Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes....

 

How many of you remember this scene from M*A*S*H?  It is a classic.  The character in the center intends to commit suicide because he has suffered his first ever case of erectile dysfunction.  The song, "Suicide is Painless" has been called "the stupidest song ever written".  Although Robert Altman made only $70,000 for directing M*A*S*H, his son made $1,000,000 for having co-written the song.

Why do I bring up this song?

Recently, I was in a Zoom meeting with some friends, and I start reciting the lyrics to this song. Unfortunately, I touched a raw nerve with one of these friends, as I did not know that her mom had committed suicide. The other friends on the Zoom meeting understood where I was going, and didn't pay it much mind. But I knew that I touched a third rail with this friend.

One of the things I learned years ago from watching George Carlin in Peekskill was that a good comedian's banter may offend some people unintentionally.  I had done just that in my Zoom meeting.  Although I was able to recover and apologize, I now know this person's sore point from which she has never recovered.  Given the other things I know about her, I can understand how she has lived her life without falling in love with (or being loved by) someone nice.

As much as I can bitch and moan about things, I can still consider myself lucky.  Both of my parents died of "typical" causes (Mom from heart disease, and Dad from the Coronavirus), and not "unnatural" causes (such as a car accident or suicide).  My wife died of cancer.  Had she lived, I don't know if I could have taken the chance on going out in this world as Marian.

Listen, I'd like to know a secret.

 

Yesterday, I was presented with a mystery that I haven't yet solved.  Someone left a box containing this plate in front of my door.  But I have absolutely no clue as to who dropped this plate at my door. 

Could this plate have been given to me by my secret pen pal from my "Ambles" group? If so, why didn't she/he have identified herself/himself as "Your Secret Pen Pal" and left me a card telling me that this is a gift to me?  (I've mentioned my love for trains in the past, and this gift could have come from a member of our "Secret Pen Pal" group.) As much as this is a possibility, it breaks the rules of our group.  We are not supposed to be giving each other a gift of value - even though these collectors plates have little resale value.  So, I've ruled out my secret pen pal for now.

The next person I thought of is someone who I doubt would give me the time of day, much less a "collector's place."  My most recent ex-girlfriend is emptying out a house in preparation to move into smaller living quarters.  We have not been in contact since summer, and I see no reason why she'd bother to risk seeing me to drop this off.  In addition, without a note to say who gifted me this plate, this couldn't be a peace offering which would tell me that she'd like to bury the hatchet.  (Last we were in contact, I'm sure that she'd prefer to bury the hatchet in my back. So assuming that this gift was from her doesn't make sense.)

The last person that I thought might have dropped this plate off is my former cruise partner.  She has even less interest in renewing a friendship, nor would she have collected plates with a railroading theme.  Given that we likely would have strangled each other if we were in the same place again, I think that she is also someone who should be ruled out for having put this plate in front of my door.

If the person who gave me this gift reads this blog, I want to say thank you.  But I wish you would let me know who you are, just to know whether you want to attempt to be friends again.

 

Was it an accident?

 

Like many of my readers, I use Google Voice for both texting and for making phone calls from selected devices. But, for the most part, I use it as a pass through service, so that my friends can call me and not need to know whether I am picking up on my land line or cell phone.  So, I was very surprised to find out that someone had dialed my number.

A while back, I had a nasty separation from a friend who was once close to me, as if she was a sister.  Sadly, due to circumstances I won't mention again, we haven't been in contact for over a year.  So I was very surprised to see the following missed call in Google Voice:

(Name Hidden for Privacy)
Missed Call
Fri, Nov 6, 2020, 9:11 PM

Although I seriously doubt that she'd want to call me after a year of being out of contact, I figure that I'd take the opportunity to send her a birthday card and to remove her from my blocked caller list.  

Will she call back, or try to contact me via other means?  Who knows.  But I will be extremely careful if she wants to rebuild a friendship.  She very well could have been a catalyst in my ex-girlfriend's decision to break up with me.  And if so, I don't want her in a position to cause me any more problems.

