Amazon Prime and Whole Foods

Many people will soon be looking for ways to avoid going to the grocery store during the next wave of the pandemic.  I can't blame them.  Some people have taken to going to lesser known and lesser frequented stores to get their vegetables and meats.  Others have taken to ordering pre-made meals online from places like Freshly, and letting others do all the prep work.  Today was the first time I was with someone when the weekly "Whole Paycheck" (a.k.a. Whole Foods Market) delivery came.

As much as I don't like having expensive items left in front of my door due to a potential opportunity for loss, I like having things of little to moderate value left in front of my door.  Food is one of these things.  In the past, I would have a box of 6 meals from Freshly dropped off in front of my door (if the delivery service bothered to read the delivery instructions).  But I haven't bothered with Freshly in a while due to their "last mile" delivery services.  So, when I saw my friend get a delivery from Whole Foods, I figured that if things get bad, that I might just use their delivery service.

I was impressed with one of the things they do when packing items that needed to stay cold - they used dry ice.  Unlike Freshly, which uses reusable cold packs, the Whole Foods delivery leaves minimal product to dispose of.  Only the bags the refrigerated/frozen food comes in need the dry ice, and it evaporates quickly after the bag is opened for transferring goods into the refrigerator/freezer.

Given that Amazon controls the last mile delivery, I may just use this service in the future.  Hopefully, it won't get bad enough that I will need to do so to avoid a visit to the store down the hill from me.

I could have stayed in and do nothing, but...

 

A necklace.  Not one that would be worn by a pretty woman, unless she was King Kong's large size companion.  Given that it is holiday season and FH is still in the picture, I figured that she deserved a holiday gift.  So I bought her handmade necklace and earrings thru Amazon.  Unfortunately, I couldn't give her a gift without getting her daughter a gift as well.  So I had to get dressed and go shopping today.

- - - - - -

It's been a while since I have been outside my apartment as Marian.  So I took the opportunity to go out in female presentation for the last chance I'd have this week.  As I was leaving the apartment, I saw a box on my landing.  After checking who it was addressed to, I dropped it in front of my neighbor's door.  She opened up her door while I was in front of my mailbox, and her cat escaped.  So I ended up chatting with her for a sec before leaving.  

I could have driven to the Westchester Mall in White Plains.  But I'd rather not pay to park in their lot, even though it would cost me more to cross the bridge and shop in West Nyack.  And I think this was the right choice, as I was able to find a parking spot very close to the entrance and I was able to get FH's daughter her gift within 10 minutes of my arrival.  So I took the opportunity to walk around a relatively empty mall before driving home for the night.

Around 9 pm, I finally decided to make my crock pot lasagna.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, some might say), I was not going to be able to have it for dinner.  As a result, I ended up taking the lasagna out of the crock pot around 1:30 am, putting the lasagna into storage containers for future eating, and then into the refrigerator to be eaten over the next few days. (I had a little nibble, and it was something that will get better when reheated.)  Knowing me, I will likely have cooked too much.  But I'll know this for sure in a few days.

 

 

A late lunch with a view of the bridge

 

This is a view of the new Tappan Zee Bridge from a site near the Sleepy Hollow lighthouse. Years ago, instead of a residential development in walking distance of the lighthouse, there stood GM's Tarrytown plant.  Soon, I'll be able to walk from this lighthouse through the residential development and reach the restaurant I ate at today.

Last week, FL and I agreed to meet for lunch/dinner at an Italian restaurant convenient to the two of us.  Unfortunately, she had a scare. Two of the people with whom she was in contact had contracted Covid-19.  So she had to isolate herself until her test results came in.  By the beginning of the week, FL received a negative test result, and we rescheduled lunch at a restaurant we ate at several weeks before.  Her one requirement was that we could eat outdoors, and the place she chose had a heated tent. And this restaurant had that.

When I arrived at the place, the tent was there - but nothing else.  One could sit "outdoors" in back of the restaurant.  But one might as well have been sitting inside.  So when FL arrived, she chose to sit inside - and the very table we ate at the first time we were there.  We chatted a bit about things, and she got some great news while eating lunch.  The buyer of her apartment finally signed the contract, and now only had to be approved by the co-op's board of directors.  Now, the clock has finally started ticking for FL to move to Long Branch, NJ.  All too soon, it was time for us to leave.  Given the pandemic, we will not likely be able to have lunch again until both of us have been vaccinated for the virus.  And then I was off to the bank to find out why my ATM card didn't work the other day. 

About 15 minutes later, I arrived at the bank, and waited for someone to finish at the ATM.  Unfortunately, this lady was doing multiple transactions at the ATM and wasting a lot of time.  After a minute or two, I decided to get out of the vestibule, as this woman was wearing her mask improperly. And I went to the teller to deposit my checks, then find out why my card wasn't working.  Guess what!  I hadn't used the card in ages, and their computers flagged the card as inactive.  So I made my deposit, and was told that the card would be reactivated in 24 hours.

