Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

   .....

A tale of 3 dummy lights.

 

 

 (Dummy light in Canajoharie, NY)

Dummy lights are an anomaly in traffic control.  By modern standards, they are relatively unsafe.  They usually interfere with traffic flow, often being the indirect cause of many accidents.  Yet, three of these lights survive in New York State.  This is my tale of the three lights.

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(Dummy light in Croton, NY)

 
The Croton dummy light is very familiar to me, as I live in this town.  Unlike most dummy lights, it is not in the middle of the intersection.  Instead, it's off to the side, and tends NOT to interfere with traffic flow.  

I find it amazing that this light has survived so long.  Yet, keeping this light makes more sense than replacing it.  Installing a newer style of traffic control would ruin the character of the village, as the dummy light would need to be replaced by one (or more) hanging street light(s) whose supports would ruin the appearance of the intersection AND might make it even more dangerous.

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(Dummy light in Beacon, NY)

Like Croton's dummy light, Beacon's light also is an anomaly.  It does not interfere with traffic flow.  And, like Croton's light, adds to the character of the part of town in which it resides.  I've eaten at several restaurants in walking distance of this light, and consider it something that the town should preserve at all costs.

When I first came to the Hudson Valley, Beacon was a dump.  Thirty years later, it is one of those places that New York City residents have fallen in love with and have planted the seeds for its gentrification.  Of course, gentrification has resulted in problems for many long time residents of the valley - they can no longer afford to live here.  

I first started visiting Beacon on a regular basis when I first started going out as Marian.  First, I went to a game night meetup being held by a woman trying to draw new business to her restaurant.  (This meetup has since been disbanded, but that's another tale covered in my previous blog.)  Then, I attended a woman's meetup group for a while. This gave me needed practice going out as Marian, and gave me the confidence that I could live in the outside world as my authentic self.  (It's hard to believe that my ex girlfriend once attended this group, as she needed a ride from me to get back to her car being repaired the next day.) Eventually, this group died when the owner of the restaurant where we usually met decided to shut down the restaurant and to eventually move out of the region.

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(Dummy light in Canajoharie, NY)

On Mother's day, I decided to take a drive up to Cooperstown, NY to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame.  It was more of an excuse to get out of the house and distract myself from the boredom that has permeated my life for the past 18 months or so.   While on my trip (as Mario), I ended up seeing the one remaining dummy light in Canajoharie, NY on my way home from the HOF.

There was no reason for me to be in Canajoharie this day.  If I had a better internal road map of the area, I would not have even bothered being near this place.  But I saw a sign telling me that I could reach Route I-90 (New York Thruway) from a given road, and I made the mistake of taking that road as the rain was starting to pour.

Canajoharie is a town that time left behind.  The most notable part of the town is a large factory that shut down years ago, leaving the town with no reason for being.  And when I drove through the town, I became glad that I live in the Hudson Valley, a region which is undergoing a rebirth.

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Dummy lights are anomalies - just like me.  I'm glad that I've seen all three of these curiosities, as I expect that some law enacted in the future will cause them to be removed.  We will be losing something important when that this eventually happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things are slowly returning to normal - Game Night in Yonkers

 

This was the first time in 14 months that we met inside on a Thursday night.  And it felt strangely normal.  Since all of us were previously vaccinated, it was nice to hear the hostess tell me to feel welcome to take my mask off - which I did.

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I can't say too much about going to game night, save that most of the regular cast of characters were there for some time, and I hope to see them again soon.  Hopefully, I'll be able to stay longer, as I had to go to work the next day and needed some sleep. 

Dinner all by myself

 

I can be quite jovial when dining with friends.  But when I'm eating by myself, I often just want to get the meal over with so I can enjoy other activities that give me more pleasure.  Tonight was one of those evenings where I had no one to be with, and nothing I really wanted to eat.

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In the past, I'd be calling up a former friend in shooting the breeze.  I'd also be calling a (now) ex girlfriend for similar purposes.  But the issue still remained - how does one maintain his/her sanity when one wants a little companionship when none is available.

