I wish I could take this cruise again.

 

This is a cruise I wish I could take again.  Not only was it the first cruise I had taken in over 20 years without a travel partner, but it was a cruise on which I made a new friend.

- - - - - -

In my old blog, I documented this cruise in more detail than I will detail here.  Not only did I mention issues related to cruising with my former cruise partner, but the details of this cruise now seem to have melded with details from other cruises.  Instead, I'll note the highlights, and remember this cruise fondly.

In the past, FCP would either have someone drop us off at the cruise terminal, or park at the terminal herself.  This can be cost effective for short cruises when two or more people are traveling.  But it is not so for someone traveling alone on a long cruise.  For someone like me, it makes more sense to take the train into NYC, then taking a cab to the cruise terminal. If I spend $60 each way to get to/from NYC Pier 88, I have still saved $160 that I could spend on drinks onboard the ship.  Until I am traveling with someone again, I expect that this is the way I will go between my apartment in Croton and the Manhattan cruise terminal.

On this cruise, I met two people, one of which I still communicate with.  First is a singer, Katy Setterfield, with whom I had several great conversations before she left my ship to perform on another ship.  Sadly, we lost contact, and I haven't heard of her performing in public venues since then.  The other was my pen pal, LKC from Canada.  Although we haven't seen each other since this cruise, we've stayed in contact in the 3 years since.

There is a part of me that wishes that I did the cruise in Mario Mode.  That would have made it possible for me to visit the islands of St. Kitts, Barbados, St. Lucia, and Antigua.  But many of the islands hold LGBT travelers in disdain, and I didn't want to risk getting trouble in a foreign land.  So traveling as Marian eliminated some of the places where I'd have liked to get off the ship and walk around.  But if I had done this, I'd never have met the two people who made this trip enjoyable.

 

 

I didn't have much to say today....

 

My late wife and I loved going to this joint on our two trips (together) to the West coast.  On all my trips to the region (save one), I made an effort to stop by this place for some of the freshest seafood I could get.  Even though it has changed hands since I was last out there, I expect that the new owners will treat the place with the respect it deserves, so that it can attract customers for many years to come.

So why do I open up about a restaurant a continent away from where I live?  The answer to that is simple.  I'm thinking of making a future Hawaii cruise an open jaw trip at both ends.  Instead of flying to Hawaii from New York (and returning to New York after the cruise), I'm thinking of flying to LA to see my Uncle, then flying to Hawaii for the cruise.  After the cruise, I would like to fly to San Francisco and visit some of the places my wife and I enjoyed when we were in the Bay area.  From there, I would then fly home to New York after a San Francisco stopover.  (Or course, I could fly to San Francisco first, then return home from LA.)

Considering that my uncle is 87 years old, I'm not sure if I should put off a trip to LA next year.  But I certainly don't want to let him know about Marian.  Why put him under any additional stress?  Yet, I want to be able to afford that Hawaii cruise.  So, I'm going to need to make a hard decision soon....

I never thought that I'd be saying NO to meetup groups.

 

Today's post will be a quick one, as I don't have much to say today.

- - - - - -

Recently, I've been saying "No" to attending meetup groups more often than I want to bother attending them.  This amazes me after all the "Sturm und Drang" I was dealing with last year.  

Right now, I'm bored with people.  Dating is a hassle, and there are times that I can't bother with the effort. Even though I feel a little lonely at times, the effort of leaving my shell often takes up more energy I want to expend in the process.  

- - - - - -

Could you say that I am depressed?  Maybe.  Yet, I feel like I'm still recovering from the disaster that was 2020. I was hurt by two of the people I cared about most  (In one case, I was not the innocent party.  But that's another story told elsewhere - such as in my prior blog, which is no longer available to anyone.) I spent so much energy trying to find ways to connect with people that I ignored the connections I already had.

Until things fully get back to normal, I don't know how well I can recharge.  But I know that being able to interact with the world as Marian will be part of the process.

 

We all have baggage!

I can still remember when people with money traveled with steamer trunks like the one pictured above.  These were sturdy items meant to take abuse - and many of these cases did.  Although I'm going on a cruise soon, the days of these trunks are long gone, and many have been repurposed for use as furniture. Even the luggage I had up to a couple of years ago is obsolete, as the goal now is to make a suitcase as strong and light as possible.  This allows a person to carry more items (usually clothing) in a suitcase, and still not get hit with overweight charges when taking a flight.