Once I got home, I was in for the night.  Did I bother to do the laundry that's been piling up?  No.  Did I bother to make the crock pot lasagna I wanted to make?  No.  Did I even bother to read any of the books I have out from the library?  No.  All I wanted to do was rest.  And rest I did....

 

And now, something different.

 

The above picture depicts Rufus T. Firefly in his successful tenure as the President of Freedonia. The diplomacy of the neighbor state, Sylvania, proves Ambrose Bierce right.  "Peace is a period of treachery between two wars."

Why do I refer to both a Marx Brothers' comedy and Ambrose Bierce in the same paragraph? The answer is simple.  As I write this, our president is undermining the faith his followers should have in our democratic institutions.  As incompetent as Rufus T. Firefly was, he was able to lead his forces to victory against Sylvania. Compare this to our current president, and Trump will look totally incompetent by the comparison.

When I grew up, it was assumed that once the winner of an election was announced, that the loser would graciously concede defeat, and that a peaceful transfer of power would take place as smoothly as possible.  No major decisions or appointments would take place during the transition.  Today, our current president is violating the norms, and making it much harder for the next administration to have a successful tenure.  This puts us all at risk.  We've seen how an incompetent president's mismanagement of pandemic response has made it possible for more people (instead of less) to die from Covid-19.  Even worse, we've seen him organize "Super spreader" political events which only served to make the medical problems worse.  Is this the sign of someone who believes in the unwritten assumptions that kept our country functioning well during a transfer of power?

Many people are angered by this president's frivolous and needless lawsuits geared to nullify  the results of the popular vote. They only serve to do one thing: energize his followers to give him money (presumably to fund his campaign and its lawyers) to line his pockets one last time. Since a third of the nation will follow this buffoon without question, I have to pose this question:  How strong are America's democratic institutions, when a large part of the population craves an authoritarian government?  History shows that democratic forms of government are at their weakest when the needs of the average person haven't been addressed by the elites.  Our president is an incompetent kleptocrat.  But he  seems to want to be an incompetent autocrat as well.  This is a big risk for all of us - especially when the people in his political party are afraid to acknowledge the truth that Biden won the general election.

Hopefully, we will soon see the last of our current president, except when he is in court defending himself against all the charges which will likely be brought against him.  That will be fun television for many.  As for me, the man (and his defenders) disgust me.  So I will change the station and stream all 270 episodes of the classic Perry Mason show.  At least, I know that the innocent will go free at the end of each episode....

 

I never thought we'd have a civil word again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, my ex girlfriend I have been having a civil exchange of emails. I can't say where this will lead. But it would be nice to have a friendship again.  Yes, the topic that caused us to argue still makes me feel sad.  But that's the price I pay for my side of the dispute. And I won't go into this much further.

- - - - - -

Life keeps throwing me curve balls, and I keep trying to hit them.  Sometimes, I get a hit.  Sometimes, I hit a foul.  And at other times, I strike out.  It's amazing that I find the energy to do this after all these years, even though my heart isn't always into it.  That often applies to romance, as I don't like being alone for long.

Years ago, when I lost my wife, I didn't take the time to heal.  No one was there to guide me, or to advise me.  Such is life.  Yet, I survived my past.  A few months after her passing, I wrote a letter to a woman who I was once engaged to (CSN), and hadn't seen in 12 years. Strangely enough, we had a few dates, and then things petered out.  She was still the same person that I remembered, save that she was clueless about how most people really are.  Like me, she was a person who could not "code shift" her message to fit the needs of her audience.

Over the years, I've had some fun looking up CSN's information on the internet with no intention of getting together again.  Since this woman has an almost invisible internet presence, I find it interesting how little information is available about her.  Yet, I found out some interesting tidbits, such as an inkling of how her father was passing on assets to her without negative tax consequences or probate consequences.  Hopefully, the financial advice she got was optimal, as I'd like to see this woman do well.

- - - - - -

I'd love to have a good reason to bump into some exes again, especially the woman who was my first girlfriend about 45 years ago.  In her case, I'd like to thank her for causing me to think about my life and becoming a unique individual, not an imitation of someone else.  Like CSN, she has a small internet fingerprint, and is even harder to find.  She shares her name with a formerly popular Hollywood actress.  Hopefully she's doing well, and that she has a pleasant memory of that summer we were together.

- - - - - -

So, my train of thought comes back to the most recent ex.  Trust can only be rebuilt over time.  The slightest screw up can cause much good will to be squandered in an instant.  We both hurt each other a lot, either by design or by ignorance.  Either way, I don't want to cause her any more pain....

 

Some good news.

 

This is a quick note on the virus.

The other day, I was supposed to have a late lunch / early dinner with FL.  However, she had to cancel our get together, as she was in contact with two people who later caught "the bug".  So, she rushed out to get tested and anxiously waited for the results.

