A Job Interview as Marian

I think I look better now than when I first wore this dress, or its sister in teal.  And I wore it to a 11 am interview at a not-for-profit art gallery.  This is a dress that makes me feel good, even though I might not buy it today because of its hemline.

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Unfortunately, I couldn't get to sleep until the middle of the night.  When I awakened this morning, I knew that I would likely fall out before dinner time.  So I took a little time to get ready, making sure that everything was in the right place and put together well.  And it was off to Larchmont for the interview.

Arriving in Larchmont, I had to park my car in a 2 hour lot located on a side street off the main business corridor.  This allowed me to walk by the house of a former boss.  Looking at his driveway, I figured that all was probably well with him as he had a new looking car in his driveway. If you're thinking that this could be anyone's car, I'd beg to differ.  My ex boss (who retired about 20 years ago or so) had a habit of buying new Cadillac Coupe De Villes every few years, whether or not he needed to do so.  In fact, I'd bet that he had less than 20k miles on each 10 year old car that he may have traded in since his retirement.  (His former commute was about 5-10 miles per day, and all of his trade ins were very low mileage cars.) Hopefully, he's enjoying his retirement and is still very healthy.

When I arrived at the gallery, I was greeted by 4 people.  (Unfortunately, I can't remember their names, or I'd have sent them all thank you emails.)  I would be one of two paid employees of the gallery, responsible for keeping the center open Tuesday-Friday (my shift) and Saturday (the other shift).  This means that I would not have the freedom to schedule my vacations any longer, as they only close down in August.  That is not the time I like taking vacations, and it would crimp my style.  With this being said, I feel I was a strong candidate in office skills, but not in retail skills.  They need someone who can run a store by herself, and I doubt I am that candidate.

As I was getting up to leave, I had an experience that only women can appreciate - my hosiery failed, and a hole formed on my inner thigh.  There went my original plan to go straight from the interview to the LGBT Center to do my weekly volunteer stint.  Instead, I went straight home and got comfortable for a while.

Later on, I got a call from an old friend.  Joanie had free tickets to a play, and thought of me. So I cancelled my attendance at tonight's dinner meetup and drove back to lower county to catch a train into NYC.  I met Joanie in Times Square, then enjoyed the play - even though we were seated on opposite sides of the theater.  After the play, we went to Shake Shack to grab a burger, and gabbed until midnight. 

Noticing the time, I said that I had to make a train. Knowing that the last trains leave Grand Central around 1:30, I still had a couple of trains I could still take home.  But I wanted to get out of town by 12:30, so that I could get home by 2:00.  While on the train, I had a quick message chat with GFJ.  (She had to get up early in the morning, otherwise we may have chatted more.)  And then, I was in Pelham.  Arriving at my car around 1:15, I got a message from Joanie.  She wanted to let me know that if I got stuck in the city, I could always stay in a spare room at her place.  That's always nice to know.  By 1:45, I was home in spite of the rain.  So I figured that I'd write this entry before collapsing for the evening - and did.

Seeing a friend for lunch

I'd love to open up today's entry with a musical phrase that had the sonic undertones of "I read the news today...."  But putting words on a video display can not properly capture how I felt when I woke up this morning.

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My alarms are usually set to wake me up around 8:30, 9:00, and 10:00 am.  The 8:30 am alarm wakes me up enough, so that if I want to watch TV at 9:00 am, I can do so.  9:00 comes 30 minutes later, and serves to being me to semi consciousness if I've fallen back to sleep. And 10:00 comes an hour later, and forces me to get up and moving if I haven't done so already.  Today, it was the latter alarm that woke me up, and I realized that I was going to be running late for lunch with SWD.  So I messaged her, and said that I'd be about a half hour late for lunch.

Once I was moving, I had to make a hard decision - what to wear for the day.  Until I started to dress as a woman does, I had no clue why many women day "I have nothing to wear" when they have a full closet.  Now, I suffer with the same problems.  So I chose a tunic length dress and a pair of leggings for appropriateness with today's dreary weather, got dressed and out the door 45 minutes later than planned.

On the way up to Beacon, I got stuck behind traffic. When I reached Garrison, WDJ called. There were things she wanted to talk about, as well as wanting to process feelings from a matter we discussed the week before.  I ended the call when I reached Beacon, and found a parking spot a short block away from the restaurant.

I arrived at the restaurant around 12:15 and saw SWD in the window.  So I went into the restaurant and sat down at her table.  We chatted about many things, most notably issues with our significant others and what is going on with our families.  This would be a shorter lunch than usual, as we were out the door within an hour or so.  But this was OK with me - I've been feeling down since Saturday, and still need time to process my feelings from that night.

