Showing posts with label XGFJ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label XGFJ. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

Starting to catch up with people

 

Harpo Marx has nothing to do with this post, save this is my favorite picture of him, and that he is my favorite among all the Marx Brothers as people. (Groucho is my favorite on screen.)  

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Today was my last day of work before the weekend.  And my schedule included dealing with a phone call from the Medicare Insurance Agent (for my Part D coverage) and having dinner with a friend from my meetup groups.  What I didn't plan for was a 90 minute phone call with my ex girlfriend Patty, as her hubby was busy with a gig.  So, bu the time I reached RQS, it was getting close to midnight.  

But first....

I haven't been sleeping that well, and I could have used another 2 hours of sleep before going to work.  But I was awake and alert all day.  I guess it relates to me having more liquid when I get up and some calories (in the form of carbs) to burn before leaving home.

After 8 hours at my workstation, it was time for me to leave and get ready for dinner.  Dinner was scheduled for 6:30 at a nearby restaurant.  Since I had the insurance agent scheduled, I pushed the time forward to 7 pm.  And this was a good thing, as the insurance agent didn't bother calling me.  Luckily, the restaurant is 5 minutes away from me and I got there at 7 o'clock sharp. My friend and I had a nice meal together.  She is young enough to be my daughter and she sees me as if I were a cisgender woman.  And that is how I relate to her.   

Once I got home, Patty and I had a nice long chat and caught up on things. I won't go into any of the details here, save that we talked about family members with similar issues, medicare issues, and residence issues.  We could have talked more, but her hubby got home and she wanted to spend time with him.  So I suggested a dinner foursome with RQS, and let her spend the end of the evening with her hubby.

Next was RQS.  We caught up on what was going on for the day, and then it was time to go to bed.  At this point, I picked up some clothing I'd need for the next day, and packed for an overnight with her. However, I made sure that I transferred everything from Marian's wallet to Mario's wallet.  The last thing I want is to have no ID in my wallet when I need it - as happened with XGFJ several years ago....

Friday, April 29, 2022

Thoughts on a past lost to time

 

 
Something got me thinking about my former travel partner.  I'll admit that it was because of my stupidity that I lost her as a friend. Yet, I'm not really sure about the quality of the friendship we once shared.  Thinking back on it, there may have been a codependency factor involved that made the dissolution of the friendship more painful for the two of us.

I'm very glad that FCP has had two happy events occur in her life in the past few months.  And I'm sad that I couldn't be there to share them with her.  Yet, she's not with me as I explore things with RQS, building up a shared set of happy experiences..  We both lost a lot when the friendship ended, but this is a part of life.

One of the things that FCP said to me in the process of cutting off communications was that I did not betray XGFJ, and that she is glad that I am communicating with her again.  What she doesn't want to see is the fact that XGFJ betrayed me.   Although I have forgiven XGFJ for her actions, I doubt that we'll be any closer than we are now - two people with a shared past that have less and less to talk about as time pulls us away from each other.

- - - - - -

But enough about FCP and XGFJ.  There are other things that time has erased from my life.  For example, the older I get, the harder it gets for me to remember many of the details of my late wife.  She had a habit of saying "N double-A s t i" for "Nasty".  There were many more quirks that she had, but most of them have moved into inaccessible areas of my memory.  I miss those memories, yet it is a good thing that most of them are inaccessible.  It would be a bad thing to bore RQS with things about my late wife's life, and for her to bore me with things about her late husband's life.  We are only able to share the most important things about our late spouses' lives, and we understand the losses that the other has felt....

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the career I enjoyed (for the most part) for the better part of 40 years.  The opportunity to work as a programmer again is tantalizing, as it was the type of work I most enjoyed.  Yet, I'm way past my prime, and I would not gain much from retooling for work best done by a younger person. Yet, I could sacrifice some of the time I have left to me to end my working career doing the type of work that gave me pleasure when I started in the workforce.

- - - - - -

One of the things I miss since I've been employed at my present job is reading for the enjoyment of it.  By the time my day ends at the office, my mind is fried.  I've made so many micro decisions that I have no energy left to make any of the big ones.  This has resulted in an inability to clean up my apartment, and an inability to do much of the reading I enjoy so much.  Hopefully, by the time I get to take my next long vacation, I will have recharged my energy enough so that both my apartment has finally gotten cleaned up and that I've regained my ability to enjoy a long book.  I'd hate for these things to have gotten lost with time.