 

How do I maintain my schedule?

 

At this point, I'd like to keep my readers up to date on what's going on in my dating life.  For the most part, I've been seeing two ladies, and have had a hard time making a decision between the two.  The woman known as MH has largely gone by the wayside, as I think she has made enough excuses to signal that I am not dating material.  But that's OK, as I couldn't juggle schedules enough to see more than two women on a regular basis.  Yet, this doesn't mean that I won't consider seeing a new woman.

Before I met my last girlfriend, I stumbled into one of the women who I regularly met in a women's meetup group on OK Cupid.  Recently, she swiped right on my ad where I'm in a masculine presentation.  So I responded to her.  If she were to be interested in me, I'd have to reveal myself quickly. But this person is not someone I'm really interested in meeting right now.

Recently, I swiped right on a retired woman lawyer's ad who lives Manhattan.  She seems like a person who would normally be out of my league.  But we'll see what happens when I see her this week.  As much as I don't need more complications in my life, I figure that I should see what chemistry could exist between us before I make the hard decision choosing between FL and FH.

You'll note that I haven't written too much about these two ladies.  Both know about me going out in the world as Marian.  But FH has yet to encounter my feminine presentation in person.  Given that she lives with an adult daughter, I'm not sure how much of an emotional risk she's willing to take.  FL, on the other hand, seems to be willing to take a risk.  However, she is juggling too many things in her life, and I can't be sure that there will be room for me as things settle down.  

I'll keep my readers informed as things develop....

 

 

 

 

.

Quick - Find me a 5th Grader!

 

The older I get, the more I find people who are totally uncomfortable with technology. It never ceases to amaze me how well the old joke fits with these people:

"It's so easy, that a 5th grader could understand it.  Quick - Find me a 5th grader!"

And yes,what comes naturally to me is so awfully impossible for some people....

- - - - - -

The other day, one of the two women I've been dating wants to buy a computer to do her work remotely.  So we run over to the local Micro Center to pick up a new computer, and then install it.  Everything is running well until we have to set up the computer on the home network - and then things go sour.  She has left all the technology decisions to her daughter, and her daughter is nowhere around to tell us the password/passphrase used to authenticate us on the home router. As a result, we can't complete setting up the computer.

Last night, she tries to reach me while I'm at work, to figure out how to connect the software she needs to perform her business tasks. Not only is she having a hard time installing the Chrome browser, but she is having conflicts due to Microsoft trying to force her to use its Edge browser and cloud services as part of the standard Windows-10 setup.  So I agree to drive down after work to help her get her software running - and this means that I will need to do a quick change from female to male presentation before going to see her.

I'll bet that whatever problem I find will be relatively simple for me to fix.  And I'll bet that she gets in the way of me fixing it, as she will be nervous due to not understanding what's going on.  If I can't fix it, I'll let her know.  But it's likely an easy problem to resolve, and I feel confident that I can get her up and running before she works with her first client.

.

 

 

 

 

 

Aftermath of an election.

 

By the time you read this entry, the presidential election will have ended for us in New York State. We are lucky to be a state where the results will likely not be contested, as I'd hate for us to have our own version of Florida's screwed up 2000 election.  This doesn't mean that the election will be over for this country.  I expect that GOP operatives will contest the vote in most of the "Battleground States", and that we'll have a daily dose of agita from upsetting news being reported about these states' elections.

