White Post Farms

Aren't these the cutest looking critters?  If they could be domesticated as house pets, they'd be a rival to cats and dogs.  But I digress.  Today, I'm writing about a weekend I had with the lady from Forest Hills and her daughter.

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I was supposed to order the tickets for this weekend event Thursday evening.  Due to a personal screw-up (which I'll blame on my own ambivalence about going further with this relationship), I couldn't get the 1:30 pm tickets for Sunday afternoon that I planned to buy.  Instead, I ended up buying tickets for 3:00 pm, and doing a big Mea Culpa for my screw-up.

Sunday came, and I drove to FH's place, picking up her and her daughter.  FH is a middle aged lady, while her daughter is a young adult whose voice makes her sound like a teenager.  (The daughter still has a lot of growing up to do, and I'm confident in her ability to make young adult mistakes and recover from them.)  So we drove to the McDonald's in New Hyde Park, where they saw one of the fanciest looking fast food joints they will ever visit.

Wouldn't you agree with me about this McDonald's?  When the town had its dispute with McDonald's regarding the potential tear down of the building, both sides came to an agreement to preserve it.  (Note: My mom was interviewed by a local TV station about this building and McDonald's.)  As much as I'd have like to have seen a full historic restoration of the building, I am happy to see it returned to life - even if it is a McDonald's.

We reached White Post Farms around 3 pm, and proceeded to go inside.  This is an experience best enjoyed by a (Grand)parent and younger children.  But we had fun there, in spite of the 80+ degree weather.  (Who'd have thought it'd be this warm at the end of September?) 

As you can see, this place has animals that the average suburban child will not see outside a traditional zoo.  And they can get up close to many, as a good number of these animals would be perfect in a typical petting zoo. 

It was really nice to see FH's daughter enjoying herself at the farm.  Hopefully, if we were to go there again, the weather will be a little bit more comfortable - I felt way too warm, even in a short sleeve shirt.

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Tomorrow, I go back to Marian mode.  It'll be nice to get back into a comfortable dress again!

A highlight of the week

It's been a while since I went to a meetup with the Fun Time Friends.  But this week, I finally was able to go.  And the headache of getting there was worth it....

Normally, I try to set a distance limit for meetups that I only drive an hour or so to get to a meetup.  However, once I reached Connecticut, traffic stopped moving. And what should have been a 70 minute trip became a 100 minute trip.  Since it was too late for me to cancel dinner with the group, I texted the hostess to let her know I was going to be late.  Although I was about 30 minutes late, this was not a problem, as people were still arriving for Milford's Restaurant Week dinners....

Unfortunately, I was not able to sit at the hostess's table.  But I can't complain, as I was able to sit with the great group of ladies in the picture above.  It was nice to feel acceptance as Marian again. People who do not know me treat me as an oversized lady.

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On the way home, I chatted with FL.  She's been dealing with a low grade bug for most of the week, and she had to cancel getting together on Saturday.  This is not a problem, as I am usually sleep deprived at the end of the week, and I need rest.

There's a part of me that can't wait for my census job to end.  As much as I can use the money from the job, I'm tired of this schedule. As much as I'm tired of the schedule, I'll both miss having a reason to get up in the morning AND having a place with good people who I meet on a regular basis.  When the census finally ends, I'll be able to do things with FL during the week - a benefit to having the census end.  My big question is - Is FL too good to be real?  She's making an effort to enjoy me in Marian mode, and liked the thought of going away with me in Marian mode.  Is she trying too hard to have a relationship?  If so, why?  It seems like there should be a red flag somewhere....

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Not much else to say.  More next time.

It's been an interesting weekend - and it began on a Thursday!

At the beginning of this weekend, I wasn't sure of how things would go.  There's a part of me that is very uncomfortable with the risk of letting FH go, so I can pursue a relationship with FL.  I still have to figure out where I stand with MH.  And, I have to keep my head clear for the last days of employment at the census.  So, I have a lot on my mind these days.

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On Thursday, I had a day off, and I took the opportunity to go for a walk with another woman who answered my personal ad in female presentation.  We had a nice afternoon together, and I found out that it is a very small world after all - she had done business with my ex-girlfriend before selling her old house, she exercised in the same building where my ex has her office, and she previously lived down the road from my ex.  When I asked her what she thought of my ex, she put her finger to her head and started twirling it.  This made my day, and I had yet to attend my Zoom meeting in the evening.  By the time we turned back to the parking lot, we were almost in Stone Ridge - and I was glad NOT to be too close to my ex's office.

