Looking back at two friendships.

 

The above picture is of me and my former cruise partner (FCP) who shall not be named here.  The other day, she came up in an exchange of text messages between me and my ex girlfriend. Although I can sense some of my ex's ambivalence about how we handled our differences, I know that she may be learning something by chatting with me this way.  Whether or not we end up being good friends again is up to fate.  But with everything that went on in my life last year, she may have been in a worse place without losing anyone important in her life. And that could be the explanation why she fought so hard then and why she is ambivalent about a friendship now.  But I digress....

The ex and FCP have met once during the pandemic and have chatted on the phone several times.  It seems like the ex inherits friendships whenever she breaks up with a man - and now she has FCP for a friend.  I know that FCP and I will likely never find a way to patch things up - and I can't blame her for feeling as she does.

Several days ago, I had a dream that referenced FCP, and it wasn't pleasant.  I feel that I needed to send an indirect message to find out whether she is OK or not. And thus, the mention of this dream to my ex. I'm hoping that all is still OK with FCP, as last the ex heard, things were OK, as FCP has hunkered down with her pets for the duration.

- - - - - -

You might wonder why I once sent FCP a terse apology that may have sounded "matter of fact" and nothing more.  The answer is simple: If I were to say a "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa" to her, she'd find a way to use the written word against me.  Thus, I don't want anything communicated in a form that could be used against me.

Regarding the ex, I want her as a friend, the type of friendship we could have had at the first time we broke up.  I don't push her.  Both of us still have some feelings that might complicate things if a friendship is rushed.   So I find it better to go slowly and work at rebuilding trust.  In our last conversation, I mentioned that there was a subtle wall between us during the relationship - and she gave as part of her explanation: "I didn't think about it."  People who build walls between themselves and others (and I'm including myself here as well), don't think of things that the other person feels should be obvious.  Over time, they may become obvious to the person, and by then it is often too late to fix things between the two people.  This is why I believe that an occasional argument between two people is a healthy thing - the walls we build are not started by our conscious minds, but can only be breached by our conscious minds.

- - - - - -

Some of my readers might remember that the big problems with the ex started with our breakup and how we handled things.  I am careful NOT to mention what's going on with my dating life with her, as it is none of her business.  If she were to ask, I'd give her the information she asked for, but I'd warn her that she might not like what she were to hear. (Whether she'd be pleased or not is not my concern if she were to ask the question.  But I think she'd be pleasantly surprised to find out certain things that I have not mentioned in this blog.)  Hopefully, this will not be an issue for us in the future.

As I've said earlier, I'm just trying to develop the friendship that my ex and I should have developed years ago.  Yet, at times, I feel that we're doing a delicate dance around an elephant in the room (not to be confused with the hose connecting us to our CPAP machines). Would either of us be able to overcome a fear of being hurt to risk opening up to a relationship again?  And if so, could either of us deal with potential rejection, or with a potential relationship failure in the future?  Right now, I'm only looking for a friendship, as that is the only realistic option open to us at the moment....

 

Will I be able to keep up this pace?

 

I seem to be burning the midnight oil lately, not going to sleep early enough and waking up too early.  Work is not easy for me these days, as it's hard to stay awake and do a mind numbing job.  

- - - - - -

Last night, I figured that I was going to go home, relax a little, and enjoy my Zoom meetup with my Texas friends.  Yet, it seemed like Grand Central station to me, as I did not manage my time well.  This is a skill that I think I've lost in the years since I had to work a 9 to 5 job.  (The census had a schedule, but it was not one of these jobs.)

The big question is: Will I get used to a schedule where I have to be up by 6 am?  I need to do all the things required of me to present as a female when at work.  In many ways, I am living the life of a woman with a body that was born with the wrong equipment.  And this keeps getting in my way in subtle things such as having to shave every morning. 

Yet, there are only a few things I'd change, one of them is living half and half, so that I could have a woman in my life who accepts me warts and all.  Being Marian gives me energy.  But being Mario can give me companionship.  It's hard to find a middle ground, but it's a place I need to find to have optimal happiness....

Sometimes, a vendor screws up fixing a screw up.

 

The other day, an online wig store I've used in the past had a sale that I missed on the above wig.  When I tried to use the every day discount code mentioned on the site, the code wasn't accepted.  This was not a big problem to me, but I wanted to buy my wig from a store with which I've done business before.  So I wrote the following email to ask what could be done for me.

Hi -

I am looking to buy the Upstage wig.  However, the discount code listed with the item today does not work when trying to check out and buy the wig.

Can I get the wig at the discounted price?

Marian

 

I received the following reply to this email, a good faith attempt to resolve this issue:

That's a great question. We love that brand too and we're so proud to offer it in our store. However, the owners of this brand has requested that they be excluded from the ongoing 30% off coupon we offer on our site.  We want to keep selling their products, so we have to go along with it. :-( 

We are allowed to run occasional flash sales on these coupon-excluded items, so keep an eye on our newsletter! This is the place where Heather sends out her best coupons every month, which are often much better deals than the ones offered to the public. It's easy to sign up, too! (If you're not signed up already!) 

