A trip into NYC

 

When I first worked in NYC many years ago, my friend WDS and I used to frequent this joint.  The food was always good, and the prices were always reasonable.  Today was my first chance to visit this place in years, and it didn't bring back any good (or bad) memories.  It was just another New York City restaurant that has weathered the pandemic, and has found a way to stay alive until things return to a new "Normal".

- - - - - -

FH and I had planned to visit Manhattan's Chinatown or Williamsburgh, Brooklyn today, and Manhattan won out.  So it was off to the core of the Big Apple, hitting every traffic jam along the way.  Once we reached Manhattan, FH's GI Tract started acting up, and we ended up in the West Village.  This is we found an on-street parking spot nearby several open restaurants.  And it was just in time, as FH had to take care of some urgent business.  With that out of the way, we sat down to enjoy a nice late lunch or early dinner.  

Considering that it was starting to get a little bit cooler after we ate, FH suggested that we head over to the Brooklyn Wegmans, so that she could pick up some food before going home. Unlike our previous visits, we had no problems finding a parking spot - Passover was starting, and most Jews were likely to be at home celebrating the holiday with family.  And then, FH's GI Tract acted up again.  So we cut our shopping run short, and went back to her place.   Unfortunately, there were no spaces available near her apartment, so I ended up going home earlier than either of us wanted.

The big thing of the day was a trip into NYC for dinner with a new friend.

 

It's hard to believe how empty Grand Central Terminal is these days.  It was the first time at GCT in over a year, and things have really changed due to the pandemic.  If I didn't know better, I might have thought things were "normal" based on how everything felt when I arrived.  Things felt too comfortable for comfort.  None of the usual crowds were milling about the terminal.  None of the food stands and news stands I usually counted on seemed to be open - as if they closed the terminal after rush hour ended.  And most of all, the relative quiet of the place compared to the old normal.

- - - - - -

I spent the whole work day in my usual tunic and trouser garments.  However, I was prepared for the evening, as I had pantyhose on underneath.  This way, I could change into my dress without the time consuming headache of donning hosiery when I needed the time for something else.  And I did need the extra time before catching the train into NYC, as I couldn't find my favorite scarf.  Why did I look for the scarf?  50 mph wind gusts.  The last thing I needed was for my hair to look shitty when meeting someone in person for the first time.

Luckily, I was able to make it to the local train station with a few minutes to spare.  While waiting, I noticed that Metro North was preparing a new platform to serve a track not accessible from the original platform.  (It looks like a temporary platform to me, but they could make it permanent in the future.)  The train came a minute afterward, and I was n my way into the city.

Arriving at the terminal, my first destination was an ATM.  However, Chase had moved its ATMs out of Grand Central and the closest Chase ATM was at a branch across the street.  (I was lucky to arrive 15 minutes early, as I needed the extra time to get some money.)  I was surprised when I found that the machine dispensed a $100 bill.  That C-Note won't be spent any time soon.  A few minutes later, I met my new friend and we walked to the restaurant. 

My friend realized that this restaurant was a different one than she expected to go to, but we had a pleasant meal.  Around 9:00, we walked back to GCT and we said our goodbyes.  Hopefully, she'll be interested in a friendship. If not, it was a nice evening with someone new.

Is it me?

 

A while back, an acquaintance of mine wondered why s/he was being avoided at gatherings. I tried to be tactful and shift the focus to other problems.  But the problem was mostly with this person.  S/he was loud, yet had little to say that interested people. This person focused on one of his/her traits as an explanation for half of the group avoiding this person.  But I didn't have the heart to explain things, or the energy to illustrate the nature of the problem.

- - - - - -

Several years ago, I attended one session of a women's group being formed.  Another woman (let's call her J for now) asked me for help with her group, then backed away very quickly when she found out I was transgender.  Over time, I have become open about my transgender nature, but was afraid to do so when I first started going out and about in the world.  So some people accepted me for the person I was, and others shunned me - like the person mentioned above.

When I had my dispute with my ex, the ex made sure that J had all the details (supporting the ex's point of view) to make her keep me out of the group.  Yet, she didn't expel me from the meetup list - she just wouldn't admit me to meetings.  J came into one of my groups, then said a few things to the ex as if I were making a big deal about being excluded.  (That is a great distortion.  But with a clique, distortions go far in keeping someone out.)  Eventually, the ex claimed that it was me who caused the former leader of the group (let's call her S for now) to quit leadership of the group.  Let's chalk the ex's statement up to being angry at me for wanting to join one of "her" meetups as if the ex owned them.  Yet, I'll give J some credit for her part in this affair - she was eventually willing to tell me how she felt, instead of being mute.

