A thought about a past love

 

 

I was going through my library of photos a while back. When I stumbled across this picture, I decided to scan it.  This was an act of providence, as I now have no idea where this picture was hidden by my pooka. 

The above picture of CSN was taken over 40 years ago, and it reflects an image of a woman I once loved when she was in her youth.  We were never meant to be together.  She wanted a man who could climb the corporate ladder to the top, and I wanted to climb to the top of the technology ladder.  Yet, I was poorly placed to achieve my dream, and I had no mentor to help guide me to where I wanted to go.  In short, youth did not give me the lens to understand the path in life I'd take, and I may have ignored any advice I might have received if any had been given.  This woman may have achieved more in her life. But, given what little I have found out over the years, I'm not sure if she led a happy life.

Why do I bring up this woman?  Well, our romance was one of those whirlwind things that started up quickly, and ended just as quickly.  It was zero to sixty in 3 seconds, then sixty to zero in another 3 seconds.  We had chemistry, but I was wise enough to realize that a relationship between people like us would be a train wreck.  But I digress....

The two of us were madly in love, and we had started to shop for places to live.  One day, I stayed overnight, but brought nothing to wear the next day.  This wouldn't be a problem most of the time, but she wanted to present an image - so she handed me one of her sweaters to present a new image for the day, and out the door we went.  Little did she know that this would be the first time I'd venture out in any woman's garment in public.  (Yes, I know that sweaters can be unisex, but that's not the point here.)  I wonder what she would think about me now, if she knew that I look better as a fat female than I do as a fat male. 

Occasionally, I do a Google search to see if any new information has popped up on the web about her.  In the past, I found that she sold fruit at a weekly farmer's market held at a church in Putnam county.  I also found that she once owned a small farm in Northern Dutchess county. But through it all, she has cobbled together some money teaching economics at colleges through the New York City area.  Given what I remember of her these reviews of her class fits the model of her style I have in my mind: 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECO202

😖awful

Sep 22nd, 2020

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: Yes

Online Class: Yes

I cant believe how unclear all her instructions are. Just started taking her course at DCC online during Covid. Her grammar is terrible. Even on quizzes I cannot understand sentences or questions. Directions are usually a small sentence that gives no structure, then she gives a bad grade on the assignment when it doesnt meet her standards. 2/10

Get ready to read

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON102

😖awful

May 15th, 2020

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

She's an awful professor. I didn't even sign up for her class but got put in it because of COVID. I couldn't understand a word she said and her slides were so unhelpful. None of her grading criteria made sense to me and she didn't post the homework, only that it was due. I would never take this person's class again even if it meant I can't graduate.

Graded by few things

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON101

😖awful

Nov 27th, 2019

For Credit: Yes

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Mumbles when she speaks. I promise you won't learn one thing from this class, and she has a sleepy time voice!! Very boring.

Lecture heavy

0

0

 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

5.0

ECON101

😖awful

Oct 20th, 2016

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Absolutely horrible teacher, she mumbles and you can barely understand her, doesn't thoroughly explain anything, she loses your work and your grades regularly. She plays movies and falls asleep in the middle of class. Highly recommend you stay very far away from her class.

Tough Grader LOTS OF HOMEWORK/TEST HEAVY

3

0

Yes, a person who doesn't communicate well will likely also have train wreck romances.  In my case, I found this person to be "full of herself."  I can easily believe that she falls asleep during class, as I'd bet she feels that that teaching Economics 101 is beneath her, because she feels that she should have a tenured position as a prestigious university. Yet, there is a part of me that would get a kick out of auditing her course in person after the pandemic ends, just to see what she has become since we were in contact.  Would she even recognize me after the decades?  Would the similarity of my male and female names trigger a memory for her? I doubt it....

 

 

 

 

The snow still is on the ground, and they still are moving it out of the way.

 

I wish I had captured a shot of the front loader lifting the snow into this pile.  And this was the shorter of the piles flanking my building. The pile on the other side must be another 3 feet higher than this pile.

- - - - - -

The first thing on the docket for the day was a visit to my doctor.  However, they weren't plowed out yet, and they weren't having people to come to the office.  So today's appointment was rescheduled for tomorrow, and it will require that I get up an hour earlier than usual.  At least, I won't have to spend the extra time getting made up as Marian to see him.  (He only knows me in my masculine presentation.)  

Again, I had to move my car for the driveway/parking lot to be cleaned.  So I again had to go out and take a drive.  This time, I was able to pick up breakfast at a local deli, and see some more freshly fallen snow before going home.