Thanks for writing into the Client Care Help Desk! Have a great afternoon!

As a one time policy exception we have granted you a discount code Marian Johnson30% for 30% off on your upstage.

We hope this is helpful. Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate and let us know.

When I got around to using this code a day or two later, it was not accepted on the web site.  (I can understand why the gentleman could think that I was going to place the order as soon as I received the special discount code, so I'm leaving him and his firm unnamed.) Instead of asking this firm to fix its second problem, I decided to buy the wig from a different vendor, albeit in a slightly different shade than I would have otherwise selected.  Hopefully, I'll have a second reliable firm from which I can buy my wigs at a reasonable price....

 

 

 

Dinner with Vicki

 

Today's entry is a short one, as I don't have much time to write....

Now that I work 5 days per week, I don't have much time to get things done.  So, I have to take care of my errands at night and on weekends the way the majority of people do in this world.  It is a shock to me, as I haven't had to live according to a "normal" schedule for years. Yet, I plan to adjust to my new normal for a while to earn a few dollars and bulk up my bank account.

When the day began, I took it easy for a while.  I sent a message to Vicki and suggested getting together. And she had the time to do so - today.  Since I didn't expect that she'd be available until later in the week, I adjusted my plans for the day and scheduled dinner at a Mexican joint that I've gone to several times before.

I took care of little things such as laundry during the day, and finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed.  (Don't ask how long they've been on the bed.  Often, there is a pile of stuff on the side of the bed where a partner used to lay, and it gets in the way of me changing the sheets.)  And then, I changed into Marian mode for dinner.

Dinner with Vicki was nice.  But it was more expensive than expected.  It seems as if we're seeing inflation hit the restaurants that are surviving the pandemic.  In suburbia, limiting restaurants to 50% capacity has forced these establishments to raise prices subtly to help them cover their costs.  In today's case, a dinner which we expected could cost us $40-$50 each cost us $70 each.  Assuming that this is part of a trend, I expect that we will see fewer people being able to afford to dine out at the end of the pandemic, as the fewer surviving restaurants will be able to charge higher prices to the fewer people who are able to pay those prices to eat out.

Another trip to the supermarket with FH and her daughter

 

The store in the Brooklyn Navy Yard was the first Wegmans to open in New York City.  It's been around for a while, and it is easier to reach than I first envisioned.  So, when FH asked me to take her and her daughter on a shopping run today, I didn't mind doing so.

- - - - - -

FH's daughter is a pretty young woman, and has a long happy life ahead of her if she can conquer the demons in her life.  No, I won't go into the details here, but she has many of the problems often exhibited by a woman her age. My impression of her mom asking me to include the daughter on our shopping trip was that of a mother trying to keep her daughter occupied in a time of stress.

When I arrived in Forest Hills, FH asked me if we could stop by a doughnut shop so that her daughter could eat and drink something, so that her stomach wouldn't fight a uncivil war.  Throughout the trip to Brooklyn, the daughter was complaining of how ill she felt. And it seemed as if she would rather have been left at home to deal with her problems by herself, instead of accompanying her mother on this shopping trip.

Arriving at Wegmans, I let them off at the front door while I hunted down a hard to get parking space. Entering the store, I looked around and found the daughter on a motorized shopping cart for handicapped people.  She was tooling around on the shopping cart, while her mom was trying to select food for the week.  Surprisingly, FH's daughter seemed to calm down after a few minutes in the store, as the cart distracted her enough from her sick stomach to make this shopping trip almost a pleasure.  $230 later, we exited the store and headed home.  While on local streets, the daughter got sick, and we had to wait for her to be ready for the rest of the trip home.

Eventually, we made it back to Forest Hills.  We were lucky to find a parking spot across the street from her apartment building.  This made it possible for me to join mom and daughter in carrying the afternoon's purchases to the apartment and loading them into the refrigerator. Both FH and her daughter had unsettled stomachs for different reasons, and we hung out at the apartment until FH was ready to go out to eat.

- - - - - -

Dining out in the age of Covid-19 raises many questions.  One of which is: How many people in a restaurant are "too many" people?  There is a legal definition of "too many."  In NYC, a restaurant is limited to 25% of pre-Covid capacity until 2/28/21.  In the suburbs, it is 50% of pre-Covid capacity.  The restaurant I chose was less than 100 feet from the Nassau county line, and was subject to NYC capacity limits.  This, I thought, would keep occupancy low enough for FH to feel comfortable dining at the restaurant.  At first, she was comfortable.  But, people started coming in, and she was ready to leave the place.  As for me, I have not yet had my first vaccination shot, and I'm the person at greater risk.  Yet, she was the person who was uncomfortable as the place approached 25% capacity.

Once I was done with my dinner, we took a drive to Hicksville, and then I dropped her off at her apartment.  This was a night that I didn't go back upstairs - she was getting tired after a long day.  And I was just as happy to drop her off at her front door, since I was getting a little tired myself after a long week of work.