- - - - - -

Today, I am thinking of the problems I might have when I tall one woman that I live a good portion of my life as Marian.  Will she run away, as several other women have done?  Or, will she be intrigued?  How do I phrase things as not to scare this woman off?  The woman I want to reveal myself to has baggage of her own.  She has taken on a responsibility that few women would accept - all to help two people who are not in a position to help themselves yet.  So there might be a positive ending, if we could see things through to a positive ending. 

Right now, it's been over 2 years since a woman has shared a bed  with me, and I miss the experience.  Yet, this period has been one of growth.  I've had to learn NOT to lean on two people I once depended on - and I've come out OK.  (I wonder how well one of them is doing - but I'm not going to ask about it.)  It seems that losing important people in my life causes emotional growth spurts for which I see things differently at the end of the process.  

- - - - - -

I have more baggage than just being Marian.  But I only plan to show it to someone who is comfortable trusting me enough to see all of her baggage.  I wonder how long it will take for that to happen....

Thinking about a different cruise than before

 

Normally, I wouldn't think of going on this cruise.  I've been to Port Canaveral, and was bored there.  I wasn't impressed by the cruise line's private island (Great Stirrup Cay), so I didn't take the tender to the island.  (My then girlfriend wasn't that impressed either, as the water wasn't clear, and the tenders were running with delays when we were there.)  But I do want to get to Charleston for a day, as this is a port that is not often on cruises from New York.

With the exception of the single 8 day cruise which adds a stop in Nassau, Bahamas, all of these cruises are reasonably priced.  Given that two of the stops are on US soil, and the other is on the company's private island, I figure that my risks of infection are minimized on this cruise.  I don't plan to get off the boat in Florida, and I may stay on the ship when we're at the private island.  But I will want to go out and see Charleston, and try and find out whether it is worth a return visit.

Yes, this will be a cruise in Marian mode - something I haven't done since my last cruise with my former cruise partner.  Hopefully, she'll be happy doing what she now does without me as a friend.  And I hope I will be just as happy having a stateroom to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

Three meetups in less than a week.

 

This isn't going to be a long post.  But it notes several things which have happened in the past few days.  Take them for what they are, and read into them what you will:

1. Sunday, I saw someone at a meetup who tried her best to keep me away from several meetup groups she claimed as her own.  It was a pleasant interaction, and went better than I expected.
2. Wednesday, I decided to drop into a meetup where my "Hiking Partner" from Thursday night games was there for Trivia night.  I only wish I could have gotten there earlier.
3. Thursday, I went to a new meetup held on City Island.  It's been over 25 years since I've been to this restaurant, and the food was good enough to want to return much sooner than that.

In all cases, I went to these meetups in Marian Mode, and it was easier for me (and the group) for me to appear as a female.  At the Sunday meetup, I was surprised that one person complimented me on my dress AND noted that I looked happier than I've looked in a while.  (Compliments will go far with me. 😃)

- - - - - -

Over time, I've developed a more natural manner being out and about as Marian.  I'm hoping that newly out transgender folk can see my posts and learn from my hard experience....

I finally went to a Hudson Valley Meetup and found the group owner is stepping down.

 

This is a happy and sad post at the same time.  The other night, I went to a meetup with a friend.  Tonight, I found out that the hostess of this group is leaving in October.  One less group in the Hudson Valley that I want to go to.  I'll have to give my ex-girlfriend credit - she chose to keep me out of the one group that survived Covid using methods that I consider unethical.  But then, she's very afraid of dealing with her feelings if she were to see me in person again.

But I don't want to dwell on the past - only reference it.

Now that the worst of the pandemic seems to be over, people are starting to attend meetup groups in person again.  This is a good thing.  There is a new group that I might choose to attend soon.  It'll be much better for me to go there than to schlep into Connecticut.  And yet, I'm not planning on filling my calendar with meetups.  I don't want to get addicted to going out.  Instead, I want to start nourishing my soul again, visiting museums (for one thing) without worrying about whether I'd be missing out on human connections. 

