There are differing degrees of being busy....

 

Later this week, I will be heading down to Queens to meet with RQS and take her to the theater.  We will be seeing Sarah Millican perform at the Beacon Theater in NYC.  From there, we will be going back to her place to pick up some luggage, and then go to my house for a couple of evenings before spending a night in New Jersey.  I'll be all over the place when I'd rather be spending time near home.

- - - - - -

In December 2021, I met a woman who cruises at least 3-4 times each year. Last year, she made it both to Africa and Antarctica.  This year, it's a couple of Alaska cruises, with an east coast run later in the year.  Next year, it's off to Australia and then a partial crossing of the Pacific.  I am very envious!  But then, I am trying to figure out ways that I can afford to sail more often than I do.

I've been writing notes about the things I've learned about cruising and plan to start writing a blog about my travels.  It is something that will keep my mind active, as well as give me a reason to keep up my travels.  Although I have sailed 10-11 times, I feel that I have exhausted many of the typical North American cruise experiences on the major cruise lines.  Caribbean islands all seem to have forts, shopping districts, and beaches.  The New England/Canada route tends to become repetitive after a couple of sailings.  And the Alaska route could have a "been there, done that" feel after a cruise there.  Hawaii stands out only because of the travel needed to reach these islands in the middle of the pacific.  And yet, it's not a cruise that may hold one's interest after a second trip. So, it'll be a good thing to expand my horizons and travel further afield.

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Being busy may mean different things to different people.  To me, being busy is more the idea of keeping one's mind occupied than one's body occupied.  I keep myself busy by planning trips and writing about my experiences - especially those regarding life as a transgender person.  As long as I have things to look forward to, I hope to keep myself busy by preparing for those things to happen. It should be a good time....

I thought the day ended well until....

 

For the past few years, my brother has done the books and took care of the management duties for the house we rent out.  So I was glad when my brother texted me to let me know that the paperwork for 2022 taxes was ready, and that I could send it to my accountant.  I was in a good mood until I checked back on my computer and found a message from a friend's son.  His dad was killed in a hit-and-run incident, with a drunken driver leaving the scene of the accident.  If I had not texted my friend today, I'd have never known this had happened.

My former boss was one of three people that I wanted to stay in contact with after leaving the bank.  The first of these three passed away 365 days after we were both laid off in 2014.  Hopefully, he was able to collect his full pension in a lump sum payment, as he would have gotten a small fraction of that if the bank paid him the value of his ESOP shares.  The second person died about 4 years ago, and I was the only person from the bank who attended his wake.  And now, the last person has died due to some drunk's stupidity.  

Sometime this week, I expect to visit his family as they sit Shiva. Although I just had a mani-pedi, intending to spend the week as Marian, I will remove the polish and visit in Mario mode.  Neither he, nor his family knew about Marian, and this would not be the time or place to let them know.  Instead, it's the time to show respect for my friend and to try and comfort his family as best as possible.

Do I need a support group? Can I help others in one?

 

I am a bit of an oxymoron.  The more female I become, the healthier my male personality becomes.  When I started going out in the world as Marian, I made a lot of beginner mistakes common to transgender people learning the ways of their identified gender. Over the years, I've learned how to dress the way cisgender women do, I've learned some of the communications skills that cisgender women use, and I've learned how to blend in as an oversized woman.

The question comes to mind now and then:

Could I have avoided making many of the mistakes I made, had I been part of a support group?

There is no way to answer this question, as I chose to learn by making a lot of mistakes.  A failed romance got in the way, as the fallout of that relationship made it impractical to develop simple friendships in the northern part of the region in which I live.  But I have learned, and wonder whether I have knowledge worth passing on to others.

A while back, I saw an acquaintance who once authored a blog documenting her TG journey.  When I had last met her before, she (when presenting as a male) had a subtle feminine softness to her masculine presentation.  In my most recent visit, she was presenting in an androgynous way - but not in a way that she'd easily blend with a group of typical cisgender males.  This is something I want to avoid at all costs in my masculine and feminine presentations. Since it is not my place to comment on my acquaintance's presentation, I did not do so.  And in doing so here, it is only to give her a lot of credit for not worrying about how others think of the way she dresses.  More people should have the courage to do what she is doing.  

So this makes me think of another question:

Can I help other "closeted" and "out" transgender people with my experiences?