I rushed home so that I could talk to several people, and yet have time to attend the Zoom meetup.  By the time I got in to the meeting, the host and hostess was about to leave, and control was being passed to my pen pal in Texas.  It was then I found out that the ex husband of one of the ladies had been sentenced to 3 life terms - he'll likely be "Bubba's Special Friend" before long.  Another of the ladies is in dire financial straits, and will need a quick influx of money to keep her in her home.  It's gotten me to the point where I may anonymously send her a few dollars to help her out.

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Friday came, and I was sleep deprived.  It was all I could do to stay awake at work. I was hoping to be able to hide myself away.  But I got stuck answering phone calls.  Most were from enumerators involving their work.  And I brushed off a news reporter, as we are not allowed to have the reporter come to our office, and we are not allowed to give interviews.  He was unhappy with how I treated him, but that's his problem and not mine. I was just doing my job.  Later on in the day, I made arrangements to see Vicki at a Sushi restaurant in Yorktown, and we had a nice night of it.  She liked how a dress looked on me, and I was glad that she suggested that I buy it.

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Saturday was another sleep deprived day at the office, and I had nothing to do.  So I surfed the web for the better part of my shift.  I scheduled a 6:30 dinner with FL, and we were at a restaurant in Briarcliff Manor until 10:30 or so.  Hopefully, things will keep going well for us, as she seems to be a keeper.  (And, NO!, I don't expect her to bob for cans of Foster's Lager from an ice bucket....)

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Sunday, I finally had enough sleep. When I arrived, I showed her my "Pregnant Phone", to explain the problem I had in talking with her the other night.  (Hopefully, I'll get the battery replacement from California by Thursday/Friday, so that I can have a fixed phone over the following weekend.) Then, FH and I went to Manhattan to walk around Greenwich Village.  .

It's been a while since I've driven on the LIE to the BQE, and then across the Williamsburg bridge.  So I was taken by how many things have changed since I was last on these streets.  Eventually, we found parking in the West Village, and we walked over to Washington Square.  Next, it was off to find a restaurant - and we ate at a small Indian joint which was doing its best to stay open with pandemic restrictions.  (I don't think t will survive the winter.  Hopefully, I'll be wrong about this.) At lunch, FH floated the idea of taking a trip to Amish country.  Although I said yes to the idea, I'm really not sure if I want to do so, as I don't know how far I should go with this relationship now.  Once done with lunch, it was back to Washington Square to enjoy people watching, and then to drive home.

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In the end, I will have to thank my ex girlfriend for setting me free.  Several of the women I've met after our breakup have only seen me in Marian mode and are very comfortable being with me this way. FL is comfortable with the idea of going to meetups this way and would consider a Hawaii cruise with me presenting as Marian.  Would FH be comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  who knows? 

Since I mentioned my ex several times lately, I have to mention that she is still avoiding meetups where I'm present as Marian.  She has a habit of posting a message, saying that she was sorry she couldn't make it, but had other plans.  I can only imagine what would happen if she slips up and sees me (as Marian) with one of the ladies I've been seeing.  Luckily, I'm in no hurry to see this happen in real life, as the last person I want to see is my ex.  That's one of the few things we can agree on these days.

There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

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This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

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Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

It'll be sad when the census ends

 

This has been the first real job that Ive been able to work as Marian.  And sadly, it will soon end.  Whether it ends at the end of September, as the Trump administration wants, or at the end of October as originally scheduled, it doesn't matter - this gig will soon end.

I took this job knowing that it was a short term gig.  It paid well. But there is nothing much left for me to do except pack up my belongings and take my leave.  Yet, I've made a few friends here, and I hope to get together with them in the future.

Sometimes you swing for the fences, and sometimes you play small ball....

The above picture was taken about 7-8 years ago, when minor league ball was being played.  I was dating a woman from Staten Island, and we had bargain tickets to see the "Baby Bombers" play at home.  Those were simpler times, and the eventual break with this woman didn't hit me as hard as that in my most recent relationship.

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Why, you might ask, am I referencing a relationship that ended 7 years ago?  Well, the Baseball analogy seems to fit with this picture.  When dating, one either has to go for the Thunderbolt of attraction.  Or, one has to go for "something" that grows over time.  I tend to make the latter choice, as I am too slow to deal with a Thunderbolt if it were to strike me.  And that is just as well.

