An Anniversary - a quick note

 

It's hard to believe that today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary.  And I've been widowed for over twice as many years as we were married.  Do I miss my wife?  Yes.  There are only two other women who got that much of my heart, and both of those relationships were failures.

Would my wife have accepted this side of me?  Who knows?  But I can say that she accepted me wearing my feminine frills at home.  So there was a good chance that she might have accepted the Marian side of me as long as I presented myself well.

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It is acceptable in our society for a woman to present herself in a "masculine" way.  But it is generally not acceptable for a man to present himself in a "feminine" way.  For the life of me, I'll never understand this with the rational side of my mind.  But I can understand it with the more primitive side of my mind, as it has over 60 years of social programming to reinforce these views.  Hopefully, this will change for today's youth....

People are still getting used to a "post Covid-19" future

 

It's hard to believe that it has been 5 years since the above picture was taken.  I find it amazing how much I've grown being Marian, and how much I've lost at the same time.  No one can turn back the clock and relive the past.  Yet, one can learn from it, and see the shades of gray in someone else's arguments.  In my case, I've given up hoping that one person will see that I was also wronged in our disagreement, as this would mean she would accept a little blame for herself.  And this made me think a little more about FH.

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About a week ago, I was out on a date with FH.  She got lost in her own frustrations when I was having troubles paying for parking using the machine which was provided for this purpose.  Not caring how I felt, she continued to make comments about the machine when I needed peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do next - before my frustration started to control me.  So I asked her to be quiet for a minute, and she said that she'd talk as much as she wanted - as if my issues were of no concern.  Eventually, we were told that we could pay at the exit gate (something I didn't know at the time), and we went to my car to go home.  In the car, I missed the turn for the exit, and she decided to give me a hard time when I said something to myself. She was obviously angry and looking to make me feel bad.  Once we finally exited the lot, she started to make a big deal about things, bringing up the Marian side of me, just to fight dirty in our argument.  So I was quite relieved when I dropped her at her apartment, never to see her again.

It seems like some women like doing this to men they no longer want in their lives.  Instead of saying that things are not working out, and I don't want to see you near my circle of friends, they sabotage things to make this happen.  They also do many other things instead of stating their needs.  In the case of FH, this looks orchestrated, as she first made a big deal of me "stalking her" on Facebook (I only left an active chat window open, and never bothered looking at her Facebook page - all she does is post photographs of herself there) when she unfriended me.  Even though she apologized, and said that she was loopy from a sleeping pill (I know that the pill was an anti-depressant, as I picked them up at the drug store for her once), she never looked to refriend me there.  I wasn't going to make the first move, as I knew something was up.  Then, when she asked me to come down on a Friday night and go to dinner where she knew things were crowded and problems would likely occur, this should have been another sign she was up to something.  When the argument happened it was no surprise - she simply looked for an excuse to achieve something she was too uncomfortable asking for.  She couldn't say that she simply didn't want me around, now that the Covid-19 pandemic restrictions had been eased off.

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There are so many people who can't communicate well.  And we're going to see a lot of strange behavior from people now that the pandemic restrictions are easing off.  Last night, I made a comment to someone that said simply - I hope you enjoy your evening.  And I got back a response that reflected some of the awkwardness I saw in FH.  What is it about people who can not see shades of gray?  More importantly, what is it about the pandemic that brought out the worst in people?

As things open up, people will struggle to find a new normal. Yes, vaccinated people will continue to wear masks for a while. This will also ease off over time. But what about the anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers? Will they freeload off of our immunizations? Today, I saw this message coming from a person in my gaming group:

I know how kind hearted you both are, but are visitors allowed to ridicule adults who refused to get the vaccine without any rational reason?  If this is prohibited, can we at least use "veiled" insults, like, "What's with the mask indoors, Count Maskula?" Or, "Hey, you do know the Earth is round, riiiiiiiight?"

Asking for a rage filled friend who has problems keeping quiet on certain subjects.

I'm vaccinated.

Sincerely,

Xxxxxx Xxxxxx

Although I know this friend is being a little humorous, there is a cynicism implicit in his email.  I'm pretty sure that I know who this person is talking about.  But I'm going to keep my mouth shut unless someone makes an inappropriate statement, and will criticize the person for coming to a place where only inoculated people are welcome.

