Is it me?

 

A while back, an acquaintance of mine wondered why s/he was being avoided at gatherings. I tried to be tactful and shift the focus to other problems.  But the problem was mostly with this person.  S/he was loud, yet had little to say that interested people. This person focused on one of his/her traits as an explanation for half of the group avoiding this person.  But I didn't have the heart to explain things, or the energy to illustrate the nature of the problem.

- - - - - -

Several years ago, I attended one session of a women's group being formed.  Another woman (let's call her J for now) asked me for help with her group, then backed away very quickly when she found out I was transgender.  Over time, I have become open about my transgender nature, but was afraid to do so when I first started going out and about in the world.  So some people accepted me for the person I was, and others shunned me - like the person mentioned above.

When I had my dispute with my ex, the ex made sure that J had all the details (supporting the ex's point of view) to make her keep me out of the group.  Yet, she didn't expel me from the meetup list - she just wouldn't admit me to meetings.  J came into one of my groups, then said a few things to the ex as if I were making a big deal about being excluded.  (That is a great distortion.  But with a clique, distortions go far in keeping someone out.)  Eventually, the ex claimed that it was me who caused the former leader of the group (let's call her S for now) to quit leadership of the group.  Let's chalk the ex's statement up to being angry at me for wanting to join one of "her" meetups as if the ex owned them.  Yet, I'll give J some credit for her part in this affair - she was eventually willing to tell me how she felt, instead of being mute.

Later on in our dispute, the ex was making a big deal about me entering the secondary groups which were formed by members of the first group and made sure that the new leader of the group (let's call her L for now) kicked Marian out, but not Mario.  That was OK, as I wasn't immediately planning on going to the ex's favorite group until any romantic feelings I once had for the ex were gone.  For some unknown reason, Mario was later kicked out of the group without causing any trouble in the group or even visiting the group.  That was the catalyst that cause me to contact the ex, as she once said that I could go to the group as Mario.  Yet, in a way, I may have been lucky NOT to be able to go - for reasons I was thinking about the other day.

After I contacted the ex, I asked her if she asked L to exclude me.  The ex claimed she didn't, but the sudden unexplained exclusion didn't make sense to me (or others in my circle).  The ex made a big deal about showing me proof that she didn't ask L to kick me out.  I wonder if L was only trying to protect the ex from her feelings if I were to go there once as Mario.  Why didn't L have the courtesy to respond to my question of her?  I have more respect for J who would state what her feelings were, than for L who didn't. 

Recently, I had a conversation with Vicki, and we discussed intimacy in friendships vs. intimacy in romance.  The two are different things.  Both of us recognized the need for an occasional argument in the romance, as that forces things to the surface which might be suppressed for too long.  My friend DCD argues way too much with his girlfriend - almost every night.  I never argued with the ex until after we broke up.  DCD and his girlfriend had the flip side of my problem with the ex - poor communication without judgement, negotiation, or compromise.

- - - - - -

But back to the first person I mentioned....

During the worst of the pandemic, I received one contact from this person - and s/he had nothing to say.  When I wanted to mention the background of my problem with the ex, s/he had already taken the side of the ex before the call.  Was I ever really his/her friend?  Next time, if asked, I will answer this question ("Is it me?") directly but tactfully, and maybe help the person who asks it.

That leads me to the nature of the meetup group that was the focus of all the problems.  It was for Over 50's who are single.  Might the group be a self selecting group of people who have intimacy issues? (I have edited out my musings on intimacy for brevity.) If so, I might have been lucky to be excluded, as most of the group's regulars may either not know what real intimacy is, or not want it anymore.

As for the question of the day....  Yes, it could be me.  And I know what the "It" is, unlike the first person I mentioned.  For that, I am lucky.

 

 

 

 

PS: I do not check meetups to see if my ex is part of them, or whether she is going to anything I am interested in.  The one time I stumbled into her registration for an event was a fluke.  I wonder what will happen when we finally stumble into each other, as the odds would suggest. 

PPS: The first person I was writing about even writes loudly.  If you were to see an email from this person, you'd understand what I mean....

Things are starting to open up again - somewhere.

 

Last night, I found that my friends in Texas were about to have their first in-person meeting in a while.  Sadly, this means that our Zoom Meetups will likely be ending soon.  That saddens me, as I see this happening in New York as well, and I've been blackballed from a group that I would have liked to attend in either of my modes.  Such is life.

Eventually, other venues will open up as well.  I can't dwell on the past, as it is long gone.  There are things that I'd do differently if I had the chance to do a "redo" on 2020.   But that's not realistic.  When I asked a question of the ex, "what would she do differently?", she avoided answering the question.  I can only infer only one thing from her actions of last year: she didn't want to deal with me in either presentation at a meetup group), and didn't care about how she accomplished this.  She could have gotten what she really wanted with less pain had she been willing to communicatet and negotiate, but that' didn't happen.  Her "nastygram" on the morning of my birthday showed her real self -  someone who doesn't worry about the degree of pain she inflicts on others when she's pursuing a goal of her own.  (I know she will think differently from me on this.  Last year's dispute was proof that she wanted me as far away from her group(s) as possible and didn't care how she'd keep me away.)