- - - - - -

All of us have friends and family we have lost over the years. Many of us have had to reinvent ourselves to live with a purpose in life. As for me, I live to learn - about myself, about others, and about the world in which we live.  From each loss comes an opportunity to grow.  And I intend to use those opportunities to grow instead of being burdened by them....

 



Monday, April 25, 2022

A speed bump in the road....

 

Last night, I called RQS and Vicki had a chat with her.  This triggered some thoughts in RQS's head, and she's not yet comfortable seeing Mario turn into Marian....  She didn't realize that we'd be spending the day together with me in Marian mode while going up to a store north of here to do some dress shopping.  I told her not to worry, as I will not push her into meeting Marian until she's ready to do so.  She echoed something XGFJ mentioned after we broke up, that there were 3 people in this relationship.  In a way, she's right, and it's something not always easy for someone to be comfortable thinking about.  I told her that she doesn't have to meet me in Marian mode until she is comfortable - and that's my highest concern.  

XGFJ said several things after we broke up, some of which conflicted with each other regarding me as Marian.  (No, I won't go into them here.)  But I will say that RQS is much more articulate in expressing her concerns, and that we have a better chance of having a long term relationship. The big question is: How best to introduce me (as Marian) to RQS, so that she isn't uncomfortable.  Hopefully, I will have an answer to that question soon.

Friday, April 8, 2022

Odds and Ends after breakfast

 

I didn't know what I was going to say when I started writing this entry.  And I realized that notes I've taken at work for blog posts are often needed by the time I get around to writing anything for public consumption.  So, I might as well write about some miscellaneous odds and ends in my life.

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It's hard to believe, but I haven't seen my brother since Thanksgiving. I realized this when I was talking to RQS about the situation at my brother's house, trying to recall which holiday we spent together with takeout food.  Since I was away cruising at Christmas, I figured out that the holiday was Thanksgiving. But this made me a little sad.  My brother does not have a happy home life, and it seems to have reached a constant low.

Last year, I felt it important to find a way to restore communication with XGFJ.  Over the past year, I realized that as much as I'm glad that we were able to resume communications in a friendly way, I no longer am hurting from our breakup.  Would I have preferred it if we had never broken up?  Yes.  But, I'm not sure if I'd want to revisit that past.  I like where I am now, and do not miss having to guilty about fulfilling commitments I made for myself appearing in a feminine presentation.

Work is a constant soul suck. But I have a set of target end dates for which I will end employment at this place.  My nest egg is large enough to get me through retirement.  Yet, I want to find ways of preserving it as long as possible. So I've kept working.  One of my target dates is for when I've officially been employed by my firm for 12 months. Another target date is the beginning of the month I turn 65. And the last target date is just before my Hawaii cruise.  So far, I'm leaning towards the latter date.  This will allow me to preserve enough savings, so that a 1 time distribution from my 401k will get me through to when I turn on Social Security payments.

The mother of a girlfriend I had from before I was married just passed away.  Even though I haven't seen this woman in years, I'll soon be sending a condolence card to my friend. In addition, an acquaintance from college passed away recently, so I'll be sending a condolence card to his widow as well.  The older I get, the quicker people seem to be passing away.  Although this is a normal feeling for people my age, I am still saddened by this fact.

Since I'm writing this post on a Saturday, I am looking forward to seeing RQS again.  The big question is: When the bloom is off the rose, will it still bring back warm feelings?

Thursday, March 3, 2022

Odds and Ends for the month so far

 

Jack Benny.  There is an old joke about him getting mugged.  The mugger says: "Your money or your life," waits a long time for a response from Jack.  The mugger says "Well?" and Jack says: "I'm thinking!  I'm thinking!"  Well, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and want to get some off my chest.

- - - - - -

I find it amazing that shortly after I sensed that I had processed much of the grief over losing a relationship with XGFJ, that I started to sense grief welling up from the loss of FCP as a friend.  Yet, this grief was easier to manage, as I didn't have to process other grief at the same time.  There is only so much deep loss a person is equipped to deal with, and I had too much hit me in too short a time.

Things are going well with RQS.  She's far from the type of person I'd seek out.  She's not tall, she doesn't have blond hair, and she lives in an area where car ownership can be a big liability.  So seeing her becomes a scheduling issue - for my car.  Things weren't as bad for me when I dated Ex-GF-M, as her area was less densely populated.

