A place I want to get back to soon....

 

Peggy's Cove, NS.  Although I wouldn't want to live there, I'd like to visit there every few years.  It's a place that one can take many interesting photographs, and it's a place that never seems to change much over the years.

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The first time I was in Peggy's Cove was when I was a child.  It didn't impress me much then, as little makes an impression on a young child.  However, I later made it there with my late wife, and we both enjoyed making this the highlight of our Nova Scotia vacation.  I'll always remember an incident that happened in one of the hotels we stayed at in our travels - the warm water shut off unexpectedly while I was in the shower, I yelled "F**k!", and she came to my aid not knowing whether I was in need or not.  Although there are more details I don't mention to this story, it is the most memorable part of this trip.

The next time I was in Peggy's Cove was on a cruise with my former cruise partner (FCP).  She didn't come with me on this excursion.  But I was sure to get some pictures while there.  This visit impressed me more than my previous two visits, as I became aware of the rocky ground the town sat upon, and wondered how people get their water and deal with sanitary issues.  (I never did think like an average person.)  And still, I couldn't get the beauty of the place out of my mind.

So this time, I hope that RQS appreciates Peggy's Cove as much as I do.  Although I'll be in Mario Mode this time, it won't be much of an issue when I'm with her.

Preparing for 2 cruises and looking forward to #3 (and maybe #4).

 

Towards the end of my tenure at the bank, FCP invited me to take a cruise with her, traveling as Marian.  It was a interesting experience, as I was outside of my comfort zone.  This would be the first of several cruises I would be taking as Marian, and something that accelerated my growth as Marian.

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Lately, I've been preparing for a cruise (as Mario) with RQS this fall, as well as preparing for a solo Hawaii Cruise (as Marian) later this year. To feel comfortable in the warm Hawaiian weather this winter, I've bought some informal dresses I could wear while there and look forward to wearing them on the cruise.

Assuming that all goes well on the first cruise, RQS and I may choose to take another cruise in the spring.  The main issue we think we'll have with this cruise will not be on the cruise itself.  It will be with her cats.  Will she have enough caregivers visiting often enough to feed her cats, clean their litter boxes, and show them some affection while we're gone?  This problem is one I dealt with after my cat died over 10 years ago by not adopting a new pet.  So I don't say anything negative about her cats, as I understand how they become family during their short lives.

I've been half-heartedly trying to convince RQS to take a specific Panama Canal cruise (a full transit through the historic locks) this coming spring, as it might be a last golden opportunity to see my uncle while he's alive. It's been fun trying to find ways to make this cruise into a more affordable reality (time and money), and it's something I should be able to afford next year.  RQS's issue with this is finding cat caregivers for the better part of 3 weeks, and I'm not sure if my brother (and his wife) are up to the task.  Luckily, this cruise will be offered for the 2024 season, and I may have a second opportunity to take this cruise. Hopefully, RQS and I will be able to do it together.

If we can't do the Panama Canal cruise due to RQS's time/cat caregiver constraints, we may take a 11 day Caribbean cruise.  This would be the second time I'd be in the area as Mario, and it wouldn't be as much fun as traveling as Marian.  Let's see what happens next.

Life is strange

 

During 2020-2021, I let my apartment go to waste while I did my best to take care of myself.  The above image is typical of me - during one of the few chances I had to get to a meetup, I let myself have a little fun.

Why do I mention this?  Well, being transgender got in the way of my last relationship, and my former cruise partner (FCP) sent my (now) ex girlfriend a note that should have been forwarded to me without opening.  Of course, curiosity got the better of her, and the rest is history.  FCP is no longer a friend, and the ex is just an ex - we only have simple communications, and not that of people who were once intimate partners.

There has been a great upside to this.  If the ex and I had not broken up, I would never have been in the position to meet RQS.  And for that, I am very grateful.  She accepts me for who and what I am, something that my most recent ex couldn't do. Although it takes some effort for us to talk about uncomfortable things, we know we need to do so in order to have a solid relationship.  So far, all the signs are still green for us, and I hope that they stay this way.

