A second night out with a new meetup group

 

 

 

As you can see, I'm having a great time with the girls.  This is the second time I've been with this meetup group, and I've been made to feel welcome again.  Yes, it's a group that Mario could have attended, but I fit in much more as Marian, with the exception of my size.  (It's another reason for me to figure out how to lose some weight.)

 

Some people wonder why I'd have rather been born with a female body.  It's not extreme dysphoria as some transgender people suffer.  Instead, it's the social role of women - they are the glue that hold societies together.  Their conversations are more interesting, and they often involve the nitty gritty of life that men usually ignore.  (Don't get me wrong, I'd have rather had all the inconveniences and headaches of being a typical woman in order to have lived life as one.) 

I figure that one day, I'll have to make some hard choices.  Until then, I'll have an interesting life observing how different and/or similar life is on both sides of the gender coin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where is Superman when you need him?

 

The once ubiquitous phone booth.  Once, they were all over the place.  Now, they are a rarity - especially wooden booths.  And this one was spotted in Bethel, CT about a decade ago in a small theater.  At least we know of one place where Clark Kent could change into Superman without problems.

Why do I mention Superman?  Well, there are many people who want a strong leader to deliver us from the morass we have been in.  Although the economy has been improving for most of us, there are many people being left behind - and many of these people are Trump supporters.  As a TG person, this bothers me a great deal.  The social coalition which supports this wannabe tyrant consists of people who'd impose their brand of theocracy on the whole nation - and put people like me at great risk.

It's hard to believe that DC comics once had Superman reminding us that America is supposed to be a pluralistic society.  Today, a message like this would be dismissed as leftist propaganda, and not a statement of core American ideals.  This is so sad.  Maybe, we need a real life Kal-El to become a modern age immigrant from another planet and remind us what our core beliefs were and should be again.  But then, I'd bet that half of this nation would label him as an illegal alien.

A night at the prom

 

 

 

As you can see, I stand out from average sized women.  But I'm accepted in my presentation.  It's a nice feeling to know that one can be accepted for who she is inside.  But this may also be a reflection of my personality as Marian, as Vicki has noted that I am much more at home as Marian than I am being Mario.

 

I'd love to have two people no longer in my life to see the above picture taken at the FTF meetup group's 2021 Prom.  Even better, I'd have loved for one of them to be at this meetup.  No, it's not to impose Marian on this person.  Instead, it's to show this person that there is nothing to be embarrassed about in being with me. 

 

You'll notice that I am in the back of this picture of the women from the FTF meetup group.  The caption on the website labels us the women of the prom, plus one photo bomber.  At one time later on, several of the women got me up and dancing.  Even more fun, one fellow took me to dance with him shortly after this picture was taken.  (No, my gender preference hasn't changed.  But it was fun to have a man treat me as a woman.)  

Although I didn't bother to correct this picture for the background light, you can easily see that my "friend" wanted another picture of me with him.  And I gladly complied.  There was one thought in the back of my mind that I made sure to not act on.  It would have been a fun picture to have taken with me kissing him by surprise.  But several bad things could have come of it, so I let this innocuous shot be taken.

It was a fun evening, and I hope to do this again next year.

Jury Duty - Deferral Requested

This is what a SDNY (Southern District of New York) Federal Jury Duty summons looks like.  The bottom part of the form has been cropped, so that my private information isn't made public.  This will be the second time I'm asking for a deferral, and I need it for two reasons: (1) I expect that we'll be very busy at the office dealing with headaches from a new customer. (2) I don't want to travel to Lower Manhattan during the summer on potentially overcrowded subway cars on the Lexington Avenue line.

Travel to this courthouse takes me about 2 hours.  If I find it hard enough to get up by 6 am to be at work at 8, imagine how much of a pain in the ass it will be for me to get up by 5:30, to be in court by 8:30.  People from Northern Westchester are expected to go downtown, while people North of me are allowed to go to White Plains.  This is not fair.  But we are stuck with a system that is geared to impose hardships on the jurors, and make it easy for every other stake holder involved in court cases.  No wonder why people try so hard to get out of jury duty.