A year ago, things were so different.....

 

A year ago, things were very different than they are now.  For example, in the back of my mind I still had hope of getting together again with my ex girlfriend.  Today, I'd have to think long, hard, and carefully if that option were to present itself to me.  But that's the least of things I can mention today. My father was still alive, and I had no idea that he'd be one of the over 400,000 (and counting) Americans who'd die of the coronavirus over the next 12 months.

Both as individuals and as a culture, we would have to ask questions posed by a once popular song:

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Most of us thought that the good times we experienced prior to 2020 would last forever.  As the virus taught us, they were only fleeting things.  

- - - - - -

I spent most of 2020 employed at the census as Marian.  Recently, I applied for and accepted a job, working as Marian again.  Although this would have been a job better suited for Mario, I figured that I wanted to see how I would do in private industry without the official protections of a government bureaucracy.  Is this the job I really wanted?  No.  But it will have to do when there are 75 people (or more, in many cases) applying for jobs in both public and private sectors.

If things had progressed as most of us had expected, most of us would have gone on our usual vacations, not really noticing what they did for us as people.  Now that we've been largely isolated from others for a year, many of us feel it's time to get out in the world again, even if we are taking big risks in doing so.  I look forward to taking my Hawaiian cruise when cruising opens up again.  But I will not give the cruise lines a penny more than I have to for their products.

Travel and work are not the only things affected by the pandemic. Our nation's political future was affected as well.  Many of us gave our former present better than an even chance of being reelected because of the then "booming" economy.  The pandemic put an end to that, as the then president made light of the virus when people were more concerned about their lives than whether they had jobs or not.  How many of you think that our current president could have won the election if things were as they were in 2019?  I certainly don't think he'd have had much of a chance, as people usually vote with their wallets.  This time, they voted as if their lives depended on their votes - which they did.

 

- - - - - - 

2021 looks like it will be a better year for many of us.  Hard-line Evangelical "Christians"  are no longer able to use the federal government as a tool to attack transgender people.  We are on target to see most Americans have access to a Coronavirus vaccine shot by some time this summer. And we will soon be able to resume outdoor socialization when Spring comes.  We will be entering a time where a "New Normal" is evolving, a period where growth starts anew for both individuals and for society as a whole.  I look forward to this future.

 

The Snowman Cometh

 

Again, we have snow falling on the ground in New York.  But I'm not as inconvenienced by the snow as folks are in Texas as evident in the picture below. 

The left hand side of this Texarkana street lies in the state of Texas, while the right hand side of the street is in Arkansas.  Do you notice the difference?  Arkansas thinks ahead, and tries to plan for rare events such as this year's frigid weather.  Texas, on the other hand, takes a Laissez-faire approach and is often unprepared for extreme weather events.  It's hard to take pity on a state's residents when they keep electing scoundrels who have no interest in true public service.

- - - - - -

I woke up today after another sleep deprived night. The roads were clear when I drove into work, the salt spreaders were out trying to keep roads from icing over, and people were driving safer than usual.  No one wanted to get into an accident on a day where the tow trucks would have more than enough business.  Unfortunately, I was delayed on the way to work by one of these salt spreaders, as it blocked two lanes of traffic all the way from Croton to Pleasantville. Even with this delay, I still made it into the office 20 minutes early - enough time for a cup of coffee.

None of the people I usually deal with were in the office due to the weather. Yet, I was able to get some work done while fighting the urge to go to sleep.  However, I made a big mistake which could have been a big problem. Luckily, one coworker who was in the office resolved it for me, and I was able to proceed without incident.  Around noon, I realized that I had to pack it in for the day.  As I was leaving, I took my pocketbook out of the locker and screwed up the combination on the lock.  That'll be something to take care of when people are back in the office.

On the way home, traffic was moving very slowly.  There was good reason for this.  I must have passed by at least 3 accident scenes, with one of them being serviced by police cars, tow trucks, and ambulances. It made me glad that we had some daylight, and that I knew how to drive in bad weather.  

- - - - - -

Now that I am home, I'm going to wait for an alert from the office.  Sometime in the next 16 hours, I'll find out whether I'm going in to work in the morning and at what time I'll be expected to start work.  Until then, I'm going to relax and hope that my Texas friends will be available for our Thursday night Zoom meeting.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally got some work to do.

 

This was the third day in a row that I haven't slept well.  So if I didn't have my caffeine in the morning, I'd have fallen asleep while shadowing a more senior worker.  Luckily, I can have as much coffee as I want while on break or during lunch.  This means I can get as wired as I need to be to get through the day.

- - - - - -

It's nice to go into the office and be referred to as a "She".  Yes, there may be some people who shun me, but I haven't noticed that yet.  Instead, I showed a friendly appearance to my coworkers, and they have responded back in kind.  I still haven't decided if this is a place I want to stay at for the better part of a year.  But that's OK for now.   