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I see one of my flaws getting in the way of things, and that is something we've already talked about.  As much as I dislike my job, I am hesitant to leave it.  I know that there isn't much of a chance that I'll find another job at my age, and that leaving means that I'll have to solely live off of my nest egg.  RQS is already retired, and she seems to be doing well in retirement.  She has taken up new hobbies (read: artistic pursuits) as well as doing the exercises needed to improve her body and her health.  And she'd like for me to do something similar when I retire - if only to have me around as long as possible.

Hopefully, I will retire sooner than later, as I've already committed myself to do so with my Hawaii cruise later this year.  It's too bad that RQS will be unable to go with me....

Sleep Problems

 

 

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle for no good reason.  So, I feel tired when I go in to work, and my productivity is down until lunch time.  It doesn't help that I am naturally awake late in the evening, and the effects of sleep deprivation have set in.

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When I was dating XGFJ, I always had problems with her nestling in my arm in bed.  It is not a romantic problem - it's an issue with RQS as well, but she accepts that I will need to shift my body now and then to keep comfortable.  The difference is simple - we communicate better now.  My previous relationship failed because of poor communication, and I wish it had ended earlier, so that we could have stayed close friends. 

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Going away for a short trip has its own problems.  In my case, if I don't bring my CPAP machine with me, I will fall back to having my sleep apnea cause me problems. When I was with XGFJ, she noted that the machine trained my subconscious to keep my airways unobstructed.  RQS notices that I sleep better with the machine, and has no problem with my use of the machine.  

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Even when all things are going right, there's a part of me that's restless.  If no one is with me, this is not an issue.  But, if someone is staying over, I can't just get up and put my thoughts into this blog.  Yet, I have less and less to say on a regular basis, and I am thinking of giving this blog a break for a while.  (I'll bet that FCP will be happy with that, as it was my previous blog that caused our rift (and, according to FCP, signaled the end of our relationship to XGFJ.))

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Luckily, I can get my sleep on weekends.  It's not enough.  But it will have to do until I retire.

A thought on an angry ex friend

One reaps what one sows.  This is so true in many ways.  I lost a friend by revealing too much about her inner thoughts, and I will not be forgiven.  But now, I have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....

FCP contacted me today, commenting on events that happened in the past.  In her anger, she supplied clarification about a conversation we had, communications between her and my ex-girlfriend, and her thoughts on my ex's feelings.  I don't believe that I said anything recently about FCP that she should have taken offense to, but one never knows what goes on in a person who feels she has been betrayed, and what she will do to feel she has gotten her payback.

Part of today's communication had pictures of FCP's family, FCP commenting that these are people I'd never see again.  Well, I know she's sending these pictures out of anger, trying to rub in what I lost.  But I discounted the possibility of seeing her son, daughter in law, and now their baby long ago, as FCP doesn't have it in herself to let her anger go and consider forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the forgiver much more than the person being forgiven, as it releases any control that the repressed anger has on you.  Some of what FCP said hints at a former over dependence on daily conversations with me. And yes, I had a dependence on these communications as well.  I grew from our friendship ending, and I hope she has done so as well.

Now, I did not tell the ex-girlfriend that I had my earlier conversation with FCP.  FCP had said that she's get in trouble if I said anything, so I kept my mouth shut.  But... FCP opened her mouth to the ex, as I'd bet that she needed to know if I said anything about the conversation.  It's not worth stirring things up with the ex, and FCP has been a lost cause for the past 2 1/2 years.

What I find curious is that FCP found my blog interesting and discussed it often with the ex.  I guess that FCP still found me interesting enough to follow, even though I had little to say about her anymore.   I also find it interesting that FCP has soured on communicating with the ex, as without me being a topic, the ex has nothing to talk about that FCP finds interesting.  

FCP claims that she has blocked me.  Who knows?  She is an angry woman who gets upset when she doesn't get the results she wants.  For me, she is finally out of my life, and leaving my mind quickly. I only wonder if she has/or will go back to some of the habits she used to have when I once knew her. I hope not - she has done a few things in the past 2 1/2 years which I feel she should be proud of.

 

 

PS: The ex-girlfriend sent me an interesting message shortly after I received the communication from FCP.  I will not go into the content, save to mention that FCP had no right to put words into the ex-girlfriend's mouth.

