I woke up and saw something weird.

This morning, I received a very strange message from FH:

stop stalking my page
you can tell who is looking at your page
i don't like it

When I looked at her Facebook page, she had unfriended me.  Here's the quandary - I never look at her Facebook page, except when she posts a picture that she wants me to "Like".

So I wonder if she's been looking at each and every one of my Facebook friends, then examining anything posted.  If so, then I can guarantee that she is not the type of person I want to be with for the long term.  It's bad enough that she focuses on my heritage, as if I deny part of my background (which I don't).  But she never seems to be happy with me.  Or, at least, I feel this way when she sounds disappointed when uncontrollable things go wrong (such as an accident that causes a major traffic jam) causing me to be late to arrive.  

If she found this website by hunting through every one of my links, then so be it.  But I'd have liked (and deserved) a better explanation than what she posted. 

- - - - - -

Later on in the day, we exchanged a couple of text messages.  She sees me at the top of her "bubbles" (the icons for contacts and for chats, as I'd call them) and thinks that I'm always on her FB page.  I hate breaking the news to her, but I rarely look at her site and will post "likes" on her posts when they are mirrored to my news feed.

Right now, this is not a big deal to me whatever happens.  I think she was very tired when she made her first posts, and didn't know much about how FB ranks contacts.  (Heck, I still get my ex girlfriend coming up near the contact list after 5 years of us being together, followed by over a year of being apart.)

PS: I talked with FH later on, and she noted she was a little woozy after taking her sleeping pills, as well as being a little confused.  So, we will likely try and go to the restaurant we wanted to go to last week and try for another nice meal.

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.

 

A day I could sleep late

 

 

 

This was a day where I had the option of getting up late, and I took advantage of it.  Originally, FH and I were supposed to out for a nice dinner at the Milleridge Inn on Long Island,but her stomach was feeling a little queasy, so we made other plans for the evening.  However, I'll be picking up dinner on the way down, as well as stopping at the pharmacy to pick up some meds for FH.

Every little thing conspired to add time to the front end of my day, and I took advantage of it by doing laundry shortly after I got up - around 11 am.  This frees up some time tomorrow, so that I can go to an Easter Dinner with the FTF Meetup group in Connecticut without worrying about having to do laundry when I get home.  

 

This is the second week in a row that FH has not been feeling well.  Last week, her GI Tract was forcing her to stay near a rest room all the time we were at Wegmans.  Today, she was getting over another problem which may have been related to food poisoning the night before.  Normally, I wouldn't think this an issue.  But TCL planted a tickler that hasn't yet gotten out of my mind.  Could she be looking for an opening to start looking for someone "better"?  If so, then I hope she drops the hammer sooner than later, as this will free up my Saturdays for other activities.

 

If FH weren't in the picture for this evening, I'd likely have gone for a walk on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  It would have been a perfect day to have gone out for a walk.  I wasn't going to drive 60+ miles North, then drive another 100+ miles South for an evening date.  Could I have done something local?  Yes, but I relished my sleep.  So, if the weather is good tomorrow morning, I might do something along the Putnam Rail Trail before showering, shaving, etc. to make myself look good for the FTF meetup to be held later that day.

One thing I know about tomorrow: Most of the day will be spent as Marian.  And that's a good thing.  I should be able to do my nails again before dinner, and look as pretty as possible when I see these people for the first time in months.

 

A question came to mind: Do I mind presenting as Mario?  The answer is no, but it's because I'm making a trade off when I do so.  I wouldn't give up being Marian part time.  But I'd retain the ability to be Mario part time if it meant I could have a healthy romantic life.  Last night, I had to strip off my nail polish for tonight's evening with FH.  And I didn't mind doing this to be with her.  I just wonder what's going on in her head....

I finally got some papers notarized.

 

A few years ago, my friend Maria asked me to do a boudoir photo shoot so that she could print one of my pictures and give it to her husband as an anniversary gift.  In a way, this is my favorite shot, as shows a vulnerable side she rarely shows to people.  Of course, the picture shows that I am an amateur photographer, as no one should be consciously aware of how a scene is lit.

- - - - - -

Today, Maria and I finally had the chance to meet for a few minutes in person.  I needed her to notarize my signature on a form I need to send in, so that I can claim my share of the funds in my late father's IRA. So we scheduled an after work get together at a McDonald's near her house.

As usual, my work day was 8 hours of electronic "Whack-a-Mole",  Luckily, I had a good sleep the night before, and was able to get through the day without falling asleep at my desk too often.  This is a job that I go to for two reasons only: (1) Money and (2) Something to occupy my time during the day.  Do I enjoy the job?  Not really.  But I don't hate it either.  I should have looked for a part time job, so that I'd have more time in my life to schedule and do the things I want to do.