The last two times I went to this courthouse for jury duty, I "served" by being available for a grand jury, but not being picked.  (I like to imagine that this grand jury may have been investigating some of Trump & associates' crimes.)  Last time, it was just before the pandemic struck.  And I wasn't going to give up $194/day (before taxes) to get a measly $50/day plus a 4 hour round trip commute.  So I asked for a deferral, and the pandemic gave me a year's reprieve.  Now, I am asking for a short deferment, so that my service can be scheduled for cooler months.  At that time, I will go into serve (dressed as Marian), and get this duty over and done with.  Since a winter jury duty service will excuse me from being called for 4 years, I figure that with the right use of deferment requests, that I might reach 70 years of age before I get a "Must Serve" request.  And if that's the case, I will have successfully avoided service at this god-awful location.

This chicken crossed the road to get some food....

 

This chicken did more than cross the road today.  But then, he knew that he could scarf up a lot of fatty food hanging out near people at the Walkill Valley Winery.

- - - - - -

This weekend was one spent in Mario mode.  Just as well.   It makes it easier for me to go dating.  But there are some people with whom I don't feel comfortable talking about my dating life - and one of them has been upset at me for not opening up about this. Recently, I told this one person about FH, saying that I had an argument with someone who was too comfortable with confrontation, and that I decided to shut FH out from my life.  What I didn't say is that FH wrote me another text today noting that I shouldn't have cut her off without explanation after a year of being together, and saying that I need psychological help. I also didn't say that I have a letter I am sending her via snail mail to explain my feelings in regard to our argument.  One thing I will say is that if I am in an argument and that the woman doesn't listen to me when I say that if she continues along this path, that I will sever communication with her - that I mean what I say even in the heat of an argument.

Saturday was a day spent with a woman I'll call LMW.  We agreed to get together at 1:30-2, and we were together until almost midnight.  I have to be careful of going too far with her until I know I want to pursue the relationship.  Sunday was a day spent with a woman I'll call AMH.  We met at the winery at 1:00, and spent 3 1/2 hours there, enjoying some food, some wine, and some music.  Unfortunately, the trip home was marred by Sunday traffic on the bridges crossing the Hudson.  Right now, I won't say too much more about either of these women, save that they are nice women and would be decent choices for me.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable in regard to my job.  But I know that I'll have an awkward chat with my boss when it's time for me to move on with my life....

Conversations

 

A while back, someone asked me not to mention our conversations.  For the most part, I have complied with this person's request.  Yet, the underlying issues we discussed go unresolved.  Today, I feel that we will sever the last link between us in the near future.  If that happens, I plan to discuss what I've kept under wraps only for courtesy reasons.

But enough of that for now.

One of the reasons I am concerned about conversations with women I've dated is to see if there is a natural give and take between the two parties.  I could never live with someone like TCL, as she runs on at the mouth sometimes, and rarely gives way to let the other person speak.  Women like FH are opinionated, and are not that open minded.  My former cruise partner appeared to be open minded until I screwed up our friendship, and then her true views started to come out.  As much as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can judge the quality of a person by the quality of conversation he/she is able to make.

There are many qualities of conversation.  For example, people feel most comfortable when chat flows easily, and that any "challenge" is within acceptable levels.  For example, guys bantering around talking sports may argue whether Babe Ruth or Willie Mays was the greatest baseball player.  (For the record, I say Babe Ruth is the greatest "all around" ball player, as he could pitch as well as he could hit.  If he stayed a pitcher, he likely would have achieved his place in Cooperstown on his pitching record alone.)  But when a person feels that he/she is out of his/her league, then things get awkward.

Friendly conversation does not come natural to me.  I do not have the social skills which attract many people.  Is it body language, conversation topics, or intensity of conversation?  That I'll likely never know. The one time I mentioned this issue to my former therapist, he dismissed it, focusing on my issues with food.  (He was an alcoholic in recovery, and saw everything life through that one lens.  I knew that there was much more to life than focusing on my food addiction, and was secretly glad when this man retired.) If I could live my life over, I'd have gone into therapy at an early adult age, focused on getting more education, looked for ways to develop my social skills, and looked for mentors to help me in my career growth.

My ex girlfriend's dinner group (the one she fought so hard to keep me out of) consists of a lot of single people.  So far, I've seen 3 of the regulars show up in my dating feeds.  Obviously, we wouldn't be good matches.  It would have been interesting had I been able to go there (in either of my modes) when my ex wasn't in attendance. That's water under the bridge, and I hope she's happy with the results of her campaign.  As for me, I'm living in the present and focusing on having nice chats with people from other groups.  At least in these groups, I've been made to feel welcome.