A conversation with FCP

Earlier this year, I found out that FCP had a grandchild and that her son had graduated med school.  So I sent her congratulations, even though we were still on the outs with each other.  Two weeks after the last message, she sent a message to tell me that she was offended that I sent a card to her son and daughter in law to offer my congratulations.  (She tried calling me, but I wouldn't have picked up if I knew it were her - I don't react well to someone screaming.)  I wasn't going to say this to her, but I knew that her son holds no grudge against me, and probably was glad to receive my card.

After several failed phone calls, FCP sent a text message and we had a series of message exchanges.  I found out that my ex girlfriend was much more unhappy in our relationship than she let on to me (the ex told me that she hinted a lot and expected me to pick up on her obtuse hints), and complained to FCP.  (I'd give a cookie to know who contacted who first, but that's another story.)  Given the way things were phrased in the exchange, I think that FCP wanted to make sure that my relationship with the ex was going to die, so that she could get even with me.

Now, I'm not going to go into details here, but I think I was set up by FCP without even sensing it.  It's just as well that things are over with both people, as there's nothing that would have come from the relationship with the ex, as we never talked about having a future together after 5 years of a relationship.  Being transgender was only one of the things that the ex couldn't deal with, and I'll leave it at that.  All I can say is that I wasted 5 years with the ex when I could have been searching for someone who could accept me fully as I am - in both gender presentations.  This is not a knock on my ex as much as it is a knock on two people who couldn't shit or get off the pot for as long as we did.

Do I know what the objective truth is regarding what happened all these months ago?  No.  But I'm closer to being able to say that the ex was unhappy, was unable to advocate for her needs with me, and was destined to leave a lot later than she should have.  Regarding FCP, I should have never had made public things which I did.  And both of us have grown because we no longer lean on each other for support....

 

 

PS: I had another message from FCP, and she was upset upon reading this.  She didn't like my accusing her of being in the middle of things and causing trouble, so she is blocking communications from me.  Sadly, she can't accept that others can come up with different conclusions based on the information available to them.  And, when neither person trusts each other anymore, it is very easy to assume the worst from the other.

 

Cruise Affordability

 

The other day, I discussed potential cruises with RQS.  We had found an Alaska 9 day cruise for a reasonably cheap price ($799 pp/double occupancy, excluding fees/taxes) that RQS was interested in taking.  Since I didn't want to do Alaska this year, I made a simple suggestion - look at the excursion package prices.  That was enough to get her to realize that 2022 wasn't the time to go to Alaska.

One thing I've learned about cruising is that shore excursions can easily double the price of a cruise. I could have easily busted my budget on my last cruise if I took ALL the excursion options available to me. Instead, I chose the option that allowed me to see parts of a city that I've never visited before.  But what happens on a cruise where ALL the ports have desired excursions?

Alaska and Hawaii cruises are known for their expensive excursions.  One takes these excursions to experience things that have no equivalents anywhere else.  Alaska has glaciers.  Hawaii has volcanoes. This is a simplistic explanation of the states' uniqueness.  And this uniqueness is why both states are on many peoples bucket lists.  Where else can you take a bus to see a glacier from a port city?  Where else can you get to an active volcano from a port city?  Both states are isolated and expensive to reach.  So they will be expensive places to visit.

If I wanted to cruise on the cheap, I'd stay in the Caribbean for my cruises.  Once you've seen an island with a fort, an island with a pristine beach, and an island with a tourist oriented shopping area, they all seem the same.  The specific details may be different for each island, but not enough is different to make any island stand out for long.  So, once a person has sailed the 3 Caribbean areas (West, South, and East), there is not much new to see.  Instead, a Caribbean cruise is a series of beach days that takes place on different islands.

Over time, a cruiser may decide to stay on the boat and avoid Caribbean shore excursions altogether.  The ship has become its own destination.  For me, that is how I afford many of my cruises.  When I think of my former cruise partner, she complained that we don't go on any shore excursions.  I'm not going into the reasons why I didn't go on excursions with her, save that there were none that made sense for us to go on.  Once one has cruised the same route (or a similar route) several times, one has already done the excursions worth doing.  The boat is now the destination, and not the Caribbean islands.

I monitor cruise prices all the time for trips I might want to take.  There are price points that one must set, where when prices fall below them, it's time to consider buying a ticket.  This was the case for my most recent winter cruise.  The cruise line effectively made me an office I couldn't refuse.  This is how I afford my trips....

When one gets tired, one can slip up....