- - - - - -

Today, I sent the last of my paperwork to a potential employer.  However, I am still looking for interesting work, in a place where I'd get benefits for working full time.  Since I'm not working at this place yet, I figure that it would be best if I don't mention what I'd be doing on the job until I have started doing it.  However, if I do start this job as scheduled, my dentist appointments will be at the end of the day, and they will be (out of necessity) in female mode for scheduling purposes.  Luckily, he has already seen me this way, so it shouldn't be a problem.

It'll be strange working as Marian again.  The more I'm out in the world, the more natural I am in my feminine presentation.  Eventually, I'll have to answer a big question - do I want to give up being male forever?  (I'd keep my male identity to be with the right romantic partner - having someone who loves me is more important than being Marian 24x7.  But if she isn't in my life, there is little reason for me not to press forward on this path.)

 

The aftermath of a snowstorm

 

 

After I finished yesterday's entry, a neighbor kept pestering me about not moving my car. To make a long story short, I was not aware that people in tandem parking spaces (like mine) should move their cars before a snow storm, so that plows can push snow into the far end of these spots.  And my neighbor wanted to give me a piece of her mind for not moving my car, when I was not in the mood to go out in the snow....

When the snow eased off around 8:00 pm, I shoveled out my car from 18 inches of snow, and moved it into a nearby cleared out space, giving the plows a better place to push snow. Then, I went inside to rest.  This was not a night I wanted to communicate with people, but I had to respond to the ex when she messaged me.  She was wondering why I was quiet, and I didn't want to say that I wasn't in the best of moods to talk with anyone. So we exchanged messages for a while then called it a night.

- - - - - -

Getting up in the morning was relatively easy.  For the most part, I've been waking up around 8-8:30, just in time to watch Perry Mason in its many reruns. Once I heard the plow come to do a better cleaning of the parking lot, I took a quick shower, dressed (sadly, as Mario), and went out for a long drive.  This would give our snow removal guys the chance to clean out our lot and push all the snow into the back of our tandem spaces. 

While out, I had the opportunity to see fresh snow on the ground and to enjoy the sunlight while I could. Passing by the side of the Old Croton Dam (now underwater), I couldn't help but stop to take the above picture.  It certainly doesn't look like it's in an area within 50 miles of New York Ciry, doesn't it?  As I returned home, I met one of my neighbors, and we discussed some of the problems with the property - such as the wood on his patio deck needing to be replaced.  I mentioned that we are prioritizing repairs as best we can, and that we can't do anything about his deck until the spring.

Once in the apartment, I was in for the day.  As the roads froze, they would become less safe to drive on. And I had no need to go out again.

 

Twas the day of the snowstorm, and all through the apartment.

 

Sooner or later, I'll have to get rid of all the clutter in my apartment. What you can see in this picture makes the place less cluttered than it is today.  I've just been too lazy to pick up my mess, something I've been for about a year now, for reasons I don't plan to discuss here.

When I started this entry, it was the day before the storm.  However, I scrapped what I started to write, and left only this picture taken several years ago in my apartment. I figure that I have a little less than two weeks left to take care of what I need to take care of before my schedule gets screwed up.

- - - - - -

Although I can't say that I woke up with the sun, I can say that I woke up before my alarms started to make their noises.  I was glad of this, as my doctor's receptionist called to reschedule today's appointment.  So now, I have an appointment on a traditional doctor's day to play golf - a Wednesday. But to be a little more serious, I was glad that I didn't have to try to call the doctor's office to change my appointment.

When I finally looked outside, there was only a couple of inches of snow on the ground.  If I didn't know that the forecast said that the worst of the snow was expected around noon today, I'd wonder what all the commotion was about.  It's amazing how some people could be though. I received a call from a neighbor hinting that I should move my car to make it easier for the plows to shovel snow to the area behind my spot.  (If I had thought about it, I'd have parked in a visitors' spot last night, but I'm not in the mood to clear off my car, just to move it to another spot today.)  This is the first time I have received such a call, and I was a little leery of moving the car while it was snowing - so I didn't.  (This woman called me a couple more times until there was way too much snow on the ground to bother with moving the car.)

By the time 5:00 pm came around, there was at least 12" of snow on the ground.  This is when I started doing something constructive for the day - Laundry.  So I figured that this was as good a time as ever to perform a task I've been putting off for a week.  And this was the high point of my day....