Will I ever be able to have a conversational style that makes me able to have a good chat with almost anyone?  I doubt it.  But it's a nice goal to have....

Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

   .....

A tale of 3 dummy lights.

 

 

 (Dummy light in Canajoharie, NY)

Dummy lights are an anomaly in traffic control.  By modern standards, they are relatively unsafe.  They usually interfere with traffic flow, often being the indirect cause of many accidents.  Yet, three of these lights survive in New York State.  This is my tale of the three lights.

- - - - - -

(Dummy light in Croton, NY)

 
The Croton dummy light is very familiar to me, as I live in this town.  Unlike most dummy lights, it is not in the middle of the intersection.  Instead, it's off to the side, and tends NOT to interfere with traffic flow.  

I find it amazing that this light has survived so long.  Yet, keeping this light makes more sense than replacing it.  Installing a newer style of traffic control would ruin the character of the village, as the dummy light would need to be replaced by one (or more) hanging street light(s) whose supports would ruin the appearance of the intersection AND might make it even more dangerous.

- - - - - -

 

(Dummy light in Beacon, NY)

Like Croton's dummy light, Beacon's light also is an anomaly.  It does not interfere with traffic flow.  And, like Croton's light, adds to the character of the part of town in which it resides.  I've eaten at several restaurants in walking distance of this light, and consider it something that the town should preserve at all costs.

When I first came to the Hudson Valley, Beacon was a dump.  Thirty years later, it is one of those places that New York City residents have fallen in love with and have planted the seeds for its gentrification.  Of course, gentrification has resulted in problems for many long time residents of the valley - they can no longer afford to live here.  

I first started visiting Beacon on a regular basis when I first started going out as Marian.  First, I went to a game night meetup being held by a woman trying to draw new business to her restaurant.  (This meetup has since been disbanded, but that's another tale covered in my previous blog.)  Then, I attended a woman's meetup group for a while. This gave me needed practice going out as Marian, and gave me the confidence that I could live in the outside world as my authentic self.  (It's hard to believe that my ex girlfriend once attended this group, as she needed a ride from me to get back to her car being repaired the next day.) Eventually, this group died when the owner of the restaurant where we usually met decided to shut down the restaurant and to eventually move out of the region.

 - - - - - -

 

(Dummy light in Canajoharie, NY)

On Mother's day, I decided to take a drive up to Cooperstown, NY to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame.  It was more of an excuse to get out of the house and distract myself from the boredom that has permeated my life for the past 18 months or so.   While on my trip (as Mario), I ended up seeing the one remaining dummy light in Canajoharie, NY on my way home from the HOF.

There was no reason for me to be in Canajoharie this day.  If I had a better internal road map of the area, I would not have even bothered being near this place.  But I saw a sign telling me that I could reach Route I-90 (New York Thruway) from a given road, and I made the mistake of taking that road as the rain was starting to pour.

Canajoharie is a town that time left behind.  The most notable part of the town is a large factory that shut down years ago, leaving the town with no reason for being.  And when I drove through the town, I became glad that I live in the Hudson Valley, a region which is undergoing a rebirth.

- - - - - -

Dummy lights are anomalies - just like me.  I'm glad that I've seen all three of these curiosities, as I expect that some law enacted in the future will cause them to be removed.  We will be losing something important when that this eventually happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things are slowly returning to normal - Game Night in Yonkers

 

This was the first time in 14 months that we met inside on a Thursday night.  And it felt strangely normal.  Since all of us were previously vaccinated, it was nice to hear the hostess tell me to feel welcome to take my mask off - which I did.

- - - - - -

I can't say too much about going to game night, save that most of the regular cast of characters were there for some time, and I hope to see them again soon.  Hopefully, I'll be able to stay longer, as I had to go to work the next day and needed some sleep. 

Dinner all by myself

 

I can be quite jovial when dining with friends.  But when I'm eating by myself, I often just want to get the meal over with so I can enjoy other activities that give me more pleasure.  Tonight was one of those evenings where I had no one to be with, and nothing I really wanted to eat.

- - - - - -

In the past, I'd be calling up a former friend in shooting the breeze.  I'd also be calling a (now) ex girlfriend for similar purposes.  But the issue still remained - how does one maintain his/her sanity when one wants a little companionship when none is available.