But enough about the ex.  I've given her way too much headspace lately. There are other, more important things I'm concerned with right now - such as getting vaccinated against Covid-19.  Now that things have opened up even more, I figure that I'll try to score an earlier appointment than what I have now.  I want to be "fully protected" before summer comes.  Of course, I have taxes to file, and it looks like last year's withholding game plan worked - over withhold by 10%, and that should cover progressive taxes on income from sources other than the census.  So I'll do the same for this years income from the new job, and withhold taxes with the assumption that I'll be there until year end.

I still have a big vacation to plan.  However, to take it means that I will likely have to leave my job, or accept unpaid time off.  (I'd accept the latter option if I could get it.)  You'll note that I've made the assumption that I'll remain on this job until then.   But any job I can joke about in the way I do is likely to be too mind numbing to stay there too long.  I need something that occupies my mind, and only so much vacation planning can be done in my head at work.

At least one good thing has happened so far due to the loosening of pandemic restrictions. I have been able to schedule a get together with the new friend I made at the Zoom Meetup the other day.  She only knows me as Marian, and that's how I intend to keep it for now.

 

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again.

 

It's strange.  Now that things are opening up again, I'm not really sure that I want to bother with most meetups anymore.  I think that last year's scuffle with the ex made me feel this way.

- - - - - -

The thing that 2020 taught me was that most people aren't worth knowing.  WDJ only cared about me when there was a little bit of gossip that I could share with her.  Once I had problems with the ex, she took the side of the ex - and that ended what friendship we had.  Luckily, I was never that close to WDJ, nor did I consider her someone worth staying in contact with during the worst of the pandemic.

Unfortunately, my feelings about the pandemic, the ex and our overlapping circle of acquaintances discourages me from wanting to resume connections with these people. I simply don't feel I'd enjoy getting together with them anymore - I'm looking to build better friendships than I've been able to build with the folks from these groups.  Sometimes, I ask - is it me?  But I think it's something different - if one is a square peg, the round hole won't accept you.

- - - - - -

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again, but that's the way I feel.  I lost way too much just before and during the pandemic to want to revisit people and places that once brought me happiness.  Instead, I want to find people, places, and things which have much more meaning to me.  For example, it'd be nice if I could build a new friendship with the ex.  No, I don't want romance - that involves communication, negotiation, and compromise: three things we couldn't do with each other that well.  Sadly for her, her inability to be assertive in seeing that her needs were met made it impossible for me to address her needs.  I can still remember her asking: "Did you want for me to be bitchy?"  What she didn't recognize was that there is a different between being abusive/aggressive and being assertive.  I wanted her to tell me what she felt, what she needed, and suggest ways we could address those needs.  I would have been there for her if she communicated her needs to me in ways that I could understand. But that's water under the bridge.  I still like her, so I figure it worth the effort to see if we can be good friends instead of just chat buddies.

I won't rehash what the ex did to me right now, as I figure that I might have hurt her just as much in different ways.   I hurt my former cruise partner (FCP) even worse without intending to do so. But when someone demands something of me without leaving me some wiggle room for my needs, I fight back.  There are things I miss about her, and things I don't miss.  Given how badly she probably feels about me now, I know I will never hear from her again.  But then, she can be a vindictive person, so it's best to avoid someone who can be so destructive when set off.

In many ways, FCP and the ex are opposite sides of the same coin.  I feel that neither knows how to communicate, negotiate, and compromise that well.  Neither has had a "successful" marriage. And neither wants what we had in the past.  Due to the pandemic, I don't miss that past that much, as I wasted much of my time in superficial relationships with people.

- - - - - -

The pandemic caused me to think a lot about the things I want from the rest of my life.  And I want the emotional closeness that true friends can share.  In regard to romance, it'd be nice to have someone who cares for me willing to share my space once in a while.  But unless I can find someone who can deal with the two sides of my nature, I doubt I'll be successful in this area. 

With the above being said, I was talking with Vicki tonight and she had her thoughts on the Ex and with FCP.  She may be right.  There are many good things that can be said about the Ex, but she was unable to deal with my TG nature.  Vicki never let go of her anger towards the ex for treating me the way she did.  Regarding FCP, she sees nothing good in this person, and admonished me to NEVER reconcile with her - even for a distant friendship.  Since there's less than a snowball's chance in hell for the friendship to resume with FCP, I have no worries in this regard. 

PS: I had another message exchange with the Ex tonight.  I won't go into details, but from how I read things, she is afraid that seeing me will trigger her feelings for me again.  She doesn't have to worry about that....

 

I woke up early with a strange thought about the recent past

 

I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past.  When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up.  We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.

Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important?  Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail.  Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me.  She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs.  We never argued until the relationship was over.  In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?"  Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants.  She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me.  She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship.  Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.

There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship.  In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship.  This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship.  But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain.  And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.

Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress.  She was ready for a friendship.  And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....

My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home.  This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office.  Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork.  Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode.  AARGH!  I could use that extra money now.

As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started.  It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done.  Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs.  So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later.  And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....

 

 

 

 

 

Struts!