Well...  The results were negative!  No Covid-19!  This is great news.  So, sometime later in the week, we will be having an outdoor meal together.

- - - - - -

Later in the day, I contacted my hiking friend from game night.  She got her job!  Yay!  She'll be working an unusual schedule, doing a Tuesday-Saturday daytime shift.  This is good for me, as this leaves both Sunday and Monday open for us to get together for our outdoor walks. 

Last week, I mentioned this woman to Vicki, and said that I wish I could have met this woman as Mario.  She gave me something I could say to find out whether she is interested in someone like me.  Knowing me, I'll never say it.  I like knowing this woman too much, and I don't want to ruin a friendship by bringing up Mario and spoiling things.

 

 

When I woke up, it was colder than I originally expected.

It was not this cold outside today, but it was colder than I expected. 

- - - - - -

The last time I went out walking, it was in the 40's. And I felt comfortable outside wearing a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt under a coat when I walked with my friend from my Thursday night group.  Today, being 10 degrees cooler than my last outdoor walk, I figured that it might be a little too cold for me to walk outdoors. So I texted a friend, and asked if we could change our get together from a walk and maybe a bite to eat to just a bite to eat. And our plans changed, so that we could meet at a local brewpub.  

Around 1 pm, we met at the empty brewpub and talked about many things.  I talked about many of the things I mention in this blog: some with more detail than I write here, and some with less detail. One of the things I mentioned was that I had no place yet to go for Xmas. So now, I have a place to go if I have no other invitations for the day.  Because it was warmer than either of us expected when we finished with lunch, we took the chance to move our cars out of the brewpub's parking lot to a place where it was safe to park the cars for an hour or so. And then we walked a short distance before turning back.  (BTW: I found out that I need to put a pair of gloves into the pockets of my new coat.)

As I've mentioned here and elsewhere, I'm a bit concerned about how this winter is going to look like.  Will people hunker down at home and take realistic precautions against being infected by the virus?  Or, will they throw caution to the wind (albeit slowly) and allow the pandemic to continue its second wave? I plan to obey all of the restrictions put upon us by  our state's government, as I don't want another lock down as is now about to start in California.

- - - - - -

Thinking of California for a minute, several of my acquaintances live in the San Francisco Bay area.  My Aunt and Uncle live in Los Angeles. They will all be affected by the upcoming lock downs.  The state is an example of a government which has delegated too much power to the people. At least one county (San Mateo) is not planning on following the governor's directive to do a 3 week lock down.  Instead, they plan to perform a "Swiss Cheese" approach to closing things down, and as a result, have very little effect in stopping the spread of the virus.

Recently, I found a new search engine (people locator), and I may have found where an ex girlfriend of 44 years ago lives.  If I'm right, I'll consider dropping off some snail mail just to say hello.  I don't have much to say, I live on the other side of the country, and I pose no threat to this woman's comfort.  So, I might have a pleasant response if I do this.  The odds are that I won't send this letter.  But it would be nice to reconnect with someone who affected my life in a positive manner and tell her this after all these years.

Another acquaintance in the Bay Area knows about my bi-gendered nature, and is comfortable with it.  Hopefully, she will survive the winter, and that I'll get to see her on my next visit to the Bay area.  It's been around 8 years since I was there last, and it's time to get out there again. This time, it'll be much more expensive for me to visit. But I'm coupling this trip with: (1) a visit to LA to see my Aunt and Uncle, (2) a broken leg train trip from LA to Seattle, (3) meeting up with my nephew in Seattle, and (4) a cross country train trip back home.  It'll be an expensive trip.  So it won't be something I'll do on the spur of the moment.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to think of warm places, Florida comes to mind.  I have some acquaintances I'd like to visit there, and have no intentions of doing so until the pandemic lifts. As is well known, the governor is a GOP buffoon, and doesn't take the pandemic seriously. He hews to the Trump party line. And this has put an ex girlfriend of mine (and her partner) at risk. No, I do not plan to visit this ex.  But I would like to visit two people who have been mentioned in my previous blog before life made other plans for me.

Assuming I decide to visit Florida, my trips between cities will need to be taken as Mario.  I don't trust this state's attitudes towards people like me in this political climate.  One could easily get killed if the wrong people were to find out my biological gender doesn't match up with my gender presentation.  As much as some people have no trouble "traveling pretty" (as Kim would put it), I still feel that I have to be very careful.  But I'm not in any hurry.  I don't plan on making this trip until next winter at the earliest.

- - - - - -

Hopefully, I will get back to traveling and meeting people sometime next year.  I'm more than willing to pay the price in loneliness to get out the other side of this pandemic without catching the virus. But it is a heavier price than I'd like to pay to be on the other side....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walmart is not the shopping mecca that someone once thought.