The final results of this election will affect our community. If Trump/Pence is declared the winner, I expect a full assault on the rights of the LGBTIQ community.  At first, malevolent actions at the Federal level may not affect us in the "Blue States". However, as court cases are brought to the Supreme Court, we may see Federal cases affect rights recognized at the State level.  Since Abortion is the most visible target, I expect that we will be the first target the social conservatives plan to aim for.  Transgender people will likely be at the top of the list, as many of us are relatively easy to spot, given years of "testosterone poisoning".  Even with plastic surgery to make our bodies look more feminine, our bone structure will often give us away.  Once we have lost our rights, I expect that they will go after the gay/lesbian community. Although gays/lesbians can hide in the woodwork, they will not be able to play the "don't ask / don't tell" game for long.  Only after the LGBTIQ community has lost its rights will the "conservatives" go after women as a whole, first going after a woman's right to control her own body, and then taking away many of the rights women have gained in the past 100 years. If you don't think this can happen, look at what happened in Qatar when a dead baby was found in their airport's women's room - at least 10 women were held for a forced "medical" exam to verify that none of these women was the mother of the abandoned corpse. Hardly any coverage of this took place in the mainstream press.  Could you imagine how you'd feel if it was your daughter that had to go through this humiliating process?  Of course, our current president had nothing to say about this event.

I expect that this will be a heatedly contested election.  We've already seen groups of Trump supporters in their trucks blocking people on line (in California) from getting to their polling place.  Since this is a district which tends to support Republicans, they are likely harming their own cause. Although both sides perceive threats to their ways of life, it seems like Trump's supporters have more to lose emotionally.  I find it interesting that these people are flying the biggest flags, performing the most annoying stunts (such as blocking the Westbound Tappan Zee Bridge), and doing the most dangerous things (such as running their powerboats in an unsafe manner, causing some to capsize in the wake of bigger boats) - all to gain the attention of people who might otherwise ignore their feelings.  They bask in the reflected glow of their "fearless" leader.  And they fear that they may have been duped by this con man.  So they shout "look at me, I have something important to say too" - even when they have nothing worthwhile to say.  It reminds me of the old Jerry Springer show, where an inarticulate person is bested by someone more articulate (not saying much about either person, given the show) and gives up saying "whatever." Unfortunately, Trump supporters will not go quietly into the night the way Springer's guests often went.

Hopefully, we will have a peaceful transfer of power in January.  If not, I feel sorry for our country.  I plan to make sure that I know how to use firearms just in case....

 

 

 

 

 

Friendships

 

One of the problems of the pandemic is that it is much harder to socialize, much less meet with people in a social setting.  Yes, Zoom Meetings do help.  But they are no substitute for in-person get-togethers where people mingle with each other and have one on one conversations while participating in the group meeting.

All of my in-person meetup groups have suspended their in-person meetings until the worst of the pandemic is over. A couple of groups have met virtually. But it's hard to get excited these days about seeing images of 5-10 people on a screen and having to "fight" for conversation space.  (I can only imagine how it went with the group I was blackballed from by my ex, but that's another story.) Yet, I still get excited when I can meet people in person - and hope that the weather stays mild enough for a long while, so that these people feel comfortable in getting together for lunch or dinner.

One of these people I've met in person is a woman from my Thursday Night Gaming group.  The pandemic has kept us from meeting, save for 3 in-person outdoor meetings on the front lawn of the host and hostess of our weekly gatherings. Yet, the two of us have met for outdoor lunches, and for walks along the rail trail.  Given how the two of us talk, she sees me as another female, and this is fine with me.  (I wonder how she'd react if she were to meet me as a male.  Could she deal with my bi-gendered nature?  It's not worth the risk to a friendship to find out.)  Hopefully, we'll develop a deeper friendship over time.  She's the type of person I'd want as a friend - sane, sober, and level headed.

Another person I'd like to develop a closer friendship with is a woman I met via OK Cupid.  She had just started to get intimate with a nice man, but found my profile interesting enough to want to get to know me.  (She lives near Kingston, NY, and has encountered my ex in a professional setting.)  So far, we have gotten together a couple of times, and we are looking to get together again next week for both lunch and another rail trail walk.  

Now that the winter is coming on, and people much more reluctant to meet in person, I'm hoping that the network of friendships/acquaintances I've been able to develop will help keep me sane during the pandemic related hibernation we will soon endure.  And I hope that my readers will also be able to get through the next few months without going bonkers....