Lately, I've been seeing a lady (as Mario) that knows of my existence as Marian, and hasn't yet run away from me.  No, I don't think we'll be a couple for the long term.  But I'm working on developing a relationship (as friends) that will survive the end of dating.  The other day, I read an article  (Most romantic relationships start as friendships, study finds) on CNN's website.  I want to date the kind of person who I'd want to have as a friend first, and not the kind of person I'd get bored with quickly, and this article helped me understand why I do so.  There are other women I'm chatting with that I have yet to meet.  And I'm holding out some hope that one of them may like the overall package I'm offering when the time comes to see them....

https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/20/health/romantic-relationships-start-as-friends-wellness/index.html

It's nice to be able to play games on a Thursday night again

 

It's been almost a month since I've been able to join the group playing games in Yonkers.  And it was great fun being there, even though I had to leave early so that I could go to work early the next morning.  

- - - - - -

Like one person I know, for whom going to her meetups are like going to church, this meetup is like a church for me.  It's where I feel at home.  Unlike that person, I wouldn't be bothered if she were to come to my meetup and meet the welcoming people there.  It is a warm and friendly bunch of people.

I have a simple rule of thumb that I will use to determine whether a person is a good fit for me.  First, will she accept me both as Mario and as Marian?  And if so, would she fit in with this group of people.  Unlike the girlfriend in my last relationship, I will invite the special person in my life to join me now and then.  I won't want for that person to feel excluded from my life.

- - - - - -

Why do I reference the past here?  Well, even when one is looking forward, one has to look in the rear view mirror to make sure that what's in the past stays there.  If the connection between two points is a line, then I want to make sure that I'm heading in the right direction, and not doubling back on my path.

Right now, I'm seeing a nice lady.  But I don't think she'll be the right person for me.  She's not as well versed in as many things as I am, things that help to define the popular culture of the age in which we grew up.  For example, I don't expect a potential partner to have watched as many movies as I have.  But I do expect that partner to know that "As Time Goes By" comes from the movie "Casablanca."  I would expect that woman to know that "When I'm sixty four" is a classic Beatles' tune.  I could go on and on, but I'd be making this person sound much worse than she is.  And I don't want to do her an injustice.  (There is one red flag that I can not ignore, but I won't mention it here right now.)

Compared to last year, things are looking up for me in the dating department.  There are some people I'll want to keep as friends.  And there are some people who are total bores.  Over time, I expect that things will work themselves out.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

A quick note on life passing way too quickly

 

It's hard to believe that I haven't found the time to write a new entry for several days.  So I figure that I should put down some bullets to let you know what's happening in my life....

- - - - - -

First, I'm still waiting on getting a fix to the broken Wi-Fi connectivity on my air conditioners.  Later today, I'll be writing Friedrich's CEO to let him (or one of his flunkies) know that I'm very upset that they don't have a solution to my problem yet....

Believe it or not, I'm still going to my mind numbing job.  I don't know how long I will last there.  But I can use the money, I enjoy going to work as Marian, and I have nothing else to give me reasons to get up in the morning at a schedule that most people consider normal.

And last, I am going to see my friend, LK, the former student clinician from Mercy who helped me with my voice training.  It will be a rushed dinner, but something we've wanted to fit in for a long while.

A second night out with a new meetup group

 

 

 

As you can see, I'm having a great time with the girls.  This is the second time I've been with this meetup group, and I've been made to feel welcome again.  Yes, it's a group that Mario could have attended, but I fit in much more as Marian, with the exception of my size.  (It's another reason for me to figure out how to lose some weight.)

 

Some people wonder why I'd have rather been born with a female body.  It's not extreme dysphoria as some transgender people suffer.  Instead, it's the social role of women - they are the glue that hold societies together.  Their conversations are more interesting, and they often involve the nitty gritty of life that men usually ignore.  (Don't get me wrong, I'd have rather had all the inconveniences and headaches of being a typical woman in order to have lived life as one.) 

