Where can a zaftig woman shop now?

It's sad to see a store chain die - especially when it is one that you depended on for clothing that fits.  In my case, it was Catherine's, a brand of the Ascena Group.  This firm also owns the Lane Bryant chain, and will be keeping many of their stores open.  Unfortunately, there will be no Lane Bryant stores near me, nor will there be any stores left that cater to the larger, plus size woman.

Over the years, shopping has migrated to the internet.  For many, this has been a good thing.  But I've yet to believe that this is the case with women's clothing lines.  There is little standardization in sizes, and one firm's size 2X could be another firm's size 5X.  This is one of the many reasons why I didn't like a former friend buying clothes for me.  Not only did this former friend's taste differ from mine in important ways, but she didn't know how to make sure something would fit me (or look good on me) once it was given to me.  Her heart was in the right place for the most part, but she didn't understand that I didn't want to get caught up in needless gift giving - her friendship was the gift I valued most, not the goods she gave me.  Since this woman is no longer a friend, I have the memories of the friendship and some of the little gifts I found use for.

In the past, I never thought twice of making a run to The Avenue in Newburgh, Catherine's in Paramus, or any one of the many Lane Bryant stores.  By the time you read this post, The Avenue will have been gone for almost a year, all Catherine's stores will be closed, and only a handful of Lane Bryant stores will be left open.  Even so, it was a shock to see the Lane Bryant in the Palisades Park Mall in West Nyack devoid of 90% of its merchandise.  I thought that was going to be one of the few stores that would have survived.  But with internet shopping the way it is, and the Pandemic hurting Mall sales, I shouldn't have been surprised to see this store being closed.

Luckily, I get a lot of paper catalogs from "successful" online sales outlets such as Woman Within and Ulla Popken.  However, once I lose weight, I'll probably internet order the plus size offerings from Talbot's and JJill.  Eventually, if I get to a size 18 and stabilize at that figure, I'll probably invest in a few Eileen Fisher outfits.  But that won't be for a couple of years....

An interesting end to a week....

This past week, I had the pleasure of being able to get up late from Monday to Thursday, having been scheduled to work evening shift these days. Yes, I was able to watch my Perry Mason reruns, as well as a little bit of Morning Joe when I was awake by 8 am. But this is an aside to what my week was like.

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The week opened up with me having a discussion to the woman in Queens that I've had several dates with. We cleared up some things, and agreed to get together over the weekend for a sort of field trip to Eastern Long Island for the day. Next, I found out that the woman I dated from the Hudson Valley in Marian Mode wasn't available to lunch during the week, so we agreed to get together next week to do something. However, I found that she took her profile down from OK Cupid. Did she find someone special yet? (After two dates, I can't say it was me.) So we'll see when I am contact with her next. And then there is the woman from New Jersey that I dated for the first time last week. We have been chatting online on and off, and we scheduled a date for Saturday evening. This will give me just enough time to change into Mario Mode and relax a little before driving to the restaurant to meet her.

There was a diminished amount of work for me to do at the office. Will I be renewed for another 8 weeks? I'll let you know when I find out next week. Since I'm on the schedule for the whole week, I'm assuming this is the case. However, working in the evening has interfered with my ability to be on zoom meetups with my friends from Texas. Luckily, I am able to do this for a half hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays when things are slow at the office - I go out for my "lunch" and get on to the zoom meetup using my cell phone.

My original work schedule request for the week had me working evenings, so that I could take TCL to the clinic for an outpatient procedure. Unfortunately, this procedure couldn't be done at the clinic (I won't do into any details here - TCL deserves her privacy). So, I'll be taking her to the hospital for a different procedure to accomplish the same goals in September. Hopefully, this time, the doctors will be more successful than in the past.