 

Good Luck!

The end is near (or has come, by the time you read this).

 

The 2020 US Census.  There has been a lot of controversy surrounding this census both due to the pandemic and to the political leadership in charge of it.  I do not plan to discuss the politics of the census, as it has been covered much better elsewhere.  Instead, I will discuss my feelings about the census and the people I've met while working there.

 

When I first was in contact with the census bureau, I was up for two jobs.  One was an assistant manager position in charge of resolving technology related issues.  The other was for a clerical position, a position whose main responsibility was to recruit enumerators to do the decennial head count.  The former position was one I'd have done in my male presentation, as that could be a way for me to reenter the world of technology.  The latter position was the one I took, a position which I was allowed to come to work as a female.

 

Although its obvious that I am a transgender person, I was always treated with respect. And I earned the respect of many people there, as I was one of the go-to people to whom questions were posed to get problems resolved.  I enjoyed resolving problems with common sense solutions.  Recruitment was another issue - I hated reading off the awkward script provided us to use, especially when redundant questions were asked of the potential employees. However, recruiting helped me a great deal - it taught me what I needed to do to keep my voice sounding somewhat feminine over the course of a long day.

 

One of the first people I met was a woman whose own son is transgender. It was she who gave me the confidence to go to work presenting as female for the first time. And I'll always be grateful to her for the information that allowed me to be my authentic self at work. Next, was a woman whose goal was to work two or three months, earn a few dollars, and then start travels across the country in an RV with her husband, staying away from home for months at a time. Sadly, the pandemic put a hold on that dream. When people returned to the office after the 6 week pandemic break, both of these women were no longer coming to the office.  However, new people started coming in, including a woman who was born in Brazil.  She's a person who I'll likely be in contact with long after the census, as she is a very interesting person. Later on, we hired a woman from Mount Vernon, someone who could be a traveling partner if I were to go to the right cities.

 

Some people there are a little bit strange.  There is one man who seems to carry everything he owns in his car. In a way, he reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who started doing this after her separation from her ex-husband. Another person had a voice like a foghorn. Although she is a good person, her style rubbed a few people the wrong way.  Many people appreciated the peace and quiet in the office when she was not around.  There were two men with whom I could have serious intellectual conversations, and I wish there was a good way to keep in contact with them.   

 

As I write this, we've started the shut down process for the office.  Through a good part of the day, I was destroying messenger bags that enumerators carried while going door to door on their assignments.  It's a shame that we are doing this, but the census needs to make sure that no one has the tools to impersonate a legitimate employee.  Much of the printed paperwork unique to the 2020 census will be sent out to be destroyed. And other items will be given to other government entities.  It's only a matter of time before the office door is locked for good.

 

I'll miss this place.  It helped keep me sane during the worst part of the pandemic, and distracted me when I dwelled too much in thoughts of my ex-girlfriend.  The people were all decent people, and for the most part, I'd be glad to work with most of them again.

 

 

 

I don't think I'll be cruising alone for a while.

 

The above is the itinerary of the last cruise I took with my former cruise partner.  Almost everything about cruising will have changed by the time I take my next cruise due to the pandemic. Until they address the needs of solo travelers on cruises, I guess I won't be going on a cruise anytime soon.

This cruise was a disaster because of the problems my cruise partner and I had.  She had broken up with her boyfriend and I was ambivalent about taking this cruise.  If I had to do it all over again, I'd have passed on this cruise and spent my money on a trip to Washington, DC. At least, I'd have had an enjoyable trip and have had one more friend I could talk to during the worst of the pandemic.