My goal is to sock away enough money to pay for a Hawaiian cruise-tour on NCL sometime next winter.  Whether I go alone, or travel with a partner is not yet a material consideration for me.  YGM showed an interest in this cruise last year, and others may yet want to be a travel partner for this bucket list trip.  In the old days, my former travel partner would suggest a cruise to go on, and we'd plan things around that date.  Since we are no longer friends, the onus is on me to find a new travel partner for the bucket list trips.

Ideally, bucket list trips should be taken with a close friend or family member, as these are the trips one will want to talk about often.  When my wife died, I lost the one person who understood how I felt about San Francisco, as she was with me when I first visited the city.  Most of the trips I took with other women have been forgettable, as nothing much stood out about the places we traveled.  Yet, I can still remember a couple of the trips I took with my ex girlfriend from Rochester, simply because of the problems we encountered on our trips.  I'm glad that she's building memories with her partner of 22+ years, as they are doing the "until death do us part" routine without benefit of legal acknowledgement.

But I digress....

Today, I finally got some work to do after lunch.  And I was grateful to finally be doing some QA on scanned documents.  No, I can't tell you the names of the organizations we do business with. But I can say that they run the gamut of governmental entities, for profit businesses, and not for profit organizations.  Having meaningful work to do is a good thing, as it keeps my mind busy and awake.  (Now, if only I can stay asleep through the night....)

- - - - - -

Since tomorrow will be bringing a 6"-12" snowfall, I'm going to sign off for now and try to get some sleep.  More later....

Sleep - Something we all need, and never get enough of.

 

 

It's the second time I've used this picture in a while, and it makes perfect sense.  I felt like this model looked this morning when I woke up, and I could barely stay awake at work today.  AARGH!

- - - - - -

One of the problems with shadowing someone as she does her job is that without doing any activity other than observation things can bet boring enough to put one to sleep.  And I was in danger of this happening today, as I only had 4 hours of sleep the night before.  Thank god for caffeine!

I'm glad that I chose to report to work as Marian, as I feel much more comfortable in my female presentation.  However, after a full day at work and being tired, I noticed that I was not projecting as feminine a voice as I'd like to project.  This is something I'll have to work on again.  I'm not used to being tired at work anymore, nor am I used to the routine of this new office.  It will come with time, but it's not something I was really ready for when I started work.

When I got home, I chatted with a friend.  I realized that I'd rather be in a position where I can socialize more with people.  A receptionist position would have suited me nicely - but would it have paid what I get now?  If I were to get an offer to do this kind of job, I might jump for it. Until then, I'll sit at my computer screen and digitize paper documents. 

The start of a new job

 

Today's post is going to be quick.  I decided to start at the new job, and people are accepting me as Marian.  Whether or not my boss knows that I am legally Mario is not going to be an issue, given some of the paperwork that they had me sign.  This will be the second job that I've had working as Marian, and this is a good start.  However, I'm not sure that I want to stay there for long, as it is forcing me to again get up at 6 am, so that I can be at work for an 8 hour day.

Am I up to working an 8 hour day?  I still think so.  But "do I want the headaches and boredom?" is another question for another day.   Right now, I think I'll go back to bed and try to catch some winks before I am rudely awakened by the alarm om my phone.

More news on this soon....

I just don't want to get hurt again

 

In the above picture, I am very happy being out and about in the world as Marian.  It is something I don't plan to give up.  But I am willing to negotiate how much time I spend in this presentation - if I'm with the right partner.

- - - - - -

Looking at romance, I don't want to get hurt again, or to hurt someone else.  In my case, I have to be careful how much I open the door to communicating with the ex girlfriend, as I could fall for her again without a chance of her doing the same with me.  And both of us would need to be very sure of ourselves before taking another chance at anything other than friendship.  Making things more complex for me is my relationship with FH.  Is it a romance or a friendship?  It could be either one with her, and not something I want to risk at this time. (I'm pretty sure that it is a relationship that will end when the pandemic does, based on the evidence I have.)  But without anyone sharing my bed in a while, it makes sense for me to keep all options open for now.

When I woke up today, it was with the help of an alarm on my phone.  And I had forgotten that I had an appointment with Vanessa to help her with setting up Google Ads to promote her web site.  So I was very glad that she called to confirm things early on.  This allowed me to schedule my laundry runs properly, as I didn't want to go into my new office wearing dirty clothes.

Around 3:30, I made it out of the house and started my trip up to Dover Plains to see Vanessa.  And  I was glad that I started when I did, as I ended up having to fill up my car along the way.  (Who wants to look for gas in a rural area when it's dark outside?)  I made it up to her place around 5:15, and we got started on trying to find the right phrases and keywords to bring people to her site.  By the time 7:30 came around, we were both fried.  So I bid her an adieu around 8:30, and started my drive home.

- - - - - -

Now, I have to shift to a new topic at this point.  Earlier in the day, I was trying to make my first vaccination appointment for Covid-19.  One problem - New York's website was overloaded with people trying to make their appointments, and a flaw in the site was displaying possible appointments without preserving their availability for when one was selected.  As a result, there was a lot of needless back and forth in the application, where people like me were selecting an appointment time, and then being told that the appointment wasn't available.  I figured that I'd try to get an appointment later in the evening.