In my last post, I mentioned 3 ladies: FL, MB, and FH.  I thought MB was no longer interested when she dropped out of sight.  Instead, I'd bet that one of two things happened: (1) MB had a date with someone more promising, or (2) MB got herself into a funk and was not in a good position to date.  However, I touched base the other day, and she responded this afternoon.  We exchanged a series of messages, and it looks like I'll be in a good position to see her again.  FH asked me to help her buy an air conditioner for her daughter's room, and I'll be seeing the daughter when I lug the machine into her apartment. This leaves FL. Yesterday (as I write this), I went on a date with her, and we spent a good part of the evening in each other's arms, talking on a park bench in Tarrytown after a nice riverfront dinner. Over dinner, FL mentioned that in a way, I am the best of both worlds: Someone who could be both a boyfriend and a girlfriend.  When I mentioned that I was thinking of leading a meetup to Innisfree Garden in Dutchess County, FL said she'd be interested in going with me.  I let her know that I'd be going as Marian, and she said she understood that. YAY!  But I now have a dilemma.  Is it time to start getting more intimate?

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I feel obligated to mention XGFJ in passing.  When we were fighting over meetups, I know I played my hand way too hard and I lost access to the one functioning dinner group in the Hudson Valley because of my ex.  However, I have access to the music group, and have effectively blocked her out because of her hatred of me as Marian.  The other day, I came off the wait list for a meetup, and she a couple of days later.  When she saw me as an attendee, she bailed, saying that she had made other plans.  I guess that as long as I am an active member in the music group, my ex will stay away.  I feel sorry for her.  She won't be free until she is able to see me again as Marian and confront her fears directly.  But that's not my concern - I have to make a decision on which one of the three ladies I've dated is worth gambling on, and if not, do I want to try for someone else?

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Over the past 8 months, I've been able to save a reasonable amount of money by working at the census bureau.  I have postponed taking time off from work for two reasons: (1) I want to save up as much money as I can while the census is willing to pay me to work, and (2) The pandemic has severely limited the number of places I can travel to without having to quarantine myself upon return. Recently, higher-ups in Washington have directed the census to stop counting people a month earlier than planned, as POTUS feels that the GOP will benefit from an under count in the urban (Blue) states. Today (as I write this), a judge has issued an order to temporarily stop preparations to end the census on September 30th, and continue with the "original" (pandemic adjusted) end date of October 31st.  If the October 31 date holds, I will likely save an extra month's salary (after expenses) and be better prepared for a time where I'm not working.

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And this brings me back to baseball.  Sooner or later, I have to choose which direction I want to go in my life and what I want to do when I get there.  Do I swing for the fences and go for a relationship where I can live as Marian 24x7?  Or, do I play "small ball" and take my gains when I can, but risking little in the process?  I tried the latter in my last relationship, and it didn't work out.  But maybe I can do a little better this time around. 

It looks like things are sorting themselves out

For the most part, time is passing and things are happening slowly.  Until the pandemic ends, I'm trusting that the slow march of time will help things change for the better.

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Recently, I mentioned 3 women I've dated: FH, MB, and FL.  It looks like things are slowly sorting themselves out.  I'd have liked MB to have been one of the last two to choose from.  But she has her issues, and I think she wants someone more physically active than me.  FH is a good person, but I'm finding that we may not have enough in common to keep up a lasting relationship.  Couple this with her location and other things I won't talk about now, and she might have to be dropped from my list.  And then there is FL.  Unlike my previous relationship, she did her research up front.  So, she's the one that may be at the top of my list.  

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One of the problems I've had recently is that I have no idea of when my work at the census will end. Well, I'm now sure that this part of my life will end towards the end of the month, and I'll be both sad and happy to see it go.  Sadness will be present, as I'll miss seeing familiar faces on a daily basis.  Happiness will also be there, as I've been paid to take up space as recruitment wound down.  As you'd expect, they had no way or desire to move me to an area where I'd have work to do while the place winds down.  So I spent much of my time surfing the web and reading books.

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As I've mentioned before, my niece is waiting for a resident visa to be issued, so that she could move to Britain and be with her fiancee.  The other day, I read that the USA and UK are working on a transit bridge between New York (and its low COVID infection rate) and London (to help with post-Brexit trade).  My niece may be one of the beneficiaries of this development if it comes off.

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Going out en-femme has become such a normal part of my life that I don't write much about it anymore.  Yet, there are still things I can say about it.  For example, I sent off a copy of my resume to a woman whose husband runs a business in lower county.  If she likes what she sees, it might be an opening to work another job en-femme.  This time, I'll make sure that only the owner (and his HR designee) knows of my legal identity.  This might be a great segue for me when the census job ends.

What I miss most about the "Old Normal"

With a title like the one above, one might think I was talking about having a girlfriend.  But you'd be wrong.  I realize that I don't miss my ex.  Instead, I miss being able to have closure in a dispute we were having.  She's not worth space in my head, and the memories I have being with her are not worth the time I spent with her.  