 

The calm before the storm

 

Today was a day where I knew I had to do some shopping before the storm hit. I figured that it my last opportunity to go out as Marian before the storm.  So I showered, shaved, and made myself up before going out en-femme. After $85 spent at Wegmans, I have a well stocked refrigerator and some food that doesn't require refrigeration. If I don't lose power, I have soe ethnic food I can heat up and enjoy.  If I lose power, I have pasta and sauce to cook - allowing me to keep the refrigerator and freezer doors closed and keep the temperature at a safe level for a day or so.  Hopefully, I won't need to worry about having power over the next couple of days, as I am not in the mood to throw away food that spoils due to a lack of proper refrigeration.

As I write this, the weather forecast is calling for 12" (or more) to hit the NYC area. This will be the first big storm of the year, and the second one of the season.  It's too bad that I no longer have a cross country ski rig that fits me, as I wouldn't mind going out on the rail trail with freshly fallen snow on the ground.  (My ex likes to snow shoe through her 50 acre property, but that seems like more of an effort than it's worth.)  If I were in better shape, I'd go back to one of the cross-country ski areas of my youth and spend a day outside.

Tomorrow will likely be a day that I spend inside.  Maybe, I'll take the time to attack some of the chores. I'll let you know in my next post. But I can safely say that being transgender will likely not be the focus of tomorrow's entry....

- - - - - -

Many people in the transgender community look to a group of blogs for affirmation that they (the readers) can eventually go out in the world en-femme and not be looked on as men in dresses.  After a while, the novelty wears off, and real life begins.  My blog is a journal of a person who lives in both male and female worlds, and how I balance life between those worlds.

During this pandemic, I have not had as many opportunities to go out in the world as a female, as real world, in-person socialization has almost come to a halt.  So I cherish the times when I go outside and am treated as a lady approaching her senior years.  Hopefully, I'm setting a good example for those people looking to be out in the world, as I don't want people to think that their problems will end once they are out as transgender people.  My blog is a good example of how a person's problems can get more complicated because a person is "out".

I hope that my readers have learned one key thing about being transgender: One's problems do not go away because one is out.  Life goes on, but the rewards can be sweeter because one is living an authentic life.

 

A trip to the supermarket

 

 

Normally, I would have no reason to go to a supermarket in Brooklyn.  But today wasn't a normal day.  FH has heard me talk about the Wegmans in White Plains, and she wanted to see the one in Brooklyn.  So, it was off to Brooklyn to fill up a shopping cart.

Driving the 8.5 miles from Forest Hills to the Brooklyn Navy Yard takes longer than one might think, as there is always traffic on the Long Island Expressway (LIE) and Brooklyn Queens Expressway (BQE).  But the worst part of the trip is finding a spot in Wegmans' parking lot. (We didn't know it, but if we spent more than $15, we could have our parking ticket validated for the paid lot next door.) Yet, once we found a spot, we had a short walk to the store.

FH was very impressed with the size of the store.  The closest she could come to a comparison was Whole Foods, and that was a smaller store with similar (above average) prices. She was impressed with the variety of foods available in the store, including things such as Lobster Mac & Cheese, Sushi, Heat & Eat Mexican, fresh fish and other foods not seen in her "local" supermarket.

A filled shopping cart later, we were ready to leave the store for home.  (No, I won't say how much she spent, but I think she was a wee bit surprised when she found out how much everything cost.)  At least, it was easier to get back to Forest Hills than it was to get to Brooklyn.  And it was much easier to find a spot around 7 pm, than it would be a couple of hours later.

After having some Chinese food upstairs, we settled down to watch "The White Tiger" on Netflix.  During the film, FH and her daughter had a disagreement, and I was caught in the middle of things.  Without saying much, I was there for FH as she talked about some private issues.  And then, we finished watching the film.  I was pleasantly surprised that this film had a plot I liked, a good script with acting to match.  FH thought that my surprise might have been a prejudice against Indian films (which could be true.)  But I countered that I don't like the typical Bollywood film that breaks into a musical number at the most inopportune moment.  (I dislike most Hollywood musicals, and Bollywood takes the idea of a musical a few steps further than Hollywood ever could.) Thinking about it, maybe my film watching bias is towards cultures with which I am more familiar.

And then, it was time to go home.  As I drove down the hill leading into Croton, a sudden chill came into the car.  It's as if cold air had been trapped close to water level, and once encountered, the car's heater couldn't warm up the inside of the car quick enough not to notice a change.  