While at Vanessa's one of her clan was also trying to get an appointment.  Using the NYS hotline, she was able to score an appointment for tomorrow morning.  One problem - Metro North was not running a normal schedule, and this member of Vanessa's clan has to take an Uber to get to Westchester for the vaccination.  At least she has an early appointment.  When I got home, I used the NYS website again, and was finally able to score an appointment for early April in Queens.  AARGH!   This will give me one benefit - I'll be able to tell my boss that I need the day off to get my shot.

- - - - - -

Sooner or later, my life will return to a new normal.  Whatever that normal is, I don't know.  But I'm in a better place now than I was at this time last year.   

 

I'm reminded of an old movie with a hit song

 

Today, I don't have that much to say.  I was going back through some of my photos and the first photo popped up.  It's a view of a catering hall that once was a fancy restaurant.  Seeing the place in snow reminded me where parts of a movie whose set were used in two movies featuring the same hit song.

- - - - - -

As I write this entry, two holiday dates are coming up next to each other.  One is a social holiday where romantic rituals often lead to mating rituals.  The other is a legal holiday, where fewer and fewer people are given the day off due to the changing nature of American employment.  Neither day has much meaning to me anymore.  Valentine's Day is meaningful when one has a romantic partner who gives you comfort (however you define it).  And Presidents' Day is meaningful only if you have the day off for enjoyment.

Given that I'll be without a romantic companion on Valentine's Day and that I will likely be working on Presidents' Day, it's a big change from where I was 10 years ago.  But then, I was still in the closet, and worried about what people would think if I came out. Now, I can go to an interview as Marian, and not worry about what a person thinks of me.  Yes, FH still wonders why I want to go to work this way, and TCL probably thinks I'm a little nuts.  But this is OK with me.  Not all questions are meant to have simple answers....

 

It's too easy to stay in bed all day

 

 

With the exception that I sleep on my back, I often look as spent as this woman does as I wake up each morning.  And if I didn't have something to take care of today, I would have stayed in bed and rested....

- - - - - -

My docket was filled with one task - driving FH and her dog to the vet. This meant one thing, I had to get to her place on time, so that the dog could make it to the vet's on time.  However, FH asked that I arrive at her place a little bit early so that she could stop at the drug store beforehand.  So I didn't have the time I needed to find the Valentine's Day card I had lost in the clutter on my desk.  I figured that I could pick up a V-Day box of Torrone (Italian Nougat Candy) at the local deli - and they had run out.  AARGH!  Now I had nothing to bring with me, and I knew I'd have to lie a little, saying that I left everything at home.

Most of the way down to Long Island was uneventful, save for a traffic jam near the Whitestone Bridge.  I skirted around that jam on local roads, and made it to FH's house ar 2:45.  After our stop at the drug store, we drove to the Vet's office in Richmond Hill where we dropped the dog off for a while. 30 minutes later, it was back on the road, and off to another drug store to pick up her friend's syringes. And finally, we returned to Forest Hills.  FH brought her friend's syringes up to her friend's apartment, and she was concerned about how bad her friend's place was.  (It makes me wonder what she'd think of my place.)  They talked for 15 minutes or so, and then she came back to the car (where her dog was finally resting nicely on my arm.) Now it was time to drop the dog back at FH's place, and then go out to dinner.

Along the way to Herricks, FH brought up the topic of Gender Preference vs. Gender Identity and Gender Presentation.  She still thinks that I am interested in males as partners - and that's the furthest thing from reality.  But I understand the views of people who don't understand what being transgender is all about.  She's living with a misconception that many people have.  And that's one of many reasons I don't think it will work out between us.  We first looked into an Italian restaurant my dad used to like, and it was too crowded for FH's taste.  Then we went next door to the Korean/Japanese restaurant where we had a nice meal.  At the end of the meal, she was chatting with the waitress about "Chinese" new year, not realizing that many Asian cultures celebrate Lunar new year, and that to the waitress it was Korean new year.

There are many things might get to me if I felt that I'd end up with FH.  But for now, she's a nice person to hang out with.... 

 

Three Dogs and a Dinner

 

Well, I started off the day with scheduling issues, and things got worse from there.  No, not "worse" in the meaning of getting closer to a train wreck that's going to happen. But worse, in the idea that things had to drop so I could have dinner with a friend.

- - - - - - 

I don't get the chance to see my friend Maria up in the Kingston area.  She's the type of friend who accepts me as Marian or as Mario - and has always been good to me in the short time that I've known her.  So, when she invited me for dinner, I knew I was going to drop several balls. First, I was likely to be late in calling FH to confirm our plans for tomorrow. Second, I was not going to be able to make my Zoom meeting with my Texas friends.  Lastly, I was likely to be late to chat with a new online friend in Wappinger's Falls. It was worth the schedule disruption to have dinner.

