Exercise

Lately, I've been getting out and about on days where the sun is out and when I'm not working.  I've been trying to build up my time and distance endurance before I decide to do some serious hiking with groups in the region.

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Given that in male mode, I am bald, wearing a wig and going out for a long walk doesn't make any sense.  Without makeup, my face looks masculine, and that's not the image I want to present on the trails.  So I have decided to exercise in male mode.  😢   This is a hard choice for me, but one I needed to make.

Since the quarantine began, I've been out of the house as much as Mario as I have been as Marian.  It's certainly strange to be finding some practicality for my male presentation.  But with a life like mine, I'm used to "strange" by now.  But after one outing as Marian with a little bit of blush on my face, reality hit me in the face.  If I had decided to go all the way and have FFS, plus hair transplants, I'd be out as Marian.  Yet, I'm not uncomfortable as Mario anymore.  I can live in a half and half mode.

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Recently, people have started to go outside to enjoy the outdoors.  Theaters are still closed, restaurants are only open for takeout in New York, and there are few diversions open to the public, save for walking in a local park.  And the local parks have been overrun.  In the case of Croton Dam Park (and its vicinity), the park is overflowing with cars, the road stub which once crossed the dam is packed with cars, and the overflow from that stub led to cars being parked on both sides of the road for a half mile up and down from the road stub.  The county has had to put up signs to tell the public that this overflow parking is prohibited, and that cars will be towed if necessary.  This has caused me to drive further North to enjoy my nature walks.

Virtually all of the walking I have done has been North of me, save for two walks along the Old Croton Aqueduct.  I'll save walks along the aqueduct trail for days I don't have much time to drive to a trail head for walking.  Most of the time, I've driven North to places which are (at least) an hour away from here, such as the Harlem Valley Rail Trail, Walkill Valley Rail Trail, and Dutchess County Rail Trail.  Some of these trails are well maintained, such as the Dutchess trail. And others are poorly maintained, such as the Walkill Valley trail.  I wonder what the O&W Rail Trail will look like when I go there.  However, I will need to make sure to avoid certain sections of it for personal reasons.

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Soon, I expect to see restaurants in the Hudson Valley open up, now that the region is meeting the governor's criteria for reopening the economy.  Once this happens, I'll walk a trail in the Kingston area and visit The Little Bear again.  Hopefully, they will have survived the shutdown, and will again be serving great meals.

I'm Back online again!

The above picture was taken on the Old Croton Aqueduct path.  Considering how many people have been out and about, now that the nice days are here, I usually have to travel far to find nice places to walk and get back into shape.

I've decided to reopen this blog, so that I can continue to journal my life as quarantine is gradually being lifted.  At first, I won't be publishing daily posts, as I don't have that much to say.  In addition, I won't have much to say about either of my two formerly closest friends, now that bridges have been burnt.

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To catch the casual reader of this blog up to date, quarantine has been hell for me, as I've been dealing with grief caused by the loss (not death) of my two closest friends, the death of my father, and the virtual shutdown of my social life due to the quarantine. I won't go into details, save that anger made me a person I didn't like being, and I had to decide to let go of many things so that I could move forward with my life.

Since I don't know if my ex will read this blog or not, let's simply say that before the quarantine, I had a couple of nice dates with a nice woman, but things didn't work out.  Lately, I've had some pleasant calls with other women, and it would be nice to see them after quarantine ends. 

Work at the census bureau has started to return, and I'm still adding money to my bank account.  If all goes right, I'll have saved up enough, that by the end of the year, I can take a Hawaiian cruise.  However, this poses several interesting issues.  I want to take the 3 day land + 7 day sea cruise tour deal, but an ex girlfriend from 23 years ago will be on that cruise with 3 of her girlfriends.  Should I take it and out myself to her first?  Or, should I simply go on the cruise and say nothing?  (I'm assuming that she will not recognize me as Marian.)  I'm gambling both that the net price for this cruise will drop due to cancellations, etc., and that things will open up for cruising in the fall.

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So much I could say, but not the time to collect my thoughts.  More later....



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A recent trip into NYC for dinner.

Scheduling a dinner with a friend is not always the easiest thing to do. The other day, I finally was able to meet Sarah in Chinatown for dinner.  We've met before, and it was nice to see her again.

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As you can tell, Sarah is a bit tall for a woman.  If I'm 5'10" or so, then she stands at least an inch or two above me. We certainly look like "Mutt and Jeff" in this picture, with me being the homely woman.  But that's because I have a lot of fat in the wrong places, and that I have yet to go on hormones.