Recently, one of the ladies I've been dating scheduled us for a cruise to Bermuda sometime next year.  Although she may have been jumping the gun a little, it is early enough for her to get her entire deposit back if things go sour between us before then.  Yet, it will be a strange cruise for me.  First, it'll be a cruise where I'll have to present as Mario for several days.  Second, it'll be a cruise with the new pandemic protocols - things I don't like, but would live with to cruise again with a partner. For example, the embarkation/debarkation routines will be much more rigid, so that people can be socially distanced while getting on/off the ship. Once on the ship, social distancing will be enforced. And there will likely be no sharing of tables between multiple groups/individuals.  One of the things I liked most about cruising was the opportunity to meet new people. That will be much harder to do when the cruise line is trying to keep people apart for health reasons. At least, I'll have a travel partner for this upcoming cruise, someone I can talk with while enjoying the cruise.

When I am alone on a cruise, I like to chat up people I meet while dining. Sometimes, I'll go to the bar to have a drink, and meet people there. One of my pen pals is a woman I met on a solo cruise, and I never would have met her while pandemic health protocols are being enforced.  From what I've read, the lounge chairs at pool side will be limited, and one may need to schedule time to be in the pools.  I can only imagine whether the ships will limit people in the hot tubs as well.  It will not be as much fun to be on a cruise as it was before the pandemic.

There is a phrase which is almost always true in any situation:

This Too Shall Pass.

And I'm hoping that by the time I turn 65, that we will have returned to a new normal, and that most of the pandemic protocols can finally be relaxed because they are no longer needed.  We can only home, and work towards that goal....

 

It was a long day for me....

 

Today was a busy day for me. It was the last 8 hour day at the census.  It was a short visit with the folks from my Thursday night gaming sessions.  And it was dinner with Vicki.  By the time I got home, I was totally exhausted and unable to pay any attention to a book I was trying to read, or to the TV on in the background.

Starting off the day, I woke up before the alarm clock and proceeded to get ready for work.  This would be the last day I officially had to be on site by 7:00 am, and I knew I'd be exhausted all day. As usual, I arrived at the office a few minutes late (don't tell my boss), and proceeded to surf the web all day.

After a quick attempt at napping, I drove to Yonkers to see my game night friends for what be my only chance to see them until next spring. The visit was way too short, and if I didn't have dinner scheduled with Vicki, I'd have stayed until the sun went down. But 6:00 came way too soon, and dinner was scheduled for 7:30 in Mahopac.

Picking Vicki up around 7:00, we got to dinner on time.  However, it was a blessing that the restaurant wouldn't allow us to open the bottle of wine Vicki brought with her.  We chatted about many things over dinner, not discussing the elephant in the room: What do I do with FH and FL? How do I sort things out?  So, on the ride home, we finally chatted about that.

When we got to Vicki's house, we chatted about relationships, and I learned something about her and about myself.  Vicki has strong feelings about my ex-girlfriend, and tends to get into a lecturing session if the ex comes up.  I only wanted to reference her in context of the other two ladies, and it triggered something in Vicki.  But Vicki mentioned something in passing about someone we once knew - the fellow who introduced us said I was cheap, and the ex mentioned that in her "nastygram" to me on my birthday.  

Am I cheap?  Frugal yes, but I don't think excessively cheap.  I only wish I had a person who knew me well enough to give me honest and objective feedback.

 

A talk about adult toys

 

Today's discussion will be relatively quick.  No, I'm not going to perform a review of female adult toys. With my current plumbing arrangement, I couldn't even begin to make a reasonable evaluation of said toys. But I can talk about a discussion which recently took place between me and three other ladies in regard to such toys.

As I've written before, I am a regular participant in a Zoom Meetup with a Texas based group.  They know me only as Marian, and treat me as a female.  So it was a pleasant surprise when I was included in a conversation about vibrators. And this review of a vibrator from Tracy's Dog had me laughing and made me wish even more that I was born with the "alternate plumbing configuration."  One of the ladies in this chat said that several of her friends own the vibrator and can testify to its value in inducing orgasms.  So I submit this link, so that my readers can buy something similar as a gift for their girlfriends.