Maria's house is in an old section of town.  Her house was built with materials you can't get anymore: 12" wide wood plank floors, exposed wood crossbeams supporting the upper floor, stone outer walls, and other things that I can't remember off hand.  From what she told me, the house was started in the 1700's, and expanded at least twice in the 1800's.  It's one of those old houses on which one should do as few alterations as possible, as one doesn't know what other intermediate projects will be needed to achieve a desired result.  Yet, much of the interior looks modern because of the minor changes she made to make the place more comfortable - mostly in the kitchen and bathrooms, with new paint jobs in all of the rooms.

My original plan was to get to Maria's by 5 pm, and leave by 7.  This would allow me to attend my Zoom meeting (audio only), and then be in contact with both FH and my new online friend.  Since I was running a little late, the sun was going down when I arrived.  Once I opened the gate to her yard, I was greeted by 3 overly friendly dogs.  Maria was a little apologetic about the dogs, but I was very happy to have their attention.  (I love pets, but not the responsibility of having them.) Both dinner and our conversation lasted longer than expected.  I was glad of that, as we rarely get the chance to talk due to conflicting schedules. FH rang me at 9 sharp (she has a nasty habit of being too punctual), and I called her back around 9:30.  She showed some concern that I skipped out on my Zoom meeting to be with a friend.  But I think it's more because of the pandemic than anything else.  And she has good reasons for that.  She is less comfortable with the risks of being with people during the pandemic than I am.

Hopefully, I'll be invited back again soon.  Maria is a good cook, and it is nice to enjoy a home cooked meal now and then.  (Maybe, I'll also get to see her boyfriend one day soon.)

 

 

  

 

I'm over the hill, but I don't mind it much.

 

For all practical purposes, it's been 7 years since I had my hands on a mainframe computer.  My programming skills have atrophied since then.  Yet, I am tempted to throw out a few applications to do some old fashioned Cobol programming.  Would I be good at it?  I'm not sure anymore.  I threw away all of my old manuals, never thinking that I'd ever need them again. Why do I mention this?  Well, I'm starting to see ads for remote work that my old skills could be used for.  As much as I am a relic, there are jobs around the country which now beg for remote workers.  And I wouldn't mind being one of them if I could get hired for a job befitting my skills. 

Sadly, I do not think I could brush up on all of my old skills and fake it with the skills I only had training for.  There are better qualified people than me out there, and no one wants to pay the big bucks for someone who is as obsolete as I am.  So, if there's work for me out there, it'll have to be grunt work.  Do I mind where I'm at now?  Not really.  I was able to retire a few years earlier than I had planned, and I have had the opportunity to explore the world as Marian - something which has helped me grow a lot as a person. 

The other day, I went to get a coat altered, getting the sleeves taken up about an inch and a half.  Today, when I went to pick it up from the tailor, I got into a discussion with the seamstress - who likely didn't suspect that I was not a cisgender female, except for my size. We talked about her marital problems, and I talked about my widowhood - with me translating my late wife's experience with cancer into that a male would have.  As long as the person doesn't know I'm transgender, it makes sense to talk about my past as if I'm cisgender. But I will talk about being transgender if things call for it - there is nothing to hide.  It's too bad that I don't have a good excuse to patronize her shop, as I would love to befriend this woman in the same way another cisgender woman would in the same situation.  Alas, this will likely not happen.

I may be over the hill, and far from any important rat races. But the view from here looks as good as the view I had 20 years ago - for very different reasons.  I now know what I want from the rest of my life, and I'm investing the time to get it.  I just wish I had this wisdom while my wife was alive - she deserved to be with someone who fully appreciated her while she was alive....

I don't know what I did all day, but I made up for it at night.

 

Sometimes, I feel that this model of Linda Blair from the Exorcist looks more realistic than I do. But then, Linda was born to be a cisgender woman, while I am transgender.  I figure that there is very little I can do about my image, save to lose weight, get facial feminization surgery, and see if I have enough hair for transplants (and having this procedure done if possible).  Until then, I will not feel that I can be remotely pretty in my own right.

- - - - - -

Like this model, I could be in my jammies all day if it were convenient.  And with the snow falling today, I did just that. Television was the order of the day until it was time to get ready for a co-op board meeting.  And then the "fun" began....

First, I exchanged a few messages with my ex girlfriend, and she was in the office having to take care of some tasks.  A little bit later, shortly before 4 pm, she decided to cut out early, as the roads weren't plowed well in her area.  So this gave me an excuse to end our chat, and to get ready for the board meeting. Then, FH called me, and wanted to get together on Friday.  This way, she could take her ailing dog to the vet, and we could go to dinner afterwards. Next, TCL called, and I didn't have the time to talk with her, as the co-op board meeting was about to start. (I figured that we could chat later on.)  After a while, my brother called during the meeting. So I sent him a message to tell him that I'd call him back. (He was calling to tell me that a check deposited to our joint account had cleared, and that I could pull my share of the money out of the account.) And then, FL called to shoot the breeze. Here was another call that I had to put off until after the board meeting. Finally, TCL called again, and I said that I'd call her back after the board meeting ended.