 

I'm glad that I can still go to the auto shop in male mode.  Women still get talked down to when dealing with automobile issues, and I can't blame some men for doing so.  Women have been discouraged from taking an interest in mechanical things, and many get confused when the simplest of mechanical issues are explained to them.  As for me, I admit that I take care of male privilege when I can. But as long as I live on both sides of the gender line, I'll take advantage of this privilege as long as I can do so.

- - - - - -

Waking up at 6 am doesn't come easy to me most days. Yet, I've been waking up early for work when I'd rather be awakened by my alarm.  Today, when the alarm was set for 8 am, I was awake 2 hours earlier.  Yet, I still didn't get to Mavis until a smidgen after 11 for an oil change and tire rotation.  

Having asked the mechanic to look at my brakes while rotating the tires, I expected to get hit by a "big" bill.  I didn't expect that I would need to plan for two big bills.  Although my rotors are still good, they will likely need to be replaced when I next replace the brake pads.  The more important problem was the front struts. The struts were original equipment, and were starting to fail.  So I OK'd their replacement.  About 2 hours and $850 later, I was out the door and ready to go home for an hour's rest before driving to see FH.

- - - - - -

While at Mavis, I got to thinking: How much further along this road do I want to travel?  I've lost a girlfriend because of being TG, and she (directly or indirectly) got me blackballed from at least one social group in the region.  Could things get worse for me if I go any further?  Who knows?  All I know is that I lost someone I cared about because of her excessive  fears.  What could someone else's irrational or excessive fear do to me in the future?  I'm not sure if I want to find out.

Looking back at two friendships.

 

The above picture is of me and my former cruise partner (FCP) who shall not be named here.  The other day, she came up in an exchange of text messages between me and my ex girlfriend. Although I can sense some of my ex's ambivalence about how we handled our differences, I know that she may be learning something by chatting with me this way.  Whether or not we end up being good friends again is up to fate.  But with everything that went on in my life last year, she may have been in a worse place without losing anyone important in her life. And that could be the explanation why she fought so hard then and why she is ambivalent about a friendship now.  But I digress....

The ex and FCP have met once during the pandemic and have chatted on the phone several times.  It seems like the ex inherits friendships whenever she breaks up with a man - and now she has FCP for a friend.  I know that FCP and I will likely never find a way to patch things up - and I can't blame her for feeling as she does.

Several days ago, I had a dream that referenced FCP, and it wasn't pleasant.  I feel that I needed to send an indirect message to find out whether she is OK or not. And thus, the mention of this dream to my ex. I'm hoping that all is still OK with FCP, as last the ex heard, things were OK, as FCP has hunkered down with her pets for the duration.

- - - - - -

You might wonder why I once sent FCP a terse apology that may have sounded "matter of fact" and nothing more.  The answer is simple: If I were to say a "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa" to her, she'd find a way to use the written word against me.  Thus, I don't want anything communicated in a form that could be used against me.

Regarding the ex, I want her as a friend, the type of friendship we could have had at the first time we broke up.  I don't push her.  Both of us still have some feelings that might complicate things if a friendship is rushed.   So I find it better to go slowly and work at rebuilding trust.  In our last conversation, I mentioned that there was a subtle wall between us during the relationship - and she gave as part of her explanation: "I didn't think about it."  People who build walls between themselves and others (and I'm including myself here as well), don't think of things that the other person feels should be obvious.  Over time, they may become obvious to the person, and by then it is often too late to fix things between the two people.  This is why I believe that an occasional argument between two people is a healthy thing - the walls we build are not started by our conscious minds, but can only be breached by our conscious minds.

- - - - - -

Some of my readers might remember that the big problems with the ex started with our breakup and how we handled things.  I am careful NOT to mention what's going on with my dating life with her, as it is none of her business.  If she were to ask, I'd give her the information she asked for, but I'd warn her that she might not like what she were to hear. (Whether she'd be pleased or not is not my concern if she were to ask the question.  But I think she'd be pleasantly surprised to find out certain things that I have not mentioned in this blog.)  Hopefully, this will not be an issue for us in the future.

As I've said earlier, I'm just trying to develop the friendship that my ex and I should have developed years ago.  Yet, at times, I feel that we're doing a delicate dance around an elephant in the room (not to be confused with the hose connecting us to our CPAP machines). Would either of us be able to overcome a fear of being hurt to risk opening up to a relationship again?  And if so, could either of us deal with potential rejection, or with a potential relationship failure in the future?  Right now, I'm only looking for a friendship, as that is the only realistic option open to us at the moment....

 

A year ago, things were so different.....

 

A year ago, things were very different than they are now.  For example, in the back of my mind I still had hope of getting together again with my ex girlfriend.  Today, I'd have to think long, hard, and carefully if that option were to present itself to me.  But that's the least of things I can mention today. My father was still alive, and I had no idea that he'd be one of the over 400,000 (and counting) Americans who'd die of the coronavirus over the next 12 months.

Both as individuals and as a culture, we would have to ask questions posed by a once popular song:

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Most of us thought that the good times we experienced prior to 2020 would last forever.  As the virus taught us, they were only fleeting things.  

- - - - - -

I spent most of 2020 employed at the census as Marian.  Recently, I applied for and accepted a job, working as Marian again.  Although this would have been a job better suited for Mario, I figured that I wanted to see how I would do in private industry without the official protections of a government bureaucracy.  Is this the job I really wanted?  No.  But it will have to do when there are 75 people (or more, in many cases) applying for jobs in both public and private sectors.