 

I remember how Fran was when she told me about how she decided to come "out" to the world.  She couldn't keep her male and female persona separate enough to avoid having the wrong person see her in the wrong presentation.  Today, I made a smaller version of the same mistake.  Although my mistake is not "fatal" it is a potential problem, as I emailed some paperwork to my doctor's office from my "Marian" account.  This will likely cause a few questions if the receptionist asks the wrong questions.

However, I am not too worried about a worst case scenario.  It will only be a little bit of embarrassment at first, then life will go on.  But this makes me wonder how many of us let our guard down a bit too far when we are tired.  When I used to cruise with FCP, I'd occasionally slip up and use the wrong voice when tired or overly relaxed.  The wrong voice can spoil any presentation in less than a second.  So, sending an email from the wrong account is a relatively minor thing to let happen.  Doctors are supposed to keep secrets, and I expect that the people in his office can be trusted to do the same.

A pleasant addiction.

 

I am a YouTube addict.  But I am not one who goes for simple entertainment most of the time.  Instead, I look for videos that cover new facts, new ideas, and new experiences.  For example, many of the videos I've been viewing lately have been the topic of travel - specifically, travel on land and on water.  Air travel may be interesting, but there are fewer things that hold my interest involving that mode of transit.

RQS has introduced me to one of the videos she likes to view: Simon's Cat.  The creator of this video series has nailed the actions of a cat, and has brought out the humor of having a cat around the house.  (Did I mention that RQS owns two cats of her own?)   When I need a chuckle, I sometimes look for the latest episode of this cat.

FCP used to watch videos from Dr. Pimple Popper, Sandra Lee.  Sometimes, I've watched these videos out of some primitive brain area curiosity.  I find it amazing how bad these growths have become before they go to this famous dermatologist for help.  Thankfully, I have never needed her services.

It's hard to believe that this business has evolved from a money losing home for meaningless videos to a money making home for user provided content of varying value.  If you want to find out how to adjust the "hidden" settings on a CPAP machine, you'll find it there.  If you want to find out how to replace the control unit for an air conditioner, you'll find it there.  And I'll bet that you'll find videos of almost every surgical procedure if you look hard enough.  (That might be a stretch, but one never knows....)

The most interesting thing about YouTube is how democratic it tends to be.  Almost anybody can put up a video, and it will get promoted if the creator's videos: (1) Get a lot of hits on the video, (2) The viewers of the video watch it for a long time, and that the viewers tend to watch the ads that go along with the video.  Once you reach a certain number of viewers and you have monetized the video channel, you can get a cut of their ad revenue.  It's amazing how much money one can earn by having a popular video on a popular channel.

Given my interests in trains and cruising, I'm tempted to create a channel called "One if by land, Two if by sea."  But it will likely be a dud....

Sometimes, I skip a day or two of blogging

Unlike many people, I do have a life outside of blogging.  It may not be much of a life (as FCP would likely hector me now if we were talking to each other), but it is my life.

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Lately, RQS and I have been discussing taking a cruise together.  But before I book such a cruise, I have to know whether she can accept me in Marian Mode as well as in the Mario Mode which she is accustomed to seeing me present myself.  And this means that RQS will finally get to see, in person, me presenting myself as a female.

Yet, this isn't getting in the way of my blogging.  Instead, it's because I am exhausted at the end of my work day.  This is also the reason I haven't been able to clean up my apartment in the way I'd like to.  Luckily, I've had a little free time in which I had the energy to do something, and I did just that.  Yes, it's just a start.  But it is some meaningful movement in the right direction.

Tonight, I had planned to do a big of cleaning in the living room.  Did I do it?  Not much.  But I did accomplish something that made things look like I could get the mess cleaned in a big Friday night session.  And if I didn't have to look at my computer before going to sleep, I wouldn't have even written this much....

Looking at vacations I want to take.

 

Here's a nautical mileage cruise I'm thinking of taking in the future.  I've been to most of these ports before, and it would be nice to visit the new ports soon with RQS as a travel partner.  

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Now that RQS and I have made a successful trip to Washington, DC, we have started thinking of taking another trip together.  A quick run to New England and Canada's Maritime Provinces is something that came to both our minds.  Unlike my last run into Boston with FCP, who insisted that I keep her son and future daughter in law occupied, RQS likes the idea of going to see "Old Ironsides," and have some clam chowder at Boston's Union Oyster House while in town.