When I got home, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.  So I decided to take a nap.  By the time I got up, it was 8:00, and I realized I was in for the night.  (How many Freshly meals do I have left in my freezer?)

Chatting with my family.

I wish my real life family could have been like the Addams' Family.  They all were able to show love, manage their own lives, deal with adversity, and be their authentic selves.  Instead, we did not demonstrate love, were poor at managing our own lives, had a hard time dealing with adversity, and could not be our authentic selves.

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Today, I  spent the first half of the day doing nothing, then drove to Long Island to see my father.  This visit was much more rewarding than usual, as some family "secrets" were revealed that needed to be revealed.

I didn't get moving towards Long Island until 2:00 or so.  And my first stop was at Stew Leonard's to get lunch.  Normally, I'd pick up a fresh Lobster Roll and something to drink. But I thought the $3.99 Shrimp Roll special was good from Sunday through Wednesday, when it was only good on Tuesday this week. So I picked up a Pastrami wedge and finished it before continuing on my way. 

Normally, I'd have continued along Route 87 until I reached the Cross County Parkway, then headed South to either the Throggs Neck or Whitestone Bridge.  Instead, I made a major time-wasting decision - I decided to take the Triboro Bridge to Long Island, then the Grand Centrap Parkway to the Long Island Expressway to reach my dad's nursing home.  This more than doubled my time on the road, as I was stuck in traffic almost all the way to Roslyn.

When I got to my dad, we went downstairs to the lobby to chat for an hour. My dad gave me the heads up on what was happening in my brother's life.  Of course, I told him what was happening with me and GFJ.  Although there is no way that I'll tell my dad that I'm TG, I did say that some of the issues we're having have been there since the beginning of the relationship, and that others are communication related.  That was both true and protective of GFJ's privacy. Since my brother told me to call him when I was leaving my dad, I did so, and we agreed to meet at his office.  Originally, he thought we had enough time to get to Flushing for an Oriental dinner, but he had a 7:30 appointment he had to make.  So it was a quick dinner down the block from his office.

The first thing my brother did when we sat down to eat was to show me a video of a burning house.  Last night, around 1 am, his fire company rushed to a nearby house on fire and extinguished the fire before it burnt down the house.  He explained that the fire was in the basement, and if it was able to find a form of "chimney" for its burning gases to escape, the house would have had no chance of surviving.  Luckily, the firefighters were able to get in the house and drown the fire with (as he put it) less than a minute of margin.  Any later, and the fire would have escaped the basement and totalled the house.  Next, the two of us started talking about events in our lives.  My brother has family problems related to issues from two codependent addicts.  It is not pretty.  But it has allowed him to get to know his only daughter even better AND to enjoy the time he has left with her before she gets married and starts living in Europe.  All too early, dinner had to end, and I was back home in roughly 60 minutes.

Last night, something came out of the blue

Last night, GFJ came over after hiking with her friends.  Neither of us were hungry, so we sat down and watched some movies on TV.  By the time we were most of the way through the last film, she wanted to have a serious conversation.  I always feared something like this could come, as she isn't comfortable with the Marian side of me.  Although I'd like to be Marian 24x7, there are some things I value much more than this, and being in a relationship with a loving woman like GFJ is one of them.  Hopefully, she will understand this, as I would be heartbroken if she were to leave me.

By the time I hit the pillow, I knew that my sleep wouldn't be restful.  Since I lost my cruising partner, I now had no one close that I could talk with about this. From having a couple of people I could confide in to none in less than a month, I was hurting inside. And the last thing I wanted to do would be to anesthetize myself with food, alcohol, or other things that dull my feelings.  Grief is a bitch.  But avoiding it would be worse.

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But enough of that for now....

Sunday came along with torrential rains.  Even though I woke up at 7 and could have gone to church, I was not in the mood to do so.  The combination of everything I've been going through over the past few weeks put me in a funk. I was not in the mood to do anything (including eating), so I hung out in the apartment and watched old movies.  By the time I was ready to eat anything, it was about 5, and I scarfed down some chicken from a can. This was not the time for me to get showered and dressed, as I know I'd overeat if I went out to eat.

Will I be talking with GFJ again soon?  Maybe.  The one time we separated, she made the first move to reestablish contact.  I'm hoping she does so again.  But I won't push her - she needs time to think, and it wasn't easy for her to start last night's conversation.

I woke up late today and decided to take it easy

Normally, I would get up and out of the bed by 10 am on a typical day.  This was not the case with today.  By the time I realized the sun was out, I was not in the mood to do much of anything but watch TV.

As I noted in yesterday's posting, GFJ didn't come down last night.  After I wrote the entry, we chatted, and she said she'd be going on her nearby hike, go out for dinner with the group, and finally come to my place.  I may have had the freedom to go out as Marian, but I didn't have the emotional energy to do so. There are things I need to take care of at the apartment before GFJ arrives, and I plan to take care of some of them.  Doing some laundry is a must, as well as straightening up the bedroom.  And this will not take up much energy - it will take up time.