 

Even when things go wonderfully right, they go wrong

 

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to compose a letter I want to send to someone who once was special to me.  Inside this letter, I mention something important - if we ended a romance when we should have, I'd be asking my closest friend for important advice instead of feeling sad about a friendship that ended poorly.

Why do I mention this?

This weekend, I had dates with two ladies. Both of them are interested in me. Both would be good choices for me.  Both know about me in my masculine and feminine presentations.  And I was reminded of this joke:

Shortly after Utah statehood, a young Mormon man was in love with his two prospective brides, Katherine and Edith, and wanted to marry them both.  However, he was not aware of the most recent revelation coming from the church in Salt Lake City when he brought his two fiancees to the local LDS church to be married to him.

He approached the minister of his church and asked him to perform the marriage ceremony.  The minister said that he couldn't perform the dual ceremony. And the young man asked the minister

"Why?"

The minister replied:

"Son, you should know that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Yes, this is a corny joke, but it illustrates the dilemma I now have.  On one date, I ended up in a very heavy petting session, where if we had been at either of our apartments, we'd have been going at it like rabbits.  On the other date, we were about to break up, as she found my Marian Mode personal ad and was upset at me - but wanted to stay friends. This would have solved my dilemma of having one too many girl friends.  However, we went back to her apartment, where I showed the physical connection that this woman was looking for. So we ended up chatting, and not breaking up after all

As I said, either woman would be a very good choice for me.  But I can't have them both - none of us are polyamorous. If my dad were alive, he'd tell me what I could do without providing me a solution to my problem. Sadly, I no longer have him to ask for advice.  And this is a time I really wish I could ask him for urgently needed advice.  How do I figure out which one is best for me?

.

Things are warming up

 

It was a day off from the census, and I decided to accompany FL to see a house she was thinking of renting on the Jersey shore.  There is a big difference between driving 90 minutes through the Hudson Valley to see my ex girlfriend and 120 minutes driving through New Jersey to reach FL.  And I know that this will become a factor in the relationship as it develops....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have to think of how I will extricate myself from FH.  She's a nice woman, but I don't think I want to deal with the headaches of a girlfriend who can't drive and won't use mass transit in the age of COVID-19.  Yes, she's willing to spend $70+ on an Uber to get to Westchester.  But I don't like the idea of driving to the Catskills, then drive her back to Long Island.  Something bothers me, and it's related to the inconveniences of dating someone who has limited transit mobility at a time mass transit poses an infection risk.

In regard to FL, the drive to Brick and back was a way of seeing whether FL could be comfortable with me in Marian Mode.  Even though there was no hanky-panky, she was comfortable putting her hand in mine and laying it on my skirted leg.  This is a very positive sign.  Yes, the first time we get intimate, I'll be dressed as Mario. But she has no objection for me to be dressed as Marian.  

In many ways, my ex may have done me a favor by breaking up with me.  FL is making an effort to be comfortable with me both as Marian and as Mario.  I only wonder - is there something I should be concerned about that I'm not sensing?

 

 

Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.

As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended.  Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was.  Others wanted to change me into something they wanted.  And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship.  In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.

- - - - - -

In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before.  Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before.  But I am much more comfortable with them now.  Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.

Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with.  The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore.  The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person.  And that's a shame for both of us.

Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out.  One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing.  Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own.  And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made?  If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with.  There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.

When I was married, I never had to worry about this.  I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made.  So she always had some input in the form of advice.  Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis.  But I can't and won't live in the past.

Do I wish I still had someone special to care for?  Yes.  But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by.  Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....

White Post Farms

Aren't these the cutest looking critters?  If they could be domesticated as house pets, they'd be a rival to cats and dogs.  But I digress.  Today, I'm writing about a weekend I had with the lady from Forest Hills and her daughter.