Tomorrow, I'll be going out to dinner with Vicki and going to the first indoor HVRW dinner since before the pandemic started.  Hopefully, it will be a pleasant night to remember.

PS: On the Monday after I wrote this entry, I received a message from FH. She wanted to say hello and to see how I was doing.  I mentioned that I was cleaning out my bedroom so that a contractor could reset an air conditioner sleeve.  She complained that we hadn't spoken in a week, and all I could do is talk about my AC.  Then, normally, you ask "how are you?" or say "nice to hear from you."  Kvetch, Kvetch, Kvetch.  I meant what I said about not calling her again.

Dating is such a pain in the ass

 

My ex broke up with me shortly before the pandemic struck, and it was all downhill for a while.  When I received a hurtful email on my birthday, I knew that I could either continue to make things worse for myself and others, or to figure out a way to start healing.  In many ways, the less I say about the ex, the better.  So I will focus on the healing process.

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A long time ago, I dated TCL.  And we decided to be "just friends" shortly afterwards.  Why did I not pursue a relationship with her?  She's the type of person who will meander from topic to topic, getting lost in the process.  In a way, it's like a programmer tracing code through a series of "nested IF statements" and getting lost in the depths of the statements.  TCL has to be interrupted in order for you to get a word in, and I don't think she realizes she does this.  If I don't get the chance to speak once in a while, I get bored.  Who wants to be bored by a person one might want to live with someday?  She was typical of many of the women I dated before meeting my ex girlfriend - all had one obvious trait that would get under my skin.

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My personal ad was out before the pandemic struck, but I met FH shortly after people were told they could meet outdoors while wearing masks.  No one really know how the virus spread in those days, and I can still remember driving FH home from the heart of Forest Hills.  She wasn't perfect, but she was better than having no one to keep busy with on weekends. However, this doesn't say much about FH.  She's an educated woman who was always commenting on her crazy family.  As the old saying goes, "it takes one to know one."  I'll always wonder if she asked herself whether she was as crazy as her siblings.  From what I can tell from her brother, he is a product of his environment and of his news bubble.  FH lives within NYC limits, and her brother in the suburbs. She's a Democrat, and he's a Republican.  Both siblings often see each other through a political lens.  Needless to say, I've heard her make incendiary statements about all Republicans.  Although they may be true of many in the GOP, it would be unfair to paint them all using the same brush.  Sadly, she's a person who doesn't know how to let things drop - and one has to do this in order to have a successful relationship.

During this time, I met FL, and we had a few dates before she backed away.  Of course, she was spooked by me as Marian, and broke up with me before we things got too serious.  FL and I are still friends, and we get along well.  Unfortunately, she now lives too far away for me to visit on a regular basis. 

But there were other women. GS lives in the Hudson Valley, and we had a handful of dates before the weather got cold.  There was no real chemistry between us, but my female presentation wasn't an issue for her.  Instead, I think that her financial situation was precarious due to the pandemic, and she had bigger problems to worry about than dating.

I won't go through the whole list here, but I've gotten to hate having to learn a bit about a person, only to forget it later on.  I want to spend my time building memories with someone who cares for me.  Maybe that's why I said I wasted 5 years dating one woman - I have only so much time left to build memories, and I hate wasting time before I find that person I can build memories with.

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Lucky, the pandemic seems to be easing off, and things are slowly returning to "normal".  Hopefully, some nice women will "swipe right" on my profile, and that one of them is a good match for me, and me for her....

I found out that someone reads my blog on occasion

 

 

  

Ever have someone pop back into your life, pull their typical nasty shit then pop out again? Boy, it seriously makes me want to play wack-a-mole. 

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But seriously....

Recently, in response to one of my posts, a former friend wrote a nasty comment which I will not display here.  Any mention of her that I have made in this blog does not mention her name, show her picture (with a discernible face), or say anything about her personal life.  I will freely admit that I talked a little too much in the past about things that shouldn't have been mentioned. So, do I erase her existence from my past?  To answer my own question, I will not erase the fact that she existed, but I will reference the past if only to note my mistakes in life - especially regarding her.  And if she doesn't like it, she can send an email directly to me to tell me what objections she has. If her complaint is reasonable to me, I will perform some edits to the blog. Although we will never be friends again, I will do this as a courtesy, and nothing more than that.