Humans are a very social species.  If we didn't know this before the pandemic, we certainly know it now.  If you could see all the people who were gathered around the above table, you'd see a smile on everyone's faces.  It was great to be able to get together after a year of being cooped up in one's home.

Could I have found someone to eat with today?  Possibly.  But would it have been worth it?  Probably not.  I needed some alone time....

Dinner with another friend

 

Even though I still am in contact with an ex, I don't say everything about what I do to her, and the same with her not saying everything to me.  She won last year's battle, but at a great cost to both of us.  And I think that cost is trust in the other person's motives.  

Why do I bring up the past, even in passing?

My air conditioner sleeve was being reset today, so that water condensate would drain outside instead of inside.  The ex made a comment (very true) regarding my use of the air conditioner and its use to me.  It is one of the things we can safely talk about without dredging up uncomfortable topics.  Since we got off on the wrong foot after our breakup when I talked about dating again, I don't want to talk about any of my dates with her.  Even then, I brought up FH, as this was another woman who left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

I've been chatting with a woman in New Jersey for a while, and it is time to see her in person.  Hopefully, we will get along in person over time as well as we've been getting along on the phone.  It is not the time to mention this to the ex, but not because she would object.  Instead, I would rather wait until I have a new relationship before mentioning it to the past one.  No, not to rub things in.  Instead, as part of a healing process we both need to go through.

- - - - - -

Contractor personnel was on site early in the day, and I had to let them into the place to get an idea of what they would need to do in the afternoon.  Starting around 1:15 or so, they were done with inside work around 3:15 or so, but were still working on the outside of the building after 4:45.  I can only guess what contractor will be charging for this work.  And when I do find out, I won't be mentioning it here, as this is between only the board and the contractor.

Back to the dinner....

We had agreed on a Chinese restaurant that I had gone to before.  When I got there, I found that it was open - but not for dining in.  So when my date arrived, we had to punt.  Instead of having Chinese again (I had eaten at a local Chinese joint the day before), we decided to eat at the Pizzeria next door.  Although the place was noisy, the food was good and the conversation was pleasant.  Afterwards, it was dessert at an ice cream shop down the road - another place I knew of because of TCL.

We'll see what happens with this woman.  She has a nice personality, but I'm not so sure if I'm attracted enough to get physical with her.  (And of course, I still have to reveal Marian to her....)

 

 

Dinner with a friend

 

This is a quick entry, as I need to take care of cleaning up my bedroom.  Tonight was dinner with the former student clinician who helped me work on my feminine voice.  I hate to say it, but my face still gives me away more than my size or my voice. But this isn't much of an issue if I'm treated with respect.

- - - - - -

I decided to wear a unitard (body suit) with the buttoned top over it.  This would make it a little easier for me to go to the bathroom if needed.  It's a very comfortable outfit, and something I may wear (with a little modification) as the weather gets warmer.  If I'm going to live in the world of women, shouldn't I have to deal with some of the problems women deal with on a regular basis?  I have two more tops in a similar style (different prints/colors) that I can wear with the unitard, and will be doing so in the future.

My friend mentioned that she'd like to visit the women's restroom in the Borough of Manhattan's president's (title?) office during the next Open House New York weekend.  I figure that we will be going into the city together, then going to the loo together.  This time, I'll be sure to get some great pictures from the bathroom stall's river view window.

Hopefully our stars will align to do more things together in the future.  I'm also hoping that things work out for her and her boyfriend, as I'd like an excuse to buy another formal gown in a color I am comfortable wearing.

An Anniversary - a quick note

 

It's hard to believe that today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary.  And I've been widowed for over twice as many years as we were married.  Do I miss my wife?  Yes.  There are only two other women who got that much of my heart, and both of those relationships were failures.

Would my wife have accepted this side of me?  Who knows?  But I can say that she accepted me wearing my feminine frills at home.  So there was a good chance that she might have accepted the Marian side of me as long as I presented myself well.

- - - - - -

It is acceptable in our society for a woman to present herself in a "masculine" way.  But it is generally not acceptable for a man to present himself in a "feminine" way.  For the life of me, I'll never understand this with the rational side of my mind.  But I can understand it with the more primitive side of my mind, as it has over 60 years of social programming to reinforce these views.  Hopefully, this will change for today's youth....