You'll note that I haven't said anything about the board meeting.  Well, most of what goes on in these meetings are not for public consumption. We have a lot of work ahead of us for the next few weeks, and I figure that we will likely have a few vendor selection meetings coming up in the near future.  My new job may get in the way of my participation, as I expect that I'll be getting out of work at 5:00, and I won't have time to do anything until 6:00.  And then, I figure that I'll have to turn my video off, as I'll still be in my feminine presentation when I get home.

Eventually the meeting ended, with all attendees feeling exhausted.  I returned my brother's call, then texted FL, and finally got the chance to chat with TCL for a while. At least, I was finally able to schedule dinner with Maria for later this week....

It's always nice to help a friend with a problem or two

 

To quote Winston Churchill: "I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest."  The above picture may help answer the question posed of Churchill, as it is an Enigma from WW2.  Now to find the Riddle and Mystery....

- - - - - -

I opened this entry with the Enigma, as it was cracked with the use of early computers (and a touch of Alan Turing's genius) at Bletchley Park.  Learning how to use Google Ad services can be just as hard to master as the Enigma was to crack.  But with a little help, this is not as hard as it sounds.

Today, I visited a friend who was taking a course for her business.  One of the modules covered how to set up Google Ad Services to bring traffic to her business' web site.  My friend was quite confused, and reached out to me for help - and I spent the whole day at her place trying to make sense of things, then explaining everything to her, so that she could proceed on her own.  

While there, I found that she had a doctor's appointment the next afternoon.  One problem - they were expecting another 3"-5" of snow, and she didn't want to risk two things: (1) Driving home in bad weather, and (2) Having problems with the procedure being done to her foot that would prevent her from driving home herself. So she booked herself a hotel room in Mt. Kisco for two nights, and I drove her to that hotel on my way home.

- - - - - -

On the ride home, my friend commented that she thinks the reason that men are not interested in her is the chaos going on at her place.  This may be a factor, but I don't think it's the main reason.  Instead, I feel that it is her body.  She had problems fitting into my car, and then, we were barely able to buckle up her seat belt because of her hip size.  (This is why I didn't want to date this woman - I like her, but her body would turn me off if I had to be intimate with her.)  We all maintain fantasies of our attractiveness, but most of us have a good sense of the failings of our bodies.

Before leaving her at the hotel, we decided to have dinner.  There was a bar crowd (3-4 people) doing their best to obey New York's Pandemic Beer/Wine/Spirits law as it applies to restaurants - everyone was having a meal with their drinks, while they watched the hockey game on TV.  We were at least 20' away from the other patrons, and enjoyed an uninterrupted dinner in a restaurant that might be barely paying for its basic expenses.

Given that New York City will now be able to allow indoor dining at 25% capacity on Valentine's day weekend, I plan to make reservations at a restaurant on the NYC side of the county line that separates Queens from Nassau counties.  I figure that FH will feel much more comfortable at this place than the place we dined at last weekend.  It's not a fancy place.  But it's a place that's been in business since I was young.  So I think it'll be a good bet for us.

- - - - - -

I have to chuckle about strange coincidences.  The other day, a woman swiped right on my personal ad, and we ended up chatting on line for almost an hour.  Once she told me what she used to do for work, my ears perked up.  She has met me as Marian without knowing it, as she used to own a clothing store geared for plus size women. Now, she's interested in knowing Mario - even though she doesn't yet know that Marian is my other side.  It'll be very interesting if things progress to a point where I have to reveal this to her....

Is this a legal parking spot?

 

 

I'm sure that one of the (former?) readers of this blog could answer this question: If the fire hydrant is as non-functional as this, should I get ticketed for parking here?

- - - - - - 

One of the things I've learned about New York City public street parking is that after a snow storm, people will do as little as possible to shovel out an on-street parking spot, as it will only benefit the next person to use that spot. As a result of the snow, there were fewer available spots than normal in FH's neighborhood than usual, and many of those that were left were inaccessible unless one drove a vehicle with 4 wheel drive.   Since last night seems to have been "Garbage Night" in FH's neighborhood, the refuse from the multi story buildings on both sides of the street were piled up, waiting for the sanitation department to remove at its convenience. This should make it more difficult than usual to find a parking spot. Yet, upon first arrival, I was able to get a spot within 5 minutes of arriving at her building.

Since I arrived on time, I met the doorman at FH's building as he was going on shift, and he let me in without problem.  FH was pleasantly surprised that I found a spot quickly, and even more pleasantly surprised that I could resolve a printer issue she was having before going back to the car and going out to eat.