- - - - - -

I was supposed to order the tickets for this weekend event Thursday evening.  Due to a personal screw-up (which I'll blame on my own ambivalence about going further with this relationship), I couldn't get the 1:30 pm tickets for Sunday afternoon that I planned to buy.  Instead, I ended up buying tickets for 3:00 pm, and doing a big Mea Culpa for my screw-up.

Sunday came, and I drove to FH's place, picking up her and her daughter.  FH is a middle aged lady, while her daughter is a young adult whose voice makes her sound like a teenager.  (The daughter still has a lot of growing up to do, and I'm confident in her ability to make young adult mistakes and recover from them.)  So we drove to the McDonald's in New Hyde Park, where they saw one of the fanciest looking fast food joints they will ever visit.

Wouldn't you agree with me about this McDonald's?  When the town had its dispute with McDonald's regarding the potential tear down of the building, both sides came to an agreement to preserve it.  (Note: My mom was interviewed by a local TV station about this building and McDonald's.)  As much as I'd have like to have seen a full historic restoration of the building, I am happy to see it returned to life - even if it is a McDonald's.

We reached White Post Farms around 3 pm, and proceeded to go inside.  This is an experience best enjoyed by a (Grand)parent and younger children.  But we had fun there, in spite of the 80+ degree weather.  (Who'd have thought it'd be this warm at the end of September?) 

As you can see, this place has animals that the average suburban child will not see outside a traditional zoo.  And they can get up close to many, as a good number of these animals would be perfect in a typical petting zoo. 

It was really nice to see FH's daughter enjoying herself at the farm.  Hopefully, if we were to go there again, the weather will be a little bit more comfortable - I felt way too warm, even in a short sleeve shirt.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, I go back to Marian mode.  It'll be nice to get back into a comfortable dress again!

A highlight of the week

It's been a while since I went to a meetup with the Fun Time Friends.  But this week, I finally was able to go.  And the headache of getting there was worth it....

Normally, I try to set a distance limit for meetups that I only drive an hour or so to get to a meetup.  However, once I reached Connecticut, traffic stopped moving. And what should have been a 70 minute trip became a 100 minute trip.  Since it was too late for me to cancel dinner with the group, I texted the hostess to let her know I was going to be late.  Although I was about 30 minutes late, this was not a problem, as people were still arriving for Milford's Restaurant Week dinners....

Unfortunately, I was not able to sit at the hostess's table.  But I can't complain, as I was able to sit with the great group of ladies in the picture above.  It was nice to feel acceptance as Marian again. People who do not know me treat me as an oversized lady.

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On the way home, I chatted with FL.  She's been dealing with a low grade bug for most of the week, and she had to cancel getting together on Saturday.  This is not a problem, as I am usually sleep deprived at the end of the week, and I need rest.

There's a part of me that can't wait for my census job to end.  As much as I can use the money from the job, I'm tired of this schedule. As much as I'm tired of the schedule, I'll both miss having a reason to get up in the morning AND having a place with good people who I meet on a regular basis.  When the census finally ends, I'll be able to do things with FL during the week - a benefit to having the census end.  My big question is - Is FL too good to be real?  She's making an effort to enjoy me in Marian mode, and liked the thought of going away with me in Marian mode.  Is she trying too hard to have a relationship?  If so, why?  It seems like there should be a red flag somewhere....

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Not much else to say.  More next time.

It's been an interesting weekend - and it began on a Thursday!

At the beginning of this weekend, I wasn't sure of how things would go.  There's a part of me that is very uncomfortable with the risk of letting FH go, so I can pursue a relationship with FL.  I still have to figure out where I stand with MH.  And, I have to keep my head clear for the last days of employment at the census.  So, I have a lot on my mind these days.

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On Thursday, I had a day off, and I took the opportunity to go for a walk with another woman who answered my personal ad in female presentation.  We had a nice afternoon together, and I found out that it is a very small world after all - she had done business with my ex-girlfriend before selling her old house, she exercised in the same building where my ex has her office, and she previously lived down the road from my ex.  When I asked her what she thought of my ex, she put her finger to her head and started twirling it.  This made my day, and I had yet to attend my Zoom meeting in the evening.  By the time we turned back to the parking lot, we were almost in Stone Ridge - and I was glad NOT to be too close to my ex's office.