People are still getting used to a "post Covid-19" future

 

It's hard to believe that it has been 5 years since the above picture was taken.  I find it amazing how much I've grown being Marian, and how much I've lost at the same time.  No one can turn back the clock and relive the past.  Yet, one can learn from it, and see the shades of gray in someone else's arguments.  In my case, I've given up hoping that one person will see that I was also wronged in our disagreement, as this would mean she would accept a little blame for herself.  And this made me think a little more about FH.

- - - - -

About a week ago, I was out on a date with FH.  She got lost in her own frustrations when I was having troubles paying for parking using the machine which was provided for this purpose.  Not caring how I felt, she continued to make comments about the machine when I needed peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do next - before my frustration started to control me.  So I asked her to be quiet for a minute, and she said that she'd talk as much as she wanted - as if my issues were of no concern.  Eventually, we were told that we could pay at the exit gate (something I didn't know at the time), and we went to my car to go home.  In the car, I missed the turn for the exit, and she decided to give me a hard time when I said something to myself. She was obviously angry and looking to make me feel bad.  Once we finally exited the lot, she started to make a big deal about things, bringing up the Marian side of me, just to fight dirty in our argument.  So I was quite relieved when I dropped her at her apartment, never to see her again.

It seems like some women like doing this to men they no longer want in their lives.  Instead of saying that things are not working out, and I don't want to see you near my circle of friends, they sabotage things to make this happen.  They also do many other things instead of stating their needs.  In the case of FH, this looks orchestrated, as she first made a big deal of me "stalking her" on Facebook (I only left an active chat window open, and never bothered looking at her Facebook page - all she does is post photographs of herself there) when she unfriended me.  Even though she apologized, and said that she was loopy from a sleeping pill (I know that the pill was an anti-depressant, as I picked them up at the drug store for her once), she never looked to refriend me there.  I wasn't going to make the first move, as I knew something was up.  Then, when she asked me to come down on a Friday night and go to dinner where she knew things were crowded and problems would likely occur, this should have been another sign she was up to something.  When the argument happened it was no surprise - she simply looked for an excuse to achieve something she was too uncomfortable asking for.  She couldn't say that she simply didn't want me around, now that the Covid-19 pandemic restrictions had been eased off.

- - - - - -

There are so many people who can't communicate well.  And we're going to see a lot of strange behavior from people now that the pandemic restrictions are easing off.  Last night, I made a comment to someone that said simply - I hope you enjoy your evening.  And I got back a response that reflected some of the awkwardness I saw in FH.  What is it about people who can not see shades of gray?  More importantly, what is it about the pandemic that brought out the worst in people?

As things open up, people will struggle to find a new normal. Yes, vaccinated people will continue to wear masks for a while. This will also ease off over time. But what about the anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers? Will they freeload off of our immunizations? Today, I saw this message coming from a person in my gaming group:

I know how kind hearted you both are, but are visitors allowed to ridicule adults who refused to get the vaccine without any rational reason?  If this is prohibited, can we at least use "veiled" insults, like, "What's with the mask indoors, Count Maskula?" Or, "Hey, you do know the Earth is round, riiiiiiiight?"

Asking for a rage filled friend who has problems keeping quiet on certain subjects.

I'm vaccinated.

Sincerely,

Xxxxxx Xxxxxx

Although I know this friend is being a little humorous, there is a cynicism implicit in his email.  I'm pretty sure that I know who this person is talking about.  But I'm going to keep my mouth shut unless someone makes an inappropriate statement, and will criticize the person for coming to a place where only inoculated people are welcome.

Tomorrow, I'll be going out to dinner with Vicki and going to the first indoor HVRW dinner since before the pandemic started.  Hopefully, it will be a pleasant night to remember.

PS: On the Monday after I wrote this entry, I received a message from FH. She wanted to say hello and to see how I was doing.  I mentioned that I was cleaning out my bedroom so that a contractor could reset an air conditioner sleeve.  She complained that we hadn't spoken in a week, and all I could do is talk about my AC.  Then, normally, you ask "how are you?" or say "nice to hear from you."  Kvetch, Kvetch, Kvetch.  I meant what I said about not calling her again.

Dating is such a pain in the ass

 

My ex broke up with me shortly before the pandemic struck, and it was all downhill for a while.  When I received a hurtful email on my birthday, I knew that I could either continue to make things worse for myself and others, or to figure out a way to start healing.  In many ways, the less I say about the ex, the better.  So I will focus on the healing process.