Humans are a very social species.  If we didn't know this before the pandemic, we certainly know it now.  If you could see all the people who were gathered around the above table, you'd see a smile on everyone's faces.  It was great to be able to get together after a year of being cooped up in one's home.

Could I have found someone to eat with today?  Possibly.  But would it have been worth it?  Probably not.  I needed some alone time....

Dinner with another friend

 

Even though I still am in contact with an ex, I don't say everything about what I do to her, and the same with her not saying everything to me.  She won last year's battle, but at a great cost to both of us.  And I think that cost is trust in the other person's motives.  

Why do I bring up the past, even in passing?

My air conditioner sleeve was being reset today, so that water condensate would drain outside instead of inside.  The ex made a comment (very true) regarding my use of the air conditioner and its use to me.  It is one of the things we can safely talk about without dredging up uncomfortable topics.  Since we got off on the wrong foot after our breakup when I talked about dating again, I don't want to talk about any of my dates with her.  Even then, I brought up FH, as this was another woman who left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

I've been chatting with a woman in New Jersey for a while, and it is time to see her in person.  Hopefully, we will get along in person over time as well as we've been getting along on the phone.  It is not the time to mention this to the ex, but not because she would object.  Instead, I would rather wait until I have a new relationship before mentioning it to the past one.  No, not to rub things in.  Instead, as part of a healing process we both need to go through.

- - - - - -

Contractor personnel was on site early in the day, and I had to let them into the place to get an idea of what they would need to do in the afternoon.  Starting around 1:15 or so, they were done with inside work around 3:15 or so, but were still working on the outside of the building after 4:45.  I can only guess what contractor will be charging for this work.  And when I do find out, I won't be mentioning it here, as this is between only the board and the contractor.

Back to the dinner....

We had agreed on a Chinese restaurant that I had gone to before.  When I got there, I found that it was open - but not for dining in.  So when my date arrived, we had to punt.  Instead of having Chinese again (I had eaten at a local Chinese joint the day before), we decided to eat at the Pizzeria next door.  Although the place was noisy, the food was good and the conversation was pleasant.  Afterwards, it was dessert at an ice cream shop down the road - another place I knew of because of TCL.

We'll see what happens with this woman.  She has a nice personality, but I'm not so sure if I'm attracted enough to get physical with her.  (And of course, I still have to reveal Marian to her....)

 

 

Dinner with a friend

 

This is a quick entry, as I need to take care of cleaning up my bedroom.  Tonight was dinner with the former student clinician who helped me work on my feminine voice.  I hate to say it, but my face still gives me away more than my size or my voice. But this isn't much of an issue if I'm treated with respect.

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I decided to wear a unitard (body suit) with the buttoned top over it.  This would make it a little easier for me to go to the bathroom if needed.  It's a very comfortable outfit, and something I may wear (with a little modification) as the weather gets warmer.  If I'm going to live in the world of women, shouldn't I have to deal with some of the problems women deal with on a regular basis?  I have two more tops in a similar style (different prints/colors) that I can wear with the unitard, and will be doing so in the future.

My friend mentioned that she'd like to visit the women's restroom in the Borough of Manhattan's president's (title?) office during the next Open House New York weekend.  I figure that we will be going into the city together, then going to the loo together.  This time, I'll be sure to get some great pictures from the bathroom stall's river view window.

Hopefully our stars will align to do more things together in the future.  I'm also hoping that things work out for her and her boyfriend, as I'd like an excuse to buy another formal gown in a color I am comfortable wearing.

An Anniversary - a quick note

 

It's hard to believe that today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary.  And I've been widowed for over twice as many years as we were married.  Do I miss my wife?  Yes.  There are only two other women who got that much of my heart, and both of those relationships were failures.

Would my wife have accepted this side of me?  Who knows?  But I can say that she accepted me wearing my feminine frills at home.  So there was a good chance that she might have accepted the Marian side of me as long as I presented myself well.

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It is acceptable in our society for a woman to present herself in a "masculine" way.  But it is generally not acceptable for a man to present himself in a "feminine" way.  For the life of me, I'll never understand this with the rational side of my mind.  But I can understand it with the more primitive side of my mind, as it has over 60 years of social programming to reinforce these views.  Hopefully, this will change for today's youth....