Luckily, I get out at 4:30, and can beat rush hour choke points on the way home, and on my way up North.  That is what I did, making it to Fishkill an hour before Maria and I were supposed to meet.  So I went shopping at the local Walmart to kill time, then I drove to the McDonald's to meet Maria.

This turned out to be a very quick meeting with Maria.  It was freezing outside, and we both had other things to do.  Her notary stamp was giving her trouble, so she had to stamp the form twice.  Hopefully, that won't be a problem when I send it in to the bank.  At least, I'm all done for now.

- - - - - -

Afterwards, I went looking for a place where a food truck is going to be next week.  Ever since I've heard of Cousins Maine Lobster before, and I wanted to try something from their food trucks.  Every time one is nearby, I'm scheduled to be elsewhere.  So I went to Hopewell, thinking that the truck was going to be there today.  And I was surprised to find another food truck there.  Since I was "in for a penny, in for a pound," I decided to try a grilled shrimp Po'Boy sandwich.  The sandwich was so messy, that I figured that it would be best eaten at home.  And 45 minutes later, that's just what I did.  It was yummy.  But the next time I order from this truck, I'll ask for a few less greens so that the sandwich is easier to eat.

On the way home, I talked with the woman who used to run a store I used to shop at.  We were getting along fine, but something she said was a hint that she couldn't deal with the Marian side of me.  Oh, well.  I haven't put a few years' investment into this relationship, so I'll have little to be upset about if she reacts negatively to my reveal.

Once I finished eating, I decided to make reservations for the dinner I plan to have with FH tomorrow.  She deserves to go to a nice place once in a while, and I'm glad I can take her there tomorrow.  FH may not be the one for me in the long term, but I like her - and that's what counts.

It's always something, isn't it?

 

Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update.  This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind."  Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.

On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions.  My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems.  My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult.  I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people.  (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life.  Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)

Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear?  Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led.  I was once one of these people.  Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.  

My dreams have always been modest.  Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power.  But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me.  So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist.  The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment.  And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.

Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years.  She is truly unique.  She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be.  No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does.  But I am envious of someone who can do so....

It's hard to keep in touch with people when you're tired all the time

 

It's hard for me to keep in touch with people when I'm tired all the time.  No, others do it with a schedule like mine.  I'm just a bad time manager these days.  I can't imagine how I did it when I worked in the city and had two or three less hours in my life each day to work with.  But I did.

Part of me is trying to juggle too many things at one time.  I want to see as many of my friends as possible, and schedules often don't work the way they need to work to make this a reality.  For example, one friend, MW and I were supposed to get together this weekend.  She forgot that it was going to be Easter, and that she'd be having her dad, her boyfriend and his daughter over that day.  Additionally, she had to help out her ex, who had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.  Another example is KOL.  LK and I make time for her, but she has a nasty habit of letting things in her life get in the way.  (I won't go into KOL's family issues here, but they are likely to be complex at the present from what we know.) And then, there are all the other people circling around my life who never can seem to stop for a while.

Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help.  I used to take the ex girlfriend's issues with sleep a little bit lightly.  She'd go to sleep with her cellphone in hand, and then wake up a couple of hours later, unable to go to sleep for another 4 hours or so. She was always overtired, and now I've fallen into a similar pattern.  AARGH!

At least, I found the time to polish my nails last night.... 

Until I find my new normal, I look both ways....

 

I often find myself thinking of mistakes I made in the past and what I could have done differently.  No, I can not change the past, nor do I regret many of the decisions I have made.  Instead, I want to learn as much as possible from my past, and make sure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future.

- - - - - - 

When crossing a road, we are taught to look both ways before crossing.  Now, I look both at the past and my future to figure out what I want to do next in life.  For example, I looked at my most recent past relationship, and realized that I needed to place a higher emphasis on communication in a relationship, instead of just getting along too smoothly.  I also look at the future, and wonder if someone like FH would be what I need.  She is not shy about making her needs known to me, and can drive me up the wall sometimes while doing so - and I'm glad she can do this, given the failure of my recent past.

I also wonder whether I should stay in the workforce as a full time worker, and whether I would work as Mario or Marian.  If I were to get a receptionist or office worker type position, I want to work as Marian.  There is something I like about appearing as a professional woman that fits my image of myself as Marian.  Yet, I like the image of a technical worker that I was as Mario. Which path should I choose if both were to be open to me at the same time?

It's not easy making these decisions, as I will have to live with them for a long while.  But I am glad that I'm in a position to make these decisions, instead of being held back by fear.