There is a risk in going out to eat these days, but I figured that since FH didn't want to eat at home with her daughter around, that we should do something elsewhere.  Both of us knew the risks posed by doing this during the pandemic, but we decided to go out anyway.  So I drove out to Freeport, where we didn't find much of anything open.  We tried to eat at a restaurant we ate at months ago, but it was too crowded for her taste.  Then, we drove around for a little bit, and chanced another restaurant in the same area.  I won't go into all the specifics. But this choice was a bit of a mistake, as we had to change rooms because a small party started in the room where we were originally seated.

When we arrived in FH's neighborhood, there was nary a spot to be found, save the "spot" in the picture at the top of this entry.  Would you say that there is a functional fire hydrant that my car is blocking?  More importantly, would you say that I should have gotten a ticket for parking here at night, given what you could and couldn't see on the sides of the street?  I certainly don't know what a NYC court might say, but I was lucky not to be ticketed last night.  Let's hope that no one gets ticketed until this hydrant is returned to working order.

 

The other day, my telephone was like the switchboard at Grand Central Terminal

 

Recently, I had more people calling (or texting) me in one night than usually happens in a week. But then, it was perfectly understandable given the circumstances....

- - - - - -

Early in the day, my brother interrupted me while I was taking care of something important. He called me to let me know that a financial issue we've had closing out our dad's estate should be over soon - the bank is mailing out a check, and my brother will deposit it on arrival.  This means that, god willing, I should be able to afford to take my Hawaii cruise when cruising starts up again.  

Later in the day, Vicki called me to chat a little. I had just started to straighten out some of the mess in the apartment, and was interrupted.  A few seconds after Vicki hung up, my brother called again, just to shoot the breeze. I called my friend Vanessa to touch base on a course which required my help figuring out her problem with setting up an ad campaign on Google search, and she said that she'd call back shortly. So I took this time to chat with TCL. 

Once done with TCL, I received a message from a friend in Manhattan, and we "chatted" for a while before I was tired of texting.  So I bid her goodbye for the night. And almost immediately after wards, I received a text from a new acquaintance on Facebook, and we started to shoot the breeze.  Although she's talking with me as Mario, I know she'd be surprised to find out that I once frequented her store as Marian.  (That's something I will reveal at a future time.) While shooting the breeze, XGFJ texted me to chat a little.  She sent me a link for a store in her neck of the woods that opened a new location in Eastchester.  Applestone Meat is known for its 24x7 stores which use vending machines to dispense their products.  Although the meat is expensive, it is an excellent value if you like high quality beef.  By the time I was done with my new friend and my ex girlfriend, Vanessa called me back and we were both talking about her Google ad problems and catching up on what has been going on with our lives.

By the time midnight came along, I was fried.  This is one of those times I'm glad that I don't have to go to work in the morning.

I learned something about Lane Bryant and USPS today.

 

 

The other day, I ordered two tops that would work with a pair of wide legged trousers that I recently bought from Lane Bryant.  The above item was not included in the first shipment. Today (Friday), I received a message with the following heading, saying that the above item was delivered:

Delivery Confirmation - but Wait, MARIAN, There's More!

Yet, when I go to the USPS tracking site, it says that the estimated delivery date is February 6th.  And when I went downstairs to my post box, there was no sign of a postal delivery. So I logged onto the USPS tracker site and got the following information:

On its way

Estimated Delivery

Saturday

February 6 

 

1 day left

S  M  T  W  T  F  S

   01 02 03 04 05 06

07 08 09 10 11 12 13

14 15 16 17 18 19 20

21 22 23 24 25 26 27

28

Shipping Activity

• Feb 5

  9:13 AM
  Arrived at Post Office

  CROTON ON HUDSON, NY
• Feb 4

  10:52 AM
  Departed USPS Regional Facility

  WHITE PLAINS NY DISTRIBUTION CENTER
• Feb 4

  8:07 AM
  Arrived at USPS Regional Facility

  WHITE PLAINS NY DISTRIBUTION CENTER
• Feb 4

  6:00 AM
  Arrived at USPS Regional Facility

  KEARNY NJ DISTRIBUTION CENTER
• Feb 4

  5:32 AM
  Departed USPS Regional Facility

  TETERBORO NJ DISTRIBUTION CENTER
• Feb 3

  9:40 PM
  Arrived at USPS Regional Origin Facility

  TETERBORO NJ DISTRIBUTION CENTER
• Feb 3

  8:25 PM
  Accepted at USPS Origin Facility

  CLIFTON, NJ
• Jan 27
  Pre-Shipment Info Sent to USPS, USPS Awaiting Item
• 
  Tracking Number 

  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  

  
  

It seems as if Lane Bryant may be reporting a delivery before it has occurred, or that USPS has sent a "delivered" notice before actually happens.  It is also possible that USPS has delivered the package to the wrong address.  In any case, I have encountered an anomalous communication, and I would love to know more about what has cause this to happen.

 

As you can see, the other top looks halfway decent on me.  So I had high hopes for the the top in the picture.  However, a package was left on my doorstep around 6 pm - and it contained the wrong item.  To add insult to injury, I have to pay $5.95 to return the item - a problem caused by their screw up.  At least, they made the return process relatively easy - if I can get to a post office while it is open.