I've never been to Sydney or Charlottetown, so these ports will be new experiences for the two of us. As for Halifax and St. John, we can always find an interesting excursion to go on in these cities.  But in Portland and Boston, there are things we can do without the help of the cruise line's excursions.  So, we have a lot more options than which are presented to us by the cruise line - but we have to be willing to make sure to get back to the ship on time if we exercise those options.

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Since 2022 looks like it is already going to be a busy year, I've already started to look at cruises for 2023 and 2024.  Right now, the cruise at the top of my list is a Panama Canal cruise through the Historic Locks which starts in Los Angeles and ends in Fort Lauderdale.  If we do this cruise (or I do it alone), it will be a great opportunity to get there a day (or two) early and see both my aunt and uncle.  They are in their upper 80's, and I want to see them while they are able to get around on their own.

 

 

The above 25 day cruise is something I also want to take sometime in the future.  Although it is scheduled for July 2023, I can't see myself spending money on another bucket list cruise this soon after the Panama Canal cruise I want to take.  Since I want to visit my niece (living in London) sometime in  2023 or 2024, I figure that this will be a 2025 trip assuming that this cruise is still being offered.

 

One way or another, I expect to be doing at least one bucket list trip per year....

Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

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This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

I'm a little concerned about supply chain issues getting worse.

 

Several months ago, I mentioned that it took forever for me to get this replacement head unit for my air conditioner. Supply chain issues prevented it from being manufactured and delivered in a timely manner. Today, I watched a video that makes me think that this incident may just be the tip of an iceberg...

One of the things I've noticed when I went to the beach with FH last years was the presence of cargo ships sitting outside New York harbor.  They had yet to cross under the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge and enter the Ports of NY/NJ for unloading. Today's video came from someone who seemed to be a survivalist by nature, but had a valuable insight to what's happening on the West Coast.  His most salient point in the video had nothing directly to do with the problems with world shipping.  Instead, it had to do with the Russia-Ukraine war.  Even though Russia is not well integrated into the Western economies, we lose a lot by cutting off trade with Russia, and he focused on their fish and fertilizer exports.  He also noted that Ukraine being a bread basket for the world.  Couple these factors with supply chain issues at major ports, and we likely will soon see major food shortages - even in the USA.

I feel that we will have to learn how to live with sudden short term periods of scarcity as supply chain issues work themselves out.  Smart people will need to learn how to maintain inventories of things they need, so that they have reserves for when selective items are temporarily scarce and hard to find. Strangely enough, this will pump up our economy while making things worse.  America has always been a land of plenty, and this period of temporary shortages will be a hard thing for Americans to get used to. It will likely cause major social disruption, as our culture defines America as THE land of plenty (for a price) when we're not in the middle of a world war.

You may ask, what does this have to do about being transgender?  The answer is simple.  When times get bad, people become more conservative and prone to populist insurrections.  January 6, 2001 was just the start of a problem for us transgender people, as people in "Red States" now feel free to enact laws regarding what we can and can't do with our bodies (think of abortion laws and transgender participation in sporting events).  As things get worse for the general population, politicians will make minorities like us sacrificial lambs to deflect attention from the fact that they aren't getting anything done to solve the problems average people face.

I can still remember the name calling that FCP did after the unfortunate dissolution of our friendship. In many ways, it showed the true nature of what she felt inside about me.  (Just drop the words of anger, and focus on internal definitions...)  We will see a lot of that in our friends as things get hard for them.  They will be saying that there are more important things to worry about than gender identity, expression, and preference.  And from their perspective, they may be right.  But from our perspectives, it reaches deep into our identities of self - and this could be a live or die issue for many.  I am lucky NOT to have severe gender dysphoria.  But what about those who do?  Can they live, much less, prosper in stealth mode?  I don't know.

As the fictional Margo Channing once said: "Fasten your seatbelts; it's going to be a bumpy night." I'd change that to say it's going to be a bumpy year or two at best....

Thoughts on a past lost to time

 

 
Something got me thinking about my former travel partner.  I'll admit that it was because of my stupidity that I lost her as a friend. Yet, I'm not really sure about the quality of the friendship we once shared.  Thinking back on it, there may have been a codependency factor involved that made the dissolution of the friendship more painful for the two of us.