In regard to another person, I felt that any mention of a dispute that we had was fair game, as long as I stated things from my point of view.  At least, with this person in this blog, there is no mention of her name, no showing of her picture, no identification of her business.  But I was asked not to talk about our conversation in this forum, and I complied for reasons I will not discuss here..  (This may be the only time I reference the discussion here - for obvious reasons.) 

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Today, I went to the office knowing that I'd be directly hired by the firm to do the job I'm already doing through an agency.  I would now become a direct employee, eligible for benefits.   But to do this, I'd have to show my male ID in a place where I've always presented as female.  So, I went into the office with an almost unnoticeable nervousness (if you could even call it that) regarding the unknown.  But I needn't have had any concerns - I was treated professionally by the lady in HR.  

As I get older, the more I find that people in the Northeast will generally treat a transgender person with respect, as long as that person exudes a sense of self confidence.  Yes, your mileage will vary, as old commercials used to say. But a smile at the right person, a kindly word at the right time, and a helpful gesture can go a long way towards being accepted.

A while back, I met another trans person at the LGBT center in White Plains.  This person came up to me and said I was an inspiration that helped this person with the first stages of transition.  (I avoid citing gender here, as I don't remember which direction of transition this person was on.)   At least, I can say that I made a positive contribution to one person's life.

- - - - - -

But I still wonder. Is there anyone else that I inspire?

 

It was an unusual weekend to say the least

This weekend started off in a memorable way.  First, my boss called me into his office and told me that the firm is bringing me onto the "staff payroll" instead of being paid through an agency.  This means that once again, I have to fill in paperwork to get my job.  This time, HR (and some others) may be a little surprised when they see paperwork in Mario's name instead of Marian's name.  Luckily, I've always used an informal version of my name that's androgynous and can be used by either sex.  

But Friday was much more than being given the job that I thought I'd be given the following week.  I finally was able to talk to the contractors who have been fixing up the apartment below me for sale.  Hopefully, I'll be able to see the bathroom once they are done, and get an estimate (time and money) of what it will take to do the same thing in my place.  Then, I drove to see FH for dinner.  

FH was in rare form on Friday.  Going to a busy area to eat at a chain restaurant will likely end up resulting in a long wait when NYC is still under pandemic restrictions.  She wanted to eat at the Cheesecake Factory in Rego Park, Queens.  So I drove to the shopping center, got the parking ticket, and proceeded to the restaurant where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Next, we walked across the street to the Olive Garden where we were told it would be a 1 hour wait for a seat. And then, we walked to the Longhorn Steakhouse where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Guess where we ate - the Olive Garden.  

There is a good reason why people choose to eat somewhere other than the Olive Garden.  Most of the food is excessively salty and excessively starchy.  (What do you expect from a pseudo Italian restaurant chain?)  After 45 minutes waiting on a chilly park bench, we walked to the restaurant and had a mediocre meal.  And that's where the fun begins.  When trying to use the parking lot payment machine, the machine refused to accept my credit card.  I had no way of knowing that this lot accepts payments at the exit gate.  So I started getting frustrated, and asked FH to be quiet for a moment so that I can deal with my frustration.  She kept talking, only making it worse.  Eventually, I got mad at her and told her to shut up.  She got mad as well, and we escalated things to the point where I said that I wouldn't bother calling her again. Eventually, the parking lot attendant told us that he had to reset the machine and that we should pay at the exit gate.

At this point, all I wanted to do was get out of the parking lot and drop FH off at her place.  She started up her argument again, saying that I was wrong and that she would speak whenever she wanted to - even when the person next to her needs a little bit of quiet for a minute.  She even brought up Marian, and I told her that this part of me is not up for discussion as it is not germane to the argument.  So I was glad to get her out of my car quickly, and then call a friend.  Thankfully, Vicki was available.  She noted that it is easy to understand why someone who has as little empathy as FH has never been married.  And then she said that this makes it much easier for me to start dating people who have a better chance of meeting my needs for a mate.

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Saturday came, and I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I knew that today had to be laundry day if I wanted to go on my date with APJ (as I'll call her for now - it could change).  So I decided to get up and finally start my day around 10:30.  But that didn't mean that I'd start any chores then - that was around 1:00 pm when I brought my laundry downstairs.