I figure that one day, I'll have to make some hard choices.  Until then, I'll have an interesting life observing how different and/or similar life is on both sides of the gender coin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A night at the prom

 

 

 

As you can see, I stand out from average sized women.  But I'm accepted in my presentation.  It's a nice feeling to know that one can be accepted for who she is inside.  But this may also be a reflection of my personality as Marian, as Vicki has noted that I am much more at home as Marian than I am being Mario.

 

I'd love to have two people no longer in my life to see the above picture taken at the FTF meetup group's 2021 Prom.  Even better, I'd have loved for one of them to be at this meetup.  No, it's not to impose Marian on this person.  Instead, it's to show this person that there is nothing to be embarrassed about in being with me. 

 

You'll notice that I am in the back of this picture of the women from the FTF meetup group.  The caption on the website labels us the women of the prom, plus one photo bomber.  At one time later on, several of the women got me up and dancing.  Even more fun, one fellow took me to dance with him shortly after this picture was taken.  (No, my gender preference hasn't changed.  But it was fun to have a man treat me as a woman.)  

Although I didn't bother to correct this picture for the background light, you can easily see that my "friend" wanted another picture of me with him.  And I gladly complied.  There was one thought in the back of my mind that I made sure to not act on.  It would have been a fun picture to have taken with me kissing him by surprise.  But several bad things could have come of it, so I let this innocuous shot be taken.

It was a fun evening, and I hope to do this again next year.

I woke up early, and wished I could wake up late

 

Last night, I went to sleep early in an attempt to recharge after a long weekend.  However, my body clock had its own way, and woke me up almost 2 hours earlier than I wanted.  So, again, I was barely awake as I did my job in the morning, and became more awake as the day went on.

As Covid-19 worries recede into the past, people are starting to go in to their offices again.  This means that there is much more traffic on Route 9a heading South, and many more times that traffic will get screwed up by either an accident or a series of ultra slow moving vehicles.  (Garbage trucks and cement mixers come to mind here.)  So, getting out of the house by 7:15 may not be a viable choice anymore, if I want to get to work on time with time enough to get my breakfast sandwich.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should have taken this job in Mario mode.  I feel much better in a feminine presentation these days.  (I'm not uncomfortable as Mario.  I simply prefer to go out in the world as Marian, as I feel freer in a woman's role than in a man's role.)    The extra 30 minutes it takes for me to get ready to go out in the world as Marian is a small price for me to pay.

After work, I chatted with TCL, and then with FH.  However, I never made it to call any of the other women on my list, as I didn't have it in me to chat much.  Yet, I made it to my Tuesday night Zoom meeting with my friends in Texas.  This left me with no time to take care of any of the other items on my to-do list.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a day that I can catch up on things....

Right now, I'm glad I have my job

 

If it weren't for having a job, I would be raiding my savings account for much more money than I've needed to do this year.  It's not the job I want to keep forever.  Instead, it's the kind of job to keep until I have something better to do.

It's nice being able to go to work as Marian on a regular basis.  Yet, this job does not allow the social engagement I would like.  Yet, I can't complain.  The job is exactly as was presented to me.  And I'll do it to keep from draining savings.  If a travel opportunity opens up to me, I may leave the job so that I can take my trip.

There's not much I can do to make my job more interesting.  I think of it as a form of electronic "whack a mole".  It lulls me to sleep when I'm tired, and I need to make sure I have my coffee before starting work.  By the end of the day, my body clock is waking the body up, so that it can go home safely.  My boss could put me in a different area.  Yet, I think he's trying to be nice to me by giving me an easy job to do.  No complaints will come from my area of the peanut gallery.

- - - - - -

The other day, FH wondered why I don't buy a new car.  The answer is simple.  I hate draining my savings accounts when I am living on an artificially low income.  TCL understands this quite well, even though she's on a tighter budget than I am.  I expect that by this time next year, I'll be looking at buying that new car.  Will it be a used car, like Vicki might get?  Or, will it be a new car, like I usually get?  Either way, I will need reliable transportation while working and while dating.

This job gives me way too much time to think.  I have to remind myself to focus on other things when my thoughts go where they would likely make me sad or angry.  Here, I'm glad that I've been listening to a series of TV shows dedicated to Meditation.  I've found that they relax me enough to fall asleep AND that they teach me certain coping skills I need to short circuit the cycle of anger and sadness.