If things had progressed as most of us had expected, most of us would have gone on our usual vacations, not really noticing what they did for us as people.  Now that we've been largely isolated from others for a year, many of us feel it's time to get out in the world again, even if we are taking big risks in doing so.  I look forward to taking my Hawaiian cruise when cruising opens up again.  But I will not give the cruise lines a penny more than I have to for their products.

Travel and work are not the only things affected by the pandemic. Our nation's political future was affected as well.  Many of us gave our former present better than an even chance of being reelected because of the then "booming" economy.  The pandemic put an end to that, as the then president made light of the virus when people were more concerned about their lives than whether they had jobs or not.  How many of you think that our current president could have won the election if things were as they were in 2019?  I certainly don't think he'd have had much of a chance, as people usually vote with their wallets.  This time, they voted as if their lives depended on their votes - which they did.

 

- - - - - - 

2021 looks like it will be a better year for many of us.  Hard-line Evangelical "Christians"  are no longer able to use the federal government as a tool to attack transgender people.  We are on target to see most Americans have access to a Coronavirus vaccine shot by some time this summer. And we will soon be able to resume outdoor socialization when Spring comes.  We will be entering a time where a "New Normal" is evolving, a period where growth starts anew for both individuals and for society as a whole.  I look forward to this future.

 

I just don't want to get hurt again

 

In the above picture, I am very happy being out and about in the world as Marian.  It is something I don't plan to give up.  But I am willing to negotiate how much time I spend in this presentation - if I'm with the right partner.

- - - - - -

Looking at romance, I don't want to get hurt again, or to hurt someone else.  In my case, I have to be careful how much I open the door to communicating with the ex girlfriend, as I could fall for her again without a chance of her doing the same with me.  And both of us would need to be very sure of ourselves before taking another chance at anything other than friendship.  Making things more complex for me is my relationship with FH.  Is it a romance or a friendship?  It could be either one with her, and not something I want to risk at this time. (I'm pretty sure that it is a relationship that will end when the pandemic does, based on the evidence I have.)  But without anyone sharing my bed in a while, it makes sense for me to keep all options open for now.

When I woke up today, it was with the help of an alarm on my phone.  And I had forgotten that I had an appointment with Vanessa to help her with setting up Google Ads to promote her web site.  So I was very glad that she called to confirm things early on.  This allowed me to schedule my laundry runs properly, as I didn't want to go into my new office wearing dirty clothes.

Around 3:30, I made it out of the house and started my trip up to Dover Plains to see Vanessa.  And  I was glad that I started when I did, as I ended up having to fill up my car along the way.  (Who wants to look for gas in a rural area when it's dark outside?)  I made it up to her place around 5:15, and we got started on trying to find the right phrases and keywords to bring people to her site.  By the time 7:30 came around, we were both fried.  So I bid her an adieu around 8:30, and started my drive home.

- - - - - -

Now, I have to shift to a new topic at this point.  Earlier in the day, I was trying to make my first vaccination appointment for Covid-19.  One problem - New York's website was overloaded with people trying to make their appointments, and a flaw in the site was displaying possible appointments without preserving their availability for when one was selected.  As a result, there was a lot of needless back and forth in the application, where people like me were selecting an appointment time, and then being told that the appointment wasn't available.  I figured that I'd try to get an appointment later in the evening.

While at Vanessa's one of her clan was also trying to get an appointment.  Using the NYS hotline, she was able to score an appointment for tomorrow morning.  One problem - Metro North was not running a normal schedule, and this member of Vanessa's clan has to take an Uber to get to Westchester for the vaccination.  At least she has an early appointment.  When I got home, I used the NYS website again, and was finally able to score an appointment for early April in Queens.  AARGH!   This will give me one benefit - I'll be able to tell my boss that I need the day off to get my shot.

- - - - - -

Sooner or later, my life will return to a new normal.  Whatever that normal is, I don't know.  But I'm in a better place now than I was at this time last year.   

 

I don't know what I did all day, but I made up for it at night.

 

Sometimes, I feel that this model of Linda Blair from the Exorcist looks more realistic than I do. But then, Linda was born to be a cisgender woman, while I am transgender.  I figure that there is very little I can do about my image, save to lose weight, get facial feminization surgery, and see if I have enough hair for transplants (and having this procedure done if possible).  Until then, I will not feel that I can be remotely pretty in my own right.

- - - - - -

Like this model, I could be in my jammies all day if it were convenient.  And with the snow falling today, I did just that. Television was the order of the day until it was time to get ready for a co-op board meeting.  And then the "fun" began....

First, I exchanged a few messages with my ex girlfriend, and she was in the office having to take care of some tasks.  A little bit later, shortly before 4 pm, she decided to cut out early, as the roads weren't plowed well in her area.  So this gave me an excuse to end our chat, and to get ready for the board meeting. Then, FH called me, and wanted to get together on Friday.  This way, she could take her ailing dog to the vet, and we could go to dinner afterwards. Next, TCL called, and I didn't have the time to talk with her, as the co-op board meeting was about to start. (I figured that we could chat later on.)  After a while, my brother called during the meeting. So I sent him a message to tell him that I'd call him back. (He was calling to tell me that a check deposited to our joint account had cleared, and that I could pull my share of the money out of the account.) And then, FL called to shoot the breeze. Here was another call that I had to put off until after the board meeting. Finally, TCL called again, and I said that I'd call her back after the board meeting ended.