Tomorrow will be a food shopping day, as a big snowstorm is expected Sunday night through Tuesday morning.  I guess I'll have to postpone my doctor's appointment originally scheduled for this Monday.

Thank Bruce it's Friday!

 

As you can guess, I enjoyed "Bruce Almighty", though it hasn't been on cable in years.   It's a pleasant, mindless piece of fluff - something perfect for a night spent at home, where if you miss anything in the film, you can either go back a scene or two, or just keep playing the film.

- - - - - -

Today, I was awakened by a person looking for some paperwork from me - which I sent in (in parts) throughout the day.  If all goes right, there will be a job waiting for me in two weeks.  And it'll be something that stops the drain from my savings account, something that the census provided last year. However, this good news is balanced by some bad news - I still don't have income tax info (W2 forms) for the Census and for my Pension. I'm hoping that I don't have to start making a lot of phone calls to get this mess resolved.

Sometime towards mid afternoon, I ventured downstairs and found a box addressed to me.  In that box were the prescriptions I asked my doctor to send to the mail order pharmacy.  Yay!  Now I know that my problems with the health insurance company are over.  Hopefully, I'll be able to go to the doctor on Monday, given the storm they expect to come in that morning.

Eventually, I decided to go shopping for food.  Considering how cold it was, I figured that the car needed a good half hour run - and Stew Leonard's was perfect.  So, off I went to Stew's, and I returned with a full bag of goodies.  Knowing that I still needed stuff I couldn't get at Stew's, I stopped at the Stop & Shop for canned Chicken breast meat, so that I can make something filling if I can't get out Monday afternoon.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, I'll be seeing FH again.  It'll be another shopping day (for her) and she wants to see what the Brooklyn Wegmans is like.  I told her it's a big supermarket, but until she sees it, she won't appreciate it.  Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll be able to get some premade dinners that only need to be nuked.  Otherwise, it's my turn to take care of takeout....

 

The end of the week is coming

One of these days, I'll color correct all the Corel stock images I have on my disk.  I enjoy putting them up on my entries now and then, as they are wonderful photos of places I've visited (or would like to visit).

- - - - - -

Today, I didn't bother leaving my apartment to do anything.  If anything, the only thing I needed to do was to attend my Thursday night Zoom meetup, and catch up on my reading.  And that's what I did.  Although I woke up around 8:30, my day didn't start until 10:00 - and I was glad of that.  I wanted to be awake when I took care of using up the milk I had in the refrigerator (which would soon start to go sour) to make pudding.  

For the most part, this trans-gal lives a hum drum life.  This evening, after my Zoom meetup, I called Vicki, and we chatted about many things.  Unlike our last call, we had an effective time limit - she had to work in the morning.  So we covered some of the subjects at hand before calling it a night.  But one thing I can say - we'll be going out for a nice dinner soon, as soon as she's fully recovered from her recent illness.

Hump Day - For some, a good night for sex.

Mae West once said that it's not the men in her life, but it's the life in her men.  It's hard to believe that she was almost 100 years ahead of her time.  But her words still resonate today - even after they have been censored to fit the morals of her era.

- - - - - -

I had only one thing on my docket for the day, and that was an interview with an image scanning firm.  Everything went well, and I was made an offer.  Yes, the pay is lower than what I was earning at the census. But with my skill set being relatively worthless in this market, I'll take this job for a while to see if I like it.  It's not that I need the money.  Instead, it's that I need to keep myself active enough to enjoy getting up in the morning.

When I got home from the interview, I found an email from the employment bureau waiting for me. Since the email was addressed to Marian, I had to mention that I am pre-op transgender, and that my legal ID and photo doesn't match the image I presented on the interview, I had to ask if this was a problem - and it wasn't.  So I guess that my feminine presentation is better than I would have once thought.  Let's see what happens assuming that I'm on the job for a while.

On other matters, I have been in phone contact with two women from north of me.  One was from Kingston, and the other from Pawling.  I basically gave up on the one in Kingston, and Pawling may have dropped by the wayside.  What's really strange is that the Pawling phone number has been disconnected.  This is just as well, as both women carried more than their share of baggage.

And lastly, I had another fun online game night with YGD and some of her friends.  The Jackbox games are mostly party games, but they are fun when you have a larger group to play with.

 

 
 

It was the day before Wednesday, and all through the house....

 

I miss being able to get out to the California coast, as it holds many memories for me.  My late wife always wanted to live in San Francisco, and I scatted her ashes there.  If there's something that lives on after we die, I hope she's happy with the choice I made....