Trekking into Chinatown is not the easiest thing to do.  This area of NYC is not served well by mass transit, as the subway lines stop about 1/2 mile away from any of the good restaurants. On a weekday, or if the sun was out, I'd consider getting off at the Brooklyn Bridge station on the IRT, then walk the "maze" passing by the city office building, the police headquarters, a church, and the federal courthouse over to Chinatown.  This path becomes desolated at off hours, and at these times, I prefer to walk along Canal Street because there are people on the street at all hours of the day.  At least, I get a mile or two of walking in whenever I go to Chinatown to eat.

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One of the things a person might not expect about the TG community is that not all of us are Liberals.  There are some of us who are much more conservative than I am, and that's because they do not live in a Liberal News bubble.  (I try to read information from both sides of the current political debate, but I draw the line at misleading reactionary opinions coming from the right.)  As much as I despise our current president, I can respect those people who tolerate him for extending the economic recovery, or those people who wanted a monkey wrench thrown into the political system.  I can even respect those people in the hinterlands, the mill towns where the mills have closed, who feel that the urban liberal elites have abandoned them.  But what offends me is willful ignorance, a belief in the propaganda being spewed by the likes of "Fox News" that they echo as if they were the daily orations of 1984's "Big Brother".  The longer I participate in maintaining contact with TG's of all political positions, the more I'm convinced that just as many of us TG's are making the same mistakes that the larger society makes as a whole - the mistakes which cause us to support our political tribes, even when their actions hurt us as individuals.

Why do I mention this?

Sarah and I come from different backgrounds and have different values.  And yet, we are able to have pleasant and intelligent conversations.  We listen to each other, no matter how much noise is in the background (as there was in the Chinese restaurant we ate at the other day.)  All too many of us look at each other as the enemy, and we don't make the effort to be civil any more.  Yes, I am guilty of this when I lay awake, alone in my room.  But in public, I try to make that effort to be as civil as possible - it's the best way of having a chance of helping another person's opinions to change in and of his/her own volition.

Thinking of a Hawaii Cruise that I may have to postpone until late in the year (at best).

15 days of cruising, with an obligatory stop in Mexico to comply with requirements of the Jones Act.  As of December 2019, this was the cruise on top of my list, and I was about to book it when I started getting employment calls from the US Census Bureau.

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Given that it's not easy for an overskilled/underskilled 62 y/o person to find work, do I really want to drain my savings any more than I have to in semi-retirement?  If I had my cruise scheduled for this month (either December 4th or 19th), I'd likely have no problems with starting late. But with the census ramping up for its 1 busy year out or 10, taking a vacation early in the year doesn't make sense if one wants to stay long enough to prove that one is serious about taking steps down in rank to go back to work.

The Hawaii cruise is one that I could easily take presenting as Marian. All but one stop is at an American port, and I wouldn't need to get off the ship in Mexico.  This cruise is generally offered when the ship is not making Alaska runs from late spring to early autumn.  And this cruise will again be offered at the end of the year, when any census related employment would likely be ending.

I'm likely to take long weekend trips while employed, so that I can get that "vacation feeling" again.  Washington, DC is a place I could always go to without problems.  If I end up going there, I'll have the chance to see Meg and her wife again.  That's always a pleasure!

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Vacations are very important to me, as they allow me a break from the mundane, a change of pace that helps to refresh me.  I admit that each time I go out in the world as Marian, that it becomes a refreshing time to me.  But then, isn't this the case for most of us transgender folk?

Up last night exchanging emails

Last night, GFJ and I were exchanging emails.  Both of us were saying the types of things we should have been saying when we were a couple.  Sadly, it was too late for anything, save to figure out a way to be friends - GFJ's big issue was my growth as Marian, and a feeling that being Mario in a romantic relationship wasn't as important.  Too bad that she didn't know Sirena, Stana, Mandy, and Kim - all 4 transgender ladies have found their ways to have traditional relationships while being able to get into their non traditional roles. 

Of the 4 T-Gals I mentioned, only Sirena does not have a web page of her own.  This is probably a wise thing, as I'm not sure of how many people know about her TG identity. So, I won't go much into Sirena's background here.  Most of my readers are likely to have bumped into her on Facebook in transgender and other communities.  (I won't give any more details here - I know what she does for a living, her real name, etc., and don't want to cause her any grief.)  Stana, Mandy, and Kim all have spouses who tolerate their feminine activities. And each have had to work things out with their respective spouses.

So the big question is - can we work things out to have a friendship?  Only time will tell.