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Watching TV shouldn't use any emotional energy.  But if one watches the news, it's hard not to spend any energy if one is concerned about national affairs.  We live in stressful times. Our nation is polarized.  One faction is concerned about law and order, and the other is concerned about the feeling of law and order.  These are two different things, easy to see when watching news coverage on the networks.

I don't want to make this a political posting, so I won't go into the differences between the networks and how they use their "dog whistles" to manipulate their viewers.  But I feel sad that we don't agree on any objective criteria that can be used to have honest discussions.  So a simple discussion of politics becomes unnecessarily charged and will often become an energy suck.  No wonder why many people (including my former cruise partner) simply tune out.  They have only so much emotional energy to use in a day, and they don't want to waste that energy on things over which they have no control or influence.

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It is very important to save one's energy for the people and things we care about most. I figure that it is important for me to have some energy left when GFJ comes over tonight. This relationship is important to me, and I want her to always feel glad to see me when she comes to visit.

Ending the week on an off note

I only had a visit to Arts Westchester on the docket for today,  Last week, I said that I'd be making a return visit - and my contact at AW forgot that I was coming.  So she wasn't prepared for me when I arrived.  Yet, there was work that I could do that involved miscellaneous office chores . And I did that work for a couple of hours, until there was no more work to do. On the way home, I got a call from WDJ telling me about the first meeting of her new meetup group.  It didn't go as expected, but what first gatherings go as planned?  I wish her a lot of success with the group, and then remembered to sign up for it when I got home.

As you can guess, there wasn't much to occupy my day.  Since I was very tired when I got home, I stripped off my clothes and took a nap.  GFJ would likely not be coming down tonight, as she wasn't feeling that good.  Hopefully, she'll feel good enough to go for her hike tomorrow (with dinner afterwards).  If not, I'd better start looking for a meetup to go to on Sunday.  Or, I should prepare to drive to Long Island (in male presentation) to see my family. No matter what happens tonight, I still have no idea about what I'll be doing come Sunday....

I started the day with some bad news

Last night, I sent an email just to touch base about the job interview I had a month ago.  This morning, I received my reply - I was no longer being considered for the position.  Since I didn't absolutely need the job, it shouldn't bother me much.  However, I do feel a little bit of a sting due to the feeling of rejection.  Whether I was rejected because I was transgender, or if they found a better candidate shouldn't be an issue.  But I'd love to know that answer if it was appropriate for me to ask it.

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Misplacing things has always been a problem for me.  I have often dealt with it by buying extra stuff, so that I can find what I need when I need it - without having to organize my environment beforehand. Now that I don't have "excess" money coming in, one of the things I have to do is develop better habits for where I temporarily store things that I bring into the house.  The other day, I brought in a prescription I took home from the drug store, and do not remember what became of it.  Did I combine the pills with the ones remaining from my old prescription?  Or, did I misplace them in one of my rooms?  If the former, I'll have no evidence that I did so.  If the latter, the pills will show up some time in the future.

Just before I left for my weekly speech therapy session at Mercy, I found the pills that "My Pooka" hid from me.  (I'm always joking about a mischievous pooka when I'm missing something I know I have in my apartment. Just don't call him "Harvey".  Harvey hangs out with Elwood P. Dowd.)  And I was able to leave for Dobbs Ferry with a more relaxed attitude.  While on the way down, I remembered that I had to schedule my yearly physical with my doctor.  Since his office closes at 3:00, I pulled off at a highway exit, made the call, and got back on the road, losing only a couple of minutes.

Arriving at Mercy a little after 3:00, I worked with the two student clinicians.  If my voice is recorded on the iPad they use, much of my masculine vocal resonance is captured and magnified.  But if recorded on a cell phone's voice mail, my voice almost sounds feminine.  There is still a lot of work that has to be done.  But I know that a reasonably feminine voice can come from my voice box, given the voice of a famous transgender woman who was well known when I was young.

I drove back to my apartment to kill a couple of hours, and then drove down to Yonkers for the weekly round of board games.  For once, I won a game - a round of "Exploding Kittens".  And I didn't do too badly in the other games either.  But my mind was elsewhere - I was checking the news and email quite a bit on the phone.  (It didn't help that the host's daughter wanted to join in a couple of games, and she was another distraction to deal with.)  Yet, I enjoyed myself, and will miss the camaraderie of the group for the next 3 weeks.  While playing games, I had a quick message exchange with JS.  Seems like our daytime get together this weekend is off - she is seeing a couple of real estate agents on Saturday.  I guess financial reality is catching up with her after all....