Sadly, the pandemic has put a damper on many of the plans people had made for 2020 and early 2021 (so far).  Things will start returning to a new normal during the summer. Until then, I'm finding it hard to write something new every day.  And this means that I sometimes play "catch-up" in writing new entries for this blog. Today's entry was a slight case of playing catch-up.

- - - - - -

The other day, I chatted with an acquaintance from Manhattan. The more I talk with her, the more that I think that I'll be culling her from my contacts.  She's one of those left wing liberals who have no understanding of how our political system got as screwed up as it is, and is as hard set in her conspiracy theories as her equivalent from the right.  This the attitude that upsets me when Pat and I get into our political discussions, as it ends up in a feeling of resignation that they have already lost their battles with the world.

Lately, my sleep patterns have been screwed up.  Often, I have been falling asleep in the late afternoon, and losing much of the early evenings to do things.  Then, I've been falling asleep before midnight, and waking up too late to do much of anything without risking not being able to wake up at a reasonable morning hour.  At least, I've been able to be conscious by 9 am - if I want to make the effort to do so.

For the most part, things have been quiet around here - and I hope it stays that way.

 

 

 

Monday, Monday - but I'm not complaining.

 

OK, so it's the start of the week. As usual, I stayed in much of the day, as I really don't like getting out of the bed until the afternoon.  

- - - - - -

When I looked to start my next letter to my meetup group's pen pal, I found out that I didn't finish last week's letter.  So I figured that I'd close up that letter, and send it out today.  Hopefully, my pen pal will enjoy receiving it.

On other matters, I ended up going out for the day as Marian.  I wasn't that busy.  It was a simple shopping run to the Wegmans in White Plains.  Considering that I needed to get some prepared meals for the week, it was best that I make the drive today, as the weather forecast for tomorrow calls for 2" of snow.

Arriving home, I picked up my mail.  Inside was the last 2 packages from my last order from Amazon - a chin strap for use with my CPAP mask, and a set of scissors for trimming nose hairs.  How interesting.  Yeah, right.  But these items are rarely found at the local drug store, and have to be ordered online.  I only wonder how people lived without being connected to the internet - and that's what we did until 30 years ago.  It's amazing how things have changed in our lifetimes!

Can I say that I did much?  Not really.  But I did get myself dressed up and out the door as Marian.  If I had more places to go, I might have gone to them.  Sadly, the pandemic is getting in the way of life - and will be doing so for the near future.

I saw a friend today, oh boy. She's a lucky gal who made the grade...

 

I had only one thing of note on my docket today, and that was seeing a friend who knows me as Marian, but who also knows that Mario exists.  It's always nice to get together with her, as I can talk about both sides of my life and yet, still be accepted for who I am.  FYI, this woman and I met on a dating site.  And though she is dating someone else, we have agreed to be friends and enjoy the friendship.  It's nice to know that there are some people who accept anomalies such as me, and I am gladdened that this is the case.

My alarms were set for 9 am, and I had to get myself moving by 10, if I wanted to make it to New Paltz by 12:30.  Given that I lollygagged a little, I texted my friend to tell her that I wouldn't be there until 1 pm, and that wasn't a problem. So I got dressed up as Marian (for the first time in several days) and made the drive North.

We decided to meet at the Clemson Brewing Company (formerly the Gilded Otter), and both of us arrived within minutes of each other.  Although there were people in the restaurant, no one was within 25 feet of us, so we both felt relatively safe.  We talked of conversations I had with a mutual acquaintance of ours, my trips to the city, her boyfriend, and of business in general.  (Did I mention that one of her clients is a firm I once worked for?)  

As most of us are painfully aware, the pandemic has affected businesses - some for the better, and some for the worst.  My friend's business has been affected for the worst, and changes going on at my former firm have made it worse for her.  Given her age, she is not yet ready to retire, and she is not in a position to jettison my old firm as a client.  To make things worse, they are trying to turn independent contractors into employees of a captive contractor, so that they have more control over these people. In one sense, this is good - these formerly independent contractors will get benefits.  However, it will gradually force them to jettison their other clients, and make them much more vulnerable to the whims of my old firm. 

Sadly, this conversation had to end, as she had to relieve her ex of dog sitting duty.  So we agreed to meet again soon, and I proceeded home for the evening....

It's the end of the week, and I hope things keep going well.