If in the context of being a regular member of a support group, I don't think so.  But if it is in the context of an occasional contact with members of a support, or with the general public, I think I can do so.  I certainly have enough experiences that I can relate that will help others, as well as help many in the general public see us as "normal" people with one non-traditional trait.  

Hopefully, I will find more ways to give back to our community....

Booking a trip with RQS as Marian

 

Last night, RQS and I decided to drop the hammer and book our first trip together with me presenting as Marian for the entire trip.  This will be another test of our relationship, as she has never spent more than 2 or 3 days together with me when presenting as a female.  And, if all goes right, we will meet up with two friends of mine from Texas for a Girls' Weekend.

I'll admit that I am a little bit hesitant about booking this trip, as it will be the 4th trip we've booked for this year, and I'm a little concerned about spending beyond our means to explore the world.  I'm also a little bit nervous about meeting my friends from Texas, even though they know that I am transgender.  But then, I've always been a little bit of a worry-wort when it comes to spending money at times.

This will be a trip that I can do with just a carry-on bag and a personal item.  I figure that we'll stay in Chicago for a slightly extended long weekend, while the girls will leave the day before us.  This way, we will have some time for ourselves to relax before flying home.  If I've planned things correctly, we'll have been able to spend a long weekend together in a big city for under $1,000/pp.   The big question is: If I've priced out a 3 night stay with air from Dallas, will either (or both) of the 2 ladies be able to afford the trip?  If not, then RQS and I will have a great weekend away from home.  Either way, we should have a great time away from home!

ps: The trip is now booked, and one of my two Texas friends has already booked her trip.  I can't wait for this trip to begin!

pps: It's been over a week and a half now, and the second Texas friend has not yet booked her trip.  I wonder when or if she will do so.  Hopefully soon.

Date nights for Marian - a short post

 

It's a strange feeling for me to have a relationship with a woman who accepts me for who and what I am. Do we attach labels to our relationship?  No.  But it is very interesting to see us addressed as two women, and not see RQS flinch when this is done.  I am very lucky to have this woman in my life - and I know it.

Like most couples, date nights for us are both nothing special to the world, and everything special for us. These are our nights to connect with each other, whether I am presenting as Marian or as Mario. To me, it is even more special to me when RQS says that we should go out as two women.  When we do so, we do not show as much PDA as we usually might. But then, we are usually in Westchester at these times.

It is not an uncommon things to see same sex couples out in the world these days. When RQS and I were on our last cruise together, the couple in the next cabin were likely a same sex couple.  This is a good thing for us and our future plans.  Yet, I must always remember that RQS wants a relationship with Mario as well.  So, I try to make sure that Mario is always there for her when expected and wanted.

- - - - - -

I wonder what it will be like for us when we go on a cruise with me presenting as Marian for the entire cruise.  Will RQS be comfortable spending an entire week (or more) with me in Marian mode?  What about PDAs?  Will a cruise be a 7 night date for us?  Only time will tell.

Lots of stuff is on order - some needed, some just wanted, and some that may not make perfect sense.

This is a lousy picture of me. I finally got the chance to go out tonight as Marian, and decided to try on this Universal Standard "Mystery Box" dress after I got home, while I was still made up to go out.  I'm not so happy with this color, and I am not that happy with the way it drapes on me.  But maybe, it's because I'm tired and looking to get ready for bed.

- - - - - -

Right now, I have a similar dress on order, as well as a body short.  I think that the above dress will look OK in a darker, stronger color, and may be good for wearing in the summer.  As for the body short, it doesn't make sense unless I find a local yoga class for beginners that I can go to which accepts gender non-conforming people in the class.  (And I have been looking!)  In addition to this, I have a couple of bracelets from Lane Bryant on order that I know I'll be wearing often.

It is not only clothing and jewelry that I have on order.  I also have my daily medications coming from the mail order pharmacy.  However, my doctor just changed my prescriptions, and some of what I'll be receiving will simply get stored away until a possible future need.  It's hard to believe how expensive some medicines can be.  On my last visit, my doctor suggested that I try a heavily advertised drug to see how it works.  Since I couldn't get refreshed information on which drugs to stop taking when taking the new drug, I skipped it and stayed on the old regimen.  This is just as well.  My doctor found out that the new drug costs $500/month and is not covered by my insurance.  I'm glad that I didn't place an order for this drug!

