All I want for Christmas

 

I have to be realistic about romance and me.  I'm a failure at love.  You could blame it on my bi-gendered nature.  You could explain it away from attachment issues from childhood.  You could just say that I'm selfish.  No matter what is the root cause, I've loved and lost way too often.

Fortune granted me 11 years with my late wife.  She was no saint, but I would like to think that she could have accepted me for who and what I am now.  However, could I have accepted what she was while becoming a more mature adult?  I'm not sure.  Over the years since then, I've dated a string of women - with no long term success.  Most recently, I was in a relationship for 5 years, and failed at that as well - in part, because of who and what I am.

My Christmas wish is simple - to find a lasting love, and to be able to show her I really care.  What is your Christmas wish?

The high point of my day was dinner

 

I won't go into too much about today.  My ex and I had an interesting exchange of emails.  And thought it brought up feelings in me (and probably in her), it was a productive exchange that will likely continue over time.  What's more important is that I had dinner with Vicki tonight.  Although I can call on her for help, I always have to remember that she is a married women, and has only limited time for me.  

Vicki has a positive accomplishment of note - she has been able to lose enough weight to switch herself into the category of "overweight" from "obese".  I must relearn how, how much, and what to eat, so that I can also lose my excess weight.  It will be hard for me, given that I eat out all too often.  But with the pandemic and winter coming, I'll bet that we will soon have the same shutdowns that plagued us this spring.  However, I think that this time, most businesses will be allowed to stay open, as we can't afford the social safety net needed to keep people home and keep people and businesses solvent. So, without the excuses to eat out, I may just be successful in my attempt to lose weight.

 

 

 

 

Something to be thankful for, but....

 

What can I say about this Thanksgiving? It certainly wasn't what I would have wanted or planned. Yet, I am thankful for it....

Without going into all the other options that didn't pan out, there was one option that opened up to me too late for me to say "yes".  But I'd have rather this option had not opened up.  My friend, TCL, had invited one of her friends over to have a Thanksgiving meal with her at a local restaurant.  This gentleman is a little bit of a flake at times, but TCL made sure that I understood that her friend had a very good reason to skip the meal - he had to be admitted into the local hospital.  Although I can't go into any more details, TCL was able to show me that his situation was serious, and that he needed immediate treatment and care.  I wish I could have then said yes to TCL, but I already had plans with FH and didn't want to break them.

Many people might not have known that Boston Market was open (in a limited way) for Thanksgiving.  People had a very limited choice of meals, as the stores were doing Thanksgiving Feasts to go. Lines stretched out the doors, and out to the back of the stores. Yet, they moved quickly, as evidenced by the one I was on.  After picking up 3 meals (1 each for FH, her daughter, and me), I was off to Forest Hills for dinner.

Once I reached Queens, I decided to look for plastic utensils, so that we didn't need to clean up anything. I ended up driving through Flushing, and the area is even more built up and more like a part of Asia than I remember it being.  (The heart of Flushing is one of New York's newer Chinatowns, and I wanted to see what has changed since I was there last.)  Eventually, I made it to FH's place, and I was extremely lucky to find a place in front of her door.  Even more so, I was lucky that the door was open to her building, since both the doorman was on duty AND that the temperature was in the 60s when I arrived.

Even though I bought 3 meals, the only thing FH's daughter wanted to eat was the Mac & Cheese bowl I picked up.  The girl (she's 21) is a very picky person, and didn't even want to eat anything else on the table.  Once dinner was complete, FH and I went to her cousin's house for an outdoors holiday chat, and I eventually dropped her off at her place a little before 9 pm.

Would I have chosen this day, knowing how things would be?  Probably not.  But I am grateful that FH is comfortable introducing me to her cousin and his daughter. And I am grateful that I had this place to be on Thanksgiving, a holiday I could have easily spent alone and depressed.

 

 

Exchanging emails, a helpful lunch, zooming with Texas, and another lost friend.