After a quick lunch with TCL at the local Panera Bread, it was off to New Paltz for a meetup with the Live Music group. Traffic was much worse than usual (even for a Friday), and taking side roads didn't help much. In fact, my car started to overheat because of the hard driving I was doing, so I stopped off along the way to give the car a chance to cool down. (It's time that I consider buying a new car.) Eventually, I made it to the meetup, and I was 90% of the way to my ex-girlfriend's house. If I had known the place was this far out of New Paltz, I'd have skipped the meetup, as it was in the woods. And even with bug spray, I was getting eaten by the bugs - something I've always hated when hiking or spending time in the woods

While chatting with the gals in the meetup, I started to sign up for other meetups being held by this group. Although there was no conflict, I noticed that my ex signed up for events after I did. I won't say anything to her. But if she comes when I'm there, I'll note that she has her dinner group, and I now have this group. If she wants to attend while I'm there, she'll have to accept me in Marian mode. Otherwise, she can stay in her group and leave me alone. (Now, to figure out what to say if we're in the same place at the same time.) I only wonder what things will be like when the weather gets cooler. Her group will likely have zoom meetups, and this one won't. At least, I now have some ways of being in contact with people during a lock down.

It's easy to see that I haven't taken the time to straighten up my apartment. Not being able to lead a full social life has caused me to be a little depressed. And the state of my apartment reflects this. Sooner or later, I'll finally get around to cleaning up the apartment. Then, and only then, can I start things up with my cleaning lady again. I look forward to that....

- - - - - -


PS: I told the woman from New Jersey about my bi-gendered life, and she didn't run away. Instead, she did her research, and still wants to see me. There is hope yet.


PPS: The woman from the Mid Hudson region is still interested, but she is awaiting the results of a COVID test.

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

- - - - - -

I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

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This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

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As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life. 

It seems a little strange

It's funny how things have changed in the past few years....  The other day, I had plans to meet a woman for a date. Normally, this would not be an issue for me.  However, I was so comfortable in the casual female outfit I was wearing that I didn't want to change into male mode for this date.  What does this say about who and what I am becoming?  Although I finally changed into a pumpkin and went on the date, there was a part of me that missed being able to stay in my female presentation.  After spending Monday through Thursday working in female mode, it became hard for me to change into male mode - something I used to do much more often than I do now. 

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Recently, I received a message from the host of our Thursday night gaming group.  The family misses our weekly gaming sessions, and would like to host another outdoor session.  Hopefully, the weather will be good enough for a comfortable get together.  It will be nice to see everyone again.  I just wonder - what will winter be like?  Will they be comfortable having the usual gang in their house?  Or, will they play it safe and wait until there is a vaccine for the virus? 

Thinking about the gaming group, I'll soon be seeing one of the ladies from the group for lunch.  I have to treat this person with kid gloves, as I need to be sure if her intentions are friendship or something else.  I will entertain both options, but play the passive recipient of interest - showing my interest, but in a way that she has to initiate the next step forward.

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So far, none of the groups I'm really interested in (save Thursday night gaming) has had an in person meeting, other than the Live Music group.  And this group has several more meetings scheduled during the Summer - until the colder weather sets in.  Until then, I am registered for several meetups, while the ex girlfriend has stayed in her group for the most part.  And this suits me fine.  Sooner or later, our paths will cross and I will treat her civilly - as if I were meeting a total stranger.  (Actually, I'd be more friendly to the total stranger, as I'd have the possibility of making a new friend.  With the ex, I just want her out of my way so that she doesn't interfere with me participating in any other social activities.)

- - - - - -

WDJ came out of the woodwork a little, sending me this message a little over a week ago:

I'm going out today, need to shower, shampoo, get dressed etc & leave early so my time is limited. BUT if you give me a ph # where I can call you, I can talk a little bit-no gossip, just some straight up convo.
I wonder what's going on with her.  She has my phone number, so what does she want to talk about?  I know that she is now Facebook friends with the ex, so I wonder....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have 3, maybe 4, dating irons in the fire and I'll have to let some go soon.  The woman from Long Island is nice, but I'm not sure if there is enough chemistry there to make things work.  The woman I have seen twice in Marian Mode is nice, but I don't yet know enough about her to know what her baggage is.  And then, the woman I saw this Thursday is nice, has a similar set of goals as I do.  But can she accept me as Marian as well as Mario?  Of course, I should not forget the possibility of the woman from my gaming meetup - is she interested in me as more than a friend?  