Due to scheduling issues, I've again had to cancel going to some meetups.  Work, Co-Op board issues, and dating have gotten in the way of going to meetups - and I don't mind this too much.

I'm still ambivalent about quitting my job.  I like having new money come into my bank account, as I don't want to drain my savings accounts if I don't have to do so.  Yet, because of issues with my car, I have decided that I must soon start looking for a new car.  I hate doing this now.  But with a car that has 180k miles on the odometer, it's time to do so.  (My issues with the slow leak are the tip of the iceberg in this area.)

Assuming that I quit my job soon, I'm looking at taking a short Bermuda cruise.  Until I make a decision on employment, I won't schedule this cruise.

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As Jack would say: "I'm Thinking...."

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Here's a cruise similar to what I took in December.


I just saw the pricing of the above cruise, and figured I should mention it.  Given that we're less than a month out from the cruise, NCL has priced it to look like another "Unicorn" is out there for hunting. The key differences between this cruise and the cruise I took in December are: (1) the replacement of the port of Charleston, SC with Nassau and (2) my cruise took place on the Gem, while this cruise takes place on the Getaway.


If I were to take this cruise, I'd go for the mini-suite again, and possibly sail as Mario.  Why Mario, you might ask?  Well, I might want to get off in the Bahamas, and don't want any hassles with Bahamian customs.  At $749, plus taxes, port fees, and gratuities for a mini suite, this is a bargain!  But I am not interested in this cruise, as I was bored when I was in Nassau with XGFJ, and that there is nothing worth doing in Port Canaveral.

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My brother looks at auctions to occupy his time.  I look at cruise deals.  In this age of the pandemic, good deals keep coming around.  Although ship capacity is often limited to 50% these days, it is possible that added capacity will only serve to raise prices.  Recently, one video blogger prognosticated that when cruise lines start creeping back to sailing at 100% capacity, that pandemic suppressed demand will cause cruise prices to go up instead of down.  A cruise group he organizes had cabin prices double since he organized that group.
 
Right now, I expect that there will be a lot of last minute price drops until people get wise to the fact that cruise ships are no longer floating Petri Dishes. It's too bad that I couldn't take advantage of last minute discounts for the Hawaii cruise I'll be taking later this year. I simply love the idea of a good bargain.

On the topic of my Hawaiian cruise, I wonder if I will have a traveling companion by then.  If so, will she be comfortable with me sailing as Marian?  Who knows?  But it will be a very interesting situation of this were to come to pass.  And if it comes to pass, will I be able to get her a cruise ticket without putting the deal I have at risk?

- - - - - -
 
Originally, I was planning on taking my Hawaii cruise in Marian mode.  I am hoping that I will be able to do so later this year.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....
 
 



 

Friday, October 29, 2021

It's been two years...

 


Years ago, Ex-GF-M had a thing for Starbucks Coffee.  Her late husband worked for the firm, and finally had a career that he could excel in.  Sadly for her, he passed away a couple of years before we met, and she was still dealing with her loss at that time.  I broke up with Ex-GF-M because she was a bad influence on me.  It was the toxic effect of an addictive triangle (2 people and a substance - in this case, food) that took a negative effect on me.  When I met XGFJ, I thought she'd be the one.  But it didn't work out.  I lost my former cruise partner as a friend around the same time.  That loss was my fault, and due to gross stupidity.  However, I think she hurts more than I do based on a text she sent me at the end of September.  Too bad that the one person she could once turn to in time of need is the one person she can't turn to now.

- - - - - -

But enough of talking about that part of the past.  Many things have changed, and it is very interesting to look at the past and present to see where things are headed.

For 4 years, America had to suffer with a grifter as head of state.  (I didn't "drink the Kool-Aid" as many "Conservatives" had done.)  His rabid support frightened many people then, and still bothers people today.  There was a collective disbelief that someone they believed to be successful and a great businessman was simply a con artist behind a green curtain. But many people in New York, Atlantic City, and other places where he placed his flag knew him for his questionable business practices and not for traditional measurements of business success.  It seemed like every day a new scandal was erupting, and things got progressively worse.  Relief came when he lost the 2000 election, only because he mishandled the pandemic, causing the economy to crater.

