Talking with a rare set of parents

 

I'm not going to say how I know this pair of parents.  But they have a trans child, and love that child unconditionally.  If I were to live my life over, I'd love to have parents like this couple.  (No, I'm not complaining about my parents.  But I'm not sure of how they would feel if I came out to them before I hit puberty.)

Chatting with this child's parents, I was pleased to find out that they were disenchanted with the parental support group that meets while their children socialize with other trans kids.  Why is this a good thing?  Well, they accept their child for who they are: Male, Female, or Bi-Gendered.  They do not ask why their child identifies differently than the gender they were assigned to at birth.  They simply focus on what's best for their child, instead of the image of what they thought their child would be as an adult.  Others in the parental support group have major difficulties in this area, as they are dealing with their grief of not having a child growing up in the way originally expected.

What father doesn't want to see his son grow up to be just like him (in good ways)?  What mother doesn't want her daughter to grow up just like her (in good ways)?  It's hard on many parents to find out that their child is transgender.  There is no roadmap for this.  Parents have to "wing it" and find their way on their own, as many friends and family will insist that "this is only a phase the child is going through" or "this can be fixed with the right instruction."  But it's not.  Most transgender children know that there is something different about them from an early age.

In our conversation, I noted that I could never talk to my parents about being trans, nor can I talk to my brother about this today.  Most of my friends know I am trans, but some of my long time friends (who I haven't seen in years) would go nuts if they found out about this part of me.  So I have to be very careful, unless I want to burn bridges that I don't yet want to burn.  Thankfully, this trans child will likely not have this problem going through life, thanks to the their parents.

As I said earlier - their child is lucky to have these people as parents, and I am very glad that I know them.

Traditional Tax Day

 

Lately, I've been writing posts that are published 2 weeks later. These posts reflect the "present tense" at the time I write them, and not when they are available to my readers. I figure that when I get to travel, I won't be doing any writing during each trip, and will be playing catch-up when I get back.  This post is an exception to my usual way of doing things, as it is meant to be read on "Tax Day", and be current for that date.

One of the problems with our tax system is that it's hard to determine how much tax to withhold when one has multiple income sources.  Last year, I had income from a job, income from a pension, income from rental property, and income from other investments.  When I was working, I tried to over-withhold money from my paychecks to compensate for under-withholding from my other income sources.  What is most frustrating is that I need to spend several hundred dollars each year just to fill out forms the government needs to validate that I have paid enough in taxes each year.  This doesn't make much sense.  We need a tax system that is efficient, fair, and generates a maximum of revenue for government to use.

I'm not going to get into a long-winded discussion of the tax system, its flaws, and the trade-offs needed to create a better system.  No system could please everyone, and we have too much invested in our terrible system to take the social risk of making changes. 

So, why am I talking about taxes here?  This blog is a journal about my life as a transgender person living in the New York area.  The answer is simple.  Many things that transgender people deal with are just as mundane as the things that cisgender people deal with.  We just have a few more complications in our lives that get in the way of living those lives.

The other day, I recommended that RQS see a transgender accountant that I know.  She has just received her tax paperwork to sign, and is happy with the work that was done for her.  Yes, RQS still misgenders this accountant when talking with me, as all she has heard is the accountant's male voice - and that keeps triggering the use of the incorrect pronoun. I'm not going to hold it against RQS, as I've done the same thing when talking with another transgender acquaintance of mine.  And even my best friends have done it with me.  It is the price we pay, a tax on our souls you may call it, to be able to be out there as our authentic selves.  We may be free, but we must pay the price for that freedom in many ways.

I don't quibble about the overall amount of taxes I pay, as I've seen how much good government can do with that money. And I don't quibble when my friends and acquaintances misgender me by accident, as they will always be getting used to getting pronouns straight for people they first knew as part of the opposite gender....

I accidentally told two friends about me - and I was accepted for who and what I am - a short post

 

A while back, I accidentally posted a link to this blog on the wrong Facebook page, and two of my friends who only knew me as Marian found out about Mario.  I was very surprised, but told my friends the truth about me, and that I was glad that I could finally show my authentic self without filtering.

Now I understand how Fran felt when someone finally caught her switching back and forth between male and female modes.  And I'm glad I made it through this with friendships intact.  Yes, I see changes.  But these will be healthy ones, as we can be much more open with each other than before.....

- - - - - -

Regarding Fran....

RQS has been looking for a new accountant to do her taxes.  Knowing that Fran could use some business, I suggested to RQS that she should reach out to Fran.  (Why not send business along to another TG person?  I'll likely switch to using Fran when my accountant retires.)  So later this evening, I'll find Fran's contact information and give it to RQS....

Today, I edited myself into a picture of me.

 

 

No, I'm not yet ready to show a picture of me dressed as Mario.  But this is as close as I'll get for now.

- - - - - -

My friends in Texas would love to see a picture of my "Boyfriend."  So I figured that I'd start playing with GIMP and try to overlay an image of RQS with an image of me (as Marian) to be able to show these friends what my boyfriend looks like.  Both RQS and my friend Maria say that I've done a great job.  But there is a flaw that I can't avoid - The two images look like they could be that of siblings!  Yet,it is good enough that I want to get a print made, frame it, and put it on my wall.

I'm not yet ready to show this picture to anyone other than to friends who know me in both modes. Yet, I'll be looking for ways to adjust this image to make Mario's image look less like Marian's sibling than it already does.  Until then, I'll be careful of to whom I show this picture, when I show them the picture, and how I show them the picture.  It'll be nice to be able to produce a picture of a boyfriend if called for.

I'd like to know:  How well do you think I did on my first attempt at photo editing?