Later on in our dispute, the ex was making a big deal about me entering the secondary groups which were formed by members of the first group and made sure that the new leader of the group (let's call her L for now) kicked Marian out, but not Mario.  That was OK, as I wasn't immediately planning on going to the ex's favorite group until any romantic feelings I once had for the ex were gone.  For some unknown reason, Mario was later kicked out of the group without causing any trouble in the group or even visiting the group.  That was the catalyst that cause me to contact the ex, as she once said that I could go to the group as Mario.  Yet, in a way, I may have been lucky NOT to be able to go - for reasons I was thinking about the other day.

After I contacted the ex, I asked her if she asked L to exclude me.  The ex claimed she didn't, but the sudden unexplained exclusion didn't make sense to me (or others in my circle).  The ex made a big deal about showing me proof that she didn't ask L to kick me out.  I wonder if L was only trying to protect the ex from her feelings if I were to go there once as Mario.  Why didn't L have the courtesy to respond to my question of her?  I have more respect for J who would state what her feelings were, than for L who didn't. 

Recently, I had a conversation with Vicki, and we discussed intimacy in friendships vs. intimacy in romance.  The two are different things.  Both of us recognized the need for an occasional argument in the romance, as that forces things to the surface which might be suppressed for too long.  My friend DCD argues way too much with his girlfriend - almost every night.  I never argued with the ex until after we broke up.  DCD and his girlfriend had the flip side of my problem with the ex - poor communication without judgement, negotiation, or compromise.

- - - - - -

But back to the first person I mentioned....

During the worst of the pandemic, I received one contact from this person - and s/he had nothing to say.  When I wanted to mention the background of my problem with the ex, s/he had already taken the side of the ex before the call.  Was I ever really his/her friend?  Next time, if asked, I will answer this question ("Is it me?") directly but tactfully, and maybe help the person who asks it.

That leads me to the nature of the meetup group that was the focus of all the problems.  It was for Over 50's who are single.  Might the group be a self selecting group of people who have intimacy issues? (I have edited out my musings on intimacy for brevity.) If so, I might have been lucky to be excluded, as most of the group's regulars may either not know what real intimacy is, or not want it anymore.

As for the question of the day....  Yes, it could be me.  And I know what the "It" is, unlike the first person I mentioned.  For that, I am lucky.

 

 

 

 

PS: I do not check meetups to see if my ex is part of them, or whether she is going to anything I am interested in.  The one time I stumbled into her registration for an event was a fluke.  I wonder what will happen when we finally stumble into each other, as the odds would suggest. 

PPS: The first person I was writing about even writes loudly.  If you were to see an email from this person, you'd understand what I mean....

A quick note

The above picture is from one of those "you should have been there" moments.  Several years ago, I went to "Burlesque by the Beach" with YGM, and had a great time.  The lady in the picture was doing a pantomime of woman getting dressed while almost naked and the audience was having a great laugh.

- - - - - -

If I could turn back the clock, I'd probably turn it back to a time when YGM was here - and take advantage of the chance to be with this friend more often.  Now that she's in Florida, there's little chance we can get together at will.  That's OK, as she's been doing well down there.  But up here, I miss the days before Covid-19 struck the land.  And when "Normalcy" comes back, my normal will be very different from that I had several years ago.

Soon, I plan to publish a post about a friend who was never able to get out and about as the person she was inside.  She always lived in the shadows.  Even though I lost a lot over the past year or so, at least I had the chance to live as my authentic self.  And I have learned from my past, unlike many people I know.

It takes a lot to be able to withstand the attacks of people who don't understand you.  My friend was unable to do that.  She had to worry about a wife who didn't accept this part of herself, and couldn't break free of her cocoon.  I did.  Yet, I sometimes wonder if this has been worth what I lost in the process.  Given what I know about people, I think the people I lost in the process weren't secure enough in themselves to understand and accept someone like me.  

- - - - - -

Recently, I got a job working as Marian.  Several people I know wondered whether I was working as Mario or as Marian.  The big question is: "Why should it matter?"  I'm the same person no matter how I'm presenting at the moment.  If I were to get a different job, I might take it as Mario. (I know one job opening where I will apply as Mario.  But I'm not saying where for now.)