My doctor runs a small private practice.  He has avoided joining the big chains, and has figured out how to stay relevant in an age of large medical chains.  He also hates "Big Pharma", but  was unable to engage him in a long enough conversation to find out what his issues with the medical establishment are.  Given that he is a conservative person a few years older than I am, I have no intention of presenting myself to him as Marian.  I'll start presenting myself as female to my next doctor when that day comes.

I figure that I still need to find a small gift for RQS within the next week.  What I get may not make much sense.  But I must make sure that she feels good when she gets it. 

As I write this, a sad day.

 

As much as some people are happy to see this day, smart people also have a bit of sadness too.  Our former president has been indicted on 34 counts in New York State.  We have never seen anything like this before, and it will be a precedent no matter what results from the trial.

People who know me know that I despise our former president for how he divided this country and for how he normalized extremist nuts.  Even worse, he created a situation where professional politicians are afraid of his supporters - something reminiscent of 1930's Germany.  And yet, our republic has survived - so far.

Trump's lawyers have characterized this indictment as a political action, claiming that the ex-president's opponents are using the courts to harm him.  I find this amazing, as Trump is known for using the courts to get his way with others.  He claims that he is a political victim.  But he brought it on himself.  He pissed off too many people, and is now finding that Karma is a bitch.

I, for one, am upset that the trial will not take place until 2024, and that he will not be under any gag order to keep from aggravating the public in a way that would allow for a fair trial by a jury of his peers. I am also upset that there is no way to accelerate this case, so that it will not affect next year's election season.  I will be upset if this case creates a possible constitutional crisis, if Trump is elected but the trial is still taking place.  As they say, "Justice Delayed is Justice Denied" and Trump continues his tactic of trying to run out the clock.

It's a sad time for America, as we can no longer automatically hold our presidents in high esteem anymore.  This indictment shows us that our leaders are only human and must be held accountable for their actions when called for.  In short, it's time for America to grow up and realize that we are no longer the special "Beacon on the Hill" that we once thought this nation to be.

Thinking of taking a short trip to Atlantic City for its cheap midweek rates

 

RQS and I have discussed taking care of a personal errand somewhere on the New Jersey coast.  But most of the good places to stay are way overpriced for this time of year.  So I had a thought: Why not stay in Atlantic City overnight and save a few dollars?  There are some good places to eat near the casinos, and we could be wide awake when we took care of our errand.

Assuming we take this trip, we'll be taking advantage of a midweek special, where the hotel part of the complex is giving away the rooms to make a few extra dollars.  There is no way that I'd pay to stay in Atlantic City on the weekend, as a room I could get for roughly $50+tax could cost me over $300+tax. Ouch! The big question which I might have asked would be whether I would travel as Marian or as Mario. But I think it would be best for me to travel as Mario, so that I can avoid possible complications with hotel/casino security.  Could I change while in the room?  Yes.  But why bother?

I have gone to Atlantic City several times in the past.  Once with a former GF from Staten Island, and two/three times with XGFJ.  Most of the time, gambling bores me.  So, on the last trip with XGFJ, I was in the room reading a book when she came to the room escorted by security.  She had won $7,500+ at a slot machine, and didn't want to get mugged on the way to the room.  As for me, I was happy for her. But I simply didn't want to allow myself to get used to sitting in front of a one armed bandit and letting it suck money from my wallet because I got into a zone.

So what do I expect from this trip?

RQS and I will get to Atlantic City in the evening, have dinner, and go to bed.  The next morning after breakfast, we'll drive to Ocean Grove and take care of an errand before returning home.  I expect that we will have a nice time, and that RQS will finally take care of something she was unable to take care of before.  Yet, there is not much that will get me to go to Atlantic City again, as there is little to do except to gamble in this seaside resort town.

A visit to the Paley Center for Media

 

The Paley Center for Media. It's the perfect museum for a couch potato to visit when s/he has nothing to do. And this is the place that RQS and I visited this weekend.

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To start at the beginning....

Like many couples, RQS and I ask each other on a weekly basis:

"What do we want to do this weekend?"

We'll usually find a new museum to go to, or restaurant to try out.  But it always seems to be a variant on the usual theme.  We are simply looking for ways to avoid boredom, and want to do something that nurtures us in doing so.  