 

I find the news more interesting than most of the "entertainment" that is on TV these days.  But I'm not talking about politics, which can get quite boring after a while.  Instead, it's when the news outlet covers something other than politics - such as when a city shuts down its commuter mass transit overnight to save money.

This week, politics was the lead item for every newscast.  No, it was not because the Federal government was doing something new to screw us.  Instead, it was because the government was gradually undoing some of the messes that were made over the past 4 years.  I was pleasantly surprised that on the first day of Biden's presidency, that his administration rolled back some of the executive orders (XOs) which hurt the LGBTIQ community.   

Given that I ingest media which tends to have a center-left bias,  I can't help but feel good about what is happening.  However, if I were ingesting media with a center-right / hard-right bias, I might feel as if the world has collapsed around me.  The reality is somewhere in the middle - the operating bias of our Federal government has shifted towards the center, but with input from the left. A quick look at our president's nominees show that most of the candidates are well qualified for their positions.  However, if one looks from the perspective of our hard-right media, one would see candidates chosen because they meet a quota checklist.  Again, reality is somewhere in the middle.  When one has a surplus of qualified candidates, why not choose people that please key elements of the party's base?

Well, since this week has been pleasantly eventful, let's hope that next week is even better!

 

Today, I had to go out in the morning as Mario

 

Today, I had only one thing on my docket - I had to bring my new insurance ID card to my doctor and have the office request that the mail order pharmacy refill 6 prescriptions. This meant I'd have to go out in my male presentation.  Although 1 of these prescriptions did not need to be refilled until the end of February, I figured that I'd ask the office to have everything sent in at the same time, so that I could reduce the frequency of times I'd need to log on to the website and reduce the shipping charges by having as much as possible included in a single shipment.  By the end of the day, I found out that all was right in prescription land, and that I no longer had any indications that there was something wrong with my insurance.

Around 5:00 pm, I had just started this entry, having keyed in the first few keystrokes when I got my first call of the day. It was TCL, and our daily check in with each other. A little after that, FH called, and we confirmed our plans for tomorrow. And then, after an exchange of text messages with Vicki, my 3rd phone call of the day.  Vicki felt it easier for us to talk on the phone, and talk we did - for over 3 hours!  After discussing how I can still look like a woman while wearing trouser like garments, we shifted to a set of random topics.  It was nice not to have a time limit on our chat.  

One topic covered in our chat was whether one would be missed or not if one were to wink out of existence. I was discussing this with someone online earlier in the day, and I said that few people would miss me.  The best way to tell if one would be missed is to think of the people who call you on the phone.  The less you are called, the likely you would not be missed that much. This person (from the morning chat) dropped a bombshell on me that I had already figured out on my own - she felt less about breaking up with her ex than she did when breaking up with me. I won't talk much more about my morning chat.  But Vicki understood exactly where I was coming from.  It was not from a point of depression.  It was from a point where much of my positive emotional energy has been discharged due to the pandemic, without ways to fully recharge that energy by being with people I care about.  Since I don't want to give my readers the wrong idea, I am not considering anything drastic, save maybe to buy another lottery ticket.

I could say a lot more things about the chat, but I'll hold off for now.  I figure that I have to phrase things in the way they were meant to come out in the chat, and not how they would appear if these words were to be copied verbatim. So until then, I'll hold off until I can phrase these thoughts correctly for my readers.

I did a nice thing for my ex last night.

 

The other day, I signed up for a Zoom meetup via one of my meetup groups.  The organizer of this meetup only knows me as Marian, and we have attended many a meetup together.  While exploring meetup get togethers using Mario's ID, I found that my ex was attending the same Zoom get together via a different meetup group.  This posed an interesting dilemma for me. Do I back away, letting her crowd me out of a get together that I was invited to (in person) by the hostess? Or, do I contact my ex, and ask her what she thinks we should do.  So, I contacted my ex, and she backed out of this get together, saving both of us from an awkward confrontation that neither of us wants.

Without saying too much in this forum, I will note that my ex and I are on email/messenger speaking terms.  So I didn't want to ruin things by surprising her with me popping in to a Zoom meetup she was expecting NOT to see me. Ideally, we will be able to rebuild some sort of friendship again, and I don't want to screw that up by an unintended confrontation.

- - - - - - 

The games we played were from the Jackbox group.  Years ago, I used to have CD-Roms from which which the "You Don't Know Jack" games could be played.  I'm glad that the owners of this franchise were able to make the leap into online party gaming, as these lighthearted games are perfect for people trying to socialize online via Zoom meetups.  Given what I've been seeing on the TV lately, it looks like many of us will not get vaccinated until summer.  If that is true, then I expect that Zoom meetups will continue to stay popular for a while.