- - - - - - 

A long time ago, I dated TCL.  And we decided to be "just friends" shortly afterwards.  Why did I not pursue a relationship with her?  She's the type of person who will meander from topic to topic, getting lost in the process.  In a way, it's like a programmer tracing code through a series of "nested IF statements" and getting lost in the depths of the statements.  TCL has to be interrupted in order for you to get a word in, and I don't think she realizes she does this.  If I don't get the chance to speak once in a while, I get bored.  Who wants to be bored by a person one might want to live with someday?  She was typical of many of the women I dated before meeting my ex girlfriend - all had one obvious trait that would get under my skin.

- - - - - -

My personal ad was out before the pandemic struck, but I met FH shortly after people were told they could meet outdoors while wearing masks.  No one really know how the virus spread in those days, and I can still remember driving FH home from the heart of Forest Hills.  She wasn't perfect, but she was better than having no one to keep busy with on weekends. However, this doesn't say much about FH.  She's an educated woman who was always commenting on her crazy family.  As the old saying goes, "it takes one to know one."  I'll always wonder if she asked herself whether she was as crazy as her siblings.  From what I can tell from her brother, he is a product of his environment and of his news bubble.  FH lives within NYC limits, and her brother in the suburbs. She's a Democrat, and he's a Republican.  Both siblings often see each other through a political lens.  Needless to say, I've heard her make incendiary statements about all Republicans.  Although they may be true of many in the GOP, it would be unfair to paint them all using the same brush.  Sadly, she's a person who doesn't know how to let things drop - and one has to do this in order to have a successful relationship.

During this time, I met FL, and we had a few dates before she backed away.  Of course, she was spooked by me as Marian, and broke up with me before we things got too serious.  FL and I are still friends, and we get along well.  Unfortunately, she now lives too far away for me to visit on a regular basis. 

But there were other women. GS lives in the Hudson Valley, and we had a handful of dates before the weather got cold.  There was no real chemistry between us, but my female presentation wasn't an issue for her.  Instead, I think that her financial situation was precarious due to the pandemic, and she had bigger problems to worry about than dating.

I won't go through the whole list here, but I've gotten to hate having to learn a bit about a person, only to forget it later on.  I want to spend my time building memories with someone who cares for me.  Maybe that's why I said I wasted 5 years dating one woman - I have only so much time left to build memories, and I hate wasting time before I find that person I can build memories with.

- - - - - -

Lucky, the pandemic seems to be easing off, and things are slowly returning to "normal".  Hopefully, some nice women will "swipe right" on my profile, and that one of them is a good match for me, and me for her....

I found out that someone reads my blog on occasion

 

 

  

Ever have someone pop back into your life, pull their typical nasty shit then pop out again? Boy, it seriously makes me want to play wack-a-mole. 

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But seriously....

Recently, in response to one of my posts, a former friend wrote a nasty comment which I will not display here.  Any mention of her that I have made in this blog does not mention her name, show her picture (with a discernible face), or say anything about her personal life.  I will freely admit that I talked a little too much in the past about things that shouldn't have been mentioned. So, do I erase her existence from my past?  To answer my own question, I will not erase the fact that she existed, but I will reference the past if only to note my mistakes in life - especially regarding her.  And if she doesn't like it, she can send an email directly to me to tell me what objections she has. If her complaint is reasonable to me, I will perform some edits to the blog. Although we will never be friends again, I will do this as a courtesy, and nothing more than that.

In regard to another person, I felt that any mention of a dispute that we had was fair game, as long as I stated things from my point of view.  At least, with this person in this blog, there is no mention of her name, no showing of her picture, no identification of her business.  But I was asked not to talk about our conversation in this forum, and I complied for reasons I will not discuss here..  (This may be the only time I reference the discussion here - for obvious reasons.) 

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Today, I went to the office knowing that I'd be directly hired by the firm to do the job I'm already doing through an agency.  I would now become a direct employee, eligible for benefits.   But to do this, I'd have to show my male ID in a place where I've always presented as female.  So, I went into the office with an almost unnoticeable nervousness (if you could even call it that) regarding the unknown.  But I needn't have had any concerns - I was treated professionally by the lady in HR.  