However, the above doesn't mention what I miss most about the "Old Normal".  If you were to ask me what I miss most, it would be the ability to be in places where people congregate and to be social. I miss the ability for my acquaintances to hold dinner meetups in local restaurants. I miss meetups where a small group of friends would play board games all night.  I miss being able to go into New York City to go to the theater.  And I miss being able to take vacations wherever I want to go.

A good part of my social life revolved around meetup groups.  I wouldn't think twice of going to more than one dinner meetup group per week if my schedule permitted.  Of course, I had a regular Thursday appointment in Yonkers to play games after work.  These groups helped me refine my feminine presentation and expression.

Although I can go to New York and visit museums today (they are allowed to open at 25% capacity), I am not comfortable using mass transit in the city.  So if I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met), I'll have to drive into Manhattan and try to find parking there.  This is something I don't like doing.  But I'll do this to have an enjoyable date with one woman.  However, I will miss being able to visit some of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan when I do this.

Most of all, I miss being able to travel where and when I want.  The pandemic has gotten in the way of that.  Cruising is out for the foreseeable future, and I feel I am limited to travel in the Northeast.  This wouldn't be so bad, but I want to get some sun and be able to wear my swimsuit again.  The Hawaii cruise I wanted to take is likely to be cancelled, and it is getting priced too high to bother taking.  Instead, I am now looking at a cruise scheduled for late next year, and am hoping to book that cruise before prices start to spike irrationally.

There are 4 words that I try to focus on when the "New Normal" gets me down....

"This Too Shall Pass."

And I know it will....

Miscellaneous items of note for August 2020

When I started blogging, I used to have a girlfriend.  Since I broke up with the most recent ex, it has been the longest period I spent without a "significant other" since my late wife passed away.  With the loss of two people I counted on in my life, I found that I was lucky to be able to date as a male - as bad as my cravings were to find someone new, it is much harder for the average female.  

Now that the pandemic has eased off for a while in the NYC Suburbs, I've been able to date several women, with three of them being on my short list.  Of those three, I have a strong feeling which one I'll end up with - and I'm hoping that this time, I don't make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

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As I've mentioned here, I've been working at the census since January.  Soon, this job will end, and I'll be looking for another job to tide me over to final retirement.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it working as Marian or as Mario.  But I'd like to be able to keep working as Marian, even though I'll have to spend more time and money maintaining my feminine appearance.  

Recently, I stumbled into someone who believes me to be female, and suggested that I apply for work at the firm her husband runs.  If I were to get hired, he'd have to know that I am transgender, and would also have to keep this a secret from the other staff.  (I don't mind people knowing about me.  I just want to control how the message is delivered.)  Yet, it would be very interesting to find work in private industry as a non-op transgender woman.

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If all goes right, my niece will soon have her visa and will be able to fly to Great Britain to start her life with her fiancee.  Both she and my brother will need to spend 14 days in quarantine before the wedding.  And I expect that this will be one of the happiest days of her life.  Too bad that this part of her life will start in a way furthest from her dreams.

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The other day, I received a message from one woman on a dating site.  (She responded to my ad, with me in feminine presentation.)  She said I was a hell of a person based on my profile, and wanted to meet me as a friend.  (She had just started dating someone new.)  I figure that I will meet her and develop a friendship.  If I stay in the friendship zone (as I expect), I'd ask her to just introduce me as Marian to her beau, and not mention my biological gender.

 

 

And soon, I must make a hard decision....

My current dating situation reminds me of some advice given by Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx. He advised a young man that: (1) He should find a woman who knows how to cook, (2) He should find a woman who will care for you when you are sick, (3) He should find a woman who will laugh at his jokes, and (4) He should find a woman who is good in bed.  But lastly, Groucho advised: He should never let these women meet.  Given the juggling I've been doing over the last few weeks, I feel like the man to whom Groucho gave his sage advice.

Let's call the 3 ladies I've been dating, FH, MB, and FL.  If one of these ladies ends up being a long term "girlfriend", I'll assign a new name for ease of reference.  FH lives on Long Island, and doesn't drive.  MB lives in the Hudson Valley, has seen me as Marian, but I've only met her twice.  FL lives in New Jersey, knows about my feminine side, has seen me twice, and is already interested in spending a weekend together.  All 3 of these ladies might be good choices for me, but each one has some unknowns that could derail a relationship. Things have come to a decision point with one of them, and I have to figure out whether I want to move forward with this relationship, or take a pass and bet on one of the other 2 working out.

One advantage that my most recent round of dating has had for me, is that it has helped me finally heal from the wreckage of my last relationship.  During the worst of the pandemic, my ex blocked me from accessing one of the few groups meeting virtually that would transition to in person meetups later in the year.  Of course, she couldn't deal with my existence as Marian, and grew to hate this side of me over the last year we were together.  So she did her damnedest to blackball me from one group, but she wasn't able to blackball me from the other.  In the end, we wound up in the same place had we negotiated a settlement between us, but with much more anger along the way.  