You'll note that I haven't said anything about the board meeting.  Well, most of what goes on in these meetings are not for public consumption. We have a lot of work ahead of us for the next few weeks, and I figure that we will likely have a few vendor selection meetings coming up in the near future.  My new job may get in the way of my participation, as I expect that I'll be getting out of work at 5:00, and I won't have time to do anything until 6:00.  And then, I figure that I'll have to turn my video off, as I'll still be in my feminine presentation when I get home.

Eventually the meeting ended, with all attendees feeling exhausted.  I returned my brother's call, then texted FL, and finally got the chance to chat with TCL for a while. At least, I was finally able to schedule dinner with Maria for later this week....

The other day, my telephone was like the switchboard at Grand Central Terminal

 

Recently, I had more people calling (or texting) me in one night than usually happens in a week. But then, it was perfectly understandable given the circumstances....

- - - - - -

Early in the day, my brother interrupted me while I was taking care of something important. He called me to let me know that a financial issue we've had closing out our dad's estate should be over soon - the bank is mailing out a check, and my brother will deposit it on arrival.  This means that, god willing, I should be able to afford to take my Hawaii cruise when cruising starts up again.  

Later in the day, Vicki called me to chat a little. I had just started to straighten out some of the mess in the apartment, and was interrupted.  A few seconds after Vicki hung up, my brother called again, just to shoot the breeze. I called my friend Vanessa to touch base on a course which required my help figuring out her problem with setting up an ad campaign on Google search, and she said that she'd call back shortly. So I took this time to chat with TCL. 

Once done with TCL, I received a message from a friend in Manhattan, and we "chatted" for a while before I was tired of texting.  So I bid her goodbye for the night. And almost immediately after wards, I received a text from a new acquaintance on Facebook, and we started to shoot the breeze.  Although she's talking with me as Mario, I know she'd be surprised to find out that I once frequented her store as Marian.  (That's something I will reveal at a future time.) While shooting the breeze, XGFJ texted me to chat a little.  She sent me a link for a store in her neck of the woods that opened a new location in Eastchester.  Applestone Meat is known for its 24x7 stores which use vending machines to dispense their products.  Although the meat is expensive, it is an excellent value if you like high quality beef.  By the time I was done with my new friend and my ex girlfriend, Vanessa called me back and we were both talking about her Google ad problems and catching up on what has been going on with our lives.

By the time midnight came along, I was fried.  This is one of those times I'm glad that I don't have to go to work in the morning.

It was a boring day today, and I'd have rather stayed home.

The above dress was a bit too small for me to wear.  But if it were a size larger, I'd have kept it because it made my body look like it had hips.  Alas, this was not the case, and I only lost $20 in the process of buying the dress in one of ModCloth's special deals..

- - - - - -

I was originally scheduled to meet up with FH, and go walking in Manhattan around 4:30 pm.  However, FH contacted me to let me know she was backed up with work and to ask if I could meet her at 6:30-7:00 instead.  So I ended up spending another few hours watching some TV before running down to FH's place with some food from Boston Market.

Did I really want to run down there today?  No.  But until things open up in the spring, it's nice to have someone I can hang out with.  I just wonder what it would have been like had my ex not broken up with me.  Alas, that's road not traveled, and one I'll always have some curiosity about.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

 

 

Around this time last year, I was walking through New York City, not knowing how much my life was going to change within less than a few month's time.  If I had known what was about to happen in my life and in the world, I'd have blown a wad and taken a trip to Hawaii while it was still possible.  Sadly, too much has happened since then, and the world as we knew it is long gone....

- - - - - -

There are still some things I'd like to repair with my ex girlfriend.  Right now, I'm working on rebuilding some form of friendship and nothing more.  I won't say more, as there are limits to how close we could become based on what happened in 2020.

I wonder what my dad would be thinking had he known he was going to pass away in 2020.  Would he have blamed the lack of an adequate virus response on Trump?  Or, would he have accepted the man's bullshitting and believed the malarkey being put out by this man and his underlings?  I don't think he'd have thought about it too deeply, as my dad was a relatively simple, down to earth person.

Sometimes, I think about a former travel partner.  She was way too open with her feelings, and she often made bad decisions about people.  In many ways, I feel she was lonely and found that her pets became her way of dealing with many of those feelings.  (She spoiled her pets rotten.)  I see similar behaviors in TCL, but not to such pronounced extremes.  And I think that TCL's recent adoption of two cats a positive influence in her life.

Knowing that things would be over with my ex, I think I'd have become a regular at the church I irregularly attended.  No, I am never going to be a religious person.  Instead, it would have been more of a place to socialize now and then.  We all need social outlets, and I would have made sure to develop more of my own - even while dating the ex.

Should I totally forget about the ex?  What about the former cruise partner?