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For the most part, I slept the whole day away.  This was not what I should have done.  But without anything to do on my schedule, why shouldn't I stay semi conscious until game night?

Around late afternoon, I received a message from Vicki #2, asking me if I wanted Opera tickets for Saturday.  I'm always up for a good freebie, so I said Yes!  And we arranged to meet for lunch tomorrow as well.  Vicki had a birthday party to go to, and wanted to see that the tickets landed in good hands.  And that they will tomorrow afternoon. Since Vicki #1 didn't respond to my message, I called her and she said she'd come with me.  So we'll be meeting Saturday morning, taking the train into NYC, and enjoying the Opera, thanks to Vicki #2.  (I'll be sure to pay for lunch tomorrow, and then some....)

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There was a prescription waiting for me at the drug store.  So I ended up getting dressed as Mario just to pick it up.  By the time I had changed back into Marian mode, it was a little after 8 pm, and I knew I'd be running a little late to game night.   When I arrived in Yonkers, we had half the usual attendance.  The hostess was already in bed, as she was going down to Weashington, DC for a conference.  However, the rest of us ended up playing a couple of games until 10:30 or so.  Then it was time for me to go home and rest.

Opening the books on a new year

The new year came, and I'm glad that 2019 is now behind me. Having lost two of my best friends, I am now forced to rebuild a social network. I no longer have someone I can call at any time of day when I need someone to talk with.  This is the great loss I want to put behind me once and for all.

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Last night, I made a hard decision.  Do I go to the FTF meetup in New Fairfield?  Or, do I go to a special game night in Yonkers?  After some hemming and hawing, I chose game night. This was the wise decision.  Instead of being in an unfamiliar place where I didn't know anyone that well, I was in a familiar place where I was familiar with everyone. I was closer to my comfort zone, and was able to enjoy myself before driving home around 12:30 or so.

When I got home, I scheduled an email to be sent to GFJ sometime tonight.  The gist of the email is an apology and a goodbye.  I don't expect to hear from her again, so I'm letting her know that I have disconnected from her as well.  It's better that I take the time to process my grief than to dwell in past hopes that never could have been. 

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With the emotional maelstrom I've been dealing with for the past 3 months, I was annoyed to receive an angry email from my former cruise partner.  Thinking about things, there could be only one reason she sent it - she doesn't know how to stop feeding her anger.  After having someone like me to talk with for years, it must hurt to have no one close to confide in.  Couple this with me talking more about her than she really wanted me to talk about her in the old blog, and feelings of betrayal must make things hurt even more.

In the past, this woman told me that she was looking for a "Soul Mate".  I only looked for a "Life Partner".  There are big differences between soul mate and life partner.  Without that "someone" to fill the holes in her life, she will always feel incomplete.  Contrast this with GFJ and myself. Both of us felt reasonably complete in ourselves, wanted to share of ourselves, but didn't need each other to be whole in ourselves. Hopefully, my former cruise partner will discover something which helps her feel more whole in her life.  If so, she may be able to deal with her anger, let it drain away over time, and maybe find some true love in the process....

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I awoke on New Year's Day with nothing special to do, no one special to see.  All my New Year's greetings were exchanged the night before with nothing left over for today.  Although I could always drive down to see my dad, did I want to do so for 15-30 minutes worth of a visit?  Maybe next weekend.  Did I want to go see a movie?  Maybe.  I'd have to think about it.  But to start off my day, I chose to watch my morning TV show and to catch up on my blog reading.

It's gotten to the point where my default presentation for going out in the world is as Marian. Yet, I'm still comfortable going out as Mario. And I'd have stayed that way if GFJ had stayed in the picture.  If I'm doing anything requiring heavy activity, that requires me breaking a sweat, that will likely have me presenting as Mario.  Unless I looked more authentic as Marian, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing things like going on a hike, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. this way. I'll be stuck living life in both genders for now, unless I go for FFS surgery.  And I don't see this happening anytime soon.  (First, I'd want to find out about hair transplants to give me a more normal looking head.)  It'll be more important for me to develop my social network than to move further along this transition path.

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Politics is still the depressing it was last year.  Given how our president's policies have hurt the transgender community, I can only hope that a better person wins on Election Day.  Even if I wanted to work for one candidate this year, being with the census bureau will nip that in the bud.  The only political action I can participate in is to vote on Election Day.  And that's fine with me.  So don't expect me to say much here for the next few months, other than how I see issues framed.  Direct public support of any candidate will likely be against the rules for employees of the bureau.