 

Well, I had an exchange of emails with the ex, and I found out that either the leader doesn't want me at the meetup, or that the ex doesn't really want me there.  I have learned to distrust anomalous situations.  However, something good came of this exchange - we said a lot more in the exchange than we said when we were together.  No, I won't go into details here, but let's say that our problems were set in motion by a clash in communication styles, a few mistakes from me, and fear on her part.  I can easily say that if we understood each other's methods of communication, we'd have been able to be friends. But I have many doubts that this is possible, as I feel that she is still holding in way too much anger towards me to risk having that friendship.  So this put my mood for the day into a "down" mode, and I was glad I had lunch with a friend coming up.

There are only a handful of times that I have ever felt so down when someone leaves my life. And it always has been a woman who triggers this depressed feeling.  The ex triggered it last year, and it still plagues me.  Today was a day I needed to talk with someone, and FL was my scheduled lunch date.  She made me feel a lot better, telling me two things of note.  First, she noted that many women are socialized to be excessively nice, and do not stand up for themselves in ways that men will understand.  As a result, when women finally get to the point where they can't stand something, men have totally misread their mates and the women are ready to exit. (It doesn't help that many men don't know how to restrain themselves physically. But that's another issue - and I'll side with women here.)  This was likely the case with the ex and me.  Second, she gave me a clue of how I should bring up my bi-gender nature with a new woman, noting how what I said to her caused her to have issues. (I won't go into this here and now.  Maybe I will at some future date.)  I'm grateful that she wants to be a good friend.

Later on, I had my Zoom meeting with the folks from Texas.  There were only the three of us ladies on the line, and we had a good chat.  I couldn't help but to note my depressed state, and I was glad that these two women were there for me.  

- - - - -

You may wonder why I didn't call Vicki today, when I really needed to be with and talk with friends.  First, she's the type of close friend who I can call on for almost anything.  But I can't call on her often.  She'd be upset at me if I were to mention the ex, as Vicki feels that the ex is playing a game with me.  And she could be right.  I wonder what will happen in the other meetup groups next year when Covid-19 is "extinguished."  I'll deal with that problem when it comes.

Sometime soon, I expect another email from the ex which will trigger more feelings in me.  However, I hope I made her think about some things - not to cause her grief.  Instead, to trigger some introspection, in order to see that we both screwed up big time in the last year we were together.  As much as Vicki would tell me to run away, I wouldn't mind finding a way to have a friendship with the ex.  (I'd hate to feel that extreme sense of loss again, especially twice triggered by the same woman.)

- - - - - -

On other matters, I have been trying to find a close friend who has totally gone off the grid. WDS was my best man at my wedding, and I was there for him when his wife died. Even after a few years of not seeing each other, when he found out that I got a new job, he gifted me a top of the line iPad. We emailed each other every few months, and last communicated in May. Well, I tried to reach him by email several times, and no response.  Given that we are living in the age of the pandemic, I have grown very concerned for him. So I read through our past emails, and found the name of someone who helped him Agility train his dog. And I sent an email to this person (after doing a Google search for her), asking if she knows how to contact him.  Hopefully, I'll be able to locate him, alive and kicking.  Given that he lives in Florida (a high Covid-19 infection rate state) and that he has a minimal traceable presence, it would be nice if this person can give me a phone number, or tell me what happened to him.  I'd hate to find out that I lost another friend, and that he left no instructions to contact people like me.

 

PS:  He finally responded to my email.  In the past, he'd respond quickly.  After my follow up, I asked for his phone number.  No reply yet on that request.

 

 

Soon, 2020 will be over.

I pass over the Bear Mountain Bridge several times each month. But when I looked at the above photo, I was reminded of how rarely I go to this tower to get a view of the Hudson River "from above".  This picture was taken over a decade ago, before things started to go sour in my life. And it also reminds me that there will be a time after the virus is long past.

Why do I mention this right now?

For most of us, 2020 has been a terrible year.  I lost my dad.  My niece has had to postpone her wedding 3 times, and friends have lost their jobs due to the virus.  And I am one of the "Lucky" ones.  My dad lived a full 92 years, my niece is living with her fiancee (having recovered from Covid-19), and my friends have been able to find work.  Others have had it much, much worse than me, my friends, and my family.

Things are starting to look up for us.  Initial deliveries of the Coronavirus vaccines are being scheduled, planning for mass inoculations is taking place, and the economy is recovering.  If we're lucky, by this time next year, 2020 will be a bad, but persistent memory.

