Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

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Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

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Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

"Dating" as Marian.

This weekend, I met a woman who responded to my "Marian Mode" personal ad.  Not half as many women bother to contact me, as most are put off by the idea of a gender non-conforming mate.  Given our culture, I can't blame them - we put way too much emphasis on what a person wears, and not enough emphasis on what the person is inside.

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It's not easy being a single person who prefers to appear as that of the gender one prefers to date.  If my wife had lived, I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in a dress.  Sadly, I wasted 5 years on one girlfriend because of this.  But I was lucky when I told one woman on our second date, that she knew she couldn't deal with it - and we parted as friends.

This new woman has seen a little bit of everything, and is a transplanted New Yorker who just happens to enjoy life in the Hudson Valley - as I do.  However, I know not to count my chickens before they hatch - there are many other reasons why this woman may not find me appropriate dating material.  Luckily, my clothing preference wouldn't be an issue with her.

The big question always becomes - how do I break this secret to a woman when she starts to find me interesting enough to see several times?  In the case of one woman, several women said that I was the better dresser, and maybe a little prettier as well.  Although I could not agree with the latter part of that statement, I can only imagine what this woman would feel seeing me as Marian.

A few weeks ago, I dated another woman who couldn't deal with having a bi-gendered person as a partner.  Since she had issues that would take her off of my "dateable" list, we became  friends and have seen each other several times since then.  Women can deal with a transgendered friend much more than they can deal with that same person (even in the mode they prefer) as a partner.  I guess this is where female identity is weakest - they can't imagine why any "man" would ever want to be a woman.  And if they can do so, they feel very uncomfortable partnering with someone who feels this way. 

Sadly, people like me are "Neither fish nor fowl."  But that's OK with me.  It takes a special type of confidence to partner with a person like me, and a partner who can do so is worth more than her weight in gold and diamonds.

Vacation planning is a pain this year.

I love New England and Atlantic Canada for vacation visits.  Sadly, Canada is closed off until America gets the virus under control.  As long as Trump is in power AND the GOP has veto power over any reasonable ways to deal with the mess the pandemic has caused, I will not be able to take a cruise to Nova Scotia.  Luckily, most of New England is still open to us New Yorkers.

On August 1st, Hawaii is open to visitors again.  However, people must have the results of a Coronavirus test taken within the past 72 hours - no testing will be done upon arrival.  This means that it doesn't yet make sense to schedule a Hawaii vacation.  Yet, I may consider doing the research to flying to Hawaii, stay in Honolulu for a few days, and then travel to the Big Island for some more exploring.  If I do it this way, I may end up spending as much money as I would have on the cruise, but have a more flexible schedule to work with.

If I schedule the cruise in the near future, I have a question yet to be resolved - would the woman I've been seeing still be with me at that time?  I plan to tell her about my bi-gendered nature in the near future, as she has a right to know this about me before we get physically intimate.  If this woman can accept me in both modes, this would be a perfect trip for us, as she has never been to Hawaii.

Right now, I'm assuming that the Census Bureau will start laying us off sometime in September.  If my employment ends around Labor Day, I'll try to make vacation plans for Provincetown, MA, and spend a few days there.  If it's a little later, I'll skip being near the beach and spend a few days in Upstate New York.  (I still want to get back to the Baseball Hall of Fame, as well as other museums that are open there.)  If Pennsylvania is off the 31 state New York quarantine list, then I might decide to see Fallingwater if that site is open.

TCL and I have discussed to trip to Cleveland a while back.  We'd stay with one of her friends, and then visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  I would have to do all the driving on that trip, but it might be a nice thing to do if Ohio is off the quarantine list later in the year. There are may things we could see on the way out there and back, and we wouldn't have to worry about the expense of hotel rooms.

Hopefully, next year will be a better year for planning a vacation.  

Socializing in the age of the pandemic

There is a certain loneliness in the above picture that I can not define.  Is it that of these boats waiting to be used?  Or is it that humanity looks so far away in the scene?  Either way, this image is a fitting metaphor for what is happening in the age of the pandemic.

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In Mid March, everything seemed to stop all at once.  Within less than a week, public activity went from "drive" to "park" - and the social engine was left to idle for several months.  It took New York State (with the exception of New York City) 3 months to "flatten the curve" to a level where most socializing could return to a new "normal".  Outside the city, restaurants were allowed to reopen indoor dining rooms at 50% of capacity, museums were allowed to  reopen with social distancing protocols in place, and public gatherings of 50 people (or less) were allowed to take place.  The isolation of those 3 months has put a fear into people which will be hard to remove when a vaccine for the Coronavirus is found. 

