally get back into an exercise routine - or, at least, I hope so.  (Right now, I'm looking at doing some yoga.  I'll talk about that in a later post.)  I may also get back to the reading I've put off, as well as taking care of the tasks I've long neglected.  

Yet, change does not come easily to me.  And this may be one of the biggest changes I'll deal with in life.  I could have muddled on, and continued to work at the soul sucking job.  But I'm reminded of Shirley, a woman I used to work with at the bank.  Her life ended on a very sad note.  Years ago, she worked full time, even after she reached retirement age, to have the medical benefits needed to cover her ailing husband's medical expenses.  Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Her retirement was not one of joy, but of sadness, as she knew she would die with no one left to care for her husband. (Her retirement lunch was a sad ritual, as it was a formality that only made things worse for everyone involved.)  I do not want that fate.  This is why I chose to leave while I still have enough of my health to do the things I want to do.

I have finally retired!

 

Although I've been talking about retirement for a while, I was always afraid to pull the cord and take the leap into the unknown.  Well, the other day, an incident at work caused me to do some serious thinking through the past weekend and commit to leaving my job.

I won't say much about the incident that caused me to make my decision, save that I was very tired when it happened.  There is an acronym for things that one should be aware of for those people who are prone to let loose with their feelings: HALT - Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, and Tired.  In my case, I was tired, and bothered by someone who didn't have the ability to interact with me as a normal person would.  (This person is intellectually disabled, and I normally would avoid him to prevent him from getting on my nerves.  But I digress....)

My finances are in decent shape for my age, and I have no significant debts.  So I figured that the best thing for me to do would be to exit the job and step into the unknown.  I handed my resignation in to my boss at the tail end of the day, and didn't bother looking back  Later on, I texted several people that I had left the firm, and two of them were surprised.  One of them even gave me a call to chat, and she mentioned that people in my area were doing a hard job.  (I must agree, it is a hard job for most and one best suited to people who can perform a repetitive task for 8 hours each day. This is why many intellectually disabled people are best suited to work at this place; they can thrive in an environment where they can show that they, too, can make meaningful contributions in the workplace.)

Does this mean that I will never go to work again?  No.  But it means that I will be much more picky in the type of work I do and the amount of work I do.  I can always use a little bit of extra cash....

I now own most of the wardrobe I'll wear in Hawaii

Even though my Hawaii cruise is roughly 4-5 months away, I have gotten to thinking about the clothes I'll be bringing along on the trip.  

Although my trip is labeled as an 11 day cruisetour, there are only 10 days of scheduled activities - the first day is reserved for those people flying in from the mainland.  One could be 12+ hours in transit (like me) and arrive at the hotel in time for dinner.  And another person could be coming in from the West Coast, and arrive in time to spend a full day relaxing at the hotel.  I'll be out of touch for the better part of 12 days, as I lose a day in Eastbound transit due to the length of the flight and the time zone differences.

Since this trip will take place in the Winter, I have to carry a couple of outfits for mainland transit, as well as outfits for the 11 days in Hawaii.  I figure that I will wear something which I can remove layers from (or add layers to) while I am in transit. Of course, I have no intentions of wearing my coat while in Hawaii, but I must bring it along for my trip home.

Right now, I have 4 short, sleeveless dresses I've bought from Target, plus another from Lane Bryant.  I won't take all of them with me, as I will need a nice maxi dress fr more formal times.  But planning for this trip will force me to make decisions I don't want to make to keep things under control - such as limiting how much clothing I bring, so that my luggage falls within airline weight limits.

The way I see things, I'll need 3 pairs of shoes: the sneakers I'll wear onto the plane, "dressy" shoes (maybe a nice pair of flats) for "dressy" nights, and "water" shoes that I can use when going on a beach and walking poolside.  If I were traveling as Mario, I could make a pair of the shoes do double duty.  But, as most women know all too well, it requires more of an effort (and more clothing/accessories) to appear as a well put together woman.

Luckily, I still have time to plan my travel wardrobe.  But there will be other things that I have to plan for while traveling in female presentation - such as trimming my beard, and maintaining my made up face.  This will be a little bit more tricky....

Doing nothing and feeling good about it.

 

Today was a day where RQS and I stayed in bed until it was almost afternoon.  And neither of us felt bad about it.  I'm still getting used to the idea that I will be resigning my job, and finally retiring.  I feel both sad and glad that I am doing this, as it was precipitated by an event that I should have been able to prevent before it occured.

RQS sensed my sadness, and was a great comfort to me while we spent the day doing nothing except making breakfast and doing the laundry.  All too soon, we had to get dressed, so I could take her to the station for her trip home.  

Now, before I go on too much about how close we've become in the past few months, I have to say something about her cats.  They are not used to her being away as much as RQS has been lately, and they pounce on her whenever she gets home.  Although she will have friends stopping by to feed the cats when we go on our cruise together, I can only imagine how they will react after 10 days of her absence.

So far, RQS are getting so comfortable with each other that we are already looking at doing another cruise next year - specifically, the Panama Canal cruise I've been planning on for 2023.  She worries about her cats, but we'll see how they react after this cruise.  Since I'm going to be in Hawaii later this year, she's thinking of taking a cruise by herself while I'm away.  Could I have gotten her hooked on a way of taking inexpensive vacations?  I hope so, as I want her to be comfortable on the next few "bucket list" cruises I plan to take.

A trip to the reservoir

 

I usually pick RQS up from the local railroad station in feminine gender presentation.  This week, since she came up on a Saturday, I was dressed as Mario for a change when I picked her up.  And from there, we headed North without a fixed destination.

Now, being in male mode precluded a stop at Karina Dresses.  But this didn't prevent us from driving through Kingston and heading West from there.  I figured that we should reach the Bread Alone bakery before changing direction, and RQS said that this was worth the drive.  Not only was she impressed by the quality of the breads there, but she loved the small pizza we had on site.  Yum!  

Next, I decided to drive along the Southern side of the Ashokan reservoir, and we stopped at the dam (NYC no longer allowing cars to drive across it since 9/11) and took a walk.  Both of us captured some nice pictures such as the one at the top of this entry.  Even with the reservoir drawn down to Summer levels, it still was a great photo-op that we didn't miss.

At this point, both of us were tired and wanted to go home to eat.  This was one night where we conked out early, as we both needed a good rest.

Not much to say today.

 

Yesterday, I had to leave work early.  I finally am at a point where I know it's time to retire for good.  Although I feel a little sad, I know it's the right thing to do.

- - - - - -

Today, I received a text from a friend I was supposed to get together with tonight for dinner.  She was feeling sick and wouldn't be able to meet.  So I figured that I'd change back to Mario a day early, and get ready to meet RQS when she arrives tomorrow for a short stay.  This meant that (among many things) I had to remove the polish from my nails that was applied last weekend, and move my ID and money into Mario's wallet.  At this point, I won't be out as Marian until next week.

I'm still not out of the funk I got into yesterday, but I'm hoping that being with RQS will help me get over it.  We will see what it's like when she arrives....

Sometimes, I skip a night or two...

 

Last week, I skipped going to game night because the host and hostess had just gotten over a mild case of Covid-19.  I didn't think much of it then, but I decided to skip this week because I was feeling very down and would be a poor guest.  (I'm not ready to talk about why yet.)  But I will miss seeing the gang until next month....

- - - - - -

One of the things I like about going to game night is that I am with a group of people who accept me as Marian.  This is important to me, as I enjoy being with people who enjoy having me around.  Throughout my life, I have always felt like I am the odd person out, and it's nice to know I'm welcome with this one group.

By the time I see this group next month, a lot of things will have changed in my life.  Hopefully, I'll have much more good news than sad to report....

I don't know how I make it through the day.

 

Lately, I've been feeling very tired when I get up.  Most of the time, I can blame it on not getting enough sleep the night before.  Yet, I continue with the idea of going to work at a 9 to 5 job, as I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have to be somewhere on a regular basis.  This morning, I didn't feel like I had enough sleep the night before, and I felt lucky that I had some "extra caff" coffee available for me to start my day.

It's still nice being able to go to work presenting as female.  I wish I could have done this throughout my career.  However, it was many times more difficult being out and about as a trans person than it is now.  But I can't complain about my past.  My 40 year career in technology made it possible to effectively retire at 58, even though I've had several jobs in the past 7 years that allowed me to avoid draining savings too much.

- - - - - -

Today, I wished I could have stayed home and slept for a while.  RQS was out of town seeing a relative, and I didn't have much to do when I got home.  So I figured that I'd try to figure out why my VCR  wasn't working after I installed my new DVD player.  Somehow, I had to have unplugged the darned thing from its power supply, yet it appears to be plugged in.  If I can't figure this out, I may look for a used player at a thrift shop, just to be able to view a few tapes I can't get on DVD or Blu-Ray.