Once I was done with my laundry, I got ready to go meet APJ in Hackensack.  I did a quick shower and shave, and got dressed for the second day in a row as Mario.  Then it was off to Jersey.  Both of us fought the usual Saturday traffic to get to the diner, and we chatted for almost 2 1/2 hours.  So far, so good.  But I will have to tell her about Marian before we get intimate.  And I only can imagine what she will think when I do so.

Since I know that I'll need lunch for Monday and Tuesday, I stopped by Shop Rite on the way home.  While there, I looked for a cheap succulent plant to leave a friend as a gift.  I couldn't find one in my price range.  So, I decided on buying a "lucky" bamboo plant, and will leave it on the friend's doorstep on my way upstate tomorrow.

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In many ways, I wish I could have been one of the women who wore uniforms like the one above.  Sadly, the market for women's baseball died when the men came back from WW2, but a good movie came from it.  (By the way, what do the movies "A League of Their Own" and "The Green Mile" have in common?  Answer below....)

I knew that I was going to have less time in Cooperstown than I wanted, as I woke up later than planned. But I figured that I had enough time to drop off yesterday's gift, and then go to Cooperstown for a 3+ hour visit to the Hall of Fame.  So I got in my car and wasted time at the local Mickey D's before getting on the thruway.  Usually, it takes me about 45-60 minutes to reach the thruway, and based on the time I budget to reach Catskill, it would be another 2 hours to reach Cooperstown by back roads from there.  During the daytime, this is a beautiful drive.  Yet, I wouldn't recommend doing it at night, as these are rural roads with little traffic and no cell phone service.  Eventually, I made it to Cooperstown, and found free parking without trouble, then had no problems buying my ticket for the museum.  (Later on, I was told by a local NOT to visit Cooperstown from Memorial Day to Columbus Day, as the crowds ruin the place - something I experienced when I visited with my (now) ex girlfriend a couple of years ago.)  It would be easy to go on and on about the exhibits at the museum.  But for baseball fans, it's a shrine worth visiting at least once.

Around 4:30, it was time to go home.  And I didn't want to take those back roads at night and in the rain. So I drove North to Route 20, then made the mistake of taking more side roads to reach the thruway.  This must have added at least 30-45 minutes to my return trip home.  Once on the thruway, it was a lead footed drive home.  With one stop at the local supermarket for tomorrow's lunch, I was home in 4 hours.  Not bad, considering everything.

 

 

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Answer to above question:

Both movies have a scene where Tom Hanks' character urinates off screen.  In "A League of Their Own", the duration of his urination is mentioned.  In "Green Mile", the character has a UTI that ends up being cured by the wrongly convicted man on death row.

It's going to be a long weekend

 

I'm going to be brief today.   It's going to be a long weekend, as I'm starting off with seeing FH tonight.  Normally, I see her on a Saturday due to our work schedules.  However, this week, her daughter wants to see her alone on a Saturday (mom works on Sunday) to celebrate Mother's Day.  So, guess who has to change back to Mario on Friday for a late dinner?

Saturday is a second date (if all goes right) with one woman from Jersey, and FH's change of schedule works out for me, as I can see this woman at a normal time and day.  Most importantly, I am free on Sunday.  And this means that I will be able to make a drive to Cooperstown to see Roy Hobbs' uniform again.  This trip will be one done as Marian - I hope.  

You might ask, why Cooperstown?  I have a goal in mind.  There is someone I've had a disagreement with who has mentioned what I did for her once.  Well, I want to riff on that theme and give this person a similar (but very different) gift.  In short, I want to shock the shit out of her, but leave a smile on her face.  

Let's see if all my planning works out on a busy weekend....

I've been writing less often for a few days, and it feels good.

 

Most of the time, I used to post what came to mind - and I crossed the line into revealing things about others which should have stayed private.  I lost FCP as a friend because of this, and at least one more person because I did this.  So I've been giving this blog a little bit of a rest lately.

Although I had a good weekend, I don't feel pressured to write about it.  However, I did get one thought.  In one conversation, something involving Mother's Day came up.  If the weather is nice, and I have a little bit of luck, I plan on doing something nice for someone who may just need something nice and who doesn't dream that I would do that something nice.  And while doing that something nice for someone, I will do something nice for me and take a nice day trip to Cooperstown.