I rushed home so that I could talk to several people, and yet have time to attend the Zoom meetup.  By the time I got in to the meeting, the host and hostess was about to leave, and control was being passed to my pen pal in Texas.  It was then I found out that the ex husband of one of the ladies had been sentenced to 3 life terms - he'll likely be "Bubba's Special Friend" before long.  Another of the ladies is in dire financial straits, and will need a quick influx of money to keep her in her home.  It's gotten me to the point where I may anonymously send her a few dollars to help her out.

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Friday came, and I was sleep deprived.  It was all I could do to stay awake at work. I was hoping to be able to hide myself away.  But I got stuck answering phone calls.  Most were from enumerators involving their work.  And I brushed off a news reporter, as we are not allowed to have the reporter come to our office, and we are not allowed to give interviews.  He was unhappy with how I treated him, but that's his problem and not mine. I was just doing my job.  Later on in the day, I made arrangements to see Vicki at a Sushi restaurant in Yorktown, and we had a nice night of it.  She liked how a dress looked on me, and I was glad that she suggested that I buy it.

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Saturday was another sleep deprived day at the office, and I had nothing to do.  So I surfed the web for the better part of my shift.  I scheduled a 6:30 dinner with FL, and we were at a restaurant in Briarcliff Manor until 10:30 or so.  Hopefully, things will keep going well for us, as she seems to be a keeper.  (And, NO!, I don't expect her to bob for cans of Foster's Lager from an ice bucket....)

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Sunday, I finally had enough sleep. When I arrived, I showed her my "Pregnant Phone", to explain the problem I had in talking with her the other night.  (Hopefully, I'll get the battery replacement from California by Thursday/Friday, so that I can have a fixed phone over the following weekend.) Then, FH and I went to Manhattan to walk around Greenwich Village.  .

It's been a while since I've driven on the LIE to the BQE, and then across the Williamsburg bridge.  So I was taken by how many things have changed since I was last on these streets.  Eventually, we found parking in the West Village, and we walked over to Washington Square.  Next, it was off to find a restaurant - and we ate at a small Indian joint which was doing its best to stay open with pandemic restrictions.  (I don't think t will survive the winter.  Hopefully, I'll be wrong about this.) At lunch, FH floated the idea of taking a trip to Amish country.  Although I said yes to the idea, I'm really not sure if I want to do so, as I don't know how far I should go with this relationship now.  Once done with lunch, it was back to Washington Square to enjoy people watching, and then to drive home.

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In the end, I will have to thank my ex girlfriend for setting me free.  Several of the women I've met after our breakup have only seen me in Marian mode and are very comfortable being with me this way. FL is comfortable with the idea of going to meetups this way and would consider a Hawaii cruise with me presenting as Marian.  Would FH be comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  who knows? 

Since I mentioned my ex several times lately, I have to mention that she is still avoiding meetups where I'm present as Marian.  She has a habit of posting a message, saying that she was sorry she couldn't make it, but had other plans.  I can only imagine what would happen if she slips up and sees me (as Marian) with one of the ladies I've been seeing.  Luckily, I'm in no hurry to see this happen in real life, as the last person I want to see is my ex.  That's one of the few things we can agree on these days.

There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

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This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

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Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

It'll be sad when the census ends

 

This has been the first real job that Ive been able to work as Marian.  And sadly, it will soon end.  Whether it ends at the end of September, as the Trump administration wants, or at the end of October as originally scheduled, it doesn't matter - this gig will soon end.

I took this job knowing that it was a short term gig.  It paid well. But there is nothing much left for me to do except pack up my belongings and take my leave.  Yet, I've made a few friends here, and I hope to get together with them in the future.