Looking back at the time I went to the show with YGM, I realized that the performer in the picture was more sure of who she was than most people I know.  One has to have confidence to perform almost naked in front of a group of people.  And she had that.  I wish more of us had the same....

Opening up a mystery box or two

 

I like the above picture of me.  In it, I almost look like a pretty old grandmother - and that pleases me. Yesterday, I received my mystery boxes from Universal Standard and got 7 items.  The 6 pictures below are the items I will likely wear.

 

(Mine is in Merlot)

The three dresses I received are all good for Fall/Winter wear, and I plan to try them out when the weather gets cooler.  Although the two items below will be good for summer, I am not sure if the shorts may be appropriate for wearing outside.  I will check with Vicki before wearing them.

 

(Mine is in Merlot)

From what you can see in the above pictures, was it worth $200 to get these quality garments?  It was a gamble I might not take again, but I'll answer that question later in the year.  My friends in Texas game me the thumbs up on the boxes, so I think I may have been lucky....

The mystery box has arrived

 

A couple of months ago, I placed an order with Universal Standard for two "Mystery Boxes."  One box was for Athleisure Wear, and the other was for Dresses. The two "boxes" came in a single delivery, and there was not a thing I could wear   ...at this time of year.

The Athleisure box had 4 items:

• V-Neck Short Sleeve T-Shirt (Black/White Striped)
• Shorts (Navy Blue)
• Sweatshirt (Merlot)
  
• Bandeau Top (Gray)      ----    There is no way I'll wear this, so it goes in the donation pile.
  

The Dresses box had 3 items:

• Shirt Dress (Merlot)
• Turtleneck Dress (Dark Green)
• Sweatshirt Dress (Navy Blue)

I think for buying a pig in a poke, I may have gotten my money's worth.  But would I do it again?  Maybe.  But I'll think about gambling a little more carefully next time.  Right now, I'm not in the mood to try on the dresses to see how they look.  But I will do so soon, take some pictures, and post them for my readers to comment on.

A walk in the park....

 

It's been a while since I've had the chance to go out hiking with DS.  Like FH, she has a schedule which leaves only one weekend day free to do things.  FH works Sunday-Thursday, while DS works Tuesday-Saturday.  This means that I have only one full day that I can schedule a get together with each person per week.  At least there is no conflict with these women, as I see them for completely different reasons and have completely different feelings about them.

- - - - - -

Yesterday, I received a message from DS that read:

Hi ladies, would you like to go for a walk Sunday morning? 
It's going to be almost 60 degrees. 
Afterwards, maybe we can do outdoor dining.

I figured that DS was inviting one or more women to walk with us today.  Given that there are people I don't want to see in Marian mode, I asked who else was invited.  DS mentioned that she was trying to get LR out of the house.  Unfortunately, this did not happen.  It was just DS and I on the trails today: all 4.2 miles on the Yellow Trail at Babcock Preserve in Greenwich, CT.  One of the problems of this park is there is not enough parking at one end of the park.  So we had to park on the street.  Another problem is that in some places, the trail is poorly blazed.  It would be very easy for an inexperienced hiker to get lost on the trails.  Yet, we had a good time, followed by a tasty meal on Greenwich's main drag.

On the way home, I stopped off at Wegmans to pick up some lunches for the week at work.  I figure that I can buy Thursday and Friday's meals later on, as I want my food to be as fresh as reasonably possible.  As I arrived home, I noticed some people working on the lower right corner apartment in my building.  When I realized whose apartment it was, I realized that it was her dad, my former mechanic.  Hopefully, he didn't recognize me, as I hate hearing comments from the peanut gallery.

- - - - - -

Going back to a topic that I've been thinking about lately, I feel that there are two different types of intimacies: A Friendship Intimacy and a Romantic Intimacy.  I'm still working on how to define each type of intimacy, but I feel that the failings in my relationships as of late have much to do with both types of intimacy and the lines drawn between the two.

 

A quick note: A box is on its way.

Today was the only day this week that I was in my male presentation.  As long as I see FH, I feel she needs Mario in her life, and not Marian.  And today gave me proof that FH is not the right person for me.

- - - - - -

The day started by me waking up early in the morning.  Since I didn't want to ruin my rest, I took care of necessities and went back to bed for a couple of hours.  Then, it was time to do a load of laundry, so that I could have some clothes for the coming week.  Since the clothes were in the laundry for the next hour, I ran to the post office to send a card to my niece in England.  While there, I saw the above box - perfect to send a backscratcher to my friend, Stephanie, in the Dallas, TX area.  