 

 

OK, I will admit that I occasionally shop at Walmart.  Do I like the idea that this store has become a monolith among retailers? No.  The arrival of this chain depresses wages for other retailers in the community, unless large retail chains already dominate the local landscape.  Today, I knew that I was going to a Walmart, and had no plans to buy anything there.

When FH and I last talked, we agreed that today's trip would be to a restaurant that I often enjoyed in the past, and that she would get to go to a Walmart. So, off to Lindenhurst we went, and we found Southside Fish and Clam for a seafood dinner.  This place brings back many good memories for me, as I've been going there on occasion since my late wife was alive.  There isn't much atmosphere, but the food is good. Today, the place was virtually empty, and we were able to have a quiet meal in peace without having to worry about other patrons being too near to us.

Our next stop was the Walmart in Farmingdale. It is one of the bigger ones, and yet, FH was unable to find a circular fluorescent bulb in the correct size.  After a little bit of shopping, we ended up going to the Home Depot to get the bulb. Then, it was back to Forest Hills, where I installed the bulb. It was a little bit of a pain in the butt, as the clips held the old bulb in very securely in place.  But once I was able to remove the old bulb, everything went smoothly.

Even though I don't think this will be a long term relationship, she's good company for now. And for that, I'm glad that I met her.  Tomorrow will be a day out as Marian, and it will be nice to enjoy that part of me again.

Another time that dinner was the best part of my day.

 

When I got up this morning, I found that a text message never made it to JM, and she was no longer interested in me.  This is not as bad as it sounds, as we were not in each other's social class. As Vicki said to me later in the day, her former career might have taught her skills that prevented her from developing good relationships with men.  (I won't go into this any further in this blog.) If someone wanted to drop me because of a minor screw up, then I know she would run away if she ever were to find out about Marian.

Since I didn't get enough sleep the night before, I went back to sleep and finally arose for the day around noon. For the most part, I took it easy all day until I met with Vicki around 6.  Now that Covid-19 infection rates are going up, I'm starting to get concerned about doing things such as eating indoors at a restaurant. But Vicki and I will continue to eat out, at least until Gov. Cuomo says that the infection rates in the Mid Hudson region are too high to allow indoor dining.

Vicki and I met in a restaurant near Mohegan Lake. She had bought a $100 gift coupon for $50, and wanted to go out to this steak house.  Yum!  I haven't had Prime Rib in ages.  So I went to the cash machine, picked up my weekly supply of cash, and made it to the restaurant on time.  It took a few minutes to be seated.  But I always feel good when someone addresses me as a lady.  This was an evening to feast, and we split a raw bar sampler for 1 (more than enough for 2 to share), and then had soup with our prime ribs to follow. Both of us had leftovers that we took home with us.  However, Vicki noted one thing in our conversation that I never noticed before - I now have enough volume and pitch fluidity in my voice to sound much more like a cisgender female than I did 2 years ago.  Now, my voice isn't much of a giveaway anymore.  That's a great compliment!  Those lessons at Mercy helped, as well as my 10 months at the Census bureau.

As my readers might guess, the day started off on a down note, and ended on an up note. For this, I am grateful..... 

Secret Pen Pals

 

 

One of my meetup groups (Ambles and Adventures) has sponsored a "Secret Pen Pal" letter exchange twice this fall. And I have enjoyed participating in it.  It's a nice thing to do, as it allowed me to write to someone I don't know, and say something from my heart without feeling that I will be looked at strangely.  No, I'm not saying anything I wouldn't want known to the world. Instead, I'm opening up a part of myself that doesn't always get the chance to come out.

The first time around, I had two pen pals.  One was the woman I was assigned as my secret pal. The other was the hostess of the group, someone who couldn't have the secret pal because she knew everyone's partnerships.  The second time around, I had one woman, and I had fun writing to her as well.

I'm looking forward to the next round of letters/cards. I get to express myself as Marian, and enjoy doing so.

Hiking around Teatown Lake.

 

The other day, I went out with a friend from my Thursday night gaming group.  If I had met this woman as Mario, I'd have asked her out for a date a long time ago.  Even now, I sometimes wonder whether she'd be interested in Mario, knowing that I like to spend as much time as possible as Marian.

This week's hike (a very easy one) was the lake side trail around Teatown Lake. It's hard to believe that the last time I walked around this late was a little over 40 years ago, when I was a "youngster" in college.  The group I was in had no problems walking from a nearby retreat house late at night, and doing a 7 mile walk (my guesstimate) without thinking about it.  Today, I get a little nervous thinking of doing a 4+ mile walk.  And I've shied away from groups that I might have been welcome in, had I taken the chance to make the first move.

Now that the weather is about to get cold, I will miss these chances to be with my friend.  We don't talk that much when we are walking, but it's nice to have someone with me to be a catalyst for me to do healthy things with my life. Even if the weather weren't about to get cold, it looks like my friend has finally landed a job.  And I am very glad for her. 