The pandemic started off as if it was a problem local to China.  Little did anyone know how much trouble this virus would cause the world.  I can still remember a meetup group acting as if the virus wasn't dangerous when America started being aware of how many people were starting to get ill and die. Within a week, not only did this group stop meeting, but most businesses shut down for in-person work.  If you could work from home, you did.  Even now, 19 months later, most businesses are not requiring their offices to be fully staffed.  After 19 months, many of us are wearing masks to help prevent disease transmission.  With vaccinations (which people lined up for 6 months ago), many people are assuming that they are safe and catching the virus.  Luckily, most of the vaccinated only experience very mild symptoms.  However, there are selfish fools who remain unvaccinated, and this is causing our hospitals to be flooded with Covid patients.  Now, it looks like Covid will be around forever, but will be managed (for most of us) with regular booster shots.

Due to the pandemic, last year's baseball season was shortened to 60 games, with few people allowed to attend the games.  (Attendance was permitted for the people on the field, the TV crews, and security guards.)  At the beginning of this season, some cities were restricting attendance to a socially distanced few, gradually allowing more and more people to attend as long as they could show proof of vaccination.  Yet, there are some athletes who still want to remain unvaccinated, and are prohibited from working out or playing with their teams in their home cities.

In the period since the pandemic started, we have suffered a series of supply chain issues which are causing prices for many goods to go up.  Last year, with poor demand for automobiles, my brother was able to snag a late model car from a car rental agency for 25% less than the same car would sell for today.  Recently, a coworker flew to Hawaii on vacation, and found out that the normal car rental places had nothing to rent - a year ago, they had sold off their inventory to pay their bills.  Now, the rental car companies can't buy enough cars to refurnish their fleets, as the car manufacturers can not get the computer chips needed to build their cars.  (This is yet another pandemic related supply chain issue....)

Before the pandemic, I used to go on a cruise one or twice each year.  Last year, the tourist industry had to slam on the brakes and shut everything down in a two week period.  People were stranded overseas waiting to be repatriated to their home countries.  With one cruise ship, our former president decided to keep it from docking at its port of origin, so that he could keep our Covid infection numbers low.  Eventually, reality set in, and this ship made it to a nearby port.  Yet, many people had stranger journeys to make it home from overseas.  MWL recounted that the pandemic hit in the middle of an overseas trip, and that returning home was a confusing mess.  

Once the tourist doors were slammed shut, only a limited few people were allowed to make their way across borders.  For example, there were Canadian doctors and nurses who worked in the USA - they were allowed to cross.  But there were other essential people crossing the border, such as truck drivers making deliveries across borders, and Americans doing a land transit through Canada to reach Alaska.  The loss of the tourist trade hurt people on both sides of the border, Alaska and Canada's Maritime Provinces lost out on over a year's worth of tourist money - and the affected people will likely be affected for years.

However, things are returning to a new normal.  The US has allowed foreign flagged ships to sail to Alaska from Seattle, so that Alaska doesn't lose two years of tourist business.  Long delayed movies are finally making it to theaters.  I just saw the new James Bond flick, and can't wait to see the new Ghostbusters flick when it comes out.  I've started going out as Marian much more often, and feel comfortable traveling in both presentations.  I guess it's because I've been able to live much of my life as Marian over the past 19 months, and have a better idea of how much Marian (and Mario) means to me....



Friday, April 16, 2021

Some more odds and ends, starting with Picasso's Last Words.

 


I decided to open this post with lines from McCartney's "Picasso's Last Words" because they fit the way I felt as I was getting out of bed this morning.

The grand old painter died last night
His paintings on the wall
Before he went he bade us well
And said goodnight to us all.
 
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
 
The reason for this clip was that a good friend of mine, WDS, struggled to write the email below:

I have not taken the vaccine; there seems to some kind of delay.

I had a stroke with two hemorrhages in the left side of my brain one week ago and spent three days in ICU. My right hand is numb often. The right side of my tongue is numb all the time. I lost half my vocabulary. To spell correctly, I must look up almost every word. Sometimes, I lose the ability to speak; when that happens, I can't pronounce any words, and I can't think of any words. Nuance is now gone. I have lost my appetite; last week, I lost 10 lb. I sure that I have lost more this week because my clothes are now too loose.

I do not know how much longer I will remain alive, but as my body shuts down, I think death is close to me.

I use a lot of time when I write replies. This one took me 25 minutes to assemble.

Sadly, I do not have either his phone number or snail mail address.  At the time I write this, I have no idea of how to respond to him.  Should I volunteer to drive to Florida to see him one last time?  Should I try to get a snail mail address and a phone number to be able to reach him by traditional means?  I don't know what to do, and I was bothered by this while at work today.