Of the women I've dated recently, FH is someone I like.  But I'm not sure if we share enough chemistry to move forward. We like each other, but I think the habits formed during the first days of "pandemic dating" may yet get the better of us.  MB already accepts me as Marian, and has yet to see me as Mario.  What will she think?  What would it be like if we were to get intimate?  Would she mind if I were the one to wear the silky nightgowns?  And then, that leaves us with FL.  She likes this area where I live.  Yet, I think she might want to live closer to her family in New Jersey.  Could we find a happy middle ground?

So many questions.....

Where can a zaftig woman shop now?

It's sad to see a store chain die - especially when it is one that you depended on for clothing that fits.  In my case, it was Catherine's, a brand of the Ascena Group.  This firm also owns the Lane Bryant chain, and will be keeping many of their stores open.  Unfortunately, there will be no Lane Bryant stores near me, nor will there be any stores left that cater to the larger, plus size woman.

Over the years, shopping has migrated to the internet.  For many, this has been a good thing.  But I've yet to believe that this is the case with women's clothing lines.  There is little standardization in sizes, and one firm's size 2X could be another firm's size 5X.  This is one of the many reasons why I didn't like a former friend buying clothes for me.  Not only did this former friend's taste differ from mine in important ways, but she didn't know how to make sure something would fit me (or look good on me) once it was given to me.  Her heart was in the right place for the most part, but she didn't understand that I didn't want to get caught up in needless gift giving - her friendship was the gift I valued most, not the goods she gave me.  Since this woman is no longer a friend, I have the memories of the friendship and some of the little gifts I found use for.

In the past, I never thought twice of making a run to The Avenue in Newburgh, Catherine's in Paramus, or any one of the many Lane Bryant stores.  By the time you read this post, The Avenue will have been gone for almost a year, all Catherine's stores will be closed, and only a handful of Lane Bryant stores will be left open.  Even so, it was a shock to see the Lane Bryant in the Palisades Park Mall in West Nyack devoid of 90% of its merchandise.  I thought that was going to be one of the few stores that would have survived.  But with internet shopping the way it is, and the Pandemic hurting Mall sales, I shouldn't have been surprised to see this store being closed.

Luckily, I get a lot of paper catalogs from "successful" online sales outlets such as Woman Within and Ulla Popken.  However, once I lose weight, I'll probably internet order the plus size offerings from Talbot's and JJill.  Eventually, if I get to a size 18 and stabilize at that figure, I'll probably invest in a few Eileen Fisher outfits.  But that won't be for a couple of years....

An interesting end to a week....

This past week, I had the pleasure of being able to get up late from Monday to Thursday, having been scheduled to work evening shift these days. Yes, I was able to watch my Perry Mason reruns, as well as a little bit of Morning Joe when I was awake by 8 am. But this is an aside to what my week was like.

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The week opened up with me having a discussion to the woman in Queens that I've had several dates with. We cleared up some things, and agreed to get together over the weekend for a sort of field trip to Eastern Long Island for the day. Next, I found out that the woman I dated from the Hudson Valley in Marian Mode wasn't available to lunch during the week, so we agreed to get together next week to do something. However, I found that she took her profile down from OK Cupid. Did she find someone special yet? (After two dates, I can't say it was me.) So we'll see when I am contact with her next. And then there is the woman from New Jersey that I dated for the first time last week. We have been chatting online on and off, and we scheduled a date for Saturday evening. This will give me just enough time to change into Mario Mode and relax a little before driving to the restaurant to meet her.

There was a diminished amount of work for me to do at the office. Will I be renewed for another 8 weeks? I'll let you know when I find out next week. Since I'm on the schedule for the whole week, I'm assuming this is the case. However, working in the evening has interfered with my ability to be on zoom meetups with my friends from Texas. Luckily, I am able to do this for a half hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays when things are slow at the office - I go out for my "lunch" and get on to the zoom meetup using my cell phone.

My original work schedule request for the week had me working evenings, so that I could take TCL to the clinic for an outpatient procedure. Unfortunately, this procedure couldn't be done at the clinic (I won't do into any details here - TCL deserves her privacy). So, I'll be taking her to the hospital for a different procedure to accomplish the same goals in September. Hopefully, this time, the doctors will be more successful than in the past.