Saturday morning came, and we slowly got ready to trek into Manhattan.  The subway route that we would normally have taken was out.  So we ended up taking an alternate way into Manhattan, and get to Rockefeller Center by 1:30 pm.  From there, it was a short walk to the Paley Center.

 

Arriving at the Paley Center, we were surprised at how empty the museum was.  We started our visit downstairs, and viewed some programs related to Women's History Month.  We were the only two people in the theater.  Next, we went upstairs to see an exhibit on Black Achievements in Music on TV.  Both physical and video artifacts were on display, two of which were Louis Armstrong's Trumpet and Chuck Berry's guitar.  It was a small, but well curated exhibit.  But it paled in comparison to what is on display in Washington, DC.  (I've gotten spoiled by exhibitions at the Smithsonian museums.) 

And then, we went upstairs again to see some videos related to animation.  This wasn't that interesting, so we left the theater and looked at Al Hirschfeld's work and the art of Television on display. This was most interesting, and worth the trip upstairs.  Yet, we couldn't find all the Ninas in the pictures.  Next, it was up to the fourth floor to watch videos from their collection.  This time, I couldn't find the video of Groucho Marx appearing on the Jack Benny show riffing on the theme of Groucho's show, "You Bet Your Life."  But I did find something well worth watching for a Yankee Baseball fan - Game 5 of the 1956 World Series.  

On our way out of the Paley Center, RQS stopped to see whether she could join as a member.  By doing so, our admission fee was refunded and we helped the center in its mission.  Next time, I'll look for a similar deal with another museum we'd visit more than once, and do the same thing.

- - - - - -

By this time, our stomachs were growling, and we decided to go to the Nom Wah Tea Parlor's Nolita outpost.  Unlike their Chinatown site, this establishment was easy to get in to without a wait, but had a more limited selection of Dim Sum.  I was surprised that one could order everything via a touch screen, but had trouble with the credit card reader.  Although the food was as good as their original site, I still prefer going to their smaller venue in Chinatown with Ping's Seafood as a fallback.

Finally, it was time to go back to RQS's place for the evening.  It was nice to know that our weekend subway connections got us back to her place almost as quick as if we were traveling on a weekday. And it was something for us to remember the next time her subway line does a weekend termination at its first Manhattan stop.

Getting dressed can be such a pain

 

When I get dressed as Mario, my decisions are extremely simple.  I choose a short or long sleeved shirt from my closet, and a dark pair of trousers.  Weather conditions rarely matter, but I will add a sweater in a solid dark color when it is cold outside.  Rarely do I need to wear a suit, but when I do, it's always a classic dark blue or grey suit, a white or blue shirt, and a tie around my neck.  Simple as pie!  But when I get dressed as Marian, things are very different.

Getting dressed as Marian requires me to make many more decisions.  For example, my choice of bottoms (trousers or skirt like garment) is dependent on the weather outside  If the weather is warm or hot, I'll always be wearing a nice top with a skirt, or a nice dress.  If the weather is cool, I might wear the dress with a pair of tights.  But if the weather is cold, I'll wear a tunic like dress with a pair of warm leggings.  Before I put anything on, I must choose my intimates.  I need to make sure that the bra I'll wear won't be exposed by the top I'll be wearing.  Once everything is on, I finally choose my shoes (or boots).  Again, the weather can be a factor in this choice.  And finally, I choose my jewelry.  What kind of necklace will I wear?  So many decisions to make.  (And I haven't even talked about makeup!)  No wonder why so many women complain of having a full closet, but nothing to wear.

Now, I hate wearing trouser like garments as they force me to be extra careful when tucking.  I like having as flat a front as possible, so that my legacy genitalia do not create a visible bulge.  Dresses and skirts give me much more room for error.  But most cisgender women tend to wear trouser like garments such as jeans these days.  So I've had to treat some dresses as tunic tops (for coverage) and wear leggings (with compression undergarments which give me a flat front) to look more like a cisgender female.

When I went to Hawaii this December, I wore dresses every day.  It felt nice to have a breeze on my legs while on vacation. The one time I went into the hot tub, I wore a swim dress with pockets for my prosthetic breasts. I've never been happy when wearing that swimsuit, as the skirt always floats up with the jets from the hot tub. I wish I had real breasts to fill out the swimsuit cups.  Like many women, I am not happy with how I look in a swimsuit.  But I know that it's because it's a form fitting garment which tends to show off what I haven't got.