- - - - - -

As I write this entry, it's New Year's Eve.  There are things I want to accomplish this coming year, one of which is finding a new job.  That is a realistic resolution.  Getting out to exercise more (and losing weight) is another resolution, one that I plan to do more on this coming year. Improving both my wardrobes is important, as I want to look nice in either presentation. Finally, I'd like to find someone I can love (and be loved by in return).  FH will likely not be that person, and none of the other women I've been with so far meet my criteria for someone to be with in the long term. 

 

PS:  For those of you who care about The King - Today is Elvis's Birthday.

A grab bag of things to talk about.

 

I haven't been doing much as Marian these days.  It's not because I don't want to take the time to prepare myself to use my feminine presentation these days.  Instead, it's because the both the weather and the pandemic has reduced the number of opportunities I have to go outdoors. As a result, my "normal" tendency to shift to a nocturnal sleep pattern hasn't been arrested, and I found myself going to sleep "last night" around 8 am this morning.

- - - - - -

The ex girlfriend and I have had some limited email exchanges as of late.  After we aired out things, our recent communications have been friendly, but guarded.  I'm not sure of how much either of us can open up to each other given our past. But I will admit that I miss our old and frequent communication - does she miss it as well?  Neither of us should live in the past. But is there enough there for a good friendship?

- - - - - -

As I write this, my nephew and his girlfriend will be soon returning home to the "left coast".  They are both in their mid 20's, so I think that if they catch the virus, that they will survive it with only mild symptoms.  Even though the airline industry claims that their planes' HEPA filtered air is "safe", I have to be a little skeptical of their claims.  Now that I have my nephew's email address, I can touch base with him after he's back home.

- - - - - -

My friend Vicki has been very busy lately.  Today we had a short exchange of texts regarding a dress that interested me.  Given its price point and material quality, it fascinated me.  But we both agreed that it would drape poorly on me, and that it would be a waste of my money.  Other dresses looked like a better option for me.  But I think I still need to fill in the gaps in my wardrobe (tops, bottoms) more than just buying things for the sake of buying them.

Since Vicki has dropped a size, she'll be bring me some hand me downs to try on this week.  This gives me a strong incentive to clean up much of the clutter in my place, so that it won't be an embarrassment to me to have people over here again.

- - - - - -

2020 has been a very bad year for me, and I'm glad it's over for me.  I let my apartment go wild, and I need to clean up a lot of the clutter that has accumulated.  Every attempt to declutter things has only ended in disaster.  I guess it is the low grade depression being multiplied by being lonely that has affected me this way, and manifested itself in an excessively cluttered space.  So 2021 will be a year for me to work on this.

- - - - - -

I decided to make my kitchen look a little more comfortable than it has looked for the past 35 years.  I have a storage cabinet that stands on the floor and can provide extra counter space for work, or to place appliances.  Since my wife moved into the apartment, it has always been placed in a way to effectively narrow the entrance to the kitchen.  Simply moving the cabinet to stand against an adjacent wall had some benefits: (1) It forced me to clean up some of the garbage that has been hidden for years, (2) It opened up the kitchen and made it more inviting, and (3) It gave me more effective use of the space in the kitchen - it allowed me to move my vacuum sealer into a corner, while making it easier for me to access my toaster oven.   

Once I got this task started, I noticed years of gunk that had accumulated on the ceiling fan.  So, I took some paper towels and removed most of the gunk.  (I'll save a thorough cleaning for another day, as I'll want sunlight to get a better idea of how much work I need to do for that cleaning.)  And then, I realized that I had mixing bowls which had been stored on top of my cabinets which likely had 25 years of gunk on them.  Since it was a "you might as well" task, I decided to find a step stool and give each of these bowls a thorough cleaning before putting them back on the cabinets.  Once they dried, I put these bowls in large, clear plastic bags, so that the gunk will go on the bags, and not on the bowls.  (Note to myself: If I ever do a complete kitchen remodel, go with cabinets that reach the ceiling, so that kitchen gunk stays on the outside.)

- - - - - -

Parting with things is very hard for me, but I think I'm going to finally clean out my downstairs storage compartment.  While doing this, I plan to get rid of my vinyl collection.  There are over 600 albums in the collection, and I haven't played any of them in years.  There are boxes of books downstairs that I could also give away.  Until places are accepting books for charitable donations, I will have to wait to dispose of them.  I wonder what else is in my storage compartment that I can get rid of. 

Once I clean out the storage compartment, I will move most of my unused, seasonal wardrobe into the basement.  While I do this, I will ask Vicki what she thinks of each piece, and determine whether I should donate the clothing to charity, keep it for future use, or pitch it into the dumpster.  Most cisgender women do not have as large a wardrobe as I have, and I want to pare it down to pieces that I will use often, and on a regular basis.

- - - - - -

Every time I go in my freezer and do a deep dive, I always seem to find food which has been frozen for too long, and that has to be tossed into the dumpster.  As a result, I will develop a plan to minimize the opportunities for this to happen again, and then gradually use up the good food left in the freezer.  Once there is enough room in my freezer, I plan to start buying some pre-made meals again. I plan to finally cancel my Freshly subscription instead of resuming it.  In its place, I plan to go back to Top Chef Meals, and buy 10 meals at a time.  To do this, I need freezer space.  And it's a good time to start cooking the food I put in the freezer over the past year. I guess I'll learn how to cook a little, so that I don't have to cook that much.