As I get older, the more I find that people in the Northeast will generally treat a transgender person with respect, as long as that person exudes a sense of self confidence.  Yes, your mileage will vary, as old commercials used to say. But a smile at the right person, a kindly word at the right time, and a helpful gesture can go a long way towards being accepted.

A while back, I met another trans person at the LGBT center in White Plains.  This person came up to me and said I was an inspiration that helped this person with the first stages of transition.  (I avoid citing gender here, as I don't remember which direction of transition this person was on.)   At least, I can say that I made a positive contribution to one person's life.

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But I still wonder. Is there anyone else that I inspire?

 

It was an unusual weekend to say the least

This weekend started off in a memorable way.  First, my boss called me into his office and told me that the firm is bringing me onto the "staff payroll" instead of being paid through an agency.  This means that once again, I have to fill in paperwork to get my job.  This time, HR (and some others) may be a little surprised when they see paperwork in Mario's name instead of Marian's name.  Luckily, I've always used an informal version of my name that's androgynous and can be used by either sex.  

But Friday was much more than being given the job that I thought I'd be given the following week.  I finally was able to talk to the contractors who have been fixing up the apartment below me for sale.  Hopefully, I'll be able to see the bathroom once they are done, and get an estimate (time and money) of what it will take to do the same thing in my place.  Then, I drove to see FH for dinner.  

FH was in rare form on Friday.  Going to a busy area to eat at a chain restaurant will likely end up resulting in a long wait when NYC is still under pandemic restrictions.  She wanted to eat at the Cheesecake Factory in Rego Park, Queens.  So I drove to the shopping center, got the parking ticket, and proceeded to the restaurant where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Next, we walked across the street to the Olive Garden where we were told it would be a 1 hour wait for a seat. And then, we walked to the Longhorn Steakhouse where we were told it would be a 2 hour wait for a seat. Guess where we ate - the Olive Garden.  

There is a good reason why people choose to eat somewhere other than the Olive Garden.  Most of the food is excessively salty and excessively starchy.  (What do you expect from a pseudo Italian restaurant chain?)  After 45 minutes waiting on a chilly park bench, we walked to the restaurant and had a mediocre meal.  And that's where the fun begins.  When trying to use the parking lot payment machine, the machine refused to accept my credit card.  I had no way of knowing that this lot accepts payments at the exit gate.  So I started getting frustrated, and asked FH to be quiet for a moment so that I can deal with my frustration.  She kept talking, only making it worse.  Eventually, I got mad at her and told her to shut up.  She got mad as well, and we escalated things to the point where I said that I wouldn't bother calling her again. Eventually, the parking lot attendant told us that he had to reset the machine and that we should pay at the exit gate.

At this point, all I wanted to do was get out of the parking lot and drop FH off at her place.  She started up her argument again, saying that I was wrong and that she would speak whenever she wanted to - even when the person next to her needs a little bit of quiet for a minute.  She even brought up Marian, and I told her that this part of me is not up for discussion as it is not germane to the argument.  So I was glad to get her out of my car quickly, and then call a friend.  Thankfully, Vicki was available.  She noted that it is easy to understand why someone who has as little empathy as FH has never been married.  And then she said that this makes it much easier for me to start dating people who have a better chance of meeting my needs for a mate.

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Saturday came, and I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I knew that today had to be laundry day if I wanted to go on my date with APJ (as I'll call her for now - it could change).  So I decided to get up and finally start my day around 10:30.  But that didn't mean that I'd start any chores then - that was around 1:00 pm when I brought my laundry downstairs.

Once I was done with my laundry, I got ready to go meet APJ in Hackensack.  I did a quick shower and shave, and got dressed for the second day in a row as Mario.  Then it was off to Jersey.  Both of us fought the usual Saturday traffic to get to the diner, and we chatted for almost 2 1/2 hours.  So far, so good.  But I will have to tell her about Marian before we get intimate.  And I only can imagine what she will think when I do so.

Since I know that I'll need lunch for Monday and Tuesday, I stopped by Shop Rite on the way home.  While there, I looked for a cheap succulent plant to leave a friend as a gift.  I couldn't find one in my price range.  So, I decided on buying a "lucky" bamboo plant, and will leave it on the friend's doorstep on my way upstate tomorrow.

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In many ways, I wish I could have been one of the women who wore uniforms like the one above.  Sadly, the market for women's baseball died when the men came back from WW2, but a good movie came from it.  (By the way, what do the movies "A League of Their Own" and "The Green Mile" have in common?  Answer below....)