The running comment in our Zoom meetings is that Stephanie is always using some kind of tool to scratch her back, and never getting it just right.  So I said that I'd send her a backscratcher one day.  Today looked like it was going to be that day, now that I found the box at the post office. About 90 minutes later, my clothes were in the laundry basket, the backscratcher in the box, and I was headed out the door to FH's place.  After 5 minutes at the post office, I was on my way to Forest Hills to pick her up for a late lunch/early dinner.

FH is always a little picky about the clock.  If I'm running late, she'll text me to find out where I am - even though I shouldn't be texting while driving.  Luckily, I have found places where I could text her back safely without causing an accident.  But I'll need to tell her to call me instead, as I shouldn't have to look for a place to pull over to text her safely. After I got to her place, we made a trip to the local stationery store, so that she could get some needed supplies for her visit to her office the next morning.  (She works a Sunday-Thursday schedule.) Then it was off to a nearby outdoor mall to do some shopping and to eat afterward.

This is where I found out that we don't communicate well enough to be more than just friends.  The GPS took us to the site of the mall, but didn't give us an idea of where the restaurant was inside the mall.  So I made a couple of misjudgements regarding where to park, and she was only making things worse with her comments. Instead of noticing I was a little frustrated and needing the mental horsepower to figure things out in a place where I was unfamiliar, she kept commenting on not knowing where the restaurant was, and how far she might have to walk to get where she wanted to be.  I ended up raising my voice a little, but not shouting out of control, asking her to be quiet for a second, so I can keep my perspective on things - something she didn't know how to do.  Eventually, I figured out what I needed to figure out, and got us to a centrally located parking lot in this complex.

After doing a little shopping, FH and I went to the restaurant and were told that we'd have to wait an hour for a table.  This was not good enough for either of us, so we left - and then left the mall to eat elsewhere.  (FH was a little annoyed at the fellow who told us we'd have to wait an hour, vs. telling the next group that it was a 45-60 minute wait.  Big Deal.  Maybe he's dealt with this group before and coddles them a little.  But the difference in messaging and her reaction to that told me a lot about FH.  And then, when the fellow said that there is no in-restaurant waiting area, she ignored that until he mentioned it again.)  Eventually, we made it to a Middle Eastern joint in Ridgewood for dinner.  Then, it was back to her place to drop her off.  (This was not one of our best days.)  

Where the Ex complained too little, FH complains a little too much.  I'm still looking for a happy median.  Hopefully, I'll find one soon.  Life is too short not to have someone special to care for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS: I had to chuckle after scanning the selections on one dating website.  Someone who blocked me from a meetup group (not talking of the ex) is dating and her profile showed on my feed. I certainly would never consider someone like her for many reasons....

It was the end of the week, and things are catching up with me.

  

 
Several  weeks ago, Vicki suggested I buy the above top to go with the wide leg trousers I wore to dinner with her.  Today, due to Lane Bryant not having the top in its warehouse, I decided to drive to New Jersey to buy it.  This top and the top below were the results of this shopping trip, a trip that cost me more in gas and tolls than what I may have saved if I could have bought either top online.

With my face, I am far from a 10.  The weight also makes me look fat - because I am.  Yet, I seem to blend in well enough to be accepted by people in the female role.  Of course, the voice training I got at Mercy College helped a lot in making my female presentation workable for everyday use.  (Now, if only I could get rid of my male body fat distribution and develop a set of hips in its place....)

But why do I say that things were catching up with me?  People I didn't expect to get in contact were getting in contact with me, and I didn't have the time to do all the things I needed or wanted to do.  For example, my friend from game night wanted to confirm going on our hike and wanted to bring another friend from game night along.  I wasn't going to miss seeing this other friend as well, so I made sure to say YES to that.  Then, one of the two women I befriended from Mercy contacted me and wanted to schedule getting together.  With two events already on my calendar that took up days I'd normally use to get together, I decided to use a Thursday, now that my Texas friends are meeting in person and not via Zoom.  And I had to consider my get together with FH, along with my weekly chores of buying food for the week, with laundry afterwards.  How do I fit everything in to my schedule, now that things are opening up again?  I haven't had to think this way since the last time I was gainfully employed.