- - - - - -

Since politics has been a major part of most people's lives as of late (and will be until Biden takes office), I'll be glad when each day's news focuses more on the usual murders, fires, car crashes, and other disasters that befall us, instead of what our current president has/has not done to create chaos in our lives. Should we need to worry because a president leaves town without signing a needed Covid relief bill?  No.  But this is typical of a sociopathic 7 year old in a 74 year old body. And I'm very tired of his tantrums, and want him gone from the news.

- - - - - -

I figure that's enough for now.  Yes, many of these items are things I've covered before.  But as long as they have some importance to me, I will keep mentioning them....

 

 

 

Finally! We've made it to 2021!

 

.

Yay!  2020 is finally over, and we've made it to 2021.  The first thing I want to say is that I hope that one ailing reader of this blog is still able to read it.  If anything happens to this reader, I hope that the spouse will drop me a line to let me know about things.

Last year was a very strange year.  I've written about the dispute with my ex.  But I have avoided mentioning that we've occasionally exchanged emails with each other.  My Facebook page has nothing worthwhile for her to read, and a mutual friend of ours would say that I have said nothing that references the ex there.  What I'll never tell her is that there will always be a part of me that will care for her, as both of us have likely put way too much between us to erase much of the pain from 2020.

Some of the strangeness of 2020 has to do with politics.  We've seen a president virtually go crazy, and no one from his cabinet or his political party bother to do anything about it.  We've been very lucky to see our election system hold, and that we will have a transfer of power on January 20th.  Since I'm writing this a little before Christmas, none of us have any idea whether our current president will be present at our new president's inauguration.  Will he be absent because he's to embarrassed to be present at an event that shows he's a loser?  Will he be absent because the inauguration will be both quiet and private because of the pandemic?  If I were the incoming president, I wouldn't bother with the usual pomp and circumstance, and would choose a private ceremony - to avoid creating a super spreader event.

I find it amazing how quickly "Big Pharma" developed vaccines for Covid-19.  And it's just in time.  America has gotten "pandemic tired" and needs to return to "normalcy".  Last spring, none of us would even think of taking planes to see family on the other side of the country. Today, Thanksgiving and Christmas have both become a sort of super spreader event.  I don't know how much longer we can take of not living "normal" lives.  And I think many people will be emotionally scarred due to life changes necessitated by the pandemic.  

2021 will bring a lot of changes with it.  And I look forward to most of them.  Hopefully, all of our lives will be a bit better this year....

 

 

I never thought we'd have a civil word again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, my ex girlfriend I have been having a civil exchange of emails. I can't say where this will lead. But it would be nice to have a friendship again.  Yes, the topic that caused us to argue still makes me feel sad.  But that's the price I pay for my side of the dispute. And I won't go into this much further.

- - - - - -

Life keeps throwing me curve balls, and I keep trying to hit them.  Sometimes, I get a hit.  Sometimes, I hit a foul.  And at other times, I strike out.  It's amazing that I find the energy to do this after all these years, even though my heart isn't always into it.  That often applies to romance, as I don't like being alone for long.

Years ago, when I lost my wife, I didn't take the time to heal.  No one was there to guide me, or to advise me.  Such is life.  Yet, I survived my past.  A few months after her passing, I wrote a letter to a woman who I was once engaged to (CSN), and hadn't seen in 12 years. Strangely enough, we had a few dates, and then things petered out.  She was still the same person that I remembered, save that she was clueless about how most people really are.  Like me, she was a person who could not "code shift" her message to fit the needs of her audience.

Over the years, I've had some fun looking up CSN's information on the internet with no intention of getting together again.  Since this woman has an almost invisible internet presence, I find it interesting how little information is available about her.  Yet, I found out some interesting tidbits, such as an inkling of how her father was passing on assets to her without negative tax consequences or probate consequences.  Hopefully, the financial advice she got was optimal, as I'd like to see this woman do well.

- - - - - -

I'd love to have a good reason to bump into some exes again, especially the woman who was my first girlfriend about 45 years ago.  In her case, I'd like to thank her for causing me to think about my life and becoming a unique individual, not an imitation of someone else.  Like CSN, she has a small internet fingerprint, and is even harder to find.  She shares her name with a formerly popular Hollywood actress.  Hopefully she's doing well, and that she has a pleasant memory of that summer we were together.

- - - - - -

So, my train of thought comes back to the most recent ex.  Trust can only be rebuilt over time.  The slightest screw up can cause much good will to be squandered in an instant.  We both hurt each other a lot, either by design or by ignorance.  Either way, I don't want to cause her any more pain....

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Listen, I'd like to know a secret.

 

Yesterday, I was presented with a mystery that I haven't yet solved.  Someone left a box containing this plate in front of my door.  But I have absolutely no clue as to who dropped this plate at my door. 

Could this plate have been given to me by my secret pen pal from my "Ambles" group? If so, why didn't she/he have identified herself/himself as "Your Secret Pen Pal" and left me a card telling me that this is a gift to me?  (I've mentioned my love for trains in the past, and this gift could have come from a member of our "Secret Pen Pal" group.) As much as this is a possibility, it breaks the rules of our group.  We are not supposed to be giving each other a gift of value - even though these collectors plates have little resale value.  So, I've ruled out my secret pen pal for now.