On the whole, I know that being transgender means that I have to accept the imperfections in my female appearance.  And I know that getting dressed will always be a pain, as I will always need to adjust my wardrobe to fit a body for which women's clothing isn't designed.

Introducing the "Left Handed Whopper"

 

This is a real ad placed by Burger King to announce a Whopper specially made for left handed people.

Burger King advertised a new creation: the Left-Handed Whopper, a nod to the million-plus diners frequenting the fast-food chain on a regular basis, according to TIME. Burger King explained how the sandwich was identical to the original Whopper except for ingredient placement. Finally, the company was acknowledging the neglected left-handed Americans who sadly struggled with the Whopper-eating experience. No more.

The statement created quite a stir, and some consumers might have taken the news as straightforward. After all, many culinary utensils cater to lefties, including knives, scissors, can openers, and oven mitts, notes The Left Handed Store. On Left-Handers Day in 2019, Longhorn Steakhouse even posted a Facebook video revealing new steak knives in which the serrated edges are flipped to prevent left-handed diners from having to cut with their right hands.

With an estimated 10% of America's population identifying as left-handed, per Healthline, it's smart business to accommodate them when feasible. Burger King customers could now order the Left-Handed Whopper, a left-centric Whopper incarnation in which condiments had been rotated 180 degrees. This evened the playing field for lefty customers previously forced into right-handed eating methods. However, "Ambidextrous consumers will not be affected by changes."

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Happy April Fools Day!

I'm officially an old geezer - a short post

 

Sooner or later, I'll have to deal with getting old.  No, I'm not trying to avoid being seen as a 65 y/o woman.  Instead, I'll have to deal with long term care plans.  Given my age and health, long term care insurance will be very expensive.  But I will need to have some money held in reserve, so that I can be cared for in my final years.

With that being said, how does this T-Girl want to live?  Do I want to take the next step and get facial electrolysis, removing traces of beard as needed?  (I think so.)  But what about the steps after that?  Can I afford electrolysis on other areas of my body? (I'm not sure.) And further along this path (after losing a lot of weight), what about facial feminization surgery (FFS) on the lower part of my face?  I want my face to look as feminine as possible when out as Marian, but be masculine enough when out as Mario.  An androgynous face would be perfect for me - but I have to get to work on losing weight to do this.

I will always have most of the body shape of a male, even if I go on hormones.  But I have to consider RQS's wishes if I want romance - and I sure do.  Unlike most older women, I'm not in the mood to spend the rest of my life alone.  And I'm not about to risk what I have with RQS to have a future without someone to love....

Slowly eliminating clutter from an apartment

 

Over the past year, RQS and I have been clearing out a lot of clutter from my apartment.  It has been like playing a hybrid game of Jenga and Tetris, as I've had to find room for things I want to keep while both adding and purging things from the apartment.

One of the things many M2F transgender people do is to learn what clothes work (or don't work) on their bodies.  They also learn what clothes they should wear for all occasions, and make a lot of mistakes along the way.  But the thing we don't learn easily is how to purge clothes we no longer wear or no longer look good in from our closets, so that we look good and appear appropriate for all occasions in the clothes we have left in our closets.  Lately, I have purged half of my feminine wardrobe with the help of RQS, and donated what I had to charity.  Now, I have room to back fill a small number of missing items into my wardrobe.  And I present a much better appearance to the world, now that I have a better focus on what I can wear.

But this is not the only clutter that I've been sorting through.  The other day, I started sorting through all my kitchen utensils, and found a few that I will either give away or toss in the trash.  This is typical of what I've been doing lately.  I find a place where I've stored way too many things, and sort through them when I find the time and the energy to take care of a certain amount of work in one area of my apartment.  The other day, it was an area of the kitchen.  Before that, it was cleaning out corners of my bedroom. And even before that, was an area near my dining room table.  I've gotten used to taking two steps forward, just to take one step back in this long term project of removing clutter from my abode.

I am hoping that I will rid the apartment of enough of my clutter before some required electrical work must take place.  When it does, I'll have to move furniture (or have it moved for me) so that an electrician can do work in my place.  So I'm working on the clutter now, so that I won't be overwhelmed by it later on....

Seeing friends in person and via zoom.

 

The above picture has nothing much to do with today's theme.  But it has all to do with people supporting each other.  And that is what I'll discuss today.