I'm very glad that FCP has had two happy events occur in her life in the past few months.  And I'm sad that I couldn't be there to share them with her.  Yet, she's not with me as I explore things with RQS, building up a shared set of happy experiences..  We both lost a lot when the friendship ended, but this is a part of life.

One of the things that FCP said to me in the process of cutting off communications was that I did not betray XGFJ, and that she is glad that I am communicating with her again.  What she doesn't want to see is the fact that XGFJ betrayed me.   Although I have forgiven XGFJ for her actions, I doubt that we'll be any closer than we are now - two people with a shared past that have less and less to talk about as time pulls us away from each other.

- - - - - -

But enough about FCP and XGFJ.  There are other things that time has erased from my life.  For example, the older I get, the harder it gets for me to remember many of the details of my late wife.  She had a habit of saying "N double-A s t i" for "Nasty".  There were many more quirks that she had, but most of them have moved into inaccessible areas of my memory.  I miss those memories, yet it is a good thing that most of them are inaccessible.  It would be a bad thing to bore RQS with things about my late wife's life, and for her to bore me with things about her late husband's life.  We are only able to share the most important things about our late spouses' lives, and we understand the losses that the other has felt....

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the career I enjoyed (for the most part) for the better part of 40 years.  The opportunity to work as a programmer again is tantalizing, as it was the type of work I most enjoyed.  Yet, I'm way past my prime, and I would not gain much from retooling for work best done by a younger person. Yet, I could sacrifice some of the time I have left to me to end my working career doing the type of work that gave me pleasure when I started in the workforce.

- - - - - -

One of the things I miss since I've been employed at my present job is reading for the enjoyment of it.  By the time my day ends at the office, my mind is fried.  I've made so many micro decisions that I have no energy left to make any of the big ones.  This has resulted in an inability to clean up my apartment, and an inability to do much of the reading I enjoy so much.  Hopefully, by the time I get to take my next long vacation, I will have recharged my energy enough so that both my apartment has finally gotten cleaned up and that I've regained my ability to enjoy a long book.  I'd hate for these things to have gotten lost with time.

- - - - - -

All of us have friends and family we have lost over the years. Many of us have had to reinvent ourselves to live with a purpose in life. As for me, I live to learn - about myself, about others, and about the world in which we live.  From each loss comes an opportunity to grow.  And I intend to use those opportunities to grow instead of being burdened by them....

 

Dating issues

 

I can still remember the days when I was getting to know my late wife.  These were the fun days in our relationship, where the future was wide open for the two of us.  After she died, forming relationships became much more complicated, especially with my transgender nature now being a factor.  And still, I would love to be like the girl in the picture above, save another woman sitting across from me. My most recent ex-girlfriend didn't understand this.  Although I am comfortable in both gender presentations, my generation looks at people like me with a strange gaze.  People like me confuse many people, and often make them feel uncomfortable.

Recently, I have had "the conversation" with a woman I've dated (I would now do this before any relationship started to become serious), and she hasn't run away from me yet.  Can I say that she is truly comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  No.  She has yet to see me in person as Marian.  And I wouldn't bet on anything until she does.

As much as I am not sleeping around, I figure that I have to move forward with my life.  A couple of weeks ago, FCP sent me a message with a picture of her grandson.  Even though she still made a big deal about my stupid actions of the past, she brought up the ex-girlfriend.  Along with another comment made at the ex-girlfriend's son's wedding, I got to wondering - does she want me to restore a broken relationship with my ex, so that FCP can forgive vicariously?  Who knows?  But I feel I can reasonably assume that what passed between me and my ex in 2020 makes it almost impossible for us to be intimate again - in any meaning.  (Maybe, the next time FCP reads this blog, she can send me a private message?  Nah, this would mean that she wants to figure out how to build a bridge to replace one which was burnt to cinders....)  

Right now, RQS and CWS are at the top of my list.  And I've deactivated my OK Cupid account, so that I can focus my efforts on women with whom I have a good shot of sharing a good future.  RQS is in the lead, and we're enjoying each other's company.  As I said, I will not "Roach" these women.  So I'll have to be very careful to stay friends with one until I'm absolutely sure that I'm in a solid relationship.

Introducing someone to a YouTube personality

 

Years ago, America was introduced to Julia Child by her long running series on PBS, "The French Chef". At that time, only a limited number of "experts" (and I'll give her credit for becoming one) could command a television audience due to the limited number of outlets that could carry a show at a given time.  Today, things are much different because of internet video streaming technology.

Before my kerfuffle with my former cruise partner (FCP), she made me aware of an internet personality who had just been given a cable network series - Dr. Pimple Popper.  It's hard to believe that a network would host her show, much less that people will pay $1.99/month for "All Access" videos.  Yet, this woman gets her audience.  Our curious nature makes it hard to turn away from the "grotesque", and her presence is charismatic.  (It's good to know that she is a highly qualified dermatologist.)

I have gotten interested in Cruising videos lately, and I've turned RQS on to channels such as "Tips for Travelers", "Emma Cruises", and "La Lido Loca". She now understands what has been occupying my time when I get home and why I know a lot about the current state of cruising.  The authors of these video logs have become mini personalities in their own right, and have fans coming up to them on cruises to say hello.

One of my friends has asked for a little help in setting up a video log channel of her own.  If I decide to help, I will likely have to develop my own mini channel to see what it's like, then help her in setting up her channel.  It would be very interesting to see what would happen if I brought this blog into the video world - albeit in a small way.  But I doubt I'll do this, as I don't have that much to say anymore.

It looks like I have a new cruise partner

 

Ever since I had my dust up with my former cruise partner (FCP), I've not been in a position to cruise with anybody.  This has been good for me, as it forced me to learn how to better depend on myself instead of leaning on FCP to take care of certain things.  (In fairness to her, she always enjoyed getting a good deal.  And I hope she's continued to travel, albeit alone, meeting new people along the way.)  If we were still friends, she'd make sure that she would be driving me to the airport for my upcoming Hawaii cruise.  But there are times I'm very glad that I can make my arrangements without regard to someone else's preferences - my Hawaii cruise transportation being an issue I prefer to deal with myself.

Recently, I met someone who likes to travel, who knows about Marian and Mario, and who is willing to come along for the trip.  My new friend will pay their own expenses, and should be fun to travel with.  Unlike FCP, who'd spend most of her "At Sea" days in the casino, my new travel partner is not a gambler, and enjoys my company.  Hopefully, the trip we are looking to book comes off and that we have a good time of it.  It'd be nice to again have someone who is there to share a travel experience with me.

- - - - - -

Right now, I'm playing a YouTube video narrated by a fellow specializing in cruising.  He is talking about 2022 cruises (this was recorded in 2021) and the headaches of cruising with pandemic related uncertainties and pandemic related limitations.  So far, his predictions for 2022 seem to be proven true.  It's interesting to see how current reality compares with expectations we had throughout the early days of the pandemic for what might happen in its end days.

This cruise will be on a new ship for me (Norwegian Joy)..  Unlike the Norwegian Gem, this ship is more of a resort for younger people - it has a laser tag area, a go cart track, and other diversions geared for the younger generation.  But, like another new Norwegian ship, one can still have a mellow experience if one wants.  And I do want this at my age.

Unlike my last cruise, I will be traveling as Mario.  This doesn't mean I won't be traveling as Marian in the future.  It simply means that I want to find out more about the port I'm going to without getting strange looks (or worse) when I'm on foreign soil....

Odds and Ends for the month so far

 

Jack Benny.  There is an old joke about him getting mugged.  The mugger says: "Your money or your life," waits a long time for a response from Jack.  The mugger says "Well?" and Jack says: "I'm thinking!  I'm thinking!"  Well, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and want to get some off my chest.

- - - - - -

I find it amazing that shortly after I sensed that I had processed much of the grief over losing a relationship with XGFJ, that I started to sense grief welling up from the loss of FCP as a friend.  Yet, this grief was easier to manage, as I didn't have to process other grief at the same time.  There is only so much deep loss a person is equipped to deal with, and I had too much hit me in too short a time.

Things are going well with RQS.  She's far from the type of person I'd seek out.  She's not tall, she doesn't have blond hair, and she lives in an area where car ownership can be a big liability.  So seeing her becomes a scheduling issue - for my car.  Things weren't as bad for me when I dated Ex-GF-M, as her area was less densely populated.

Due to scheduling issues, I've again had to cancel going to some meetups.  Work, Co-Op board issues, and dating have gotten in the way of going to meetups - and I don't mind this too much.

I'm still ambivalent about quitting my job.  I like having new money come into my bank account, as I don't want to drain my savings accounts if I don't have to do so.  Yet, because of issues with my car, I have decided that I must soon start looking for a new car.  I hate doing this now.  But with a car that has 180k miles on the odometer, it's time to do so.  (My issues with the slow leak are the tip of the iceberg in this area.)

Assuming that I quit my job soon, I'm looking at taking a short Bermuda cruise.  Until I make a decision on employment, I won't schedule this cruise.

- - - - - -

As Jack would say: "I'm Thinking...."

Seeing an "old" friend.

 

It's been a while since I've seen my former student clinician from Mercy College that I used to develop my feminine voice. So It was a great pleasure to see her again and catch up on things.

But first....

I was a little depressed, as I noticed that my former cruise partner had deleted the "Congratulations" message I sent, finding out that she has a new grandchild.  So sad.  I doubt she'll ever let go of her anger towards anyone who may have hurt her (like me), and as a result, will never heal from her wounds.  I mentioned this to LK when we met, and she was a great "pick me up" when I needed it most.  And then we talked about her good news - her bun in the oven is healthy, and she can't wait to be a mom.  We talked about so many things in the short time we were together, and I'm hoping that we can get together early next month.

LK is a great person, and is now a great professional.  Yet, her pregnancy is getting in the way of her assignments (occupational prejudice), and there's not much she can do save to deal with it assertively.  She intends to continue working after baby leave, and I feel she will "easily" be able to handle the demands of both family and career. Hopefully, her partner will also step up to the challenge of raising a child.

I won't go into much more right now.  Maybe later on, if LK is OK with it.  (I learned at least that much from dealing with FCP.) 

Sometimes, I think about what I lost and gained.

 

I haven't played with the above toy in ages, and I don't want to spend the money on a monthly subscription.  Yet, if I were an artist, I'd subscribe in a heartbeat.  And with what I did on this run, I have an idea of what I want if I go for Facial Feminization Surgery sometime in the future.

Why do I bring this up now?

After seeing Amy Schneider on Jeopardy, I can imagine myself living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I have no need to do so. This group of pictures simply reminds me of the options available to me if I really desire them.

- - - - - -

But thinking of what could be also got me into thinking of what I gained and lost over the years.  For example, I gained and lost FCP's friendship.  She was very helpful in allowing me to grow as Marian. But she would likely have held me back from further growth.  I was lucky to stumble into a technology career that kept me well employed for 40 years.  Yet, losing this career due to obsolescence may have been one of the better things to happen to me.  It gave me the time and freedom to develop that part of myself that is Marian.  And even being married, then widowed, taught me that I could love and be loved - something I never would have dreamed of when I was young.

When I was young, I had all the options in the world.  Now, I'm playing out my cards.  With this being said, I appreciate what I have even more than I once did, because of what I've gained and lost through life's experiences.

- - - - - -

One of the transgender people I've met took advantage of her remaining male assets well into her transition - at least, until she had her bottom surgery.  To me, if one has enough gender dysphoria to need full transition, one should be very comfortable living with all the sacrifices one makes to have that transition.  Everyone has to make tradeoffs, and that transgender woman realized what she was losing in order to gain a life as a functioning woman.  I have to give her a lot of credit, as she had vocal surgery in addition to bottom surgery to be the woman she now sees in the mirror.  Another transgender woman has gone in the opposite direction, deciding to keep her "equipment", as she doesn't want to give up the ability to enjoy an orgasm.  These two women are playing out their cards the best way they can, and I wish them the best lives they can lead.

Looking at myself, I have lost potentially good relationships because of who and what I am.  Some of these women had no idea of what they really wanted when meeting me, and stayed around for much longer than they should have done if they had their acts together.  Yet, with romance out of the way, I have developed a better relationship with a couple of women, than had we clicked romantically.  Go figure....

- - - - - -

Life is a matter of tradeoffs, and we all make them.  We gain a lot, and lose a lot from these tradeoffs. I'm hoping that the choices I will be making in the future give me more gains than losses....