Like many of us, I've begun to cringe whenever I hear our president speak.  It's hard to watch the news these days, because the underlying tone is much worse than I could have expected 4 years ago.  I'm not alone in thinking that 4 more years of this man in power will be a total disaster. When people other than myself are comparing this man's actions to those of a Central European Leader of the 1930's, it is easy to be frightened.  I fear the ultimate endpoint if we keep going down his path.

As I'm writing this, none of us know what will happen with the presidential impeachment.  It has yet to be delivered to the Senate.  I have a strong feeling that it will never be delivered to the upper chamber.  Why should Pelosi bother giving Trump a chance to say that he has been exonerated?  It's better for her to let him say she's chicken.  The longer the impeachment is in stasis, the more likely it is for the House to find and expose evidence that will hurt the GOP in the next election. Unless the Senate trial allows specific witnesses to be called AND has a secret ballot, the conclusion is a forgone conclusion - the Senate would acquit the president.  Why should she make the Democrats look like fools for being forced into voting yes on articles of impeachment?

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Later this year, I plan to go to a financial planner for a financial checkup.  For the most part, I feel that I am doing reasonably well.  Yet, I could have done better had I had my current wisdom when I was young.  Neither my niece nor my nephew will do as well as I have done. Neither of them has been able to save any money yet, and it will only get worse when they are in a position to raise children.  If there is any advice that should be given to a 20-30 year old person, the advice would be simple - skimp on luxuries and save as much as possible for your future retirement.  The formulas show that if a person saves "X" dollars per year between ages 20 and 30 then stops contributions, that person will have more money than if that person started putting away the same "X" dollars per year from ages 30 to 65.  Sadly, I can't give my younger self this advice.  But I can still advise my niece and nephew to save as much as possible, and explain why to them.

Luckily, I'm in a better position than last year regarding taxes.  I'll have paid all the money I expect to owe the government, and I will have lower estimates for this year.  However, I don't know how much of an income bump I'll have this year due to the temporary job.  Nor do I know what that will force me to pay in estimated taxes one year later.  So I plan to save half the after tax money I make from the temporary job and reserve it for taxes.

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Given that I had nothing to do during the day, I decided to rest in bed.  I won't have this luxury much longer.  But while I do, I'm going to take advantage of it.  If I'm in the mood later on, I'll start tearing apart the corners of my room to figure out where I put things AND to find more stuff amidst all the clutter that I can throw out. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

This morning, I found an email from my former cruise partner saying all sorts of nasty things about me.  To some degree, I can see some reason for short term anger.  But after 2 1/2 months, anger should dissipate - especially when that person is no longer in your life. In this case, it looks like it hasn't dissipated, and that I'm going to be hurt by an angry woman.

The email I received is a postscript to a prior blog entry, so I won't go into it here.  I feel very sad that someone can keep up this anger as long as she has.  But it's my cross to bear.  At least, I still have other friends that I can lean on when I need to do so.

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Seeing this email puts a lot of things into perspective right now.  By totally disconnecting from one woman as a friend, I enabled her to get into a self fueled vicious circle of boiling anger.  And when someone is angry and out of control, they lash out in whatever ways they can.  Often, they try to sabotage others - just to cause their targets pain from sources other than the one commanding the shots be taken.

No one likes seeing themselves in a harsh light.  I am no exception to that truth.  If I had things to do all over again, I would have been a little more discreet about what I wrote in the old blog.  And that blog has come back to haunt me several times lately.  It has already cost me the friendship of someone in New Jersey.  It has cost me the friendship of a former cruise partner.  And it has catalyzed the breakup with GFJ.  Could I be too open about my life (and of others' interactions with me)?  It's possible.

One friend of mine said to me recently that she's glad she didn't meet a former close friend of mine.  She doesn't want to deal with people who could hold onto anger for a long time. And I can't blame her.

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So when I finally got moving for the day, I decided to drive out to Paramus, where I could get a dress regularly selling for $79 for only $18 on clearance.  This was too good to be true.  So I made the drive, tried on the dress, and helped it into the trunk of my car.  (I'll try to get a picture of me in the dress soon.)  Next, I drove over to Catherine's to see if they had an "all in one" body briefer in my size.  Unfortunately, they didn't have it in a size 48.  So I did without.  (You can guess what I'll be looking for in the confines of my apartment before the New Year's Eve parties.)

PS: Lane Bryant corrected their pricing, and marked the same dress $10 higher 24 hours later.  I'm even more glad that I made the drive to Paramus when I did!