After a quick lunch with TCL at the local Panera Bread, it was off to New Paltz for a meetup with the Live Music group. Traffic was much worse than usual (even for a Friday), and taking side roads didn't help much. In fact, my car started to overheat because of the hard driving I was doing, so I stopped off along the way to give the car a chance to cool down. (It's time that I consider buying a new car.) Eventually, I made it to the meetup, and I was 90% of the way to my ex-girlfriend's house. If I had known the place was this far out of New Paltz, I'd have skipped the meetup, as it was in the woods. And even with bug spray, I was getting eaten by the bugs - something I've always hated when hiking or spending time in the woods

While chatting with the gals in the meetup, I started to sign up for other meetups being held by this group. Although there was no conflict, I noticed that my ex signed up for events after I did. I won't say anything to her. But if she comes when I'm there, I'll note that she has her dinner group, and I now have this group. If she wants to attend while I'm there, she'll have to accept me in Marian mode. Otherwise, she can stay in her group and leave me alone. (Now, to figure out what to say if we're in the same place at the same time.) I only wonder what things will be like when the weather gets cooler. Her group will likely have zoom meetups, and this one won't. At least, I now have some ways of being in contact with people during a lock down.

It's easy to see that I haven't taken the time to straighten up my apartment. Not being able to lead a full social life has caused me to be a little depressed. And the state of my apartment reflects this. Sooner or later, I'll finally get around to cleaning up the apartment. Then, and only then, can I start things up with my cleaning lady again. I look forward to that....

- - - - - -


PS: I told the woman from New Jersey about my bi-gendered life, and she didn't run away. Instead, she did her research, and still wants to see me. There is hope yet.


PPS: The woman from the Mid Hudson region is still interested, but she is awaiting the results of a COVID test.

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

- - - - - -

I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

- - - - - -

This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

- - - - - -

As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life. 

It seems a little strange

It's funny how things have changed in the past few years....  The other day, I had plans to meet a woman for a date. Normally, this would not be an issue for me.  However, I was so comfortable in the casual female outfit I was wearing that I didn't want to change into male mode for this date.  What does this say about who and what I am becoming?  Although I finally changed into a pumpkin and went on the date, there was a part of me that missed being able to stay in my female presentation.  After spending Monday through Thursday working in female mode, it became hard for me to change into male mode - something I used to do much more often than I do now. 

- - - - - -

Recently, I received a message from the host of our Thursday night gaming group.  The family misses our weekly gaming sessions, and would like to host another outdoor session.  Hopefully, the weather will be good enough for a comfortable get together.  It will be nice to see everyone again.  I just wonder - what will winter be like?  Will they be comfortable having the usual gang in their house?  Or, will they play it safe and wait until there is a vaccine for the virus? 

Thinking about the gaming group, I'll soon be seeing one of the ladies from the group for lunch.  I have to treat this person with kid gloves, as I need to be sure if her intentions are friendship or something else.  I will entertain both options, but play the passive recipient of interest - showing my interest, but in a way that she has to initiate the next step forward.

- - - - - -

So far, none of the groups I'm really interested in (save Thursday night gaming) has had an in person meeting, other than the Live Music group.  And this group has several more meetings scheduled during the Summer - until the colder weather sets in.  Until then, I am registered for several meetups, while the ex girlfriend has stayed in her group for the most part.  And this suits me fine.  Sooner or later, our paths will cross and I will treat her civilly - as if I were meeting a total stranger.  (Actually, I'd be more friendly to the total stranger, as I'd have the possibility of making a new friend.  With the ex, I just want her out of my way so that she doesn't interfere with me participating in any other social activities.)

- - - - - -

WDJ came out of the woodwork a little, sending me this message a little over a week ago:

I'm going out today, need to shower, shampoo, get dressed etc & leave early so my time is limited. BUT if you give me a ph # where I can call you, I can talk a little bit-no gossip, just some straight up convo.
I wonder what's going on with her.  She has my phone number, so what does she want to talk about?  I know that she is now Facebook friends with the ex, so I wonder....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have 3, maybe 4, dating irons in the fire and I'll have to let some go soon.  The woman from Long Island is nice, but I'm not sure if there is enough chemistry there to make things work.  The woman I have seen twice in Marian Mode is nice, but I don't yet know enough about her to know what her baggage is.  And then, the woman I saw this Thursday is nice, has a similar set of goals as I do.  But can she accept me as Marian as well as Mario?  Of course, I should not forget the possibility of the woman from my gaming meetup - is she interested in me as more than a friend?  

- - - - - -

Given what 2020 has been like so far, I'd like to turn the clock back a few years and do a reset.  I spent too much time with someone who couldn't accept me for who I am.  I looked for work that I wasn't that interested (or qualified) in doing. And, I talked too much about someone else's life in my blogs.  I'd bet if I had made a few different decisions, I'd have been in a better place when 2020 came along.  Since there is no such thing as a working time machine, I guess I'll have to learn from my mistakes and prepare to make new and different ones....

Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

- - - - - -

Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

- - - - - -

Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

"Dating" as Marian.

This weekend, I met a woman who responded to my "Marian Mode" personal ad.  Not half as many women bother to contact me, as most are put off by the idea of a gender non-conforming mate.  Given our culture, I can't blame them - we put way too much emphasis on what a person wears, and not enough emphasis on what the person is inside.

- - - - - -

It's not easy being a single person who prefers to appear as that of the gender one prefers to date.  If my wife had lived, I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in a dress.  Sadly, I wasted 5 years on one girlfriend because of this.  But I was lucky when I told one woman on our second date, that she knew she couldn't deal with it - and we parted as friends.

This new woman has seen a little bit of everything, and is a transplanted New Yorker who just happens to enjoy life in the Hudson Valley - as I do.  However, I know not to count my chickens before they hatch - there are many other reasons why this woman may not find me appropriate dating material.  Luckily, my clothing preference wouldn't be an issue with her.

The big question always becomes - how do I break this secret to a woman when she starts to find me interesting enough to see several times?  In the case of one woman, several women said that I was the better dresser, and maybe a little prettier as well.  Although I could not agree with the latter part of that statement, I can only imagine what this woman would feel seeing me as Marian.

A few weeks ago, I dated another woman who couldn't deal with having a bi-gendered person as a partner.  Since she had issues that would take her off of my "dateable" list, we became  friends and have seen each other several times since then.  Women can deal with a transgendered friend much more than they can deal with that same person (even in the mode they prefer) as a partner.  I guess this is where female identity is weakest - they can't imagine why any "man" would ever want to be a woman.  And if they can do so, they feel very uncomfortable partnering with someone who feels this way. 

Sadly, people like me are "Neither fish nor fowl."  But that's OK with me.  It takes a special type of confidence to partner with a person like me, and a partner who can do so is worth more than her weight in gold and diamonds.

Vacation planning is a pain this year.

I love New England and Atlantic Canada for vacation visits.  Sadly, Canada is closed off until America gets the virus under control.  As long as Trump is in power AND the GOP has veto power over any reasonable ways to deal with the mess the pandemic has caused, I will not be able to take a cruise to Nova Scotia.  Luckily, most of New England is still open to us New Yorkers.

On August 1st, Hawaii is open to visitors again.  However, people must have the results of a Coronavirus test taken within the past 72 hours - no testing will be done upon arrival.  This means that it doesn't yet make sense to schedule a Hawaii vacation.  Yet, I may consider doing the research to flying to Hawaii, stay in Honolulu for a few days, and then travel to the Big Island for some more exploring.  If I do it this way, I may end up spending as much money as I would have on the cruise, but have a more flexible schedule to work with.

If I schedule the cruise in the near future, I have a question yet to be resolved - would the woman I've been seeing still be with me at that time?  I plan to tell her about my bi-gendered nature in the near future, as she has a right to know this about me before we get physically intimate.  If this woman can accept me in both modes, this would be a perfect trip for us, as she has never been to Hawaii.

Right now, I'm assuming that the Census Bureau will start laying us off sometime in September.  If my employment ends around Labor Day, I'll try to make vacation plans for Provincetown, MA, and spend a few days there.  If it's a little later, I'll skip being near the beach and spend a few days in Upstate New York.  (I still want to get back to the Baseball Hall of Fame, as well as other museums that are open there.)  If Pennsylvania is off the 31 state New York quarantine list, then I might decide to see Fallingwater if that site is open.

TCL and I have discussed to trip to Cleveland a while back.  We'd stay with one of her friends, and then visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  I would have to do all the driving on that trip, but it might be a nice thing to do if Ohio is off the quarantine list later in the year. There are may things we could see on the way out there and back, and we wouldn't have to worry about the expense of hotel rooms.

Hopefully, next year will be a better year for planning a vacation.  

Socializing in the age of the pandemic

There is a certain loneliness in the above picture that I can not define.  Is it that of these boats waiting to be used?  Or is it that humanity looks so far away in the scene?  Either way, this image is a fitting metaphor for what is happening in the age of the pandemic.

- - - - - -

In Mid March, everything seemed to stop all at once.  Within less than a week, public activity went from "drive" to "park" - and the social engine was left to idle for several months.  It took New York State (with the exception of New York City) 3 months to "flatten the curve" to a level where most socializing could return to a new "normal".  Outside the city, restaurants were allowed to reopen indoor dining rooms at 50% of capacity, museums were allowed to  reopen with social distancing protocols in place, and public gatherings of 50 people (or less) were allowed to take place.  The isolation of those 3 months has put a fear into people which will be hard to remove when a vaccine for the Coronavirus is found. 