- - - - - -

Last night, I decided to do something I usually don't like doing - cook.  I decided to cook something extremely simple, yet a little labor intensive: Cook home made potato chips.  It's a bit of a pain, as I had to peel the potatoes, slice them paper thin (next time, I'll use a mandoline for this), then fry them in small batches until golden brown.  The problem - I decided to do this at 10:30 at night.  Although I had mixed results, I enjoyed the few chips I ate.

- - - - - -
 
The other day, I wrote something to XGFJ.  She misunderstood what I meant, and thought I might be taking a dig at her.  (I wasn't.)  However, I thought of the following witty reply which I didn't send:
 
If I were taking a dig at you, you'd have seen the shovel.
 
Obviously, this would likely have been misinterpreted in the moment.  (Later on, I mentioned this in the Zoom meeting with my Texas friends.  They laughed, as I would expect....)

But seriously....  When I think of XGFJ, I only would like to have her as an activity partner friend.  Dollars to donuts this won't happen because of her fear of seeing me and having her feelings for me kick in.  I liked her, but could never trust her enough anymore to risk a romantic relationship.  Any person who'd threaten to "out" someone to a person's 92 y/o father can not be trusted with things one confides in an intimate partner.   

Years ago, XGFJ used to ask me, "Do you have any complaints about me?"  In retrospect, I now do.  But will never bother to tell her this.  She never trusted me enough to be herself when we had a relationship.  She repressed enough of herself to have me around, that I never could help her with her needs.  Hopefully, this won't be the case in any future relationship she may have. 
 
- - - - - - 

This weekend, FH and I are going to try and make it to the restaurant we planned to go to last week.  I hope this happens.  It'll be nice to have a nice unhurried meal with her.

- - - - - -

Back to my friend, WDS....  I figured that I'd ask a couple of friends for advice on what to say to him.  I feel that I have to say something, but what?  I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to one friend sometime in the past few months.  At least, with WDS, I have the chance to say goodbye.  It's just figuring out how best to do it.

Speaking with TCL, it took me a while to get a chance to speak - and then she listened attentively.  But when I called Vicki, she ran off trying to tell me a lot of things and not thinking that I simply needed someone to listen to me while I think much of this out myself.  I guess that I'll have to interrupt Vicki and TCL more often, simply to get them to listen instead of talk.

In the end, I sent the following email:

Your news came as a shock to me, and I have some questions. Please take your time to answer them, as you need the energy to focus on your recovery.
  1. What do the doctors say about recovery?
  2. Where are you staying now? A Care Facility? Home?
    Can you give me an address and a phone number? Someone I can contact?
  3. Would you like for me to come down for a few days?
I don't really want to go to Florida at the last moment. I will do so for WDS, as he was there for me when I needed him most. What are friends for? And this leads me back to a quick mention of XGFJ. Would she have done the same for me when we were a couple? I doubt it. I'm glad I didn't count on her when I was supposed to go for a colonoscopy last year. Even though she said she'd help me after we broke up, I doubt she would have kept her commitment once our dispute started. Over time, one learns who one's real friends are and who they aren't. In my case, I've learned a lot about the quality of people by how they manage their lives. If the worst happens to WDS, I will miss someone who I could trust with my life.








 

 

 

Sunday, February 14, 2021

The other day, my telephone was like the switchboard at Grand Central Terminal

 

Recently, I had more people calling (or texting) me in one night than usually happens in a week. But then, it was perfectly understandable given the circumstances....

- - - - - -

Early in the day, my brother interrupted me while I was taking care of something important. He called me to let me know that a financial issue we've had closing out our dad's estate should be over soon - the bank is mailing out a check, and my brother will deposit it on arrival.  This means that, god willing, I should be able to afford to take my Hawaii cruise when cruising starts up again.  

Later in the day, Vicki called me to chat a little. I had just started to straighten out some of the mess in the apartment, and was interrupted.  A few seconds after Vicki hung up, my brother called again, just to shoot the breeze. I called my friend Vanessa to touch base on a course which required my help figuring out her problem with setting up an ad campaign on Google search, and she said that she'd call back shortly. So I took this time to chat with TCL. 