- - - - - -

I had only two things on my docket (save for postponable things such as laundry).  First was having an early dinner with my friend, AR.  And then, a Zoom meeting with my friends Stephanie and Jen from Texas. But this is not how my day started.

Sometime in the morning, my aunt called me from California.  Since I know that she's suffering from dementia, I also know that the conversation would be short.  In our short chat, I found out that she still remembers who I am, but is not able to make much of a conversation.  All she could do was to say that she's coming to New York soon - something I know isn't true.  The call ended, and I realized that she has the cell phone that my uncle used to call me in Hawaii.  Instead of trying to reach my uncle, I decided to text my brother and see if he has an alternate number for my uncle on which I could reach him.  Unfortunately, my brother didn't call back, due to him being up to his eyeballs in projects.

Next, I decided to clear out many of the kitchen tools I don't use, and empty a gadget drawer.  Although I didn't clean out that much, I made more of a dent in the mess than I would have expected.  By the time I was done, I was ready to get showered and dressed - as Marian.  Since the weather outside was cold, I decided to wear a nice dress and leggings outfit which would be prefect for the day.  

I was out the door by 5 pm, and met AR at the Italian restaurant in town.  Yum!  We had a nice leisurely meal, and I had enough leftovers for a second meal.  (Too bad that I left it in my car - it'll probably be unsafe to eat when I get back to the car.)  AR knows me only as Marian, so I code switched all of my experiences to that of a female, talking about RQS as if she were a he.

Next, it was back home to chat with my friends Stephanie and Jen.  This was our first chat since I was "Out" to them as transgender, and the chat flowed as it usually does.  They are both interested in meeting me and RQS in Chicago, and we have a weekend date to plan for - as soon as RQS's taxes are done.  All too quickly, the chat had to end - we were all tired and talked out.

- - - - - -

Hopefully, my Chicago trip will come off as discussed.  It'll be nice to see these friends in person for a change....

Looking for things to do on the weekend.

 

Garfield.  It's one of my favorite comic strips.  Cat lovers will see many of the typical traits in this cat that they see in their own cats and others' cats.  One of my favorite strips featuring Garfield has no image of the cat in the strip, but his presence is known by a steak being held by his "owner", Jon.  In the 3 frame set, the steak is offered to Garfield, and by the time Jon finishes talking, the steak is gone.  Many of the jokes in this comic are food related, like the strip above.  Yet, Garfield's love of lasagna is only a small part of this well drawn character.  Over the years, we've got to know this cat as well as real cats we've had in our houses.

Unfortunately, one can spend only so much time reading the comics.  First, there are fewer papers carrying comic strips. And then, we have more opportunities to entertain ourselves on weekends.  This is where RQS and I often have problems trying to figure out ways to spend some of our time together.

- - - - - -

RQS subscribes to a service which tells her about free things to do in New York City.  However, most of these things take place on weekdays, are taking place in awkward places to get to from her house, and are not interesting enough for us to spend our time there.  So, we often go into NYC without much of a plan, looking to go for a meal at Katz's delicatessen, the Nom Wah Tea Parlor, or some other of our "go-to" places in Manhattan.  Our problem is that too many people now have the same idea.  The last time we went to Katz's, there was a line that stretched to the end of the block.  The last time we went to the Nom Wah Tea Parlor, the wait was 45 minutes long.  It's getting harder and harder to go to our "go-to" places these days.

You might ask, what do you want to do other than eat?  Well, both of us enjoy theater.  But the off and off-off Broadway scene isn't the same as it used to be before the pandemic. Yet, things are changing for the better, now that the 20 at 20 special is being held this Spring.  Although I am going to be busy much of the 20 days this special is offered, I hope to take advantage of it on one of my free days.  And, if there's something that RQS wants to see, we'll try to see it as well. This time around, I'm going to suggest Drunk Shakespeare, a performance of a Shakespeare play where one of the actors is totally "three sheets to the wind".  In other words, s/he is shitfaced drunk.  It's supposed to be funny, so I'll see what she thinks - if we're in NYC that weekend.

So much time and yet, not enough - a short post.

 

This week, I would normally have enough time to get out and about as Marian.  Even though I'm retired, there are many places I'd like to go, but not enough available time to go to them.  For example, I would have liked to go to the 9/11 museum today (it's free late Monday afternoons these days), but the weather will get in my way.  Other times, conflicting schedules waste a bit of my time.  I'd like to see some of my friends, but I'm rarely free on weekends anymore.