The next person I thought of is someone who I doubt would give me the time of day, much less a "collector's place."  My most recent ex-girlfriend is emptying out a house in preparation to move into smaller living quarters.  We have not been in contact since summer, and I see no reason why she'd bother to risk seeing me to drop this off.  In addition, without a note to say who gifted me this plate, this couldn't be a peace offering which would tell me that she'd like to bury the hatchet.  (Last we were in contact, I'm sure that she'd prefer to bury the hatchet in my back. So assuming that this gift was from her doesn't make sense.)

The last person that I thought might have dropped this plate off is my former cruise partner.  She has even less interest in renewing a friendship, nor would she have collected plates with a railroading theme.  Given that we likely would have strangled each other if we were in the same place again, I think that she is also someone who should be ruled out for having put this plate in front of my door.

If the person who gave me this gift reads this blog, I want to say thank you.  But I wish you would let me know who you are, just to know whether you want to attempt to be friends again.

 

Was it an accident?

 

Like many of my readers, I use Google Voice for both texting and for making phone calls from selected devices. But, for the most part, I use it as a pass through service, so that my friends can call me and not need to know whether I am picking up on my land line or cell phone.  So, I was very surprised to find out that someone had dialed my number.

A while back, I had a nasty separation from a friend who was once close to me, as if she was a sister.  Sadly, due to circumstances I won't mention again, we haven't been in contact for over a year.  So I was very surprised to see the following missed call in Google Voice:

(Name Hidden for Privacy)
Missed Call
Fri, Nov 6, 2020, 9:11 PM

Although I seriously doubt that she'd want to call me after a year of being out of contact, I figure that I'd take the opportunity to send her a birthday card and to remove her from my blocked caller list.  

Will she call back, or try to contact me via other means?  Who knows.  But I will be extremely careful if she wants to rebuild a friendship.  She very well could have been a catalyst in my ex-girlfriend's decision to break up with me.  And if so, I don't want her in a position to cause me any more problems.

 

It was a long day for me....

 

Today was a busy day for me. It was the last 8 hour day at the census.  It was a short visit with the folks from my Thursday night gaming sessions.  And it was dinner with Vicki.  By the time I got home, I was totally exhausted and unable to pay any attention to a book I was trying to read, or to the TV on in the background.

Starting off the day, I woke up before the alarm clock and proceeded to get ready for work.  This would be the last day I officially had to be on site by 7:00 am, and I knew I'd be exhausted all day. As usual, I arrived at the office a few minutes late (don't tell my boss), and proceeded to surf the web all day.

After a quick attempt at napping, I drove to Yonkers to see my game night friends for what be my only chance to see them until next spring. The visit was way too short, and if I didn't have dinner scheduled with Vicki, I'd have stayed until the sun went down. But 6:00 came way too soon, and dinner was scheduled for 7:30 in Mahopac.

Picking Vicki up around 7:00, we got to dinner on time.  However, it was a blessing that the restaurant wouldn't allow us to open the bottle of wine Vicki brought with her.  We chatted about many things over dinner, not discussing the elephant in the room: What do I do with FH and FL? How do I sort things out?  So, on the ride home, we finally chatted about that.

When we got to Vicki's house, we chatted about relationships, and I learned something about her and about myself.  Vicki has strong feelings about my ex-girlfriend, and tends to get into a lecturing session if the ex comes up.  I only wanted to reference her in context of the other two ladies, and it triggered something in Vicki.  But Vicki mentioned something in passing about someone we once knew - the fellow who introduced us said I was cheap, and the ex mentioned that in her "nastygram" to me on my birthday.  

Am I cheap?  Frugal yes, but I don't think excessively cheap.  I only wish I had a person who knew me well enough to give me honest and objective feedback.

 

Things are warming up

 

It was a day off from the census, and I decided to accompany FL to see a house she was thinking of renting on the Jersey shore.  There is a big difference between driving 90 minutes through the Hudson Valley to see my ex girlfriend and 120 minutes driving through New Jersey to reach FL.  And I know that this will become a factor in the relationship as it develops....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have to think of how I will extricate myself from FH.  She's a nice woman, but I don't think I want to deal with the headaches of a girlfriend who can't drive and won't use mass transit in the age of COVID-19.  Yes, she's willing to spend $70+ on an Uber to get to Westchester.  But I don't like the idea of driving to the Catskills, then drive her back to Long Island.  Something bothers me, and it's related to the inconveniences of dating someone who has limited transit mobility at a time mass transit poses an infection risk.

In regard to FL, the drive to Brick and back was a way of seeing whether FL could be comfortable with me in Marian Mode.  Even though there was no hanky-panky, she was comfortable putting her hand in mine and laying it on my skirted leg.  This is a very positive sign.  Yes, the first time we get intimate, I'll be dressed as Mario. But she has no objection for me to be dressed as Marian.  

In many ways, my ex may have done me a favor by breaking up with me.  FL is making an effort to be comfortable with me both as Marian and as Mario.  I only wonder - is there something I should be concerned about that I'm not sensing?