- - - - - -

Given what 2020 has been like so far, I'd like to turn the clock back a few years and do a reset.  I spent too much time with someone who couldn't accept me for who I am.  I looked for work that I wasn't that interested (or qualified) in doing. And, I talked too much about someone else's life in my blogs.  I'd bet if I had made a few different decisions, I'd have been in a better place when 2020 came along.  Since there is no such thing as a working time machine, I guess I'll have to learn from my mistakes and prepare to make new and different ones....

Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

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Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

- - - - - -

Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

"Dating" as Marian.

This weekend, I met a woman who responded to my "Marian Mode" personal ad.  Not half as many women bother to contact me, as most are put off by the idea of a gender non-conforming mate.  Given our culture, I can't blame them - we put way too much emphasis on what a person wears, and not enough emphasis on what the person is inside.

- - - - - -

It's not easy being a single person who prefers to appear as that of the gender one prefers to date.  If my wife had lived, I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in a dress.  Sadly, I wasted 5 years on one girlfriend because of this.  But I was lucky when I told one woman on our second date, that she knew she couldn't deal with it - and we parted as friends.

This new woman has seen a little bit of everything, and is a transplanted New Yorker who just happens to enjoy life in the Hudson Valley - as I do.  However, I know not to count my chickens before they hatch - there are many other reasons why this woman may not find me appropriate dating material.  Luckily, my clothing preference wouldn't be an issue with her.

The big question always becomes - how do I break this secret to a woman when she starts to find me interesting enough to see several times?  In the case of one woman, several women said that I was the better dresser, and maybe a little prettier as well.  Although I could not agree with the latter part of that statement, I can only imagine what this woman would feel seeing me as Marian.

A few weeks ago, I dated another woman who couldn't deal with having a bi-gendered person as a partner.  Since she had issues that would take her off of my "dateable" list, we became  friends and have seen each other several times since then.  Women can deal with a transgendered friend much more than they can deal with that same person (even in the mode they prefer) as a partner.  I guess this is where female identity is weakest - they can't imagine why any "man" would ever want to be a woman.  And if they can do so, they feel very uncomfortable partnering with someone who feels this way. 

Sadly, people like me are "Neither fish nor fowl."  But that's OK with me.  It takes a special type of confidence to partner with a person like me, and a partner who can do so is worth more than her weight in gold and diamonds.

Vacation planning is a pain this year.

I love New England and Atlantic Canada for vacation visits.  Sadly, Canada is closed off until America gets the virus under control.  As long as Trump is in power AND the GOP has veto power over any reasonable ways to deal with the mess the pandemic has caused, I will not be able to take a cruise to Nova Scotia.  Luckily, most of New England is still open to us New Yorkers.

On August 1st, Hawaii is open to visitors again.  However, people must have the results of a Coronavirus test taken within the past 72 hours - no testing will be done upon arrival.  This means that it doesn't yet make sense to schedule a Hawaii vacation.  Yet, I may consider doing the research to flying to Hawaii, stay in Honolulu for a few days, and then travel to the Big Island for some more exploring.  If I do it this way, I may end up spending as much money as I would have on the cruise, but have a more flexible schedule to work with.

If I schedule the cruise in the near future, I have a question yet to be resolved - would the woman I've been seeing still be with me at that time?  I plan to tell her about my bi-gendered nature in the near future, as she has a right to know this about me before we get physically intimate.  If this woman can accept me in both modes, this would be a perfect trip for us, as she has never been to Hawaii.

Right now, I'm assuming that the Census Bureau will start laying us off sometime in September.  If my employment ends around Labor Day, I'll try to make vacation plans for Provincetown, MA, and spend a few days there.  If it's a little later, I'll skip being near the beach and spend a few days in Upstate New York.  (I still want to get back to the Baseball Hall of Fame, as well as other museums that are open there.)  If Pennsylvania is off the 31 state New York quarantine list, then I might decide to see Fallingwater if that site is open.

TCL and I have discussed to trip to Cleveland a while back.  We'd stay with one of her friends, and then visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  I would have to do all the driving on that trip, but it might be a nice thing to do if Ohio is off the quarantine list later in the year. There are may things we could see on the way out there and back, and we wouldn't have to worry about the expense of hotel rooms.

Hopefully, next year will be a better year for planning a vacation.