When things warm up again, I expect that we will be getting together for our walks now and then - unless I am busy with a woman I'm dating.  Neither of us like hiking in excessive heat or cold.  So I think I'll have a hiking companion for those times I want to go out for a walk as Marian. 

- - - - - -

A while back, I read a book called "Moneyball."   It explained how the Oakland A's were able to use statistical analysis to figure out how to produce a division championship team by acquiring talent on the cheap, not assuming that certain needed talents had to be possessed by a single ball player.  The A's changed how baseball looked at producing winning teams, and it influenced me in how I looked for friendships after breaking up with my ex.

Knowing that I'll never get the bulk of what I want in a relationship from one woman, I decided to fulfill my needs in completely different ways.  For example, I used to enjoy regular, if not daily, calls with the ex.  Now, I have them with TCL, even though she is only friendship material.  I now enjoy going out to dinner with the women I have dated, but do not yet expect that I can share my soul with any one of them so far. (I certainly can't say much about the physical part of a healthy relationship.) None of the pieces in the aggregate yet make up for what I lost. But I think I'm building up something more durable, and more likely to last.

Strangely enough, I think that being Marian is an important part of this rebuild.  Even though I expect that I will need to live much of my life as Mario, Marian is an essential part of me. There is a warmth that I could never show people when Mario crowded Marian out.  And whoever I end up with will need to accept all of me, for better and worse.

 

 

 

The only reason I left the house was to get some food.

 

General Tso's Chicken.  It's one of the tastiest foods you can order at a Chinese take out place, but it is neither healthy, nor is it Chinese in origin.   Several years ago, Jennifer 8 Lee gave a Ted Talk regarding the origins of this dish. And her talk gave me new insights into the origins of "Chinese Food" in America.

When I want comfort food from a Chinese take out place, General Tso's Chicken is one of the dishes I usually will order.  Lately, most places have been turning down the heat on this dish, as most Americans like bland food.  As for me, I usually want strong flavors in my food, save when I'm eating slowly and for taste.  Then, I want the subtleties in a dish's flavors to come out without assaulting me.  

Today was one of those days I wanted some Chinese comfort food. And you can easily guess what I ordered.  It was a good excuse to get showered and dressed for the first time in a couple of days.  Given that the pandemic will shut down California in the next few days (as I write this), I expect that New York will soon follow their lead. That means that I'll have to enjoy getting out now, while I can still do so.

- - - - - -

Before things started getting shut down, Andrew Sullivan mentioned  Camus' "The Plague"  in his blog.  Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to read this book before everything shut down in March.  So I put the book on hold, and waited until I could get it from my local library.  Towards the beginning of May, the library reopened.  But it was not business as usual.  One had to put all book requests on hold, and once available, pick up these books on a table inside the library's vestibule.  No one was being allowed to enter the library, save for the people who worked there.   After reading the book, I started to understand why my reactions to my ex (and she towards me) were so magnified.  More importantly, I started to understand why some people were likely to suffer pandemic fatigue - after a point, people stop feeling that they have any control over their lives.

After a summer and fall which allowed us to socialize with some degree of normalcy, it looks like the second wave of the pandemic is going to be worse than the first wave.  Before, the effects of the pandemic were limited to a handful of states.  Now, the pandemic is nationwide, with the worst effects in states who acted as if the pandemic was God's curse on the "Liberal" states.  Although there is a part of me that is enjoying a form of Schadenfreude, seeing many of the "Deep Red" states suffer as we did in the Tri-state area, I'd rather that no one go through what we went through in the spring. There are people I know who couldn't get essential health care because hospitals were flooded with Covid-19 patients.  No one should endure that.

I figure that most of us will be staying isolated until sometime in April, when things have started to warm up and vaccinations are being given to the general population.  By that time, the general populace of this country will start receiving their vaccinations.  Will the rest of the nation behave in ways described in Camus' novel?  One thing I know, take out restaurants will still be allowed to function, and I will still be able to get my General Tso's Chicken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The best part of the day was doing the laundry

 

 

Years ago, this storefront was where the Whine and Dine meetup group used to meet.  Since then, the restaurant has closed, the meetup group shut down, and the owner moved to Texas to live a new life.  Why do I bring this up?  To answer this, I go back to the old phrase: "This too shall pass."

- - - - - -

Virtually everything now is being affected by the pandemic - even though we have a vaccine which will be available to most of us in the spring.  Most of us have 4 to 6 months before we are able to get vaccinated, and we will have one last season of being shut in our homes before we start the process of living lives that resemble the "normal" we remember from 2019. But those 4 to 6 months are a long way away, and the positive infection rates in New York are about 5% of all those people being tested for Covid-19 infection. 

Recently, several get-togethers I scheduled with some people have had to be postponed because of Covid-19.  First, I was supposed to meet with JM for a walk.  One of her friends that she met up with could have gotten infected, so JM waited until the results of her friend's Covid-19 test came in before risking new contacts with her friends.  Over the weekend, FL was in contact with two people, both of whom tested positive.  So FL cancelled dinner with me, and went to be tested for infection.  If she tests negative twice, then we will get together for dinner one week later than planned.