I've noticed that several meetup groups have reverted to online Zoom gatherings, as their members are still afraid of meeting in person.  However, the meetup group I've attended in person is maintaining social distance for its in person meetings, and I expect it to shut down for the winter when it is no longer feasible to meet outside.  I'll miss that venue.  But I'll find ways to get by.

- - - - - -

Even in NYC, I see gradual signs of reopening.  Some museums have developed protocols which will allow them to admit visitors again.  This is a good thing.  All too many people are acting out of fear than anything else.  However, this is a good thing when we don't yet have a vaccine for the virus.

In the South and West, the virus is still out of control. The Zoom meetup from Texas that I attend shows no sign of going away.  Ever since the virus starting spiking there, my pen pal friend is more reluctant to go out of her apartment.  (I can't say this for the rest of the group.) And the rest of the gang has gotten so used to these virtual meetups, that I don't think they will abandon this way of socializing anytime soon.

Over time, I expect that people in the South and West will see enough suffering that they will also get comfortable with the idea of another economic shutdown.  They will not like being told that they can't go to bars, restaurants, theaters, and other venues where people get together in close quarters.  But they will do so eventually - when the pain from having reopened their economies too soon gets too much to bear.

- - - - - -

You might ask - how is this affecting me?  Well, due to problems with an ex girlfriend, I will not be able to attend virtual meetings of "her" dinner group.  I can live with that, because I have developed other ways to meet my needs to connect with people in case of another stay at home order.  Luckily, I live in the Northeast, where the virus is being kept at bay. This means, I will be free to travel when my gig at the census ends sometime this year. Although I am limited to driving to some place in the Northeast, it's better to be able to do this now, than worry about being quarantined in the future.

Yet, the pandemic is affecting me more in subtle ways.  For example, I've never been able to hold the woman I've been seeing in my arms.  She lives inside NYC limits, and I have to drive her to Long Island, so that we can dine "normally".  People who would normally respond quickly to communications inside a dating platform are a little reluctant to do so, as they know that dating itself will be awkward until they have been vaccinated for the virus. 

As my readers know, I enjoy cruising.  Since Hawaii seems to have gotten the virus under control, it may be possible for New Yorker's to visit there without a mandatory 14 day quarantine. If this is the case, it might still be possible for me to take my Hawaiian cruise this winter.  Hopefully, this will be the case.  I really want to get Lei'ed in Hawaii soon!

- - - - - -

For the most part, all of this could have either been avoided, or the impact of this could have been much less severe.  We have our president and his GOP loyalists to blame.  We paid attention to science in the Northeast, paid the price to "flatten the curve" and are relatively virus free.  Outside the Northeast, they tended to follow the proclamations of power hungry politicians and reopened things way too soon.  As a result, residents of 31 states (as of this writing) must quarantine themselves if they enter New York.  If the Northeast was a separate country, we'd be able to visit most of the world, as our infection rates are as low as Canada, the UK, and most of the EU.  But this is not the case - we get hurt because the rest of America is not acting responsibly.

Hopefully, enough people will be sick and tired of the mess we are in, and vote the current dysfunctional regime out on November 3rd.  Then, starting January 20th at noon, we can get to the business of ridding this country of this virus, so that we can get back to normal living....

Moving Forward

This is all you will likely see of the woman I've been dating recently.  She is a very nice woman, and I'm not sure of if things will work out, and how far it will go if it does work out.  There is no need for me to wallow in the past, as doing so will only serve to make me unhappy about my losses.

- - - - - -

It appears that without negotiation, my ex and I have a working arrangement regarding meetups.  If I sign up for a meetup with the Live Music group, she will back away, as she doesn't want to see me as Marian.  Since she poisoned the well for me as Marian in "her" dinner group, I have no interest in going there as Mario.  In short, her extreme problem with seeing me as Marian has created a situation where she can have one group and I can have the other.  Hopefully, she will see it the same way as I do.

But enough about the ex....

Unless this new woman embraces the idea that I can be both Marian and Mario, she will be out of the picture.  For now, we've been enjoying going out to dinner and having walks by the beach.  You'll note that I haven't yet given her a "name".  The pandemic has slowed our "Getting to know you" phase of a relationship to a crawl - and that's fine with me.  I'm learning some of the things I'm lacking in social skills (I won't name my key flaw here).  And even if things don't work out, I'll have gained something by knowing her.

The big question is: How do I tell her about my life as Marian?  And then, will that be the end of "us"?  So many unknowns to deal with.  At least, I don't have a former cruise partner to get in the way of me keeping my head clear....