Once I gave up (for the night) on the VCR issue, I took a quick nap before calling RQS.  She'll be coming home soon, and it'll be nice to have her here again.  However, this will be an interesting weekend, as this will be the first time I'll pick her up as Mario in several weeks....

Cruising to New England and the Maritimes

 

RQS and I were looking at this itinerary, and we decided to take a Summer/Autumn cruise. We normally would follow the advice of Gary Bembridge and use a travel agent to book our cruise.  However, we encountered a situation where the travel agent we selected couldn't provide us the option we could get by booking directly with the cruise line.  

But first....

Last night, we planned to book this cruise when I got home from dinner with DPV .  However, Vacations to Go (VTG) closes its lines at 10 pm, so we figured we'd book the cruise tonight. Well, things didn't work out as planned.

RQS was visiting her cousin in Philadelphia, and brought her new Chromebook along for the ride.  Around 9 pm, RQS called me and tried to connect me in for a 3 way call with VTG. We couldn't get that working.  Unfortunately, VTG couldn't give us the booking we wanted - they could only do an all or nothing regarding the "Free at Sea" offering.  We wanted everything but the "Free" booze package (we don't drink enough to make the $200/pp gratuity charge worth the price), and VTG couldn't or wouldn't do what was needed to uncheck this option.  So RQS and I decided to contact the cruise line directly and see what we could do.  And we had more success here, as the cruise line's agent had no problem making this happen.  Sadly, we couldn't get the room I found online, but we got a good room for the same price.  (The agent made a mistake at first, not realizing what we would accept a cabin in the aft part of the ship, and thinking we wanted an aft balcony.  He corrected this quickly, when I told RQS what I think happened.)  

Would I do the booking this way again?  Maybe/Maybe Not.  I have found a local travel agent specializing in cruises that I may try out for our next cruise together.  Hopefully, I can get better results from someone local than from an organization which may be experiencing Covid-19 related personnel churn.

So, now we are committed - we will be spending time with each other where we have to see each other for 10 straight days.  This will tell us a lot about how we get along together.  Keep your fingers crossed.

 

PS: This is a cruise I'll be doing as Mario.  It won't be as much fun, but.....

Seeing a friend from the "North Country"

 

I haven't seen DPV in ages.  We dated once, but found that each other's baggage was too much to carry, so we decided to be friends. With Covid-19, work, and what's been going on in our lives, neither of us has had enough free time to get together.  So I jumped at the opportunity to have a French dinner with her when the opportunity presented itself.

Cafe Les Baux is an intimate restaurant in Millbrook, NY. It's about a 1 hour drive from both where I work and from my home with free flowing traffic. I decided to stop home after work, so that I could check my mail before going to meet DPV.  As expected, the drive took 60 minutes, even with me ignoring Google's directions.  (They recommended taking the Taconic State Parkway through Putnam county - one of the roads I hate driving on due to the characteristics of the road.)  Once I reached Dutchess county, it was smooth sailing to the restaurant.

We agreed to meet at 7:15.  I arrived 15 minutes before DPV, and we had to wait a few minutes until a table freed up.  Both of us ordered the Roast 1/2 duck special, and it was better than anything I could have cooked when I was regularly roasting ducks.  From the appetizers to dessert, everything was top notch, and I highly recommend this restaurant when you have a few extra dollars to spend.  (Both of us went over budget dining here, but it was worth every cent.  I plan to take RQS here when it's time for a special dinner.)

Exiting the restaurant at 10 pm, I realized that I was doing to drive more carefully than usual.  The roads were slick from rain when I got on the road, and I drove much slower than usual on the short section of the Taconic I used before driving through Putnam County on Route 9.  

Although I called RQS when I got home, it was a relatively short chat - we agreed that we'd book our Autumn cruise the following day....

I'm afraid of being noticed for what I'm not.

 

RQS knows that I'm a little nervous about my future trip to Hawaii, as I will be flying as Marian for the first time.  This doesn't mean that I will travel as Mario.  Instead, it means that I will be aware that I may trigger alerts whenever I go through a security checkpoint and that I will need to figure out a way to keep my beard stubble under control whenever I interact with "civilians".