- - - - - -

Now that the pandemic is easing off, too many people will be rushing to get out and about.  This is the time that I may be avoiding the growing crowds, as I still expect another wave of the pandemic to cause many of us grief.  Instead, I'll stay inside, work as hard as possible, and possibly save some money for future travel.

Mavis Tires - The second, but not final visit.

 

You might wonder why I show pictures of a car's exhaust system.  Well, the long pipe connecting the engine to the rest of the exhaust system failed, along with the parts closest to the tail pipe.  Yesterday, I brought the car to Mavis Tires, expecting to have the work completed by the end of the day.  However, the parts supplier couldn't get the parts to Mavis on time to get me out the door by 5.  So I was told to come back after work to get this work done and to get my wallet emptied.

Whenever I get work done on my car, I go as Mario.  Yesterday, this meant a quick stop at home to change into Marian before going to work.  Today, it meant changing into Mario after work before going to Mavis.  So I had to plan out my day very carefully.

- - - - - -

This morning, the Route 9A Southbound traffic jam from Croton to Route 134 was much worse than usual for 7:20 am.  Cars were bunching up at the end of the bridge out of Croton, and I had to take side roads to bypass much of the jam.  Another jam was around Route 133, and I had to again reroute to side roads instead of getting stuck in traffic.  If I didn't know the alternative routes on side roads, I'd never have made it to work on time.  But I did lose my chance to have a cup of coffee before starting work.

At lunchtime, I received the following message from WDS:

Hello Dear Friend,

1. My brain may recover, but there are no promises. The pressure of the two hemorrhages between my cranium and brain has already killed a whole bunch of brain cells.

2. I'm staying at a house that I rent. No, please don't try to help me. I don't want to live forever, and I definitely don't want to survive as a vegetable. Quality of life is very important to me. Remember that I have had personal experience with that subject and that I understand it well.

3. No, thank you. I get tired easily, and I have to allocate my efforts to selected activities.

I appreciate your friendship and offer to help, but this is an end of life state. I must choose the right path for me at the right time. 

Hopefully when the time comes, he will have someone near him to keep him company as he starts his trip to the great unknown.  Also, I hope that he has someone lined up to inform his friends and family of his demise.

Next, I received a text from FH that something was wrong, and she wanted to talk this evening.  It seems like she wanted more time to talk with her friend, and asked me to come for dessert instead of a midday dinner.

After 8 hours of playing digital "Whack-a-Mole", I was tired and ready to go home.  Instead, I could only stop there long enough to clean myself up, change clothes, and then go to Mavis.  While at Mavis, I texted Vicki, and she picked me up for an unplanned dinner at Panera Bread.  So, at 7:30, I returned to Mavis with a hope that my car would be ready.

My hopes for a quiet car were dashed when I was told that the pipe at the end of the muffler (see bottom left photo) was about 5 inches too short.  It couldn't connect with the rest of the tailpipe.  So I ended up with a noisy car that will have to take me up to see a friend tomorrow.  At least, the fellow assures me that this will be fixed for good on Saturday morning.  Damn.  It would be the only day I could wake up late, and now I can't do so.  AARGH!

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting up with Maria #2 after work.  It'll be nice to catch up with her again.

On Easter, some people must be blind

The above picture was taken on Easter, when I drove an hour to get together with the Fun Time Friends.  The fellow in the picture went out of his way to get another picture taken with me.  I wonder what he sees, and I wonder what's on his mind.  But, if he were to invite me out, I'll politely decline.  I'll make up some story about seeing some gentleman near me that I've known from childhood, and hope that he backs off.

- - - - - -

This is the first time that I've looked into a picture taken by someone else and started to see something resembling a feminine form.  The more I live a good deal of my life as a woman, the more that I'll experience both the good and bad sides of what cisgender women experience every day.  Sometimes, it can be something as simple as having to wait for a restroom stall to free up.  And at other times, it may be something as risky as having to be on a poorly lit street waiting for a bus to come by.  There are so many good and bad scenarios I can think of, that I won't even try to make a list of them here.

One thing I can say when I look at my face in the picture is that this is the face of a confident woman. In a sense, I can understand why the ex girlfriend broke up the relationship - she was afraid of what this path of life would do to me.  When given a choice between courage and fear, I chose courage while she chose fear.  But enough of her already, as I mention her only in passing.