Once done with TCL, I received a message from a friend in Manhattan, and we "chatted" for a while before I was tired of texting.  So I bid her goodbye for the night. And almost immediately after wards, I received a text from a new acquaintance on Facebook, and we started to shoot the breeze.  Although she's talking with me as Mario, I know she'd be surprised to find out that I once frequented her store as Marian.  (That's something I will reveal at a future time.) While shooting the breeze, XGFJ texted me to chat a little.  She sent me a link for a store in her neck of the woods that opened a new location in Eastchester.  Applestone Meat is known for its 24x7 stores which use vending machines to dispense their products.  Although the meat is expensive, it is an excellent value if you like high quality beef.  By the time I was done with my new friend and my ex girlfriend, Vanessa called me back and we were both talking about her Google ad problems and catching up on what has been going on with our lives.

By the time midnight came along, I was fried.  This is one of those times I'm glad that I don't have to go to work in the morning.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.


The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.


Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

- - - - - -

One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

 .



Sunday, July 19, 2020

Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!


Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds. 





Wednesday, July 15, 2020

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...


It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 


As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.



I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?


Sunday, July 12, 2020

Coronavirus!


This virus has affected everyone.  For people like me, we have lost people near and dear to us.  For others, like XGFJ, they caught the bug and survived - some with long term negative effects. And yet, still others are asymptomatic.  It is not something to take lightly, yet some politicians have done so for political and economic reasons.

As recently as 3 months ago, New York was America's ground zero.  The virus was burning, and the only way to put it out was to deny it fuel - which we did with an extended quarantine. Now, the virus is burning hot in Florida and Texas.  Why?  It's because the governors of those states ignored medical advice from the CDC, and paid attention to Trump's need to show that America was open for business prior to election day.  People in dire economic straits usually vote out the incumbent party, and our president was willing to sacrifice the health of the nation in order to be reelected.

I've been in contact with friends in New York, Florida, and Texas, and only the New Yorkers seem to have a healthy perspective on things.  We still fear the virus, but we feel safe in a gradual reopening of the economy.  Compare this with Texas, where many people won't bother with face masks, and treat the act of wearing one as a symbol of a culture war.  Florida is even worse.  And these states are having infection rates such as New York had 3 months ago.  Even an ex girlfriend of 22 years ago is worried.  But she is stuck in Florida for now.

The other day, a tweet came across my path.  It showed a golf cart parade of Trump supporters being heckled by anti Trump people from the same community ("The Villages".) It's a damned shame that people have consumed Trump flavored Kool-Aid, as we will be suffering for years because of this poor excuse for a human being.  Because of this man's deliberate inaction, we are now in a situation where the Europeans (who are desperate for American tourist dollars) have decided to keep Americans out - to preserve the gains they have made against the virus.

I have both gained and lost things of value because of the virus.  No price can be put on the loss of a parent - I will always miss my dad.  However, I've learned that I do very poorly when I am idle.  I need routines to keep me busy, and I need a social network to keep me sane.  And I have worked to patch together such a network.  Not being in intensive contact with XGFJ for the past 6 months has taught me that I should never get too attached to someone.  There is a fine line between love and addiction, and only now am I truly starting to get over losing her as both a friend and lover.  As much as the pandemic hurt me, this may have been its greatest gift - the knowledge that she could love only part of me, not the whole of me, making her a bad partner for me.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Life gets even crazier



Most people who know me are aware that I am an avid Marxist.  No, not in the economic sense, but in the comedic sense.  Of the brothers, I would have love to have known both Groucho and Harpo - but for very different reasons.  Groucho was an underappreciated wit, and a man who, sad as it is, didn't seem to have a happy home life.  Harpo was the exact opposite.  He was a man who was cherished by all - including his wife and children.  No one in show business ever had a bad word to say about him.  If I had to choose between these two brothers, I'd have picked Harpo as a friend.

- - - - - -

Casual readers may be wondering why I start off this entry with a mention of the Marx Brothers. Well, the answer to this is that my life seems to be like a script from one of their movies - a thin plot coupled with a lot of insanity.

In my case, things with XGFJ may be coming to a head.  A while back, she threatened to expose me to my family.  But I blunted that threat.  The other day, I signed up for a meetup with "her" dinner group, and she signed up for one with mine shortly afterwards.  At the same time, a mutual friend of ours (who might be interested in dating me) signed up for the same dinner.  I told her that I'd be attending as a female, and she didn't mind.  (I'll bet she knows a little bit more about XGFJ's views than she wants to let on, as I caught her in a statement that XGFJ made to me.)  So, to have someone I could count on in my corner, Vicki decided to join me for this dinner with "my" group.