I've noticed that several meetup groups have reverted to online Zoom gatherings, as their members are still afraid of meeting in person.  However, the meetup group I've attended in person is maintaining social distance for its in person meetings, and I expect it to shut down for the winter when it is no longer feasible to meet outside.  I'll miss that venue.  But I'll find ways to get by.

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Even in NYC, I see gradual signs of reopening.  Some museums have developed protocols which will allow them to admit visitors again.  This is a good thing.  All too many people are acting out of fear than anything else.  However, this is a good thing when we don't yet have a vaccine for the virus.

In the South and West, the virus is still out of control. The Zoom meetup from Texas that I attend shows no sign of going away.  Ever since the virus starting spiking there, my pen pal friend is more reluctant to go out of her apartment.  (I can't say this for the rest of the group.) And the rest of the gang has gotten so used to these virtual meetups, that I don't think they will abandon this way of socializing anytime soon.

Over time, I expect that people in the South and West will see enough suffering that they will also get comfortable with the idea of another economic shutdown.  They will not like being told that they can't go to bars, restaurants, theaters, and other venues where people get together in close quarters.  But they will do so eventually - when the pain from having reopened their economies too soon gets too much to bear.

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You might ask - how is this affecting me?  Well, due to problems with an ex girlfriend, I will not be able to attend virtual meetings of "her" dinner group.  I can live with that, because I have developed other ways to meet my needs to connect with people in case of another stay at home order.  Luckily, I live in the Northeast, where the virus is being kept at bay. This means, I will be free to travel when my gig at the census ends sometime this year. Although I am limited to driving to some place in the Northeast, it's better to be able to do this now, than worry about being quarantined in the future.

Yet, the pandemic is affecting me more in subtle ways.  For example, I've never been able to hold the woman I've been seeing in my arms.  She lives inside NYC limits, and I have to drive her to Long Island, so that we can dine "normally".  People who would normally respond quickly to communications inside a dating platform are a little reluctant to do so, as they know that dating itself will be awkward until they have been vaccinated for the virus. 

As my readers know, I enjoy cruising.  Since Hawaii seems to have gotten the virus under control, it may be possible for New Yorker's to visit there without a mandatory 14 day quarantine. If this is the case, it might still be possible for me to take my Hawaiian cruise this winter.  Hopefully, this will be the case.  I really want to get Lei'ed in Hawaii soon!

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For the most part, all of this could have either been avoided, or the impact of this could have been much less severe.  We have our president and his GOP loyalists to blame.  We paid attention to science in the Northeast, paid the price to "flatten the curve" and are relatively virus free.  Outside the Northeast, they tended to follow the proclamations of power hungry politicians and reopened things way too soon.  As a result, residents of 31 states (as of this writing) must quarantine themselves if they enter New York.  If the Northeast was a separate country, we'd be able to visit most of the world, as our infection rates are as low as Canada, the UK, and most of the EU.  But this is not the case - we get hurt because the rest of America is not acting responsibly.

Hopefully, enough people will be sick and tired of the mess we are in, and vote the current dysfunctional regime out on November 3rd.  Then, starting January 20th at noon, we can get to the business of ridding this country of this virus, so that we can get back to normal living....

Moving Forward

This is all you will likely see of the woman I've been dating recently.  She is a very nice woman, and I'm not sure of if things will work out, and how far it will go if it does work out.  There is no need for me to wallow in the past, as doing so will only serve to make me unhappy about my losses.

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It appears that without negotiation, my ex and I have a working arrangement regarding meetups.  If I sign up for a meetup with the Live Music group, she will back away, as she doesn't want to see me as Marian.  Since she poisoned the well for me as Marian in "her" dinner group, I have no interest in going there as Mario.  In short, her extreme problem with seeing me as Marian has created a situation where she can have one group and I can have the other.  Hopefully, she will see it the same way as I do.

But enough about the ex....

Unless this new woman embraces the idea that I can be both Marian and Mario, she will be out of the picture.  For now, we've been enjoying going out to dinner and having walks by the beach.  You'll note that I haven't yet given her a "name".  The pandemic has slowed our "Getting to know you" phase of a relationship to a crawl - and that's fine with me.  I'm learning some of the things I'm lacking in social skills (I won't name my key flaw here).  And even if things don't work out, I'll have gained something by knowing her.

The big question is: How do I tell her about my life as Marian?  And then, will that be the end of "us"?  So many unknowns to deal with.  At least, I don't have a former cruise partner to get in the way of me keeping my head clear....

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.

The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.

Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

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One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

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Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!

Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds.