Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

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Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

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Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

"Dating" as Marian.

This weekend, I met a woman who responded to my "Marian Mode" personal ad.  Not half as many women bother to contact me, as most are put off by the idea of a gender non-conforming mate.  Given our culture, I can't blame them - we put way too much emphasis on what a person wears, and not enough emphasis on what the person is inside.

- - - - - -

It's not easy being a single person who prefers to appear as that of the gender one prefers to date.  If my wife had lived, I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in a dress.  Sadly, I wasted 5 years on one girlfriend because of this.  But I was lucky when I told one woman on our second date, that she knew she couldn't deal with it - and we parted as friends.

This new woman has seen a little bit of everything, and is a transplanted New Yorker who just happens to enjoy life in the Hudson Valley - as I do.  However, I know not to count my chickens before they hatch - there are many other reasons why this woman may not find me appropriate dating material.  Luckily, my clothing preference wouldn't be an issue with her.

The big question always becomes - how do I break this secret to a woman when she starts to find me interesting enough to see several times?  In the case of one woman, several women said that I was the better dresser, and maybe a little prettier as well.  Although I could not agree with the latter part of that statement, I can only imagine what this woman would feel seeing me as Marian.

A few weeks ago, I dated another woman who couldn't deal with having a bi-gendered person as a partner.  Since she had issues that would take her off of my "dateable" list, we became  friends and have seen each other several times since then.  Women can deal with a transgendered friend much more than they can deal with that same person (even in the mode they prefer) as a partner.  I guess this is where female identity is weakest - they can't imagine why any "man" would ever want to be a woman.  And if they can do so, they feel very uncomfortable partnering with someone who feels this way. 

Sadly, people like me are "Neither fish nor fowl."  But that's OK with me.  It takes a special type of confidence to partner with a person like me, and a partner who can do so is worth more than her weight in gold and diamonds.

Vacation planning is a pain this year.

I love New England and Atlantic Canada for vacation visits.  Sadly, Canada is closed off until America gets the virus under control.  As long as Trump is in power AND the GOP has veto power over any reasonable ways to deal with the mess the pandemic has caused, I will not be able to take a cruise to Nova Scotia.  Luckily, most of New England is still open to us New Yorkers.

On August 1st, Hawaii is open to visitors again.  However, people must have the results of a Coronavirus test taken within the past 72 hours - no testing will be done upon arrival.  This means that it doesn't yet make sense to schedule a Hawaii vacation.  Yet, I may consider doing the research to flying to Hawaii, stay in Honolulu for a few days, and then travel to the Big Island for some more exploring.  If I do it this way, I may end up spending as much money as I would have on the cruise, but have a more flexible schedule to work with.

If I schedule the cruise in the near future, I have a question yet to be resolved - would the woman I've been seeing still be with me at that time?  I plan to tell her about my bi-gendered nature in the near future, as she has a right to know this about me before we get physically intimate.  If this woman can accept me in both modes, this would be a perfect trip for us, as she has never been to Hawaii.

Right now, I'm assuming that the Census Bureau will start laying us off sometime in September.  If my employment ends around Labor Day, I'll try to make vacation plans for Provincetown, MA, and spend a few days there.  If it's a little later, I'll skip being near the beach and spend a few days in Upstate New York.  (I still want to get back to the Baseball Hall of Fame, as well as other museums that are open there.)  If Pennsylvania is off the 31 state New York quarantine list, then I might decide to see Fallingwater if that site is open.

TCL and I have discussed to trip to Cleveland a while back.  We'd stay with one of her friends, and then visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  I would have to do all the driving on that trip, but it might be a nice thing to do if Ohio is off the quarantine list later in the year. There are may things we could see on the way out there and back, and we wouldn't have to worry about the expense of hotel rooms.

Hopefully, next year will be a better year for planning a vacation.  

Socializing in the age of the pandemic

There is a certain loneliness in the above picture that I can not define.  Is it that of these boats waiting to be used?  Or is it that humanity looks so far away in the scene?  Either way, this image is a fitting metaphor for what is happening in the age of the pandemic.

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In Mid March, everything seemed to stop all at once.  Within less than a week, public activity went from "drive" to "park" - and the social engine was left to idle for several months.  It took New York State (with the exception of New York City) 3 months to "flatten the curve" to a level where most socializing could return to a new "normal".  Outside the city, restaurants were allowed to reopen indoor dining rooms at 50% of capacity, museums were allowed to  reopen with social distancing protocols in place, and public gatherings of 50 people (or less) were allowed to take place.  The isolation of those 3 months has put a fear into people which will be hard to remove when a vaccine for the Coronavirus is found. 

I've noticed that several meetup groups have reverted to online Zoom gatherings, as their members are still afraid of meeting in person.  However, the meetup group I've attended in person is maintaining social distance for its in person meetings, and I expect it to shut down for the winter when it is no longer feasible to meet outside.  I'll miss that venue.  But I'll find ways to get by.

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Even in NYC, I see gradual signs of reopening.  Some museums have developed protocols which will allow them to admit visitors again.  This is a good thing.  All too many people are acting out of fear than anything else.  However, this is a good thing when we don't yet have a vaccine for the virus.

In the South and West, the virus is still out of control. The Zoom meetup from Texas that I attend shows no sign of going away.  Ever since the virus starting spiking there, my pen pal friend is more reluctant to go out of her apartment.  (I can't say this for the rest of the group.) And the rest of the gang has gotten so used to these virtual meetups, that I don't think they will abandon this way of socializing anytime soon.

Over time, I expect that people in the South and West will see enough suffering that they will also get comfortable with the idea of another economic shutdown.  They will not like being told that they can't go to bars, restaurants, theaters, and other venues where people get together in close quarters.  But they will do so eventually - when the pain from having reopened their economies too soon gets too much to bear.

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You might ask - how is this affecting me?  Well, due to problems with an ex girlfriend, I will not be able to attend virtual meetings of "her" dinner group.  I can live with that, because I have developed other ways to meet my needs to connect with people in case of another stay at home order.  Luckily, I live in the Northeast, where the virus is being kept at bay. This means, I will be free to travel when my gig at the census ends sometime this year. Although I am limited to driving to some place in the Northeast, it's better to be able to do this now, than worry about being quarantined in the future.

Yet, the pandemic is affecting me more in subtle ways.  For example, I've never been able to hold the woman I've been seeing in my arms.  She lives inside NYC limits, and I have to drive her to Long Island, so that we can dine "normally".  People who would normally respond quickly to communications inside a dating platform are a little reluctant to do so, as they know that dating itself will be awkward until they have been vaccinated for the virus. 

As my readers know, I enjoy cruising.  Since Hawaii seems to have gotten the virus under control, it may be possible for New Yorker's to visit there without a mandatory 14 day quarantine. If this is the case, it might still be possible for me to take my Hawaiian cruise this winter.  Hopefully, this will be the case.  I really want to get Lei'ed in Hawaii soon!

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For the most part, all of this could have either been avoided, or the impact of this could have been much less severe.  We have our president and his GOP loyalists to blame.  We paid attention to science in the Northeast, paid the price to "flatten the curve" and are relatively virus free.  Outside the Northeast, they tended to follow the proclamations of power hungry politicians and reopened things way too soon.  As a result, residents of 31 states (as of this writing) must quarantine themselves if they enter New York.  If the Northeast was a separate country, we'd be able to visit most of the world, as our infection rates are as low as Canada, the UK, and most of the EU.  But this is not the case - we get hurt because the rest of America is not acting responsibly.

Hopefully, enough people will be sick and tired of the mess we are in, and vote the current dysfunctional regime out on November 3rd.  Then, starting January 20th at noon, we can get to the business of ridding this country of this virus, so that we can get back to normal living....

Moving Forward

This is all you will likely see of the woman I've been dating recently.  She is a very nice woman, and I'm not sure of if things will work out, and how far it will go if it does work out.  There is no need for me to wallow in the past, as doing so will only serve to make me unhappy about my losses.

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It appears that without negotiation, my ex and I have a working arrangement regarding meetups.  If I sign up for a meetup with the Live Music group, she will back away, as she doesn't want to see me as Marian.  Since she poisoned the well for me as Marian in "her" dinner group, I have no interest in going there as Mario.  In short, her extreme problem with seeing me as Marian has created a situation where she can have one group and I can have the other.  Hopefully, she will see it the same way as I do.

But enough about the ex....

Unless this new woman embraces the idea that I can be both Marian and Mario, she will be out of the picture.  For now, we've been enjoying going out to dinner and having walks by the beach.  You'll note that I haven't yet given her a "name".  The pandemic has slowed our "Getting to know you" phase of a relationship to a crawl - and that's fine with me.  I'm learning some of the things I'm lacking in social skills (I won't name my key flaw here).  And even if things don't work out, I'll have gained something by knowing her.

The big question is: How do I tell her about my life as Marian?  And then, will that be the end of "us"?  So many unknowns to deal with.  At least, I don't have a former cruise partner to get in the way of me keeping my head clear....

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.

The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.

Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

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One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

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Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!

Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds. 

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?

Coronavirus!

This virus has affected everyone.  For people like me, we have lost people near and dear to us.  For others, like XGFJ, they caught the bug and survived - some with long term negative effects. And yet, still others are asymptomatic.  It is not something to take lightly, yet some politicians have done so for political and economic reasons.

As recently as 3 months ago, New York was America's ground zero.  The virus was burning, and the only way to put it out was to deny it fuel - which we did with an extended quarantine. Now, the virus is burning hot in Florida and Texas.  Why?  It's because the governors of those states ignored medical advice from the CDC, and paid attention to Trump's need to show that America was open for business prior to election day.  People in dire economic straits usually vote out the incumbent party, and our president was willing to sacrifice the health of the nation in order to be reelected.

I've been in contact with friends in New York, Florida, and Texas, and only the New Yorkers seem to have a healthy perspective on things.  We still fear the virus, but we feel safe in a gradual reopening of the economy.  Compare this with Texas, where many people won't bother with face masks, and treat the act of wearing one as a symbol of a culture war.  Florida is even worse.  And these states are having infection rates such as New York had 3 months ago.  Even an ex girlfriend of 22 years ago is worried.  But she is stuck in Florida for now.

The other day, a tweet came across my path.  It showed a golf cart parade of Trump supporters being heckled by anti Trump people from the same community ("The Villages".) It's a damned shame that people have consumed Trump flavored Kool-Aid, as we will be suffering for years because of this poor excuse for a human being.  Because of this man's deliberate inaction, we are now in a situation where the Europeans (who are desperate for American tourist dollars) have decided to keep Americans out - to preserve the gains they have made against the virus.

I have both gained and lost things of value because of the virus.  No price can be put on the loss of a parent - I will always miss my dad.  However, I've learned that I do very poorly when I am idle.  I need routines to keep me busy, and I need a social network to keep me sane.  And I have worked to patch together such a network.  Not being in intensive contact with XGFJ for the past 6 months has taught me that I should never get too attached to someone.  There is a fine line between love and addiction, and only now am I truly starting to get over losing her as both a friend and lover.  As much as the pandemic hurt me, this may have been its greatest gift - the knowledge that she could love only part of me, not the whole of me, making her a bad partner for me.

I went to the dentist today, and he was surprised!

Normally, I would have done a "Half and Half" day when going to the dentist.  I had scheduled a weekday visit to the dentist (which usually involves me presenting as a male), followed by work (which usually involves me presenting as a female). However, in a chat with the dentist's receptionist, I outed myself to her, and she said that I should come in as a female one day - so I did!  And it was fun. More importantly, it was convenient!

Now that I am out to him, I don't have to do any more half and half days when going to the dentist - this will save me at least an hour's worth of time each time I get my teeth worked on.  And it is one more step in my path to femininity.  But is it worth it?

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A while back, XGFJ said that she feared me being on this path.  The reality is that she probably was never comfortable with me, but sent mixed signals throughout our relationship.  If she had bothered to express her feelings properly and negotiate, I would have set limits to how far down this path I'd have gone.  Now, I have decided to attend meetings of every meetup group that she doesn't want for me to attend - only because I need to show her that she has no right to demand I not attend these groups, her feelings be damned.  But I will attend only those gatherings that I'd want to attend because they do something for me other than rub her the wrong way.

I don't know if I'll ever get into "her" dinner group.  They like to pick known regulars over newcomers.  So it will mean that I have to keep trying for a while and hope for the best.  However, if there is a meeting open to newcomers, I'll try for it.

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I won't go into any details about work - that would violate my oath. But we're being kept busy trying to clean up the mess brought upon us by the pandemic.  In the past, I'd feel comfortable giving a census job to anyone who applied for one.  Now, if the person is immuno-compromised, or in one of the known risk groups, I'll look out for the health of the applicant over the needs of the census bureau.  At least, we are moving forward, having places to do our training. Hopefully, we will have a reasonably accurate head count, as required by law....

Life gets even crazier

Most people who know me are aware that I am an avid Marxist.  No, not in the economic sense, but in the comedic sense.  Of the brothers, I would have love to have known both Groucho and Harpo - but for very different reasons.  Groucho was an underappreciated wit, and a man who, sad as it is, didn't seem to have a happy home life.  Harpo was the exact opposite.  He was a man who was cherished by all - including his wife and children.  No one in show business ever had a bad word to say about him.  If I had to choose between these two brothers, I'd have picked Harpo as a friend.

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Casual readers may be wondering why I start off this entry with a mention of the Marx Brothers. Well, the answer to this is that my life seems to be like a script from one of their movies - a thin plot coupled with a lot of insanity.

In my case, things with XGFJ may be coming to a head.  A while back, she threatened to expose me to my family.  But I blunted that threat.  The other day, I signed up for a meetup with "her" dinner group, and she signed up for one with mine shortly afterwards.  At the same time, a mutual friend of ours (who might be interested in dating me) signed up for the same dinner.  I told her that I'd be attending as a female, and she didn't mind.  (I'll bet she knows a little bit more about XGFJ's views than she wants to let on, as I caught her in a statement that XGFJ made to me.)  So, to have someone I could count on in my corner, Vicki decided to join me for this dinner with "my" group.

Sadly, I have to plan for the possibility of XGFJ going ballistic.  She threatened to out me earlier in the year for attending any of the groups - and refused to work with me on a reasonable accommodation for her discomfort in seeing me.  Now that I have blunted her weapon, I feel no reason to accommodate her feelings.  She left me because I was putting my female side more and more in public, thinking I was lost in a "pink fog".  This was never the case.  But without her making her real issue understood to me, she gave up on a relationship that could have worked.  Now that the relationship is defunct, everything I might have done for her while in a relationship is off the table.  And that bothers her in the extreme.

At virtually all meetups I have attended in the recent past, I have attended them all as a female.  It wouldn't make any sense to confuse people by showing up as a male and letting things slip up.  (What would happen if I referenced something that only that person and my feminine persona would know?)  However, I have also signed up for meetup groups as my male persona, as a male presence would be required there.  (Think of singles mixers, etc.) Two of those groups are known to XGFJ, as I attended them with her early on in our relationship. And my presence in any of these groups bothers XGFJ.

So what would you do in my size 13-W shoes?

PS: Our mutual friend also signed up for the theater group that XGFJ didn't want me to attend. Again, she'll be seeing me in female presentation, so I doubt she has as many problems with it as XGFJ.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Miscellaneous notes from the home front

This Tuesday, I took the day off from work and walked another 2.5 miles (1.25 each way) on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  As usual, I took some photos and captured some "MOOving" images.  This post is my way of documenting some of the little things that have occurred that I felt worth documenting....

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On a recent trip to the Walden-Walkill Rail Trail, I met two ladies cycling on the trail.  We spoke for a while about the history of the trail and why there is a break in the trail.  Then one of them mentioned that she was gay and that she was riding with her partner.  That didn't bother me, I wasn't out to pick either of them up.  But it did give me an opportunity to show them a picture of me in female mode.  At that point, any awkwardness was relieved, and I waved them off as they rode back to their starting point.

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Recently, the host and hostess of our Thursday game nights wanted to try out some online gaming platforms.  So several of us logged on one Friday evening and had a nice time.  Too bad we weren't doing this during the worst of the quarantine.

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I think I will need to set up a new OK Cupid profile.  It's not that the old ones are bad.  It's that I've clicked through everyone possible, swiping right as needed.  Instead of doing this, I should have written messages to the ladies I am interested in, using a strategy similar to that which I'd use when writing cover letters and resumes - customization.  We'll see what happens if I bother to do this.

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Thinking of dating, I finally met a woman I've been chatting with from Forest Hills.  She's a nice gal, and it might be worth the effort to date her.  So I'll try to arrange another get together soon.

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Some of my readers might know that my ex girlfriend (XGFJ) had a big problem with the idea of me attending any of her meetup groups' gatherings.  She tried to blackmail me by threatening to expose me to my family as Transgender, so that I wouldn't attend.  Recently, I attended a gathering of "her" live music group (I knew the organizer from "my" dinner group) and had a nice time.  The ex hadn't gotten livid yet.  She now wanted to "negotiate" how we'd share our groups.  To me, that opportunity ended with her blackmail attempt.  The other day, "her" dinner group opened up to newcomers.  I signed up, and saw the following in a Facebook message:

I have said this before but you ignored what I said. We need to talk about you going to my meet up groups. You have joined 17 of my meet up groups. There are plenty of other meet up groups that you can join especially going south in Westchester.

Although I never attended that group's meeting due to XGFJ's blackballing me, I accomplished what I wanted - I sent a message saying that I no longer need to care what she thinks anymore. 

I won't go into all the crap that occurred over the past few months, but I believe that even though she claimed to want a friendship after the breakup, her actions said otherwise.  Without any relationship, I feel no obligation not to attend meetings in the 4 groups where our interests intersect - Dining, Music, Theater, and Hiking.  I'm taking Vicki's advice, and signing up for any event I want to attend, not worrying about XGFJ's feelings about my attendance. There is at least one event where we are booked to be at the same place at the same time.  I wonder if she'll bug out, as she did for a gathering of the live music group.

Yet... I wouldn't mind it if we could be friends again.  But I doubt that she wants a friendship. She can not see me as a male without thinking of me as a female.  Sadly, that makes her extremely uncomfortable, and probably makes a friendship impossible. 

Conundrum

It's not surprising that the word "Conundrum" has come up today.  I first learned this word when I read Jan Morris' book of the same name. And I find it amazing that I now have a conundrum related to my transgender nature.

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There is one person in my life with whom I have patched up a "sort of" relationship.  No, it's not romance anymore.  But several things this person has said makes me wonder if she's having her doubts about things in our past. Although I have already started the process of meeting people to date (Vicki says this might be unwise), I don't want to rub this in my "friend's" face.  (I'm not sure of what to call my relationship with this person anymore, for reasons I won't yet discuss here.)  So I'm very careful what I say when the two of us chat online.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a Zoom meetup with people from the hiking group that this person has attended.  (I plan to go on some of their hikes when I'm back in shape and have the endurance for their hikes.)  Today, I attended an in-person (socially distanced) meeting of the Live Music group.  (I met this meetup's organizer at one of my dinner meetups a while back, and invited me to come....)  We discussed the two dining meetup groups, the New Paltz group and the Beacon group.  The former is cliquish, and people have bonded tightly with each other.  Quite a few people have been bothered by this group's unwillingness to accept new people in Zoom meetings during the pandemic.  But the two key organizers don't give a damn about being open to newcomers.  The Beacon group is more welcoming, and Vicki wants to join me there.  Maria will occasionally go with me as well. 

Now that in person gatherings will likely start up soon, I now have a conundrum.  With the one exception of the hiking group, no one has seen me in male mode.  People would only recognize me as a female.  If I go to the New Paltz group in either mode, I will likely piss off this "sort of" friend.  Yet, if I let her tell me what to do and what not to do, I would lose all respect for myself.  We are not in a relationship - she has no right to ask me for this "favor".  If I go as a male, I might "out" myself if any one person other than my "sort of" friend connects my male and female sides.  If I go as a female, I would likely kill off the chances of friendship with this person.

What would you do?

Working as a woman

This picture was taken shortly before the pandemic.  The lady in the picture was one of my closest friends at the office.  And now, she's in the process of moving into the smaller apartment of her two family house. Her (and her husband's) dream is to live the RV life, pulling up stakes, and travel where and when they want.  Hopefully, they will be able to do it.

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Going in to the office as a woman was hard at first, when everyone in the office knew I was transgender.  There was no way to hide this fact, as all my correspondence had my male name on it.  Over time, I was accepted as just one of the girls - if not a vary large one.

It still feels a little strange to put on make up every day before leaving for the office.  If I were to have FFS, I would have an easier job of appearing as a female without makeup.  That will only happen if I were to decide to go full time.  By then, I'll have had to have lost about of a third of my body mass before doing this.  And that kind of weight loss will be a great effort for someone who has over eaten for all of his/her life.

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I figure that it'll be much harder for me to get my next job working as a female because of the now high unemployment rate. But I may just float a few resumes out there to see whether I get any bites.  If I do, I'll go to the interview and hope for the best.

Opening up from Quarantine

This dress is something I picked up from Catherine's, thinking it would be  perfect for summer. I sent a copy of the picture above to Vicki #1, and she said it looked great.  What do you think?

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Unfortunately, I wore the dress to work the other day. So I settled on wearing another outfit to work that I bought at the same time - an aqua gauzy shirt, with a breezy patterned skirt with aqua as its dominant color.  (Sorry I didn't get a picture of it before going to work.)  And this is what I wore before dinner with Vicki in Connecticut.

As virtually everyone is aware, the recent Quarantine has gotten in the way of everyone's lives.  My former girlfriend has had to make major changes in how she runs her small business, and she no longer has the physical endurance she had before contracting the virus and having places where she could regularly pursue her favorite exercise routines.  As for me, I've tried to go for walks on the days I have free from work, and am gradually building up the endurance I'll need to go on hikes with meetup groups in the region.

Back to dinner with Vicki.... 

We had different, but compatible, reasons for "chancing" this dinner.  I figured that going out in the early stages of reopening would result in the least risk of catching the virus before the second wave hits.  She believes that we must get back to living our lives, knowing that this wave will come, and that the hospitals should not be overrun with new admissions, now that the first wave has passed.  Both are likely to be true.  And I'm also at the point where where I think we should gradually reopen the economy until the second wave hits - then deal with that wave when it comes.

Our first problem was choosing a place to eat.  We needed an inexpensive place which had outdoor seating.  This meant looking through all of the options available to us in a google search, specifically noting "outdoor dining" as a requirement.  And we settled on Southwest Cafe in Ridgefield, CT as our choice.  Our next problem was seating.  We had to be sure to get a seat when we arrived.  The place took no reservations, but noted that they never reached their capacity limits. And the third, but minor, problem was my work schedule - I  got out of work at 5:30,. This left us a short time to make it to the restaurant on time to enjoy a leisurely meal.

Of course, it would have been easy for me to have stayed late at work.  As a non-manager, I am prohibited from doing so. This made it ethically possible to rush out the door at 5:30 and head over to Vicki's.  After picking up the money I'd need for the night, I had to take Route 129 to Vicki's and pass by the Croton Dam Park area.  In one sense, I'm glad that they have closed the park - the "tourists" will be taking their walks elsewhere.  However, we still see people wanting to talk with the cops policing the entrances, getting in the way of people (like me) who have places to go.  And yet, I made it to Vicki's by 6:00 pm.

After picking up Vicki, we got to the restaurant by 6:30, and were seated by 7:00.  Everything that came to the table was disposable - the plastic cups, the plastic tableware, napkins, plates, etc. were all disposable, according to guidance from Connecticut's department of health.  Yet, this wasn't an issue.  Both my drink and my dinner's portion size made up for everything.  I was glad to help a restaurant stay open in these hard times.  And I am looking forward to the days where Westchester will be allowed to reopen as well.

I won't go into the details of what Vicki and I discussed over dinner.  A casual reader of this blog will take things the wrong way.  But I can say that we had a great time, finally achieving some normalcy that we haven't had since Mid March.  One minor drawback was that she misgendered me in public.  It seems that I'll have to watch out for this in people now that things are returning to a new normal.  It took a long time for a former friend to get used to correctly gendering me when presenting as female, and I think that Vicki made a casual mistake of someone finally being able to relax in public for a change.

Exercise

Lately, I've been getting out and about on days where the sun is out and when I'm not working.  I've been trying to build up my time and distance endurance before I decide to do some serious hiking with groups in the region.

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Given that in male mode, I am bald, wearing a wig and going out for a long walk doesn't make any sense.  Without makeup, my face looks masculine, and that's not the image I want to present on the trails.  So I have decided to exercise in male mode.  😢   This is a hard choice for me, but one I needed to make.

Since the quarantine began, I've been out of the house as much as Mario as I have been as Marian.  It's certainly strange to be finding some practicality for my male presentation.  But with a life like mine, I'm used to "strange" by now.  But after one outing as Marian with a little bit of blush on my face, reality hit me in the face.  If I had decided to go all the way and have FFS, plus hair transplants, I'd be out as Marian.  Yet, I'm not uncomfortable as Mario anymore.  I can live in a half and half mode.

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Recently, people have started to go outside to enjoy the outdoors.  Theaters are still closed, restaurants are only open for takeout in New York, and there are few diversions open to the public, save for walking in a local park.  And the local parks have been overrun.  In the case of Croton Dam Park (and its vicinity), the park is overflowing with cars, the road stub which once crossed the dam is packed with cars, and the overflow from that stub led to cars being parked on both sides of the road for a half mile up and down from the road stub.  The county has had to put up signs to tell the public that this overflow parking is prohibited, and that cars will be towed if necessary.  This has caused me to drive further North to enjoy my nature walks.

Virtually all of the walking I have done has been North of me, save for two walks along the Old Croton Aqueduct.  I'll save walks along the aqueduct trail for days I don't have much time to drive to a trail head for walking.  Most of the time, I've driven North to places which are (at least) an hour away from here, such as the Harlem Valley Rail Trail, Walkill Valley Rail Trail, and Dutchess County Rail Trail.  Some of these trails are well maintained, such as the Dutchess trail. And others are poorly maintained, such as the Walkill Valley trail.  I wonder what the O&W Rail Trail will look like when I go there.  However, I will need to make sure to avoid certain sections of it for personal reasons.

- - - - - - 

Soon, I expect to see restaurants in the Hudson Valley open up, now that the region is meeting the governor's criteria for reopening the economy.  Once this happens, I'll walk a trail in the Kingston area and visit The Little Bear again.  Hopefully, they will have survived the shutdown, and will again be serving great meals.

I'm Back online again!

The above picture was taken on the Old Croton Aqueduct path.  Considering how many people have been out and about, now that the nice days are here, I usually have to travel far to find nice places to walk and get back into shape.

I've decided to reopen this blog, so that I can continue to journal my life as quarantine is gradually being lifted.  At first, I won't be publishing daily posts, as I don't have that much to say.  In addition, I won't have much to say about either of my two formerly closest friends, now that bridges have been burnt.

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To catch the casual reader of this blog up to date, quarantine has been hell for me, as I've been dealing with grief caused by the loss (not death) of my two closest friends, the death of my father, and the virtual shutdown of my social life due to the quarantine. I won't go into details, save that anger made me a person I didn't like being, and I had to decide to let go of many things so that I could move forward with my life.

Since I don't know if my ex will read this blog or not, let's simply say that before the quarantine, I had a couple of nice dates with a nice woman, but things didn't work out.  Lately, I've had some pleasant calls with other women, and it would be nice to see them after quarantine ends. 

Work at the census bureau has started to return, and I'm still adding money to my bank account.  If all goes right, I'll have saved up enough, that by the end of the year, I can take a Hawaiian cruise.  However, this poses several interesting issues.  I want to take the 3 day land + 7 day sea cruise tour deal, but an ex girlfriend from 23 years ago will be on that cruise with 3 of her girlfriends.  Should I take it and out myself to her first?  Or, should I simply go on the cruise and say nothing?  (I'm assuming that she will not recognize me as Marian.)  I'm gambling both that the net price for this cruise will drop due to cancellations, etc., and that things will open up for cruising in the fall.

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So much I could say, but not the time to collect my thoughts.  More later....



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A recent trip into NYC for dinner.

Scheduling a dinner with a friend is not always the easiest thing to do. The other day, I finally was able to meet Sarah in Chinatown for dinner.  We've met before, and it was nice to see her again.

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As you can tell, Sarah is a bit tall for a woman.  If I'm 5'10" or so, then she stands at least an inch or two above me. We certainly look like "Mutt and Jeff" in this picture, with me being the homely woman.  But that's because I have a lot of fat in the wrong places, and that I have yet to go on hormones.

Trekking into Chinatown is not the easiest thing to do.  This area of NYC is not served well by mass transit, as the subway lines stop about 1/2 mile away from any of the good restaurants. On a weekday, or if the sun was out, I'd consider getting off at the Brooklyn Bridge station on the IRT, then walk the "maze" passing by the city office building, the police headquarters, a church, and the federal courthouse over to Chinatown.  This path becomes desolated at off hours, and at these times, I prefer to walk along Canal Street because there are people on the street at all hours of the day.  At least, I get a mile or two of walking in whenever I go to Chinatown to eat.

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One of the things a person might not expect about the TG community is that not all of us are Liberals.  There are some of us who are much more conservative than I am, and that's because they do not live in a Liberal News bubble.  (I try to read information from both sides of the current political debate, but I draw the line at misleading reactionary opinions coming from the right.)  As much as I despise our current president, I can respect those people who tolerate him for extending the economic recovery, or those people who wanted a monkey wrench thrown into the political system.  I can even respect those people in the hinterlands, the mill towns where the mills have closed, who feel that the urban liberal elites have abandoned them.  But what offends me is willful ignorance, a belief in the propaganda being spewed by the likes of "Fox News" that they echo as if they were the daily orations of 1984's "Big Brother".  The longer I participate in maintaining contact with TG's of all political positions, the more I'm convinced that just as many of us TG's are making the same mistakes that the larger society makes as a whole - the mistakes which cause us to support our political tribes, even when their actions hurt us as individuals.

Why do I mention this?

Sarah and I come from different backgrounds and have different values.  And yet, we are able to have pleasant and intelligent conversations.  We listen to each other, no matter how much noise is in the background (as there was in the Chinese restaurant we ate at the other day.)  All too many of us look at each other as the enemy, and we don't make the effort to be civil any more.  Yes, I am guilty of this when I lay awake, alone in my room.  But in public, I try to make that effort to be as civil as possible - it's the best way of having a chance of helping another person's opinions to change in and of his/her own volition.