Sadly, I have to plan for the possibility of XGFJ going ballistic.  She threatened to out me earlier in the year for attending any of the groups - and refused to work with me on a reasonable accommodation for her discomfort in seeing me.  Now that I have blunted her weapon, I feel no reason to accommodate her feelings.  She left me because I was putting my female side more and more in public, thinking I was lost in a "pink fog".  This was never the case.  But without her making her real issue understood to me, she gave up on a relationship that could have worked.  Now that the relationship is defunct, everything I might have done for her while in a relationship is off the table.  And that bothers her in the extreme.

At virtually all meetups I have attended in the recent past, I have attended them all as a female.  It wouldn't make any sense to confuse people by showing up as a male and letting things slip up.  (What would happen if I referenced something that only that person and my feminine persona would know?)  However, I have also signed up for meetup groups as my male persona, as a male presence would be required there.  (Think of singles mixers, etc.) Two of those groups are known to XGFJ, as I attended them with her early on in our relationship. And my presence in any of these groups bothers XGFJ.

So what would you do in my size 13-W shoes?







PS: Our mutual friend also signed up for the theater group that XGFJ didn't want me to attend. Again, she'll be seeing me in female presentation, so I doubt she has as many problems with it as XGFJ.  Keep your fingers crossed!

















Sunday, June 28, 2020

Miscellaneous notes from the home front



This Tuesday, I took the day off from work and walked another 2.5 miles (1.25 each way) on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  As usual, I took some photos and captured some "MOOving" images.  This post is my way of documenting some of the little things that have occurred that I felt worth documenting....

- - - - - -

On a recent trip to the Walden-Walkill Rail Trail, I met two ladies cycling on the trail.  We spoke for a while about the history of the trail and why there is a break in the trail.  Then one of them mentioned that she was gay and that she was riding with her partner.  That didn't bother me, I wasn't out to pick either of them up.  But it did give me an opportunity to show them a picture of me in female mode.  At that point, any awkwardness was relieved, and I waved them off as they rode back to their starting point.

- - -

Recently, the host and hostess of our Thursday game nights wanted to try out some online gaming platforms.  So several of us logged on one Friday evening and had a nice time.  Too bad we weren't doing this during the worst of the quarantine.

- - -

I think I will need to set up a new OK Cupid profile.  It's not that the old ones are bad.  It's that I've clicked through everyone possible, swiping right as needed.  Instead of doing this, I should have written messages to the ladies I am interested in, using a strategy similar to that which I'd use when writing cover letters and resumes - customization.  We'll see what happens if I bother to do this.

- - -

Thinking of dating, I finally met a woman I've been chatting with from Forest Hills.  She's a nice gal, and it might be worth the effort to date her.  So I'll try to arrange another get together soon.

- - -

Some of my readers might know that my ex girlfriend (XGFJ) had a big problem with the idea of me attending any of her meetup groups' gatherings.  She tried to blackmail me by threatening to expose me to my family as Transgender, so that I wouldn't attend.  Recently, I attended a gathering of "her" live music group (I knew the organizer from "my" dinner group) and had a nice time.  The ex hadn't gotten livid yet.  She now wanted to "negotiate" how we'd share our groups.  To me, that opportunity ended with her blackmail attempt.  The other day, "her" dinner group opened up to newcomers.  I signed up, and saw the following in a Facebook message:

I have said this before but you ignored what I said. We need to talk about you going to my meet up groups. You have joined 17 of my meet up groups. There are plenty of other meet up groups that you can join especially going south in Westchester.

Although I never attended that group's meeting due to XGFJ's blackballing me, I accomplished what I wanted - I sent a message saying that I no longer need to care what she thinks anymore. 

I won't go into all the crap that occurred over the past few months, but I believe that even though she claimed to want a friendship after the breakup, her actions said otherwise.  Without any relationship, I feel no obligation not to attend meetings in the 4 groups where our interests intersect - Dining, Music, Theater, and Hiking.  I'm taking Vicki's advice, and signing up for any event I want to attend, not worrying about XGFJ's feelings about my attendance. There is at least one event where we are booked to be at the same place at the same time.  I wonder if she'll bug out, as she did for a gathering of the live music group.

Yet... I wouldn't mind it if we could be friends again.  But I doubt that she wants a friendship. She can not see me as a male without thinking of me as a female.  Sadly, that makes her extremely uncomfortable, and probably makes a friendship impossible. 





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