- - - - - -

Traveling as Marian to Hawaii doesn't mean that I'll be taking my first cruise with RQS as Marian.  For this cruise, I'll be traveling as Mario.  But, we haven't booked our cruise yet.  On Friday, I finally got up the nerve to talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off to take a trip. My boss said that this shouldn't be a problem - I should just give her the details and she should be able to take care of things.  I guess that I'm simply afraid of being seen as a troublemaker, and that's the root of my nervousness.

When I worked for the bank, I knew that I (once) had a high value to the organization and that I could usually name my terms regarding time off.  Now that I'm working as a grunt, it's hard to think about having much freedom until I retire.  Luckily, I will be forced to submit my resignation 2 weeks before my Hawaii cruise, and that I will feel good after having done so.

A slow Saturday with RQS and the mechanic

 

RQS and I had to get up early this Saturday - My car needed a brake job, and a NYS Inspection.  So off to Mavis we went.  2 1/2 hours (and almost $650) later, my car and us left the shop with time on our hands for the rest of the day.

Neither of us had much energy after leaving Mavis, so we went home to rest for a while before going to Pleasantville to see Mrs. Harris goes to Paris.  If you are in the mood for a date night movie with a happy ending, this is the movie for you. Around 6 pm, we went to see the movie and had a nice evening out.  But it was a short evening, as we were both exhausted due to the heat outside, and went to sleep early.

Before going to sleep, I mentioned to RQS that I wanted to get a manicure after dropping her off at the train station, and we agreed that I'd be presenting as Marian when I dropped her off at the train station.

I hate hot weather....

 

For me, the only good thing I can think about summer these days is the time I can spend cooking steaks on the grill.  Unfortunately, my co-op now prohibits gas and charcoal grills on our decks.  So I am stuck getting BBQ at restaurants instead of doing it myself....

- - - - - -

Why do I start off writing about grilling and BBQ you may ask?

To me BBQ symbolizes the best that summer has to offer.  And when RQS arrived for the weekend, I figured that we'd go to Holy Smoke BBQ in Mahopac.  It's been a long while since I've been there, and I can only wonder what would have happened if I stumbled into FCP there.  But not to worry - she was off doing her things while I was doing mine.

RQS enjoyed the food at this BBQ much more than the last BBQ joint we ate at - neither of us suffered from the over salted aftertaste we often taste when food is cooked with too much salt.  This doesn't mean that the food wasn't salty.  My pastrami sandwich has way too much salt for one meal, and I decided to save half of it for another day.

- - - - - -

I keep being amazed by how comfortable RQS has gotten with me when presenting as Marian.  Neither of us give it much thought anymore that I will meet her at the train station in female presentation, and I'm very happy about that.  I'm still the person paying for dinner.  But to others at the restaurants, we are two women having a nice Friday evening out.  If they only knew....

I received an interesting message today.

 

First, I am not going to discuss the who sent me the message, or what its contents were.  Yet, the fact that this message was sent is very interesting.  (Long time readers of this blog can read between the lines to guess who I am talking about.)

- - - - - -

Sometimes, one acquaintance has something to say about another mutual acquaintance.  Today's message was one of those communications.  It seems that an issue I had to deal with in regards to the acquaintance drove another person crazy.  We both have similar feelings about the mutual acquaintance.  Yet, it is interesting that in my last (or, should I say, "Final") communication with the acquaintance, that the acquaintance wanted to say that she stopped communication with the other person.

Somewhere, I have learned that there is my viewpoint, your viewpoint, and an objective viewpoint to all disputes.  In this case, I have a feeling that I know what the objective truth is regarding many things, and I'm glad that I am no longer dealing with a certain person who I now see as a lonely bully.  There is a part of me that misses this one acquaintance.  But I feel much better that I don't have to deal with this person's issues any longer.

Dinner with Vicki

 

It's always nice to get together with Vicki.  Tonight, it was sushi dinner at a new joint in Croton.  Although this place has been around for a few years, we never made it there for dinner.  We finally did, and enjoyed the experience.

But first....

When I got up today, I was in a rush and forgot a few things. This was a harbinger of little things to come. Arriving at the office, I found that I didn't take my morning medications.  So I figured that I'll avoid trying to play catch up, and take my evening pills when I got home.  I then noticed that I had lost an extendable back scratcher, so I used one that wasn't as effective - and left it at the office.  Since I had no more lunches available to me, I planned to buy 2 more lunches to finish out the week on my way home - that wouldn't happen either.  But I get ahead of myself.