Given that we were expecting bad weather later tonight, I decided to drive RQS back home and then park my car in a visitor's space in the co-op's parking lot.  This way, I wouldn't need to move my car to make room for the plow to pile up snow behind my parking spot.  However, I might be "stealing" a parking spot from someone who may need a spot tonight.  So I will move my car from the spot when the snow ends, and not before.

Will I have enough time to do the ever increasing amount of laundry that I have accumulated?  Yes, but....  The question should be:  Will I use my time most productively?  And for that question, I must answer by saying I'm not sure.

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As I write this, I hear snow plows outside clearing snow from our parking lot. There is not much snow on the ground, but enough to cause trouble.  If I go outside to clear off my car, I will likely do it as Mario, as I don't want to ruin anything in my feminine wardrobe.  It is one of the decisions I have to make as a transgender person.

Being a transgender person who lives in both masculine and feminine worlds, I am always making decisions about how I will present myself to the world. It's not always easy for me, as I may have to switch presentations during the day and arrange my life to do so.  This is often the case when I schedule a doctor's visit as Mario, but then have another appointment that requires my presence as Marian.  Yet, I've managed to keep my life as Mario separate from my life as Marian.  Unfortunately, there is never enough time left for me as Marian.

RQS is aware and understands my need to be my authentic self.  I am very grateful to have her in my life.  Both of us know heartbreak, and are doing our best to build up a solid relationship that will last.  Yet, there are things that scare me at times. But I am not going to let those fears get the better of me.  When one commits to a relationship, one is there in good times and bad.  The potential for bad times will always scare me a little, as no one wants to deal with hard times early in a relationship. Hopefully, luck and good fortune will always be on our side.

 

The search for the missing set of keys

 

Unlike most men, most women carry their essentials (e.g. Wallet, Keys, Tissues, etc.) in a handbag.  When going out as a female, I do what other women do - use a handbag.  I have humorously described a handbag as being like a black hole: It has infinite capacity, and useful things can only be extracted from its "event horizon." Once deep enough into the bag, it's hard to find anything anymore.  This weekend, I learned how deep a handbag could get.

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On Friday, RQS and I decided to spend the afternoon driving out to Paramus, NJ again, so that she could pick up a miniature roasting pan like the one I have, that she could use in her toaster oven. Since this was a day I would be presenting as a female because of a planned stop at Lane Bryant, I got shaved, showered and dressed.  Then out the door we went.  It was a smooth drive until we crossed the river into Rockland county, where we hit the expected traffic jam just West of the bridge. But soon afterwards, it was smooth sailing to Home Goods, and then to Ikea.  After buying the pan, it was off to Lane Bryant where I looked at a few blazers that were slightly too small for me, while RQS looked at a couple of dresses.

Soon, it was a short drive home, where the next day's "fun" was to begin.  On the way home, we stopped off at Trader Joe's to pick up some food and loaded 3 bags into the car.  When we got home, I opened the door, put the keys into my bag, then loaded the refrigerator with what I brought inside.

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Saturday came, and we didn't start getting ready to go outside until early afternoon.  After getting ready to go out to RQS's friend's exhibit at a Yonkers art gallery, I noticed something was missing - my keys!  There was no way I could go anywhere without them.  It was a mad search for keys, and all I could find were Mario's set of keys on my desk.  So I knew to be extra careful with this set while out for the day.

We arrived at the art gallery and chatted with RQS's friend.  I was introduced as Marian, and RQS caught up on old times.  Then it was time to go home.  Once home, we tore apart the place and found nothing.  The keys found a good place to hide from us, and they weren't coming out without a fight. After a 2-3 hour search, we gave up, and I resigned myself to paying a locksmith to cut a new set of keys, and to programming the car key - at a cost of $250 or so.  Ouch!

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The clocks changed, but I couldn't get to sleep until 4 am or so.  Sunday morning arrived, and I only had 4 hours of sleep - for 2 days in a row.  But this time, I had an idea.  My bag has front and back zippers.  The front zipper opens a small section of the bag where a woman can put her lipstick, etc. to be accessed easily.  The back zipper opens a section of the bag (along with a bottom zipper) which can be used to attach the bag to a luggage handle for travel.  I've misplaced my keys in that pseudo-compartment before.  So I'd check this area again when I got up.  Lo and behold, the keys were there.  What a relief.  What a way to start the day!