TCL and I try to talk with each other every day.  It's our way of making sure that there is someone there looking out for each other on a regular basis.  She's looking to adopt a new cat (or two) and I hope she finds one (or two) she likes.  As for me, I don't have that much to say in our conversations.  But the pandemic has affected both of us, as she is very concerned about letting anyone into her house.  Minor house repairs are being delayed, as she doesn't even want a handyman inside her house.  And I can't blame her.

Everyone I know is affected by the pandemic, and it looks like I'll soon have to become a hermit as well.  Now that people are retreating indoors, the high point of today became doing the laundry - as this got me out of my apartment for a while.  After a dinner with Vicki and shopping with FH over the weekend, I doubt that many people will be comfortable meeting with others inside their houses or indoors at a restaurant.  

As I try to remind myself, "This too shall pass."

 

 

More reports from the dating front - printer problems & someone overly inquisitive.

 

I figure that once someone wants to break up with me, that I should take her at her word.  Last year, my then girlfriend broke things off - and it hurt me much more than expected.  Our after-breakup dispute caused us to say and do things that hurt each other, ruining what should have developed into a solid friendship.  I'll always feel sorry about that.

Why do I mention this?

Well, FH is a nice woman.  But I think she's uncomfortable trusting me.  No, I'm not talking about dealing with my dual-gender life, though that is an issue. But it is something much more mundane - trusting me to know what I'm doing, when I don't know all of the details about what I'm doing.  Without a certain amount of trust in the person, neither a friendship or a romantic relationship can work for long.  But for now, it seems that we are filling each other's needs.

The other day, I was over FH's place, and she asked me to figure out what was wrong with her printer.  Details that should be coming in as solid black were being printed in a bluish gray.  Since she had replaced all 4 of the print cartridges a couple of weeks before, I had my doubts of whether a new print cartridge was needed. And if it was, I had to make sure which cartridge needed to be replaced, as color printing is an "additive process" and I didn't want to buy a new cartridge unless it was really needed.

When I started my diagnostic process on the printer, I was getting a little flak from both mother and daughter.  The error message they saw said that toner was needed.   Yet, the printer status reported that the black toner was at the 95% level.  FH overly depends on her daughter for anything related to technology.  In several ways, she's training her daughter to be the "man around the house", letting the daughter take the lead in things such setting up computers, assembling "kit" furniture, etc., when I feel that FH should have been using these opportunities to show some grit around her daughter instead of indulging her. (At times, the daughter seems to be 21 going on 15.)   So mother and daughter argued about whether they should buy more toner, while I wanted a little bit of peace to figure out what was really going on.  As a result, I was using my call phone the way people might use a fidget spinner - a distraction to keep from focusing on something frustrating me.

Once I finally started to make some progress, seeing what was really going on, I decided to find the printer's manual, and read an online copy.  In that copy, I found a section related to printer calibration.  So I decided to run that process, as they had installed new toner cartridges 2 weeks before.  About 5 minutes later, we were able to print a document - and the black areas printed as black areas, without a touch of the blue/gray print we saw before.  

Now that I was done, FH was very thankful.  Unfortunately, it was time to leave, and it was back to Croton for the night. 

- - - - - -

Before Thanksgiving, I "Swiped Right" on a woman in New Jersey.  I made the mistake of responding to her direct message.  She peppered me with questions, some I answered and others I didn't.  Overall, I got a very bad feeling about this woman.  She mentioned that black men seem to be very loving.  (So, what?  I identify as White, though I have Black ancestors from over 100 years ago.) Then, she peppered me with questions that she had no right to be asking at such an early stage of knowing each other. Add to this, she wanted my FB information (which I wasn't going to give), and it felt that she was trying to set her hook into someone who had a few extra bucks. She wanted to rush into a video chat, and yet, when I mentioned Zoom, she didn't bite.  Something was very far off. Once I found out that she had 4 rental properties in the Philippines, warning lights came on for me.  She may have lost her family's prior American "Sugar Daddy", and saw me as a potential mark.  Once I saw her using the English language in a very flawed manner, I knew that something was very wrong.  So, I unmatched her, and let her move onto another mark.

- - - - - -

As you can guess, there are other women with whom I communicate.  Until the pandemic lifts, I will have a hard time meeting any of them.  But if I do meet them and things work out, I'll be sure to let them know about my female side earlier, not later, in the developing relationship process. 

 

Sometimes, I like to find diamonds in the rough.

 

The above picture is one of many from a stock photo collection once issued by Corel on CD-Rom.  They didn't know the value of these photos when they sold the CDs, and now sell use of these photos on an image by image basis.  If I had known how pretty many of these images are, I'd have dropped a wad of cash and bought a complete set of 200 CDs.

 

These pictures seem to have been shot on the best of old Kodak film stock.  They have the warmth that today's photos often do not have.  (The images were saved in an obsolete format, and had to be converted to JPG.  As a result, they may need color correction that I won't bother with for my blog.)

Given that it has been the better part of 20+ years since I bought these disks, it will be hard to find individual disks I am interested in owning, such as for New York City, Washington, DC, and America's national parks.  So, if you know someone who still owns these disks and wants to sell them, please let me know.

All I want for Christmas

 

I have to be realistic about romance and me.  I'm a failure at love.  You could blame it on my bi-gendered nature.  You could explain it away from attachment issues from childhood.  You could just say that I'm selfish.  No matter what is the root cause, I've loved and lost way too often.

Fortune granted me 11 years with my late wife.  She was no saint, but I would like to think that she could have accepted me for who and what I am now.  However, could I have accepted what she was while becoming a more mature adult?  I'm not sure.  Over the years since then, I've dated a string of women - with no long term success.  Most recently, I was in a relationship for 5 years, and failed at that as well - in part, because of who and what I am.

My Christmas wish is simple - to find a lasting love, and to be able to show her I really care.  What is your Christmas wish?

The high point of my day was dinner

 

I won't go into too much about today.  My ex and I had an interesting exchange of emails.  And thought it brought up feelings in me (and probably in her), it was a productive exchange that will likely continue over time.  What's more important is that I had dinner with Vicki tonight.  Although I can call on her for help, I always have to remember that she is a married women, and has only limited time for me.  

Vicki has a positive accomplishment of note - she has been able to lose enough weight to switch herself into the category of "overweight" from "obese".  I must relearn how, how much, and what to eat, so that I can also lose my excess weight.  It will be hard for me, given that I eat out all too often.  But with the pandemic and winter coming, I'll bet that we will soon have the same shutdowns that plagued us this spring.  However, I think that this time, most businesses will be allowed to stay open, as we can't afford the social safety net needed to keep people home and keep people and businesses solvent. So, without the excuses to eat out, I may just be successful in my attempt to lose weight.

 

 

 

 

Something to be thankful for, but....

 

What can I say about this Thanksgiving? It certainly wasn't what I would have wanted or planned. Yet, I am thankful for it....

Without going into all the other options that didn't pan out, there was one option that opened up to me too late for me to say "yes".  But I'd have rather this option had not opened up.  My friend, TCL, had invited one of her friends over to have a Thanksgiving meal with her at a local restaurant.  This gentleman is a little bit of a flake at times, but TCL made sure that I understood that her friend had a very good reason to skip the meal - he had to be admitted into the local hospital.  Although I can't go into any more details, TCL was able to show me that his situation was serious, and that he needed immediate treatment and care.  I wish I could have then said yes to TCL, but I already had plans with FH and didn't want to break them.

Many people might not have known that Boston Market was open (in a limited way) for Thanksgiving.  People had a very limited choice of meals, as the stores were doing Thanksgiving Feasts to go. Lines stretched out the doors, and out to the back of the stores. Yet, they moved quickly, as evidenced by the one I was on.  After picking up 3 meals (1 each for FH, her daughter, and me), I was off to Forest Hills for dinner.

Once I reached Queens, I decided to look for plastic utensils, so that we didn't need to clean up anything. I ended up driving through Flushing, and the area is even more built up and more like a part of Asia than I remember it being.  (The heart of Flushing is one of New York's newer Chinatowns, and I wanted to see what has changed since I was there last.)  Eventually, I made it to FH's place, and I was extremely lucky to find a place in front of her door.  Even more so, I was lucky that the door was open to her building, since both the doorman was on duty AND that the temperature was in the 60s when I arrived.

Even though I bought 3 meals, the only thing FH's daughter wanted to eat was the Mac & Cheese bowl I picked up.  The girl (she's 21) is a very picky person, and didn't even want to eat anything else on the table.  Once dinner was complete, FH and I went to her cousin's house for an outdoors holiday chat, and I eventually dropped her off at her place a little before 9 pm.

Would I have chosen this day, knowing how things would be?  Probably not.  But I am grateful that FH is comfortable introducing me to her cousin and his daughter. And I am grateful that I had this place to be on Thanksgiving, a holiday I could have easily spent alone and depressed.

 

 

Exchanging emails, a helpful lunch, zooming with Texas, and another lost friend.

 

Well, I had an exchange of emails with the ex, and I found out that either the leader doesn't want me at the meetup, or that the ex doesn't really want me there.  I have learned to distrust anomalous situations.  However, something good came of this exchange - we said a lot more in the exchange than we said when we were together.  No, I won't go into details here, but let's say that our problems were set in motion by a clash in communication styles, a few mistakes from me, and fear on her part.  I can easily say that if we understood each other's methods of communication, we'd have been able to be friends. But I have many doubts that this is possible, as I feel that she is still holding in way too much anger towards me to risk having that friendship.  So this put my mood for the day into a "down" mode, and I was glad I had lunch with a friend coming up.

There are only a handful of times that I have ever felt so down when someone leaves my life. And it always has been a woman who triggers this depressed feeling.  The ex triggered it last year, and it still plagues me.  Today was a day I needed to talk with someone, and FL was my scheduled lunch date.  She made me feel a lot better, telling me two things of note.  First, she noted that many women are socialized to be excessively nice, and do not stand up for themselves in ways that men will understand.  As a result, when women finally get to the point where they can't stand something, men have totally misread their mates and the women are ready to exit. (It doesn't help that many men don't know how to restrain themselves physically. But that's another issue - and I'll side with women here.)  This was likely the case with the ex and me.  Second, she gave me a clue of how I should bring up my bi-gender nature with a new woman, noting how what I said to her caused her to have issues. (I won't go into this here and now.  Maybe I will at some future date.)  I'm grateful that she wants to be a good friend.

Later on, I had my Zoom meeting with the folks from Texas.  There were only the three of us ladies on the line, and we had a good chat.  I couldn't help but to note my depressed state, and I was glad that these two women were there for me.  

- - - - -

You may wonder why I didn't call Vicki today, when I really needed to be with and talk with friends.  First, she's the type of close friend who I can call on for almost anything.  But I can't call on her often.  She'd be upset at me if I were to mention the ex, as Vicki feels that the ex is playing a game with me.  And she could be right.  I wonder what will happen in the other meetup groups next year when Covid-19 is "extinguished."  I'll deal with that problem when it comes.

Sometime soon, I expect another email from the ex which will trigger more feelings in me.  However, I hope I made her think about some things - not to cause her grief.  Instead, to trigger some introspection, in order to see that we both screwed up big time in the last year we were together.  As much as Vicki would tell me to run away, I wouldn't mind finding a way to have a friendship with the ex.  (I'd hate to feel that extreme sense of loss again, especially twice triggered by the same woman.)

- - - - - -

On other matters, I have been trying to find a close friend who has totally gone off the grid. WDS was my best man at my wedding, and I was there for him when his wife died. Even after a few years of not seeing each other, when he found out that I got a new job, he gifted me a top of the line iPad. We emailed each other every few months, and last communicated in May. Well, I tried to reach him by email several times, and no response.  Given that we are living in the age of the pandemic, I have grown very concerned for him. So I read through our past emails, and found the name of someone who helped him Agility train his dog. And I sent an email to this person (after doing a Google search for her), asking if she knows how to contact him.  Hopefully, I'll be able to locate him, alive and kicking.  Given that he lives in Florida (a high Covid-19 infection rate state) and that he has a minimal traceable presence, it would be nice if this person can give me a phone number, or tell me what happened to him.  I'd hate to find out that I lost another friend, and that he left no instructions to contact people like me.

 

PS:  He finally responded to my email.  In the past, he'd respond quickly.  After my follow up, I asked for his phone number.  No reply yet on that request.

 

 

Soon, 2020 will be over.

I pass over the Bear Mountain Bridge several times each month. But when I looked at the above photo, I was reminded of how rarely I go to this tower to get a view of the Hudson River "from above".  This picture was taken over a decade ago, before things started to go sour in my life. And it also reminds me that there will be a time after the virus is long past.

Why do I mention this right now?

For most of us, 2020 has been a terrible year.  I lost my dad.  My niece has had to postpone her wedding 3 times, and friends have lost their jobs due to the virus.  And I am one of the "Lucky" ones.  My dad lived a full 92 years, my niece is living with her fiancee (having recovered from Covid-19), and my friends have been able to find work.  Others have had it much, much worse than me, my friends, and my family.

Things are starting to look up for us.  Initial deliveries of the Coronavirus vaccines are being scheduled, planning for mass inoculations is taking place, and the economy is recovering.  If we're lucky, by this time next year, 2020 will be a bad, but persistent memory.

- - - - - -

2020 was remarkable in many ways for me. It was the first year in a long while where I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up with in private. Yet, it allowed me to go to work as Marian for the better part of 10 months. During the year, I met new people, and was able to develop at least 1 new friendship.  No, this friendship may not be as deep as the ones I lost last year.  But it is a start for me.

Having worked at the census for the better part of 10 months as Marian, I feel confident that I will be able to find work again as Marian.  This may turn off some people.  But I don't care much about them. Unless I'm living with a woman who needs to see Mario most of the time, I'd like to be living as much of my life as Marian as possible.

2021, I hope, will be a year which I finally get my weight under control.  My goal is to be wearing size 18 clothes within the next 2 years.  Yes, I'll have to replace both of my wardrobes, but it will be worth it if I'm successful.  Additionally, I'd like to be in a new serious relationship by the end of next year. (I miss the touch of someone next to me in bed.) Hopefully, I'll finally be able to take a Hawaiian cruise, preferably as Marian.

 

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