I was surprised that I wasn't as sleepy as usual today, and was wide awake when I left the office.  Since I had errands to run, I drove to the auto parts store for a cabin air filter.  From there, it was off to Walmart to pick up some coin wrappers. Unfortunately, I didn't have the time to stop off at home to drop off my goods, so I didn't bother going to Shoprite as planned.  Instead, I met Vicki at the Sushi parlor.

Vicki and I had a belated birthday celebration, ordering way too much food.  Yet, we did a good job at finishing what was in front of us, and figured that we'd be going there again soon. Both of us liked the dresses each of us were wearing, and I felt good about my choice of what I wore today.  Once done with our "nutritious dishes of little raw fishes", it was off the the Blue Pig for dessert.

All too soon, it was time to leave - and we went our separate ways.  I will miss her when she retires and leaves the NYC area....

I hate heatwaves, but love dresses during heatwaves

As I write this, we're entering this summer's second heat wave.  I'm not a fan of hot weather, and I'm grateful that the air conditioner in my car "sorta works" after a few minutes on the road. (Yes, it's something I want to check out with my local mechanic, but I need to spend money on other things right now.)  But I'm not going to feel bad about how the temperature affects me in this weather, as there are many people who have to work outside in this weather, with no way to stay comfortable while working.

I don't care how much electricity I have to use in this weather.  But I'm lucky to be able to afford the electricity I need to make my apartment comfortable during the summer.  When I eventually have to move from here, I will need to choose an affordable place which will be less expensive to keep cool during the summer.  As you might guess, there is no way that I'll move South as I get older.

Yet, there are a few good things about summer.  Being TG, I have the option of wearing a dress when presenting as a female.  No one looks at me strangely if I choose something comfortable to wear in this weather, and I take advantage of the options available to me.  It's too bad that men do not have this option in our culture.  But discussion of that issue will be reserved for another time when I have more time to write about it....
 

Accomplishing much and nothing at the same time.

 

If I could find the original negative for the above picture, I'd develop a larger photo from it and frame thhe picture.  This is how I remember the lighthouse at Peggy's Cove, and it's how I'd like to see it when I visit again.

Why do I mention this?

RQS and I have been talking about going on a cruise to New England and Canada's Maritime Provinces.  Halifax, NS will be one of our stops on the cruise, and I will insist on visiting Peggy's Cove while we are in port.  However, until I decide to leave my job, I can't tell RQS that it's time to book the cruise.

- - - - - -

Today, I was trying to stay awake during my shift at the office. While there, someone had moved a non functioning refrigerator into the center of the break room, so that a replacement unit could be slid into the spot occupied by the old unit.  Now, we will have enough room to cold store our lunches, instead of trying to cram them all into a small refrigerator that didn't have enough room for all of us.

After work, it was off to the dentist's office for a tooth cleaning.  This was the least expensive visit I have had for a while.  Afterwards, I ended up going home to do laundry.  What an exciting evening!  Not much was done today, and yet, I got some needed things done....

A short post.... A new dress.

 

I've been looking for a dress in this shade of blue for a while.  Recently, I found it at Target - with one problem.  I'd have to find it in the clearance bin at one of two New Jersey stores.  AARGH!  So I decided to drive across the river after work, and hopefully find this dress in the clearance bins.

But first....

Last night, I wasn't able to fall asleep until around 3 am.  This is terrible when one has to get up for work at 6 am.  So I wasn't sure if I could drive to the Hackensack Target after a periodic teeth cleaning at my dentist's office this evening.  I was very surprised to find out that my appointment was scheduled for tomorrow.  Since I didn't have anything else on my docket, I decided to go to Hackensack.

The major roads on the other side of the river were fouled up, so I took the side roads to Hackensack. Target is hidden from the main road, so I over shot the place and got lost in a city that closes up shop at 5 pm.  Thankfully, my GPS got me to the store, where I could only find the Size 3X version of the dress.  I figured that I might as well try the dress on And, amazingly - it fit!  So into my shopping cart it went, and I became the proud owner of a dress I may wear when in Hawaii later this year....

 

PS: I ordered and received the black version of the same dress.  Dressed up a little, with the right jewelry, and I can wear it on a formal night onboard a ship....