Tonight's gathering had 3 people from the Thursday night gaming group.  A college student made our 4th person, and it was nice to have someone new with us.  However, I don't think he'll be a regular, as he is a young person who shows the stereotypical traits of someone on the autism spectrum.  Does this young man have Asperger's?  I'm not trained to diagnose him. However, given how he described his roommate from a prior semester, I feel that he may fit that mold.

Next week, the meetup is scheduled for Thursday.  If that's the case, I might not be able to stay long, as I have my Zoom meetup with my friends in Texas.  This would have been a perfect time to show the ex that we could have shared meetups without conflict.  But I doubt that this will happen....

 

If I had the skill, I could easily write several books.

 

I am not a fan of Ernest Hemingway.  Every time I tried to get through his books, I hit a wall.  When I was younger, I enjoyed The Old Man and the Sea.  But I can't even get through that book now.  Yet, I find Mickey Spillane to be a much easier read, and more fun as well.  I'll jokingly describe many of his Mike Hammer tales as love stories - between Mike and his gun, Betsy.  Even his secretary, Velma, plays a background role in his stories compared with Betsy.

When I broke up with my recent ex-girlfriend, several people said that I should write a book about it.  That I will not do. I have good reasons for that, including the wish not to hurt her or any of the people whose characters I'd rework to tell my tale.  Instead, I have other tales I'd want to tell, such as a man who beats the Devil at 3 wagers but who doesn't want the prize, saying that he "cheated", having read Satan and Sam Shay. The Devil and this man develop a friendship based on mutual respect, as the man gives the Devil a way to both redeem himself and to cause problems for the God that cast him to hell.

Another story I'd want to tell is that of a man (or woman) who is a fervent believer in democracy, but ends up becoming a brutal dictator (temporarily) to restore the country to a state where democracy can flourish again.  When asked about the country he (or she) is leaving behind, Benjamin Franklin's famous words are used once more: "A republic, if you can keep it."

Of course, I could also explore science fiction, telling a tale about what aliens find when they encounter Earth for the first time.  This would be a wrinkle on the typical "Take me to your leader" story, as the secret to Earth's survival would be that we have outsourced self governance to artificial intelligences without the general public realizing it has done this. A second secret uncovered in this tale would be that the alien species also had to do this, and has come for its own benign reasons.

Unfortunately, writing takes a lot of practice, something I haven't taken the time to do.  I'll never be like J.D.Salinger, a man who gave up being a public figure and stopped writing for public consumption. If I were to make the effort to be a popular author, I would stay in the public eye and have fun with the time I was there....

400,000 dead and counting

SARS-Cov-19.  Why has something imaged as nicely as this caused so much trouble around the world?  The answer is amazingly simple.  People are not by nature to be consciously aware of invisible infections that take time to incubate.  For example, how many of us use the "5 second rule" when food falls on a contaminated surface such as a floor?  I'll bet that some of my readers follow this rule.  For many of us, if we can't see it, it doesn't exist.

As I may have mentioned in earlier posts, my dad died of the virus.  Sadly, he died before proper protocols were established to help keep people in nursing homes safe. My dad was one of 400,000 people (so far) to have died due to the virus, and still, many people believe this virus to be a hoax.  It didn't help that our 45th president modeled inappropriate mask wearing behavior while in office, as many people model their actions on that of the leaders of their tribe.

Now that vaccines exist to help arrest the spread of this virus, we still have to get 330,000,000 arms stuck, so that we can slow down the spread of this virus in the 50 states.  This will take quite a bit of time, considering that our 46th president has pledged to get 100,000,000 arms stuck in the 1st 100 days his administration is in office.  That is a tall order at best.  But what about the other 230,000,000 of us?  At the rate POTUS #46 has mentioned, we won't be done vaccinating our citizens until year end.  What would happen if this virus was the result of terrorist use of bio-warfare technology.  This is not so far fetched as one might think.  A few years ago, a similar scenario was posed in a work of fiction, A Brief History of the Dead. Would we be as complacent about getting everyone's arms stuck as POTUS #45's administration has been?  I'm grateful that POTUS #46 has chosen Dr. Rachel Levine, Pennsylvania's Secretary of Health to be his Assistant Secretary of Health.  Not only has POTUS #46 chosen a competent person for the job, but he has chosen someone who had the support of both Democratic and Republican parties for her office.  (And this should overshadow the fact that Dr. Levine is also Transgender.)  Pennsylvania's loss is America's gain.  And we should be happy for that.