If I were dating someone who were coming to my apartment on a regular basis, I wouldn't have done what I did after work today - go shopping for the above two tops.  I would have been with the woman, as I would have put her needs first.  Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to take a drive to look at the above two tops. It's been ages since I was in Clifton, NJ - almost 40 years ago, when on a gig for a "consulting" firm (read: Rent a Programmer) that has been gobbled up by even larger firms since then.  The firm I was contracted to also has been gobbled up.  So I didn't expect many professional memories to be stirred up while on the drive - and they weren't.  Yet, I didn't expect to see how much the area had changed since I was there last.  All the landmarks I might have remembered were gone, and either large strip malls or apartment complexes were left in their wake.  The Lane Bryant store I went to was in one of those malls.

By the time I left the store, all the rush hour traffic I saw along the way had dissipated. So I decided to take a leisurely ride back home.  Could I have bothered to do laundry?  Yes.  But I was too tired from getting up at 6 am.  Instead, I decided to rest, and fell out with the TV on....

I keep making lists, but nothing comes of them.

 

One of the things I do at work each day while not looking at a computer screen is to make a list of things to buy and things to accomplish.  Some of these lists I make involve things I need to do now, and other things I need to do in the future- such as blogging about my future vaccinations.  This helps to keep my mind focused enough to get through the day at work, and to help set my priorities for the near future.

Some of the things on these lists involve people I want to call, so that I can arrange my social schedule for the next couple of weeks.  This can involve setting up an occasional date or two. Other things involve cooking, and and the ingredients I have at hand.  Often, I plan to buy salad and eat it, but I never get around to it. Other times, I plan to cook some pudding, but I never get around to it - the milk I have in the ice box always seems to go to waste. Very little of these things to do and things to buy ever get checked off.

With this being said, I feel that making these lists is a good thing, as I know what my priorities are.  The things I did not buy or did not do are not that important at the moment, but the ones I checked off the list were the ones that were needed to be taken care of most. 

So I will continue to make my lists and see what happens next.

Things are starting to open up again - somewhere.

 

Last night, I found that my friends in Texas were about to have their first in-person meeting in a while.  Sadly, this means that our Zoom Meetups will likely be ending soon.  That saddens me, as I see this happening in New York as well, and I've been blackballed from a group that I would have liked to attend in either of my modes.  Such is life.

Eventually, other venues will open up as well.  I can't dwell on the past, as it is long gone.  There are things that I'd do differently if I had the chance to do a "redo" on 2020.   But that's not realistic.  When I asked a question of the ex, "what would she do differently?", she avoided answering the question.  I can only infer only one thing from her actions of last year: she didn't want to deal with me in either presentation at a meetup group), and didn't care about how she accomplished this.  She could have gotten what she really wanted with less pain had she been willing to communicatet and negotiate, but that' didn't happen.  Her "nastygram" on the morning of my birthday showed her real self -  someone who doesn't worry about the degree of pain she inflicts on others when she's pursuing a goal of her own.  (I know she will think differently from me on this.  Last year's dispute was proof that she wanted me as far away from her group(s) as possible and didn't care how she'd keep me away.)

But enough about the ex.  I've given her way too much headspace lately. There are other, more important things I'm concerned with right now - such as getting vaccinated against Covid-19.  Now that things have opened up even more, I figure that I'll try to score an earlier appointment than what I have now.  I want to be "fully protected" before summer comes.  Of course, I have taxes to file, and it looks like last year's withholding game plan worked - over withhold by 10%, and that should cover progressive taxes on income from sources other than the census.  So I'll do the same for this years income from the new job, and withhold taxes with the assumption that I'll be there until year end.

I still have a big vacation to plan.  However, to take it means that I will likely have to leave my job, or accept unpaid time off.  (I'd accept the latter option if I could get it.)  You'll note that I've made the assumption that I'll remain on this job until then.   But any job I can joke about in the way I do is likely to be too mind numbing to stay there too long.  I need something that occupies my mind, and only so much vacation planning can be done in my head at work.

At least one good thing has happened so far due to the loosening of pandemic restrictions. I have been able to schedule a get together with the new friend I made at the Zoom Meetup the other day.  She only knows me as Marian, and that's how I intend to keep it for now.

 

It's hard to believe how much things have changed.

There's a certain timeless twisted quality in the movie UHF that defies description.  It's a great spoof of the nature of (then) UHF TV, where most stations made their money by showing reruns.  Today, all broadcast TV is digital, and there is no physical difference between what were UHF stations, and the original VHF stations - they all share the same area of spectrum reserved for broadcast TV signals.  Yet, when one gets past the technology used to deliver media to people, the gags still work. In the image above, the man at the right is asking for "change"  One man gives him a penny (later found to be a valuable 1909-S VDB penny), while Weird Al's character gives him $1.00 in change, and receives a $1.00 bill in exchange for it.  "Change?" My favorite gag from the film involves a shipment of Badgers for "Raul's Wild Kingdom."  When Raul sees the Badgers, he says: "Badgers?  Badgers?  We don't need no stinking Badgers!"  Raul's show stinks, but it's popular - just like many UHF shows of the past.