Does the above picture of me show someone who can exude confidence?  I'm not sure, but it is the picture of a person who hasn't yet developed her own style.  Over the past 8 years, I know what I want to look like when I go out the door, and I know what I need to look like to blend in with other women.  Yes, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am in life.  But, in certain ways, I feel better now than I did a decade ago.  (This is not true in all areas of my life.  It is my growth as Marian that is helping to give Mario reasons to have hope.)

As I like to say, when the Easter Bunny brings you some eggs, make sure that you ask:

Chicken Eggs or Cadbury Eggs?

And then act accordingly....

 

Until I find my new normal, I look both ways....

 

I often find myself thinking of mistakes I made in the past and what I could have done differently.  No, I can not change the past, nor do I regret many of the decisions I have made.  Instead, I want to learn as much as possible from my past, and make sure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future.

- - - - - - 

When crossing a road, we are taught to look both ways before crossing.  Now, I look both at the past and my future to figure out what I want to do next in life.  For example, I looked at my most recent past relationship, and realized that I needed to place a higher emphasis on communication in a relationship, instead of just getting along too smoothly.  I also look at the future, and wonder if someone like FH would be what I need.  She is not shy about making her needs known to me, and can drive me up the wall sometimes while doing so - and I'm glad she can do this, given the failure of my recent past.

I also wonder whether I should stay in the workforce as a full time worker, and whether I would work as Mario or Marian.  If I were to get a receptionist or office worker type position, I want to work as Marian.  There is something I like about appearing as a professional woman that fits my image of myself as Marian.  Yet, I like the image of a technical worker that I was as Mario. Which path should I choose if both were to be open to me at the same time?

It's not easy making these decisions, as I will have to live with them for a long while.  But I am glad that I'm in a position to make these decisions, instead of being held back by fear.

It's hard to believe how much things have changed.

There's a certain timeless twisted quality in the movie UHF that defies description.  It's a great spoof of the nature of (then) UHF TV, where most stations made their money by showing reruns.  Today, all broadcast TV is digital, and there is no physical difference between what were UHF stations, and the original VHF stations - they all share the same area of spectrum reserved for broadcast TV signals.  Yet, when one gets past the technology used to deliver media to people, the gags still work. In the image above, the man at the right is asking for "change"  One man gives him a penny (later found to be a valuable 1909-S VDB penny), while Weird Al's character gives him $1.00 in change, and receives a $1.00 bill in exchange for it.  "Change?" My favorite gag from the film involves a shipment of Badgers for "Raul's Wild Kingdom."  When Raul sees the Badgers, he says: "Badgers?  Badgers?  We don't need no stinking Badgers!"  Raul's show stinks, but it's popular - just like many UHF shows of the past.

Why do I mention "Change?"  Well, I never thought I'd be working in female mode.  Now, I'm employed for the second time as Marian.  If I had been able to get another technology job, I'd have worked as Mario.  But, since these jobs are not open to me right now, why not work as a female and enjoy how many people react to me? If the ex had stayed in my life, I never would have taken this step - romance was always more important to me.  She never understood that, and never will. But that's water under the bridge now.

Because of my new job, I have started wearing clothing more typical of the average American female.  Instead of wearing dresses all the time, I'm wearing tunics with leggings, or long sweaters over trouser like garments.  I seem to be blending in better than I did in the past.  I truly have a foot in each of the male and female worlds.  And this is a good thing....

 

Sunday tends to be my day to take care of weekend chores.

This is what my laundry basket feels to me at the end of the week.  With the exception of one day (or two) which I must go out in the world as Mario, virtually all the clothes in my laundry basket are for Marian. This is a good thing, as I am able to live most of my week as a woman, and enjoy my time both as Marian and as Mario.

- - - - - -

Today, I had 2 things on the docket.  First, I had to buy pre-made meals for lunch at the office. Then, I had to do some laundry so that I'd have something clean to wear during the week.  However, I neglected to do some items, and this will force me to do another load later in the week.  But I digress....