Seeing friends

 

 
It's been a long time since the above group held a meeting, and I've grown a lot as a person since then.  Yet, I yearn a little for the innocence and ignorance I had back then, as I was in a period of rapid social growth as Marian.

- - - - - -

Lately, I've been trying to catch up with friends I've made over the years: friends I've made at work, friends I've made through meetups, and friends I've made in the general course of life.  It isn't always easy finding the time or money to get together with these people.  But I try to do so.

As I write this, I will be lunching with a friend from where I last worked.  Next week, I'll be meeting with one of my transgender acquaintances, and with a woman I once dated.  It's not always easy planning things 2+ weeks ahead, as I've found that most people are only able to plan for social engagements that are 1 or 2 weeks ahead.

Now that I'm seeing RQS, I have even less time to get together with people, as most of them are unattached.  However, I do not intend to make the mistake I made when I was married.  Losing friends is easy when one is coupled.  Keeping them is much harder.  And I intend to do my best to keep them.

Connecting with friends

 

This is going to be another quick entry.

Over the past couple of nights, I have had 2 zoom meetings.  The first was with my ex-boss, a man who only knows me as Mario.  The other was with a woman who only knows me as Marian.  Normally, I would be energized by both zoom meetings, but I had no energy to really enjoy them.  This means that I couldn't wait to get off the zoom and do something else.

Once I leave my job, I will suggest to my ex-boss that we meet up for a lunch somewhere, as it will be nice to chat in person for a change.  Even though things will be very different from the last time we met in person, it will be a good thing to get back to normal - or, at least how we once thought of it.  Regarding the second person, if I weren't seeing RQS on a regular basis, I'd schedule a Chicago trip to see her for a long weekend.

Keeping in contact these days has become much harder for me than it was in the past. I never had a job that sucked as much energy out of me as this job does. Yet, this lack of energy forces me to make hard decisions regarding who I really want to see.  And maybe, that's the one benefit I'm getting from this exhausting job....

A weekend without RQS

 

No, this is not bad news.  RQS is going to fly South to see a friend.  As for me, I'll be able to take care of things that I normally wouldn't do because we'd be keeping each other company over the weekend.

- - - - - -

I've been putting off shopping for a car for a while.  This will be a good weekend to go to several dealers and take some test drives.  With over 180,000 miles on my car, I need to make sure that I have reliable transportation - especially when I drive all over the place in my feminine presentation, but carry ID in my male name.  The last time I had a problem, it was midnight and I was able to change into male clothes before AAA came to tow my car.  I don't ever want that experience again.

There are people I've wanted to see for a long while. And now that I have a girlfriend plus a job that sucks the life out of me, I have even less time to see these people.  So, I might just try to see one or two of them over the next few days.  Since I may be in Mario mode, it will likely be with people who know me in both modes, unless I change into Marian mode after car shopping.

Even with this, the 20 at 20 deal is on this weekend.  I want to get in to NYC to see one of these off-Broadway shows.  So what do I do?  I may need a weekend to rest from the activities I schedule for this weekend....

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am very grateful that I have almost made it through the pandemic in "good health."  Although there are things I've lost due to the pandemic, I am happy that my brother and his family got through the worst in good health. I am happy that my real friends made it through the pandemic safely.  And, most importantly, I am grateful not to have infected by the virus.

Unlike many people, I didn't have financial worries during the worst of things.  I appreciate this luxury that I had that many didn't have.  The only important worries I had were for the sake of others.  And most of those worries didn't turn into problems.  The friends and family that caught the virus recovered from it and are mostly OK.  (I can't say for sure if any have/do not have any long term symptoms.)  

Other than this, I don't have too much to say.  I'd rather focus on having a good dinner with people I care about....

Dinner all by myself

 

I can be quite jovial when dining with friends.  But when I'm eating by myself, I often just want to get the meal over with so I can enjoy other activities that give me more pleasure.  Tonight was one of those evenings where I had no one to be with, and nothing I really wanted to eat.

- - - - - -

In the past, I'd be calling up a former friend in shooting the breeze.  I'd also be calling a (now) ex girlfriend for similar purposes.  But the issue still remained - how does one maintain his/her sanity when one wants a little companionship when none is available.

Humans are a very social species.  If we didn't know this before the pandemic, we certainly know it now.  If you could see all the people who were gathered around the above table, you'd see a smile on everyone's faces.  It was great to be able to get together after a year of being cooped up in one's home.

Could I have found someone to eat with today?  Possibly.  But would it have been worth it?  Probably not.  I needed some alone time....

It's hard to keep in touch with people when you're tired all the time

 

It's hard for me to keep in touch with people when I'm tired all the time.  No, others do it with a schedule like mine.  I'm just a bad time manager these days.  I can't imagine how I did it when I worked in the city and had two or three less hours in my life each day to work with.  But I did.

Part of me is trying to juggle too many things at one time.  I want to see as many of my friends as possible, and schedules often don't work the way they need to work to make this a reality.  For example, one friend, MW and I were supposed to get together this weekend.  She forgot that it was going to be Easter, and that she'd be having her dad, her boyfriend and his daughter over that day.  Additionally, she had to help out her ex, who had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.  Another example is KOL.  LK and I make time for her, but she has a nasty habit of letting things in her life get in the way.  (I won't go into KOL's family issues here, but they are likely to be complex at the present from what we know.) And then, there are all the other people circling around my life who never can seem to stop for a while.

Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help.  I used to take the ex girlfriend's issues with sleep a little bit lightly.  She'd go to sleep with her cellphone in hand, and then wake up a couple of hours later, unable to go to sleep for another 4 hours or so. She was always overtired, and now I've fallen into a similar pattern.  AARGH!

At least, I found the time to polish my nails last night....