Why do I mention "Change?"  Well, I never thought I'd be working in female mode.  Now, I'm employed for the second time as Marian.  If I had been able to get another technology job, I'd have worked as Mario.  But, since these jobs are not open to me right now, why not work as a female and enjoy how many people react to me? If the ex had stayed in my life, I never would have taken this step - romance was always more important to me.  She never understood that, and never will. But that's water under the bridge now.

Because of my new job, I have started wearing clothing more typical of the average American female.  Instead of wearing dresses all the time, I'm wearing tunics with leggings, or long sweaters over trouser like garments.  I seem to be blending in better than I did in the past.  I truly have a foot in each of the male and female worlds.  And this is a good thing....

 

Monday, Monday....

It was Monday, and it's back to work.  I'm getting good at sleeping until almost 6 am, but there are times where I still wake up too early.  However, I've noticed that more traffic is on Route 9a these days, and this will likely be a factor in when I eventually decide to leave this job.

- - - - - -

As usual, I showered, shaved, put on my makeup and left for work at 7:15.  Now, that's not early enough to guarantee that I can stop at the local deli, order a sausage & egg sandwich, and get to work on time.  So I've shifted my deli to one 15 minutes closer to work, and past the Southbound Route 9a traffic jam on the road between Croton and Briarclff Manor.  Luckily, they make a good sandwich, and I get in and out quick enough to make it to work and have a cup of coffee before clocking in.

In an email conversation with the ex, she brought up the fact that living as Marian was my goal.  What she didn't recognize is that I would have sacrificed future progress on this goal to have romance.  Alas, this was not to be - with her.  Strangely enough, I received a call from my accountant this evening to tell me NOT to file my 2020 tax return until I receive my $1400 stimulus check, as I earned too much in tax year 2020 to qualify for a payment.  I mentioned some of the events from the past, and my accountant was incensed. One can make threats of someone, but not ones that can negatively affect a family.  But enough of that.  That problem is in the past  I'm looking towards the future and forgiven the people in my past.

I find it amazing how much time one can waste watching TV.  If I had a brain (and I'm not sure if I do), I'd toss the vidiot boxes out and go back to reading books and listening to radio.  There was a list of 15 things to do in my bag, and I only took care of two of them.  It could be worse....

All I really wanted to do is stay in bed all day

 

As nice as the weather may have been this morning, I wanted to stay in bed and binge watch TV all day.  And that is what I did until almost 5 pm.  (I didn't react well to "Springing Forward" and rather "Fall Back" to a standard time again.)

In the recent past, I used to binge watch "Lucifer" when I had hours to kill and nothing much else to do.  Now, I've been watching "Gotham", and wonder what the show runners would do next.  However, I think I'm getting to the end of what I want to see, as I'm noticing a repetition of theme that indicates that a show should be closed down.

I am a fan of Melissa Hunter's Youtube series, Adult Wednesday Addams.  It's a shame that the Charles and Tee Addams Foundation stopped this woman from making a very enjoyable series with the Wednesday Addams character.  It had better writing than most TV shows, including some that my uncle (who I will not name here) had worked on.  Recently, it was announced that Tim Burton is working on a series to be shown on Netflix which features Wednesday Addams, but I don't think it will be half as creative as the Youtube series was.  In any case, I will watch the show at least once to see if I like it. 

Sadly, one of the shows I loved from 20+ years ago is not available online (as of now).  Midnight Caller's first two seasons were good TV, and I wish I could find the whole series on Netflix or some other streaming service.  Hopefully, that will change soon.  At least, I can find most of the episodes somewhere if I really want to watch them.

Enough of TV for now.  I have to finish my laundry and then get ready for sleep....

 

Commenting on a conversation with Vicki

 

As many of my readers know, I have a job that can be done by a trained monkey for peanuts.  Since they already pay peanuts to us humans anyway, it isn't worth the personnel costs to switch over to a non-human labor force.  Nor do they want to deal with PETA for the mistreatment of animals....