This was not the day to go out and do anything.  It was rainy when I went out to Wegmans, and I ended up spending more money than I planned.  To make things worse, I wanted to get some extra cash from the ATM, and Chase's machines were down at my branch.  (I have no idea whether the whole network was down or not, but this is an inconvenience that justifies my maintenance of more than one checking account for cash withdrawals.

When I finally got around to doing laundry, I forgot a few tops that needed washing.  This is the type of problem a transgal has if she builds up a wardrobe geared to be an office worker, and suddenly finds work in a factory like setting.  Although I have a couple of tops on order, I have to keep all of then clean for work.  So I use all 5 tops I have, and wash them on weekends.  Unfortunately, I forgot to wash some of these tops, so it neccisitated use of a second wash cycle to get these tops ready for the coming week.  It is similar to what I needed to do when presenting as a male.  However, I couldd get away with doing things as a male that I can't do as a female.  So, I'm extra cautious when keeping up my appearances as a female.

Hopefully, by next week I'll have settled into a simple weekend routine.

Will I be able to keep up this pace?

 

I seem to be burning the midnight oil lately, not going to sleep early enough and waking up too early.  Work is not easy for me these days, as it's hard to stay awake and do a mind numbing job.  

- - - - - -

Last night, I figured that I was going to go home, relax a little, and enjoy my Zoom meetup with my Texas friends.  Yet, it seemed like Grand Central station to me, as I did not manage my time well.  This is a skill that I think I've lost in the years since I had to work a 9 to 5 job.  (The census had a schedule, but it was not one of these jobs.)

The big question is: Will I get used to a schedule where I have to be up by 6 am?  I need to do all the things required of me to present as a female when at work.  In many ways, I am living the life of a woman with a body that was born with the wrong equipment.  And this keeps getting in my way in subtle things such as having to shave every morning. 

Yet, there are only a few things I'd change, one of them is living half and half, so that I could have a woman in my life who accepts me warts and all.  Being Marian gives me energy.  But being Mario can give me companionship.  It's hard to find a middle ground, but it's a place I need to find to have optimal happiness....

A year ago, things were so different.....

 

A year ago, things were very different than they are now.  For example, in the back of my mind I still had hope of getting together again with my ex girlfriend.  Today, I'd have to think long, hard, and carefully if that option were to present itself to me.  But that's the least of things I can mention today. My father was still alive, and I had no idea that he'd be one of the over 400,000 (and counting) Americans who'd die of the coronavirus over the next 12 months.

Both as individuals and as a culture, we would have to ask questions posed by a once popular song:

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Most of us thought that the good times we experienced prior to 2020 would last forever.  As the virus taught us, they were only fleeting things.  

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I spent most of 2020 employed at the census as Marian.  Recently, I applied for and accepted a job, working as Marian again.  Although this would have been a job better suited for Mario, I figured that I wanted to see how I would do in private industry without the official protections of a government bureaucracy.  Is this the job I really wanted?  No.  But it will have to do when there are 75 people (or more, in many cases) applying for jobs in both public and private sectors.

If things had progressed as most of us had expected, most of us would have gone on our usual vacations, not really noticing what they did for us as people.  Now that we've been largely isolated from others for a year, many of us feel it's time to get out in the world again, even if we are taking big risks in doing so.  I look forward to taking my Hawaiian cruise when cruising opens up again.  But I will not give the cruise lines a penny more than I have to for their products.

Travel and work are not the only things affected by the pandemic. Our nation's political future was affected as well.  Many of us gave our former present better than an even chance of being reelected because of the then "booming" economy.  The pandemic put an end to that, as the then president made light of the virus when people were more concerned about their lives than whether they had jobs or not.  How many of you think that our current president could have won the election if things were as they were in 2019?  I certainly don't think he'd have had much of a chance, as people usually vote with their wallets.  This time, they voted as if their lives depended on their votes - which they did.

 

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2021 looks like it will be a better year for many of us.  Hard-line Evangelical "Christians"  are no longer able to use the federal government as a tool to attack transgender people.  We are on target to see most Americans have access to a Coronavirus vaccine shot by some time this summer. And we will soon be able to resume outdoor socialization when Spring comes.  We will be entering a time where a "New Normal" is evolving, a period where growth starts anew for both individuals and for society as a whole.  I look forward to this future.