An unplanned early visit with RQS

 

I chose the above image for no particular reason.  It just fit my mood for the start of the day.  Yet, it fits how I felt on waking up - tired, semi-conscious, dry-eyed, and stumbling to the loo.  It was time to go back to sleep, but I didn't....

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Due to reasons I won't post here, RQS came up from the city a day early. This meant that we could have dinner together and go to game night together.  (RQS usually has a compressed day on Thursdays, as she takes care of things that nourish her soul, as well as things to prepare for her visit the day after.)  So, it was nice to be able to have her up here and share an experience that XGFJ wouldn't share with me because I'd be in Marian mode.

Upon arrival, RQS and I went to the local Mexican restaurant down the hill from us.  Unlike the last time we were there, the place was relatively empty and we had a nice meal with decent service.  Because the place was empty, there was little reflected noise from the hard walls, and we were easily able to hear each other speak, unlike the last time we were there.  (This has been my big complaint about the place, not the restaurant, since it was rebuilt years ago.  The walls reflect and amplify sound, making it hard to hear conversations when the place is crowded.)  As much as I enjoyed the fish tacos I ordered, I wouldn't order them again unless I wanted to make a mess of myself - they were overloaded with filling!

Our next stop was game night, where I got into a game which required a little bit of experience before playing well.  Mistakes I made early on caused me to lose the game.  But I'd play it again later on.  At least, we were able to get RQS into a simpler game afterwards - Qwirkle.  It's a simple game where one tries to match colors or patterns (in rows) for points. (Don't ask me to explain the simple rules of the game at this time of day.)  

All too soon, game night was over, and we had to go home. 

All I did today was bake brownies and launder some clothes - a short post

 

This is the way I felt today.  I was not in the mood to get up and get dressed, much less leave the house. Yet, I ended up doing a couple of loads of laundry and bake a tray of brownies for tomorrow's game night.

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The good and bad thing about doing laundry in my building is that I must go up and down 2 flights of stairs a minimum of 3 times on laundry days.  This means I get a little bit of exercise (very little) each time I take care of this chore.  Yet, it seems to get harder and harder over the years, as I still want to carry two full baskets up and down the stairs, and feel less comfortable (safe?) doing this.  This is one chore I usually do in Mario mode, as I do it on days I don't feel like putting on my make up and going out in the world as Marian.

Once I was done with laundry, I started on the task of baking brownies.  A while back, I found a recipe for 2-ingredient Nutella brownies.  Tonight, I took out my mixing bowl, my hand blender, a baking pan I could put in my toaster oven, Nutella and 8 eggs.  75 minutes later, I had some tasty goodies I'll be bringing to game night/

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One possible bit of good news for me - due to a change of plans, RQS may be joining me for game night tomorrow.  I'd have rather had her enjoy herself throwing some clay and honing her pottery skills. But this change of plans was not one either of us would have chosen.  We've been given some lemons, and we're trying to make some lemonade.

Even though winter is almost over, it still seems very cold.

 

This is a view of Provincetown, MA that I've never seen in person - snow along Commercial Street.  Part of me would love to be there in the winter, when Summer's denizens have long been gone.  Yet, I'm glad I'm not there, as none of the things I love about the town are available without its Summer visitors.

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I've been in P'town during the other 3 seasons of the year, and love the vibe there.  This is when the artist community is in residence, and when one can enjoy the town to its fullest.  Years ago, I went there with my late wife, and stayed at a hotel at the far end of the main drag.  After she died, I stayed in the heart of town with Patty, my ex-girlfriend. And I've been there with other people close to my heart.

The only time I've been there towards the end of the season is when I once attended Fantasia Fair.  Even though I was there for only 3 days, I made some acquaintances I'm still in contact with to this day.

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Over the past few days, it was cold enough for some patches of snow to survive on the ground.  But it felt colder than that because of the wind chill.  If it were warmer, I'd have tried on some new tights from Sheertex to see how they feel.  Unfortunately, I will have to wait for a while - just like the people of P'town will need to wait for the tourists to come back.

Once the weather gets a little warmer, I will be back in dresses and enjoying the world outside.  I look forward to taking a day or two outside of peak season and take RQS there for a short stay.  Maybe she'll understand why I love this area - especially outside of peak season.