- - - - - -

A job like I have doesn't call for much mental horsepower.  This means I have way too much time to think, and the wrong things have been occupying my headspace.  So I have to work on changing things as much as possible. And that may mean that I will have to look for a new job sooner than I'd like to do so.

This was not the most comfortable conversation I've had with Vicki, as she had more anger than I have had regarding events of the past year.  In certain ways, it feels like I'm being gaslighted because some of my observations and comments in conversations with another person are not triggering a response acknowledging some responsibility for mutual problems. Vicki notices that, and will not let go of her anger towards this person.  At least, I know that I can always count on Vicki to tell me the truth as she sees it - and we've never been in the sort of ambiguous situation where logic would imply one thing, but facts presented would imply something else. 

Eventually, she will move from her current home, and I will miss her dearly.  This date will come way too soon....

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again.

 

It's strange.  Now that things are opening up again, I'm not really sure that I want to bother with most meetups anymore.  I think that last year's scuffle with the ex made me feel this way.

- - - - - -

The thing that 2020 taught me was that most people aren't worth knowing.  WDJ only cared about me when there was a little bit of gossip that I could share with her.  Once I had problems with the ex, she took the side of the ex - and that ended what friendship we had.  Luckily, I was never that close to WDJ, nor did I consider her someone worth staying in contact with during the worst of the pandemic.

Unfortunately, my feelings about the pandemic, the ex and our overlapping circle of acquaintances discourages me from wanting to resume connections with these people. I simply don't feel I'd enjoy getting together with them anymore - I'm looking to build better friendships than I've been able to build with the folks from these groups.  Sometimes, I ask - is it me?  But I think it's something different - if one is a square peg, the round hole won't accept you.

- - - - - -

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again, but that's the way I feel.  I lost way too much just before and during the pandemic to want to revisit people and places that once brought me happiness.  Instead, I want to find people, places, and things which have much more meaning to me.  For example, it'd be nice if I could build a new friendship with the ex.  No, I don't want romance - that involves communication, negotiation, and compromise: three things we couldn't do with each other that well.  Sadly for her, her inability to be assertive in seeing that her needs were met made it impossible for me to address her needs.  I can still remember her asking: "Did you want for me to be bitchy?"  What she didn't recognize was that there is a different between being abusive/aggressive and being assertive.  I wanted her to tell me what she felt, what she needed, and suggest ways we could address those needs.  I would have been there for her if she communicated her needs to me in ways that I could understand. But that's water under the bridge.  I still like her, so I figure it worth the effort to see if we can be good friends instead of just chat buddies.

I won't rehash what the ex did to me right now, as I figure that I might have hurt her just as much in different ways.   I hurt my former cruise partner (FCP) even worse without intending to do so. But when someone demands something of me without leaving me some wiggle room for my needs, I fight back.  There are things I miss about her, and things I don't miss.  Given how badly she probably feels about me now, I know I will never hear from her again.  But then, she can be a vindictive person, so it's best to avoid someone who can be so destructive when set off.

In many ways, FCP and the ex are opposite sides of the same coin.  I feel that neither knows how to communicate, negotiate, and compromise that well.  Neither has had a "successful" marriage. And neither wants what we had in the past.  Due to the pandemic, I don't miss that past that much, as I wasted much of my time in superficial relationships with people.

- - - - - -

The pandemic caused me to think a lot about the things I want from the rest of my life.  And I want the emotional closeness that true friends can share.  In regard to romance, it'd be nice to have someone who cares for me willing to share my space once in a while.  But unless I can find someone who can deal with the two sides of my nature, I doubt I'll be successful in this area. 

With the above being said, I was talking with Vicki tonight and she had her thoughts on the Ex and with FCP.  She may be right.  There are many good things that can be said about the Ex, but she was unable to deal with my TG nature.  Vicki never let go of her anger towards the ex for treating me the way she did.  Regarding FCP, she sees nothing good in this person, and admonished me to NEVER reconcile with her - even for a distant friendship.  Since there's less than a snowball's chance in hell for the friendship to resume with FCP, I have no worries in this regard. 

PS: I had another message exchange with the Ex tonight.  I won't go into details, but from how I read things, she is afraid that seeing me will trigger her feelings for me again.  She doesn't have to worry about that....

 

I never seem to be able to check everything off my lists....

 

Here I am again with the old standby image of me thinking.  Today's post isn't going to be that long.  Instead, it's mostly of things I need and things I need to get done.

- - - - - -

When I got into work, I started making a list of people I needed to contact and things I needed to get done.  Of course, it expanded a little to include things I needed to buy.  I did this in between the work I was doing, as it was a way to stay awake when things were going slowly.