- - - - - -

2020 was remarkable in many ways for me. It was the first year in a long while where I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up with in private. Yet, it allowed me to go to work as Marian for the better part of 10 months. During the year, I met new people, and was able to develop at least 1 new friendship.  No, this friendship may not be as deep as the ones I lost last year.  But it is a start for me.

Having worked at the census for the better part of 10 months as Marian, I feel confident that I will be able to find work again as Marian.  This may turn off some people.  But I don't care much about them. Unless I'm living with a woman who needs to see Mario most of the time, I'd like to be living as much of my life as Marian as possible.

2021, I hope, will be a year which I finally get my weight under control.  My goal is to be wearing size 18 clothes within the next 2 years.  Yes, I'll have to replace both of my wardrobes, but it will be worth it if I'm successful.  Additionally, I'd like to be in a new serious relationship by the end of next year. (I miss the touch of someone next to me in bed.) Hopefully, I'll finally be able to take a Hawaiian cruise, preferably as Marian.

 

.

An amazing lack of good information

 

The other day, I found out that Mario was dropped from one meetup group without explanation.  As much as my ex girlfriend claims she didn't have a hand in it, I have my doubts - there has been way too many weird coincidences in the timing of things, as if she's trying to gaslight me.  So be it.  I'd like to bury the hatchet, be able to attend this group as Mario, and still be civil and friendly towards this woman. (She said she'd not mind if I did so.)  But she won't help me with membership in the group.  So, sadly, too much bad blood may have been spilled, and she may hold a grudge that won't go away. Or, just maybe, she's very uncomfortable seeing me in any form, because she has regrets herself? (I won't go into more here, save that I was only looking to attend the group only to develop friendships.  But I'd have also liked the chance to show her that we could be in the same place and that nothing bad would happen.)

So, on Friday night, I wasn't able to sleep much   And I wished I could cancel my Saturday date with FH, as we'd be driving up to Woodstock for the day, then driving back to Queens to bring her home, and finally back to Croton to sleep.  Yet, this trip was worth it, as she had a good time, and that she realized that it's an extra 100 miles for me to drive, just to bring her home.  We discussed our Thanksgiving plans, and it finally looks like I'll pick up dinner at Boston Market, then bringing it to her place for our feast.

After a long drive on Saturday, I was amazed that I had the energy to see JM on Sunday. For this date, I met her in front of her apartment, and then drove to Greenwich Village to enjoy some sidewalk dining before it got too cold to eat outside.  As usual, JM and I had a good time, and we will likely meet again.  One potential problem is here - will she run away when she finds out I live part of my life as Marian?  I know one thing - she seems to like what she sees so far.                        

 

 

 

 

 

I'm feeling a little bit down.

 

Although I had no present intentions to attend the dining group that I was blackballed from by my ex, it still stings a little when several months later, Mario was finally removed.  This leads me to wonder - did the ex find a new boyfriend?  It would be nice to think it so.  But that's not my horse, and certainly not my rodeo any longer.

For the better part of the year, this pandemic has gotten in the way of me healing from the slings and arrows of the recent past, and moving forward in my life.  As much as I like the women who have been passing through my life lately, I feel that I could have done better had I not been a failed relationship for 5 years.  No, I'm not complaining about these women or the failed relationship.  Instead, I was younger, a bit more attractive, and less calloused in regard to romance way back then.  For all I know, I'd have hooked up with someone who enjoyed the "whole" of me, and not be alone during the worst of the pandemic.

With all of this being said, I had some good things happen in regard to my feminine presentation. The other day, I went to an outdoor service where the ashes of a friend's husband were buried.  This woman's children liked me, and my friend said I was looking better than before.  (At the time, I was wearing a forest green maxi dress with a mock turtleneck.  I did look good in the dress, and I haven't worn it since last winter.)  This friend noted that I now appear completely natural when presenting as female, save that I am large.  (How true this is to others is something else.)  

At least, I still have family and friends.  No, not as many as I'd like.  But I cherish my family and the true friends I have.  And for that, I am grateful.