I still hope to have my arm stuck before summer starts.  But I expect that there will be problems before that happens.  Hopefully, we will all be able to stay safe until we have all been vaccinated.  Until then, keep wearing your masks, wash your hands frequently, and avoid large, dense crowds when you can.

 

 

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Sometimes, I miss a former friend.

 

It's been a little over 15 months since my former cruise partner and I severed our friendship.  I will never go into a detailed apology for my actions, as I don't want to give her any ammunition she could use against me.  (She's the type of person who would try to destroy a person out of anger.) Yet, I once sent her an olive branch to suggest that we try to repair things.

The other day, I mentioned something to the ex girlfriend - that I threw out a framed picture I have of the former friend.  I don't want it anymore, and I doubt my ex friend would want it either.  There is a touch of sadness here, as my ex girlfriend doesn't understand why the my ex cruise partner and I couldn't patch up things.  The former cruise partner couldn't stand how I referenced her in my prior blog (she didn't like seeing herself in a sometimes harsh light), and I couldn't stand how she defamed me to at least two (or more) people I know.  There are lines which two friends should never cross, and we crossed them.

You'll note that the face of the person in the center of the picture is obscured by her hair.  I was lucky to have this picture of my former cruise partner in better times. (She wouldn't want her face exposed here.)  Strangely, it was on the same ship on the same itinerary where we had a problems several years later. One thing I know, I will never cruise out of the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal again....

 

Another Monday, another walk in the park.

 

If it weren't for the fact that I want to build up a better friendship with YGD, I'd have passed on going to a local park for a hike today.  My sleep patterns are totally screwed up, and I've found that I've been catching a few hours of sleep at random times through the day.  Since I haven't put on my CPAP machine, this sleep is not as good as I'd like it to be.  

With the above being said, I decided to stay awake and see YGD near where she lives - in Greenwich, CT.  I was pleasantly surprised at how many places are available in her neck of the woods for easy hiking, as this was the second place in Greenwich we've hiked.  I was even more surprised to find out that she does most of her hiking in the Hudson Valley.  Given enough hikes over the years, I'd bet that she'd have bumped into my ex girlfriend on one of those hikes.  But, without me trying to connect the two, there is no reason that this should be a problem for me.

As we started out on today's hike, I almost twisted my ankle and needed medical attention.  This is the one thing I didn't need to happen, as I'm still fighting with my insurance company to get my coverage straightened out. However, I was able to recover my footing in a way that didn't cause me to hurt myself. But it did made me hyper aware  of how I was walking for the totality of the hike.

If this were a normal day out in the woods, we might have gone somewhere for a bite to eat.  However, with the pandemic spiking lately, eating indoors is not highly recommended.  So we agreed to get together next week (weather permitting), and will look for a nice place to walk before then. 

Someone I know was getting her Covid-19 shot. I wish it were me!

 

 

Yes, another person I know was scheduled to get her Covid-19 shot today.  The way things are going, I'll be among the last of the people I know to get the shots I need to start living a "normal" life again.  

- - - - - -

It seems as if every time I chat with TCL, and I make a mildly negative comment about something (though I'm doing well) she asks why I am complaining?  To give you an example of this, I made a negative comment on the paperwork my brother and I will need to fill out to claim some of the money left in my dad's estate.  When I made the comment, I was thinking of my dad, wishing he was still with us and that the money was still his.  She focused on the paperwork as being a small price I would pay to have some more money in my bank account, so I shouldn't complain about paperwork.  The reality is, most of us complain a little about the minor inconveniences we have to deal with in life.  If these were big problems, most of us would act upon them as best we could.  Minor complaints seem to be the way we try to make ourselves a little bit more comfortable while dealing with the little bumps along life's journey.

In my case, I have a minor item to "complain" about today. Since my friend had her Covid-19 shot scheduled for today, it got in the way of me seeing her.  Kvetch, Kvetch, Kvetch....   Not seeing her today may be a form of a blessing, as we were thinking of walking around Chinatown a little bit.  Did I really want to bring my car into Lower Manhattan?  Not really. But I would have thought about doing so to have some time with her.

If I had known what this day would be like, I'd have considered going out as Marian.  But today ended up being a Mario day. Could I change into Marian?  Yes.  But I might as well do a load or two of laundry and relax for a while before going out again....

 

 

 

 

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