I knew that I was going to have less time in Cooperstown than I wanted, as I woke up later than planned. But I figured that I had enough time to drop off yesterday's gift, and then go to Cooperstown for a 3+ hour visit to the Hall of Fame.  So I got in my car and wasted time at the local Mickey D's before getting on the thruway.  Usually, it takes me about 45-60 minutes to reach the thruway, and based on the time I budget to reach Catskill, it would be another 2 hours to reach Cooperstown by back roads from there.  During the daytime, this is a beautiful drive.  Yet, I wouldn't recommend doing it at night, as these are rural roads with little traffic and no cell phone service.  Eventually, I made it to Cooperstown, and found free parking without trouble, then had no problems buying my ticket for the museum.  (Later on, I was told by a local NOT to visit Cooperstown from Memorial Day to Columbus Day, as the crowds ruin the place - something I experienced when I visited with my (now) ex girlfriend a couple of years ago.)  It would be easy to go on and on about the exhibits at the museum.  But for baseball fans, it's a shrine worth visiting at least once.

Around 4:30, it was time to go home.  And I didn't want to take those back roads at night and in the rain. So I drove North to Route 20, then made the mistake of taking more side roads to reach the thruway.  This must have added at least 30-45 minutes to my return trip home.  Once on the thruway, it was a lead footed drive home.  With one stop at the local supermarket for tomorrow's lunch, I was home in 4 hours.  Not bad, considering everything.

 

 

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Answer to above question:

Both movies have a scene where Tom Hanks' character urinates off screen.  In "A League of Their Own", the duration of his urination is mentioned.  In "Green Mile", the character has a UTI that ends up being cured by the wrongly convicted man on death row.

It's going to be a long weekend

 

I'm going to be brief today.   It's going to be a long weekend, as I'm starting off with seeing FH tonight.  Normally, I see her on a Saturday due to our work schedules.  However, this week, her daughter wants to see her alone on a Saturday (mom works on Sunday) to celebrate Mother's Day.  So, guess who has to change back to Mario on Friday for a late dinner?

Saturday is a second date (if all goes right) with one woman from Jersey, and FH's change of schedule works out for me, as I can see this woman at a normal time and day.  Most importantly, I am free on Sunday.  And this means that I will be able to make a drive to Cooperstown to see Roy Hobbs' uniform again.  This trip will be one done as Marian - I hope.  

You might ask, why Cooperstown?  I have a goal in mind.  There is someone I've had a disagreement with who has mentioned what I did for her once.  Well, I want to riff on that theme and give this person a similar (but very different) gift.  In short, I want to shock the shit out of her, but leave a smile on her face.  

Let's see if all my planning works out on a busy weekend....

I've been writing less often for a few days, and it feels good.

 

Most of the time, I used to post what came to mind - and I crossed the line into revealing things about others which should have stayed private.  I lost FCP as a friend because of this, and at least one more person because I did this.  So I've been giving this blog a little bit of a rest lately.

Although I had a good weekend, I don't feel pressured to write about it.  However, I did get one thought.  In one conversation, something involving Mother's Day came up.  If the weather is nice, and I have a little bit of luck, I plan on doing something nice for someone who may just need something nice and who doesn't dream that I would do that something nice.  And while doing that something nice for someone, I will do something nice for me and take a nice day trip to Cooperstown.

I think I'm going to cut back on the frequency of this blog ...soon.

 

The above is a picture of me in happier days.  I had gotten my first job (part time) where I could work as Marian, FCP was a good friend, and my ex wasn't an ex then.  Things were looking up for me in the year before Covid-19 struck.

In the almost 2 years since the above photo was taken, my life has turned upside down.  Things I shouldn't have said turned FCP into someone who hates me, the ex became an ex (I don't think she'd mind that simple reference), and my father died during the pandemic.  About the only good thing left to me from that era was the ability to work as Marian.

We are far from being back to normal.  Meetup groups are slowly opening up to in-person gatherings.  And I am dating again (as Mario), hoping to find someone who fits me better than my last partner.  Now that I am working full time as Marian, I don't have the time to keep up with my friends, nor do I have as much time (or energy) to post entries on a daily basis.  So if I skip a day or two, I hope my loyal readers will understand....