First was a list of 10 people to contact.  Some were reachable with quick emails, and others would need a quick phone call.  One of these calls would be to determine weekend plans, and the other would be where we'd have dinner tomorrow night. Next was picking up a book from the local library.  I have to do this after work, and I can only get there on time two nights each week.  (Today was one of these late days.) Then, I had to order my makeup from a theatrical supply house, as my beard cover is running out. And then I had to deal with paperwork needed to claim my share of my late dad's IRA.  After all of this, I had my Thursday night zoom meeting with my friends from Texas.

No matter what I did, I can never get everything on my list done.  But that's OK with me.  It's a target.

- - - - - -

So I close out today's post with a simple question:

 

 

 Given the above fire hydrant, would it be legal to park in front of it? 
I can't help but think: "Yes!"  My friend Vicki says: "NO."

 

But what about the same hydrant without its control valve being anywhere near the pipe?

Hump Day - If people didn't, we wouldn't.

This is not my current ID card.  There's a part of me that still wishes I had the nursing home receptionist gig.  It didn't pay as well as I'm being paid now, but I had more of a chance to socialize with people.  And that's one of the reasons this trans woman wants to be in the workforce.

- - - - - - 

Recently, Rhonda posted an entry on her blog about her life as a transgender person.  Like Rhonda, I feel that my body defines me less as a woman than the social life I want to lead.  (Read her post - I think you'll enjoy it..) When people don't know that I am transgender, they usually take me for a cisgender woman.  And that's the way I like it when presenting as a female.

When I got home from work today, I tried to reach a couple of friends who were not able to talk when I called.  So I tried reaching out to my new friend in NYC from the other night, and we had a great chat.  Hopefully, we'll be able to meet soon, now that the pandemic is starting to wane and it is slowly becoming safe to meet people in person at restaurants again.  Given that my new friend is 77 years old and has had both of her vaccinations, it's no risk to her if we meet.  So I may just schedule something for sometime soon....

Sadly, our chat had to end when my Wednesday night zoom games meetup started - and that lasted a little longer than usual.  It was a small group tonight, and we had fun.  Hopefully, we'll have more people next week....

I woke up early with a strange thought about the recent past

 

I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past.  When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up.  We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.

Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important?  Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail.  Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me.  She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs.  We never argued until the relationship was over.  In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?"  Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants.  She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me.  She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship.  Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.

There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship.  In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship.  This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship.  But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain.  And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.

Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress.  She was ready for a friendship.  And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....

My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home.  This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office.  Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork.  Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode.  AARGH!  I could use that extra money now.

As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started.  It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done.  Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs.  So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later.  And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....

 

 

 

 

 

I skipped out on one meetup to go to another, and found a friend.

 

First, I have to start out by mentioning that I was thinking of my ex girlfriend today.  My thought process brought me to think that everything about her and her dealings with me reflected an inner ambivalence that only she can resolve for herself.  My issue is that I should pay more attention to "The Dude", and less to people who have no clue about what has gone on in my life over the past couple of years.

- - - - - -

After work, I was supposed to drive out to Norwalk to meet with the Fun Time Friends.  Given that I'm a little bit low on cash, I figured that I'd bail out on this dinner.  Instead, I went home to join in a Zoom meetup geared to help a new firm sell its self improvement courses.

Before the zoom meetup started, I called YGM to say hello.  We hadn't chatted in a long while, and she's happy ensconced in Florida. However, I think she believes the governor's BS that people are flocking to that state because it never fully shut down for the pandemic.  There is an advantage in being young and healthy enough to consider catching the virus an acceptable medical risk.  As for me, I take the risk, but can't wait until I can get vaccinated.

There were about 50 of us in the meetup, and the skills covered in the session were valuable - especially if exercised early and often.  Most importantly, I may have found a new friend from Manhattan.  Like me, she was laid off after a long career - and we exchanged phone numbers.  Hopefully, the two of us ladies can get together soon and get to know each other better.

- - - - - -

I could talk about missing a phone call with TCL.  But the two of us will catch up on things tomorrow.  I could talk about tomorrow's co-op board meeting.  But I can't talk about any of the substance, so this would be boring.  And I could talk about Vicki and her being too busy to chat.  But we can catch up on things tomorrow.  About the only thing I will mention that my friend Vanessa's skin cancer was successfully removed, and that the plastic surgeon will be monitoring her care until the grafts on her foot have healed.